Angel, Carter, Lady B and Me

Not sure where this post is going to go. I have specific things to write about but not a clear outline, so I am surrendering to the Muse, with a bit of editing afterwards. Life is awesome right now, it is as it is meant to be.

Carter is doing really well. There are still minor problems but they are normal for one so preemie. My mom and a couple of aunts came down last week to see him for the first time. They were in awe of how tiny he was, my aunt took a bunch of photo's using objects for comparison to give people a perspective of his size. They were all impressed with just how much Mich understood about all the devices he is hooked up to and the different procedures he has, plus the variables concerning his future. My mom and I booked a place to have a Welcome home Carter party for the 2nd of May, if all goes to plan he will be released from the hospital the middle of April which would be his original due date. The party is a way for friends and family to meet this miracle baby without stress.

I had Angel here a couple of weeks ago and I also had her last week for a bit. The pictures are of Angel and my touch lamp. She thought it was the greatest thing that she could touch the lamp in different places and it would turn on and then get brighter with each touch until it turned off again, lots of smiles from Angel and grandpa. I had her sleep on an air mattress, I left the electric pump out and once I turn it on and blow air on her, wow another cool toy, she would get the pump turn it on blow air on herself or me, big grin. For the most part we just stayed at my house, which she had the run of. A couple of times she started to touch a few souvenirs cups I had on lower shelves but once I told her "no" she left them alone. I took her to a meeting and people told me she was really good and wasn't a distraction, which made me feel good. She is at that age where she is really lovely, she climbs on my lap, presses my lips together and gives me a kiss, plus lots of hugs, sometimes just grabbing my leg and hugging it. I am extremely grateful for this special bond with her and know it would be happening if I wasn't sober or living a spiritual life. Toddlers can take a lot of time and energy but I was peaceful and didn't worry about the small messes she made, the changing of diapers, the food, her taking up my time, not once did I get upset with her. If I wasn't at peace I don't think it would have been this way, I would have been caught up in self and my wants. I took her to Kearney with me last Thursday, I had to go to my mom's house and also was spending time with Lady B. She was also very good then and Lady B thinks the world of her.

On to Lady B. We text each other a couple of times a day and usually talk in the evenings. She has started calling me "sweet man" and I call her Lady. Thursday afternoon she had me around her house which was a surprise because I didn't think she wanted me around when her 8 year old son was home, her son and Angel played and we had pizza, she bought. Then in the evening, her son went to a friends and I took Angel over to Mich's best friends house, Lady B and I came back to Mich's apartment where I was staying partially because I had left my dog alone all day and needed to tend to her. We sat on the couch and talked, she asked my about my expectations and I told her I really didn't have any that I was cool just seeing where things went. We ended up kissing and caressing each other but nothing too heavy.

I stopped by her work on my way home the following morning, it was early enough that she didn't have any customers, she is the manager of a cash advance business and was working alone this morning. She told me "we needed to talk" the warning bells went off in my head but so did trusting to hear her out and live in the moment. What had happened the night before had scared her, she said she didn't want to be anybodies property and that is what dating means to her, that if she gets intimate with someone it puts a whole new level on things and she said she just wasn't ready for that. She said, I didn't really know her and that she was different from anyone I had ever met. She said she just wants to be friends and work on the friendship, that physical contact was out of the picture. She also told me that the 10 year age difference bothered her for some reason, that even though she didn't think she wanted another child she wasn't 100% sure. She shared in a round about way about her fears, I was able to read between the lines and have some insight into what she was getting at, my insights were correct.

She asked me for my honest feedback and I gave it to her. I told her I respected her and her decision, that my attraction to her was physical, mental and spiritual, that I felt a connection to her, she was honest and admitted again that she felt a connection to me that was physical, mental and spiritual. Her fear was telling her to play it safe, to deny what was in her heart, to break this off now. I told her that I wouldn't kiss her but that I would still hug her tightly, that on occasion I would put my arm around her and give her a squeeze and also a kiss on the forehead. She ask if I did this with all my friends and I said no, but I told her that we where more than just normal friends that we were special friends and she agreed with this. I told that I would do as she wished but if she ever needed to be held or to cuddle she would have to instigate it, that I would keep my word. I told her I was fine with with letting the friendship grow, that I wasn't worried about seeing the real her, that I have seen quite a bit of the real her and it didn't scare me. That I like the fact that she is very independent, that she has a close relationship with her family and kids. I told her I respect the fact that she is working through some co-dependent issues and that I don't care much for woman who are co-dependent, as far being emotionally attracted them is concerned, I don't want a companion that I am trying to fix. We had plans to go on a date this Friday, I told her that what she had told me didn't change anything, she said she still wanted to spend the evening with me and see me the next morning before I left for Lincoln. I had sent her a rose on Valentines Day, it was a way for me to say I am attracted to you, without using words. When she got the rose she asked me what the rose really meant I was at a lose for words, actually I was afraid to tell her over the phone, fear of reject, so I told her via an email, how I felt about her and how I was a bit concerned about taking a chance with her, she told me she felt the same way and told me to take a chance on her, to take a chance on seeing if there was something more. Friday morning a used her words me back on her, I told her to take a chance on me. This was after she said "someone always gets hurt" I told her that wasn't always true, that she needed to take a chance that maybe this time was different, that neither one of us knows unless we take that chance. I told her I knew her well enough to know that she is confused and scared and I am alright with her being that way. That I care about her, that I want her work this out, that am not going anywhere, that we need to trust each other and over time this will happen, that I won't intentionally hurt her and she will not do the same to me. Lady B is very honest and upfront, she says what is on her mind, so I know she will be honest with me to the best of her ability. I told her, that the Scott she is getting to know is the real Scott, that I haven't put on a front to win her affection, that the same person she sees now is the same person she will see in 6 months, that if the bond gets strong I am not going to change and start being controlling, that I won't take her hostage nor is she my property, that she doesn't have fear me. I told her that if I really love someone and they want to have a child that I am fine with that but it isn't something I think much about because that kind of love is down the road, this also eased her mind. I told her I had no expectations of her and her son moving in with me or relocating to Lincoln. Both of us have messed up and moved in with someone too early and I wouldn't do that again. I said she needs to know she is worthy of being loved for who she is, she said this is something she is working on. When I left we gave each other tight loving hugs and smiles and yes I kissed her forehead.

On the way home, I received a text from Lady B. She told me "thank you, you make me happy and that she was peaceful once again". Over the weekend, in some of her text called me sweet man and we had a couple of wonderful talks filled with joy and laughter. She is interested how my day at work goes and I in how her time with her son's and family went. The honest talk was a step in the right direction for both of us. She needed to express her fears and expectations. I needed to know these. I looked within myself to see what it is I feel, is it infatuation or something more. It is something more, which could be infatuation in disguise. Laby B makes me happy, her text messages, our phone conversations, our spending time together. Do I see differences, hell yes, do they bother me, hell no. We are not from different planets but have some different interest, she knows my interest and though she doesn't share all of them, my music, books, interest in philosophy and deeper levels of thinking she has not shied away. If she can still want to be with me after knowing this then I can easily accept monster trucks, her deep commitment to her family, her interest in financial planning, in fact she hasn't brought up one thing that I really dislike with a passion, her politics are middle of the road which is fine with me, the same goes with her spiritual beliefs. She is very balanced in her spiritual ideals, she believes in tolerance and allowing every one to find their own path.

I am comfortable with the way things are with us, she has asked me to work on talking more in person, to share my thoughts one on one instead via my writings which I have agreed to do. I feel that if I am truly willing to take a chance with her that I need to be willing to change what I can, she said she feels the same. We need to walk the walk with each and not talk the talk. I don't know if there is a label for this type commitment, maybe it is love in the first stage. All I know is that after all was said and done with, 2 people are still willing to continue down a path that so far has made both of them happy. That we both faced our fears and confronted them so that neither one of us playing a guessing game. That she knows about my insecurities and I hers. I am grateful that we have been honest with each other and can't help but feel that being this honest right now is a step in the right direction. I will have to work on this though, because sometimes I can confuse compassion and loving kindness with people pleasing and care giving. I told her not to let me spend money on her or her son unless I have it to spend, this is a character defect she needs to know about, she has a lot of pride and won't allow this to happen either unless it mutual and for a good reason and not an attempt to please or buy love that already exist.

This may sound a bit heavy but it isn't. My mind has not raced too much over any of this. I think about her a lot but it isn't with fear or worry. It isn't about not feeling worthy of her love and attention. It is about a special person who has entered my heart, who I care about on many levels. The nice thing is she has told me she thinks about me also, once again the feelings are mutual. There is no second guessing from either person, it is out in the open. If things fall apart then that is just how it is meant to be and will deal with it when I happens. We both have to take this one day at a time, to not worry about what might be, to live in the moment at hand and enjoy the time together whether that time is spent over the phone, little messages sent or being with each other in person. The not being able to see each other in person all the time may prove to a benefit. That the time spent is quality time even if it is uncomfortable because we are being honest with each other, or maybe I am trying to play God read too much into this?

Her sponsor is a close friend of mine and Lady B uses her, they talk about me and us. This tells me that Lady B is on the same page in recovery that I am. Recovery is very important to both of us and has to come first.

It is because of recovery that all these wonderful things in my life are possible; Angel, Carter, my wonderful Mich who wrote me a beautiful letter for my birthday saying how much she loves me and thanking me for all have done and how proud she is of me and of course for Lady B and the chance I am taking with her. We have a few challenging clients in treatment right now and it is because of recovery that I am able to work with them, to do my best for them and to allow others to work with because Scott doesn't have all the answers.

This has been a long post per normal. I keep praying for all of you and spending positive energy your way.

Peace Love and Light
Scott