Happiness/ Inter-Peace

Sitting here this fine Saturday morning, just Carter and me, Mich took Angel with her to a friends last night and hasn't come home yet. Carter is being good as long as I keep the vanilla wafers coming:) Since I wrote the first sentence; we have played with a ball, airplane, watched blues videos on YouTube and taken a shower/bath, taking a bath is Carter's 2nd favorite thing to do after eating, he is now laying in his room talking to himself, he will doze off shortly.

Work is going well, managed to get just over 40hrs last week and 39.5 this week. We had hellish winds Thursday and Friday. I have been working out and around the open bulk storage bunkers, the 40mph gust were threatening to blow my 155lb butt over a few times plus I was covered in dust from head to toe; Thursday when I got out of the shower I looked in the mirror and notice I still had dust caked in the folds of my ears. I have used a shovel and hoe quite a bit, hammer and crow bar to pull 2x4's and remove nails, plus the weed trimmers, I come home sore and tired. But you know what campers, I still like this job! I enjoy the lack of heavy pressure, my co-workers all tell me to just keep myself busy, stop take a break, drink some water if I need to, grab a quick smoke every couple of hours which is another way of resting the muscles. The supervisors are around but not over your shoulder or micro-managing your work.

 I see lots of toads and mice, saw my first rat yesterday it was running across the big pile of corn. I saw a baby bunny no bigger than a hamster the other day, I was trimming, stopped and told it to move along so it wouldn't get hurt, just stood there for a moment and watched it's brown body slowly hop away. I see lots of worms and birds, talk to both of them and play the devil's advocate, warn the worms of the birds and tell the birds have fun searching for the big fat worms. I keep waiting to see a bull snake, they are prairie constrictors who feed on mice, rats and small prairie animals, I think we may be too close to town for their satisfaction. I would like to catch a few bull snakes and try to get them to live around my trailer for mice control but now have my doubts. I will be going to the animal shelter next week to get a half way grown kitten to see if that helps with the mouse problem. No matter how hard I try I can't get ride of the mice, I catch 4 and 4 more show up, the grain storage building behind my house is the biggest contributor to this challenge.

Thursday night my sponsor celebrated 30 years of sobriety, there was a roast pork/potluck supper followed by a meeting for him. I have a lot of love and respect for this man. He took me through the steps, was there for me when Mich was getting into trouble and eventually had to go into a group home. He is big time involved in state level service work, currently he is the state delegate and just returned from GSO in New York. He has guided me in service work, showing me it is about service to AA and not service to me, introduced me to others and helped me get over being shy in large gatherings. He has always told me to try and understand what things mean to me, whether it is a passage from the Big Book, discussion during a service meeting, life experiences etc. Over the last couple of years we haven't had much contact with each other due our work schedules, he is a counselor in a halfway house. When he was in his late 40's he went from being a farmer to a college student, so he was an example for me when I made my decision. We have reunited lately because I am back in state level service work and also my work schedule is such that I can attend more meetings so see him at meetings. He lives recovery, he admits what he is doing wrong and talks about what he needs to do better. He is spiritual and religious but never talks about his religion unless asked, allows others for follow their own path. I was blessed to have him as the man who guide me in my first couple of years in recovery.

I rode to the celebration with my 2nd sponsor as irony would have it. This is the woman who I am doing a Big Book study with and going through the steps again with. She became my sponsor because I saw her every Sunday morning at my home group, would talk to her and when I had a challenge call her because since she is retired I could usually reach her. I share a lot of things in common with her so find her easy to talk to the everyday stuff which gets on my nerves, she is another liberal person living in a pretty hard core conservative area. I will be finishing my 4th step tomorrow and do a 5th step either this Monday or the next. This 4th step is about relationships I have had in recovery, I don't have any resentments but I do need to look closely at the different relationships and also the hurt I allowed my sister in recovery to create within me. I can analyze what I think my part in the relationships are but believe doing a 4th and 5th step with an objective person is healthy. Another thing about this woman is; it has been very helpful to sit down and talk with someone once a week face to face. I am not a good over the phone person whether it is with a sponsor or friend, kind of suck at talking like this but face to face I open up. If I am hurting or confused about something and I need to talk to someone Now, I will make a phone call but still prefer to see someone face to face as soon as I can. I am not keen on taking online classes for this same reason, would much rather a personal interaction than an electronic one.

So it is now Sunday morning, Mich and the kids spent the night at her friends. I am sure living here is a bit of a burden for her because her friends can't come around and drink. I don't mind her drinking as long as the kids are safe. I have to trust her and God that they will not be put in harms way. If anything bad does happen then I just have grab the big bag of tools and do my best with the assistance of others to get through it all.

Last night there was another potluck and speaker gathering, it at guys place in the country west of town. I had planned on going, I got in the truck started driving west, something about driving and listening to some good music changed my mind. I felt the need to just drive and listen to music, I needed to be alone in a round about way. I say round about because I wasn't alone, I had Stevie Ray, Steve Earle and Bob Weir with me, I had my God with me. I took off on the back roads, driving about 55mph, opened my mind and eyes to the beautiful countryside. I got off the paved road and on a gravel road which runs along the Platte river, I was hoping to see some eagles but never did. I was at peace just tooling along the roads with good music playing but not aggressively loud. I like social gatherings but God was calling me to the road, back to my roots of fields and pastures, back to a shallow river winding along a gravel road, washboards and all.

I have been hitting the 5:15pm meeting at least 3 times a week, I get off at 4:30 so by the time I get to town it is meeting time. I have always enjoyed the 5:15 meeting, it is a place to gather with me like me, people seeking the same solution to the challenges in life. My other 2 meetings are my home group and the Saturday noon 12 and 12. I thought I would be going to 8pm meetings but with getting up at 5:45am I am tired and ready for bed by 9pm or 10pm at the latest. I is a pleasure to be able to hit meetings again, to interact with newcomers and people who have been around awhile. I am making some new friends and reached out to a couple of new guys who were hurting. We can only keep what we have by passing it on  and everyone needs to know they are not alone or others have felt the same pain.

I checked my favorite blogs this morning and read http://octoberonine.blogspot.com/, she titled her post Happiness, I was going to change the title of this post but have decided not to, so E here is my comment back to you my friend.

I titled this Happiness/Inter-peace because this is what happiness is all about to me. It is the simple things in life, it is contentment in the mundane ordinary ups and downs in life. Even when I wasn't content with my job I found inter-peace, I found the inter-peace in just living the life which is in front of me. The good in life always out weighs the bad if we have the awareness to look for it. I have stuff going on right now which makes me a bit uncomfortable but who doesn't. Recovery has opened my mind and eyes, the spiritual awakening is seeing life in a different way. I don't like being too high or low, I like my Yin and Yang to be in balance. When the Yin and Yang get out of balance the HP nudges me to do something, like keep on driving past a social event and look at the world out my window, so smell the rain, the plants, to see things I sometimes missed when I was trapped in my addiction. I was a nature freak in my addiction too but my vision was blurred, I would see nature for a bit then it was gone because my brain would go to the dark place of self pity and despair.

The Big Book has helped my see the world around me but so have books by the Dalai Lama and Thich Nhat Hanh. Having said this; I can read all I want but unless I put the words into action I am still stuck in my own pile of shit. I can have faith in my God all I want but unless I do some footwork God will not show me the things I need to see nor hear the things I need to hear.

In each thing I wrote about there is happiness and inter-peace because I was present for each and everyone. At this mornings meeting we talked about ththise common solution which has given us a way out. I have found it is from  common solution I find peace and happiness.

Well campers I need to wash up yesterdays dishes, then I am helping a friend move. Hope all of you are well and know you are loved.

Peace Love Light
Scott