Quiet 12 Step work and some just stuff

My beautiful girls and papa's little miracle buddy.

Hey all, it is 10:30pm, most normal people are in bed or settling down for the night. I would really like to go to bed but since tomorrow I will have still be fairly alert through 3:00 am when I get off work, I am making myself stay up, otherwise I will wake up early and be seriously dragging ass. I am pretty use to the 4:00pm to 3:00am shift and am learning to operate the machine with fewer hiccups, multiple bends with varying degrees are still a challenge though. When I get frustrated, either due to fatigue or over tasked muscles, I remind myself; my bills are being paid and I will not be working this shift forever, I also do a mental gratitude list of the other blessings in my life.

One of the guys on night shift use to come to meetings, he was ordered by the court. He recognized me when I started working and stayed away from me. I would smile and say hi to him and not much else. Over the last couple of weeks we have had some small conversations, nothing to do about recovery, just general small talk. I don't know if he is drinking again or not but since he hasn't talked recovery with me I am pretty sure he has stopped going to meetings. I figured from day 1 if he wanted to talk recovery with me, I would leave it up to him to approach me. His recovery or lack of is none of my business unless he reaches out his hand. The best thing I can do for this guy, if he ever wants to talk is just be an example of what living sober is all about. Which brings me to guy #2. Hope this didn't sound redundant?

Guy #2 is a 24 year old, he was hired on the same time as me and operates the same machines. He is finishing up his court requirements after DUI number 2, has an interlock system in his car so he can go to work and meets weekly with probation and a couple of times a month with a counselor. A few weeks ago he started talking about his situation and how he went to inpatient treatment, I asked him who is counselor was and told him I know the counselor, told him I had went to the same treatment center and have been sober over 4 years. We talked a bit more about counseling that night but really didn't get to much into recovery. Then 2 weeks ago we were running a machine together, no one else was around, he started asking me about staying sober. I didn't go into the steps, shared more about going to meetings and fellowship. He is a big outdoors person; hunting, fishing, camping, kayaking and such. I told him about our sober camp-outs, about the yearly sober float down the big river, about dances. Told him there are plenty of guys in recovery who spend time together fishing and hunting. I gently planted a seed, now it is up to him to become willing to water the seed.

This morning at my home group a guy I use to work with, not technically sponsor because we never worked the steps, came to the meeting. He was shaking really bad and his face was swollen. He sat next to me and after the meeting asked to talk to me in private. His bottom got a bit lower Friday night, he was busted for drunk driving, blow a .2 something, this was his first DUI but it scared the crap out of him. He is pretty worried about the legal consequences for his actions, he has never been in jail before or had to face the judge. I told him some possibilities of what might happen but said it is really up to the judge and county attorney and I had no concrete answers for him. I told him the best thing he could do was try not to worry about it start going back to meetings on a regular bases, oh and to call me any time he needed to talk. Talking to him brought back memories of how scared I was of going to jail the first time but once there realized how big of a joke it was, didn't tell him this, but for me jail did not scare me sober. Another cool thing the meeting was big and the topic was fear, so he got to hear a lot about fear, what it was like and what it is like today.

My 12 step work is and has mostly been of the quiet living type. I have never been on an old time traditional 12 step call. I have carried the message into the county jail and mental hospital. The saying "you may be the only Big Book someone ever reads" is important to me. Like so may other aspects of my recovery I am not perfect with doing this. When it does happen I am grateful to my God for making me a vessel when the call arises. I can't "talk to the talk" and not "walk the walk", there is something inside of me, I believe it is called a God conscience which gives me great discomfort if I am bullshitting. On the other hand I don't flaunt my recovery either, if need be I let others know I am in AA/recovery. If there is a good reason to break my anonymity, like there was with guy #2 I will, otherwise I don't. Basically the sharing of my recovery is on a need to know bases and I have to trust my God conscience for the need of knowing. Part of it comes from hating being preached at, I figure others probably don't like it either. AA doesn't call on us to stand on the corner Big Book in hand witnessing to others about how great it is to be sober. Bill and some others did this once for us and later wrote the traditions to safe keep the fellowship from ruin.

Another aspect of my 12 step and service work is happening this Wednesday. Three years ago I was the district chairperson for Cooperation with the Professional Community (CPC). One of the things I did was start a panel discussion at the local nursing college. Prior to this the nursing students were required to attend a couple of AA meetings, problem was they weren't getting a good picture of AA because the meetings they showed up to could be on a wide range of topics and quite confusing. The panel discussions have been held twice a year since they were started, while I was gone from this area one of the ladies who was on the original panel, a former nurse with 34 years sobriety has taken over as chair for the discussion. Our discussions cover; Doctors Opinion and Silkies words on allergy, compulsion/obsession, hopelessness and psychic change; we talk about the steps and living sober, relapses and spirituality. We share our own stories briefly, then finish with a Q&A session. The college professor as been a good friend to AA and feels we have been of benefit to her students who after all some of which will get to witness alcoholism at its worst on the front lines of nursing. My friend the former nurse asked me to be on the panel again for this Wednesdays presentation. Her asking me was such an honor, it gave me a warm fuzzy inside. Not to blow my own horn here but it is nice when someone you respect says you are an important part of a team, glad you are back in town to be apart of the team again. I owe all of this to my God and practicing spiritual principles via AA and the Dharma.

Now for some lighter stuff.

Definition of nucking futs; we had really bad weather here Friday, nasty rain with mixed snow plus high winds. Friday was also the day the newest Harry Potter movies was released on video, so since I didn't see it in the theater and being a Harry Potter junkie, I went to our Walmart, which sits on a hill on the north end of town with no wind break to buy the movie. The real nutty part was I couldn't even watch the movie until after I got off work Saturday night, so I could have waited until then when the weather was better but nooo I had to have it the day it was released. Plus I wanted chocolates nuggets.

I really listened to the words of the classic Marvin Gaye song "Sexual Healing" the other night. I have always loved the song but with a semi awake mind I really heard the words. The song is very one sided, it is all about his needing sexual healing from her and not caring about her needs or feelings, totally lacks compassion. What a bummer to realize this, rather ruined my enjoyment of the song. Oh well just another one of those things that happens when my eyes open up a little bit more and I start hearing things with my heart. Still love the groove and vibe of the song though.

Speaking of music, I just discovered Joe Bonamassa. Amazon has been recommending him to me, if you use Amazon you know once you search or buy one genre of music they send recommendation emails, saying if you like Stevie Ray, Buddy Guy, Allman Bros, Johnny Winter, etc you will like him. Being rather contemptuous toward newer blues artist I didn't follower their recommendation until the other day when I was bored prior to work. Much to my surprise I really liked what I heard and bought his latest album. He plays the mostly the hard guitar blues I like, kind of a mix between Buddy Guy, SRV and Robin Trower with a dash of Keb Mo thrown in for the mellower songs. It is good to heard someone besides Derek Trucks band carrying on the this style of blues. The new Alison Krauss and Union Station disc is brilliant also, yeah I know I just switch from blues to Americana but my taste vary. If you like bluegrass flavored acoustic music with an earthly angel singer and a soulful male singer this is a must have disc. These talented people go years between albums but everyone is worth the wait.

Lastly, I planted the bleeding heart roots today for Linda. Also planted cannas and caladiums. Once these come up I can put down the landscape fabric and add my moss roses and other shorter plants. There is just something about having pretty flowers around my house makes me feel good, probably something heavy like "coming out of the darkest times in our lives we seek beauty". Then again it could be I just like having flowers to look at.

Well campers, thanks for sharing the ride with me tonight. Made it to 1:00am, probably won't push it much longer, I am grateful for spell check because my spelling blows worse then usual. Spending love, prayers and positive energy to you all. Thanks to my new readers for your comments, I appreciate them and have enjoyed reading your blogs also.

Peace Love and Light