Still relatively Sane

Hey all! You know some days reading great post really put one back in focus, thanks Gabi, Kristin, Paula and Shadow! Life isn't bad, in fact things are coming together but still others words give me a high, realign my perspective and make me remember what it is all about.

The idle time is starting to lessen, last week the weather was nice enough I was able to do some yard work around mom's. Last fall I started cutting down a tree, there was a 6ft stump left when the temps got too cold for me to work outside. I was able to cut it a 2 ft stump, right height for sitting a planter on or sitting your butt on, also finished cutting the limbs into small piece for campfire burning. I cleaned up the dead foliage as well. We will probably put mom's house on the market in April, so I want to make it look as good as possible, I need to re-stain the deck for sure and there are a couple of minor things which may or may not get done. It felt good to work outside. My sinus pressure pretty much disappeared the days I was able to be outdoors, what a relief that was.

Friday night I went with some recovery friends to a bar to listen to a couple of jam bands play, the music and fellowship were great. I hadn't spent any time in a bar since I got sober, I have been around alcohol and people partying some but not the bar scene. I was spiritually fit to do this on Friday, I observed the drinking without the slightest bit of desire to join in. I was completely aware the pretty young women were young enough to be my daughters, thus no false pretenses they would have the slightest interest in me, the mindfulness of reality told me I have nothing in common with these young women. In a drunk state, my mind would tell me, to hide who I was, talk to the cute girl and try and bullshit my way into her heart and underwear. Sober I hate the facade, being phony, trying to make people like me for what I wasn't or I am not. Sober I am cool with my likes and dislikes, my interest, either you accept me for who I am or you don't, it is what it is. Under the influence of King Alcohol, I am a different person, I want to be socially cool, I want to George Clooney or Harrison Ford. I make an ass out of myself trying to be something I am not, then the real kicker sets in, I know I am not socially cool, I get depressed and fall into a depressive alcohol stupor, full of poor me's, "I will never be loved" and lot of other crap my Master fills my head with. My last years of drinking were filled with isolation because I knew I was unlovable, undesirable and a freak, I rarely ventured outside the "poor me" safety of my house or car. I am truly grateful to understand this today, it is part of the tape I play through when I am around alcohol. I am thankful for the freedom from bondage which allows me to see a good blues or jam band if I am spiritually fit, plus going with fellow travelers is pretty much a given.

Mich's boyfriend was out of town for the weekend so I stayed at her house. I had a great time with the babies, Angel and I watched the last Shrek movie at least half a dozen times, I was good with this, there are a lot worse kids movies she could have wanted to watch over and over. She is papa's little buddy, she didn't want to go with her mom, just hang with papa. Carter and I are starting to bond. He would crawl towards the kitchen and I would say come to papa and he would crawl back to me and stand up on the couch between my legs, give me big smiles. He is really starting to get around and climbing up on stuff. Funny thing is, he still doesn't sit up, he is o.k. in the high chair but can't support himself on the floor. Mich thinks he is just too much on the go to take the time to sit still and strengthen himself for sitting up. Other than this you would never know he was such a preemie baby.

I locked into a mobile home to rent, it is a 2008 models so it is in good condition, good windows, floors, plumbing and heating. I will start renting the 1st or 2nd. I had to go the mobile home route because none of the apartment complexes in Kearney allow pets, my dog is a part of me so she goes where I go. Actually if I am careful the utility bills on the trailer won't be too bad. I do like having a yard, place for flowers and vegetable, plus a shed for my stuff. I decide to go ahead and get a place in Kearney now so if a job is offered I can start work without having to find a place to live first, my lease here is up March 31st, so I had to get something anyway.

O.k. now the job bit. I got a part time job at WalMart working the register/customer service counter back in the tire and automotive department. The job pays just over minimum wage, the manager said if I do well she will give me the max amount of hours allowed, I start in a couple of weeks. One of my recovery buddies told me the convenience store he works at was hiring ASAP, 2 people quit, yesterday I took in a job application and have an interview Monday, his manager told him she would hire anyone he recommended. I worked a couple of years part time in a convenience store so I know the gig, know how to run the gas console, Powerball machine, stock coolers and the rest. so if nothing else it appears I may have a couple of part time jobs to bring in some cash. I figure I can work part time jobs and keep applying for full time positions I am better qualified for, some thing will come along eventually.

Yesterday at 8:30am I got a call from the cattle company about the safety coordinator job, they did a first round over the phone interview, I had given up on hearing from them. I feel I did really well with the interview but my ideas and theirs may not be the same even though I talked pretty straight industry standards on safety with a few suggestions on how to make safety work for the company and employees. The person who did the interview said she would contact me either way if they decide on a second interview or not. I can't play head games with myself on getting this job so until further notice I am keeping on keeping on. I also have 2 other full time applications I am waiting to hear back on.

Been watching a lot of movies, if you get a chance rent " A Kind of Funny Story" wonderful feel good movie. "Twelve" was really good too, different take on the drug dealer and drug user movies. "Get Low" was brilliant, it is funny yet gets you to thinking, cast if awesome, Duvall at his best, Bill Murray and Sissy Spacek are both awesome. An older movie I watched which was wonderful in a spiritual way was "Interstate 60" it wasn't a real popular movie so may be a bit hard to find depending on how big your rental store is, it is a road trip movie about choices and finding ones true self but not the clique Hollywood type. There is my Roger Ebert fill in of the week.

Well campers, thanks for all the great words of encouragement and love. I was successful with dumpster diving for boxes, so today I will be boxing up non-essentials. If the weather is getting you down remember spring is knocking on the door, the birds are coming back to the trees to sing to us, flowers are talking of rebirth and we will be sitting outside barefoot before you know it.

Peace Love and Light

This just in 4:45 pm 2/25/11, I got the 2nd interview for the Safety Coordinator job, Tuesday at 9:00 am. Face to Face interviews are where I can shine, I am fairly relaxed, I don't give snap replies, I process questions and in most peoples eyes this is good because they know I think before I act or react, I don't kiss up either for good or bad, I do my best to be my honest self. When I did interviews I didn't like people who kissed up or tried to suck up to me, bragged about themselves. It is good to be self confident but there is something phony in my opinion about a braggart, I feel braggarts tend to be all for themselves and less about being a part of team or willing to go the extra mile for others. Any hoo keep me in your prayers and positive vibes. Man I will really have to stay busy until Tuesday, see the anxiety rolling in right now.

Namaste