48 Years

Hey all, 48 years ago today I entered this world, "what a long strange trip it's been"!! I won't recount the journey, most of you know bits and pieces of it. Needless to say I am grateful to still be alive and also not locked up somewhere.

I am going to do something different here, I am going to Vent!. My morning started out with a text from my younger sister, wishing me happy birthday. I told her I hoped I would hear something on a job interview today, she replied "did you ask God for intervention". I replied, "faith without works is dead" and I have been doing the footwork and the rest was up to the Law of Karma. This has lead to a whole back and forth text conversation about basically her God versus my understanding of God.

My sister is one of those who went from drunken agnostic to sober born again Christian. Honestly folks I have nothing against Christianity, Jesus was an awesome teacher and if following his path and the path laid out in the Bible makes a persons life better, more peaceful by all means follow the path. I have seen many a sick person follow this path and become well. I know many who follow the path and are truly beautiful humans and dear friends of mine. What I don't like is when someone pushes their beliefs on me because they disagree with my beliefs. When it comes to being a Buddhist, most people to this out of total ignorance of Buddhism. All they know is the pop culture "fat smiling guy" who isn't the image of the real Buddha but was a Chinese monk. If you see an image of a skinny guy sitting in the lotus meditative position with his hair done in a funky do, it is probably closer to what the Buddha looked like but since photography was still 2500 years away no one living person really knows, same goes with what Jesus really looked like. I do find it amusing, Jesus is portrayed more like a European than a Middle Eastern Jew.

Anyhow my younger sister has always been one of those who thinks she is right. She is really like my dad, in that she won't give in to compromise, very opinionated. When she became a born again Christian, she imposed her views on everyone, in other words she got Preachy. She preached to her kids, her husband, co-workers and my family. When it became evident my dad wasn't going to live much longer, she became worried about him going to heaven, she gave him a book about heaven much to my amusement because dad had dementia and had stopped reading, plus dad didn't care about religion in the greater sense, he believed in his own way in a God force but I doubt he gave much thought the logistics of the God, wasn't intellectually inclined either, he lived a simple life without caring about philosophical things. She still preaches to my mom though. Now my mom is a good Christian, she goes to church every Sunday because as she says "it makes her feel better", she treats others with kindness, she admits her faults, she prays because she believes in the power of prayer and prayer aids those she cares about. She doesn't impose her views on others because she believes it isn't any of her business.

One of the things I like about Buddhism is, you are free to follow the path as you see fit. Like 12 step programs, the path is suggested. The choice is yours whether you are willing to go to any lengths to get what is offered by following the path, you can suffer as much or as little as you like. It is also about attraction not promotion. The few Buddhist teachers in the media spot light don't preach/witness. His Holiness the Dalai Lama is beautiful in this respect, a large majority of the time he is all smiles and compassion. If he is on the stage with other religious leaders, they tend to be all stern and somber, while he is smiling, laughing and making jokes. He understands rule 62 "don't take yourself to damn serious". I fall short on some of this; I still smoke, drink too much caffeine, don't do sitting mediation daily, don't have a formal teacher and still have some strong attachments I am working on.

Back to the text conversation. She didn't like my use of Law of Karma, she said it was God not Karma. I debated on responding but thought she needs hear where I am coming from, basically I wasn't going to allow her views to bully me. Like others I have allowed certain people to bully me and she one of those, so I decide I would stick up for my views. I replied back that I don't believe in God the way she does, I follow the Four Noble Truths, Eight Fold Path and believe in the Law of Karma. I told her this was my Higher Power/God of my understanding and the way I applied Spirituality to the practice of the 12 steps in my life, so I was better able to serve others and keep inter peace and serenity. She replied back with a Bible verse. I replied back, I fully comprehend Christianity but don't believe in it as a spiritual path for me, it is great it works for others but it isn't for me, I also said Jesus was a beautiful teacher but I don't agree with the Bible on a lot of things. I suggested she read "Living Buddha, Living Christ" by Thich Hnat Hanh to better understand where I am coming from, I also said "end of conversation. Agree to Disagree." She ended by saying this conversation wasn't Karma, it was ordained and orchestrated by Him, as a gift to me. She also said she loved me. My only reply back was I loved her too. She had the last word but I was know the texting was going nowhere, plus it was mentally exhausting, for one I am not the worlds best texter.

This conversation hasn't disrupted my day. It did temporarily make me angry. My selfish nature thought "how dare you on my birthday make it about you and your beliefs, couldn't you at least have consideration for my path on this one day!" What my heart told me was, I have to accept her for who she is, she hasn't grasped letting go of selfishness. She keeps herself in turmoil because she tends to worry too much about others beliefs and perceptions, how others are living their lives, this is her lot and I honestly feel sorry for her. My ego bit is to say, maybe she needs to sit in a few more meetings, listen to how it is about changing ourselves and not others, about accepting we can't change others, each person is the way they are out of some Divine providence which we as simple mortals have no control over.

I am not an angel when it comes to being non-selfish. I still get a bit angry when people don't act or react the way I feel they should, the reason I shy away from too much politics or the media attention on religion and world affairs. I get pissed when people can't grasp recovery principles, especially when they have been clean and sober for a number of years, when they only read the parts of the Big Book they like and skip over the rest. Yes I am just as guilty of playing God, wanting to change the will of the God concept to fit my needs instead of allowing the concept to takes it's natural course. I want people to read my resume and think "WOW what a great candidate for this position, better get him in here for an interview." Karma hasn't helped my resume, 2 jobs in 18 months, termination and I have a feeling my last employer isn't giving me a good reference because I really hurt her feelings and she is holding a recent towards me, just a guess, could be wrong. I did more footwork on Friday, so now I will just have to be still and see what happens.

I kept Angel again this weekend, we had a great time, mainly because grandpa lets her play with what every she wants as long as it isn't dangerous or breakable. She made a big mess and today I have to vacuum plus clean up a small mess I was too tired to fool with last night.

Gratitude:
I am sober at 48, years of drunk driving didn't kill me or anyone else.
I have a family, sister above included, who love me and even if we disagree still want to talk to me.
I have wonderful daughter and 2 beautiful grand babies I am honor to watch all of them grow and be a part of their lives.
I have wonderful friends who give me love, encouragement and tough love when needed.
I have roof over my head, food in the frig, gas in the car and the main bills are paid up.
I can read and write, I can hear music, the voices of nature and other sounds.
I have a little dog who needs and loves me.
I have spiritual path I not only am comfortable with but enjoy walking, a connection to a God of my understand which is special and personal.
I am grateful for AA and the path it has given me.
I have inter peace and acceptance more times than not, I am no longer the confused and angry person I once was.
I love me today, I humbly say this is a biggie, once upon a time I didn't.

Love and Peace to all my blogger friends, you make me smile in more ways than you know, I am grateful for everyone of you. This day is about all who have touched my life!

Nameste