I am Single Again

Started to write this last night but my computer is infected by a virus McAfee can't remove, it is some kind of Security virus, these warnings keep popping up, telling me to start my anti-virus and it isn't from McAfee. I will just have to take the laptop in tomorrow. I am writing this from work, thank God for backups.

Lady B broke up with my yesterday. I have had a gut feeling all week and even last weekend something was up. During the week none of our conversations end with her saying "I love you". I was hoping she just wanted a break for awhile, thought she was having some seasonal depression. Her reason was she just doesn't think it will work out, we have too many differences, she said I am not ready to be a dad and she isn't ready to be a grandma. I never wanted to be a dad to her boys, they have their own dads, just wanted to be on friendly bases with them, especially the youngest since his dad isn't a very good dad, tried to a role model for him. As for her being a grandma, I never her asked to be, think maybe this is just something that bothered her with the age difference. She started trying to explain herself then stopped and said she didn't have, which I agreed with. Basically we are moving in different directions.

On the way home and of course last night, I thought a lot about all of this. From my view what I see happened was, I was able to accept her for our differences but she wasn't able to accept mine. I suppose I didn't mind the difference because it was nice being in a relationship, we also didn't live together so our difference didn't get in the way of daily life. Another thing was the miles between us and neither one of us willing to move to the others town any time in the future. She is very close to her family in Kearney. I have my job here and plan on staying with it because my heart is in it. Also my mom is here and I put myself in the role of taking care of her needs, it was too hard living in Lincoln and trying to do this.

So now for the differences. I have over 500 CD's, she only has one, she listens to contemporary pop, hip hop and I don't, I don't really like most of it and will call certain stuff crap, yeah my arrogant intellectual pride showing its self. I have a book case plus filled with books, she owns 4 books, 2 Big Books, a Daily Reflections and an Al-Anon daily mediation book. I know stuff about movies, directors, actors and like some of the off in left field drama's whick leave you thinking. She enjoys watching these with me, but doesn't know actors by name for the most part and doesn't think past what was just watched. There is also the spiritual difference, she can't grasp my spirituality which in turns leads to her not understanding how I have become more dependent on spiritual practices than AA meetings. There are difference in work philosophy, I love of helping others and not the money, she feels I am way under paid. She isn't materialistic but maybe my nonchalant attitude about money bothers her. I recently did one of those "about me" things on Facebook, when I was doing it I realized a lot of what I was putting down where things she didn't understand or know about, nor did she want to.

I have worked hard at being humble with her and her kids. I never tried to force my interest on them or understanding them. I must admit I have made some comments about kids now days being so dependent on video games they have forgotten how to read. And I have made comments about the violent nature of video games and her youngest being mean spirited at times. So yes I have made snide comments about their interest, my bad.

During warm weather we spent a lot of time outdoors. Now with winter we are inside, being inside probably made her start to think about the difference. I don't know and it isn't for me to know. I do know at times it got quiet or if I started talking about certain things she didn't have any feedback.

Rationally with these amount of differences I probably should have known it wouldn't work out in the long run. I took this journey because we are attracted to each other, because we enjoyed being in each others company. I don't feel the attraction went away, just other things stepped in. I do feel that people with opposite interest can have a relationship. Reality check here, we can have a relationship based on seeing each other on weekends but when the time came to move in together would it work? Could I have my space for books and music, for writing, for spiritual time alone? Could I handle the daily noise of having a bipolar kid, with the ups and downs? Maybe, maybe not.

During this relationship I put my spiritual practices where my month is, most of the time. When I was upset, I checked what my selfish nature was up to, I accepted the things I could not change and changed what I could, mainly my thinking my ways were best. I worked on being compassionate and understanding. When I didn't get my emotional needs met, I accepted she didn't see the need the way I did and I couldn't control her feelings or actions. I was hurt when she didn't help with bouts of grief over my dad, she hasn't lost anyone, so she doesn't understand how at certain times the grief comes rushing back and it is nice to have someone sooth the sadness with kind words or a simple hug. I didn't bow down to her, I didn't go over board on people pleasing with her, I saw and see her as an equal. Maybe I compromised some of me because of having live without someone for so long but I was alright with those compromises.

Last night I was very sad and still am a little bit. There will be a grieving cycle just like any other time we lose something special in our lives. I am thankful for the growth I was allowed to experience in this relationship. I was able to work through feelings of fear, fear of rejection. I was able to work on my self esteem, to know someone can love me, that I am not always just a male good friend. I was able to really look closely at the desires which bring on suffering and not just sexual, sex was a part of what we had but not a major part. I was able to further pin point what I need in a partnership. Granted we had our differences but we also had a lot in common, like working hard, being pragmatic about religion, politics, society in general. She is open to trying new things and so am I, with the exception of jumping out planes or off bridges. We both love the outdoors. She didn't wear a lot of make up nor was her hair done in the newest fashion, I like women who have a natural beauty and she does. I am grateful for the season we spent together, she will also be a part of me and have a place in my heart.

All along I have told myself, if the relationship ends all will be alright. Nothing is permanent, we can't control others and it isn't always about me. I am moving on, this is a new day, a new moment in time. I am sure I will find another lady to have in my life down the road, cause I see the friendly smiles of women all the time. Lady B and I hooked up when I finally stopped craving a relationship so bad. I am not in a hurry to find a bed mate, even though last night I did go there for a few minutes but knew it was a sick notion.

The bright side of all this and this is not a put down on Lady B. I can start putting more time into the local AA meetings. I have been mostly absent from them, due to work, being home at night for our nightly conversation, she goes to bed early so if I attended an 8:00pm meeting she would be in bed when I get home, she didn't stop me from meetings, I stopped me. I can also spend my weekends at home, so even if evening meetings don't pan out I can catch weekend meetings like I was doing in Kearney, time to move on, leave Kearney AA in Kearney and find my fellowship here in my home town. I can also spend more time working around mom's, still a lot to be done, I was doing good when the sun was out until 8:00pm or later but now all I have is weekends. Since I can't stay at Mich's house on weekends, I will just have to give her gas money so she and the kids can come spend the night with me once in awhile, I will also have to just start making day trips on weekends to see them every once in awhile. I will only go to Kearney to see the kids when I can, if something else needs done I will take care of it. I bought the Ford Explorer, so now with not spending money on going out to eat every weekend, I will be alright with the added expense of the vehicle and not have to pinch my pennies so close. Honestly we split a lot of the eating out cost, but being one who likes to cook, I always ended up buying food, my choice not something which was expected. I got through this without drinking or drugging, I felt the pain and know it is only human, I understood the pain will pass and there was no need to kill it with beer, wine, gin or drugs. Alcohol would only destroy all the other wonderful things in my life, there are too many to list but regular readers know them.

Thanks for letting me share this with all of you. Writing always helps me see things, mediation wasn't in the plan, this has provided the calm which will allow for mediation later. I need to go get a few cleaning supplies, yup going to clean the house. I also have to go tell mom what has happened. She will be upset but she is a praying woman, she believes God answered her prayers once and will again.

Until next time campers.

Peace Love and Light
Scott