Pray for a Preemie

Sunday afternoon at 4:10 I was just finishing a post when I received a phone call, my daughter Michelle was having an emergency C section. I got dressed and put some clothes in a backpack as fast as I could and headed west. Carter James was born at 4:35pm Sunday, he weighed 1 pound 10 ounces and is 12 inches long. He is healthy from what we know as of now, when we finally got to see him around 7pm his fingers and toes were moving, his lungs were clear and heart beat good. Mich is alright also.

They air evacuated Carter to the University of Nebraska Medical center in Omaha Sunday night because the local hospital can't handle such a preemie baby. If all goes well he will be there until his original due date of mid April. They have provided Mich, Angel and Matt (Carter's father) with a nice room; small living room, dorm size refrigerator, microwave and of course a TV. Meals are provide for them, there is a gym, computer room, play center for kids and a few other things for people to do who are staying there. The UNMC is the biggest medical provider in the state so they have a whole building just for people to stay in.

My main role the last few days was to take care of Angel, I was there for Michelle of course but once the initial shock was over she was alright. We had a good time together and she was a good girl for grandpa.

I wish this was the end of the tale but there is more. Mich was released from the hospital yesterday afternoon and arrangements were made for them in Omaha. I loaded my car with Angels stuff and followed them down. Omaha is 1 hour away from me. Matt and his mom did not want Angel to go down, they wanted Angel to stay in Kearney. Mich did not want this and I didn't feel it was a good thing either. Mich was going to need Angel there, one because they have always been together and also Angel will keep things normal and provide Mich with some sanity. Also Angel needs her mommy, other than me her mommy is her security and comfort over a long period of time, she doesn't sleep well for anyone but me if Mich isn't around. Plus I am sure the last few days have been confusing for her. Mich and Matt fought about Angel going and I told Mich not to worry that no one was going to take Angel away from her. Neither Matt nor his mom confronted me about the decision to take Angel but I was ready if they would have. Matt and his mom talked behind my back but never to my face.

My reasoning for Mich needing Angel there was that Mich wasn't going to have much interaction with Carter for a while, that Angel would give her a since of normalcy and help with the stress of Carter being all wired up and not being able to hold him, plus the inter fear of whether or not he is going to live. Mich seems to be going through some PTSD right now also. Angel just needs her mom point blank. I will give my daughter credit for one thing and that is as a teenage mother she has done an outstanding job of taking care of Angel. She rarely pawns Angel off on others so she can go out at night or run around, nor does she leave Angel at someones house for more than a rare overnight or maybe a weekend with her paternal grandmother. Angel doesn't really know her dad, he is in a group home for boys until next August, drug and alcohol problems. Her grandmother sees her every few months, she is a very loving and caring woman but she speaks very little English which has to cause problems for Angel. Along with Mich, I am the other constant in Angel's life, when Angel didn't live with me I saw her ever couple of days. So Angel needs normalcy from people she knows also. She has been around Matt's family for months but there isn't a strong bond. Matt's family also drinks heavy and smokes weed, openly from what I have been told. There are other things about them I don't care for but that is based on my arrogance and not wanting Angel in a mentally unhealthy environment.

I called Mich this morning and Matt and her were having a huge argument. Matt had not left the room to visit Carter. not wanting to leave Mich alone with Angel for fear Mich would pick Angel up and hurt her stitches, Mich knows better than that and Angel rarely needs picked up, she knows how to climb so at the most it would be pushing her up on the bed. Mich is also active and doesn't stay in bed when she is ill, she gets up and gets to healing. Matt was making Mich miserable and angry, Mich does have a temper, he was blaming me for not being able to see Carter. Mich kept telling him it was his choice, to go and everything would be fine. Matt got on the phone and yelled at me, saying I don't know anything about being a parent, saying it was all about Carter and not Mich and Angel and that he has been telling me for 2 days this wouldn't work out. I told him that I have raised Mich all her life, that I spent 6 weeks in the ICU with her because she was a preemie and that it is about Mich and Angel because they need each other at which point he hung up the phone on me, oh yeah he threw in a couple of jabs about my intelligent life style as well.

When I talked to Mich again she said she wants me to get Angel and take her away so that Matt can see just how miserable she will be without Angel. She cried saying she can't hold Carter and now they don't want her to hold her other baby either. I told Mich there is nothing I could do because we are having another winter storm and the highways are dangerous, plus they need to just ride this out for a couple of days and hopefully Matt will pull his head out of his ass.

On the way back from the video store I took a closer look at a day care that is by my house, they advertise 24 hour 7 days a week service. I called them when I got home and since I work mainly 3pm to 11pm and weekends they said they should be able to provide for Angel. Angel's daycare is paid for by the state so this will work out without causing me any financial troubles. Everything is lined up for Angel to go there Saturday. I will pick her up Saturday morning and take her back Monday afternoon, this will give Mich and Matt and chance to spend more time with Carter if they want to. I will play it by ear how much and how often I have Angel here, I am in hopes that things will even out enough that I will only need to watch her on my days off mainly because she needs to be with mom more than grandpa.

I question my selfishness on this whole deal but I don't feel I am being selfish. I am not going against Michelle's wishes, I am standing up for them and supporting them. I have not used pettiness as a reason going against Matt and his families wishes but have countered with reason, based on emotional well being. I have prayed for the right words and strength and been given both. I have tried my best to act in a spiritual manner, with calm and compassion. I have been more than willing to discuss this matter in a calm way but have not be approached by Matt or his mother we did discuss this shortly in the hospital the night Carter was born and that was when I said Angel would be coming to Omaha, so other than Matt coming uncorked on me over the phone, we haven't had a good talk about it. I feel this is not my battle to take to them unless they keep putting Mich in the middle, then I will have arrange for us all to talk. Of course Mich, Angel and I are a family and we will stay together as a family especially since I am close enough to assist where I can.

I do pray for Carter and I want him to grow and be healthy. Carter is in God's hands, Carter is safe and cared for by the best the state of Nebraska has to offer. Carter at this point isn't in a big need of physical attention or emotional either. We can send him positive energy and love and that is about all right now. I have this feeling that Matt and his mom think I don't love Carter but there again neither has taken the time to talk to me. I know they feel my religion is wrong and that I don't believe in God.

Once again we are powerless over other people. I need to take care of me, I have been on the phone and visiting with my recovery family a lot the last few days, a couple of dear friends and my sponsor have helped me stay in check and make sure I stay on the path. My serenity has gone out the window a few times as you may have guessed but the inter peace has returned fairly quickly. We really don't know how lucky we are to have the spiritual tools we have, until we are in situations with people who don't have them. We know about doing spot checks and keep our mouths shut, we know when to pray and what footwork to do. We know what peace and serenity feel like and head back to it as soon as we are able or willing. We understand acceptance even if in doing so it pisses us off, we know the benefit of it. We don't need alcohol or other chemicals to calm us down when things don't go our way. Over these last few days drinking hasn't even entered the picture, not even in a fleeting way, what a great gift that has been. Hopeless drunks like myself have been given the gift of being there for the ones we love when they really need us the most, I have a wonderful blogger friend in Cali who is nodding her head at this one. Once again the God of our understanding is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.

I don't say this much but I have to give honor to the Dharma which has shown me the way, has given me a path in life, a way to understand life and myself, a way to find the middle path when I wonder. The Dharma is a much responsible for my life today as AA, AA got me to the Dharma and the Dharma is part of my recovery, the 2 have equal importance in my life.

I apologize if this post is a bit non coherant, I am trying to express my frustration, my view and yes my anger with what has been going on. My defensiveness seems apparent but what parent wouldn't be defensive if their child and grandchild are being manipulated unfairly. If I am being unfair to Matt then I own it, he is nice kid for the most part but he is a kid. He hasn't worked at all since they have been together, myself and Mich's friends feel he uses Mich, which is Mich's fault. I try to stay out of her life when it comes to relationships and haven't cut Matt down over this issue, I have just said he is wrong from my point of view which has been backed by others watching this happen. Any feedback will be accepted, if you feel I am wrong let me know, maybe I am missing something here.

This goes with out saying but please keep, Carter, Mich, Angel and Matt in your prayers to the God that understands you and you It.

Maybe in a few days I will do a bullet point post of the other stuff that when down the last couple of weeks, it was interesting as well.

Love to you my friends. May you be blessed always.
Scott