I Am a Child

"I Am A Child"

I am a child, I'll last a while.
You can't conceive
of the pleasure in my smile.
You hold my hand,
rough up my hair,
It's lots of fun
to have you there.

God gave to you,
now, you give to me,
I'd like to know
what you learned.
The sky is blue
and so is the sea.
What is the color,
when black is burned?
What is the color

Neil Young wrote this. The "you and me" in the lyrics is a reference to the young and older Scott, for this interpretation.

I am stealing part of the topic for this post from the lovely Paula at Becoming myself, http://pneumeier.blogspot.com/

The term "inter child" is disliked by a lot of people including myself because during the 80's and 90's people were using it as a cop out for negative actions or to blame others, namely parents and teachers. When I did my 4th and 5th steps I identified the damaged emotions I had that were a result of my upbringing and environment, I forgave my parents and others for their part in this damage and moved on. Those damages are a part of me and my character defects and something I have to be aware of and correct when they raise their ugly heads.

For the most part I have always looked at the negatives in my youth, how certain emotions and actions caused me grief or trouble. I saw my being different as the reason I was bullied, shunned or isolated, for lack of intimate relationships, for not being popular and such. How often do we alcoholics and addicts say, "I just felt different from everyone else and drinking and using made finally feel a part of". I know this is a part of my story. Because of Paula and others I know that alkies and junkies aren't the only ones who feel this way. My 4th step also revealed my assets but I never took a close look at how those assets where once hated by me. How the things I hated about myself as a youth are now a blessing.

As a kid I was overly sensitive, bad side was I was thin skinned and cried easily when disciplined or picked on, in recovery I have had to work on getting thicker skinned and not taking things so damn personal. Being sensitive has paid off as an adult; I can show empathy and sympathy easily towards people who are suffering which allows them to trust me enough to talk about what is really going on. Being sensitive means I am not afraid to show my emotions when something sad happens, even if it happens during a movie. Being sensitive has been an asset when it comes to living with compassion and loving kindness. It has helped me on my spiritual path, being sensitive towards others and all living things is a quality that all people on a true spiritual path have shown, Jesus, Buddha, St. Francis, Gandhi, Mother Teresa, Thich Nhat Hanh are just a few examples and people I try to emulate. So though being sensitive had a bad side as a kid, it has helped me be a better adult.

I am gentle and fairly non-violent. Boy did this even cause problems as a kid. My dad as angry as he was at home and this lead to beatings on occasion, was never one to teach us how to fight. I wish now I would have asked him why but I think the answer was he didn't believe in physical violence either, that it was better to use your head to get out of fight than use your fist. My head did save me from getting beat up a lot, I learned early on how to use words as a defense and even a weapon. Today I am aware that I can still use words as a weapon and have to really think before I speak when angered. I am not a prone to being boisterous, yes it happens but it isn't natural. I approach things in a calm gentle manner, I am able to talk to upset adults and kids alike. Animals trust me also for my calm demeanor, they are attracted to me when we first meet, they don't sense fear or aggression even if I am uncertain about them, I calmly talk to them as an equal. My love of dolphins and whales was part of being classified as a wimp in school, teenage boys are suppose to like aggressive animals, not peaceful marine animals. I don't appear threatening so people feel they can approach me with questions which has allow me to be of service to God and recovery.

Not accepting social norms or dictates has also work toward my advantage. It has been the thing that has allowed me to look at other trains of thought. It has broadened my horizons and made me open minded towards a lot of things. It has differently been a big factor in finding a spiritual way of life that is comfortable to me which has enriched my life. It has allowed me to move away from most of the prejudices and ignorance's that people from my neck of the woods have. I don't care what the color of ones skin is, a person's sexual orientation, religion, culture, form of attire or hair style, what matters is as Dr. King put it the content of character that people should be judged by. My views on these things and environmental causes labeled me as a freak. I was suppose to be interested in sports, girls and cars, not social issues and philosophy. Today this quality has allowed me to shake the hand of all kinds of people, to show them common courtesy when we meet in public, to not look down but to look them in the eye and say hi.

These are just a few example of things that as a kid where an ingrained part of me I didn't like. They are still part of me today. They are part of my inter child that was healthy but never knew it to be so. To the list I can add, I still love watching good animation, not the crap on Cartoon Network but good old cartoons and the good new stuff from Pixar and Disney. I still love science fantasy, dragons, wizards, elves, fairies, trolls, goblins, swords, crossbows and the like. I will still rent a movie if it deals with King Arthur or Merlin even if I think it is going to be crap, I can't help myself the child in me still enjoys this stuff and I read the books too. I like my inter child, my inter geek and Lady B is comfortable with it too.

I wonder today about how many of those people we tried to be like, that we drank or drugged to try and impress or be like, are really happy in their lives? Do the jocks and bullies have interpeace? How have beautiful people handled getting older, seeing their once prized appearance fading with age? Are the ones who put so much merit on material possessions truly happy? I may have not been popular, I have scares inside and out from years of trying to be someone I wasn't but today I have interpeace. I have a connection with a God of my understanding. I love me for who I am good and bad. I had to go to Hell to find Heaven on earth. I hated myself as a youth but today I am grateful for those things I once so hated about Scott because Scott is a pretty great guy, this is said in all humility. I hope those who looked down on me are happy in their lives today, that maybe they have found a spiritual way of life that allows them to accept the past and live in the present.

Now on a lighter note. This is part of an email I sent to Lady B describing what happens on the 11pm to 7am shift at work. It made her day, gave her a well needed Laugh My Ass Off, so encase your day is in need of a good laugh, I am sharing it with you.

While I sit here unwinding and waiting for the all night coffee to wear off I will write something for your amusement, so here is how my night went.

Started off with a political show about race relations in American now that Obama is prez, which wasn't too bad this lasted until 1am. Next ups VH1 reality tv show in which some rapper is trying to figure out which trashy plastic chick he wants to make his sex slave, I mean girl friend. Then back to politics only this time it is on the Mass senate race which is being voted on today, looks like a republican is going to take the senate seat left open my Ted Kennedy's death, this is HUGE man, I mean man could walk on Mars and it wouldn't be as important as a republican winning in Mass, hope you can read the sarcasm dripping from my keyboard. No real estate channel tonight no we have something just as exciting though, tennis. Yes tennis at 4am ranks right under watching steel rust for excitement at 4am. Finished the night off with the morning political talk shows, more Mass senate race and the Leno vs Conan feud, Haiti came in 3rd.

The guy I work with is a good guy, he has been at the treatment center for 5 or 6 years all over night shift, so he knows the job and is a good trainer and over all good guy to work with, he is also older so I have a bit more in common with him than I do with the college people on the other shifts. Thing about Mr. Overnights is he is Nigerian and has an accent, he is a bit hard to understand, here is a basic sentence, Nigerian is a bit like Jamaican, " I tell jew Scotty, dis is dwhat I hav to go true, evvy night, day don't ask question, day just file where day want."

Here is something else amusing about over nights, when we do room checks we wear surgical gloves. Now on the other shifts we touch the same door handles without wearing gloves and are really in much closer contact with the clients but evidently at night the germ population multiplies like rabbits on speed so we have to wear gloves to protect ourselves.

I watched tv off and on during the night but mostly wrote. I had to right a letter to one of the counselors concerning a group discussion on the benefits of music in recovery that one of the clients wants to do during Spirituality group on Sunday morning and he wants me to help him with it and another to a friend in jail.

Oh yeah Carter is doing really well, they have taken the breathing tube out and letting him breath on his own. He has oxygen attached to his nose for back up but that is all. Thanks for your prayers for all of us.

Hope you enjoy this little exercise. Let me know if you can relate. Next up on the horizon is winter blues and cabin fever, my ass is ready for some camping!!!

Peace Love and Light
Scott