F-ing Addiction Sucks!!!!

I received a call from my director a while ago that a client who was released from treatment on Monday was found dead this morning. I was shocked. It really hit me hard, this is a first for me as a worker at a treatment center, mainly because she was just released. Others may have died that I have worked with but she is the first one I know about.

C was released from treatment without completion. She was given assignments to look closely at how she manipulated people and was dishonest, she failed to do this and the clinical staff felt she wasn't putting enough effort into her treatment, that basically she was just coasting along. The reasoning for letting her go is that there are others out there that are more willing and why take up a bed for someone who isn't going to put forth the effort needed to get and stay sober.

C was one of those I tried to help a bit more than others, she was willing to talk and seek out suggestions from staff. Being in recovery I was one of the ones she sought out. I wasn't easy on her. I pointed out how her pride was hurting her, how she needed to get really honest and also to look at the fear. Yesterday I was strongly reprimanded for helping her too much. I had given her the name of a woman in recovery to talk to because we don't have a lot of strong women come and talk at the treatment center, I took it upon myself to give her the name of a friend I thought could help her. My boss told me he believes I mean well with what I do but actions like this can be taken as a sign of favoritism. I did this with J also but wasn't caught.

This is a hard thing for me to do, separate my 12 step work and my professional work. I plan on talking to 2 staff members who are in recovery and ask them how to best handle this. I also learned that I need to go to the clients counselors more and talk to them about my thoughts and suggestions before I talk to the clients. My intentions are good but they can jeopardize my employment so I need to look at new ways of doing things. I need to trust the counselors more, to let them get to know me and me them. My insecurity works in a weird way here, I am comfortable giving suggestions to clients based on my experience, strength and hope but fear that the counselors won't take me seriously because I don't have any higher education. My collar is deep blue and I have scares inside and out from living the life of a working class drunk and dope fiend, more drunk than fiend but I understand junkies completely I just never stuck a needle in my arm. Anyhow I still feel inferior and need to get over this fear. I need to talk to the counselors, to build a bond based on wanting to do what is best for the clients from both of our perspectives. The other thing that came out in my session with my boss was that some of my peers were taking my jokes wrong. They felt I was belittling them and being arrogant. I told my boss this wasn't my intent, they I never want to harm others. My joking style is cynical, sarcastic and dark, this comes from the streets, working class background and military. My boss accepted my explanation, my willingness to watch my words and also my willingness to confront my peers and try to make right and harm done. I own my defects or troubles, I don't try and justify them more than explaining where they come from. I told my boss I am in this for the long haul and will do anything I can to correct my actions, which for me means keeping my mouth shut or thinking about what I am going to say and how it might effect others. Even though the reprimand was painful it did me a lot of good. I know I really need to send a few minutes in mediation prior to going to work so that I can be aware of how my actions effect others, co-workers and clients. I have to swallow my pride and ego and really ask for help, that I can't fly solo even if I think I am not, I do tend to do so on occasion. I have been trying hard to direct the clients toward other staff members when they single me out because I have been in their shoes but I have work harder and doing this. For myself I need to not work with the same clients all the time, that I need to change up clients and tell my co-workers why this is important to me and to the clients.

I talked to my sponsor about all this shortly after I got the phone call from my director. Thank God, literally, that he had just got off work and also I am grateful that he is in the same career field and can give me personal insight. My lady friend B called me after she read my facebook comment about what had happened, she wanted to make sure I was alright and offer support, something N wasn't good at doing.

I am speaking tonight at a meeting south of town. The topic I am suppose to speak on is letting God work in our lives and why I fail to do this. Why in some aspects of our lives we are very undisciplined. After what happened today I am not sure what will come out of my mouth. I will pray prior to speaking and trust God to put the right words in my mouth. I am sure that if I get off topic the people at the meeting won't care because it is all about sharing from the heart and if I am trying to bullshit and not share from the heart I am not doing them or myself any service.

I will probably grieve a bit more about C's death but because it is always painful to see the disease kill someone we know. I will pray for her and her family. Tomorrow morning there is a staff meeting at the treatment center and I will definitely be there. I need to hear what is being said, I need the support of other staff members to process this.

If you are clean and sober today thank your God, I know I am doing this.

Peace Love and Light
Scott