Compassion in Action

This morning I went to work to attend a debriefing on C's death. Debriefing is really a lame business word for a session to discuss how we were feeling and dealing with the death of a client. Other than my supervisor I was the only non-counselor there, non of the other technicians attended, this concerns me. As technicians we tend to have more one on one time with the clients than the counselors do which in part leads to befriending the clients. I know C's death has to be having an effect on most of my co-workers, C was well liked, she was very vibrant and yes frustrating at times, so it you were around her much you couldn't help but be effected by her, she was a presence. My co-workers are young, average age is 25, so I think it is quite possible they don't understand all the implications of death and grief that those of us who have experienced it more do, they are young enough they think they can deal with it on their own or are afraid to show deep emotions in public. I am sure my boss will pull everyone into his office and talk to them about what happened and their individual feelings. I will share my own feelings with them when the topic comes up because this is what you have taught me to do, to be the only Big Book someone may ever read.

What I received this morning was a bonding of sorts. We went around the room and talked about why we were there. The intern counselors didn't know C very well but felt they needed to be there to help them learn about how to deal with a client who dies and also to process their emotions. The counselors who did have close interaction with C where there of course to share their feelings in a group setting and to hear what others had to hear. I was there because I was sad and mad plus needed to know how to deal with this on a professional bases. I learned that I was not alone in that C is another part of a collage of people who I know who have died in active alcoholism and addiction. That those of us who have experience with addicts and alcoholics dying from their disease are all frustrated by the senselessness of the death. C's main counselor said something that really stuck a cord with me, she said that if I would have been another client, T.O who was older and chronic it wouldn't have hurt so bad, T.O left treatment the same day as C and is back at it hard and heavy. This hit my yesterday, I thought to myself if T.O was the one who died would I have felt so sad, hurt and angry? I have to honestly say probably not because T.O was chronic, because T.O had been in and out of recovery enough he knows he is playing Russian Roulette with a loaded gun because even in treatment T.O was walking death and talking the talk but not walking the walk. C was different she had a sparkle in her eye. Maybe her death wasn't intentional suicide, we don't know for sure at this point but anytime an alcoholic or addict uses again it is unintentional suicide because we never know where that next drink or fix will take us. This next statement isn't a brag; I mentioned that with my ex wife's death from addiction and a couple of others I have known, that they just gave up in the end, that the easier softer way was death, C's counselor thanked me and said maybe C had just given up and she missed it. Those of us that had close interactions with C all felt that maybe there was something more we could have done, something we missed but all know that in reality we did the best we could for C. I really didn't learn a whole lot about helping the current clients deal with the death of a peer but I did feel a bond in that room this morning, I felt a part of the treatment team, so as sad as this sounds C's death had a positive effect on me, other than another reminder that the disease kills. What I just describe is why I feel sad for my co-workers who missed the session. We never know when our God is going to give us a lesson in life, a lesson to help us help ourselves and others. We never know when where compassion in action will come from and how wonderful it is to be a part of that.

I will end with a couple of positive notes. Last night a former client J was at the meeting and she is doing really well. This is the up side of what we do in treatment. J was a train wreck when she came to treatment, long history of criminal behavior, severe PTSD and other trauma, addicted to speed and alcohol, when she entered treatment she had Bell's Palsy and the left side of her face was drooping. She has over 60 days of clean and sober time now, she is healthy physically, emotionally and spiritually. If I get a chance next week I will ,tell C's counselor about J because we need remember how we do make a difference.

The last few days I have reminded me of how I have gotten complacent with my mediation. My God has given me a swift kick in the ass to remind me I need to focus on Right Speech, Right Intentions and Right Mindfulness more. My coasting has allowed me to slip back into old behaviors and unintentionally harm others. I have stepped off the Path and hurt my serenity by doing so. My need to feel accepted by my younger peers, caused me to be sarcastic/cynical and blind to compassion. My jokes backfired because I wasn't fully aware of how they effect others. I feel ashamed that this happened but I am glad it did because I can see what I need to do. Without pain and a bit of fear I don't always learn what my God wants me to learn.

Lastly I am so grateful for my daily practice of recovery. With all that has gone on in the last few weeks I would be an utter mess without it. The beauty of living in recovery is that it becomes second nature. That this way of life becomes the normal way of life, it replaces the alcoholic way of life that was once normal for me. Not once has killing the feelings been a strong thought or desire. Not once have I wanted to run, yeah maybe I was running by going online or watching a movie but I was still pretty much here. I have stayed in contact with my sponsor and recovery friends, I have gone to meetings, I have prayed, I have read the Big Book, I have reached out my hand to others, I have read the blogs of healthy people even if they feel they aren't all that healthy you because you are living in the solution. All these things I have done without second thought, maybe this is what it means to "just be"? I am also completely aware of what will happen to me if I stop doing these things. The awareness is in the collage of faces of those who didn't make it which now includes C.

If no one has told you today that they Love you, then let me be the one to say "I Love you and you are important and worthy of love".
Thanks for all your prayers, blessings and love.

In the Sunlight of the Spirit
Scott