Outside the Comfort Zone

Hello anxiety my old friend you’ve come to talk to me again and sending shadows through my mind of things that aren’t real, illusions from a fear (thanks Paul Simon). I have a clearance that allows me to be involved with AA meetings at the county jail. I have only been to 1 meeting since I was cleared in November 2008 mainly due to the fact that the jail meeting conflicted with the mental health hospital meeting that I was supporting. About 2 months ago there was a fallout between the guy who had been conducting meetings at the jail for the last 5 years or so and the inmates; it seems they wanted more NA meetings and less AA meetings or none at all, a majority of the inmates are locked up for meth related offenses. Background, NA has meetings the first 2 Thursday’s of every month and AA has the rest of the Thursday’s so on occasion there are 3 AA meetings due to the month having 5 Thursday’s in it. The guy who was conducting the meetings didn’t contact anyone in upper service work to explain the situation or ask for help, he just stopped showing up. A close friend of mine in recovery is doing 35 days for getting caught bending the rules, he is has work release so he can call me, he really wanted an AA meeting so he asked if I could help and I said I would. I contacted another member who has clearance and he said he would try to help but wasn’t sure since he is still on probation for a domestic violence charge, just cause we get sober doesn’t mean we still don’t have troubles due to character defects that are left unaddressed. The jail is one of those places that brings up anxiety, I have spent a bit of time in jail so the odor of the disinfectant has an almost haunting effect on me even though bring in jail was a dull and boring event but still a bit stressful due to lack of freedom and living conditions. Another thing that brings anxiety is that I was a notorious bad check writer in my drinking days and even though it has been over 2-1/2 years since I have drank there is this paranoia that even after the background check an outstanding warrant will surface. And lastly in the anxiety column is the inmates themselves, I am not a very big person, not muscular and pretty non-violent, so some of the inmates can be a bit intimidating. Some inmates are very angry people and their anger can flare up when talking in a group setting, basically they are venting, very rarely do they cause trouble but my fear is they will and since no guards attend the meetings and we are locked in the cafeteria my mind drifts to the worst possible scenario. So this is where I was at off and on yesterday.

The other guy showed up at the jail and had no problems getting permission to enter. He had conducted meetings in jail before and chaired the meeting. Most of the inmates shared about themselves and what they where going through without getting obnoxious. Most of them thanked us for being there. A couple of the jail staff members thanked us and mentioned the absence of AA meetings and told us to please come back. So once again my anxiety was for nothing, the illusions that messed with me off and on yesterday proved to be just that illusions. Once again a lesson learn, maybe next time I face something challenging the anxiety will only be half as much.

This is not the first time I have stepped outside my comfort zone in recovery. I am by nature rather quiet and reserved, not one who stands around and talks a lot, when I do talk I do so with minimal BS and speak from my heart. I have been on panels and chaired panels at the nursing college, a family advocacy group, probation officers board meeting, I have chair meetings where the majority of people in attendance where from a drug and alcohol awareness class. I just recently spent 2 days with another guy at the state family physicians conference in an AA booth talking to doctors about alcoholism and AA’s role in recovery. I also gave a talk on working with professionals at a state AA workshop, some of those in attendance I admire greatly for their commitment to service worker and their speaking abilities. I have been blessed and gifted with the ability to speak articulately and to share my insight in a way that others can comprehend, not in long drawn out rambles but with shorter to the point statements and metaphors. I enjoy doing service work, I was told early on never to turn down an AA request unless absolutely necessary and also by doing so I am freely given back what was freely given back to me, this is also a blessing and has nothing to do with me other than service work is about learning to be humble and selfless. I have learned that if I share from the heart then the right words will come, if I try and be funny I will fail, I try and sound profane I will fail, I try and show off I will fail, by fail I mean sound phony and ex-drunks can pick up on that really fast. It gets easier every time I step out side the comfort zone, not that I am not nervous but experience has taught me to just flow with it, know that I will be alright and that what will be will be, just as it was proven yesterday.

It was reminded to me again today in a book I am reading by Kevin Griffin, it is about progress and not perfection, we are not saints. Stepping outside the comfort zone is about letting go of self, it is an exercise in non-self, it is about putting the Four Noble truths and the Eightfold Path into practice to the best of my ability. It is about trusting my Higher Power, the Dharma, and faith in the teachings I have received so far on this journey. It is about all the little prayers and short mediations I do during the day when faced with discomfort and need to re-harness the inner peace. Some times awareness needs a helping hand from illusion to open my mind, this is alright though, this is how I learn sometimes, a bit of discomfort leads to using a different tool, once in a while we need to round the head off the bolt with the vise grips to realize we just need to get the correct size wrench to fit the job.

Namaste