R.I.P Dad, Leslie O Wolf

My dad’s spirit transcended Saturday at 4:00p.m. my mom, both sisters and myself where with him when this life ended, he was 84 years in this world. He was put into a drug induced coma so in the last hours of life he felt no pain. My dad is free now, his suffering, physical and mental has ended. Those of you who have lost a parent or close loved one know the sorrow. I am grateful that I learned how to say hello to the sorrow and embrace it has really helped me out the last few days and will continue to help me out. My head is still a bit fuzzy, my concentration on the moment comes and goes as it should for now, I do the best I can to bring myself back to what is in front of me without fighting the feeling.
Dad was cremated and interned at the National cemetery in central Nebraska with full military honors. The funeral and the arrangements for the funeral went as well as could be expected when 5 individuals are in a room filled with sorrow, making plans for remembrance of a loved one. The original plan was not to have minister officiate but my sister remembered an old friend of my dad’s who was an ordained minister and my sister, the one who I have religious differences with, honored me by reassuring me that the minister was down to earth and not a thumper. My brother, sisters, mom and self agreed that the 4 kids would each give a personal reflection, eulogy, about my dad.
What I said in general was; while sitting by my dad watching him die I opened my phone and looked at pictures of my Angel and took comfort in her innocent smile and beauty, outside sitting on a bench I reflected about her life beginning and dad’s life ending. My reflect brought me to the idea of how dad taught and instilled ethics, morals, and how to behave in public where taught to me, in a messed up aggressive way but I still learned and am a better person because of that, and how I passed them on to my daughter who will in turn pass them on to Angel. I talked about how dad didn’t know any other way of expressing himself that is was characteristic of men of his generation and background and how years ago I had forgiven dad for the harsh way he treated us. I related the story dad had told me more than once about when he was in the army he learned manners and etiquette from the city boys, dad was a farm boy, and how important it was for his family to know how to behave in public. He showed that no matter what your up bring is you can rise above it if you choose. I also talked about how he had great mechanical aptitude and I only received a ¼ of it, also how when we where kids he couldn’t teach us what he knew but later in life he could, he mellowed with age in all aspects of his life.
I am ever so grateful for my friends both in and out of recovery, they provide an ear to listen, a heart to comfort and love. I am grateful for the teachings without which this would have a been a lot harder. As always I am grateful that I am alcohol and drug free today, and that my dad and I made peace with each other, I forgave him and he forgave me. I never told my dad I was wrong for my behavior while in the grips of alcoholism, he won’t have understood but I made my amends by doing everything I could for him the last years of his life. I managed to say an “I Love you” to my dad a few weeks back, funny I can say this to a lot of other people but with him it was hard, still think deep inside I had to be strong with him and showing of emotions was just something you didn’t do, fucked up I know but that is just how it is.
My dad was my dad, for good or bad, he helped me out and loved me his own way. We became friends which sadly wasn’t the case with my brother. My brother still harbors resentments towards my dad and he is 60 years old. I can’t help my brother unless he ask so for now all I can do is accept that is suffering is his to own.
My mom is doing fairly well and my sister and I will keep close contact with her for the next weeks or so, also my mom’s youngest sister has been very carrying and a great help.

Rest in peace dad, I love you still