Freedom, Goodwill, Creative Action & Personal Growth

So I am was reading an NA, yes an Narcotics Anonymous, booklet and read this paragraph, " Any lifestyle seeking spiritual fulfillment seems to demand the very things missing in addiction; freedom, goodwill, creative action and personal growth." I thought what a profound and truthful statement.

In active alcoholism and addiction I was a prisoner to my disease. I couldn't go anywhere without making sure and had something in the car, I rarely went anywhere were alcohol wasn't served. I was big time paranoid, I was always on the lookout for the police, also paranoid my enablers would pull the plug. I was a prisoner to money, needing a certain amount for my alcohol, if it wasn't there I would write bad checks or steal booze from the store I worked at part time. I was a prisoner of my emotions, any clear thoughts I had about the trouble my drinking was causing were shut down as quick as possible with alcohol; reality sucked and I couldn't allow it to interfere with my obsession for alcohol. I couldn't change my job, couldn't go to college, couldn't move from the dump of a house I lived in. Sadly this prisoner couldn't be a good parent either, same goes for son, brother, employee and friend. Because I am free, I now can do anything I want and as long as I stay spiritually fit I never enter the prison of addiction again. BTW alcohol is my drug of choice but I will use any substance put in my path to get messed up, also I have a healthy fear of my addictive nature, so if I ever have to be put on narcotics for a medical reason, I need to keep the knowledge of being an addict as strong as the knowledge of being an alcoholic.

Goodwill, how can one be practicing goodwill when we are so caught up in self. I tried to practice goodwill, I helped people out, gave a bit to charity but under this was still my main concern of getting the next drink. I don't think there is anyway a person caught up in addiction can practice goodwill because we are so selfish and self-centered. In recovery getting out of self is a life long process for many of us, for me it is a daily awareness of my actions and thoughts which are based on self. Simple acts of goodwill start to come more naturally as we change our way of thinking, become more spiritually centered; holding doors open, giving a warm smile to the cashier, allowing someone to proceed ahead of us in traffic. I do what I can for the less fortunate when I can, make sure the stuff I am getting rid of goes to a charity which gives stuff away and not just sells it. Of course we try and practice goodwill in the recovery rooms, extending a welcoming hand and echoes of encouragement, we try and give back what was freely given to us. For me this is an ongoing thing, some days I am so caught up in I forget to say hi and introduce myself to the person in the room I have never seen before. Being spiritually fit means I am thinking less about me and more about others, and more about the planet. 


Creative action is an interesting term. I am I finding creative ways to reach out to those who still suffer? Am I finding creative ways to carry the message in my service work? I am I finding creative ways in sponsoring, finding ways to knock down the walls which keep someone from understanding the steps? Once in a while the answer is yes, I do know how to intuitively handle a situation which use to baffle me. My first thought on the word creative was, artistic, something I am not, but like everyone else, I have talents which others don't , we all do. We shouldn't beat ourselves up, we shouldn't compare ourselves to others, we are all very special. When I am in active addiction my creativity was as dead as my spirit, I couldn't touch my creative self no more than I could touch my spiritual self, in recovery both are possible.

In my psyche class we read a lot about how alcoholism and drug addiction delay and even stop growth, I have heard this in the rooms for years, but here is was in black and white in a psychology text book. The book had a table in it showing where we should be at in emerging adulthood, damn did I ever miss the boat. I lacked responsibility, had no goals in life, sucked at relationships, lacked motivation and any interest in bettering myself as a father, employee or member of society. Here at almost 50 I am basically in my early 20's but it is alright. For me the steps are were the growth comes from, I see the areas needed from improvement, I do my best to trust my God, I do the footwork. I want and need spiritual growth, emotional growth and personal growth, even if it comes with a bit of pain; I want to be busy being born and not busy dying.

Well I need to take a shower and get ready for my last English class, finishing this class will free me up for other classes. Hope everyone is doing well. We are having a warm fall so far, even had a thunderstorm Saturday night. Angel is all about Christmas, mainly because the t.v. is bombarding us with commercials about toys, she is constantly saying "look papa, I want that' to which papa replies, "we will just have to see what Santa can do" to which she replies "really papa" with a big smile on her face. Papa is really glad for layaway this year!

Peace Love and Light
Scott

For Love Cupboards and Other Things

Hey all, I am all moved into the new mobile home, AKA trailer house. It started at 1:30pm two Saturdays ago; I got the keys to the house and first thing which needed done was masking the living room so I could paint. Painting is one of those things I can do but I am not fond of doing. I had to put on a coat of primer to cover the green and by the evening I had the first coat of Farmer Apple Red on the walls, the living had to be painted before anything was moved into it. Mich boxed stuff up and used her car to move some stuff Saturday, while I painted. I got up early Sunday morning and put the second coat of paint on then hit a meeting because the place I need to be at 11am on Sunday morning is my home group. I borrowed a friends pickup Sunday, my Suburban is still in the shop, which allowed me to get a bunch more moved. Mich couldn't find anyone to watch Carter so with the exception of a buddy helping with the couch and the chair I moved everything I could that day myself. I continued to move the next two days, once again a buddy came over and helped with the rest of the big stuff. Cleaning the other house sucked but went does deep cleaning not suck. Anyway between working and one class I was able to get everything done at 2:15am Thursday morning. I have moved 5 times in 6 years and I hope like hell I am done moving for a few years.

The new place is better, the add-on's to the living room and dining room give me more space in both areas. Instead of having 3 upper cupboards, 5 lower cupboards and 3 drawers in the kitchen, I now have 10 upper cupboards, 6 lower cupboards, 8 drawers and a pantry. I now have space for my kitchen gadgets, pots, pans, baking stuff and the dry goods are no longer crammed together and I actually know what I have and don't have.  My bedroom closet isn't as big but I gained a linen closet, I put clothes in storage bags and shoved them under the bed. the bathroom is twice as big, plus Mich and Angel have their 1/2 bath. The one shed is really nice and big, room to put stuff in without cramming, the other shed is perfect for tools and stuff I use more often. The front porch has a roof over it and a wall on the north side; when the snow hits it will be nice have this area fairly free of snow and ice, sure the dog will appreciate this also.

There are somethings I had to fix or will need to fix. I had to replace the internal workings on one of the toilets, it dribbled water. The thermostat was trashed so I replaced it, same with the shower head. The cupboards and drawers in the kitchen and main bath room all need painted, I will also paint the kitchen walls but this can wait for a bit. There is a big gap in the fence which I will fix mainly for appearance, since there is no way to keep Carter in if he really wants to get out. I hope by next summer Carter will be better at not running away from my house when he is outside, if not then he will be spending a lot of time in his room while Angel is playing outside. There are a few other odds and ends things which need to be fixed or fixed up for appearance but nothing major or expensive.

The kids are both enjoying having more space to run around in. Carter no longer shares a room with my books, good for both of us:-) Mich needs to find a way to get her stuff out of her ex-boyfriends parents garage, mainly we need to get Angels big bed, Mich's kitchen table which we can use for an island and her love seat.

Work is going well. School is going alright but need to play catchup in a couple of classes. I have 2 papers due Thursday in psyche but they shouldn't be too hard to get out since I don't work tomorrow and I have notes done on them. I will complete my writing class hopefully by next Monday, this will free my Monday's and Wednesday's up. Of course I keep going to meetings and staying in contact with my sponsor and recovery friends, both make sure I am staying sane and keeping everything in perspective.

Well I need to take a shower, do some business class work, then off to the writing class. Hope everyone is safe, is finding emotional balance in the storms of life, and in general doing well.

Peace Love Light
Scott

Rope in a Deep Well

I am just going to start typing and let a title materialize out of what I type. I have done some footwork to lessen the financial burden, my time to myself has been shortened and I have had a bloody head cold for a week, not to mention a brewing resentment I need to get rid of.

I did some talking to my banker and was able to rework a loan I have, I had to extend the length which in the long run isn't good but in the right now it cuts my monthly payments down by 1/3, maybe in a couple of years I can increase the payments so I am not paying back so much in interest; this loan was taken out when I was making quite a bit more money. I bought a small car, so my fuel expense has dropped a lot, little Chevy Cavalier with a 5 speed manual transmission, God I love shifting gears again, the car isn't brilliant looking but runs well. I talked to my boss at the hotel and he was able to give me six extra hours a week of work, plus I work every other Sunday. Lastly I bought a trailer, my mom loaned me the money, this will save me $80.00 a month plus I can pay my mom back a couple of times a month instead of having everything come out of one paycheck.

The trailer belongs to I guy I use to work with; it is older but well insulated and has good windows, fenced in yard for the kids, 2 nice size shed for storage, 3 bedrooms and 1-1/2 baths. The kitchen is bigger with more cupboards, my trailer really lacks cupboards in the kitchen, they built on to the dining and living rooms, so they are bigger. Mich and Angel will take the bedroom with the 1/2 bath which is in the front off the living room, Carter will have the little bedroom and mine will be in the back. I need to paint the living room, it is lime green not my color, going to paint it a burgundy for warmth, plus the cupboard doors in the kitchen and bath need painted and a bit of wood putty. 

The main reason for buying the trailer is Mich and the kids moved back in with me and will probably be living with me for quite a while. When the landlord said she wasn't approved to live with me, she moved in with a guy who turned out to be a control freak with a violent background, recently he has been stalking her via FB and driving by the house or finding out from mutual friends what she is up to. It is better for her to live with me, I feel more secure with her and the kids here, instead of her hooking up with some guy just so she has a place to stay, she has been good about not going out at night since she quit dating, she is partying less and is home every night of the week. I have been nervous about the landlady finding out Mich and the kids were here, afraid of being evicted for breaking the lease agreement.

The new trailer is just down the street from the one I currently rent. When I told the landlord I was buying it, she told me Mich was still not allowed to live with me. I contacted a lawyer and he said she cannot tell me who can and cannot live with me, unless the person has a serious criminal record, prejudice doesn't count. Mich copped an attitude when she did the interview with the landlady to get approval to live in this trailer, landlady was talking down to her and Mich being a proud 21 year old who doesn't know anything about having a poker face and keeping her mouth shut, rubbed the landlady the wrong way. Mich can be an arrogant, know it all snot, who doesn't own her mistakes as much as she needs to, she is immature for sure, especially when it comes to putting her wants above the needs of the kids, she sees nothing wrong with going out drinking a couple of nights a week and leaving the kids with someone. Mich hasn't been charged with child neglect from the incident with Carter climbing out the window in July, in fact Child Protective Services were never called. She has a court date later this month and has a Public Defender, so hopefully the charges will be dropped. She has been put on suspense from her job working with the mentally handicap because she can't have anything dealing with neglect or abuse on her record, if the charges are dropped she gets her job back. So Mich isn't a perfect kid, but she isn't a really bad kid either, she does better living under my roof with boundaries than on her own.

My conversation with the landlady has been eating my lunch, she was rude towards me and made accusations about Mich I didn't like. She doesn't know anything about Mich, where she has come from; mother committing suicide when she was 8 years old, dad climbing inside a bottle for 10 years, going into foster care and group homes, completing high school as a teen mother and trying her best to be a mom at a young age. We live a quiet life, the house is alcohol and drug free, since it was reported the girl watching the kids wasn't keeping a close eye on them, she hasn't watched them and will not watch them, when the kids are outside they are closely supervised. Another thing is; I live in the biggest mobile home park in town, I know of a lot of kids who run around unsupervised and you have to drive slow and watch out for them, also I know of homes where people live without approval from the manager. The landlady is one of those know-it-all people who will not listen to what you have to say, she is very prejudice; this was brought to my attention when I talked to her about buying the trailer because the guy I am buying it from is Hispanic and she didn't have anything nice to say about Hispanics even though 50% of the residents here are Hispanic. If I didn't pay my rent, if I had the cops coming around every so often, if my lot was a junk pit, if the kids where running wild in the streets I could understand her being concerned about renting me a lot. I can't explain to her that Mich and the kids are better off and safer living with me, that Mich is at a crossroads and needs to be able to save up to move out. I want to say "listen bitch, I am doing what is best for my daughter and grand kids so butt the fuck out and mind your own business and until we do something illegal leave us alone."

I own and understand her not allowing Mich to live in a home I rent from her, it is her choice on who lives in her property, and I signed a lease saying I would get approval for anyone, be it my kid or girlfriend or roommate, if they moved in with me. Looking at this from a 4th step point of view, the landlady has hurt my pride and since of security. Oh yeah, rental property here blows if you have a pet, only a few mobile home owners allow pets, none of the apartments or houses do, so I am stuck, I looked around and couldn't find a trailer to buy in another park in my price range. Yesterday I realized I had a dozy of a resentment building towards the landlady, I was driving around town with a conversation with her going through my head, wanting to set the record straight with her and tell her I talked to a lawyer and was calling her bluff. Last night when I went to bed I did the only thing I know how to do, I prayer for her and for acceptance.

I don't dig having my lifeboat rocked, I want everything in life to go along smooth. Things have smoothed out again for the most part, money, Mich and kids. The landlady bit will smooth out too once we move, we will live our quiet life, just be another tenant among and few hundred others. I am going to visit my sponsor this afternoon after work, puke on her table for a bit and I will continue to pray for the landlady, it always seems to help accepting someone I dislike, know we will never see eye to eye and move on, might not happen soon but with practice and time it will.

On the lighter side, Angel is really excited for Halloween, she wants to be a tiger princess, not sure where she got this idea but she is adamant this is what she is going to be. I found an orange tutu, plus orange tights, will buy an orange t-shirt, use electrical tape for strips, get her some cat ears and tail, paint her face orange with stripes. I found Carter the cutest gnome costume, little white beard, pointed hat, shirt/shorts with suspenders. I will take pictures and post them. I bought Angel some plastic fangs and she has been in hog heaven wearing them around the house.

Life is still good, even with battling challenges, classes are going well, I will start writing my next two papers for psyche next week. If I wasn't sober I wouldn't have these wonderful challenges. If I didn't go to meetings, talk to my sponsor and others in recovery, work the steps daily the best I can, I would be sitting in a deep well of shit with no direction out.

Peace Love Light

Every Step on the Path is Required

I may not have gone where I intended to go but I think I have ended up where I need to be.
Douglas Adams

Last night three of us gave our annual panel presentation to the local nursing students. The presentation is an informal discussion on alcoholism and addiction, we talk openly and honestly about the effects of alcoholism and also share about AA and how it works, drug addiction and NA are also touched on. Two of the people on the panel have medical backgrounds, one has done everything from basic nursing to respirator therapy, the other is a retired nurse. These two ladies were practicing alcoholics in their professions; one how has 6 years sobriety and the other 37 years. Our intent is to help the students who as nurse may possibly see a lot of sick alcoholics and addicts up close and personal both as patients and peers, also the family members effected. We try and break the stigma of what an alcoholic is, the three of us have all lead professional lives as practicing alcoholics but were also living very destructive lives. We talk about the obsessive nature of alcoholism, how the obsession is more powerful than our concern for family, friends and our own well being. We also share how we have found a solution, how the obsession has been removed or to put it in a better way, is in remission.

All of us enjoy doing this discussion. Some of the students are really interested in what we have to say. We hit a few nerves too when we talk, it is interesting to watch the expression on the faces, to see someone relate from their own experience. We do what we do because it is just another aspect of service without any expectations attached.

When I read the above quote this morning, it brought back what we shared last night. None of us set out in life to be chronic alcoholics. We didn't say as teenagers, I want to be physically, mentally and spiritually sick person by my 20's. Part of the importance of sharing our story with others, whether it be 40 students or just one on one, is we see where we have gone and where that life lead us both the bad and the good.

Every step I have taken and every step I take on the path is required. I step up to my ass in self pity shit, I wade through the muck of challenges I really do not like because they take me where I need to be. Where I thought I would be 30 years ago and where life took me are two different things. When I was about 8 years old I wanted to be an Oceanographer, 41 years later I am a full time student and part time desk clerk at a hotel, making just enough to survive and it is where I need to be today.

If my life would have been one filled with ease, would I have the gratitude I have for life today? I think the path of struggles both in and out of recovery have made me a better person. When I go through struggles and put them into perspective, I can see I am where I need to be. Struggle as always show me what I need to be doing or sometimes not doing, whatever the case may be. This was the indirect message we shared last night, three ex-drunks who had been to Hell and back, saying life was good today because we stumbled upon a path for living we hadn't intended upon taking.

Hope all are enjoying changing of the seasons, wonderful crisp evenings and mornings. The coffee always smells better when the house is naturally cool.

Peace Love Light
Scott

All is Quiet, All is Well

Hi all, before I spend the day doing some serious writing thought I would do some just for me and update those who still read my blog.

College classes are going as follows. Basic writing is easy for now and I am getting good grades. I am kicking butt in my Intro to Business but I should be with my years of experience, it is easy for me to read and comprehend the material which allows me to do well on the exam's and essay's. I was worried about how I would do on the essay's but once I got my head around what he was asking for I just free flowed the answers using my experience in relationship to the material in the text, so far I am getting high marks for critical thinking. Developmental Psyche is a different story from Intro to Business. The material in the psyche class is harder for me to comprehend, some of the stuff I can understand based on experience, other stuff is just foreign to me, the first 4 chapters have been more on theory and medical stuff. I got an 84 on my first test, 4 points where because I answered an essay question to the best of my ability, every point counts on this class. Having done the first test I now understand how he does his test. I have a paper due for this class on Thursday, a review of an article dealing with early childhood development. I choose to do mine on Reactive Attachment Disorder, a topic I am interested in, so hopefully I can do a half way decent job of transmitting what I read to paper in a 3 page summary. I have a little confusion on how to set up the title page and the topic in the 1st page of the paper but a buddy of mine with a psyche degree is going to help me with it this afternoon. If I work hard enough I should be able to get a B out of this class. The computer class has been a bitch but not from the material, it uses a Microsoft Internet program via using Explorer for a browser. I would start doing the online course and get kicked out after completing one subsection making a real pain in the ass to do the work very fast. Yesterday I was using the college's remote website to do some stuff in Office 2010, I took a chance and clicked on Explorer via this site and to my great relief was able to do the work easier than using Explorer from my desktop, literally a thank you God.

Last weekend I was at the state AA area assembly. I thought I would be able to get some homework done in the evening but learned a lesson that I couldn't. The problem is I am really tired come Saturday night. I work Friday night until 11 which means I don't get to bed until around 1am, then up at 5:30am so I can pick up a guy and be on the road by 6:30am for the 2 hour drive to the assembly. Another thing is; assembly is a full day of meetings, some interesting some not, basically I was physically tired and mentally burned by 7:00pm. This is not a big deal, what happened was I learned to not count on being able to study when I have to attend assemblies, once a quarter.

Speaking of AA, our district treasury has too much money in it. At our district meeting we decided to spend some of the money on books for a local mental hospital, we bought 2 Big Books, 2 Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions and 4 of the easy to read Grapevine story compilation books. We bought a 2 year subscription of the Grapevine for the library. We are also going to buy some chicken and have a speaker meeting in October, this will also be a event where the area delegate gives his report from GSO. We have enough money to bring in a speaker from Omaha and pay her expenses; fuel and hotel.

Mich and the kids have officially moved out of my house. It has taken me a bit to not miss the kids being around and not to worry too much about their emotional well being. I still see them a few times a week, so we have quality time together. Mich seems to be doing well in her job and not missing work or being constantly late. The kids are in daycare and doing well. Mich is still drinking too much but that is out of my hands for now.

I have a new normal now. Since Mich and kids have left it is just the dog, the hell on wheels kitten and me. I now have a quiet house to study in, timing of Mich being forced to move out couldn't have been better. My grocery bill has decreased for the most part, still buy stuff for kids to eat for when they do come around. I am getting use to allocating my study time between my time off and what I can get done at work on the slow nights. I have made a commitment to 3 AA meetings a week and 1 NA. Still in the financial hole but slowly digging out.

I have made a change in my diet. I started to really evaluate my eating habits, the knowledge of being 50 in February made me step back and think about taking better care of myself for my family. I talked to a Nutritionist at the VA, she gave me some good tips on eating healthier on a budget. I have started buying more ground turkey and pork to use in curries and stir-fries, buying avocados for salads, using vinaigrette dressing on salads and whole grain pasta dishes instead of so much Ranch. I will buy a steamer soon for meat and vegetables as well. Like a lot of other things the willingness to change came when I was truly willing to change. It also helps not having my lovely grand kids and daughter in the house eating stuff I have bought just for me. By the way I don't do fish but am learning to cook chicken in more creative ways than frying it.

Life is good, work is good, recovery is good. I am in my 6th year of recovery and feel I have been given opportunities to apply the 6th step in the 6th year.

Peace Love Light
Scott      

Because I am Sober

Holy crap where has the time gone?? Seems like only a few weeks ago I was checking out the options for going to college and Monday I started classes!!

I graduated high school in 1981 and other than Air Force leadership schools, 2 a month long and 2 correspondence courses, plus my Air Force technical school I haven't had any formal schooling. My late teens and early 20's where nothing but alcoholic drinking, then I got sober, got married, had a little girl. I got out of the Air Force after 10 years and even though I continued on in the Air National Guard which would of paid for school, I was too busy working and eventually even worse drinking to even think about college. Truth of the matter is I was getting by without a college degree even after I got sober again. Now at the ripe old age of 49 and after year spent working in a factory doing work which was too physically demanding for me, a year in which I applied for and was passed over for management jobs, I am going to college for the first time in my life.

My sponsor asked me if I was excited? The answer is no, I am scared. Fear comes from self doubt, looking at the thick text books and thinking I have to know everything in them NOW. Fear of not being able to remember stuff, freaking dead brain cells from substance abuse. Financial fear for giving up at least 2 years of regular work for a part time job, students loans and hopefully next semester grants/scholarships.

Monday morning I was able to put things into perspective, to see going to school in a practical light which I could wrap my head around, to 'intuitively know how to handle situations which use to baffle us". I looked at college as just another job, my assignments are like work orders and reports which need to be done within a certain amount of time, my home is now my office and my free time is now my work hours, my instructors are my bosses and trainers. By viewing college this way I can relate it to life experiences, see how I have been here before. I know from past experiences in starting new jobs I am not expected to know everything all at once. I know enough and am humble enough to ask for help today. If I want to make a change in my life I need to take action and accept the challenges those actions bring with them.

I have a Beginning Writing class on Monday's and Wednesday's. I will not receive any credits toward my degree for this class. My Compass test scores were high enough that I didn't need to really take this class but I did so because my grammar isn't the best, as anyone who reads this blog can attest to. I wanted to make sure my writing was up to snuff so I wouldn't get dinged on assignments and term papers for shitty grammar. Also since I like to write taking this course will help in my personal life and down the road job wise. Beware this blog will be an outlet of this class, still reflective of recovery life but also applying what I am learning.

I have Intro to Business as a web based class. The community college here is a satellite college, they offer some classes as lectures and labs but the majority are web classes. I feel this class should come easy enough for me so I don't need to be in a class room for it. This is one of two classes where my house is my office.   

I have Microcomputer Applications as another web based class. This class will further my knowledge of Microsoft Word, Excel, Publisher, plus teach me Power Point. I can navigate Word fairly well, know the basics of Excel and Publisher, know nothing about Power Point. This class is just a win, win all around.

My most challenging class will be Developmental Psychology which I have as a lecture on Thursday nights. I say this class will be the most challenging because even though I can comprehend the ideas, I may have a hard time remembering who wrote what. I read the first chapter and half of the second chapter at work, enjoyed what I read but got fearful over trying to remember all the information given. I hope my solution for this dilemma was the purchase of a small note book to write down important definitions, names and theories. One of my best friends got his masters degree in counseling so he will be a resource for me.

Because I am sober, I have the courage to change the things I don't like. I can see things in a new perspective. I can put my faith in a power greater than me, knowing with a bit of footwork I can accept my actions. I don't have worry about not comprehending my assignments because I am hungover. I can make it to class on time because I can get up in the morning feeling alive and refreshed. I won't put off assignments because drinking is more important and the notion there is always tomorrow. I can be self disciplined because I am aware of what I have invested in the change and also told enough people about who care enough for me to help keep me focused. I have mediation to calm my mind and bought some smooth jazz to listen while studying which helps block out other noises.

One a different note, my daughter has 3 weeks in which to be out of my house. She pissed of the landlords by not owning up to her responsibilities when it came to her being evicted from her apartment, not watching the kids close enough and choosing a girl to watch the kids who was not playing close enough attention to them either; kids have been allowed outside unsupervised on a few occasions unbeknown to me. I live on the bend of a busy street and the kids need supervised any time they go outside, Angel is pretty good about staying close to the house and not going in the street but Carter is Mr. Investigator, he will wander off to look at stuff or race his push car right out into the street. The kids can stay with me only if Mich gives me guardianship, as of right now she won't.

The landlord really did both of us a favor. Mich now has to figure out how to live without my support. She is kind of up a creek, she doesn't have the money to rent an apartment plus being evicted for 6 months back rent doesn't help. Her new boyfriend lives with his dad, doesn't have a job or drivers license. I really don't know what she is going to do and she hasn't talked about it since I told her she has to move.

I talked to an attorney about me filing for guardianship, he told as of right now a judge would side with her. He also told me to play close attention to her actions once she leaves, if she does not have a stable and safe environment for the kids then to call Child Protective Services. He said he feels the way she is going the kids will end up being wards of the state sooner or later at which time I will then be given guardianship. I don't like causing a big riff between Mich and me but I would rather have her mad at me than have the kids live an unstable life.

Because I am sober I can turn my daughter and grand babies over to my God. I can sit and watch to see what happens, know I have little control over a lot of what is going on. Because I am sober I have good people in my life to give me support, guidance and a swift kick in the butt when needed, instead of the few fair weather drinking friends I had in the past. I know I have said this in the past but because I am sober I can be here physically, emotional and spiritually for my grand babies and also my daughter.

Because I am sober I can live life on life's terms, fears and all. I have my struggles just like everyone else but I try to live the Steps, talk with others to the best of my ability contingent on my spiritual condition. I keep going to meetings, change my meeting schedule to fit my new life schedule. I go to meetings for newcomers and me, they help me and I might just once in awhile help them.

Well campers, I need to eat some lunch, then get ready for work. I am taking my computer textbook with me, Wednesday's, Monday's and Sunday's are pretty slow at the hotel so I have some time to study and read, thank you God for this job. 


Peace Love Light
Scott

Pecking to be Pecking

“What I want to say is, we are all trying to get back home inside, back in touch with something which means something which is love and caring and that is what we have between us. It took me a long time to realize everything else is a bunch of well something else. Cause for a long time all I could remember to do was run away from myself and everyone who cared for me, you know." Stevie Ray Vaughan

Independence
We have to stay sober no matter how life treats us,
no matter whether nonalcoholics appreciate our sobriety or not.
We have to keep our sobriety independent of everything else,
not entangled with any people,
and not hedged in by any possible cop-outs or conditions.
- Living Sober, p. 64

I have been struggling with trying to change someone I can't, hoping a sick/irresponsible person will get responsible and grow up. I have allow her to effect my serenity. I tried doing some footwork to create change but she resisted the suggestions because she doesn't see how her actions are effecting her kids and me. She is just like her old man a few years back.

I wrote up a list of boundaries and expectations. I outlined what she needs to pay for living with me, when she has to be home so I don't miss my regular meetings and also things she needs to get done and to ask for help getting them done. I will also keep staying on top of this list, reminding her of things to make sure the important things don't get delayed whether she likes it or not.

Since I don't have any control over her all I can do is have my ducks in a row in case she messes up. I learned for the last episode, I know what has to be done if she gets in trouble again, I know exactly where to go to for legal assistance, what forms to be filled out and have authorized which will at least give me temporary guardianship of my grand babies. A good friend talked this over with me, he said all I can really do is sit back and see what happens. I pray also, I give my little ones love, support and guidance they need.

Deep inside I knew I couldn't force change, my concerned side was wanting to speed things up. When I sent a message to FB friends a couple of weeks ago it was written out of fear and the frustration the fear caused. With their mom staying out all night and not coming home until the afternoon I was fearful the little ones were not getting the love and attention they needed from their mom, Angel gets upset when mom isn't here, she is afraid mom won't come home again for a long time like before when she went to jail. I was frustrated/fearful because I have been spending a big part of my income on the kids and their mom, mom got things messed up again with HHS and benefits were dropped; no daycare, no insurance for the kids, no assistance with food. I was afraid mom's behavior would lead her back to jail or the hospital. I was frustrated that even though the little ones and I have a very strong and loving relationship, Papa shouldn't be the main one providing for their emotional needs.

Angel, 4 years old, has started calling me daddy on occasion. I think this may come from watching t.v. and seeing how most homes have a mommy and a daddy. She may be trying to make something non-traditional into something tradition according to what she is see in the world around her.

The money thing money has me a bit spooked. I try to be non-materialistic and not selfish, to not get wrapped up in what I am spending. The kids always have food which usually includes a weekly treat purchase, like fruit gummies, cantaloupe, peaches, etc. I have cut out bottled water, replaced it with 2 plastic jugs of water in the frig, we where going through a couple of cases a week. I started getting movies for Angel and me at the library, instead of Redbox. I also got out my old cigarette making devise to make my own smokes for around the house, I know I should stop all together but not in the right place to surrender. I have processed my needs and wants; been craving old David Bowie, Hunky Dory and Ziggy Stardust, both of which I had on vinyl, put both albums on the want list until things get better, using YouTube to get my fix. Having said all this I am grateful I have a home, can pay my bills, put gas in my truck and keep it insured. I am just going through a financial change do to my own actions; quiting my full time job to pursue a higher education, in time everything will become normal, the change is just stressful right now.

I have been working on my fears and frustrations with others. I share about them in general in meetings, talking about the importance of the steps and how they have helped me look at fear, what my part is and how I am not letting the fear become overwhelming, fear is present but not overwhelming. I have also use living in the moment quite a bit, doing what is in front of me and tackling a job at home which I have put off to keep me busy. It has taken a few 24 hours but I finally reached the point of surrender. I don't like drama and calamity and in true alcoholic fashion was looking for a quick fix not via booze or drugs but through other people and meetings. I acknowledge I was given another opportunity for growth. Through this challenge I was able to come home again, to get out of self, to see how I got into self, to stop worrying about the little ones and just give them what they need without the fear of what their mother is doing.

I have been working on this post for about a week, I am watching kids on the days mom works and even when she doesn't they are by my side, which is wonderful most of the time. Mom did give me part of her paycheck, which went to pay for an increased phone/Internet bill. Mom dropped the BF in South Carolina so I don't have to worry about her taking the kids out of state to live with a guy she hasn't seen in 5 years, who doesn't have a full time job, I had a feeling this would happen but still had things laid out to try and keep kids from moving just in case, she could go if she wanted, see how things worked out then in 6 months if all was good come get kids. She has a new BF, another loser in my opinion but it is her life. I talked to about this with a couple of old timers, who said they think she picks up guys in need of mothering so she doesn't have to look at herself and her own short comings. Once again the apple didn't fall too far from the tree.

 My work schedule has changed, the other person who works the evening shift needs Friday evenings free; she is taking an internship on Fridays and cannot commit to being at work by 3pm. I will be working Monday, Wednesday, Friday, have Saturdays off and we will alternate Sundays. This change in schedule helps out both her income and mine, instead of only working 2 days a week every other week, we both get 3 days regularly plus an added day every other week. I really enjoy working the hotel, talking to guest, making sure they enjoy their stay, selling the hotel to guest so we get good marks and return customers, playing the sly businessman who says "well how about I take $5.00 off the room rate," we get the sale and the guest is happy. With the exception of Friday nights, I will have some dead time to study; once I get towels folded, spot clean main areas, I walk around the hotel a few times a night to make sure everything looks good. The computer program came easy to me, doesn't take me much time to navigate it or find billing errors. The phone system can still kick my ass at times, mainly when I have 2 calls at once and have to interrupt one call to take another, I have to get over feeling like I am being rude to one customer in order to take a call from another.

All in all everything is going well or as it should be. I know things always work out if I put a little faith in Divine Providence. When I do this gig called life, one day at a time, I reap the benefits of the steps, I stay on the Middle Path. I need shaken up from time to time, it keeps me from getting complacent, teaches me new things, keeps me teachable, makes damn sure I use the spiritual tool kit and connect with others instead of trying to fly solo which is what I did in the past.

I am speaking out of town on Saturday, old friend of mine from here asked me to speak at her home group picnic in a town about 150 miles away. I have 3 buddies going with me for the road trip, old time AA at it's finest. I have pondered for a month what I was going to talk about. I now know I will talk about how a chronic drunk has found sobriety and has faced a lot of challenges in the 5-1/2 years he has been sober and stayed sober. I will share about overcoming the stigma of being a non-Christian in meetings which are dominated by Christians who sometimes forget what the BB and traditions say. I will talk about the deaths, the lost of jobs, the changes I done intentionally and those I had no control over. I will talk about the Solution, how it applies to my alcoholism and life in general. I will most definately praise how the obcession to drink has been lifted, now it is still mind boggling how this has happened, especially during challenging times.

Thanks for reading this long babble. Hope all of you are doing well with what life is giving you. Hope you are coming home to the you inside.

Peace Love Light

p.s. I re-enrolled in the VA for health care, last week I went of my check up. In 2009, last time I had a check with them, I had high blood pressure, 3 years later my blood pressure is good. I credit this to learning to live in the now and keep the stress in perspective. I still smoke a pack a day, have cut my coffee intake down to 1 pot a day, don't really exercise, still use salt because my taste buds are shot due to smoking. The only thing which has really changed is drinking more water and really learning to live life on life's terms. Not saying I need to continue the bad habits, I turn 50 next year and really have to make some health changes, my sponsor tells me to just keep praying for the willingness. I trust her, she has been smoke free for over 15 years.