Because I am Sober

Holy crap where has the time gone?? Seems like only a few weeks ago I was checking out the options for going to college and Monday I started classes!!

I graduated high school in 1981 and other than Air Force leadership schools, 2 a month long and 2 correspondence courses, plus my Air Force technical school I haven't had any formal schooling. My late teens and early 20's where nothing but alcoholic drinking, then I got sober, got married, had a little girl. I got out of the Air Force after 10 years and even though I continued on in the Air National Guard which would of paid for school, I was too busy working and eventually even worse drinking to even think about college. Truth of the matter is I was getting by without a college degree even after I got sober again. Now at the ripe old age of 49 and after year spent working in a factory doing work which was too physically demanding for me, a year in which I applied for and was passed over for management jobs, I am going to college for the first time in my life.

My sponsor asked me if I was excited? The answer is no, I am scared. Fear comes from self doubt, looking at the thick text books and thinking I have to know everything in them NOW. Fear of not being able to remember stuff, freaking dead brain cells from substance abuse. Financial fear for giving up at least 2 years of regular work for a part time job, students loans and hopefully next semester grants/scholarships.

Monday morning I was able to put things into perspective, to see going to school in a practical light which I could wrap my head around, to 'intuitively know how to handle situations which use to baffle us". I looked at college as just another job, my assignments are like work orders and reports which need to be done within a certain amount of time, my home is now my office and my free time is now my work hours, my instructors are my bosses and trainers. By viewing college this way I can relate it to life experiences, see how I have been here before. I know from past experiences in starting new jobs I am not expected to know everything all at once. I know enough and am humble enough to ask for help today. If I want to make a change in my life I need to take action and accept the challenges those actions bring with them.

I have a Beginning Writing class on Monday's and Wednesday's. I will not receive any credits toward my degree for this class. My Compass test scores were high enough that I didn't need to really take this class but I did so because my grammar isn't the best, as anyone who reads this blog can attest to. I wanted to make sure my writing was up to snuff so I wouldn't get dinged on assignments and term papers for shitty grammar. Also since I like to write taking this course will help in my personal life and down the road job wise. Beware this blog will be an outlet of this class, still reflective of recovery life but also applying what I am learning.

I have Intro to Business as a web based class. The community college here is a satellite college, they offer some classes as lectures and labs but the majority are web classes. I feel this class should come easy enough for me so I don't need to be in a class room for it. This is one of two classes where my house is my office.   

I have Microcomputer Applications as another web based class. This class will further my knowledge of Microsoft Word, Excel, Publisher, plus teach me Power Point. I can navigate Word fairly well, know the basics of Excel and Publisher, know nothing about Power Point. This class is just a win, win all around.

My most challenging class will be Developmental Psychology which I have as a lecture on Thursday nights. I say this class will be the most challenging because even though I can comprehend the ideas, I may have a hard time remembering who wrote what. I read the first chapter and half of the second chapter at work, enjoyed what I read but got fearful over trying to remember all the information given. I hope my solution for this dilemma was the purchase of a small note book to write down important definitions, names and theories. One of my best friends got his masters degree in counseling so he will be a resource for me.

Because I am sober, I have the courage to change the things I don't like. I can see things in a new perspective. I can put my faith in a power greater than me, knowing with a bit of footwork I can accept my actions. I don't have worry about not comprehending my assignments because I am hungover. I can make it to class on time because I can get up in the morning feeling alive and refreshed. I won't put off assignments because drinking is more important and the notion there is always tomorrow. I can be self disciplined because I am aware of what I have invested in the change and also told enough people about who care enough for me to help keep me focused. I have mediation to calm my mind and bought some smooth jazz to listen while studying which helps block out other noises.

One a different note, my daughter has 3 weeks in which to be out of my house. She pissed of the landlords by not owning up to her responsibilities when it came to her being evicted from her apartment, not watching the kids close enough and choosing a girl to watch the kids who was not playing close enough attention to them either; kids have been allowed outside unsupervised on a few occasions unbeknown to me. I live on the bend of a busy street and the kids need supervised any time they go outside, Angel is pretty good about staying close to the house and not going in the street but Carter is Mr. Investigator, he will wander off to look at stuff or race his push car right out into the street. The kids can stay with me only if Mich gives me guardianship, as of right now she won't.

The landlord really did both of us a favor. Mich now has to figure out how to live without my support. She is kind of up a creek, she doesn't have the money to rent an apartment plus being evicted for 6 months back rent doesn't help. Her new boyfriend lives with his dad, doesn't have a job or drivers license. I really don't know what she is going to do and she hasn't talked about it since I told her she has to move.

I talked to an attorney about me filing for guardianship, he told as of right now a judge would side with her. He also told me to play close attention to her actions once she leaves, if she does not have a stable and safe environment for the kids then to call Child Protective Services. He said he feels the way she is going the kids will end up being wards of the state sooner or later at which time I will then be given guardianship. I don't like causing a big riff between Mich and me but I would rather have her mad at me than have the kids live an unstable life.

Because I am sober I can turn my daughter and grand babies over to my God. I can sit and watch to see what happens, know I have little control over a lot of what is going on. Because I am sober I have good people in my life to give me support, guidance and a swift kick in the butt when needed, instead of the few fair weather drinking friends I had in the past. I know I have said this in the past but because I am sober I can be here physically, emotional and spiritually for my grand babies and also my daughter.

Because I am sober I can live life on life's terms, fears and all. I have my struggles just like everyone else but I try to live the Steps, talk with others to the best of my ability contingent on my spiritual condition. I keep going to meetings, change my meeting schedule to fit my new life schedule. I go to meetings for newcomers and me, they help me and I might just once in awhile help them.

Well campers, I need to eat some lunch, then get ready for work. I am taking my computer textbook with me, Wednesday's, Monday's and Sunday's are pretty slow at the hotel so I have some time to study and read, thank you God for this job. 


Peace Love Light
Scott