Thank you Psychic Change

"On the other hand—and strange as this may seem to those who do not understand—once a psychic change has occurred, the very same person who seemed doomed, who had so many problems he despaired of ever solving them, suddenly finds himself easily able to control his desire for alcohol, the only effort necessary being that required to follow a few simple rules."
The Doctor's Opinion page xxix

For me the last couple of weeks have been nuts; frustration, overly busy, added drama, lack of me-time. Each night when I lay in bed and say my prayers I also give thanks for the not having the obsess to drink, I give thanks to God, whatever It is, that I not drinking has become as normal as breathing in and out.

I am a garden variety drunk but this plant in the universal garden of life at one time could not function without a drink. I always drank after work, which meant I had a cooler of beer in my car for the 1/2 hour drive home and if I didn't feel like going right home I would drive around country roads drinking until I did. When I worked a part job at a convenience store and I had a few hours prior to going to work I would drink and once it got really slow in the store I would keep an open beverage in the cooler to sip on. On weekends I would get up, drink a pot of coffee and then start drinking; starting around 11am and stoping sometime around midnight. I couldn't go anywhere in the car without a cooler of beer nor could I attend any function without drinking before hand and reaching my hand into the cooler when it was over.

Here is what is going on with me.

Mich never had her own checking account. Her bf controlled all her money. When they split due to the eviction I found out she was flat broke and bf would not give her any money, saying she blow all her tax refund. They were and he still is involved in a multi level marketing thing, one of the those programs were you get people under you so you can advance. The program is about discount hotels, airfare, trips and online purchases. They do presentations to friends and anyone interested in hopes they will sign up under you and you make a profit from them signing up and there purchases plus anyone they recruit. Another added expense is going to motivational conferences. Neither one works a regular job and both, especially him believe they will make a bunch of money off of this. I told Mich these types of programs are kind of alright if you use them for a side income but are not a living income. She agrees with me but still believes they can make a bunch of money in the long run.

Mich and bf split of over money and him not supporting her or the kids. He is not willing to watch the kids while she job hunts and will not even give her gas or basic needs money. Of course this doesn't sit well with me but I am powerless. I have also kindly pointed out to Mich her roll in all her current troubles, she isn't white as snow in all this.

The kids are smothering me. Angel is still awake at 3am when I get home. She talks to papa until we go to bed, she sleeps with me. When I get up both Angel and Carter are by my side a great deal. Via a conversation with my sponsor, we figured out that not only I am I papa but I am a calm person in their lives and give both positive attention and love. Yes I get after them when they do something wrong but not with loud anger. Mich shows them love too and is good about positive construction discipline. Mich is having depression troubles though all this so she isn't 100%, so they gravitate to papa.

I was going to physical therapy 5 days a week and I now down to 3 times a week, 1 hour a day. This was really messing with my free time also, session are in the middle of the afternoon. Therapy is helping and the exercises they have taught me help me out at work when the shoulder/neck pain starts. It isn't all bad just an added something to adjust to. Ever hear the saying "alcoholics hate change".

I applied for vocational rehab assistance, since alcoholism is considered a disability. Friend of my was able to get some tuition assistance from them. I was turned down because I am recovering successfully. Not a big deal, it was just a footwork avenue to explore to make college a bit cheaper.

Took my Compass test to see what basic classes I will need for college, mandatory requirement prior to enrolling. I scored a 95 in reading comprehension, 67 in writing and a 49 in math. Knew the math would be low, I don't have a mathematical mind, if i can see a practical use for math then I understand it but if a fraction isn't on a tape measure then it is useless to me, 13/25 is not a useful or understandable fraction to me. My advisor told me to hold off on math until my 2nd semester, to first take classes which I am interested in, then tackle the harder subjects. I haven't been in school since 1981, so I had already made up my mind my first semester would be classes of interest which would make studying and homework easier. I will take a writing class, business class or 2 and a psychology class. If I decide to move on after 2 years and get a bachelors degree I will have to take an algebra class but by the time this rolls around hopefully I will be in the groove and the class will not be too hard plus there are free tutors available.

Work sucks! Part of the problem is me. Being on light duty I feel I am not pulling my weight and worry about my coworkers and supervisors. The other part is having a supervisor who is not familiar with the machines we operate. I have been running an old machine which has a really crappy computer program, it takes a 1/2 at least to program it from scratch. The boss whats his production numbers and is pushing us hard, understandable but also it is frustrating when he doesn't understand the challenges of the machines we run. O.k I am grateful for having a job and mental tools which allow me to calm down to a certain extent when I get frustrated at the machine and the boss. I have decided since I am going to quit in August anyway to start looking for a summer job now. I can hopefully find a seasonal job doing mowing or grounds maintenance which will hold me over until classes start in August. Starting around August depending on where I am working, I will try and find a couple of part time jobs to keep me afloat. I also want my weekends relatively free this summer, my current job doesn't allow for this, we have already started working 10 hours on Saturdays.

The way I am looking at the whole work deal is like this; this job has been stressful and too physically demanding from the get go, I now have a clear plan of action for better employment also. I feel I might as well bit the bullet, take a bit of a pay decrease and enjoy my summer, have my weekends and evening pretty much free. Footwork, footwork, footwork is what it will take.

So am going though what for me is a slightly stressful time. I make my Sunday morning home group meeting but that is about all. I meet with my sponsor once a week, actually met a couple of times last week just to download on her. She has been a God sent, she is not my God but is It's voice and ears at times. By finding a God of my understanding and working the steps daily, 1, 3, 10 and 11 plus awareness of defects and willingness to work on them, I have not had a desire to drink. I am still in awe of this fact, this goes against my whole previous behaviors, it is amazing and a miracle. The program of recovery outlined in the books Alcoholics Anonymous and the 12 and 12 really works for me/us if we work it.

I am not skipping down the yellow brick road but I am reasonably sane, serene and accepting of the challenges in my life. I have the mental ability to understand what footwork I need to do to change those things I don't current like in my life and to accept the powerlessness over other things. I love my daughter and grand babies and am glad I am here for them, I am adjusting to their presence but having to search out ways to have some alone time. It is wonderful to be able to find solutions via my God and others in recovery. I really can't say enough about how good it is to not be a total mess right now.

I am not saying my challenges are worse than anyone else, just saying how grateful I am for the tools to get through my challenges. I continue to pray and send positive energy to all my friends facing much harder challenges than me!!

Peace Love Light
Scott