Keeping Gratitude Alive

A couple of weeks ago I bought a copy of the AA Grapevine collection book called "Spiritual Reflections II". It is a collection of articles from the Grapevine magazine about peoples spiritual experiences. I have read the first volume a couple of times and was glad to see a new one out. I like to hear about others experiences in recovery and life, whether it is an article in a magazine, something shared at a meeting or posted on a blog. The reason "he not busy being born is busy dying" is one of my favorite phrases is; I always have more to learn in life, more to reflection on and more changes to make. If I stop growing spiritually, I will die spiritually, I will become bitter, more egotistical than I already am and a self absorbed asshole who isn't servicing the Divine purpose of life.

One of the writers talked about "keeping gratitude alive". She was saying it wasn't simply enough for her to make a gratitude list, she said she could get complacent with the list because it was routine and she realized she wasn't putting gratitude in action during her hours awake. I liked this and thought, wow another thing for more mindfulness daily reflection.

Yes I am happy a large portion of my day but do I reflect on this happiness as gratitude or do I just accept it as part of life?

I have a habit of saying "thank you" to whatever Divine power there may be when good things happen during the day; a green traffic light when I am in a hurry, remembering something at the right time, a accident prevented which could have created a mess or slight injury, a notion on a better way of doing something thus saying time and money. These are acts of gratitude in the moment.

I love watching the birds eat out of my feeders, I need to remember I am blessed with eye sight to see this. The other morning I heard the black birds making a racket, so I went to the window to see what the fuss was about, figured they were picking on the starlings and finches again. One black bird was taking sunflower seeds to it's mate who was a few feet away bathing in a puddle of water, I can only imagine one was telling the other to hurry up with the food. I was privileged to witness this and have the mindfulness to notice the beauty of nature.

Keeping gratitude alive for me means, acknowledging the gifts I have been given. To understand my head is clear enough to really see things in life, to feel things and to know I don't have it so bad. My knees have been really hurting me the last week or so, instead of complaining I need to be grateful I am still able to do my job, even with a knee brace, others are less fortunate.

It is true nothing in life is permanent and I shouldn't become attached to anything in life. If I lose what I am attached to, I need to still able to remain peaceful even in the face of calamity, mindfulness and mediation are the tools for this for me. Not saying I don't get upset but after careful reflection I can bring myself back to the impermanence of life, it might take a few days for this to happen, it all depends on how soon I am willing to let go of the attachment. Yet I need to feel in my heart a since of gratitude for the wonderful things in my life, for the gifts and not as my sponsor says, minimize too much. I have to work on finding a balance with being humble; to share beauty and insight as a gift, I have been given the gift, I can't take credit for it yet I need to share it and take complements gracefully from others and not minimize my part in the gift, if that makes sense.

The first half of this post was written prior to go to my Sunday morning home group. Bring Fathers day and also due to the death of Clarence Clemons, I was already in a sentimental mood. I was reflecting on my dad and how I missed him, reflecting on how much joy the Big Man brought to the world and also what keeping gratitude alive means. I shared how it is automatic for me to feel gratitude at night when I get home from work and go for a cold bottle of water or ginger ale, how to me this is such a great change and how the obsession to drink alcohol has been lifted. What has really kicked in the last couple of days is the realization I naturally do this in the mornings too. When I was drinking if I had a few hours of idle time prior to work I would start drinking beer or wine. My eyes were teary during the whole meeting because I was filled with such gratitude over how my life has change and how the obsession has been lifted. The thought of drinking in the morning is completely gone, I had forgotten how bad I was and how I couldn't have any idle time without having a drink in my hand. I share easily about a lot of the damage and severity of my active alcoholism but the reality of morning drinking never really hit home until Sunday morning and I couldn't hold back the tears. I was blessed my sponsor was at the meeting for a change, I told him of the experience and also a close friend. My sponsor told me this is the an act of gratitude I really need to share with others, we are never to old or to young in recovery to hear about others experiences.

Saturday evening I had my friend over for supper, she is the one who's son in dying. Earlier in the week I had debated asking her for supper. I realized I needed to ask, there seemed to be a connection, and leave the decision up to her. Yes she is going through a really rough time in life and after putting her life on hold for a few months has started to doing things for herself. So who I am I to think she didn't need my company and someone to talk to. I told her honestly I had mixed emotions, but realized I was enabling her in the grief and reality process if I didn't reach out. We had a really good evening. We have a lot in common, lot more then Lady B and I did, but I had to have the relationship with Lady B to understand more about me and relationships. We shared laughter and she shared tears, we shared commonalities of alcoholism. She was looking through my music collection, identifying artist she liked, when she said the Indigo Girls I was shocked. The Indigo Girls are not very well known in this part of Nebraska, they aren't commercial and are radio stations are very much geared toward commercial artist, even the classic rock stations. Don't know where this relationship will go but for now we going to start building the friendship. When we talked Sunday afternoon I told her of my concerns about rushing into things too fast, how sex can really mess things up and cause a lot of emotional pain if it is too soon, she agreed and told me she was a bit relived to hear this. We are both sharing about ourselves from the heart, I feel this is the best way to start a relationship. Any how thought I would let you in on this.

Well I need to get in the shower. A buddy is coming over to set up his new tent and water proof it. Friday we are headed up north for our camp out and river run.

Prayers, blessings and love to all!!

Peace Love Light

Scott