Being Dad

Hi all and hope spring is treating you well. I have all my plants planted and in their pots, waiting for the ground to warm up enough for the bulbs to grow, weather has been a teeter totter here.

This is about my daughter Mich and me. Many know during my drinking daze I was neglectful towards Mich. I didn't look after her needs emotionally or financially. I compensated my shame of drinking too much by allowing her to run wild, she was drinking and hanging out with older kids when she was 13. By the time she was 15 she was very resentful towards me; too many broken promises, embarrassment at having the cops show up at our house to take dad away in handcuffs, a rather dirty house house much in need of repair. My recovery started the road to healing but not before her actions as a result of my drunken parenting did its damage. By 16 she was in a girls home for being an uncontrollable youth; 2 Minor in possession of alcohol convictions, public assault, drunk in public, plus guilt by association with a bad crowd which the judge wanted to distance her from. By 16 she was pregnant, barely 17 when Angel was born, ward of the state of Nebraska almost to her 18th birthday. Yet she managed to graduate high school as a teen mother. Once sober I have supported her the best I could, sometimes to the point of serious enabling. When I moved away, my enabling lessened which was good for both of us. She is a very level headed young woman for the most part and a very good young mother, she still drinks on occasion but from what I can tell it isn't out of hand, she also has friends in recovery whom she turns to when she needs grounded advice.

Mothers Day was the shits for her! Her boyfriend, father of Carter baby number 2, who lives with her proved once again how immature and selfish he is. Detail, I dislike the kid because he is lazy, can't or won't find a job, spends huge amounts of time playing the Magic card game with buddies, smokes pot and drinks. If he worked to provide for them and smoked pot and drank, I would be more forgiving. To his credit he is good with the kids. So on Mothers day I am outside doing landscaping and here comes Mich with the kids in the stroller, she had walked 4 miles to my house because BF took her car; the car they drive is hers and I pay the insurance, if it wasn't for the kids I would make them go car less. They had a fight because he made plans to spend all day with his mother, not setting aside any time for the mother of his son, Mich also wanted to visit her Grandma for Mothers day. He took off with the car while she was in the shower, leaving her with a dead cell phone on top of things. Mich has had a hard time with Mothers day in the past because of her mothers death, now with kids of her own, the day once again is special. I was pissed at him needless to say at his immaturity to not realize once you have kids Mothers Day is about the mother of your kids and not about your mommy. I could have sent the cops after him for stealing the car but know deep down inside revenge is not the answer, doing the right thing sucks sometimes! In the end, Mich and kids spent day with me and I took them and my mother out to supper.

Last Saturday morning I get woke up by the dog barking a wake up enough; it was 10:30am and I had worked the night before not getting to bed until 5:00am. It was Mich, I had locked the dead bolt so she couldn't let herself in with her house key. She had checked BF's cell phone from the night before, he had been out very late playing Magic, on the cell phone where text messages from a girl, there was a lot of flirting and talk of hooking up. Mich was pretty upset needless to say, she was also tired and a bit hung over from drinking with her neighbors. So after both of us cleaned up and when grandpa had his coffee level replenished, we took a drive to a bigger town to do some shopping. I wanted to go to a discount store which we don't have locally to check on yard decorations. I didn't find anything special at the store for me but bought toys, books and clothes for kids. We also went to the big dollar store, one of those where everything is $1.00, Mich bought a bunch of basics. We went out to eat and they stayed at my house until late Saturday evening. Sunday Mich and the kids where here once again, she was basically avoiding BF and trying to work things out in her head, she did go and visit a good recovery friend of hers. Mich has been in and out of meetings for a few years, she misses the bond with recovery people but all her playmates drink so she hasn't chosen to change her environment, plus BF drinks and doesn't like her going to meetings.

Monday morning she her and the kids where here once again, she was in tears. She said she broke up with BF and was worried about his actions. I reassured her we can handle anything he throws at us, which would include trying to get custody of Carter. She said she has done a lot of reflecting the last week and realizes this is not the life she wants for herself or her kids. Part of it is no financial security, always behind on bills, borrowing money for diapers, or anything else. She is tried of his laziness, the fact that he said she needs a new battery for the car when in fact dad just cleaned the terminals, lot of built up corrosion on the positive post and the battery was fine added to this. She was tired of the manipulation, he always twist things to make it seem like all their problems are her fault. He never wants to do anything with her family or friends, it is all about his family, they are very close and controlling, sickly so. She has friends who are in good relationships and she wants the same. She wants a healthy relationship, one based on mutual respect, sharing of responsibilities plus security for herself and the kids. I hope she sticks to her guns because this is what I want for her too, what parent wouldn't. She would like to get a job but can't trust him to watch the kids, state won't pay for daycare with him living there and out of work.

Tuesday she is over and this time she tells me she freaked out on him Monday night and beat the crap out of him with a tikki torch and kicked him out of the apartment, he called her some pretty rude things. She was scared he would retaliate so she stopped by the cop shop to find out about a restraining order. This has set the ball in motion for her to by charged with assaulting him since she admitted she beating him up and his mom took pictures. Long story short he got his stuff without any problems. Kind of a messy deal now though. What she did was wrong but I feel she just has so much penned up anger she exploded and lost control. She will have to report to jail in a day or so, from there a court date will be set. The cop she talked to said if she reports early enough she should be able to see the judge, post bond and not spend any time in jail right away. She will opt for a Public Defender who hopefully keeps her out of doing much if any jail time, if he explains to the judge the emotional mess she was in. I am not against her going to jail but for selfish reason her going to jail would create problems finding someone to watch the kids.

What has happened over the last few days, months and years between Mich and me is a direct result of me being sober, living the steps and connecting with a spiritual way of life. There are no strings attached to my actions. I try to be here for her and she honestly appreciates what I do for her. Moving back here has given her a place to go when she is down, a safe and serene place. It is like when the chips are down dad is here for her. My being here for her is the best thing I can do. I can't fix the situation. Like a friend says, we have to allow others to experience what they must for their growth. She has to experience every bit of her pain and feel the fear, then and only then is there a chance for her to change. It has taken every experience I have had to make me the dad and grandpa I am now. Every experience has molded my recovery and spiritual life, the good and the bad. I am blessed and grateful we weathered the storm of drinking years and now have the healthy loving relationship we do. I know a lot of people in recovery who's kids are still angry at them or just have a casual relationship with them, they are sad about this and also powerless over changing their kids, sometimes living amends don't work out the way we want them to.

This afternoon I had a BBQ, Mich and the kids where here. We all had a good time and good fellowship. There was a lot of talk about Soberfloat, Soberfloat is when a bunch of recovery people get together for the weekend, camp out and spend the better part of the day tubing or canoeing the biggest river in Nebraska, there is one big potluck all weekend and meetings, big bonfire meeting Saturday night which last until everyone has has a chance to share. This year will be the third one they have had, 3 of us, myself included, have been to the last 2 and are going again. A buddy and I are doing what we can to make sure anyone who wants to go gets to go, we can't foot the $25.00 for the float but we will work out transportation, sleeping arrangements and food, the event is 3-1/2 drive northwest of us. We do it because we love the event and because it is what Dr. Bob would have wanted us to do. Maybe we can't teach someone how to enjoy living sober but if people hang out with us we can show them how to.

Oh yeah and this is cool. We were jamming to Led Zep on the way to G.I. she told me she never realized how great they were! Plus she has started borrowing my Blues c.d.'s. She has listened to this music most of her life and is now maturing enough to appreciate it, instead of it being the old man's music. Hopefully a friend of mine will receive the same warm fuzzy when her kids start enjoying White Stripes and Tool:-)

Well friends this is my tale of late. Work is going alright, I am accepting the things I can't change and keeping do the footwork the things I can. Mom is getting settled into her apartment and really liking it. My aunt, her youngest sister, has really helped her and I think enjoys mom being back in town.

Peace Love and Prayers to all!!!