Love Beats Hate-Learning to Love

My friend Lori at http://mylifeinterupted.blogspot.com/ wrote a wonderful post on Love Beats Hate, complete with her little's holding up poster boards, please check it out. This is an FB cause/challenge I won't take part in for personal reasons but I will honor Lori's request to write a piece on it out of friendship and it is something I have compassion about and like reflecting on.

"In the practice of tolerance, one's enemy is the best teacher" His Holiness the Dalai Lama

I don't know who first told me "you shouldn't use the word hate, it is powerful and ugly". I doubt is was my parents, even though they didn't use the word hate much, they were just not strong teachers of intolerance, although they did teach us to treat others as we would like to be treated, kudos to them. Who ever it was, the phrase has stuck with me, my whole life.

Removing and correcting the word "hate" from my thoughts and words has been a life long challenge. To this very day when I catch myself thinking "I hate" this person or thing, I have to change my thinking to "I dislike". For me to hate is associated with wishing destruction upon someone. Either the physical, emotional or social destruction of that which goes against my beliefs, likes or thing which is treating to me. My biggest challenge in this arena is media figures who I believe to be dangerous to the world, America or even my small part of the world. It is really easy to say "I hate Fred Phelps and all he stands for" but to wish harm on him is wrong. If I believe in the force of the Universe, spiritual principles, then I must believe some how, some way, these dangerous people will pass on and have hope we as humans learn something from their ugliness which we can use for good. The evil of Hitler and the Third Reich has been a great teacher for intolerance in places where intolerance has had a strong hold, it has been used in intercity schools to counteract gang violence and association, it has been used in racist parts of the US to show kids where racism leads. It is sad 11 million people lost their lives to such evil but the loss has not been in vain and will continue not to be in vain as long as there are people willing to teach and live by principle of intolerance and assist others in understanding where it can ultimately lead.

For me a lot of changing my thought process has come from teachers who have been persecuted for their beliefs yet have been able to show compassion to the persecutors. How dare I in my grandiose way hold a resentment/hatred towards someone who has bruised my ego, challenged my philosophy or simply stepped on my toes. Holocaust survivors talk about having forgiveness for the atrocities against them, they may dislike but are not hateful and bitter, they understand how harboring hatred would ruin the rest of their lives. The Dalai Lama and Thich Nhat Hanh are both teachers of how I should show compassion to all, even towards those who have hurt me. These two men witnessed unspeakable crimes against their people yet have found it in their hearts to show compassion and love. I do my best to do as the Dalai Lama says and use those who transgress against me as teachers. I have never had any major acts of violence committed against me or my family, how ugly is it of me to wish ill will towards those who so superficially hurt me when people who have had great acts of violence committed against them, their families, their loved one, their race and nationality can show love and forgiveness. Others who fit this category are, Gandhi, Mandela, Dr. King, people who were on death row for crimes they didn't commit and finally released, civil rights activist, Native Americans, you can add your own to the list, which could get very long.

The other side to this for me is the recovery from a disease of selfishness and ego inflation gone wild. The Big Book says, "But with the alcoholic, whose hope is the maintenance and growth of a spiritual experience, this business of resentment is infinitely grave. We found it fatal." Just down from this Bill writes " If we were to live, we had to be free of anger. The grouch and the brainstorm were not for us. They may be the dubious luxury of normal men, but for the alcoholic these things are poison."

When I relapsed, the fuel which kept me drinking in part was anger and resentment; I was resentful towards my ex for making me a single parent, towards her for killing herself and leaving my daughter motherless in her formative years, I was resentful against the war and those who took us to war, against religion, against a society who mocked and belittle anyone who didn't follow the status quo or refused to pledge blind allegiance, just to name few.Untreated, (one doesn't have to be active to be sick), alcoholism/addiction gives us thousand of reasons to blame other people, places or things for our misery.

The main person I was resentful towards was me. I hated me, what my life had become, what my daughters life had become, the hurt I cause to my parents, I wanted to die. I did not want to commit suicide in the conventional way, no this would have been too much for my daughter to have 2 parents commit suicide, I just kept hoping I would not wake up or have an alcohol induced heart attack or death. Yet I refused to quit drinking, the disease would tell me I wasn't that bad, or if I felt bad the desire would kick in, I would pick up, temporarily blotting out the pain only to have the depressing return, such is the vicious cycle of alcoholism/addiction.

The process of learning to love myself was a bit slow once I got sober. Through the aid of a great sponsor, one who always ended a conversation by saying "I love you", I started forgiving myself, this was also the result of working the steps with him. I learned to accept the mistakes made in the past and take the actions needed to correct the damage done. The actions were showing love, being responsible, not drinking or drugging and practicing spiritual principles to the best of my ability on a daily bases. He told me to pray for my ex wife and in time I forgave her, accepted the disease she suffered from. I stopped reading blogs which fueled my anti-government/society anger, this was part of practicing Right View, I distanced myself from the news even NPR. I came to accept what Bill said about anger and resentment, I take it to heart and know it can be fatal for me. Alcoholics and addicts have two great masters, one is our Higher Power which keeps us staying clean and sober, the other is the Disease. The disease lets us know if we don't take constructive action it will kill us. I don't want to die today.

Love has shown me how to live a peaceful life. Love has shown me how to find balance. This is not to say I still don't dislike things, I just no longer hate things enough to wish destruction. If this type of anger crops up, I reflect on it and see how the wrong view is damaging to my spiritual being. Love is the easier softer road, for me it seems it takes a lot less energy to love than to hate. The energy of love can be transmitted to others. My parents teaching of, treat others as you would have them treat you, is a gift, yah I know this is the Golden Rule found in all religions or spiritual practices. Some people never received this gift or ignored it, they live their lives in angry hatred which is sad. Somewhere in the Bible it says, "love the sinner, hate the sin", I replace the word "hate" with "dislike" for spiritual reasons.

The events of the last month have created a small resentment in my heart. I see this resentment and the damage it can cause. When the resentment rears its ugly head, I counteract it with thoughts of love and compassion. What happened, happened, I played my part in it. I do my best to apply acceptance to the situation at hand. I also know if I don't take action against the resentment it could in time lead to my death, maybe not physical but for sure spiritual. There is a catchphrase which goes "my disease is in the parking lot, doing push ups just waiting for me", harboring a resentment is a sure way for me to walk out into the parking lot and have the disease say "hey buddy, I am here for you, lets you and I work out this resentment thing, you don't need no Higher Power, you don't need those people, you don't need those steps. I will make you forget everything, I will blackout your mind for the time being, reality is over rated anyway." For an ex-drunk and lover of downers like me, it could happen this easily if I am not vigilant. The beauty is, it isn't hard work saying vigilant if I practice love and compassion on a daily bases, spirituality and living sober become a way of life, as long as I do the footwork.

Lastly, I have no direct power to change others views or actions on hatred, violence or intolerance. If I preach against violence, tried this with kids and their video games, or hateful words said, my preaching falls on deaf ears, no one likes to really be told, their ways are corrupt. I can only be a vehicle for love, tolerance and compassion in the way I live my life. If my life is attractive to someone and they wish to make the change then it is their choice, they are the ones how must seek a Higher Power to aid them, a personal means to find inter peace, to end suffering.

Well campers, that is my 2 cents worth. It is going to be a warm day here in Nebraska, highs in the mid 50's. Time to take down mom's Christmas lights, do a bit of work on the Explorer.

Peace Love and Light to all!