Assertiveness

Hey all, hope you all enjoyed your weekend. We have had cooler weather here which is nice. I made the best of my 1 day off by going to my home group meeting, highlight of my week, chilling out and watching a couple of movies, also had friends around to plan this weekends camp-out.

This post is for my sake, if you can get something from it the great, if not cool also.

I have been thinking and mediating on my lack of assertiveness in certain areas of my life and how it causes suffering. I get frustrated with myself because during certain confrontations I lack the ability to stand up for myself in the moment, I can't think quick enough to defend myself or state my perception. This happens most often with people who are more aggressive and have stronger personalities or who I perceive to have power over me.

This awareness and need to work on some form of change has come from my conflicts at work and also the conversation with the ex girlfriend. Accusations where thrown at me about things which I have not been totally at fault on. When under this type of pressure my mind seizes up and I can't think about a constructive reply. After the confrontation I mill it over and over in my mind, thinking of where I was in the right and in the wrong. Problem is it stays in my mind because I don't have the assertiveness to re-confront the person and speak my peace. This has been a life long pattern.

Where this stems from is my life growing up. My dad was a very strong and assertive man. He would stop any counter reply with an angry voice, evil eyes or physical aggression. I learned at an early age to cower when confronted by a strong figure. I was bulled at school for the same reason, never sticking up for myself. My life has been run on fear of strong personality types. This has caused unwarranted shame. Intellectually I know when I am in the right or wrong. Yet I lack the ability to speak up for myself sometimes.

This isn't a constant way of acting. If I feel a person is reasonable I do assert myself, I have stood up to bosses, friends, family members. I can do this either because I have known them long enough to know they respect me or they will not continue to belittle me, they may not agree with what I have to say but they won't hold it against either, we can agree to disagree.

Strong personalities in my perspective are the ones you have to walk on eggshells around. My dad was like this, never knew if something I did, didn't do or said would set him off. These are the people who I feel when confronted will either create bad vibes for a period of time or treat me as less than.

In recovery I have learned to keep my mouth shut to a certain degree and think before I speak, having mindfulness to know whether my words are spoken in loving kindness and whether my intentions are good or not. This is something else I have to work on, being watchful of foot in mouth disease. I have seen where my words or actions have harmed others, learned from them and tried not to repeat them, yet once in awhile I still do this. I have tried not to intellectually bully others but see where my being bullied has caused me to pay back those who have bullied me on innocent others.

I tend to use avoidance with people I perceive have too much power over me. Like the situation at work. My co-worker on 3rd shift has a habit of coming over when I am setting up the machine and taking over the set up. He doesn't explain what he is doing, just like a bull in a china shop he does it. Grant it he is faster than I am and more experienced but I know what I am doing most of the time, just slower out of caution, less experience and some self doubt which makes me recheck some of what I am doing. The guy has a strong personality and ego, this has been noted also by the guy who trained me but moved to another machine, periodically comes over to check on me and chat. This guy, Mr. 3rd shift, also treats me as less than when we work together, always running the controls/show, so sometimes it appears I am not doing anything, which I am not because I am waiting on him. When this happens if the supervisor is walking around it makes me look bad. Now I have 2 choices; one is to accept this, the other is to confront this guy in a proper way and tell him how I feel. I tried last week to distance myself as best as possible from him, this is an attempt to make my work and actions my own, so if the supervisor is around I am working on my own machine and my mistakes or achievements are mine alone. Friday night he was working on his machine with his trainee and came over to my machine, who my trainer was helping me with out of boredom, he started tell us what to do, now at 2:30 in the morning with a 1/2 hours left to work this did nothing but create confusion and animosity. So now I need to put on my big boy underwear and confront the guy next time this happens and tell him I appreciate his knowledge and will ask him for advise but to please leave me alone because he is doing more harm than good, maybe even throw in how he makes me feel very inferior. So I know the answer intellectually now comes the courage to follow through. Thus the mental conflict of years of cowering to strong personalities. Side note, my parts are always done correctly and I haven't had a reject in a couple of months, I may make a scrap part on occasion but it comes with setting up the machine sometimes.

My supervisor is an eggshell person, similar to my last one but at least with her we did have one on one talks which allowed me to express myself, when her mood was stable enough to do so. I don't know where this guy stands, he never talks to me directly, he has made general comments about our operations but never pin pointed who was not doing their job to his satisfaction. The guy is all about big numbers, getting the most parts done on a shift, which isn't always possible due to small orders. He told the lead man to keep an eye on my productivity. The lead man in all fairness told me this as a heads up and I was able to express to him how sometimes it isn't always possible to get big numbers. The lead man is in my corner thankfully. He sees the bigger picture. The 3rd shift guy and his trainee are pets of the supervisor, noted by lead man and other workers, so there appears to be extra pressure on me. When I have my next review which should be coming up in a few weeks, I will try my best to air out my conflicts. I hate being insecure about my ability to talk to my supervisor. I have had problems like this in the past but most of the time they have worked themselves out because supervisors know I am working as hard as I can and see my strong points as well as weaknesses.

Now what can I do about my lack of assertiveness and self esteem with these types of people? First off is to accept myself when I have done nothing wrong even if others think I have, part of this comes in the form of talking the situation over with my sponsors or mentors. In some areas I am very comfortable with me, my views, my stances in life. It just dawned on me, I need to take my faith in my recovery into the work place and use that same faith and conviction when confronted by others who are trying to shame me. I need to learn to speak up, it may not be possible to do so in the moment but for the sake of shutting up the committee in my head I need to do so as soon as I am able. oh boy see this taking some time. With mindful practice in time, who knows how long, I may learn to speak my peace in the moment, do so without sounding like a little kid, to pull forward the inter-strength I know is there.

I feel in the journey of sobriety things are revealed to us when we are ready and able to work on them. Certain situations have not presented themselves in the past because I wasn't completely ready to handle them, emotionally or spiritually. I have learned how to be more assertive in small doses. These doses haves shown me I am worthy, I am not responsible for others feelings. I have learned to handle fear in many different aspects. Life is showing me there are still many fears I need to face. I need to chop the fears up into small doable pieces, handling them this way makes them less overwhelming. I have learned to use breathing and mediation to handle many anxieties yet still find new aspects of life to apply this to, aspect which have a stronger imprinted on how I deal with certain situations. The road of recovery isn't always easy but it is rewarding. The reward comes from facing challenges in life, from lessening the suffering, in finding inter-peace in situations which use to baffle us. The rewards comes in not having a craving for alcohol to kill the feelings of insecurity, of not running away. The reward comes in reaching out for help, either from our God or others.

I am not comfortable with the answers I have found. Growth isn't always the most comfortable of things. I am comfortable with my dad's way of doing things and hold no ill feelings over how I was raised. The uncomfortable comes with knowing once again I have to step outside my comfort zone in order to make my life better, even if better means just accepting the things I can not change after the footwork has been done. I have stepped outside the zone before, I have the experience which tells me everything will be alright in doing so. This is just another aspect of my God telling me to cowboy up and do a bit more self caring. A dear friend of mine says "recovery is not a selfish way of life, it is a self caring way of life." If I care enough about myself I will do the things needed to make my life spiritually and emotionally healthy.

Thanks for letting me babble. In doing so I see things a bit clearer.

Peace Love and Light to all!!

Scott

Killing time before work

Hey all.

While I finish my morning pot of coffee, my morning starts at noon, and wait for the time to put on the jeans and steel toe boots, thought I would jot some stuff down.

I picked my first cherry tomatoes, all 4 of them and 1 tennis ball sized regular tomato. The cherry tomatoes are in the upside down planter, the bush isn't all that big, so next year I will just plant them in a pot. The upside down planter was just a novelty thing and I haven't had much luck with it. Cucumbers aren't doing the best in the window boxes either, next year I will just have to dig up a spot and plant them in the ground. My flowers and elephant ear plants are finally starting to show some life, couple more weeks and I will take a picture of them to post.

I have had some struggles at work and finally realized I need to keep myself away from my co-workers who come in for 3rd shift, I start at 4:30pm they come in at 7:30pm. It seems they draw the attention of the supervisor and even if I am not doing anything wrong some bad vibes get sent my way. I am ultra critical of myself and don't need to play head games with whether or not the supervisor is pissed at me, the other guys or our work area as a whole. I also have to remember if the supervisor has a beef with me he can tell me, other wise I will keep doing my job to the best of my ability. The other side of this coin is the building of slight resentments towards my coworkers, something I know is unhealthy for me, spiritually and in recovery. Best way to stay out of the drama and line of fire is to remove myself as best as possible.

My poor doggie must have eaten some bad grass, got home the other night to find diarrhea spots all over the carpet. Had to use a wire brush to get them out of the carpet once they dried. Why write about this? Because this is what living a sober life is all about, taking the time to stay on top of things instead of popping tops and saying I will do it tomorrow, like 2 or 3 months at least of tomorrows.

Made plans to take my mom out to Idaho to see my eldest aunt, moms sister, in early October. Time to tighten the money belt. My aunt is 86, she was like a second mom to me when I was a kid. I want to see her one more time before she transcends this life, her health is iffy. Who know she may live another 1o years but I would be upset if I didn't see while I have the chance.

Have a camp out planned for the 19-21st of August just south of town. It will be a chance to have a nice bonfire meeting, good fellowship, good food and relax by some small lakes. The other co-leader of our camping group and I are having a flag made with our Happy Campers logo on it, so people can find us easier, we realized we need something for people to see who may not recognize our vehicles or those who show up after dark. Since it is close to town a lot of people in the fellowship can come out just for the evening. "We create the fellowship we crave", of something like that, don't have my Big Book beside me.

Self reflection and awareness are going well. Seeing areas of improvement and taking action and sometimes inaction to work on them. I feel inaction, like keeping my mouth shut or sitting on my hands is just as important as action. There are time in life when, "do nothing" has its benefits.

Mich is back with her old bf, so I haven't seen her and the kids much of late. She knows I don't like this but I haven't hounded her about it, it is her life to live. She has started a new job and enrolled in college, hope and pray both work out for her.

Even with the heat the days are lovely. Flower bushes in bloom. I have 2 bird feeders and enjoy watching and listening to my little friends hang out at them, they are like a pub for birds. The mice found my bag of bird feed so now I am feeding them as well:-) I have stepped up my practice of the "not killing precept" by not buying a fly swatter and allowing the flies to do their thing and just shoeing them away, all living things are interdependent even if we don't understand the interdependence.

If you want to watch a great movie rent "The Music Never Stopped". It is about a father and son relationship. The son has a major tumor which caused memory loss, he can't remember even things from a few minutes in the past, but he can remember the music of his time, 1965-1970. The only way the dad can connect with the son is through this music. Dad love the music of his era 50's early 60's but learns to enjoy his son's music and understand his son's life better. Oh yeah father and son had a major falling out, it has been 20 years since they have been together. It is a beautiful and heart warming true story, one which will bring tears to your eyes in a good way.

Well time to put together a couple of sandwiches and put on clothes more appropriate to factory work than gym shorts and bare feet.

Take care all and enjoy the warm weather, the bitter cold of winter isn't too far away.

Peace Love Light

Scott

Elevator broken, use the Steps

Hi all, it is a warm and wonderful day here in central Nebraska, I day I hope I can visualize this winter when the cold north wind is freezing my skinny butt.

I went over to my back-up sponsor's house yesterday. The original plan was to start work on the 4th step using the Joe and Charlie tapes. Joe and Charlie are a couple of old timers in AA who got together to study the Big Book together, somewhere along the line they started doing their study with large groups of people. The studies have become popular within AA and my sponsor uses them as a guideline for working the steps with others. After we talked about certain things yesterday, she asked if I would be willing to go through the whole series of tapes and the steps again. She said she has found the tapes have been most helpful to people with a few years in recovery. My answer was sure. We have placed no deadline on completing the tapes or steps, due to our schedules, we will try and get together weekly but this may not always be the case.

As some know my sponsor isn't easily available and I have been mentally playing around with the idea of getting a new sponsor for this reason. The back-up sponsor is someone I see almost weekly at my home group and the person I use most often as a sounding board for what is going on in my life. Thing is though, I haven't committed myself to talking to one person on a regular bases. Some may think this is no big deal but for me it is. I need to lower my pride and face my fears. By talking to someone on a regular bases, I am allowing my God to work for me through others. I need to hear and talk about perspectives, I need to hear constructive criticism. I don't tend to make a lot of rash decisions but I still make my share of mistakes based on my ideas of what is best for me or my interpretation of God's will. I need a mentor because self mentoring isn't the healthiest thing for this old ex-drunk to do.

I am willing to work the steps again because I understand there is more which needs to be revealed. I need to look at my actions and thinking thus far on my road of recovery. I need to see where I have been right and wrong, to see the patterns and make adjustments if need be. When I had those 9 years of recovery in the past, I never reworked the steps. I believe in hindsight this added to my relapse. I have heard many an older member say they have worked the steps over a few times because life changes once we get sober and we need to evaluate the changes. Reworking the steps is a way of evaluating my emotional and spiritual sobriety. Working them with a new sponsor is an opportunity to get rigorously honest with yet another person. To say I don't fear another relapse would be a lie, I understand way to well how subtle complacency can sink in, how patient a foe alcoholism is. I go to meetings, I talk to people in recovery, I do a 10th step, I practice the 11th step and try to do service work when I can. Yet I believe there is still more work to be done.

In the last 4-1/2 years since I quit drinking I have gone through a lot of major changes and events. The stuff with my daughter, my parents, jobs, relationships. My spiritual path has been opened as well. All these things have a direct correlation on how I am living the steps. So when the suggestion was made to rework the steps, I was willing to say yes.

This is just what is going on with me. Just part of my journey I thought I would share with you.

Peace Love and Light

Scott

It is what It Is

Hey all, hope everyone is handling the heat. We haven't had the wicked thunderstorms here like some of you. Yesterday Sunday we received 1-1/2 rain, which was fine by me, my plants needed watering anyway. Heat index has been over 100. The plant I work in does not have any AC, so it is around 100 most nights, I have a couple of fans but still sweat rolls down my legs, having to wear jeans and steel toe boots in the heat is the worst. But at least I have a job and the heat will only last for another month or so. I don't have AC in my house either but that doesn't bother me, I use fans. I was raised without AC and a lot of the houses I have lived in didn't have AC either. The lack of AC has kept Mich and the kids way though. I am glad last year I finally got in the habit of drinking water, I am sure it is healthier for me than 3 pots of coffee and day;-)

O.K. I told a dear blogger friend I would write about this new relationship, I just needed to wait until Sunday to see what was going to go down before I did. It ended. The reason was she said she couldn't be in a relationship with a non-Christian and felt I have some deep-seated resentments toward Christianity, resentments which were a powder keg waiting to blow. She is right to a point, I have strong dislikes towards any power which imposes it philosophy on others through force and intolerance.

From the very start I have made it clear I don't believe in a Christian concept of God or Heaven. She was constantly praising me for giving her new perspectives on spiritual matters and life. She would tell me I was amazing and how much I was helping her, even borrowed a book by Thich Nhat Hanh. I had a hard time with the praise, yes my ego liked it but inside it was scary plus all I was doing was sharing what had been given to me, nothing original. I shared my perspectives on suffering, how suffering stems from selfish desires. Since her son is dying from Muscular Dystrophy I shared about my experiences watching my dad die and my feelings when he finally died and how it related to selfishness. I made it clear that even though I do not believe as Christian do, I am cool with Christianity and other beliefs, I believe religion can have a positive impact on peoples live whether they are Christian, Muslim, Pagan, Buddhist etc. We spent many hours talking about spiritual beliefs. We spent many hours sharing about ourselves, the good and the bad. She praised how I was different from other guys she had dated, marveled in our similar taste in music and other stuff. This was also an attraction for me. I hit if off with her son with MD, he is an intelligent young man and talked about religion his and mine. He was concerned about my not believing in Heaven and Jesus, I told him that as of right now I don't believe but this could change down the road.

Here are my thoughts on the afterlife. I don't know, don't know if there is one, if anything I believe the spirit continues on, inhabits different human living forms and when the spirit finally finds enlightenment, it ascends to a celestial place. I also believe that maybe, the spirit goes where we believe in; heaven, gathering of elders or what ever. Honestly I don't know and don't worry about it. For me living in the here and now is more important. My spirit will go where it goes and since I am a human and selfish I hope it goes to a peaceful place or continues on until it arrives at a peaceful place. I think the afterlife is as concept created my humans out of fear, fear of never seeing there loved ones again. Sure I would love to see my loves one again those who have gone on before me and come after, but I just don't know if this is going to happen, this type of belief isn't within my grasp of belief at this time in my life. My fantasy afterlife is to sit in the big concert listening to Stevie Ray, Lennon, Harry Chapin, Jimi, Janis, Cass Elliot, Karen Carpenter, Nat King Cole, Waylon, Cash, all the blues, jazz, folk, rock greats. I would like to also finally know the answers to some questions; who was really responsible for JFK's death, what was Hoovers part in it,and other questions which have baffled man.

So 2 weeks ago we were watching Season of the Witch. The main characters are knights of the Crusades. GF didn't know what the Crusades were about. With a bit of venom in my voice I said they were about the Christians killing non-Christians in an attempt to take back the Holy land. Both her and her son caught the contempt in my voice and pointed it out to me. I acknowledge my wrong, said I have problems with the church killing people for a holy agenda. We also talked about the genocide of the Native Americans and how they were forced to convert to Christianity. Once again I said it wasn't anything against Christians in general but the people in power with an agenda. If we had been watching Cry Freedom or Gandhi and I had made the same contemptuous statements against white South Africans or the British, even though it is wrong to hold contempt against a people for the acts of their leaders, I doubt nothing would have been said. By the affection I received after the movie I thought my amends was accepted and the fact that I still have areas of spirituality which need improving were accepted as well.

During the week thinks were normal, good conversations, words of affection and the I miss you texts. Side note; during this whole time she had been telling me she has let me into her life and her feelings more than any other man she has been with. So the following Saturday morning, there is a hiccup with her hospice worker, worker showed up late, gf had an hour to kill prior to going to work, 5am. I was still up and unwinding from work and she comes over. I am not an affectionate person right after work, I am very habitual about cooking something to eat and going on line to read blogs as a way to unwind and relax. We made out a little bit but for the most part she rested on the couch while I read, we did talk a also. I had to work later that day and then we were going to a friends for a BBQ. I called her after I got off work and noticed she was rather cold. When I got to her house the coldness was still present and pervaded through the evening. We got back to her house and had a healthy discussion, it seems my ignorance about having a child in a wheel chair upset her, I made a couple of wrong statements and suggestions. When I left there was a very confusing vibe in the air. Sunday I went over to her house, cooked supper, watched a movie and we talked about what was going on. I once again acknowledge my ignorance, and told her I reflected back on how I was when my dad was dying and how protective I was toward him and also my mom, how this protectiveness sometimes put me at odds with my siblings, it was the best way I could slightly put myself in her shoes. She told me she had to put her kids first and what was left over was for me, which I was fine with because I believe kids come before companions. My perspective from the hugs and kisses I received when I left was that we had just had a bump in the relationship, that time and more open conversations were needed but things were good between us. Monday's conversations weren't hot but not cold either, other than a comment by her about how I couldn't work in the incoming homeless shelter because it was Christian based. To which I replied yes couldn't, I respect the work the homeless shelter is doing, just have a different perspective on things which doesn't make me right or them wrong just different.

The rest of the week was completely without any communication from her. I sent a couple of text messages to her, mainly saying hi and hoping all was well, basically my way of saying, it is cool if you need to work things out, I haven't jumped ship. Sunday afternoon she invited me over, met me outside the house, gave me the movies and books back I had loaned her and said it was over, due to religious reasons. She said her son with MD was upset with me and didn't want to see me. I feel she took somethings I said out of context and failed to say I most always saying things are my perspective and others have the right to their perspectives. One of these was about a friend of ours who has in my opinion neglected her kids since she got into recovery, she spends at least 5 if not 6 nights a week at either recovery or church related meetings/events, she isn't home and available to her teenage kids and because of this the older ones have got into trouble which includes a teenage pregnancy. When I talk about this friend I always say " I love her dearly but I don't like what she is going and how it has effected the kids". The reason I have a gut feeling my words were twisted is, when she talked about past relationships she always pointed out the negatives about the person and didn't own her part.

The hurt for me is; I fear I have hurt her son. My reflections tell me, I was very careful with my words, always pointing out how my religion and philosophy were mine and other people have other paths.

The other thing which has rattled my cage was how fast she changed. Literally it was within a matter of hours. She went from hot to warm to cold within probably 48-72 hours. This really confused the hell out of me and is still messing with my mind.

We both walked into this relationship knowing the religious convictions of the other. The reason I invited her over for supper was so she could see the spiritual symbolism in my house and also the social convictions on display. I have a wall hanging with Coexist, which is spelled out with different religious symbols, poster of Lennon and the words to Imagine, Einstein with an anti-war quote plus different Buddhist items including a 2 foot statue. I knew she was a Christian and church goer and her faith was important to her. I was willing to see if we could accept each others differences, start a close friendship which might lead to something more. This it did for a few weeks.

I had a long conversation with my back up sponsor Sunday afternoon. She has over 35 years sobriety, she is also in her late 60's by the way. Connie has had some of the same struggles I have had with religion and religious leaders. We also talked about relationships. I have a date to go over to her house Saturday, she is a firm believer in using the Joe and Charlie cd's and 4th step work book. We are going to work on a 4th step about religion plus more on this relationship. I also need to add a Saturday night meeting, right now I only go on Sunday mornings, my work schedule and need for sleep keeps me away from weekly meetings. By picking up an additional meeting, I am opening myself up to the newcomer and at the same time paying more on my insurance policy.

I don't want this writing to sound like I am playing the victim. I understand my mistakes and my quirks. I am writing as a means to heal, grow and better understand what happened. Plus I need to be honest with those of you who read my blog.

I am alright not being in a relationship. I enjoy the spiritual, emotional and physical intimacy which comes with a relationship. For now though I am just going to kick back and breath. Maybe let someone find me instead of me finding them ;)

Stay cool friends and thanks for letting me ramble.

Peace Love and Light

Scott

Sober floating, Sober camping

Photo's top to bottom; THANK YOU district 14 for another wonderful Sober Float, our campsite, Niobrara river valley, river just down from campsite and last my camera shy dog Sweetheart.

My friend Wendy rode up with me, her fiancee Jeremy drove up in his car with a sponcee. We had a really good visit up, part meeting, part fun conversation. Jeremy's sponcee did his 5th step on the trip up. I enjoy roadtripping with fellow recovery people; always talk about what it was like and what it is like now, plus personal insights, lots of laughter and a bit of open heart seriousness.

This was the first 5th step Jeremy had done with a sponcee, it was wonderful to hear and see the effect it had on him. It is truly beautiful to watch people grow in recovery.

We made it in plenty of time to set up camp, have a chili supper and make the 8:00pm meeting. There is no time limit at camp out meetings, it goes on until everyone gets a chance to share, which is really nice; there were 34 people at the meeting. After the meeting with started the bonfire just as a thunderstorm started rolling in. While the others retired to their tents, I tended the fire and waited for 2 other cars to show up. Tending the fire in a gentle rain was a great time for me to do some mediation and feel nature. In one of the cars was my daughter Mich and her new boyfriend, by midnight they still hadn't shown up. There is no cell phone reception at the campgrounds, so I drove a couple miles out of the canyon to call them. Call it God or Karma but I met them just as they were turning onto the road. Once they got to the site, Mich quickly set up the tent, telling bf, who is not a camper, what to do to help, something I found quite amusing, yep she is my kid.

Saturday morning dawned sunny and beautiful. After the tradition breakfast of breakfast burritos, I fry the meat ahead of time and scramble the raw eggs so all I have to do is fry the mixture up, then warm the tortilla's, quick and easy breakfast everybody likes. We got to the launch site at 9:30am. One guy from Kearney, Francis, with about 18 months sobriety ventured the 200 miles on his own, he was a virgin to the whole AA camping and Sober Float experience, he decided to step out side his comfort zone, took the chance and showed up. Francis was going to float on this own but I suggested he tie up with us which he did. We tied 6 tubes together with a cooler tube in the middle. The cooler held, water, Gatorade, smokes, lighters and cameras in a plastic container. The water temperature was brisk but not freezing. There were 4 relatively newcomers tied with us, we shared about ourselves, lots of laughs and perspectives. An hour and a half into the float we stopped at Smith Falls, the biggest waterfall in Nebraska, something like 100 ft. Smith Falls is a common stop on the river, place to use a bathroom, have a picnic and see the beautiful waterfall, stand under the freezing water. For sober alcoholics it is also a great place to get a flashback of what we were once like.

The river is crowded with plenty of people drinking beer and other alcoholic beverages. Some are very loud, others just mind there own business and drink. At the falls, you get to watch people stumble along, listen to stupid alcohol induced conversations, things we use to do. Some of it was sad, like a few young women who were drunk out of their minds, it was only about 11:00am. Nick and I talked about how many light weights there were, how we drank so heavy a 12 pack had little effect on us. This isn't bragging, this is the sad truth of where our addiction took us. Watching others drink on the river is always a good reminder of why we can't and don't want to drink again. Even Mich and bf who are not active in recovery, they still drink, noticed how much better it was to float the river sober.

We landed at the half way point, campground for Sober Float around noon. There is a lunch of burgers, hot dogs, salads and such provided by district 14. After lunch most people get back on the river and do the 3-1/2 hour float which concludes the days floating. I had been in the second half of the float before, it is just as beautiful and peaceful as the first half. This year I decided to forgo the second half, go back to the campsite, clean up dishes, gather firewood and then take a drive along the river and also go into the town of Valentine for ice, plus wanted to call Teresa (new girlfriend) and talk to her, I missed her not being able to come. Mich's bf said he had enough sun for one day and stayed back as well. I asked him if he wanted to go for a ride with me and he did. We had a nice visit while driving, stopped at a scenic lookout. He mentioned he was glad he came, he had never experience this beautiful part of Nebraska before. I didn't talk to him much about recovery, figured he was surrounded by people living in recovery and the message would come through loud and clear without a word being said.

Evening brought a potluck supper and another meeting. One of the guys from Kearney who lives in a three quarter way house, brought his little sister up, it was her 12th birthday and his present to her was tubing and camping, he shared how this was one of the best things he had done in his young life and was so grateful he was clean and sober. The final count for Sober Float was 54 people, many of them newcomers. I think I got as much out of the newcomers being there as they did. It is a joy to watch people realize they can have fun in recovery, to experience "we are not a glum lot, we insist on having fun"!

It started raining once again after the meeting. This time most of my group took a 25 mile road trip to a casino in South Dakota. Me not being a gambler stayed behind, built a big fire and once again took time to mediate. I also laid down and read for a bit, then got a good nights sleep. The gentle sound of rain on the tent was just the right thing to hear while following asleep. Next morning we started a roaring fire, drank a couple of pots of good campfire coffee and loaded up. Another storm move in just as we finished loading. I had a different person ride back with me and again it was good conversation.

We got back to Kearney at 2:30pm. Teresa came over and we had a nice visit while I put things away. My relationship with Teresa is growing, we have much more in common than I did with Lady B. We have common taste in music and movies, both like to read and also our drinking and up-brings are similar. Both come from families where emotions were not expressed with the exception of anger. I met her boys on Tuesday and we really hit it off as well. I will write more on this later.

My yearly journey to Sober Float is something I really enjoy. I love the peacefulness of floating down the river, spending quality time with the God of my understanding. I enjoy the fellowship, the love, laughter and support. It is a time of mindfulness and reflection.

When we got back, Wendy, who is not a tent camper but stepped outside her comfort zone, Jeremy bought a nice tent, even had a battery operated ceiling fan in it, trying to make the experience of sleeping in a tent more comfortable for her, said we need to do another camp out. In the past Wendy and Jeremy have stayed in cabins when we camp, so she has been a part of the camping experience. Anyway, she said she missed not having our bonfire meetings, meetings among our small group of campers, close friends who really open up sitting around a fire surrounded by nature. It was decide we would have a camp out later this summer at a state park a few miles south of Kearney. This will allow others the ability to join us without having to drive very far, be easier for those of us who work second shift or Saturday's. I thought it was really cool she was the one who brought up the idea of camping again, usually it is Jeremy or I who instigate this.

Well friends, this has taken my a week to write. Today is the 4th of July. I am taking my mom and Angel to my home town for the annual parade this morning, I haven't been to the parade in a long time, mom and I will enjoy the parade seeing old friends and Angel will like the candy and abundance of horses. Today is also Angel's 3rd birthday, so this afternoon we are having a party for her. Angel has been a special gift from God to me, she has given me a chance to grow in more ways than I can count.

Peace Love and Light

Keeping Gratitude Alive

A couple of weeks ago I bought a copy of the AA Grapevine collection book called "Spiritual Reflections II". It is a collection of articles from the Grapevine magazine about peoples spiritual experiences. I have read the first volume a couple of times and was glad to see a new one out. I like to hear about others experiences in recovery and life, whether it is an article in a magazine, something shared at a meeting or posted on a blog. The reason "he not busy being born is busy dying" is one of my favorite phrases is; I always have more to learn in life, more to reflection on and more changes to make. If I stop growing spiritually, I will die spiritually, I will become bitter, more egotistical than I already am and a self absorbed asshole who isn't servicing the Divine purpose of life.

One of the writers talked about "keeping gratitude alive". She was saying it wasn't simply enough for her to make a gratitude list, she said she could get complacent with the list because it was routine and she realized she wasn't putting gratitude in action during her hours awake. I liked this and thought, wow another thing for more mindfulness daily reflection.

Yes I am happy a large portion of my day but do I reflect on this happiness as gratitude or do I just accept it as part of life?

I have a habit of saying "thank you" to whatever Divine power there may be when good things happen during the day; a green traffic light when I am in a hurry, remembering something at the right time, a accident prevented which could have created a mess or slight injury, a notion on a better way of doing something thus saying time and money. These are acts of gratitude in the moment.

I love watching the birds eat out of my feeders, I need to remember I am blessed with eye sight to see this. The other morning I heard the black birds making a racket, so I went to the window to see what the fuss was about, figured they were picking on the starlings and finches again. One black bird was taking sunflower seeds to it's mate who was a few feet away bathing in a puddle of water, I can only imagine one was telling the other to hurry up with the food. I was privileged to witness this and have the mindfulness to notice the beauty of nature.

Keeping gratitude alive for me means, acknowledging the gifts I have been given. To understand my head is clear enough to really see things in life, to feel things and to know I don't have it so bad. My knees have been really hurting me the last week or so, instead of complaining I need to be grateful I am still able to do my job, even with a knee brace, others are less fortunate.

It is true nothing in life is permanent and I shouldn't become attached to anything in life. If I lose what I am attached to, I need to still able to remain peaceful even in the face of calamity, mindfulness and mediation are the tools for this for me. Not saying I don't get upset but after careful reflection I can bring myself back to the impermanence of life, it might take a few days for this to happen, it all depends on how soon I am willing to let go of the attachment. Yet I need to feel in my heart a since of gratitude for the wonderful things in my life, for the gifts and not as my sponsor says, minimize too much. I have to work on finding a balance with being humble; to share beauty and insight as a gift, I have been given the gift, I can't take credit for it yet I need to share it and take complements gracefully from others and not minimize my part in the gift, if that makes sense.

The first half of this post was written prior to go to my Sunday morning home group. Bring Fathers day and also due to the death of Clarence Clemons, I was already in a sentimental mood. I was reflecting on my dad and how I missed him, reflecting on how much joy the Big Man brought to the world and also what keeping gratitude alive means. I shared how it is automatic for me to feel gratitude at night when I get home from work and go for a cold bottle of water or ginger ale, how to me this is such a great change and how the obsession to drink alcohol has been lifted. What has really kicked in the last couple of days is the realization I naturally do this in the mornings too. When I was drinking if I had a few hours of idle time prior to work I would start drinking beer or wine. My eyes were teary during the whole meeting because I was filled with such gratitude over how my life has change and how the obsession has been lifted. The thought of drinking in the morning is completely gone, I had forgotten how bad I was and how I couldn't have any idle time without having a drink in my hand. I share easily about a lot of the damage and severity of my active alcoholism but the reality of morning drinking never really hit home until Sunday morning and I couldn't hold back the tears. I was blessed my sponsor was at the meeting for a change, I told him of the experience and also a close friend. My sponsor told me this is the an act of gratitude I really need to share with others, we are never to old or to young in recovery to hear about others experiences.

Saturday evening I had my friend over for supper, she is the one who's son in dying. Earlier in the week I had debated asking her for supper. I realized I needed to ask, there seemed to be a connection, and leave the decision up to her. Yes she is going through a really rough time in life and after putting her life on hold for a few months has started to doing things for herself. So who I am I to think she didn't need my company and someone to talk to. I told her honestly I had mixed emotions, but realized I was enabling her in the grief and reality process if I didn't reach out. We had a really good evening. We have a lot in common, lot more then Lady B and I did, but I had to have the relationship with Lady B to understand more about me and relationships. We shared laughter and she shared tears, we shared commonalities of alcoholism. She was looking through my music collection, identifying artist she liked, when she said the Indigo Girls I was shocked. The Indigo Girls are not very well known in this part of Nebraska, they aren't commercial and are radio stations are very much geared toward commercial artist, even the classic rock stations. Don't know where this relationship will go but for now we going to start building the friendship. When we talked Sunday afternoon I told her of my concerns about rushing into things too fast, how sex can really mess things up and cause a lot of emotional pain if it is too soon, she agreed and told me she was a bit relived to hear this. We are both sharing about ourselves from the heart, I feel this is the best way to start a relationship. Any how thought I would let you in on this.

Well I need to get in the shower. A buddy is coming over to set up his new tent and water proof it. Friday we are headed up north for our camp out and river run.

Prayers, blessings and love to all!!

Peace Love Light

Scott

Not Much to say, well maybe??

Last Saturday and this Saturday have been fellowship days. Last Saturday was the state reunion. This is an event were the delegate gives his report from GSO, it is also 3 days of speakers and fellowship. I wasn't certain I was going to make it, didn't know until Friday night if I had the day off or not, so my expectations were not very high. I enjoy the reunion because it gives my a chance to visit with people from around the state who I only see once or twice a year. The beauty of doing service work is I was allow to meet some really wonderful people in AA from other cities and towns, I cherish the times I get to visit with them for a few minutes. I hardly ever get to see my sponsor anymore, last Saturday I was able to visit with him for a few minutes and be reminded of why I truly admire this man and his outlook on recovery. He is a man of few words but when he speaks he cuts the fat off hog and gets to the point, in a very leveled headed and pragmatic way. A couple of months ago he went to South Dakota to attend a conference on Native Americans and AA, he said the problem is plain and simple, we are prejudice. AA's are just as guilty of pushing our way of doing meetings on Natives as all white people have been about pushing the white way on Natives, in other words, AA is doing the same missionary and cultural change bullshit as everyone else.

My favorite quote from the speakers comes from a dear friend of mine who said "treatment centers are the appetizer, the program of recovery outlined in the Big Book and meetings are the main course."

Today the local Al-Anon's had a hot dog and ice cream social to celebrate 70 years of Al-Anon. It was nice to visit with people, some I haven't seen in a while. One was a lady I have been milling over trying to see if she wanted to spend some time with me, we talked and she told me to call her sometime and we would go do something. A friend of mine was the AA/NA speaker, on the outside she comes across as a tough nut but she broke down in tears a couple of times talking about her neglect of her daughters who she loves dearly, it was powerful and I could so relate. AA's tend to make jokes about Al-Anon, one of the speakers did this last Saturday, and I don't appreciate it. I have a lot of respect for anyone who has lived with a sick person and become sick themselves, granted part of their make up is co-dependency and people pleasing, just as we are obsessed with alcohol, these women and men have had to change their way of life just as much as we have. I think it is great when people start taking care of themselves, focusing on their own suffering and take action to become better humans, even if it doesn't always make other people happy. Emotional recovery is emotional recovery and I applaud anyone who is on this path. It is the Al-Anon's who have taught the AA/NA's about enabling and people pleasing, how we are just as guilty of kissing ass in a relationship at the expense of our own emotional well being in order to not rock the boat.

I am really starting to appreciate how getting fired from my last job was a good thing with positive outcomes. Mich could have survived the breakup with the boyfriend without me being only a couple of miles a way but it has brought us back together as a family. Carter is now a Papa's boy, the other day I walked into the house and Angel came running up to me as usual and Carter was right behind her crawling as fast as he could. Little toad is in the stage of messing with everything, I have finally surrendered keeping my CD's in alphabetical order because he just pulls them out again, we try and catch him before he goes for them but he moves very fast and you can't watch him 100% of the time. He understands the word "no" and is good about stopping what he is doing when you tell him "no" but like all toddlers he is persistent to play with things he isn't suppose to. Angel has just been potty trained and makes a point of announcing when she has used the potty. She has also proclaimed herself as my little helper, she helps me fill the bird feeders, tries to help me in the garden and grabs my tools and fixes things. If I was still living in North Platte working at the old job I would be missing out on these wonderful things and having Mich hang around the house because she enjoys the company of her old man, that and he has internet service and she doesn't.

I also realize I was neglecting my recovery some in North Platte. I wasn't into fellowship there and never found a home group. My job was 8-10 hours a day of working with mental illness and by the end of the day, I just wanted to spend some time alone. Spiritual practices keep me from picking up the first drink and also reasonably serene. Coming back here has brought the fellowship of other travels back into my life, the joy, laughter and heartache we share together. I am back to be committed to my Sunday morning home group, a place I belong with people who know me inside and out.

Doing manual labor again has also been good for me. At first it was the humbling experience of not being in management. Then it was the joy of realizing I don't have to worry about anyone but me, no emails to reply to, no one on one talks with employees about their performance, no issues with my honest appraisal of things being taken the wrong way; certain aspects of honesty are not appreciated by people who don't work the steps or live a spiritual life, duh. The heavy lifting has gotten easier, I surprise myself in being able lift, spin and lift again 45 pound parts for hours at a night. I am still looking for work in inventory control or basic purchasing but for now, I am alright with what I am doing.

Other than my garden doing really good in the pots, not much else, well there is but I won't bore you with it. I am grateful as always to be sober and enjoying life, for the people in my life and the experiences I have, experiences which allow for change and more awareness.

Hope all in enjoying the summer!!

Peace Love Light