Saturday, December 31, 2011

The Road goes on forever and the Highway never ends!

Hey all. The chorus line from Robert Earl Keen's song struck me as a good title for a post. The road of life just keeps on going even on the dawn of a new year. The new year will bring with it new changes, new growth and new stubbed toes but it will keep on going, my part is to stay on the road, calm the mind and enjoy the scenery even if it gets desolate in places.

"If you want to make God laugh, tell It your plans", "you can plan the plan but don't plan the outcome", "my serenity is directly proportional to my expectations". So some of the things I wish to accomplish this year include buying a camper, getting on day shift either with this company or a new one, spending more weekends camping than I got to last year, taking a vacation east of the Mississippi, tilling up the ground on the west side of my trailer and seeing if I can get vegetables to grow. I hope these things materialize but if they don't my inter-peace will not be effected.

As long as I do the footwork to stay sober and clean I will continue spending quality time with my daughter, grand kids, family and friends. I will continue to my spiritual journey, with willingness I will gain more awareness, I will work on character defects and how they create blocks on the path of loving kindness and compassion. With willingness I will continue to work on selfishness and self centeredness, chipping away at the stone of ego and the big Me which is an illusion anyway. With willingness and a sober mind, I will continue to grasp a little more about non-self and the impermanence of everything.

Tonight there is a potluck and speaker meeting here, my friend Irish Brian is going to tell his story, Brian is a young Irish guy who immigrate to Nebraska to be with his girlfriend, I have heard bits and pieces of his story, it will be good to hear more of it. After this some of the Happy Campers and me are headed 45 miles east to a recovery dance, it is a good time to visit with people I only see a couple of times a year if that, this is the town I went to treatment in so maybe I will run into someone from treatment which would be a joy and blessing. We will finish the night out with a meal, watching all those who remind us of ourselves when we got drunk and went to a restaurant.

I think back on all the new years eves I spent holed up in my house, alone with my best friend the bottle. I was isolated and utterly miserable in my loneliness, the only thing I had to make me feel good was the booze. The booze brought on the delusion I didn't need anyone or was unworthy of love, it told me I was too ugly and weird to be a part of other peoples lives. I look back on that person now and see he was just like Gollum in Lord of the Rings. Gollum was obsessed with his Precious, the ring, I was obsessed with my Precious the bottle. Gollum's obsession lead to his death in fires of Mordor. My obsession lead me to a cold concrete floor with a steel door. Just for today I have a reprieve from my Precious. I live in a beauty shire, filled with love and laughter.

Well campers it is almost time to put the topping on the cheese cake, change into some nicer cloths, never know when I might catch some pretty woman's eye:-)

I hope all of us are able to accept the highway of life as it happens this year, that we find shelter in the storm and understand nothing is permanent, take the good with the bad, always have a song in our heart to sing and dance naked just because we can and it feels good.

Peace Love Light

Saturday, December 17, 2011

Mouse traps and other things

Hi all and hope you are doing well with the Christmas season.
First off I bought some live mouse traps. Living in a mobile home I live the typical mouse problem, little buggers find it much easier to get into a mobile home than a regular house. I really don't like killing things anymore, part of it is Buddhism, part of it is respect for all living things and how they have a right to live just as much as I do or my dog. Now I don't mind killing for food if ned be and can do it in case of emergency, say the world as we know it comes to an end, I haven't hunted or fished in years. Now my furry little friends haven't started gnawing on food as far as I can tell, haven't got to the bread or dried goods but they leave their droppings everywhere, kitchen counter, in cupboards, on floor etc. I really didn't want to kill them with snap or glue traps, so I went to a farm supply store to see if there was such a thing as a live mouse trap and yup there is. The trap is a metal box with 2 one way doors on it, you put peanut butter, best mouse bait, in the box, they go for the bait and can't get back out. They are working really well, I catch and then take them to work with me, the plant I work in is on the edge of town with fields on both sides, I release the mice there. They can either find there way into the plant, which doesn't put out poison, hopeless cause in a big plant or they can take their chances with the hawks and owls, hey the hawks and owls need food too. The first couple I caught drove the dog nuts, she kept waiting for them to get out, not sure if she wanted to kill them or just mess with them. It feels good to find a peaceful solution to this problem.
Paula posted a poem about hearing a bird sing in winter. Another change which has happened to me via spirituality is my tending of the birds. When my dad retired he started keeping bird feeders around and watching birds, I never saw what the big deal was all about. I couple of years ago I bought my first feeder and now I make sure it stays full. During the summer I was visited by starlings, doves, black birds and the odd blue jay. Now all that are left are the starlings, I suppose there are at least 20 of them hanging around my house. It may seem weird but I can sense their joy in having food to eat, beside the seed I also crumble up bread for them when it starts to get too dry for my taste, which is usually about 4 slices out of a loaf and the heels. I now understand my dad's simple pleasure in seeing them every day, I call them my little friends. Another interesting thing is the starlings don't eat the sunflower seeds or cracked corn, they scratch it out on to the ground, the squirrels come and eat the corn and sunflower seeds, plus the squirrels found a way to get into the food tote, well they did until I secured the lid.
I told someone my getting sober and changing my way of living was an accident, it was and it wasn't. I didn't want to get sober and live a life alcohol free when I went to treatment. I was in heavy denial about alcohol and my selfish nature being the root cause of all my problems. I was so sick I couldn't fathom a life with out my daily consumption of beer even though I had lived a life alcohol free for 9 years. On the other hand I was whipped, I was tired of being afraid all the time, I was tired of the disappointment and heartache I was causing those closest to me. When I entered treatment I was beat down enough to accept surrender and willing to change my life. It was this willingness which brought about the psychic change. I didn't accidental admit myself into the treatment center, I did it out of sheer emotional pain. I don't know if some form of God played a role in this, if it did it was the God of internal conscience telling me I couldn't go on living the way I was or if I did I was destine for worse things to happen. I do believe the force of love, kindness and hope found in the rooms of AA and NA kept me moving forward. I do believe that when people who share a common problem get together to find a common solution based on loving kindness and compassion there is a divine presence which helps all who are willing to do the foot work, reach out to others and share in the name of loving kindness and compassion. I have seen these types of groups work in the lives of others not just alcoholics and addicts. So I guess there are no real accidents, there are situations in life which happen which either cause us to look for solutions or to keep on living in sickness and self destruction.
Anyway those are just a couple of things which I have been on my mind. It is 12:30am and I need to get to bed, I wasn't tired when I started typing but now I am, guess I need to get this out to quiet a bit of the old brain.
Peace Love Light

Monday, December 12, 2011

Everything is good or normal

Hi all, thought I would try and write a post just to update you all on what is going on here. Angel is sitting on the couch beside me, watching Quest for Camelot. I had her and Carter yesterday, Mich picked up Carter at 10:00pm and Angel spent the night, which is what usually happens because she doesn't want to go home. The kids are doing well, Angel is in the stage of telling papa he is going to buy her every toy she sees advertise on t.v. or if the toy is a boys toy then I am going to buy it for Carter. Carter is doing really well, so far he hasn't had any congestion or infections, last year at this time he had a lot of respiratory and ear infections, hopefully his immune system is getting up to normal.

I have all the kids presents bought, bought a couple of joint presents because Carter tends to play with Angels stuff more than the things you buy for him. He will be 2 on January 3rd, I had to find a birthday present for him as well as Christmas presents, wanted something special for him since I get Angel something special for her birthday, finally found an elephant which shoots small balls out of it's trunk, it will help him with hand/eye coordination. I might get a poolside room at a local motel on the 2nd of Jan for his birthday, I have the day off, so thinking of having a pool party for his birthday.

Bought Mich a pretty necklace which has "You are my sunshine" engraved on it, I will wrap it and put Angel and Carter's name on it. She needs a good vacuum cleaner so that is my present to her. I also bought a new laptop and will give her my old one. She starts college classes in January so will need a computer for school work, my laptop blew a memory board last winter, so it is only running on 1 board makes it slow but will work good enough for her. I am glad she is finally starting classes, the longer she waits the harder it would be to start. It will be rough balancing a part time job and taking care of the kids but she sounds determined, also she has back with Carter's dad and he will help watch the kids.

I am having Christmas dinner at my house. Since Christmas is on a Sunday, I will go to my home group meeting at 11am like normal, then my mom, Mich and kids will come over around 1pm. Not sure whether I will bake a ham or do prime rib, depends on if I can find a small prime rib. I don't care much for turkey and neither does Mich. None of my siblings will be around this year and my niece and nephews will be at their dads house. Actually it will be nice to have just a small family gathering, in the past we have always went to a family members for Christmas.

I bought a Suburban. My Explorer isn't in the best of shape, has a weak cylinder, plus other odds and ends which need fixed. One of Mich's friends is going to buy it from me. I bought Suburban because it will pull a camper without any problems. I should be able to get a good older camper this spring, like I said before, storms and the tent are getting to be a pain in the butt. I am also planning to take a vacation east in late September or early October. I have never really been east of the Mississippi, accept to northern Florida. This years trip to Idaho got me thinking about going east for a week or so, just take off with the dog and go. Of course this is all tentative, but if I start focusing on it I can put the money aside for the trip.

Work is going alright. We had 1 operator quit, so it is just the guy who trained me and myself running the machines at night. They are starting to look for help since we really start getting busy after the first of the year. It would be nice to start training new people now when we don't have parts needing bent stacked up all over the place.

So this is the excitement in my life, enjoying the lack of drama but as we all know things can change over night.

Peace Love and Light