Pecking to be Pecking

“What I want to say is, we are all trying to get back home inside, back in touch with something which means something which is love and caring and that is what we have between us. It took me a long time to realize everything else is a bunch of well something else. Cause for a long time all I could remember to do was run away from myself and everyone who cared for me, you know." Stevie Ray Vaughan

Independence
We have to stay sober no matter how life treats us,
no matter whether nonalcoholics appreciate our sobriety or not.
We have to keep our sobriety independent of everything else,
not entangled with any people,
and not hedged in by any possible cop-outs or conditions.
- Living Sober, p. 64

I have been struggling with trying to change someone I can't, hoping a sick/irresponsible person will get responsible and grow up. I have allow her to effect my serenity. I tried doing some footwork to create change but she resisted the suggestions because she doesn't see how her actions are effecting her kids and me. She is just like her old man a few years back.

I wrote up a list of boundaries and expectations. I outlined what she needs to pay for living with me, when she has to be home so I don't miss my regular meetings and also things she needs to get done and to ask for help getting them done. I will also keep staying on top of this list, reminding her of things to make sure the important things don't get delayed whether she likes it or not.

Since I don't have any control over her all I can do is have my ducks in a row in case she messes up. I learned for the last episode, I know what has to be done if she gets in trouble again, I know exactly where to go to for legal assistance, what forms to be filled out and have authorized which will at least give me temporary guardianship of my grand babies. A good friend talked this over with me, he said all I can really do is sit back and see what happens. I pray also, I give my little ones love, support and guidance they need.

Deep inside I knew I couldn't force change, my concerned side was wanting to speed things up. When I sent a message to FB friends a couple of weeks ago it was written out of fear and the frustration the fear caused. With their mom staying out all night and not coming home until the afternoon I was fearful the little ones were not getting the love and attention they needed from their mom, Angel gets upset when mom isn't here, she is afraid mom won't come home again for a long time like before when she went to jail. I was frustrated/fearful because I have been spending a big part of my income on the kids and their mom, mom got things messed up again with HHS and benefits were dropped; no daycare, no insurance for the kids, no assistance with food. I was afraid mom's behavior would lead her back to jail or the hospital. I was frustrated that even though the little ones and I have a very strong and loving relationship, Papa shouldn't be the main one providing for their emotional needs.

Angel, 4 years old, has started calling me daddy on occasion. I think this may come from watching t.v. and seeing how most homes have a mommy and a daddy. She may be trying to make something non-traditional into something tradition according to what she is see in the world around her.

The money thing money has me a bit spooked. I try to be non-materialistic and not selfish, to not get wrapped up in what I am spending. The kids always have food which usually includes a weekly treat purchase, like fruit gummies, cantaloupe, peaches, etc. I have cut out bottled water, replaced it with 2 plastic jugs of water in the frig, we where going through a couple of cases a week. I started getting movies for Angel and me at the library, instead of Redbox. I also got out my old cigarette making devise to make my own smokes for around the house, I know I should stop all together but not in the right place to surrender. I have processed my needs and wants; been craving old David Bowie, Hunky Dory and Ziggy Stardust, both of which I had on vinyl, put both albums on the want list until things get better, using YouTube to get my fix. Having said all this I am grateful I have a home, can pay my bills, put gas in my truck and keep it insured. I am just going through a financial change do to my own actions; quiting my full time job to pursue a higher education, in time everything will become normal, the change is just stressful right now.

I have been working on my fears and frustrations with others. I share about them in general in meetings, talking about the importance of the steps and how they have helped me look at fear, what my part is and how I am not letting the fear become overwhelming, fear is present but not overwhelming. I have also use living in the moment quite a bit, doing what is in front of me and tackling a job at home which I have put off to keep me busy. It has taken a few 24 hours but I finally reached the point of surrender. I don't like drama and calamity and in true alcoholic fashion was looking for a quick fix not via booze or drugs but through other people and meetings. I acknowledge I was given another opportunity for growth. Through this challenge I was able to come home again, to get out of self, to see how I got into self, to stop worrying about the little ones and just give them what they need without the fear of what their mother is doing.

I have been working on this post for about a week, I am watching kids on the days mom works and even when she doesn't they are by my side, which is wonderful most of the time. Mom did give me part of her paycheck, which went to pay for an increased phone/Internet bill. Mom dropped the BF in South Carolina so I don't have to worry about her taking the kids out of state to live with a guy she hasn't seen in 5 years, who doesn't have a full time job, I had a feeling this would happen but still had things laid out to try and keep kids from moving just in case, she could go if she wanted, see how things worked out then in 6 months if all was good come get kids. She has a new BF, another loser in my opinion but it is her life. I talked to about this with a couple of old timers, who said they think she picks up guys in need of mothering so she doesn't have to look at herself and her own short comings. Once again the apple didn't fall too far from the tree.

 My work schedule has changed, the other person who works the evening shift needs Friday evenings free; she is taking an internship on Fridays and cannot commit to being at work by 3pm. I will be working Monday, Wednesday, Friday, have Saturdays off and we will alternate Sundays. This change in schedule helps out both her income and mine, instead of only working 2 days a week every other week, we both get 3 days regularly plus an added day every other week. I really enjoy working the hotel, talking to guest, making sure they enjoy their stay, selling the hotel to guest so we get good marks and return customers, playing the sly businessman who says "well how about I take $5.00 off the room rate," we get the sale and the guest is happy. With the exception of Friday nights, I will have some dead time to study; once I get towels folded, spot clean main areas, I walk around the hotel a few times a night to make sure everything looks good. The computer program came easy to me, doesn't take me much time to navigate it or find billing errors. The phone system can still kick my ass at times, mainly when I have 2 calls at once and have to interrupt one call to take another, I have to get over feeling like I am being rude to one customer in order to take a call from another.

All in all everything is going well or as it should be. I know things always work out if I put a little faith in Divine Providence. When I do this gig called life, one day at a time, I reap the benefits of the steps, I stay on the Middle Path. I need shaken up from time to time, it keeps me from getting complacent, teaches me new things, keeps me teachable, makes damn sure I use the spiritual tool kit and connect with others instead of trying to fly solo which is what I did in the past.

I am speaking out of town on Saturday, old friend of mine from here asked me to speak at her home group picnic in a town about 150 miles away. I have 3 buddies going with me for the road trip, old time AA at it's finest. I have pondered for a month what I was going to talk about. I now know I will talk about how a chronic drunk has found sobriety and has faced a lot of challenges in the 5-1/2 years he has been sober and stayed sober. I will share about overcoming the stigma of being a non-Christian in meetings which are dominated by Christians who sometimes forget what the BB and traditions say. I will talk about the deaths, the lost of jobs, the changes I done intentionally and those I had no control over. I will talk about the Solution, how it applies to my alcoholism and life in general. I will most definately praise how the obcession to drink has been lifted, now it is still mind boggling how this has happened, especially during challenging times.

Thanks for reading this long babble. Hope all of you are doing well with what life is giving you. Hope you are coming home to the you inside.

Peace Love Light

p.s. I re-enrolled in the VA for health care, last week I went of my check up. In 2009, last time I had a check with them, I had high blood pressure, 3 years later my blood pressure is good. I credit this to learning to live in the now and keep the stress in perspective. I still smoke a pack a day, have cut my coffee intake down to 1 pot a day, don't really exercise, still use salt because my taste buds are shot due to smoking. The only thing which has really changed is drinking more water and really learning to live life on life's terms. Not saying I need to continue the bad habits, I turn 50 next year and really have to make some health changes, my sponsor tells me to just keep praying for the willingness. I trust her, she has been smoke free for over 15 years.

Outside the Comfort Zone

Hello anxiety my old friend you’ve come to talk to me again and sending shadows through my mind of things that aren’t real, illusions from a fear (thanks Paul Simon). I have a clearance that allows me to be involved with AA meetings at the county jail. I have only been to 1 meeting since I was cleared in November 2008 mainly due to the fact that the jail meeting conflicted with the mental health hospital meeting that I was supporting. About 2 months ago there was a fallout between the guy who had been conducting meetings at the jail for the last 5 years or so and the inmates; it seems they wanted more NA meetings and less AA meetings or none at all, a majority of the inmates are locked up for meth related offenses. Background, NA has meetings the first 2 Thursday’s of every month and AA has the rest of the Thursday’s so on occasion there are 3 AA meetings due to the month having 5 Thursday’s in it. The guy who was conducting the meetings didn’t contact anyone in upper service work to explain the situation or ask for help, he just stopped showing up. A close friend of mine in recovery is doing 35 days for getting caught bending the rules, he is has work release so he can call me, he really wanted an AA meeting so he asked if I could help and I said I would. I contacted another member who has clearance and he said he would try to help but wasn’t sure since he is still on probation for a domestic violence charge, just cause we get sober doesn’t mean we still don’t have troubles due to character defects that are left unaddressed. The jail is one of those places that brings up anxiety, I have spent a bit of time in jail so the odor of the disinfectant has an almost haunting effect on me even though bring in jail was a dull and boring event but still a bit stressful due to lack of freedom and living conditions. Another thing that brings anxiety is that I was a notorious bad check writer in my drinking days and even though it has been over 2-1/2 years since I have drank there is this paranoia that even after the background check an outstanding warrant will surface. And lastly in the anxiety column is the inmates themselves, I am not a very big person, not muscular and pretty non-violent, so some of the inmates can be a bit intimidating. Some inmates are very angry people and their anger can flare up when talking in a group setting, basically they are venting, very rarely do they cause trouble but my fear is they will and since no guards attend the meetings and we are locked in the cafeteria my mind drifts to the worst possible scenario. So this is where I was at off and on yesterday.

The other guy showed up at the jail and had no problems getting permission to enter. He had conducted meetings in jail before and chaired the meeting. Most of the inmates shared about themselves and what they where going through without getting obnoxious. Most of them thanked us for being there. A couple of the jail staff members thanked us and mentioned the absence of AA meetings and told us to please come back. So once again my anxiety was for nothing, the illusions that messed with me off and on yesterday proved to be just that illusions. Once again a lesson learn, maybe next time I face something challenging the anxiety will only be half as much.

This is not the first time I have stepped outside my comfort zone in recovery. I am by nature rather quiet and reserved, not one who stands around and talks a lot, when I do talk I do so with minimal BS and speak from my heart. I have been on panels and chaired panels at the nursing college, a family advocacy group, probation officers board meeting, I have chair meetings where the majority of people in attendance where from a drug and alcohol awareness class. I just recently spent 2 days with another guy at the state family physicians conference in an AA booth talking to doctors about alcoholism and AA’s role in recovery. I also gave a talk on working with professionals at a state AA workshop, some of those in attendance I admire greatly for their commitment to service worker and their speaking abilities. I have been blessed and gifted with the ability to speak articulately and to share my insight in a way that others can comprehend, not in long drawn out rambles but with shorter to the point statements and metaphors. I enjoy doing service work, I was told early on never to turn down an AA request unless absolutely necessary and also by doing so I am freely given back what was freely given back to me, this is also a blessing and has nothing to do with me other than service work is about learning to be humble and selfless. I have learned that if I share from the heart then the right words will come, if I try and be funny I will fail, I try and sound profane I will fail, I try and show off I will fail, by fail I mean sound phony and ex-drunks can pick up on that really fast. It gets easier every time I step out side the comfort zone, not that I am not nervous but experience has taught me to just flow with it, know that I will be alright and that what will be will be, just as it was proven yesterday.

It was reminded to me again today in a book I am reading by Kevin Griffin, it is about progress and not perfection, we are not saints. Stepping outside the comfort zone is about letting go of self, it is an exercise in non-self, it is about putting the Four Noble truths and the Eightfold Path into practice to the best of my ability. It is about trusting my Higher Power, the Dharma, and faith in the teachings I have received so far on this journey. It is about all the little prayers and short mediations I do during the day when faced with discomfort and need to re-harness the inner peace. Some times awareness needs a helping hand from illusion to open my mind, this is alright though, this is how I learn sometimes, a bit of discomfort leads to using a different tool, once in a while we need to round the head off the bolt with the vise grips to realize we just need to get the correct size wrench to fit the job.

Namaste

Selfish fear and confusion

I am scared and a bit confused. The fear comes from that old feeling of low self esteem. Here lately I have been assisting quite a few people in recovery and a couple who aren’t. I only sponsor a few of those who have sought me out which is fine, I don’t sponsor people to attain notches on my recovery coin. The AA responsibility statement which reads “I am responsible. . . When anyone, anywhere, reaches out for help. I want the hand of AA always to be there. And for that: I am Responsible.” is something ingrained in my recovery psyche, so when someone asks to talk to me, I don’t hesitate, nor do I judge their character good or bad. The fear comes in the selfish question of “why me and do I really have something to offer them, I’m just a drunk who hasn’t had a drink today nor have I had a drink in the past few yesterdays”. I do my best to stay humble, I don’t give out any suggestions I haven’t done myself or I make sure I let people know that I am expressing my opinion/feelings, if I can’t help I give the name of a person who can. I share my experience, strength and hope to the best of my ability which is all that I can do. All this sounds rather uncomplicated in writing but then comes the fear of making sure I stay humble. I have a hard time accepting the gifts I have, not material but intellectual, and by intellectual I don’t mean the brainiac know it all form of intelligence, I mean an intelligent understanding of things spiritual and emotional. Extended suffering comes from not recognizing or changing the selfish nature on the emotion that is causing us pain; how can low self esteem be selfish? In this circumstance the selfish is not accepting who I am, that it isn’t about “me”, it is about what the Ancestors have given me and what I am suppose to pass along to those who feel I have something to offer them. It would be selfish if didn’t help another, if I didn’t write my thoughts out or send messages of support to those I care about, it would be selfish if I thought “no one wants to hear what I have to share” because obviously they do or they wouldn’t ask me or thank me for the feedback, same goes with those who have asked someone else for help and they have been pointed in my direction because the person they asked know I could help them better. When I doubt myself then I doubt the way of the universe, if I go against stream then I struggle and if I struggle I lose serenity. I took a few days off from a daily AA meeting because since it is the 2nd month the topic of discussion tends to turn to the 2nd step “ Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity”. I am the odd person out when it comes to Higher Powers, mine is still pretty much about a Divine Creator and less about God in the conventional since. My selfish ego was having a battle about the difference between going to the meeting to share about the step and the Higher Power the way I understand them and going to the meeting to be an outspoken contrast to those who speak strongly about the Judeo-Christian concept of God. After mediating about this for a few days, I came to the awareness that I am responsible for making sure the newcomers and others understand the implications of spirituality from a broader perspective and also as long as I was speaking from the heart, from my experience, strength and hope and not speaking to any individuals then I was acting humbly. I am gradually learning that I can be a teacher and stay humble at the same time it just takes being aware of my motives, when the ME or I pop up I need to stick the pin of humility in to my inflated ego. I am grateful that I can be of service to alcoholics and non-alcoholics alike, that I have been given some gifts that can be used for compassion and maybe the betterment of others. I also have to understand that I am not responsible for how others act or don’t act, I cant’ control others suffering, drinking or using, the choice is theirs just the same as it is mine.

Fear, used car, wooden ladder, speaking at a meeting

I am reading Tara Brach’s, “Radical Acceptance -- Embracing Your Life With the Heart of a Buddha”, which is an awesome book, today at lunch the chapter I was reading was about “fear”. I read a couple of sections and then reflected on what I read and what is going down in my life.
The used car; I am having some conflict with Michelle (daughter) over buying a car, she is currently using my car to get a around in. She doesn’t have the money to buy a car but I told her I would help her out and find an inexpensive car for her. She has also been looking around and she found a mid 90’s Grand Am that has a broken timing belt for $500.00, she has always loved Grand Am’s and that has been the model of car she has set her sites on getting. I have to tried to tell her in a nice way that this isn’t a good deal because without a timing belt you can’t really tell if anything else is wrong with the car. Saturday she showed up at my house and started talking about the car again and how a couple of friends told her the car was a good buy; being only 17 she trusted what the salesman is telling her also. I told her no I wouldn’t buy the Grand Am for her and that I was going to buy my sisters Taurus for her for the same price; I know the Taurus is in good mechanical shape. Mich got pissed and told me no on the Taurus and she would buy the Pontiac on her own. So now the problem is I really need to set down and talk with her about all of this. The fear factor is in making her upset, my drinking took it’s toll on her and deep down inside is still the fear of losing her love, that sick story within that says I don’t deserve her love since I was a lousy parent during my heavy drinking days, which is partial true and partial false but the fear is sometimes more powerful than the reality. I know I need to face my fear about her, know that yes she will probably still be angry at me, yes she probably won’t comprehend what I have to say since her mind is made up but I know it is all temporary. We have been down this road different times in the past when I have had to make decisions which she didn’t like but in the end she accepts things. The fear involving Mich is the most powerful type of fear, I tease people who are afraid of animals, yet I myself become immobile when it comes to confronting my daughter over something we have a big disagreement on.
The ladder; I borrowed an 8ft wooden ladder from a friend so I could repair and seal the roof of my mobile home Saturday. I was able to climb up the ladder and on to the roof but when I tried to step on to the ladder to come down and get some supplies I couldn’t do it. The old wooden ladder was wobbly and I am not comfortable with heights nor my balance on ladders so I was stuck. Thankfully I had my cell phone and smokes with me, I called a friend who wasn’t doing anything and he came over and brought a fiberglass ladder which was totally stable and I had no problem climbing up and down it. While I waited for my friend to show up I smoked and thought about my fear and dealing with it. I thought I would be able to over come it this time, I tried mediating to overcome the fear but still every time I reached my leg out and touched the next to the last rung on the ladder I started to shake uncontrollably so I just had to accept that it wasn’t safe for me to try and force myself to climb down the ladder. Nice thing was I wasn’t ashamed about my situation or my fear it is what it is, some people can monkey around on shaky ladders all day long, I can’t, some people freak out over bugs, spiders, snakes and such and I have no problems handling any of them, o.k. never had to handle a poisonous snake but it wouldn’t freak me out to do so. So here was a fear that I dealt with in an appropriate manner.
The meeting; yesterday I went to my regular Sunday morning meeting at the hospital, the usual people where there. Topic was on basically using spirituality to over come fears and live in the moment to the best of our ability. About mid way through the meeting, my head started getting fuzzy from too much coffee and my thoughts were all mucked up. I honestly try and share from the heart at meetings but I had too much Tara Brach running through my mind, along with the caffeine and nicotine, since I was reading her for around an hour prior to going to the meeting. I was trying to focus my mind on being humble and not preachy, but it was still pretty fuzzy when it came my turn to share. I very much wanted to pass with just saying I was grateful to be there alive and sober, but since I always share something I told myself I had to share. So pride in hand I proceeded to share with half a heart and mind and from my ears what I heard sucked!!! Here I was afraid of what others would think about me if I didn’t share, afraid that people would think I was going through some emotional funk for not sharing, pride was telling I needed to say something profound, to impress people, to share the Dharma in a non-direct way. Once again I brought suffering upon myself for selfish reasons, I disrupted my inter peace due to my perceptions/expectations of other peoples minds which were hidden from me. But l learned I hope, it has been a while since I have done this and the last time I did I felt like shit then also, maybe this is just something I need to do every so often to remind me to stay humble, to go with my inter spirit.

Fear so many faces, the good fear keeps me safe and ask for help. The bad fear plays havoc with my insides. It can also be a thief like when I don’t ask someone who appears interested in my out for coffee because I am afraid of rejection. It is a creator, it creates opportunities for me to work on procrastination when I am afraid in financial situations to ask for help but have no alternative to and realizing the sooner I ask for help the better. Fear the teacher, fear has taught me a lot and still does so if I am aware. I am stepping deeper into mediation which is improving my awareness. I hate tiny steps but that is what I have to take right now, the tiny steps are good but the little Veruca Salt inside my head sometimes screams out “I Want it NOW”. Oh well such is life, I woke up this morning I smile at the day, gave thanks for being alive and sober, focused on compassion and the Eight Fold Path, even though I may stubble a little here and there I feel that by starting the day with those things in mind I am able to recognize emotions, act and re-act in a much better way than I have ever done in the past.

Leaf on a Stream, going with the Flow

I have been going through a lot of changes lately. Having my daughter back in my life after her living in group homes for the last 10 months and now her living on her own but close by has provided me with an opportunity to practice letting go. I have had to ease off on making sure she is making her appointments and taking care of business, if she is going to live in the real world she needs to learn how to handle real world situations. I haven’t thrown her out in the cold but I have given her the opportunity to make her own mistakes and learn from them. She has the assistance of the HHS independent living program for now to get her use to living on a budget and other living skills and hopefully when she is done with the program she will be equipped to live on her own and take care of Angel.
Angel is still a bright spot in my life, I am so grateful that I am sober and can be a part of her life. She continues to be a very content baby unless hungry or wet. She takes in the world around her, looking at things, she smiles at calm friendly voices. She has started trying to talk, her mouth moves like crazy, cooing and making grunting sounds, she has also started laughing out loud. Last night was a real joy I was singing Beatle songs to her and she was doing her best to sing back to me. The bonding is a special and beautiful happening.
My dad will be moved into an assisted living unit at the Veteran’s home in the near future. It has been sad watching this once proud and strong man wither away to nothing and losing his ability to comprehend things in the process. The blessing is he doesn’t have Alzheimer’s just dementia, some times he is with it other times he doesn’t have a clue or his mind goes back 20 or 30 years. A couple of weeks ago he woke up in the middle of the night and started messing with the outlets because he was dreaming he was troubleshooting an electrical problem the next day he asked me if I would check to make sure the circuit was right, I had mom remove any extension cords from the room in fear that he might accidentally shock himself in one of his delusions. Having to pay closer attention to my dad and struggling with him when he gets the bouts of delusion is taking its toll on my mom who has always suffered with anxiety and thus she goes through periods of confusion and anger. So the time has come to have him place in the care of others. I am grateful I have been able to be a calming voice and able to take them to appointments when need be.
All this and more have been going on but the one thing I have noticed is how I am dealing with things and also other changes in my behavior. I don’t get very upset or excited much anymore. Each morning I do a short mediation and prayer, the mediation consist of maybe 30-45 seconds of relaxed breathing followed by a prayer of thanks for waking up (because of my drinking past I should be dead) then a prayer that Thich Nhat Hanh wrote which says “I smile at the world, a new 24 hours to practice compassion” followed by asking for guidance in applying the Eightfold path to the best of my ability and the removal of the bondage of self. By doing this every morning I am amazed at how often when I start to get excited, anxious or angry my mind brings up living in the moment, pause, breath deeply in and out, focus or refocus, I am able to relax if I do these things, I also identify the emotion and if it goes against the precepts or path I correct the action or make a mental note not to repeat the action, I am slowly becoming aware. This doesn’t happen all the time and I get impatient with myself for not being better at countering my suffering but at least I am doing what I can do. In reality I am extremely happy with the little progress I have made. The negative energy at work is affecting me less and I am letting up on mentally slandering certain co-workers but trying to understand them with compassion and not contempt. I am going some minor public speaking and even though I have been very nervous it hasn’t shown very much. My use of profanity is also getting better, “right speech”. So much has change since I started down the path of the Dharma, it would be long list if I listed everything but the main thing is I am aware and I am aware that some of the things I use to do just don’t set right with me anymore, I have also gained strength by giving calm response in confrontational situations, well most of the time anyway. I stay out of the future a lot better and don’t project so much on conversations I may have or events that haven’t taken place, I still to the footwork by planning out what I can, or doing what needs to be done, but I don’t worry as much as I use to. I am still undisciplined but that is getting better, I have started sitting mediation at night, now I just need to work on getting up earlier and doing the same, I still put off some unpleasant things but bit by bit I am getting better at doing them too. I have found some teachers in Nebraska and now need to contact them; I need to mediate once again to overcome my fear about being a raw newcomer to the Buddha. The of what they will say to me, even though I know they will act with compassion the “old self” still dwells deep inside and is very insecure.
I am gratefully for the disease caused me to crash and find a new way of living one beyond the 12 steps and the rooms that I need as well. I am starting to see a balance between recovery and this spiritual path.
Thanks to all the teachers who have helped me.
Namaste
Scott