Pecking to be Pecking

“What I want to say is, we are all trying to get back home inside, back in touch with something which means something which is love and caring and that is what we have between us. It took me a long time to realize everything else is a bunch of well something else. Cause for a long time all I could remember to do was run away from myself and everyone who cared for me, you know." Stevie Ray Vaughan

Independence
We have to stay sober no matter how life treats us,
no matter whether nonalcoholics appreciate our sobriety or not.
We have to keep our sobriety independent of everything else,
not entangled with any people,
and not hedged in by any possible cop-outs or conditions.
- Living Sober, p. 64

I have been struggling with trying to change someone I can't, hoping a sick/irresponsible person will get responsible and grow up. I have allow her to effect my serenity. I tried doing some footwork to create change but she resisted the suggestions because she doesn't see how her actions are effecting her kids and me. She is just like her old man a few years back.

I wrote up a list of boundaries and expectations. I outlined what she needs to pay for living with me, when she has to be home so I don't miss my regular meetings and also things she needs to get done and to ask for help getting them done. I will also keep staying on top of this list, reminding her of things to make sure the important things don't get delayed whether she likes it or not.

Since I don't have any control over her all I can do is have my ducks in a row in case she messes up. I learned for the last episode, I know what has to be done if she gets in trouble again, I know exactly where to go to for legal assistance, what forms to be filled out and have authorized which will at least give me temporary guardianship of my grand babies. A good friend talked this over with me, he said all I can really do is sit back and see what happens. I pray also, I give my little ones love, support and guidance they need.

Deep inside I knew I couldn't force change, my concerned side was wanting to speed things up. When I sent a message to FB friends a couple of weeks ago it was written out of fear and the frustration the fear caused. With their mom staying out all night and not coming home until the afternoon I was fearful the little ones were not getting the love and attention they needed from their mom, Angel gets upset when mom isn't here, she is afraid mom won't come home again for a long time like before when she went to jail. I was frustrated/fearful because I have been spending a big part of my income on the kids and their mom, mom got things messed up again with HHS and benefits were dropped; no daycare, no insurance for the kids, no assistance with food. I was afraid mom's behavior would lead her back to jail or the hospital. I was frustrated that even though the little ones and I have a very strong and loving relationship, Papa shouldn't be the main one providing for their emotional needs.

Angel, 4 years old, has started calling me daddy on occasion. I think this may come from watching t.v. and seeing how most homes have a mommy and a daddy. She may be trying to make something non-traditional into something tradition according to what she is see in the world around her.

The money thing money has me a bit spooked. I try to be non-materialistic and not selfish, to not get wrapped up in what I am spending. The kids always have food which usually includes a weekly treat purchase, like fruit gummies, cantaloupe, peaches, etc. I have cut out bottled water, replaced it with 2 plastic jugs of water in the frig, we where going through a couple of cases a week. I started getting movies for Angel and me at the library, instead of Redbox. I also got out my old cigarette making devise to make my own smokes for around the house, I know I should stop all together but not in the right place to surrender. I have processed my needs and wants; been craving old David Bowie, Hunky Dory and Ziggy Stardust, both of which I had on vinyl, put both albums on the want list until things get better, using YouTube to get my fix. Having said all this I am grateful I have a home, can pay my bills, put gas in my truck and keep it insured. I am just going through a financial change do to my own actions; quiting my full time job to pursue a higher education, in time everything will become normal, the change is just stressful right now.

I have been working on my fears and frustrations with others. I share about them in general in meetings, talking about the importance of the steps and how they have helped me look at fear, what my part is and how I am not letting the fear become overwhelming, fear is present but not overwhelming. I have also use living in the moment quite a bit, doing what is in front of me and tackling a job at home which I have put off to keep me busy. It has taken a few 24 hours but I finally reached the point of surrender. I don't like drama and calamity and in true alcoholic fashion was looking for a quick fix not via booze or drugs but through other people and meetings. I acknowledge I was given another opportunity for growth. Through this challenge I was able to come home again, to get out of self, to see how I got into self, to stop worrying about the little ones and just give them what they need without the fear of what their mother is doing.

I have been working on this post for about a week, I am watching kids on the days mom works and even when she doesn't they are by my side, which is wonderful most of the time. Mom did give me part of her paycheck, which went to pay for an increased phone/Internet bill. Mom dropped the BF in South Carolina so I don't have to worry about her taking the kids out of state to live with a guy she hasn't seen in 5 years, who doesn't have a full time job, I had a feeling this would happen but still had things laid out to try and keep kids from moving just in case, she could go if she wanted, see how things worked out then in 6 months if all was good come get kids. She has a new BF, another loser in my opinion but it is her life. I talked to about this with a couple of old timers, who said they think she picks up guys in need of mothering so she doesn't have to look at herself and her own short comings. Once again the apple didn't fall too far from the tree.

 My work schedule has changed, the other person who works the evening shift needs Friday evenings free; she is taking an internship on Fridays and cannot commit to being at work by 3pm. I will be working Monday, Wednesday, Friday, have Saturdays off and we will alternate Sundays. This change in schedule helps out both her income and mine, instead of only working 2 days a week every other week, we both get 3 days regularly plus an added day every other week. I really enjoy working the hotel, talking to guest, making sure they enjoy their stay, selling the hotel to guest so we get good marks and return customers, playing the sly businessman who says "well how about I take $5.00 off the room rate," we get the sale and the guest is happy. With the exception of Friday nights, I will have some dead time to study; once I get towels folded, spot clean main areas, I walk around the hotel a few times a night to make sure everything looks good. The computer program came easy to me, doesn't take me much time to navigate it or find billing errors. The phone system can still kick my ass at times, mainly when I have 2 calls at once and have to interrupt one call to take another, I have to get over feeling like I am being rude to one customer in order to take a call from another.

All in all everything is going well or as it should be. I know things always work out if I put a little faith in Divine Providence. When I do this gig called life, one day at a time, I reap the benefits of the steps, I stay on the Middle Path. I need shaken up from time to time, it keeps me from getting complacent, teaches me new things, keeps me teachable, makes damn sure I use the spiritual tool kit and connect with others instead of trying to fly solo which is what I did in the past.

I am speaking out of town on Saturday, old friend of mine from here asked me to speak at her home group picnic in a town about 150 miles away. I have 3 buddies going with me for the road trip, old time AA at it's finest. I have pondered for a month what I was going to talk about. I now know I will talk about how a chronic drunk has found sobriety and has faced a lot of challenges in the 5-1/2 years he has been sober and stayed sober. I will share about overcoming the stigma of being a non-Christian in meetings which are dominated by Christians who sometimes forget what the BB and traditions say. I will talk about the deaths, the lost of jobs, the changes I done intentionally and those I had no control over. I will talk about the Solution, how it applies to my alcoholism and life in general. I will most definately praise how the obcession to drink has been lifted, now it is still mind boggling how this has happened, especially during challenging times.

Thanks for reading this long babble. Hope all of you are doing well with what life is giving you. Hope you are coming home to the you inside.

Peace Love Light

p.s. I re-enrolled in the VA for health care, last week I went of my check up. In 2009, last time I had a check with them, I had high blood pressure, 3 years later my blood pressure is good. I credit this to learning to live in the now and keep the stress in perspective. I still smoke a pack a day, have cut my coffee intake down to 1 pot a day, don't really exercise, still use salt because my taste buds are shot due to smoking. The only thing which has really changed is drinking more water and really learning to live life on life's terms. Not saying I need to continue the bad habits, I turn 50 next year and really have to make some health changes, my sponsor tells me to just keep praying for the willingness. I trust her, she has been smoke free for over 15 years.

New toy, Fellowship & Solution

 This is the Wendy, so named after my friend who put her girliness aside and used the nasty outhouse at the Sober Float campground but expressed gratitude when someone allowed her to use the potty in his camper. Some of the places we camp are isolated with only outhouse's available, in searching for a camper one of the must was a working toilet, not just for Wendy but for everyone, yours truly included.

 If you look at the picture above and this one, you will notice a shower curtain. The bathroom has a hand held shower, so you can wrap the curtain around the bathroom and take shower to wash the dirty and grime off. I have never been in a small camper before and didn't know what the shower if any would be like. I can assure you this will come in hand.

 This is the couch and also Angle claimed it as her bed, it is wide enough for 1 person to sleep comfortabily enough on. The bit on the top folds down to make a bunk bed, if I still have the camper in years to come, Angel or Carter can sleep up there. Kitchen has a 3 burner stove/oven, double sink, there is a little fold up extension counter as well. I wasn't able to get the frig to work, I will have to check out circuit breakers and fuses. It may work off of propane but I need to replace the bottles first to check that out.

 Table folds down and cushions pull out to make a bed, big enough for 2 smaller people and just right for me. Table will come in handy for playing cards or just hanging out around/meetings, if the weather turns nasty, plus place to put food on for meals.

1980 camper, 19ft long, bought it for $1700.00. The AC works, I need to pull the awning out in the next few days to check it out, it has been too windy here to do it yet, the awning itself is worth $350.00. I bought this from a guy who was selling it for another guy as part of an estate settlement. The camper has been in a shed most of it's life, so the outside is in good condition for it's age. The propane tanks are old and need up dated, because of this I wasn't able to check out the furnace, hot water heater, stove or frig on gas. I am trusting they work because the camper was owned by an older couple and they took good care of it from what I can tell, plus I trust the farmer who sold it to me, yes blind trust. I was shocked to find an owners manual with it. I know enough about gas systems to clean and fix most problems I may have, thank you Dad. New tanks are only $20.00 and a connecting hose is $10.00. Tires will need replaced before we venue too far from home, remember I travel a lot in rural Nebraska where most of the towns are small and finding a place to fix a flat after 5:30pm is almost impossible, plus on some stretches it is 20 miles or more between towns, trailer tires are less expensive than car tires, so this isn't a big expense. I will also replace the curtains and rods, couple of the curtains were stained, tried to wash but that didn't work. Mich and J suggested new cushion covers since the current ones are a green pattern, older and less attractive pattern, not sure on this one, depends on cost, think the couch will just get a throw blanket on it. Used campers for less than $2000 are hard to come by, the ones I found on Craigslist were being snatched up within a couple of days of being posted. I wasn't able to find any close to home, I found this one in a town 125 miles away, closer to Lincoln, took off work Tuesday to check it out. Since I had the funds available I was rather obsessed with buying a camper now plus the closer to spring the hard to find and the more people would be wanting for them.

The 4 guys who traveled with me Saturday to pick it up are all part of our Happy Campers camping group. We had a good time visiting, talking recovery and thoughts on summer camping outings. J and I at least will start doing some scouting trips on Sundays to check out various camping areas, places that offer enough privacy for campfire meetings plus have things to do like swimming, hiking or canoe-ing, I found inflatable canoes on Amazon for a reasonable price so will get one about May. The nice thing about our group is not only do we enjoy fellowship we are also living in the solution via working the steps, regular meeting attendance and working with others. We have some new people who want to go camping with us this years which is great.

Awe yes living in the solution! I have been going over to my backup sponsors house on Tuesday afternoons. We are listening to the Joe and Charlie Big Book discussion, which basically is about taking the steps. I feel it is healthy for me to review steps and even take a new 4th and 5th steps. Working with C and listening to the tapes are giving me new perspectives on the Big Book, steps and recovery in general. My sponsor is a wonderful man and we went through the steps rather thoroughly, I have changed in recovery, the person I was when I was new is different than the one I am today. C and I have more in common in a lot of ways than my sponsor, so working the steps with her allows me to work through some of my challenges more closely with someone who has been there, my sponsor likes this idea, so I am not back dooring him. Yes C is a woman, mid 60's, she has gone through some of the same spiritual challenges I have, faced the same social challenges, a veteran, she has 35 years sobriety and experience to share with me and others.

One of the things we have been talking about is, fellowship verses solution. She feels sometimes there is too much emphasis placed on fellowship; dances, potluck speaker meetings, camp-outs and social events and not enough on working the steps. It is through working the steps that a spiritual awakening happens. I am a person who promotes social functions so I had to sit back and think about my prospectives on this. The group of people I hang out with attend social events but we also work the steps, use sponsors and are active in the groups we attend via helping the newcomer. I forget that others who promote social events don't always do this, so the newcomer gets the wrong message. What this brought home to me was, when I share about social events I also need to place equal emphasis on working the steps and the solution which is to find a God of ones own understanding via the steps which will remove the compulsion to drink on a daily bases.

Fellowship saved my ass the first time around, getting sober on a remote Air Force base in South Korea it was essential to be with others in recovery. The guys who helped me get sober showed me how to live without alcohol and how to basically work the steps. Later on I really didn't work the steps I just went to meetings, I went for more of a social club and not as a place for spiritual growth. In doing this I believe this created the breakdown which enable me to pick up the first drink. I have said it before I never really worked the 11th step and needed to do another 4th and 5th about my marriage. I never sat down and got totally honest with another or myself about what was going on in my marriage. I don't regret this, I am just acknowledging a flaw which lead up to picking up a drink. The desire for a drink came back, I was under pressure, I didn't have a strong enough relationship with my Higher Power, a relationship that would have stood between me and the first drink. My relapse experience has shown me how I need to continue spiritual growth.

I do a 10th step all day long and at night laying in my bed, I think about what I have done wrong and seek the awareness and strength of character not to repeat the same mistakes. I still make a load of mistakes but the awareness or God conscience grows stronger so I tend not to make them as bad, have mental reminders to keep my big mouth shut when I want to assinate someones character.

A few factors come into my wanting to rework the steps, go through the Big Book again with another person. One is the relationships I have had in recovery, mainly with T last summer and with my sister in recovery, C and I have talked a bit about both already. Another is because of the hours I work, I really don't have a good opportunity to work with others, working with others really keeps me out of my head, keeps me focused on the solution and in strong contact with people in recovery. The 1 or 2 meeting I attend each week are good but they are not enough. By seeing C each week I am getting a good dose of the medicine which helps keep me sober and sane. I need to hear what others have to say about my actions and thought, I need their input for personal reflection, reflection which allows change to happen.

So this is my current ramble. I need to take a shower, do a bit of things around the house prior to work. The new job opportunity which seem so promising fell through at the last moment, it hurt but I dusted my butt off, got back on the horse, started doing the footwork again to apply for a couple of job openings which I am qualified for. For now I am good with what I am doing, the money is good via the overtime. Nothing is permanent, some day I will have a different job, just not today.

Peace Love Light
Scott  

Perspective on relapses and alcoholism

I rent a room out to guy who is recovering from alcoholism and addiction, he had 10 months clean and sober, lived in the half way house for those months, was doing really well there. He took his recovery seriously, attended different meetings regularly, did service work, helped the new guys at the house, was never overly cocky about his sobriety, he was one of those newcomers you would say was standing on solid ground. The reason I asked him if he wanted to rent out 2 small rooms in my house cheap was that he was doing so well and he is rather quiet and respectful, which suits my quiet life style. About the time Adam was starting his transition out of the half way house and into my house the half way house announced it was permanently closing it doors due to lack of funds and paid staff, which was a blow to the guys living there because of the support the house gave them. Adam moved in to my house and was doing really good for a few weeks, going to work daily, making appointments (UA’s), going to meetings and hanging out with the guys from the house and others in recovery. Just over 3 weeks ago things started going bad for him, his great grandmother died, his dad who is a practicing alcoholic and addict got the hell beat out of him at a dive bar which lead to him having a fairly major stroke, bit by bit Adam started sinking into depression. I availed myself to him the best that I could, being there for him to talk to but never pressing him to talk, my thinking was that I wanted the house to be a safe and comfortable place for him to live in and not have to worry about answering to me, plus most people won’t open up unless they are ready to. Finally he checked himself into the local mental health hospital, I wasn’t home at the time and later he told me he had drank a 6 pack and a bottle of cheap wine which added to the depression. He was released on the 7th and spent the weekend with his family, seeing his dad in the hospital. He came back to the house Monday the 10th and we talked a bit and he seem alright and know he needed to get a new or second sponsor plus get back into going to meetings. Tuesday night I went to a meeting and got home around 8:30 at about 8:45 a police officer showed up at my door looking for Adam, one of his friends had called the police department stating that Adam sounded depressed and they were afraid he was suicidal, I told the officer that as far as I knew he was at an NA meeting, I gave her the location of the meeting and also the name a guy who would be in attendances, I would later make amends for having a police officer show up at an NA meeting they tend to get a bit more weireded out about cops than alkies do. My friend from the meeting called back asking where Adam was because he wasn’t at the meeting, so I check his room and sure enough he was on his bed sound asleep, I told my friend to send the officer back over and I proceed to wake Adam up and told him the officer was on the way over. He was way out of it, sounded like he was dosed good on anti-depressants, the officer talked to Adam and after about 15 minutes waiting to see if his behavior improved with time the EMT’s were called to check him out in case of accidental overdose. When the EMT’s arrived and after talking to Adam a bit he admitted that he had mixed vodka with his med’s, ¾ of a 1.75 liter bottle. Adam was taken to the emergency room and later he voluntarily readmitted himself into the mental health hospital. When I talked to him last Thursday he admits that not going to meetings was a big part of the problem, he was overwhelmed, scared and felt he couldn’t honestly talk about his fears.
Since I started working on this post 2 other people I know rather well have relapsed. One is a woman who has been in and out of recovery for quite a number of years. She does well for awhile then for what ever reason she picks up again. She was in pretty bad shape this time, luck would have it she asked for help and is detoxing at her sponsors house. The other is a 17 year old kid; he drank Saturday night, got messed up, felt like shit and was at a meeting Sunday morning. He mentally felt bad you could tell in the way he talked. I think the sad part for him is realizing he can’t enjoy drinking anymore, as much as he wanted to have a good time like his friends he just felt low and knew he was losing control.
Alcoholism and drug addiction suck!!!! We as alcoholics just want to have a couple of beers, speaking for myself, just to relax, lighten the stress of the day a bit, and enjoy some social merriment with friends. We can’t do this ever again once we cross the line from casual drinker to alcoholic, if a person ever was a casual drinker, I never was. The heavy drinker may drink daily but if something bad happens they can quit drinking without any trouble. The alcoholic is caught up in an obsession with alcohol and has no or very limited control over how much they drink once they get started. I was of the limited control type, I would drink until midnight or 1:00am by which time I was sleepy enough to crash hard, very rarely did I pass out but then again I was a beer drinker. What I have in common with every alcoholic is that once I start drinking I crave more, it doesn’t matter how much money I have, I wrote bad checks and stole for more, it didn’t matter if I was in trouble with the law, no drivers license, no insurance, on probation, it didn’t matter that my daughter was living in a foster home, or was out running with much older kids drinking and driving, needed new clothes or something nice for school, it didn’t matter that my parents were worried sick about me, all that mattered was drinking. If I wasn’t working I was drinking and when I worked at a convenience store I would drink while I worked sometimes. If I did worry about all that was wrong with my life I would drink to forget, I would try and drink the shame away, the self hatred, and fear. Yeah fear probably the one thing that drives all alcoholics deeper into the disease and contributes to relapses like those of Adams and my female friend. Adam said he felt overwhelmed and my female friend she was having a tough time with feeling insecure, she just starts to feel good about herself on the verge of getting completely honest and then the insecurity sabotages her and she drinks again. A non-alcoholic when faced with financial problems will not spend money they don’t have on booze and smokes but not an alcoholic, the alcoholic will not only spend the money they will also spend more money on something for their companion or children to make up for the guilt they feel about spending the non-existent extra money on themselves. A non-alcoholic doesn’t watch a movie or TV show and recognize the brand of alcoholic the characters are drinking by the bottle shape or fuzzy label nor do they get thirsty watching someone drink an alcoholic beverage. I am not saying society needs to do anything about alcohol in public, alcoholism is my problem and I need to be comfortable around alcohol.
This beings me to what is an alcoholic to do and what could of the people above done to prevent their relapses. I have mentioned meetings in this post and previous post concerning recovery from alcoholism. The importance of meetings, is you are with other people who share a common problem and have a common solution, it gives you and opportunity to make new friends who don’t drink thus replacing the dangerous ones who do, it is a place to remember where our drinking took us, in most cases it is a place filled with hope when life seems hopeless. When I got away from meetings I forgot about the bad times and negative emotions that came from drinking, not that I dwell in the past I just need to be reminded of it, I need to see the newcomer still shaking and smelling from the effects of the night before, the mixture of fear, desperation and a slight bit of hope. I need the camaraderie of other fellow travelers. The 12 steps of recovery are also a must, they aren’t something to rush through nor are they something to procrastinate on, thus the reason for a good sponsor. A sponsor is a mentor, someone who has something you want, not a material things though having a nice fishing boat or sweet ride isn’t a good reason for picking a sponsor . My sponsor is a very pragmatic person, spiritual in nature, insightful. Mentors me by sharing his experience, strength and hope, he gives suggestions based on what he has learned. He isn’t a dictator or a god, just a human I trust and am willing to listen to. Wow that was an unintentional transition into thrust, honesty and willingness. First I have to be willing to do what is recommend of me to stay sober, to not give in to fear, anger and impatience. Too many new people in recovery get impatient, they want instant gratification, hell that’s what we got from booze, they want to feel good NOW, they want there problems to go away NOW, they want others around them to see how they have changed and they want those same people they have harmed to respect them NOW, sorry campers it doesn’t work that way most of the time. The same is true with spirituality it takes time, it is about progress not perfection, we sit in meetings and see others who are happy, peaceful and serene and forget that it has taken them time to get there. It is all about today, this moment right now, for today I won’t give in and buy that drink, for this moment I won’t drink, for this moment I will say a little prayer asking for help from whatever Higher Power I believe in. I have to honestly believe that I need help not only with my alcohol problem but with my own perceptions, character defects, with spirituality, I need help learning how to communicate with others, and I need help getting out of selfish thinking and fear. I have to be completely honest in that I am totally powerless over alcohol and that when I drink it causes mental, physical and sometimes legal troubles, that no good whatsoever comes from me picking up a drink, by doing this I can think the drink through. I no longer crave a drink but that doesn’t mean I don’t think about having a drink, I pass a store advertising 30packs on sale, note the price and what a good buy that is and remember the 30 pack would only last a couple of days for me then I would need another and another, plus the problems that good buy would create.
Spirituality is a must for most of us, not 100% though, I know of people who still maintain complete atheism in recovery but they are rare exception and not the norm. Via the 12 steps and 12 traditions we are free to believe in a God of our own understanding; it can be as simple or complex as we make it. Again the newcomer needs to be patient with this process, to may try too hard to believe in another’s concept of God and feel their concept inadequate which can lead to relapse or a bad case of the poor me’s. The use of prayer and mediation has a very quieting quality to it; the belief in a Higher Power makes us feel less alone and also that there is a purpose for our lives. It gives strength in living in the moment knowing that the future will be what the future is. I have to take action, do footwork, faith without works is dead. In being aware of my character defects I then have to work on them to the best of my ability, some days I am good at it and some days I am bad at it.
Service works is also beneficial in staying sober, whether it is making coffee, (the nectar of people in recovery), helping with setup/cleanup, chairing a meeting, reading when asked or working at the district, intergroup or area levels as a committee member or chair etc. I am a service work junkie, for me it is about giving something back to those who so freely gave to me and making sure AA survived, it is also my way of helping the newcomer. Reaching out to the new person whether they are a newcomer, visitor or new members who just move to the area is important to me. If people hadn’t reached out to me at that first meeting I may have never come back and on the flip side when I moved to a new town people didn’t shake my hand and I thought they were being unfriendly and stopped going to meetings which played a part in my drinking again, they are not at fault I choose to buy that 6 pack, no one ever poured a drink down my throat.
All that I have written comes from my perspective; it is my opinions and thoughts and has nothing to do with AA’s stand on the subject’s I have talked about. No one speaks for AA as a whole. If there are things that you disagree with please let me know or if something I have written is unclear please let me know and I will try and clarify my idea better.