No Regret a useful tool

It's 11:00 am, I sitting here in my sleep pants, cup of coffee and smokes within short reach, I have finished reading my favorite blogs or checking to see if anyone has posted a new one. For the most part it is peaceful outside the library window, I call the spare room a library instead of office because my bookcases are in here, my bills go on the kitchen table until I need to review and pay them, a chore for today, my desk is a place for the laptop to sit and for storage, plus a couple of junk drawers filled with nails, wall hooks, batteries, small tools, misc repair stuff, so office just sounds to stuffy for me, library on the other hand is a place of peace, a place to read and a place to reflect which is what I do when I am in this room, I also have art work by Mich and N's youngest on the walls. So now you know about the room from which I write this blog and comment you yours.

I was awaken around 9:15 by a heavy rain, something we need since the air last night was heavy with moisture so hopefully the humidity will be less today, doesn't bother me but I get tired of hearing others complain about it. I save what little weather complaining I do for bitter north winds and temps in the teens and below, anytime the temp is above 40 I am happy. I don't like the cold at all but live in a cold state and will probably spend most of my life living in a cold state, I accept this because I love this cold state, it's people, it's culture, it's fairly laid back nature, it's friendliness plus my family and love ones are here. When I lived in the central part of the state it was a work of acceptance, I am liberal they are conservative, I think Limbaugh is an intolerant moron with an ugly soul they think he is a God, I love blues, folk, bluegrass and jazz influenced music with the exception of a small town radio station run by 2 old hippies my music isn't played west of Lincoln, I love ethnic foods and culture sorry folks but Mexican and bland Chinese just don't cut it for me, I like seeing and talking to freaks on the street in the coffee shop and at meetings out west they are a rarity and people laugh and point at them, I am not a Christian and people out west have a hard time understanding this, but I spent 17 years living in that part of the state I am a better person for it. Once I got sober and stopped using my differences as a "poor me I am so damn unique I have to drink all the time" BS, my differences gave me a chance for growth, a chance to practice love and tolerance even when I felt like I was being shunned or looked down on for my beliefs. There is no way I can truly understand raw prejudice felt my people of color or homosexuals but I have empathy because I have had small doses of it. Jesus talked about turning the other cheek and loving our enemies as well as our friends, the Buddha taught the same, I was given a chance to live these words and apply them in my life so I hold no ill feelings towards those with different views or ideals. Now that I am in Lincoln, I feel right at home. I am still living in my wonderful Nebraska but I am in the one city that I feel I fit in completely, God had a time planned for this and it materialized when things were right for me. I think about the drunken years, the alcohol fuel hatred, hatred of others and self, the poor Me's and it seems like such a waste but it wasn't, it was a part of the past I can't shut the door on because one can of beer takes me back there, no matter how good things are now the alcohol will turn everything black and ugly, that is how the demon works in me, it blankets out the sunlight of the Spirit. I am grateful for my past and my present life.

My new job is allowing me to use the tools of understanding and right speech, not to mention awareness. There are some clients who are suffering greatly from shame and guilt, well all of them are but there are only a few who are open enough to talk about it with the techs. I have been given an opportunity to explain the promise "we will not regret the past nor which to shut the door on it" from my own experience, the above thing with living in a small town is trivial for the most part. The shame I can share about is the shame that those of us who had children during our active alcoholism feel about the damage and suffering we created. I am not proud of how I treated my daughter or my parents, I am allowed to share this with the clients and explain to them I no longer feel regret for what I did, it was part of being a selfish slave to King Alcohol, I share that for me remembering how I treated my daughter and parents has become a tool for staying sober, it is part of thinking the drink through to the very end when the "wouldn't a beer taste good right now" thought crosses my mind, it is part of a mental collage which also includes jails and homelessness. One drink, a thimble full of alcohol has the power to ruin my relationship with my daughter, granddaughter, mother and the rest of the people I love and love me, that's some powerful stuff and I can never forget it. Another thing I am learning is to work with people who are very mentally ill. I have spent a lot of time with chronic alcoholics, both in and out of meetings, those sad cases that just don't seem to get "it", some have died and some are still existing. The people I work with are the ones Bill wrote about in Chapter 5 " constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves" they are unfortunate indeed. When I did service work at the mental health hospital I was in brief contact with some like this but now I am spending hours with a few people like this and let me tell you campers it is very sad. It is sad when the director tells us that these people are severely mentally ill and to please show tolerance and kindness towards them, it is sad to talk to or listen to someone with whom reality is sometimes an illusion, it is sad to know these people aren't even 40 years old and the future is very uncertain for them. There is one kid who really knows how to work you, he is mentally ill, in denial and gets verbally aggressive when confronted, this posed a challenge to me last night, I let him rant and rave, tried to explain or show him how this thinking was a wrong, I was granted the ability to be assertive without being aggressive, in the end I told him to go outside and cool down, later when I checked on him he was doing alright. We can't change these people a great deal but we still have to give them feedback in hopes the a small kernel of what we say may sink in, to help in anyway we can and I also feel that what loving kindness and compassion we show them in some ways is healthy for them also. My prayer and mediation time prior to work consist partially of asking for compassion, loving kindness and freedom from the bondage of self, yesterday I was given the honor of practicing what I pray and mediate for, it seems like a big order sometimes for this ex drunk, it seems almost overwhelming and scary. When I asked to be of service to God and my fellows I wasn't aware of of how much God would ask of me but God has faith in me and my coworkers who give me assistance and work with the clients also, just like it recovery it is all about "WE", I must not count myself short or the gifts I have been given, the old insecure Scott wants to do this at times. I take refuge in the 3rd and 11Th steps, I take refuge in the teachings of recovery, I take refuge in the Living Buddha and Living Christ, without these I am a dangerous man in a job that requires applying these principles every second I am there. I have said this before and will probably continue to say this, I love this job and I am grateful to my God for allowing me to have it, for the spiritual growth it gives me and with spiritual growth comes personal and emotional growth, tools I can use outside of the treatment center when I am in contact with my family, loved ones, friends and society in general. Must add I make mistakes, I am not perfect but I do the best that I can do. I use to beat the shit out of myself for making mistakes, you people in recovery told me I didn't need to do this anymore, that God forgives me and I need to forgive myself, thanks to God and you I have stayed sober enough 24 hours to practice this most of the time.

On a lighter note, looking out my window this morning I get the joy of watching the birds dig around in the wet grass for bugs. I get to watch the tree rats (squirrels) run and play. My bird feeder is a hit with all kinds of birds, even the black birds and blue jays are being nice to the smaller birds, I don't see the cardinals as much as I would like but every once in a while I catch a glimpse of them eating out of the feeder. I also have 3 rabbits who visit my yard, I take the bird seed and broadcast it around for them also. Life is peaceful and serene for the most part, I did have a bit uneasiness yesterday but did the footwork to correct it, once again my mind was telling me a story that was untrue but the only way to find out the truth was to trust God and ask the person I was worrying about the question that was on my mind, anyone who read this blog probably knows who I am talking about, all is well like I said it was just my mind telling me stories and my own insecurities feeding the story.

Well campers, I need to get my butt off this chair, take a shower, do some work around the house, look at a pay a couple of bills and then head to work.

Peace Love and Light to everyone!! and if anyone hasn't told you they Love you today then I will, I love you all.
Scott

Fear, used car, wooden ladder, speaking at a meeting

I am reading Tara Brach’s, “Radical Acceptance -- Embracing Your Life With the Heart of a Buddha”, which is an awesome book, today at lunch the chapter I was reading was about “fear”. I read a couple of sections and then reflected on what I read and what is going down in my life.
The used car; I am having some conflict with Michelle (daughter) over buying a car, she is currently using my car to get a around in. She doesn’t have the money to buy a car but I told her I would help her out and find an inexpensive car for her. She has also been looking around and she found a mid 90’s Grand Am that has a broken timing belt for $500.00, she has always loved Grand Am’s and that has been the model of car she has set her sites on getting. I have to tried to tell her in a nice way that this isn’t a good deal because without a timing belt you can’t really tell if anything else is wrong with the car. Saturday she showed up at my house and started talking about the car again and how a couple of friends told her the car was a good buy; being only 17 she trusted what the salesman is telling her also. I told her no I wouldn’t buy the Grand Am for her and that I was going to buy my sisters Taurus for her for the same price; I know the Taurus is in good mechanical shape. Mich got pissed and told me no on the Taurus and she would buy the Pontiac on her own. So now the problem is I really need to set down and talk with her about all of this. The fear factor is in making her upset, my drinking took it’s toll on her and deep down inside is still the fear of losing her love, that sick story within that says I don’t deserve her love since I was a lousy parent during my heavy drinking days, which is partial true and partial false but the fear is sometimes more powerful than the reality. I know I need to face my fear about her, know that yes she will probably still be angry at me, yes she probably won’t comprehend what I have to say since her mind is made up but I know it is all temporary. We have been down this road different times in the past when I have had to make decisions which she didn’t like but in the end she accepts things. The fear involving Mich is the most powerful type of fear, I tease people who are afraid of animals, yet I myself become immobile when it comes to confronting my daughter over something we have a big disagreement on.
The ladder; I borrowed an 8ft wooden ladder from a friend so I could repair and seal the roof of my mobile home Saturday. I was able to climb up the ladder and on to the roof but when I tried to step on to the ladder to come down and get some supplies I couldn’t do it. The old wooden ladder was wobbly and I am not comfortable with heights nor my balance on ladders so I was stuck. Thankfully I had my cell phone and smokes with me, I called a friend who wasn’t doing anything and he came over and brought a fiberglass ladder which was totally stable and I had no problem climbing up and down it. While I waited for my friend to show up I smoked and thought about my fear and dealing with it. I thought I would be able to over come it this time, I tried mediating to overcome the fear but still every time I reached my leg out and touched the next to the last rung on the ladder I started to shake uncontrollably so I just had to accept that it wasn’t safe for me to try and force myself to climb down the ladder. Nice thing was I wasn’t ashamed about my situation or my fear it is what it is, some people can monkey around on shaky ladders all day long, I can’t, some people freak out over bugs, spiders, snakes and such and I have no problems handling any of them, o.k. never had to handle a poisonous snake but it wouldn’t freak me out to do so. So here was a fear that I dealt with in an appropriate manner.
The meeting; yesterday I went to my regular Sunday morning meeting at the hospital, the usual people where there. Topic was on basically using spirituality to over come fears and live in the moment to the best of our ability. About mid way through the meeting, my head started getting fuzzy from too much coffee and my thoughts were all mucked up. I honestly try and share from the heart at meetings but I had too much Tara Brach running through my mind, along with the caffeine and nicotine, since I was reading her for around an hour prior to going to the meeting. I was trying to focus my mind on being humble and not preachy, but it was still pretty fuzzy when it came my turn to share. I very much wanted to pass with just saying I was grateful to be there alive and sober, but since I always share something I told myself I had to share. So pride in hand I proceeded to share with half a heart and mind and from my ears what I heard sucked!!! Here I was afraid of what others would think about me if I didn’t share, afraid that people would think I was going through some emotional funk for not sharing, pride was telling I needed to say something profound, to impress people, to share the Dharma in a non-direct way. Once again I brought suffering upon myself for selfish reasons, I disrupted my inter peace due to my perceptions/expectations of other peoples minds which were hidden from me. But l learned I hope, it has been a while since I have done this and the last time I did I felt like shit then also, maybe this is just something I need to do every so often to remind me to stay humble, to go with my inter spirit.

Fear so many faces, the good fear keeps me safe and ask for help. The bad fear plays havoc with my insides. It can also be a thief like when I don’t ask someone who appears interested in my out for coffee because I am afraid of rejection. It is a creator, it creates opportunities for me to work on procrastination when I am afraid in financial situations to ask for help but have no alternative to and realizing the sooner I ask for help the better. Fear the teacher, fear has taught me a lot and still does so if I am aware. I am stepping deeper into mediation which is improving my awareness. I hate tiny steps but that is what I have to take right now, the tiny steps are good but the little Veruca Salt inside my head sometimes screams out “I Want it NOW”. Oh well such is life, I woke up this morning I smile at the day, gave thanks for being alive and sober, focused on compassion and the Eight Fold Path, even though I may stubble a little here and there I feel that by starting the day with those things in mind I am able to recognize emotions, act and re-act in a much better way than I have ever done in the past.