tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-38272469710843537232024-03-12T17:27:47.043-07:00He Not Busy Being Born Is Busy DyingRamblings from a recoverying Alcoholic, novice Buddhist, dad, grandpa, learning to live on life's terms with compassion, humility and loving kindnesswolfie185http://www.blogger.com/profile/08113710218994046562noreply@blogger.comBlogger230125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3827246971084353723.post-49848418610318722742013-01-01T03:05:00.000-08:002013-01-01T03:05:00.718-08:00Sad start to a New YearIt's 3:30am January 1st 2013, I can't sleep so maybe writing will help. Tonight we had a speaker event with snack food at the club house. My sponsor called me this afternoon to ask if I was going, one of the woman she sponsors was the key speaker but my sponsor wasn't going to the event due to the cold and snowy weather, sponsor is on oxygen, she ask if I would take her place and introduce the speaker. The speaker is a friend who is coming up on 7 years, we have done service work together, she is a big on working/living the steps and we both share a passion for The Doctor's Opinion; it was an honor to introduce her.<br />
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My group of friends had planned on road tripping to the annual New Years Eve bash in a town 45 miles east, something we do every year. We had light snow all day today and were leery of the roads so at 9:00 tonight we were still not positive we would be driving, after receiving a couple of text it was decide to skip the trip because we had heard there were cars in the ditch. We hung around one couples house of about 45 minutes then everyone decide to go to some other people in recovery house. By this time I was starting to burn down so decided to pick of some munchies and a movie and go home. When I got home Mich and her friend were sitting on the couch watching TV while the two 4 year old's played. Mich looked rather sick and she told my why.<br />
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Mich told me she was pregnant again, her friend stepped outside expecting me to blow my top I guess. I didn't blow my top, I just told her that it really messed up her moving forward and no reason to get angry over it what was done was done. Mich was sick, had a fever and was also having contractions, she called her doctor who advised her going to the ER. Her friend took her to the ER while I stayed with the girls, Carter was already sleeping in his room. I got a phone call around midnight saying she was dilating and she was going into labor. I was also told the doctor said the baby was too preemie to try and save. The father to the baby and Mich's friend are with her at the hospital and I will not know much more until morning.<br />
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It was too late to call anyone other than my oldest sister so I called her and talked for a bit. It is sad about the baby yet I feel this is for the best. My sister told me she knew last Friday about Mich being pregnant and Mich told her she was probably going to put the baby up for adoption. Mich is in no position to have another baby; she lives with me because she can't get her own place due to finances, she is just starting a very promising job work with the disabled, it is only part time but could lead into a career, and she doesn't have stable relationships.<br />
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I asked her tonight right after she told me she was pregnant why she wasn't on birth control, she said something about how it wasn't free in this county, her friend piped up and said it wasn't free but income based so still cheap. Getting her on birth control is one of the next steps she will have to take, at one point she told my niece birth control made her gain weight. Well gained weight be damned, she needs to either go on the pill, the shot or Norplant. She needs to take every precaution to make sure the next time she gets pregnant it is with a partner she plans on being with long term and they are financially able to have another child. Right now she needs to focus on being a good mother to the 2 she has, getting a career established and working on becoming self supporting.<br />
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I thank my Higher Power for the bad weather which kept me in town tonight and had me come home early so I could stay with the little ones while Mich went to the hospital. The late term miscarriage isn't a bad thing even though it is sad and the baby was developing, it just isn't the right time to bring a baby into our lives. I say our lives because everything Mich does right now has a direct effect on me.<br />
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Mich seems to be one of those emotionally and maturely developing young people that when things are starting to go well somehow manages to trip up. She has been doing really well the last couple of months, rarely goes out with friends. She hasn't had a boyfriend since she broke up with the abusive guy, the father of this baby is an on again off again fuck buddy for lack of a better term. I like him more than any of the others but he is a young male who likes to drink and have fun. She has shown a real interest and aptitude for working with the disabled, physically and mentally disabled. Her employer likes her and held her job while she was in limbo waiting for the courts to finish abuse case which was dropped. Looks like I need sit down with her and reiterate again how she needs to be mindful of her actions and really think hard about the choices she makes.<br />
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I am grateful the obsession to drink and use has been removed. I am grateful I can be a good grandpa to the little ones. I am grateful Mich is starting to pay her way. I am grateful can support her with tough love. If it wasn't for AA, the steps, sponsorship and my recovery friends tonight would have been totally messed up. I can see it for what it is, a sad day and sad days come and go, such is life. <br />
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Peace Love and Lightwolfie185http://www.blogger.com/profile/08113710218994046562noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3827246971084353723.post-86509049261720379232012-12-24T10:07:00.000-08:002012-12-24T10:07:59.653-08:00Greetings from the snow cover Heartland<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Hey all!! This is the design for the t-shirts for next years 30th Nebraska NA convention to be held here. Because of my background in purchasing I am the merchandising chairperson, I found a local company which will make us 250 shirts for $5.50 each, nice deal for us and we get to support and local business, win win deal.<br />
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So it is Christmas eve, Mich is working 8-4 and I am watching my little buddies; Angel is watching Sponge Bob and Carter is running around being Carter, wanting to eat everything in the house and only staying focused on one thing for a couple of minutes before moving on to something else.<br />
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After Mich gets home I need to go over to my mom's and get their presents; I stashed and wrapped them at her apartment for obvious reasons with a 4 and 2 year old in the house. I found Angel a dollhouse at for $20.00, not the Dora house she wanted but it has little people and furniture, plus I bought a Dora and friend just the right size to go with; my sister gave the kids a small farm set with farmer and animals which will go nicely with the dollhouse too; also bought her some small odds and ends. I bought Carter a workbench and tools, so he can have his own tools to fix stuff instead of stealing Papa's, managed to find a battery operated drill with bits also. Carter is my little apprentice fixer, when ever I get my tools out to work on something he is right by my side helping me; I keep some tools in the house and when he gets a chance he takes them pretending to "fix it".<br />
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Wednesday we received 6 inches of snow, the wind was kicking about 35mph also, they had to shut down the interstate due to visibility. I was working at the hotel and there were times when I couldn't see 50 yards. I found out my little Cavalier does really well in snow, good tires helped. Saturday Angel and I made her first snowman. Yes Virginia we are having a white Christmas in Nebraska.<br />
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I am taking advantage of my break from classes to read non-thinking books. The hotel is very dead this time of year so I have plenty of time to read at work. Like anyone else who is around talkative little kids or people most of the day it is a pleasure to sit in perfect quiet and read; after I get my work done or in-between task.<br />
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J and I sat down Saturday night at a coffee shop. Part of our talk turned to camping. The guy who was our on again off again cook at camp-out's committed suicide Thanksgiving, he had Schizophrenia and stopped taking his medicine. P was a good guy but the double whammy of mental health problems and addiction kept him at a distance from the steps, he attended meetings periodically, stayed clean and sober but was never able to get rigorously honest enough to work the steps. We would suggest working the steps to him, on camping weekends give him a bit of tough love when he was pity potting it but his mental illness just held him back I guess. It is sad when someone takes their own life, it is sad that we can't help someone who for whatever reasons can't find the solution. We will leave a chair empty for P at our camp-outs this summer.<br />
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I am looking forward to the challenges of the new semester. Really interested to find out more about the change in degree. This new direction has boosted my enthusiasm; I want to work in medical management but it is just different enough to really kick my need for new learning in gear.<br />
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All in all life is good, recovery is great, would be doing any of this stuff is I was drunk and stoned. Merry Christmas everyone and have a blessed new year!!<br />
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Peace Love Light<br />
Scott <br />
<br />wolfie185http://www.blogger.com/profile/08113710218994046562noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3827246971084353723.post-78817251396567868322012-11-24T08:59:00.002-08:002012-11-24T08:59:24.526-08:006 YearsOn Thursday, Nov 29th, if I don't drink or use and I have no plans to do either, I will have been sober and clean 6 years. Like a guy in a meeting I go to says "I didn't get here on a winning streak". I got here finally due to bad checks, of course those checks were alcohol related. I was arrest on a Sunday night at home, this was the second time I was arrested at home for a bad check. We lived in a small town, pop 700 people, this was very embarrassing to my 15 year old daughter, oh yeah we lived on a busy street too. Sidebar; here is the insanity of alcoholism, I had received a letter from the county attorney saying if they received a money order by a certain date the matter would be taken care of otherwise there would be a warrant issued for my arrest; so what do I do, I wait until the day the money is due to the county attorney to mail the check, I did this not once but twice and both times I was arrested. I procrastinated to the last moment because I needed my alcohol money, in my sick mind I must have thought they wouldn't arrest a nice guy like me even though they had done it before. So anyway, I had a couple of phone conversation while I was assigned to the holding cell with my sister and daughter who were both very pissed off at me and to my surprise were not going to bail me out. I had to spend the night in the holding cell, they said I would be release the next morning if the money order was in the incoming mail. That night in jail I thought about all the heat which was on my ass, family upset about my drinking, work upset about my drinking, probation officer I was making excuses to for not going to outpatient treatment who was going to nail me sooner or later. I decided to go to treatment, to cool the heat and hopefully get my drinking control-able again, see even with 9 years in AA the disease was telling me I wasn't an alcoholic but that I just needed to be able to control my drinking. I made some calls and about two weeks after my night in jail I walked through the doors of a treatment center.<br />
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I only stayed in treatment two weeks, because I had been in recovery before and was picking the tool kit back up fairly quickly, my counselor told the insurance company I could probably make it on the outside with just Intensive Outpatient counseling. A women I had known from years back when I was active in recovery gave me a ride home and her husband came by later that night and agreed to sponsor me, these 2 wonderful people would give me rides to meetings and other events, I did a lot of early step work riding in my sponsors pickup. Here is how divine providence worked for this drunk; I lived 30 miles from work, a guy in the town drove right past my work place on his way to work and would drop me off, oh yeah I didn't have a drivers license due to my 2nd DUI, after work I would get a ride to a friends house, then go to the 5:15 meeting, my sponsor and his wife were going to college full time in a town 40 miles on east of where I worked, they would meet me at a meeting and drop me off at my house on their/his way home, they lived 10 miles south of me. The stars lined up in my favor those early months, I was able to make 5 or more meetings a week in those early months even though I couldn't legally drive nor was there a meeting in the town I lived in.<br />
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The obsession to drink left me fairly early in recovery; I give credit to divine providence and also I felt hope again, were as when I was drinking I just wanted to die. The psychic change Dr. Silkworth talked about really happened to me and it happened within a few days of treatment. I re-connected with the God of my understand by rereading and studying We Agnostics; when I was in recovery before I lived in a small recovery world filled with Bible talking people, I kept my non-Christian spirituality to myself out of fear of being not accepted, people pleasing is one of my major character defects, one I continue to work on. In these 6 years I have continued to seek spiritual growth, I have my outs with some in the program, I still live in the Bible Belt, but I am very comfortable in my own skin and in my own understanding of a God, I stand up for the newcomers who have troubles with the God thing because I don't want them feeling the program will not work for them because they don't believe in the same God as a lot of the people in the rooms are talking about. I also have a sponsor who understands my spirituality and could careless what my Higher Power is or isn't. <br />
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Most of you know all about what I have gone through in this last year and what a year it was:-) To me this was the year of the 5th step, I actually did another 4th and 5th step. It was a year of learning to talk to people about what was going on inside. I connected with a wonderful woman who I call my sponsor, my original sponsor isn't easily accessible due to his work schedule, he has moved away too and goes to meetings in another town. I started seeing this woman weekly, it was nice to have some one on one face time with a sponsor again, it was also needed since I was only making 1 or 2 meetings a week; again divine providence stepped in to help me. I also started talking to a few others regularly. I am a pretty closed person, oh yeah I can write stuff here but doing a one on one opening up to another is a challenge, see I don't want to burden another with my struggles. I am learning to undo some of the conditioning of my upbringing, I was starting to get comfortable opening up a lot with my original sponsor and a couple of others, then my moving around and jobs kind of made me back slide, had to keep a good face don't you know, oh I would talk to Lady B sometimes and maybe a couple of others if the pain got bad but for the most part I clammed up again, I don't think it was intentional, it was just the old way of thinking taking over, a bad self survival instinct, haw see I just used the word "self". So yeah the 5th step is about opening up to another, it is easy to talk to my God and even mediate but I need other people in my life for guidance, to explain what God is probably saying and not what I think God is probably saying. With work and school I don't make it to my sponsors every week but I do check in every couple of weeks, see her at meetings and visit with her there. I also go to an average of 4 meetings a week and talk to a couple of other people, my circle of close friends is getting bigger. <br />
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Challenges are challenges everybody has them alcoholics and non-alcoholics alike. By embracing the whole of AA; steps, meetings, sponsorship and service work, most of the time I can face the challenges with some semblance of inner-peace. I did freak out a few times this summer, I needed the freak outs to learn some stuff, sorry if I pissed anyone off with the freak outs. The challenges aren't over, not for me and probably not for you either, I am in a better place today to handle the challenges than I was 6 months ago because I walked though the storm and learned a couple of things, I also talked about lot about what was going on, even sometimes in my home group, ugh.<br />
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The new challenge is changing my major in college. When I was going through the catalog looking at classes for the next semester, I started really reading what Business Admin was all about and I also read the description for Health Care Information Systems Management and realized this is what I was really wanting to do with a degree. HCISM is learning management skills needed to work in any health care related business, whether it is a hospital, treatment center, Red Cross, American Cancer Society, etc. I don't know jack shit about the medical field really, biology, anatomy and all that type of stuff is foreign to me. I stopped and talked to my sponsor about my thoughts on changing majors, she was very supportive and strongly encouraged me to make the change, so next semester I am taking a different path towards a career. One of my fears is it will take me 3 years to get my degree, that is 3 years without a full time job, something else which is foreign to me, this is also a pride issue, but I think my dad would be cool with me not working as long as I was doing it for a good reason. I talked to my buddy about my fear of taking classes in which I have no practical knowledge of, we both agreed this may be a good thing since the business classes come easy so maybe the new challenge will do me some good. I also talked to the guidance counselor at the college and she told me I might be able to get financial aid to take 9 hours of classes this summer, knock some of the general educations out of the way. I really like were I work, so I don't want to quit for the summer, I would rather stay working there if at all possible until I get my degree; the job is going well and I am well liked by my manager and the big boss.<br />
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Well shower time, then to get a few needed groceries before the noon 12 and 12 meeting. Going to put up Christmas lights outside this afternoon since the weather is going to be decent, not sure what next weekend will bring so better get on it while the getting is good; I have an nice front porch and awning at this trailer so I have a place to hang lights, Angel is all excited about decorating for Christmas.<br />
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Hope everyone is well, I send a prayer of love and positive energy your way at night. Thanks for being a part of my recovery!<br />
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Peace Love Light<br />
Scott <br />
<br />wolfie185http://www.blogger.com/profile/08113710218994046562noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3827246971084353723.post-88194577818768222752012-11-12T08:36:00.001-08:002012-11-12T08:36:19.054-08:00Freedom, Goodwill, Creative Action & Personal Growth So I am was reading an NA, yes an Narcotics Anonymous, booklet and read this paragraph, " Any lifestyle seeking spiritual fulfillment seems to demand the very things missing in addiction; <i>freedom, goodwill, creative action and personal growth." </i>I thought what a profound and truthful statement.<br />
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In active alcoholism and addiction I was a prisoner to my disease. I couldn't go anywhere without making sure and had something in the car, I rarely went anywhere were alcohol wasn't served. I was big time paranoid, I was always on the lookout for the police, also paranoid my enablers would pull the plug. I was a prisoner to money, needing a certain amount for my alcohol, if it wasn't there I would write bad checks or steal booze from the store I worked at part time. I was a prisoner of my emotions, any clear thoughts I had about the trouble my drinking was causing were shut down as quick as possible with alcohol; reality sucked and I couldn't allow it to interfere with my obsession for alcohol. I couldn't change my job, couldn't go to college, couldn't move from the dump of a house I lived in. Sadly this prisoner couldn't be a good parent either, same goes for son, brother, employee and friend. Because I am free, I now can do anything I want and as long as I stay spiritually fit I never enter the prison of addiction again. BTW alcohol is my drug of choice but I will use any substance put in my path to get messed up, also I have a healthy fear of my addictive nature, so if I ever have to be put on narcotics for a medical reason, I need to keep the knowledge of being an addict as strong as the knowledge of being an alcoholic.<br />
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Goodwill, how can one be practicing goodwill when we are so caught up in self. I tried to practice goodwill, I helped people out, gave a bit to charity but under this was still my main concern of getting the next drink. I don't think there is anyway a person caught up in addiction can practice goodwill because we are so selfish and self-centered. In recovery getting out of self is a life long process for many of us, for me it is a daily awareness of my actions and thoughts which are based on self. Simple acts of goodwill start to come more naturally as we change our way of thinking, become more spiritually centered; holding doors open, giving a warm smile to the cashier, allowing someone to proceed ahead of us in traffic. I do what I can for the less fortunate when I can, make sure the stuff I am getting rid of goes to a charity which gives stuff away and not just sells it. Of course we try and practice goodwill in the recovery rooms, extending a welcoming hand and echoes of encouragement, we try and give back what was freely given to us. For me this is an ongoing thing, some days I am so caught up in I forget to say hi and introduce myself to the person in the room I have never seen before. Being spiritually fit means I am thinking less about me and more about others, and more about the planet. <br />
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Creative action is an interesting term. I am I finding creative ways to reach out to those who still suffer? Am I finding creative ways to carry the message in my service work? I am I finding creative ways in sponsoring, finding ways to knock down the walls which keep someone from understanding the steps? Once in a while the answer is yes, I do know how to intuitively handle a situation which use to baffle me. My first thought on the word creative was, artistic, something I am not, but like everyone else, I have talents which others don't , we all do. We shouldn't beat ourselves up, we shouldn't compare ourselves to others, we are all very special. When I am in active addiction my creativity was as dead as my spirit, I couldn't touch my creative self no more than I could touch my spiritual self, in recovery both are possible.<br />
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In my psyche class we read a lot about how alcoholism and drug addiction delay and even stop growth, I have heard this in the rooms for years, but here is was in black and white in a psychology text book. The book had a table in it showing where we should be at in emerging adulthood, damn did I ever miss the boat. I lacked responsibility, had no goals in life, sucked at relationships, lacked motivation and any interest in bettering myself as a father, employee or member of society. Here at almost 50 I am basically in my early 20's but it is alright. For me the steps are were the growth comes from, I see the areas needed from improvement, I do my best to trust my God, I do the footwork. I want and need spiritual growth, emotional growth and personal growth, even if it comes with a bit of pain; I want to be busy being born and not busy dying.<br />
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Well I need to take a shower and get ready for my last English class, finishing this class will free me up for other classes. Hope everyone is doing well. We are having a warm fall so far, even had a thunderstorm Saturday night. Angel is all about Christmas, mainly because the t.v. is bombarding us with commercials about toys, she is constantly saying "look papa, I want that' to which papa replies, "we will just have to see what Santa can do" to which she replies "really papa" with a big smile on her face. Papa is really glad for layaway this year!<br />
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Peace Love and Light<br />
Scott wolfie185http://www.blogger.com/profile/08113710218994046562noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3827246971084353723.post-31615757841677635192012-11-05T08:18:00.000-08:002012-11-05T08:18:14.546-08:00For Love Cupboards and Other ThingsHey all, I am all moved into the new mobile home, AKA trailer house. It started at 1:30pm two Saturdays ago; I got the keys to the house and first thing which needed done was masking the living room so I could paint. Painting is one of those things I can do but I am not fond of doing. I had to put on a coat of primer to cover the green and by the evening I had the first coat of Farmer Apple Red on the walls, the living had to be painted before anything was moved into it. Mich boxed stuff up and used her car to move some stuff Saturday, while I painted. I got up early Sunday morning and put the second coat of paint on then hit a meeting because the place I need to be at 11am on Sunday morning is my home group. I borrowed a friends pickup Sunday, my Suburban is still in the shop, which allowed me to get a bunch more moved. Mich couldn't find anyone to watch Carter so with the exception of a buddy helping with the couch and the chair I moved everything I could that day myself. I continued to move the next two days, once again a buddy came over and helped with the rest of the big stuff. Cleaning the other house sucked but went does deep cleaning not suck. Anyway between working and one class I was able to get everything done at 2:15am Thursday morning. I have moved 5 times in 6 years and I hope like hell I am done moving for a few years.<br />
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The new place is better, the add-on's to the living room and dining room give me more space in both areas. Instead of having 3 upper cupboards, 5 lower cupboards and 3 drawers in the kitchen, I now have 10 upper cupboards, 6 lower cupboards, 8 drawers and a pantry. I now have space for my kitchen gadgets, pots, pans, baking stuff and the dry goods are no longer crammed together and I actually know what I have and don't have. My bedroom closet isn't as big but I gained a linen closet, I put clothes in storage bags and shoved them under the bed. the bathroom is twice as big, plus Mich and Angel have their 1/2 bath. The one shed is really nice and big, room to put stuff in without cramming, the other shed is perfect for tools and stuff I use more often. The front porch has a roof over it and a wall on the north side; when the snow hits it will be nice have this area fairly free of snow and ice, sure the dog will appreciate this also.<br />
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There are somethings I had to fix or will need to fix. I had to replace the internal workings on one of the toilets, it dribbled water. The thermostat was trashed so I replaced it, same with the shower head. The cupboards and drawers in the kitchen and main bath room all need painted, I will also paint the kitchen walls but this can wait for a bit. There is a big gap in the fence which I will fix mainly for appearance, since there is no way to keep Carter in if he really wants to get out. I hope by next summer Carter will be better at not running away from my house when he is outside, if not then he will be spending a lot of time in his room while Angel is playing outside. There are a few other odds and ends things which need to be fixed or fixed up for appearance but nothing major or expensive. <br />
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The kids are both enjoying having more space to run around in. Carter no longer shares a room with my books, good for both of us:-) Mich needs to find a way to get her stuff out of her ex-boyfriends parents garage, mainly we need to get Angels big bed, Mich's kitchen table which we can use for an island and her love seat.<br />
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Work is going well. School is going alright but need to play catchup in a couple of classes. I have 2 papers due Thursday in psyche but they shouldn't be too hard to get out since I don't work tomorrow and I have notes done on them. I will complete my writing class hopefully by next Monday, this will free my Monday's and Wednesday's up. Of course I keep going to meetings and staying in contact with my sponsor and recovery friends, both make sure I am staying sane and keeping everything in perspective.<br />
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Well I need to take a shower, do some business class work, then off to the writing class. Hope everyone is safe, is finding emotional balance in the storms of life, and in general doing well.<br />
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Peace Love Light<br />
Scott wolfie185http://www.blogger.com/profile/08113710218994046562noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3827246971084353723.post-81890153247582235432012-10-16T10:05:00.000-07:002012-10-16T10:05:25.486-07:00Rope in a Deep Well I am just going to start typing and let a title materialize out of what I type. I have done some footwork to lessen the financial burden, my time to myself has been shortened and I have had a bloody head cold for a week, not to mention a brewing resentment I need to get rid of.<br />
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I did some talking to my banker and was able to rework a loan I have, I had to extend the length which in the long run isn't good but in the right now it cuts my monthly payments down by 1/3, maybe in a couple of years I can increase the payments so I am not paying back so much in interest; this loan was taken out when I was making quite a bit more money. I bought a small car, so my fuel expense has dropped a lot, little Chevy Cavalier with a 5 speed manual transmission, God I love shifting gears again, the car isn't brilliant looking but runs well. I talked to my boss at the hotel and he was able to give me six extra hours a week of work, plus I work every other Sunday. Lastly I bought a trailer, my mom loaned me the money, this will save me $80.00 a month plus I can pay my mom back a couple of times a month instead of having everything come out of one paycheck.<br />
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The trailer belongs to I guy I use to work with; it is older but well insulated and has good windows, fenced in yard for the kids, 2 nice size shed for storage, 3 bedrooms and 1-1/2 baths. The kitchen is bigger with more cupboards, my trailer really lacks cupboards in the kitchen, they built on to the dining and living rooms, so they are bigger. Mich and Angel will take the bedroom with the 1/2 bath which is in the front off the living room, Carter will have the little bedroom and mine will be in the back. I need to paint the living room, it is lime green not my color, going to paint it a burgundy for warmth, plus the cupboard doors in the kitchen and bath need painted and a bit of wood putty. <br />
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The main reason for buying the trailer is Mich and the kids moved back in with me and will probably be living with me for quite a while. When the landlord said she wasn't approved to live with me, she moved in with a guy who turned out to be a control freak with a violent background, recently he has been stalking her via FB and driving by the house or finding out from mutual friends what she is up to. It is better for her to live with me, I feel more secure with her and the kids here, instead of her hooking up with some guy just so she has a place to stay, she has been good about not going out at night since she quit dating, she is partying less and is home every night of the week. I have been nervous about the landlady finding out Mich and the kids were here, afraid of being evicted for breaking the lease agreement. <br />
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The new trailer is just down the street from the one I currently rent. When I told the landlord I was buying it, she told me Mich was still not allowed to live with me. I contacted a lawyer and he said she cannot tell me who can and cannot live with me, unless the person has a serious criminal record, prejudice doesn't count. Mich copped an attitude when she did the interview with the landlady to get approval to live in this trailer, landlady was talking down to her and Mich being a proud 21 year old who doesn't know anything about having a poker face and keeping her mouth shut, rubbed the landlady the wrong way. Mich can be an arrogant, know it all snot, who doesn't own her mistakes as much as she needs to, she is immature for sure, especially when it comes to putting her wants above the needs of the kids, she sees nothing wrong with going out drinking a couple of nights a week and leaving the kids with someone. Mich hasn't been charged with child neglect from the incident with Carter climbing out the window in July, in fact Child Protective Services were never called. She has a court date later this month and has a Public Defender, so hopefully the charges will be dropped. She has been put on suspense from her job working with the mentally handicap because she can't have anything dealing with neglect or abuse on her record, if the charges are dropped she gets her job back. So Mich isn't a perfect kid, but she isn't a really bad kid either, she does better living under my roof with boundaries than on her own. <br />
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My conversation with the landlady has been eating my lunch, she was rude towards me and made accusations about Mich I didn't like. She doesn't know anything about Mich, where she has come from; mother committing suicide when she was 8 years old, dad climbing inside a bottle for 10 years, going into foster care and group homes, completing high school as a teen mother and trying her best to be a mom at a young age. We live a quiet life, the house is alcohol and drug free, since it was reported the girl watching the kids wasn't keeping a close eye on them, she hasn't watched them and will not watch them, when the kids are outside they are closely supervised. Another thing is; I live in the biggest mobile home park in town, I know of a lot of kids who run around unsupervised and you have to drive slow and watch out for them, also I know of homes where people live without approval from the manager. The landlady is one of those know-it-all people who will not listen to what you have to say, she is very prejudice; this was brought to my attention when I talked to her about buying the trailer because the guy I am buying it from is Hispanic and she didn't have anything nice to say about Hispanics even though 50% of the residents here are Hispanic. If I didn't pay my rent, if I had the cops coming around every so often, if my lot was a junk pit, if the kids where running wild in the streets I could understand her being concerned about renting me a lot. I can't explain to her that Mich and the kids are better off and safer living with me, that Mich is at a crossroads and needs to be able to save up to move out. I want to say "listen bitch, I am doing what is best for my daughter and grand kids so butt the fuck out and mind your own business and until we do something illegal leave us alone." <br />
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I own and understand her not allowing Mich to live in a home I rent from her, it is her choice on who lives in her property, and I signed a lease saying I would get approval for anyone, be it my kid or girlfriend or roommate, if they moved in with me. Looking at this from a 4th step point of view, the landlady has hurt my pride and since of security. Oh yeah, rental property here blows if you have a pet, only a few mobile home owners allow pets, none of the apartments or houses do, so I am stuck, I looked around and couldn't find a trailer to buy in another park in my price range. Yesterday I realized I had a dozy of a resentment building towards the landlady, I was driving around town with a conversation with her going through my head, wanting to set the record straight with her and tell her I talked to a lawyer and was calling her bluff. Last night when I went to bed I did the only thing I know how to do, I prayer for her and for acceptance.<br />
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I don't dig having my lifeboat rocked, I want everything in life to go along smooth. Things have smoothed out again for the most part, money, Mich and kids. The landlady bit will smooth out too once we move, we will live our quiet life, just be another tenant among and few hundred others. I am going to visit my sponsor this afternoon after work, puke on her table for a bit and I will continue to pray for the landlady, it always seems to help accepting someone I dislike, know we will never see eye to eye and move on, might not happen soon but with practice and time it will.<br />
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On the lighter side, Angel is really excited for Halloween, she wants to be a tiger princess, not sure where she got this idea but she is adamant this is what she is going to be. I found an orange tutu, plus orange tights, will buy an orange t-shirt, use electrical tape for strips, get her some cat ears and tail, paint her face orange with stripes. I found Carter the cutest gnome costume, little white beard, pointed hat, shirt/shorts with suspenders. I will take pictures and post them. I bought Angel some plastic fangs and she has been in hog heaven wearing them around the house.<br />
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Life is still good, even with battling challenges, classes are going well, I will start writing my next two papers for psyche next week. If I wasn't sober I wouldn't have these wonderful challenges. If I didn't go to meetings, talk to my sponsor and others in recovery, work the steps daily the best I can, I would be sitting in a deep well of shit with no direction out.<br />
<br />
Peace Love Light wolfie185http://www.blogger.com/profile/08113710218994046562noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3827246971084353723.post-52416194649335452792012-09-27T09:46:00.000-07:002012-09-27T09:46:10.979-07:00Every Step on the Path is Required<i>I may not have gone where I intended to go but I think I have ended up where I need to be.</i><br />
Douglas Adams<br />
<br />
Last night three of us gave our annual panel presentation to the local nursing students. The presentation is an informal discussion on alcoholism and addiction, we talk openly and honestly about the effects of alcoholism and also share about AA and how it works, drug addiction and NA are also touched on. Two of the people on the panel have medical backgrounds, one has done everything from basic nursing to respirator therapy, the other is a retired nurse. These two ladies were practicing alcoholics in their professions; one how has 6 years sobriety and the other 37 years. Our intent is to help the students who as nurse may possibly see a lot of sick alcoholics and addicts up close and personal both as patients and peers, also the family members effected. We try and break the stigma of what an alcoholic is, the three of us have all lead professional lives as practicing alcoholics but were also living very destructive lives. We talk about the obsessive nature of alcoholism, how the obsession is more powerful than our concern for family, friends and our own well being. We also share how we have found a solution, how the obsession has been removed or to put it in a better way, is in remission.<br />
<br />
All of us enjoy doing this discussion. Some of the students are really interested in what we have to say. We hit a few nerves too when we talk, it is interesting to watch the expression on the faces, to see someone relate from their own experience. We do what we do because it is just another aspect of service without any expectations attached.<br />
<br />
When I read the above quote this morning, it brought back what we shared last night. None of us set out in life to be chronic alcoholics. We didn't say as teenagers, I want to be physically, mentally and spiritually sick person by my 20's. Part of the importance of sharing our story with others, whether it be 40 students or just one on one, is we see where we have gone and where that life lead us both the bad and the good.<br />
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Every step I have taken and every step I take on the path is required. I step up to my ass in self pity shit, I wade through the muck of challenges I really do not like because they take me where I need to be. Where I thought I would be 30 years ago and where life took me are two different things. When I was about 8 years old I wanted to be an Oceanographer, 41 years later I am a full time student and part time desk clerk at a hotel, making just enough to survive and it is where I need to be today. <br />
<br />
If my life would have been one filled with ease, would I have the gratitude I have for life today? I think the path of struggles both in and out of recovery have made me a better person. When I go through struggles and put them into perspective, I can see I am where I need to be. Struggle as always show me what I need to be doing or sometimes not doing, whatever the case may be. This was the indirect message we shared last night, three ex-drunks who had been to Hell and back, saying life was good today because we stumbled upon a path for living we hadn't intended upon taking.<br />
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Hope all are enjoying changing of the seasons, wonderful crisp evenings and mornings. The coffee always smells better when the house is naturally cool.<br />
<br />
Peace Love Light<br />
Scott <br />
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<br />wolfie185http://www.blogger.com/profile/08113710218994046562noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3827246971084353723.post-52244686663907296522012-09-16T08:22:00.001-07:002012-09-16T08:22:23.456-07:00All is Quiet, All is WellHi all, before I spend the day doing some serious writing thought I would do some just for me and update those who still read my blog. <br />
<br />
College classes are going as follows. Basic writing is easy for now and I am getting good grades. I am kicking butt in my Intro to Business but I should be with my years of experience, it is easy for me to read and comprehend the material which allows me to do well on the exam's and essay's. I was worried about how I would do on the essay's but once I got my head around what he was asking for I just free flowed the answers using my experience in relationship to the material in the text, so far I am getting high marks for critical thinking. Developmental Psyche is a different story from Intro to Business. The material in the psyche class is harder for me to comprehend, some of the stuff I can understand based on experience, other stuff is just foreign to me, the first 4 chapters have been more on theory and medical stuff. I got an 84 on my first test, 4 points where because I answered an essay question to the best of my ability, every point counts on this class. Having done the first test I now understand how he does his test. I have a paper due for this class on Thursday, a review of an article dealing with early childhood development. I choose to do mine on Reactive Attachment Disorder, a topic I am interested in, so hopefully I can do a half way decent job of transmitting what I read to paper in a 3 page summary. I have a little confusion on how to set up the title page and the topic in the 1st page of the paper but a buddy of mine with a psyche degree is going to help me with it this afternoon. If I work hard enough I should be able to get a B out of this class. The computer class has been a bitch but not from the material, it uses a Microsoft Internet program via using Explorer for a browser. I would start doing the online course and get kicked out after completing one subsection making a real pain in the ass to do the work very fast. Yesterday I was using the college's remote website to do some stuff in Office 2010, I took a chance and clicked on Explorer via this site and to my great relief was able to do the work easier than using Explorer from my desktop, literally a thank you God.<br />
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Last weekend I was at the state AA area assembly. I thought I would be able to get some homework done in the evening but learned a lesson that I couldn't. The problem is I am really tired come Saturday night. I work Friday night until 11 which means I don't get to bed until around 1am, then up at 5:30am so I can pick up a guy and be on the road by 6:30am for the 2 hour drive to the assembly. Another thing is; assembly is a full day of meetings, some interesting some not, basically I was physically tired and mentally burned by 7:00pm. This is not a big deal, what happened was I learned to not count on being able to study when I have to attend assemblies, once a quarter.<br />
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Speaking of AA, our district treasury has too much money in it. At our district meeting we decided to spend some of the money on books for a local mental hospital, we bought 2 Big Books, 2 Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions and 4 of the easy to read Grapevine story compilation books. We bought a 2 year subscription of the Grapevine for the library. We are also going to buy some chicken and have a speaker meeting in October, this will also be a event where the area delegate gives his report from GSO. We have enough money to bring in a speaker from Omaha and pay her expenses; fuel and hotel.<br />
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Mich and the kids have officially moved out of my house. It has taken me a bit to not miss the kids being around and not to worry too much about their emotional well being. I still see them a few times a week, so we have quality time together. Mich seems to be doing well in her job and not missing work or being constantly late. The kids are in daycare and doing well. Mich is still drinking too much but that is out of my hands for now.<br />
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I have a new normal now. Since Mich and kids have left it is just the dog, the hell on wheels kitten and me. I now have a quiet house to study in, timing of Mich being forced to move out couldn't have been better. My grocery bill has decreased for the most part, still buy stuff for kids to eat for when they do come around. I am getting use to allocating my study time between my time off and what I can get done at work on the slow nights. I have made a commitment to 3 AA meetings a week and 1 NA. Still in the financial hole but slowly digging out.<br />
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I have made a change in my diet. I started to really evaluate my eating habits, the knowledge of being 50 in February made me step back and think about taking better care of myself for my family. I talked to a Nutritionist at the VA, she gave me some good tips on eating healthier on a budget. I have started buying more ground turkey and pork to use in curries and stir-fries, buying avocados for salads, using vinaigrette dressing on salads and whole grain pasta dishes instead of so much Ranch. I will buy a steamer soon for meat and vegetables as well. Like a lot of other things the willingness to change came when I was truly willing to change. It also helps not having my lovely grand kids and daughter in the house eating stuff I have bought just for me. By the way I don't do fish but am learning to cook chicken in more creative ways than frying it.<br />
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Life is good, work is good, recovery is good. I am in my 6th year of recovery and feel I have been given opportunities to apply the 6th step in the 6th year.<br />
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Peace Love Light<br />
Scott wolfie185http://www.blogger.com/profile/08113710218994046562noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3827246971084353723.post-70425609952558010532012-08-22T11:35:00.000-07:002012-08-22T11:35:24.850-07:00Because I am SoberHoly crap where has the time gone?? Seems like only a few weeks ago I was checking out the options for going to college and Monday I started classes!!<br />
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I graduated high school in 1981 and other than Air Force leadership schools, 2 a month long and 2 correspondence courses, plus my Air Force technical school I haven't had any formal schooling. My late teens and early 20's where nothing but alcoholic drinking, then I got sober, got married, had a little girl. I got out of the Air Force after 10 years and even though I continued on in the Air National Guard which would of paid for school, I was too busy working and eventually even worse drinking to even think about college. Truth of the matter is I was getting by without a college degree even after I got sober again. Now at the ripe old age of 49 and after year spent working in a factory doing work which was too physically demanding for me, a year in which I applied for and was passed over for management jobs, I am going to college for the first time in my life. <br />
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My sponsor asked me if I was excited? The answer is no, I am scared. Fear comes from self doubt, looking at the thick text books and thinking I have to know everything in them NOW. Fear of not being able to remember stuff, freaking dead brain cells from substance abuse. Financial fear for giving up at least 2 years of regular work for a part time job, students loans and hopefully next semester grants/scholarships.<br />
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Monday morning I was able to put things into perspective, to see going to school in a practical light which I could wrap my head around, to 'intuitively know how to handle situations which use to baffle us". I looked at college as just another job, my assignments are like work orders and reports which need to be done within a certain amount of time, my home is now my office and my free time is now my work hours, my instructors are my bosses and trainers. By viewing college this way I can relate it to life experiences, see how I have been here before. I know from past experiences in starting new jobs I am not expected to know everything all at once. I know enough and am humble enough to ask for help today. If I want to make a change in my life I need to take action and accept the challenges those actions bring with them.<br />
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I have a Beginning Writing class on Monday's and Wednesday's. I will not receive any credits toward my degree for this class. My Compass test scores were high enough that I didn't need to really take this class but I did so because my grammar isn't the best, as anyone who reads this blog can attest to. I wanted to make sure my writing was up to snuff so I wouldn't get dinged on assignments and term papers for shitty grammar. Also since I like to write taking this course will help in my personal life and down the road job wise. Beware this blog will be an outlet of this class, still reflective of recovery life but also applying what I am learning. <br />
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I have Intro to Business as a web based class. The community college here is a satellite college, they offer some classes as lectures and labs but the majority are web classes. I feel this class should come easy enough for me so I don't need to be in a class room for it. This is one of two classes where my house is my office. <br />
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I have Microcomputer Applications as another web based class. This class will further my knowledge of Microsoft Word, Excel, Publisher, plus teach me Power Point. I can navigate Word fairly well, know the basics of Excel and Publisher, know nothing about Power Point. This class is just a win, win all around.<br />
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My most challenging class will be Developmental Psychology which I have as a lecture on Thursday nights. I say this class will be the most challenging because even though I can comprehend the ideas, I may have a hard time remembering who wrote what. I read the first chapter and half of the second chapter at work, enjoyed what I read but got fearful over trying to remember all the information given. I hope my solution for this dilemma was the purchase of a small note book to write down important definitions, names and theories. One of my best friends got his masters degree in counseling so he will be a resource for me.<br />
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Because I am sober, I have the courage to change the things I don't like. I can see things in a new perspective. I can put my faith in a power greater than me, knowing with a bit of footwork I can accept my actions. I don't have worry about not comprehending my assignments because I am hungover. I can make it to class on time because I can get up in the morning feeling alive and refreshed. I won't put off assignments because drinking is more important and the notion there is always tomorrow. I can be self disciplined because I am aware of what I have invested in the change and also told enough people about who care enough for me to help keep me focused. I have mediation to calm my mind and bought some smooth jazz to listen while studying which helps block out other noises.<br />
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One a different note, my daughter has 3 weeks in which to be out of my house. She pissed of the landlords by not owning up to her responsibilities when it came to her being evicted from her apartment, not watching the kids close enough and choosing a girl to watch the kids who was not playing close enough attention to them either; kids have been allowed outside unsupervised on a few occasions unbeknown to me. I live on the bend of a busy street and the kids need supervised any time they go outside, Angel is pretty good about staying close to the house and not going in the street but Carter is Mr. Investigator, he will wander off to look at stuff or race his push car right out into the street. The kids can stay with me only if Mich gives me guardianship, as of right now she won't.<br />
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The landlord really did both of us a favor. Mich now has to figure out how to live without my support. She is kind of up a creek, she doesn't have the money to rent an apartment plus being evicted for 6 months back rent doesn't help. Her new boyfriend lives with his dad, doesn't have a job or drivers license. I really don't know what she is going to do and she hasn't talked about it since I told her she has to move.<br />
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I talked to an attorney about me filing for guardianship, he told as of right now a judge would side with her. He also told me to play close attention to her actions once she leaves, if she does not have a stable and safe environment for the kids then to call Child Protective Services. He said he feels the way she is going the kids will end up being wards of the state sooner or later at which time I will then be given guardianship. I don't like causing a big riff between Mich and me but I would rather have her mad at me than have the kids live an unstable life.<br />
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Because I am sober I can turn my daughter and grand babies over to my God. I can sit and watch to see what happens, know I have little control over a lot of what is going on. Because I am sober I have good people in my life to give me support, guidance and a swift kick in the butt when needed, instead of the few fair weather drinking friends I had in the past. I know I have said this in the past but because I am sober I can be here physically, emotional and spiritually for my grand babies and also my daughter.<br />
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Because I am sober I can live life on life's terms, fears and all. I have my struggles just like everyone else but I try to live the Steps, talk with others to the best of my ability contingent on my spiritual condition. I keep going to meetings, change my meeting schedule to fit my new life schedule. I go to meetings for newcomers and me, they help me and I might just once in awhile help them. <br />
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Well campers, I need to eat some lunch, then get ready for work. I am taking my computer textbook with me, Wednesday's, Monday's and Sunday's are pretty slow at the hotel so I have some time to study and read, thank you God for this job. <br />
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Peace Love Light<br />
Scottwolfie185http://www.blogger.com/profile/08113710218994046562noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3827246971084353723.post-5846262951855417002012-08-07T09:53:00.001-07:002012-08-07T10:55:59.623-07:00Pecking to be Pecking<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">“What I want to say is, we are all trying to get back home
inside, back in touch with something which means something which is love and
caring and that is what we have between us. It took me a long time to realize
everything else is a bunch of well something else. Cause for a long time all I
could remember to do was run away from myself and everyone who cared for me,
you know." Stevie Ray Vaughan </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
Independence<br />
We have to stay sober no matter how life treats us,<br />
no matter whether nonalcoholics appreciate our sobriety or not.<br />
We have to keep our sobriety independent of everything else,<br />
not entangled with any people,<br />
and not hedged in by any possible cop-outs or conditions. <br />
- Living Sober, p. 64</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
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I have been struggling with trying to change someone I can't, hoping a sick/irresponsible person will get responsible and grow up. I have allow her to effect my serenity. I tried doing some footwork to create change but she resisted the suggestions because she doesn't see how her actions are effecting her kids and me. She is just like her old man a few years back.<br />
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I wrote up a list of boundaries and expectations. I outlined what she needs to pay for living with me, when she has to be home so I don't miss my regular meetings and also things she needs to get done and to ask for help getting them done. I will also keep staying on top of this list, reminding her of things to make sure the important things don't get delayed whether she likes it or not. <br />
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Since I don't have any control over her all I can do is have my ducks in a row in case she messes up. I learned for the last episode, I know what has to be done if she gets in trouble again, I know exactly where to go to for legal assistance, what forms to be filled out and have authorized which will at least give me temporary guardianship of my grand babies. A good friend talked this over with me, he said all I can really do is sit back and see what happens. I pray also, I give my little ones love, support and guidance they need. <br />
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Deep inside I knew I couldn't force change, my concerned side was wanting to speed things up. When I sent a message to FB friends a couple of weeks ago it was written out of fear and the frustration the fear caused. With their mom staying out all night and not coming home until the afternoon I was fearful the little ones were not getting the love and attention they needed from their mom, Angel gets upset when mom isn't here, she is afraid mom won't come home again for a long time like before when she went to jail. I was frustrated/fearful because I have been spending a big part of my income on the kids and their mom, mom got things messed up again with HHS and benefits were dropped; no daycare, no insurance for the kids, no assistance with food. I was afraid mom's behavior would lead her back to jail or the hospital. I was frustrated that even though the little ones and I have a very strong and loving relationship, Papa shouldn't be the main one providing for their emotional needs. <br />
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Angel, 4 years old, has started calling me daddy on occasion. I think this may come from watching t.v. and seeing how most homes have a mommy and a daddy. She may be trying to make something non-traditional into something tradition according to what she is see in the world around her. <br />
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The money thing money has me a bit spooked. I try to be non-materialistic and not selfish, to not get wrapped up in what I am spending. The kids always have food which usually includes a weekly treat purchase, like fruit gummies, cantaloupe, peaches, etc. I have cut out bottled water, replaced it with 2 plastic jugs of water in the frig, we where going through a couple of cases a week. I started getting movies for Angel and me at the library, instead of Redbox. I also got out my old cigarette making devise to make my own smokes for around the house, I know I should stop all together but not in the right place to surrender. I have processed my needs and wants; been craving old David Bowie, Hunky Dory and Ziggy Stardust, both of which I had on vinyl, put both albums on the want list until things get better, using YouTube to get my fix. Having said all this I am grateful I have a home, can pay my bills, put gas in my truck and keep it insured. I am just going through a financial change do to my own actions; quiting my full time job to pursue a higher education, in time everything will become normal, the change is just stressful right now. <br />
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I have been working on my fears and frustrations with others. I share about them in general in meetings, talking about the importance of the steps and how they have helped me look at fear, what my part is and how I am not letting the fear become overwhelming, fear is present but not overwhelming. I have also use living in the moment quite a bit, doing what is in front of me and tackling a job at home which I have put off to keep me busy. It has taken a few 24 hours but I finally reached the point of surrender. I don't like drama and calamity and in true alcoholic fashion was looking for a quick fix not via booze or drugs but through other people and meetings. I acknowledge I was given another opportunity for growth. Through this challenge I was able to come home again, to get out of self, to see how I got into self, to stop worrying about the little ones and just give them what they need without the fear of what their mother is doing. <br />
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I have been working on this post for about a week, I am watching kids on the days mom works and even when she doesn't they are by my side, which is wonderful most of the time. Mom did give me part of her paycheck, which went to pay for an increased phone/Internet bill. Mom dropped the BF in South Carolina so I don't have to worry about her taking the kids out of state to live with a guy she hasn't seen in 5 years, who doesn't have a full time job, I had a feeling this would happen but still had things laid out to try and keep kids from moving just in case, she could go if she wanted, see how things worked out then in 6 months if all was good come get kids. She has a new BF, another loser in my opinion but it is her life. I talked to about this with a couple of old timers, who said they think she picks up guys in need of mothering so she doesn't have to look at herself and her own short comings. Once again the apple didn't fall too far from the tree.<br />
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My work schedule has changed, the other person who works the evening shift needs Friday evenings free; she is taking an internship on Fridays and cannot commit to being at work by 3pm. I will be working Monday, Wednesday, Friday, have Saturdays off and we will alternate Sundays. This change in schedule helps out both her income and mine, instead of only working 2 days a week every other week, we both get 3 days regularly plus an added day every other week. I really enjoy working the hotel, talking to guest, making sure they enjoy their stay, selling the hotel to guest so we get good marks and return customers, playing the sly businessman who says "well how about I take $5.00 off the room rate," we get the sale and the guest is happy. With the exception of Friday nights, I will have some dead time to study; once I get towels folded, spot clean main areas, I walk around the hotel a few times a night to make sure everything looks good. The computer program came easy to me, doesn't take me much time to navigate it or find billing errors. The phone system can still kick my ass at times, mainly when I have 2 calls at once and have to interrupt one call to take another, I have to get over feeling like I am being rude to one customer in order to take a call from another. <br />
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All in all everything is going well or as it should be. I know things always work out if I put a little faith in Divine Providence. When I do this gig called life, one day at a time, I reap the benefits of the steps, I stay on the Middle Path. I need shaken up from time to time, it keeps me from getting complacent, teaches me new things, keeps me teachable, makes damn sure I use the spiritual tool kit and connect with others instead of trying to fly solo which is what I did in the past. <br />
<br />
I am speaking out of town on Saturday, old friend of mine from here asked me to speak at her home group picnic in a town about 150 miles away. I have 3 buddies going with me for the road trip, old time AA at it's finest. I have pondered for a month what I was going to talk about. I now know I will talk about how a chronic drunk has found sobriety and has faced a lot of challenges in the 5-1/2 years he has been sober and stayed sober. I will share about overcoming the stigma of being a non-Christian in meetings which are dominated by Christians who sometimes forget what the BB and traditions say. I will talk about the deaths, the lost of jobs, the changes I done intentionally and those I had no control over. I will talk about the Solution, how it applies to my alcoholism and life in general. I will most definately praise how the obcession to drink has been lifted, now it is still mind boggling how this has happened, especially during challenging times.<br />
<br />
Thanks for reading this long babble. Hope all of you are doing well with what life is giving you. Hope you are coming home to the you inside. <br />
<br />
Peace Love Light<br />
<br />
p.s. I re-enrolled in the VA for health care, last week I went of my check up. In 2009, last time I had a check with them, I had high blood pressure, 3 years later my blood pressure is good. I credit this to learning to live in the now and keep the stress in perspective. I still smoke a pack a day, have cut my coffee intake down to 1 pot a day, don't really exercise, still use salt because my taste buds are shot due to smoking. The only thing which has really changed is drinking more water and really learning to live life on life's terms. Not saying I need to continue the bad habits, I turn 50 next year and really have to make some health changes, my sponsor tells me to just keep praying for the willingness. I trust her, she has been smoke free for over 15 years. <br />
<br />
<br /></div>wolfie185http://www.blogger.com/profile/08113710218994046562noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3827246971084353723.post-78752982924907284262012-07-18T22:12:00.001-07:002012-07-18T22:12:21.967-07:0012 Promises for NewcomersI saw this on a AA Facebook group I subscribe to and thought it was good enough to share. <br />
<br />
<span class="messageBody" data-ft="{"type":3}"><div class="text_exposed_root text_exposed">
‎12 PROMISES FOR BEGINNERS<br /> <br /> 1. You will know your full name and address.<br /> <br /> 2. You will be able to shave yourself, or put on your makeup, whichever pleases you.<br /><span class="text_exposed_hide">...</span><span class="text_exposed_show"> <br /> 3. You will be able to dress and undress yourself.<br /> <br /> 4. You will know the town, the state, and the country you live in.<br /> <br /> 5. You will be able to find socks that match, or nylons without runs.<br /> <br /> 6. You will be able to smoke without burning yourself, your clothes, or the furniture.<br /> <br /> 7. You will lose the fear of food.<br /> <br /> 8. You will be able to walk a straight line and pass the drunk driving test.<br /> <br /> 9. You will spend less time in the bathroom and be able to brush your teeth without gagging<br /> <br /> 10. You will lose the fear of police cars.<br /> <br /> 11. You will be able to answer the door without having to look through the peephole.<br /> <br /> 12. You will realize what a hell of a mess you were, and thank God for A.A</span></div>
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<span class="text_exposed_show"></span> </div>
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<span class="text_exposed_show"></span> </div>
<div class="text_exposed_root text_exposed">
<span class="text_exposed_show">All is well here and hope all is well there. </span></div>
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<span class="text_exposed_show"></span> </div>
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<span class="text_exposed_show">Peace Love Light </span></div>
</span>wolfie185http://www.blogger.com/profile/08113710218994046562noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3827246971084353723.post-22860606364320505732012-07-13T12:43:00.000-07:002012-07-13T12:43:59.356-07:00Addiction Kills!!Hi All <br />
<br />
The job at the hotel seems like a keeper, catching on fairly quick, just need to get faster at putting people into the computer and working multiple incoming calls. Also Mich and the kids are doing well, she is working and seems to like the work and is taking her responsibilities more seriously. <br />
<br />
I found out this morning a friend in the fellowship died yesterday, she was 41 or 42. I will call her H, she was a nurse by profession who lost her license over 6 years ago for taking drugs from the hospital. Just last year she was busted again for prescription drug abuse and spent 6 months in county jail. It appears she had an accidental overdose, they found her dead in her car in a parking lot, she had been using again, so maybe the combination of heat and drugs caused her death. <br />
<br />
I don't believe there is such a thing as accidental overdose really, I use the word here because she didn't intentionally commit suicide. Anytime an addict or alcoholic uses we are a risk of dying. If I drink or use again I know the risk of death, the disease will tell me different but the truth is deep down I know I am playing with fire, every junkie and drunk does, they just choose to ignore the voice of reason, to give in to the little voice which says it won't hurt and will feel better, for crying out loud I just need and little relief from all this stress. <br />
<br />
I don't know why H continued to play with fire, she had all the tools and had a very good support system available. She had some very good periods of sobriety, periods where she was happy and free and enjoying life. <br />
<br />
When anyone who has been in recovery for awhile, been to a lot of meetings, had a sponsor, worked the steps and then dies from addiction or alcoholism the only things which come to mind willingness, and get honestly humble. <br />
<br />
The people I know and have known who are able to maintain sobriety, one day at a time and who have a daily reprieve from the compulsion to drink and use are those who are willing to go to any length to maintain their sobriety and inter peace. Willing to admit they are totally beaten by drugs and alcohol, willing to ask for help, willing to go to meetings, willing to open up continually to another person and themselves about what is going on in their lives. <br />
<br />
These people have also become humble, humble enough to know they are not the center of the universe, accept there is a power greater than themselves. Humble enough to reach out to another for help. Humble enough to admit a; liquid, powder, pill, herb, something they can flush down the toilet has incredible power over them. We have to know and accept that something so small can destroy our lives, we have to concede to our enter most selves we will never be able use or drink again without some form of destruction happening. <br />
<br />
I was talking yesterday before the meeting to a friend about another person who went out, someone who has been in and out of the rooms for years. We both talked about willingness and how we as individuals are powerless over having someone find willingness. The old saying, "you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink" is so true.<br />
<br />
It is sad when someone dies from addiction, My ex-wife killed herself because she couldn't handle reality and because she couldn't beat her addiction to pharmaceutical drugs. I have known people who died because have taken mood stabilizers with alcohol, taken that one too many something they had done it the past yet survived, car wrecks, liver shutting down, the list goes on. <br />
<br />
I hope H's death isn't in vane. I know it will be talked about in meetings and rightly so. Everyone, newcomers and those who have a number of one day at a times added up need to understand how serious our disease is and how important it is to do something about it, whether it is AA, NA or not. <br />
<br />
I am grateful I found a God of my understanding, grateful I made it back into the rooms after 10 years of insane drinking mixed with drug use, I was playing Russian Roulette too. I am grateful I am willing to work the steps daily, willing to go to meetings, willing to talk to others and be of service, Just for today my obsession to drink and use has been removed. I am grateful I got to know H, we were not close but she left an imprint on my life. <br />
<br />
We never know when our last day on earth will be. I hope my last day will be a sober one. As a friend and sister in recovery says, hope you stay sober and sane. <br />
<br />
Peace Love Lightwolfie185http://www.blogger.com/profile/08113710218994046562noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3827246971084353723.post-1444870272636014132012-06-30T07:49:00.002-07:002012-06-30T07:49:57.724-07:00Good Karma or the God/Goddess/Divine Smiles on US<br />
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Hi all! <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I picked Mich up from jail at 11:30
Wednesday morning. All of us were glad she was home. The last couple of days of
having the kids on my own were very stressful, nothing they did but papa was
just exhausted from chasing after them, correcting them, or having one of them
under his feet at all times. Working outside in the heat didn't help matters
and oh yeah my Surburban broke down to boot. </span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p> </o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Mich had plenty of energy from
sitting in jail for 5 weeks to thoroughly clean my house, which I appreciated.
I tried to keep up on the house work but by the time I got off of work the best
I could do was cook supper, wash dishes, laundry, pick up the floor, too tired to vacuum and
mop. She is better at working with kids under feet than I am. The kids treat
her different than me, even though I was acting in the parent role, I am still
papa, the one who gives them his attention when they want it. They don't demand
the attention from their mom the way they do me, part of this is papa has had a
habit of giving them what they want fairly easily, where mom says no much more.</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I have hit a meeting every day since
she has been home, much needed time to sit and listen plus give back what was
given to me. Yesterday, not 1 but 2 guys asked me to be their sponsor, they both
said they liked what I shared in the meeting. Both are on court cards, mandatory
meeting attendance. I shared in the meeting the only way to achieve long term
sobriety and find contentment and a form of easy in living sober was to get a
sponsor and work the steps, in my opinion. I shared, steps 1, 2 and 3 weren't
that hard to do on my own and I survived on them but it was working the rest of
the steps with a sponsor which really change my life and allowed me to accept
life on life’s terms. I shared what has worked for me and also what has worked
for anyone who is happy in recovery. Both guys said they are ready for a change
and need help, both are tired of living the life they have been living and want
to be sober and learn to live comfortably in recovery. I accepted being their
sponsor but the rest is up to them, they both have Big Book's, so now it is up
to them to come to me and start working the steps via the Big Book and the 12
and 12. If I can help these guys in any way to stay sober then it is my
responsibility to do so, to pass on what was freely given to me, it isn't about
me, it is about sharing the message the way the Big Book talks about. I hope at
least one of them follows through for selfish reasons; it has been quite a few
years since I took someone through the steps and doing this helps me as much as
them. </span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p> </o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Mich starts work on Monday. She will
be working with mentally challenged people, assisting them on a daily bases
with their special needs. This is regular job with day time hours so she can
keep the kids in daycare. One of the things I told her when she got out was she
needed to find a job that worked with daycare hours because the kids needed to
stay in daycare plus she wouldn't have the hassle of finding someone to watch
them in the evenings. She had this job lined up prior to getting busted but
wasn't sure it would still be there for her, one of her friends works there.
The job will be a very good experience for her; they will provide the training
she needs. I am glad she found a job and one not as a waitress, she needs to
expand her horizons. Also part of our new deal is she starts paying rent; this
helps her be responsible plus takes a chunk of the financial burden off of me. </span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p> </o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">My job has been very iffy, pretty
much on a week to week bases. They didn't tell me when I took the job that it
might not last through the summer. Once the all the corn was emptied from the
big outside bunkers, it freed up a couple of people to help out around the
elevator, thus taking some work away from me. I probably would have been let go
last week but 1 guy was fired for lying about a safety issue. We haven't been
overly busy so my missing work hasn't been a problem, thank God I was working
here when the stuff with Mich went down and not at the factory, I would have
been really up shit's creek at the factory.</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p> </o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Because there hasn't been any guarantee
of how long I would have a job I have been job hunting again. I can't get a
regular full time job because I start college on August 20th. I have been
checking out hotels for front desk help, I have worked convenience stores
before but prefer not to go there because of the clientele, sorry but selling
alcohol and lottery tickets to people who don't need them is something I
would just as soon not do again, not saying I won't but I want to try other
avenues first. I applied for and got a job working at a newly remodel hotel. I
will be working 3pm to 11pm, 3 to 5 days a week, every other weekend off. I knew
by working in a hotel I would be sacrificing my weekends so was pleased that
this hotel has you work every other weekend. On my short weeks I will see if I
can pick up some hours helping maintenance. I have a friend who does
landscaping and she has offered to pay me cash to assist her on occasion so
that will be a bit extra too plus Mich paying her way now helps, sorry got off
the beaten path. Another reason for hotel work is it fits with my college
classes and meetings. I like working with people, have experience with people
of different backgrounds and geographical locations, know the needs of business
people from years as a buyer, I have lived here for years and know the best
places to eat that are not a national chain, know out of the way things to see
and do if people are looking for something different. So anyhow I was smiled
upon, I found a job before I was laid off and desperate for work.</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p> </o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">With my whole job thing, I am
putting a lot of faith in my God's hands/branches by quitting the regular
workforce and going to college in hopes of a better future. Two to four years
of college and not having a normal 40-50 hour a week job seems like a hell've
a long time and quite honestly it is scary. I see the smaller paychecks and get
nervous but know with the right footwork I will be alright. I am receiving a
work study grant, it pays me $1250.00 for 10 hours a week doing whatever is
assigned for me at the college, this is per semester, plus I have my student
loans which will be put in savings to help out if need be. Once I get use to
the routine I will be alright, it is just a matter of getting used to living on
smaller means. I know deep in my heart going to college and getting a degree is
the best thing I can do, it will hopefully pay off in the long run. I have some
good people on my side making sure I stay focused and chilling the fears. </span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p> </o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Sunday J and I are taking a road
trip to a lake north of here to check out camping and what there is to do in
the area if we go there camping; it is a reason to get out of the house, chill
with a good recovery friend. J found out you can rent a livestock tank; the
tanks are about 30 inches deep and 12-15 feet across, look one up on line to
see what I am talking about if you need a better picture, for $75. What you do
is, 5 people get in the tank with a cooler and float down the river; it is a
really cool and relaxing way to spend time with nature and friends, like tubing
but different. I know of an old army outpost in the area too, J and I are going
to swing by it to see if it would be of interest to our group. We probably
won't take the camping trip until August but part of the fun is checking out
the local and what there is to do. </span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Angel turns 4 on the 4th of July,
not doing a big party this year, I will take her to the parade in my home town
so she can get candy and see the horses, probably have cake and ice cream in
the afternoon. J and his wife are having some of their close friends over for a
cookout, J bought a new grill and is all about using it:-) I will spend the
evening with them; see if they are alright with Mich and the kids coming over
later to shoot off fireworks with us. </span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p> </o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Well campers this is all for now. I
survived and was given a few gifts in return for putting the needs of the kids
ahead of my own, this isn't something I had to make a mental choice to do, I
just did it because that was what was in front of me to do. I couldn't have
done any of this if it wasn't for being sober and love and support of friends
both in and out of recovery. </span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p> </o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Hope you all have a wonderful 4th of
July, whether you are American or not. </span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p> </o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Peace Love Light <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Scott <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>wolfie185http://www.blogger.com/profile/08113710218994046562noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3827246971084353723.post-92083905930246470932012-06-23T18:52:00.001-07:002012-06-23T18:52:15.976-07:00What a Challenge<br />
Hey all!! Angel is pretend reading Grapevines to Carter, they are sitting in
Carter's crib, surrounded by Grapevines and being good for the moment. <o:p></o:p><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
I received a big kick in the groin on Wednesday; Mich has to serve another
week in jail. They didn't tell her until Wednesday morning, shock to both of us
because she was ready to get out and so was I for different reasons. They gave
her 7 more days for probation neglect/violation. What messed me up was not
having childcare lined up for Thursday and Friday. Thanks to whatever Divine
Karmic force there is, 2 people helped me out and I was able to work full days.
<o:p></o:p><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
I wasn't given assistance for 40 hours of daycare but Mich was given 20
hours for job searching and the daycare I put the kids in said they would use
her assistance from HHS. This has allowed me to work plus a friend has helped
some and Carter's dad took the kids for a few days too. I have been able to
work only 30 hours last couple of weeks but at least it is money coming in. The
daycare has been very good for both kids. Angel really likes it even though it
is a battle every morning when I drop her off; she is not a morning person for
1 and I think she still has fears about being left and not being picked back
up. Carter is being good at daycare and they love him, think having a confined
space helps him from getting into stuff; he only has so much stuff he can mess
with. <o:p></o:p><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
I have to admit these 4 weeks have been a big challenge to my sanity and
serenity. Both kids are a handful for different reasons. Carter has a very
limited attention span and further more is very bull headed. He is very persistent
about doing what he wants to do when he wants to do it. I have tried a variety
of things to discipline him, holding him down in time out, setting him in his
crib, I have been upset enough to pop him on the butt or thigh and all to no
avail. The biggest problems with him are getting into the fridge, messing with
the stove, getting mad and hitting, throwing food on the floor. I have gotten
after him more times than I can count on these things and he still does them. <o:p></o:p><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Angel minds better but with her our fights are over how she handles the
kitty, plus sassing back. Time out works with her but I have lost my temper on
how she has handles the kitty. <o:p></o:p><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Getting the kitty at this time wasn't one of my brighter ideas. I found the
kitten via a Facebook for sale group. The kitten came from a farm which to me
means mama was a good varmint catcher which is what I wanted for hopefully
getting rid of the mice. He is a sweet little guy very playful. He made himself
right at home, no crying at night, used the litter box right away and didn't
hiss at the dog. Over the last few days the kitty and dog have become best of
friends, running around the house playing together, I have had to move them off
my bed because they want to play on the bed when I am trying to go to sleep at
night. Another reason for wanting a young kitten was I figured the dog would
accept it easier than I older cat and vise a versa. The kitten is also very
good with the kids, hasn't swatted them for how they carry him.<o:p></o:p><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
I have been hitting a meeting here and there and talk to my sponsor every
couple of days. My bits of frustration only last a few minutes, well maybe 15
or so, they come and go. I am not stressed all the time just moments when I
need some me time and either one or both of the kids is in need or want of
attention. I do understand part of their acting out in negative ways is because
they miss their mom and don't know how to express their feelings. Carter is
fine going with his dad but Angel has mixed emotions, she expresses in her own
little way she would rather stay with papa. <o:p></o:p><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
I have tried to express to Mich how much of a strain her not following
probation and the judge’s orders have placed on the kids and me but I doubt she
really understands. It took me working really working the steps to fully
comprehend the impact my actions had on others. <o:p></o:p><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
There have been many lessons learn for both Mich and me during this time. I
expect her to get a job once she gets out, one where the hours are the same as
daycare, so the kids get the benefit of it. She needs to file for custody of
Carter and also make me Power of Attorney. I can't control her actions but I
can set up some rules for her to follow if she lives here. I found out just how
much she was dragging her feet on the HHS assistance or just plan out
bullshitting me. There is still a part of me that takes it easier on her than I
should at certain times due to my actions when I was an active drunk. I need
things like this to happen to make me work on me. <o:p></o:p><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
I am doing my best breathe campers. I appreciate the time I have to do just
a bit for me, whether it is a meeting, talking to my sponsor, hitting the store
alone. I am thankful for the people who have helped me through this, those who
have stepped up and taken care of the kids for me, my niece has really been
there to allow me time for meetings and a bit of me time, helps she is in
recovery and understands what I really need. I appreciate the new Joe Walsh
album which has a few songs about recovery and gratitude on it, I appreciate
Pink Floyd Echoes album which just flat out allows me to drift into another
world, music more than the words have a real calming effect on me. <o:p></o:p><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
I am really using the 3rd step, understand what I have control over and what
I don't. I haven't craved a drink or drug since this all started and that my friends
are a wonderful thing. The 3rd step has always been a learning process for me.
I have faced a lot of challenges in recovery, every time accepted the things I
couldn't, changed those I could, knew the difference and trusted the God of my
understanding, by doing this my serenity has stayed fairly well intact. I hate
having my Yin and Yang out of balance, I use the tool kit of recovery and the
teachings of the Buddha to bring the balance back, isn't always easy and sometimes
I have to swallow my pride and ask for help but I feel wonderful when I am at
peace inside and out. <o:p></o:p><br />
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Well the reading of the Grapevine lasted 5 minutes; I am finishing this at
8:30 at night. Thanks for your prayers and positive energy. I wish all of you
the best on your journey. Love ya<o:p></o:p><br />
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Peace Love Light <o:p></o:p><br />
<br />
Scott <o:p></o:p><br />
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<br /></div>wolfie185http://www.blogger.com/profile/08113710218994046562noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3827246971084353723.post-4069823085601742042012-05-23T18:59:00.001-07:002012-05-23T18:59:36.690-07:00On top and in the windHey all, this will be short but wanted to share. This morning I was up inside the elevator cleaning, climbing the steel ladders came much easier, was even able to carry broom up a level with me. On the 2nd to the top level you lift off a manhole like cover and sweep the dust and corn into a deep dark hole, this was very un-nerving the first few time a couple of weeks ago, the pitch blackness topped with knowing it is a 100ft drop, today I manuever the covers with little fear. I was told I needed to go outside and clean the top of the annex, the annex is reached by walking across a 50ft catwalk, think of a narrow bridge across a deep gorge like in the movies. The annex itself is 3 concrete bins, 10 stories above the ground. I was able to walk across the catwalk, carrying a broom and a shovel without too much fear. I was able to get comfortable fairly soon, walked around a bit, looked at the town all to get relaxed, by the time I was done I was up against the rail pushing bits of corn over the edge. Oh I forgot to mention the wind was blowing about 20mph. <br />
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I have been doing some prayer and mediation on this fear of heights and it is paying off. I have asked for strength to handle the heights when the occasion to work outside finally came around. I have mediated on focusing to be in the moment and the task at in front of me. I honestly believe the prayer and mediation worked, I tapped into an inter source of strength, tapped into being mindful of my surroundings, breathed myself into calmness and did the job I was assigned and paid to do. Thank you God I am no longer coming to work hungover or still intoxicated!<br />
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Just thought I would let you all know I was walking around outside 10 stories above the ground and I did it without freezing up or soiling my jeans;) <br />
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Peace Love Light <br />
Scott <br />
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P.S. see Kristin I can write a short post:)wolfie185http://www.blogger.com/profile/08113710218994046562noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3827246971084353723.post-7787344494170831782012-05-20T11:43:00.001-07:002012-05-20T11:43:16.068-07:00Happiness/ Inter-Peace<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Sitting here this fine Saturday morning, just Carter and me, Mich took Angel with her to a friends last night and hasn't come home yet. Carter is being good as long as I keep the vanilla wafers coming:) Since I wrote the first sentence; we have played with a ball, airplane, watched blues videos on YouTube and taken a shower/bath, taking a bath is Carter's 2nd favorite thing to do after eating, he is now laying in his room talking to himself, he will doze off shortly. <br />
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Work is going well, managed to get just over 40hrs last week and 39.5 this week. We had hellish winds Thursday and Friday. I have been working out and around the open bulk storage bunkers, the 40mph gust were threatening to blow my 155lb butt over a few times plus I was covered in dust from head to toe; Thursday when I got out of the shower I looked in the mirror and notice I still had dust caked in the folds of my ears. I have used a shovel and hoe quite a bit, hammer and crow bar to pull 2x4's and remove nails, plus the weed trimmers, I come home sore and tired. But you know what campers, I still like this job! I enjoy the lack of heavy pressure, my co-workers all tell me to just keep myself busy, stop take a break, drink some water if I need to, grab a quick smoke every couple of hours which is another way of resting the muscles. The supervisors are around but not over your shoulder or micro-managing your work.<br />
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I see lots of toads and mice, saw my first rat yesterday it was running across the big pile of corn. I saw a baby bunny no bigger than a hamster the other day, I was trimming, stopped and told it to move along so it wouldn't get hurt, just stood there for a moment and watched it's brown body slowly hop away. I see lots of worms and birds, talk to both of them and play the devil's advocate, warn the worms of the birds and tell the birds have fun searching for the big fat worms. I keep waiting to see a bull snake, they are prairie constrictors who feed on mice, rats and small prairie animals, I think we may be too close to town for their satisfaction. I would like to catch a few bull snakes and try to get them to live around my trailer for mice control but now have my doubts. I will be going to the animal shelter next week to get a half way grown kitten to see if that helps with the mouse problem. No matter how hard I try I can't get ride of the mice, I catch 4 and 4 more show up, the grain storage building behind my house is the biggest contributor to this challenge. <br />
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Thursday night my sponsor celebrated 30 years of sobriety, there was a roast pork/potluck supper followed by a meeting for him. I have a lot of love and respect for this man. He took me through the steps, was there for me when Mich was getting into trouble and eventually had to go into a group home. He is big time involved in state level service work, currently he is the state delegate and just returned from GSO in New York. He has guided me in service work, showing me it is about service to AA and not service to me, introduced me to others and helped me get over being shy in large gatherings. He has always told me to try and understand what things mean to me, whether it is a passage from the Big Book, discussion during a service meeting, life experiences etc. Over the last couple of years we haven't had much contact with each other due our work schedules, he is a counselor in a halfway house. When he was in his late 40's he went from being a farmer to a college student, so he was an example for me when I made my decision. We have reunited lately because I am back in state level service work and also my work schedule is such that I can attend more meetings so see him at meetings. He lives recovery, he admits what he is doing wrong and talks about what he needs to do better. He is spiritual and religious but never talks about his religion unless asked, allows others for follow their own path. I was blessed to have him as the man who guide me in my first couple of years in recovery. <br />
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I rode to the celebration with my 2nd sponsor as irony would have it. This is the woman who I am doing a Big Book study with and going through the steps again with. She became my sponsor because I saw her every Sunday morning at my home group, would talk to her and when I had a challenge call her because since she is retired I could usually reach her. I share a lot of things in common with her so find her easy to talk to the everyday stuff which gets on my nerves, she is another liberal person living in a pretty hard core conservative area. I will be finishing my 4th step tomorrow and do a 5th step either this Monday or the next. This 4th step is about relationships I have had in recovery, I don't have any resentments but I do need to look closely at the different relationships and also the hurt I allowed my sister in recovery to create within me. I can analyze what I think my part in the relationships are but believe doing a 4th and 5th step with an objective person is healthy. Another thing about this woman is; it has been very helpful to sit down and talk with someone once a week face to face. I am not a good over the phone person whether it is with a sponsor or friend, kind of suck at talking like this but face to face I open up. If I am hurting or confused about something and I need to talk to someone Now, I will make a phone call but still prefer to see someone face to face as soon as I can. I am not keen on taking online classes for this same reason, would much rather a personal interaction than an electronic one. <br />
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So it is now Sunday morning, Mich and the kids spent the night at her friends. I am sure living here is a bit of a burden for her because her friends can't come around and drink. I don't mind her drinking as long as the kids are safe. I have to trust her and God that they will not be put in harms way. If anything bad does happen then I just have grab the big bag of tools and do my best with the assistance of others to get through it all. <br />
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Last night there was another potluck and speaker gathering, it at guys place in the country west of town. I had planned on going, I got in the truck started driving west, something about driving and listening to some good music changed my mind. I felt the need to just drive and listen to music, I needed to be alone in a round about way. I say round about because I wasn't alone, I had Stevie Ray, Steve Earle and Bob Weir with me, I had my God with me. I took off on the back roads, driving about 55mph, opened my mind and eyes to the beautiful countryside. I got off the paved road and on a gravel road which runs along the Platte river, I was hoping to see some eagles but never did. I was at peace just tooling along the roads with good music playing but not aggressively loud. I like social gatherings but God was calling me to the road, back to my roots of fields and pastures, back to a shallow river winding along a gravel road, washboards and all.<br />
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I have been hitting the 5:15pm meeting at least 3 times a week, I get off at 4:30 so by the time I get to town it is meeting time. I have always enjoyed the 5:15 meeting, it is a place to gather with me like me, people seeking the same solution to the challenges in life. My other 2 meetings are my home group and the Saturday noon 12 and 12. I thought I would be going to 8pm meetings but with getting up at 5:45am I am tired and ready for bed by 9pm or 10pm at the latest. I is a pleasure to be able to hit meetings again, to interact with newcomers and people who have been around awhile. I am making some new friends and reached out to a couple of new guys who were hurting. We can only keep what we have by passing it on and everyone needs to know they are not alone or others have felt the same pain. <br />
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I checked my favorite blogs this morning and read <a href="http://octoberonine.blogspot.com/">http://octoberonine.blogspot.com/</a>, she titled her post Happiness, I was going to change the title of this post but have decided not to, so E here is my comment back to you my friend. <br />
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I titled this Happiness/Inter-peace because this is what happiness is all about to me. It is the simple things in life, it is contentment in the mundane ordinary ups and downs in life. Even when I wasn't content with my job I found inter-peace, I found the inter-peace in just living the life which is in front of me. The good in life always out weighs the bad if we have the awareness to look for it. I have stuff going on right now which makes me a bit uncomfortable but who doesn't. Recovery has opened my mind and eyes, the spiritual awakening is seeing life in a different way. I don't like being too high or low, I like my Yin and Yang to be in balance. When the Yin and Yang get out of balance the HP nudges me to do something, like keep on driving past a social event and look at the world out my window, so smell the rain, the plants, to see things I sometimes missed when I was trapped in my addiction. I was a nature freak in my addiction too but my vision was blurred, I would see nature for a bit then it was gone because my brain would go to the dark place of self pity and despair. <br />
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The Big Book has helped my see the world around me but so have books by the Dalai Lama and Thich Nhat Hanh. Having said this; I can read all I want but unless I put the words into action I am still stuck in my own pile of shit. I can have faith in my God all I want but unless I do some footwork God will not show me the things I need to see nor hear the things I need to hear. <br />
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In each thing I wrote about there is happiness and inter-peace because I was present for each and everyone. At this mornings meeting we talked about ththise common solution which has given us a way out. I have found it is from common solution I find peace and happiness. <br />
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Well campers I need to wash up yesterdays dishes, then I am helping a friend move. Hope all of you are well and know you are loved. <br />
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Peace Love Light<br />
Scottwolfie185http://www.blogger.com/profile/08113710218994046562noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3827246971084353723.post-81025217545001445932012-05-05T07:52:00.000-07:002012-05-05T07:52:25.655-07:00A Week in the Sun<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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This isn't exactly like the elevator I am working at but it is close enough to give you an idea of what I will be talking about. <br />
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I started work on Monday, the morning was spent watching training and safety videos. After lunch the production supervisor who will be my boss took me on a tour of the plant and grounds. When I did the interview with the plant manager, he never mentioned there would be times when I would be asked to assist in cleaning the elevator from top to bottom. We first went to the shop, it was nice and organized, next we went to the elevator, my boss asked me if I was afraid of heights, well yeah I am kind of:( Side note; If you don't know it, corn dust is very explosive, so federal regulations require there be no more than an 1/8 of an inch anywhere inside of the elevator. Inside the elevator there are large tubes which transfer grain from various bins, also different pits and machines used for taking grain in and out of the elevator. We ended up at almost the very top of the elevator outside on the platforms, this is where the fear of heights kicks in, we had to climb some ladders made with round steel bars which for me are less secure feeling than wide step ladder rungs, there are cages around these ladders for safety though. On one platform there is a machine which vibrates shaking cobs, dirt clods and other debris from the corn before it is sent down a chute to be loaded on a truck, picture me standing on a 15ft by 6ft platform with only a guard rail between me and the ground some 200ft below. We also crossed a 30ft cat walk from the main bins to annex bins. So here I was walking around the top of a grain elevator probably 10 stories above the ground, checking out conduit and being shown how to clean up spills when the conduit leaks, we found one conduit where a bolt had broke through leaving a pile of corn, so it need fixed and clean in the very near future, my mind goes shit will I be up here tomorrow cleaning this up. <br />
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Driving home Monday my thoughts were turning to "what have I got myself into"? If I would have been told I would need to clean on top of the elevator and annex bins on occasion I might not of been so eager to accept the job. <br />
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Here is how the God of my understanding works in my life. I have been seeing my sponsor on Tuesday's, listening to Joe and Charlie review the Big Book and going through the steps. With my new hours Tuesday evenings won't work for her, so we changed it to Monday. I got to her house told her about the job and my day, had a good laugh over the height thing, yes there is a beautiful view of Gibbon and the surround country side but the view wasn't completely on my mind while I was up there even though I did look around. The section of the Big Book we listened to was the section on fear as it applies to the 4th step. You got it, just what I needed to hear. The solution to fear, is prayer and mediation. You would think I know this which I do but it wasn't in the forefront of my mind, so God gave me this reminder, every morning on the way to work I have prayed for strength to overcome this fear, to be aware of all the safety devices installed which keep me safe and the knowledge in time I will be walking around up there like a pro. I haven't been on top of the elevator since so not sure how the pray and mediation is going to work out:) <br />
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Tuesday, Wednesday and 1/2 of Thursday I spent with a gas powered weed eater over my shoulder. The plant has 2 large corn bunkers like the one in the picture, huge corn piles surround by a wall, there are also 3 large steel buildings east of town which hold grain during harvest. My job was to trim away all the weeds from the edges plus any areas which couldn't be taken care of by a mower. I suppose the trimmer weighs about 20lbs, my arms, hands and wrist were sore by the end of the day but I didn't mind, I was so grateful to be out of manufacturing and basking in the sunlight of the Spirit.<br />
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My awareness kicked in right off the bat. I notice the different types of plants, how some grow on the north side and others on the south side, noticed their color, fragrance if any, I chopped up a small patch of wild marijuana of which I still love the smell of. I thought about the Native Americans, I wondered which plants they used for food, medicine or other things, one plant has tough fibers so I wondered if they used the fibers like thread. I took in the smells, the smell of corn took me back to the years spending time on my uncles farm which was a mile away from our home. My boss called the smell of wet rotting grain a horrible stench but to me it was full of memories of a simpler time and place, the days of the small family farmer, of feeding corn to cattle and hogs. <br />
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This week it has been hot and muggy, high humidity and no rain except for .20 inches Wednesday night but I was enjoying every minute of it. The trimmer has plastic blades which need replaced once they are worn down, between replacing the blades and refilling the gas tank I was able to take small breaks, drink some water and rest my arms, God was looking out for me campers. <br />
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Thursday I was sent home shortly after lunch because there wasn't any work for me to do. There are 5 full time employees, all nice guys, 2 of the guys take care of the elevator doing maintenance and cleaning, 2 guys work in the open corn bunkers loading trucks and moving corn around so it can dry and one guy is a jack of all trades, does a lot of equipment maintenance. Thursday we didn't load any trucks, so 4 of the 5 guys were assigned to cleaning and doing maintenance on the elevator and other odd jobs which left me out of odd jobs. My boss told me not to come in at 7 on Friday, he would call me at 9 and let me know if he had work for me to do. So once again fear set in, fear of not getting enough hours to make ends meet. I prayed on the way home knowing with some financial discipline and faith, God would take care of me. I was called in Friday, the boss had a bunch of 2x4's which need to be removed from the edges of the bunkers, once remove I was to drive the nails out and move them to a different location. I worked from 9:45 to 4:30, had to stop a few times to assist the shop guy so it was an easy day. I also had a "duh" moment when I checked my hours, I work 7 to 4:30, I didn't calculate this before hand but it isn't an 8 hour day but a 9 hour day, 1/2 hour lunch, so even if I get cut lose on occasion I am still getting close to 40 hours, sweet relief. <br />
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So far this job change has been positive, my supervisors are good guys who thank their people for a job done well, I like the guys I work with they are all friendly and helpful without being smart asses, I enjoy working outside, my arms are turning the color of a coffee bean very fast, there isn't a lot of stress or pressure, we are given jobs and trusted to get them done. I am sure I will have down days, get bent out of share by job, be muscle sore, get really tired of a tedious task, I have to wear a hard hat and it kind of sucks. What I have remember is the reason I changed jobs and be grateful for finding this one and the new freedoms it allows me.<br />
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Having my evenings and weekends free is a joy. I have been able to go to meetings. I have my flower garden all planted, put the bulbs in last week which was the last thing to do, now I need to buy some tomato and pepper plants and maybe a cucumber plant for the pots. I have been able to adjust my sleep pattern fairly quickly, awake at 5:45am and asleep by 10ish. Mich has been fairly good at doing the housework and keeping dishes washed. I cook supper but don't mind, I prefer to cook what I am in the mood for and try to make it something the kids will eat also. I have put pressure on Mich about a couple of things and will continue to do so. Angel and Carter are just who they are, 2 little kids who want to be with their papa as much as possible, Angel loves to watch me cook and help out, I have carefully allowed her to stir things, hold the mixer when I mix a cake mix, scramble eggs and other things, yeah she is kind of in my way but believe this is something special between us and she is learning in the process. Carter is just a very busy 2 year old, swear the kid is ADHD, he is teaching me more about patience, he is also very stubborn so I have to think of creative ways to correct his wrong behavior. Mich is good about correcting the kids but when I am home they both gravitate towards me, she does understand I need my space and helps me get it as much as possible. <br />
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Well campers, this is how things are going in my world. I hope and pray your lives are going well and you are finding some peace, love and light. Remember to take the time to smell the wonderful smells of spring and listen to the birds sing and squirrels chat. <br />
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Peace Love Light<br />
Scott <br />wolfie185http://www.blogger.com/profile/08113710218994046562noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3827246971084353723.post-73819817312618214372012-04-21T09:18:00.000-07:002012-04-21T09:18:17.992-07:00Gifts<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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When I cranked up the mower both kids had to see what I was doing. Angel helped from time to time but Carter stayed in this position the whole time. He would get mad when I had to lift him out out of the way to do some closer work, sometimes I just picked him up, put his hand on the bar and maneuvered the mower with him attached. I will have to buy a plastic mower for him to push along side papa, so we can mow together. My grand babies are a gift and I am grateful I can really enjoy being in the present with them. It is a gift to not get upset when they try to help me and slow me down in the process, to be patient with their curious minds. I let them play with hammers, small gardening tools and other things from the shed, it isn't an inconvenience to make sure they are safe or not messing something up. They are a gift to be cherished each moment they are around, even though they to tend to smother me with attention. I am finding ways to get some me time, there is a nice small lake park a couple of miles away, I can go there take a walk, mediate or just sit and read. We only have the here and now and I do my best to live in the moment at hand. </div>
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Prayer Girl, a blogger I really miss, once wrote and I am paraphrasing, " sometimes when one door closes and we just have to sit in the hallway and wait for another to open". I have returned to her words often since I read them, they are a reminder to me to not let situations I dislike get me down because in time a new door will open, we don't know when but one will always open in time. This is what happen with my job situation.</div>
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Monday I walked into one of the employment agencies, they had posted a custodial/general maintenance job, listed as part time but not specific as to whether part time meant less than 40 hours or not long time employment. The lady told me it was only 25 hours a week. I told her I was looking for something seasonal with 40 hours, something to pay the bills and keep me busy until school starts in August. She said the grain elevator in a town 10 miles away was looking for someone to mow, weed, trim and do general ground maintenance, pay was more per hour than I make now, she called the guy and I was scheduled to meet him in an hour. Her data base was on the fritz so she couldn't send him my resume but told me to just go and she would send him my information later. </div>
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I told him my work history and also my personal knowledge of maintenance. Told him I like to say busy and find stuff to do when things get slow. He asked about my understanding of safety, company has been almost 7 years without a reportable accident, meaning an accident which required medical attention. I told him you have to be aware of possible hazards all the time and good housekeeping is important. Between the Air Force and manufacturing work, I have learned you have to keep your eyes always open to things which may harm you or others, gave examples of forklift driving, using proper lifting procedures and utilizing all tools available to make the job safer. I was honest about going to college in August and wanting a job for the summer, wanting a normal day time job with weekends off so I can spend time with family and friends. He said if I was hired and things worked out maybe he could work around my classes and have work for me in the fall as well. </div>
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O.k. side note for those who don't know. Grain elevators are tall storage units for corn and soybeans, Midwest skyscrapers. They also have concrete bunkers or large piles of corn. The grain is purchased from the farmers at market rate, the grain is the loaded on trains and transported to manufacturers. Field corn is different from the corn you buy in the stores, it doesn't have very much nature sweetening content, the corn you eat is a hybrid actually, originally corn was not sweet. The corn produced by farmers in dried on the stock prior to harvesting and then dried some more, the corn is checked at the elevator for moisture content, if it is too wet it will spoil in storage. Grain bins and elevators have large dryers to assist in the drying process. The elevator areas including offices, maintenance shop and bunkers covering about 10 city blocks.</div>
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So anyway by the time I got back to town I was hired. Evidently the guy liked my answers and trusted my experience. I will start a week from Monday, not sure what all I am suppose to do other than mow, clean up around the grounds, trim and pull weeds. I may have to clean out bunkers and also do some vehicle maintenance and general cleaning. I don't really care what I am going to be doing, it has be easier on my body than lifting and bending steel, less repetitive motion. I get work outside, I will be working 7am to 4:30pm mainly Monday thru Friday, maybe the odd weekend all depends on what needs to be done and if the weather during the week keeps me from getting my work done during the week. </div>
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I am taking this coming week off, one for some R&R and second try to get my mind and body use to going to bed at a normal time and getting up in the morning. I am use to going to bed around 5am and now I will be getting up at 6am. I have also made plans to meet up with a couple of friends for supper during the week and hit a couple of meetings I haven't been to in over a year. </div>
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I will now be able to attend meetings during the week, not sure which meetings I will pick up for sure. I started a Living Sober meeting on Friday night a couple of years ago and will probably start going to it. I will start doing jail meetings again for sure, we really lack in people willing to chair or participate in jail meetings. I will have my summer free for camping or just doing something on the spur of the moment with friends. I will be able to see my friends on a more regular bases and also connect with some new people. Basically I get my social life back and have a less stressful job to boot. </div>
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So I sat in the hallway for a year with a job I didn't really like. I was up and down with acceptance and taught about patience and tolerance. I found out I could do manual labor after sitting at a desk for 16 years. I had to make the best of meetings and really talk to my sponsor and friends, be open and honest about my feelings. I had blind faith in the impermanence of everything and trusting that the God of my understanding would see me through this and I would come out the other side better for it. I did and lot of footwork and didn't like the results I wanted but this lead me to seeking the path of going to college and finding a temporary job and not worrying about full time employment for now. </div>
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The promises in the Big Book have come true once again and I have been given another gift. </div>
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Well campers, I need to take a shower and get ready for the day. Tonight we are having a potluck and speaker meeting, need to make a pasta salad. The guy who is speaking was 1 grade ahead of me in school, we were not friends back then, in fact he use to bully me. He has been sober for just over a year and we are building a friendship based on who we are today and not who we were 30 years ago.</div>
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Love and Blessings to all. Enjoy your gifts!!</div>
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Peace Love Light </div>
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Scott </div>
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</div>wolfie185http://www.blogger.com/profile/08113710218994046562noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3827246971084353723.post-13117889299399657882012-04-14T13:43:00.000-07:002012-04-14T13:43:26.592-07:00Thank you Psychic Change<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><em><strong>"On the other hand—and strange as
this may seem to those who do not understand—once a psychic change has occurred,
the very same person who seemed doomed, who had so many problems he despaired of
ever solving them, suddenly finds himself easily able to control his desire for
alcohol, the only effort necessary being that required to follow a few simple
rules."</strong></em></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial;">The Doctor's Opinion page xxix</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial;">For me the last couple of weeks have been nuts; frustration, overly busy, added drama, lack of me-time. Each night when I lay in bed and say my prayers I also give thanks for the not having the obsess to drink, I give thanks to God, whatever It is, that I not drinking has become as normal as breathing in and out. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial;">I am a garden variety drunk but this plant in the universal garden of life at one time could not function without a drink. I always drank after work, which meant I had a cooler of beer in my car for the 1/2 hour drive home and if I didn't feel like going right home I would drive around country roads drinking until I did. When I worked a part job at a convenience store and I had a few hours prior to going to work I would drink and once it got really slow in the store I would keep an open beverage in the cooler to sip on. On weekends I would get up, drink a pot of coffee and then start drinking; starting around 11am and stoping sometime around midnight. I couldn't go anywhere in the car without a cooler of beer nor could I attend any function without drinking before hand and reaching my hand into the cooler when it was over. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial;">Here is what is going on with me. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial;">Mich never had her own checking account. Her bf controlled all her money. When they split due to the eviction I found out she was flat broke and bf would not give her any money, saying she blow all her tax refund. They were and he still is involved in a multi level marketing thing, one of the those programs were you get people under you so you can advance. The program is about discount hotels, airfare, trips and online purchases. They do presentations to friends and anyone interested in hopes they will sign up under you and you make a profit from them signing up and there purchases plus anyone they recruit. Another added expense is going to motivational conferences. Neither one works a regular job and both, especially him believe they will make a bunch of money off of this. I told Mich these types of programs are kind of alright if you use them for a side income but are not a living income. She agrees with me but still believes they can make a bunch of money in the long run.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial;">Mich and bf split of over money and him not supporting her or the kids. He is not willing to watch the kids while she job hunts and will not even give her gas or basic needs money. Of course this doesn't sit well with me but I am powerless. I have also kindly pointed out to Mich her roll in all her current troubles, she isn't white as snow in all this.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial;">The kids are smothering me. Angel is still awake at 3am when I get home. She talks to papa until we go to bed, she sleeps with me. When I get up both Angel and Carter are by my side a great deal. Via a conversation with my sponsor, we figured out that not only I am I papa but I am a calm person in their lives and give both positive attention and love. Yes I get after them when they do something wrong but not with loud anger. Mich shows them love too and is good about positive construction discipline. Mich is having depression troubles though all this so she isn't 100%, so they gravitate to papa.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial;">I was going to physical therapy 5 days a week and I now down to 3 times a week, 1 hour a day. This was really messing with my free time also, session are in the middle of the afternoon. Therapy is helping and the exercises they have taught me help me out at work when the shoulder/neck pain starts. It isn't all bad just an added something to adjust to. Ever hear the saying "alcoholics hate change".</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial;">I applied for vocational rehab assistance, since alcoholism is considered a disability. Friend of my was able to get some tuition assistance from them. I was turned down because I am recovering successfully. Not a big deal, it was just a footwork avenue to explore to make college a bit cheaper. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial;">Took my Compass test to see what basic classes I will need for college, mandatory requirement prior to enrolling. I scored a 95 in reading comprehension, 67 in writing and a 49 in math. Knew the math would be low, I don't have a mathematical mind, if i can see a practical use for math then I understand it but if a fraction isn't on a tape measure then it is useless to me, 13/25 is not a useful or understandable fraction to me. My advisor told me to hold off on math until my 2nd semester, to first take classes which I am interested in, then tackle the harder subjects. I haven't been in school since 1981, so I had already made up my mind my first semester would be classes of interest which would make studying and homework easier. I will take a writing class, business class or 2 and a psychology class. If I decide to move on after 2 years and get a bachelors degree I will have to take an algebra class but by the time this rolls around hopefully I will be in the groove and the class will not be too hard plus there are free tutors available. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial;">Work sucks! Part of the problem is me. Being on light duty I feel I am not pulling my weight and worry about my coworkers and supervisors. The other part is having a supervisor who is not familiar with the machines we operate. I have been running an old machine which has a really crappy computer program, it takes a 1/2 at least to program it from scratch. The boss whats his production numbers and is pushing us hard, understandable but also it is frustrating when he doesn't understand the challenges of the machines we run. O.k I am grateful for having a job and mental tools which allow me to calm down to a certain extent when I get frustrated at the machine and the boss. I have decided since I am going to quit in August anyway to start looking for a summer job now. I can hopefully find a seasonal job doing mowing or grounds maintenance which will hold me over until classes start in August. Starting around August depending on where I am working, I will try and find a couple of part time jobs to keep me afloat. I also want my weekends relatively free this summer, my current job doesn't allow for this, we have already started working 10 hours on Saturdays. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial;">The way I am looking at the whole work deal is like this; this job has been stressful and too physically demanding from the get go, I now have a clear plan of action for better employment also. I feel I might as well bit the bullet, take a bit of a pay decrease and enjoy my summer, have my weekends and evening pretty much free. Footwork, footwork, footwork is what it will take. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial;">So am going though what for me is a slightly stressful time. I make my Sunday morning home group meeting but that is about all. I meet with my sponsor once a week, actually met a couple of times last week just to download on her. She has been a God sent, she is not my God but is It's voice and ears at times. By finding a God of my understanding and working the steps daily, 1, 3, 10 and 11 plus awareness of defects and willingness to work on them, I have not had a desire to drink. I am still in awe of this fact, this goes against my whole previous behaviors, it is amazing and a miracle. The program of recovery outlined in the books Alcoholics Anonymous and the 12 and 12 really works for me/us if we work it. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial;">I am not skipping down the yellow brick road but I am reasonably sane, serene and accepting of the challenges in my life. I have the mental ability to understand what footwork I need to do to change those things I don't current like in my life and to accept the powerlessness over other things. I love my daughter and grand babies and am glad I am here for them, I am adjusting to their presence but having to search out ways to have some alone time. It is wonderful to be able to find solutions via my God and others in recovery. I really can't say enough about how good it is to not be a total mess right now. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial;">I am not saying my challenges are worse than anyone else, just saying how grateful I am for the tools to get through my challenges. I continue to pray and send positive energy to all my friends facing much harder challenges than me!!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial;">Peace Love Light </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial;">Scott </span>wolfie185http://www.blogger.com/profile/08113710218994046562noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3827246971084353723.post-82651708136511622652012-03-30T02:51:00.000-07:002012-03-30T02:51:01.200-07:00House just got smallerSo I missed a call from Mich early on at work Tuesday night, so called her back on my break, she informed me she was evicted from her apartment and was moving in with me. Serious oh fuck and what the fuck combined in one. I didn't get aggresively angry at her or yell, I have had similar experiences in the past with her, yelling is fruitless. My dad was a yeller and it never solved anything with me, so with recovery I understand it doesn't do any good with her. <br />
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First thing I asked her is why she didn't use her tax refund to pay up her past due rent, she said they were looking for a new place to live and hoped to be out before they would be kicked out. She also told me they didn't go to the court appointment on the eviction notice, this screwed them out of having 30 days to move their stuff. Oh yeah the "they" is her on again off again bf and Carter's father, seems once again she thinks he will change and they can play happy family, sorry I don't have any faith in the kid changing. Tuesday night they were moving all their stuff to either my house or bf's parents basement. Bf is living with his parents, we have mutual minor dislike for each other, we are civil and respectful to each other but there is no way he could stay here with out major fireworks happening down the road, fireworks which would be light by both of us.<br />
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I understand how she let this happen, I have never been evicted but do understand thinking things won't come to the worst, the feeling of being invincible. My drinking career was checked with pushing the limits, I pushed the limits on paying bills, had my power shut off more than once, I rarely had car insurance and I finally got busted for drunk driving not once but twice within a years time frame. She doesn't drink anything like I used but doesn't know how to manager her money, can't decifer needs from want's, something which took me being sober to really put into place and still have to be mindful of. <br />
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I get upset with both Mich and bf for not holding down jobs. She blames not being able to find daycare, don't understand this because I think HHS would help but then again maybe she has burned some bridges with them and can't get the help she needs. Bf has a bad history of job jumping, quiting jobs because they are too hard or whatever, from the 3 years I have known him I get the feeling he is flat out lazy. I have had to and continue to admit I am powerless over Mich and bf when it comes to work ethics and finances. <br />
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I did some personal reflection on her situation and previous troubles, trying to see if I contributed to then in some large way. She was 15 when I got sober, up until that point I had held down a full time job and a couple of part time jobs on the side at different times, granted the part time jobs gave me extra money to support my habits. You can say she was raised relatively poor but always had a home, food in the frig, money for school events and was treated well on holidays and her birthday. What she didn't have until I got sober were a lot of new clothes and other nicer things. When I got sober I change my spending habits over time and tried to be a good example to her. I have been honest with her about how I have survived when things got tough, talked to her about how she could make her food stamps go further, how to limit how much driving she does, about calling companies when she can't make full payments on bills. I also live a simple and comfortable life and spend within my means with a bit extra now and then from saving. So I think I have done a halfway decent job of showing and talking to her about financial responsibility. I have helped her out along the way too mainly because she has kids and I want to make sure their needs are met, my parents have help my siblings and me out off and on too so this is kind of a family thing. <br />
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I don't know how long they will be staying here. It is a big adjustment for me, I am very much a loner bachelor and use to my privacy and routines and my little dog is use it being just the 2 of us as well. Angel and Carter and such little papa's buddies, they both gavitate toward me when they are awake, thus the reason I am typing this at 4:00am. Angel bless her little heart has been coming into my room early in the morning and climbing in bed with me, kind of messes up my sleep but hopefully she will not do it so often as time wears on. Like I said adjustments are having to be made, also boundaries are being set too. <br />
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Well I am physically and mentally fried but wanted share with you this bit of information.<br />
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Peace Love and Light <br />
Scott <br />
<br />wolfie185http://www.blogger.com/profile/08113710218994046562noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3827246971084353723.post-31716386340604088042012-03-19T13:36:00.000-07:002012-03-19T13:36:03.073-07:00Can I make this short???<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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So Friday I get an email from a job I applied for for and had an interview for saying "sorry we have selected someone else". This email made me really sit down and look at my work situation and what I need to do. <br />
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Last week my shoulder muscles have really been killing me and by Thursday things were getting bad, I had set my hopes on a new job so I would'nt have to tell my supervisors about my physical difficulties. My pride was looking at taking the easier softer way out. Problem is my shoulder muscles burn really bad after lifting just a few parts, this is starting at the beginning of the shift now and not later in the night after we have done a few orders, also having elbow problems. So after I got the email I knew I had to look what things I could change in order to accept the situation. I talked to my leadman Friday night and told him I need to see the company Physical Therapist, told him the problem and how it was effecting my performance. I also told him I would be interested in transferring to being a forklift driver if I was put on light duty and because I am afraid I can't handle the physical nature of my job. I will meet with my supervisor tonight to discuss all of this. <br />
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My pride is somewhat of a bitch at times. I am the oldest operator on my shift and for the last 15 years have not held a jo which requires manual labor. I really don't what to look like a whimp with my peers, so I have been doing the old cowboy up with my pain, hoping things will change, either with my health or a new job. Reality set in Friday, I had to put the Serenity prayer into action. My supervisor is a different cat, kind of bi-polar, so I really never know when it is a good time to approach him and how he will feel about what I am going to tell or ask him. I know part of my own old fears play into not wanting to talk to him, I know he respects me as a operator because even though I am not fast, I am very consistant, my mind still goes back to the little skinny weak kid who always felt he was being judged for not being physically strong enough. I have to face the fact I need to look after my own heath and hope my supervisor and the company appreciate me enough to look after my health as well. I have to accept, 1) there is no day shift job in my near future, 2) my job requires more physically than I can give it. My trainer and I have talked about how we have the most physical job in the plant, so I know it isn't just me, he expressed concern about my shoulder and told me to be careful. <br />
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We are trainging 2 new guys on our machine, so if I can't do the job anymore then at least we are not short handed. We have been without a forklift driver since November, so each work center has to move it's own material which cuts down on production time. I will talk to my supervisor about being a full time forklift driver, saying I can still help out on running machines when there isn't any material to be moved. Maybe this is a solution and maybe not but I have to have the courage to try and change the things I can if possible. <br />
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Another thing the non-selection brought home was; I am over qualified and under qualified for a big majoity of the jobs out there which fit my back ground. I am over qualified for basic shipping/receiving/inventory control jobs because my resume has a lot of management on it. I think when I interview I stress to much about what I have done as a manager and not enough about what I have done as a laborer which may probably leads people to believe I am not interested in the job for the long haul and only want to get out of manufacturing and off second shift, partially true but I am also willing to be a basic labor to just have a job I am good at. I have applied for mechanic jobs as well and think what I wrote probably applies to why I haven't received interviews for them. <br />
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On the other hand when I look at job descriptions for management jobs, most of them want you to have at least an Associates degree. My years of work experience don't account much since people are looking for employees who have had certain courses in managment, courses which tell the employer you have had proper education on how to handle different situations which my arise. J and I took a road trip yesterday, he is just finishing up a degree so I talked to him about me going back to school full time. He told me of a place to start which can tell me about my grant and loan options. I will go see the agency this week and see what they have to say. It has taken a year but I am now fully aware that if I want to finish out my working years doing something managerial I need to get some higher education under my belt. With the right grants and loans plus part time work I can survive, plus budgetting. I know of a few people who have went back to school in their late 40's or early 50's, so I know it can be done. It will take some displine but like J and I talked about, now we are sober we understanding taking responsibility and holding ourselves to that responsibility. If I start the footwork now I can be ready for classes in the fall, plus work out my personal expenses so I know what I need to live on.<br />
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So I am at the point of taking action to change the things I can and accept the things I can't. I have had to swallow my pride, acknowledge the my good looks and job experiences will not gurantee a new job;) I an not miserable with my work situation but not comfortable with it either. I accept it on most days, yet understand I have to look at all my options to change what is causing some suffering in my life. I am not unhappy by a long shot but see there are things I need to do in life which will improve the situation I am in. By talking to my supervisors I might be able to improve my heath problems, cause I can't change my age and my physical limitations. By looking at going back to school I can open my horizons for a possible job which will see me through to retirement. Also going back to school will solve some of the problem with being on 2nd shift and not being able to be involve in AA the way I would like to be. <br />
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So the answer to the question is no, I couldn't make this short and K knew I couldn't:) I love you all and keep you in my thoughts and prayers as you face your own challenges in life. Thanks for reading about mine. <br />
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Peace Love Light<br />
Scottwolfie185http://www.blogger.com/profile/08113710218994046562noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3827246971084353723.post-15467265169930072342012-03-05T11:52:00.000-08:002012-03-05T11:52:40.495-08:00New toy, Fellowship & Solution<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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This is the Wendy, so named after my friend who put her girliness aside and used the nasty outhouse at the Sober Float campground but expressed gratitude when someone allowed her to use the potty in his camper. Some of the places we camp are isolated with only outhouse's available, in searching for a camper one of the must was a working toilet, not just for Wendy but for everyone, yours truly included.<br />
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If you look at the picture above and this one, you will notice a shower curtain. The bathroom has a hand held shower, so you can wrap the curtain around the bathroom and take shower to wash the dirty and grime off. I have never been in a small camper before and didn't know what the shower if any would be like. I can assure you this will come in hand. <br />
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This is the couch and also Angle claimed it as her bed, it is wide enough for 1 person to sleep comfortabily enough on. The bit on the top folds down to make a bunk bed, if I still have the camper in years to come, Angel or Carter can sleep up there. Kitchen has a 3 burner stove/oven, double sink, there is a little fold up extension counter as well. I wasn't able to get the frig to work, I will have to check out circuit breakers and fuses. It may work off of propane but I need to replace the bottles first to check that out.<br />
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Table folds down and cushions pull out to make a bed, big enough for 2 smaller people and just right for me. Table will come in handy for playing cards or just hanging out around/meetings, if the weather turns nasty, plus place to put food on for meals.<br />
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1980 camper, 19ft long, bought it for $1700.00. The AC works, I need to pull the awning out in the next few days to check it out, it has been too windy here to do it yet, the awning itself is worth $350.00. I bought this from a guy who was selling it for another guy as part of an estate settlement. The camper has been in a shed most of it's life, so the outside is in good condition for it's age. The propane tanks are old and need up dated, because of this I wasn't able to check out the furnace, hot water heater, stove or frig on gas. I am trusting they work because the camper was owned by an older couple and they took good care of it from what I can tell, plus I trust the farmer who sold it to me, yes blind trust. I was shocked to find an owners manual with it. I know enough about gas systems to clean and fix most problems I may have, thank you Dad. New tanks are only $20.00 and a connecting hose is $10.00. Tires will need replaced before we venue too far from home, remember I travel a lot in rural Nebraska where most of the towns are small and finding a place to fix a flat after 5:30pm is almost impossible, plus on some stretches it is 20 miles or more between towns, trailer tires are less expensive than car tires, so this isn't a big expense. I will also replace the curtains and rods, couple of the curtains were stained, tried to wash but that didn't work. Mich and J suggested new cushion covers since the current ones are a green pattern, older and less attractive pattern, not sure on this one, depends on cost, think the couch will just get a throw blanket on it. Used campers for less than $2000 are hard to come by, the ones I found on Craigslist were being snatched up within a couple of days of being posted. I wasn't able to find any close to home, I found this one in a town 125 miles away, closer to Lincoln, took off work Tuesday to check it out. Since I had the funds available I was rather obsessed with buying a camper now plus the closer to spring the hard to find and the more people would be wanting for them. <br />
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The 4 guys who traveled with me Saturday to pick it up are all part of our Happy Campers camping group. We had a good time visiting, talking recovery and thoughts on summer camping outings. J and I at least will start doing some scouting trips on Sundays to check out various camping areas, places that offer enough privacy for campfire meetings plus have things to do like swimming, hiking or canoe-ing, I found inflatable canoes on Amazon for a reasonable price so will get one about May. The nice thing about our group is not only do we enjoy fellowship we are also living in the solution via working the steps, regular meeting attendance and working with others. We have some new people who want to go camping with us this years which is great.<br />
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Awe yes living in the solution! I have been going over to my backup sponsors house on Tuesday afternoons. We are listening to the Joe and Charlie Big Book discussion, which basically is about taking the steps. I feel it is healthy for me to review steps and even take a new 4th and 5th steps. Working with C and listening to the tapes are giving me new perspectives on the Big Book, steps and recovery in general. My sponsor is a wonderful man and we went through the steps rather thoroughly, I have changed in recovery, the person I was when I was new is different than the one I am today. C and I have more in common in a lot of ways than my sponsor, so working the steps with her allows me to work through some of my challenges more closely with someone who has been there, my sponsor likes this idea, so I am not back dooring him. Yes C is a woman, mid 60's, she has gone through some of the same spiritual challenges I have, faced the same social challenges, a veteran, she has 35 years sobriety and experience to share with me and others. <br />
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One of the things we have been talking about is, fellowship verses solution. She feels sometimes there is too much emphasis placed on fellowship; dances, potluck speaker meetings, camp-outs and social events and not enough on working the steps. It is through working the steps that a spiritual awakening happens. I am a person who promotes social functions so I had to sit back and think about my prospectives on this. The group of people I hang out with attend social events but we also work the steps, use sponsors and are active in the groups we attend via helping the newcomer. I forget that others who promote social events don't always do this, so the newcomer gets the wrong message. What this brought home to me was, when I share about social events I also need to place equal emphasis on working the steps and the solution which is to find a God of ones own understanding via the steps which will remove the compulsion to drink on a daily bases. <br />
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Fellowship saved my ass the first time around, getting sober on a remote Air Force base in South Korea it was essential to be with others in recovery. The guys who helped me get sober showed me how to live without alcohol and how to basically work the steps. Later on I really didn't work the steps I just went to meetings, I went for more of a social club and not as a place for spiritual growth. In doing this I believe this created the breakdown which enable me to pick up the first drink. I have said it before I never really worked the 11th step and needed to do another 4th and 5th about my marriage. I never sat down and got totally honest with another or myself about what was going on in my marriage. I don't regret this, I am just acknowledging a flaw which lead up to picking up a drink. The desire for a drink came back, I was under pressure, I didn't have a strong enough relationship with my Higher Power, a relationship that would have stood between me and the first drink. My relapse experience has shown me how I need to continue spiritual growth.<br />
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I do a 10th step all day long and at night laying in my bed, I think about what I have done wrong and seek the awareness and strength of character not to repeat the same mistakes. I still make a load of mistakes but the awareness or God conscience grows stronger so I tend not to make them as bad, have mental reminders to keep my big mouth shut when I want to assinate someones character. <br />
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A few factors come into my wanting to rework the steps, go through the Big Book again with another person. One is the relationships I have had in recovery, mainly with T last summer and with my sister in recovery, C and I have talked a bit about both already. Another is because of the hours I work, I really don't have a good opportunity to work with others, working with others really keeps me out of my head, keeps me focused on the solution and in strong contact with people in recovery. The 1 or 2 meeting I attend each week are good but they are not enough. By seeing C each week I am getting a good dose of the medicine which helps keep me sober and sane. I need to hear what others have to say about my actions and thought, I need their input for personal reflection, reflection which allows change to happen. <br />
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So this is my current ramble. I need to take a shower, do a bit of things around the house prior to work. The new job opportunity which seem so promising fell through at the last moment, it hurt but I dusted my butt off, got back on the horse, started doing the footwork again to apply for a couple of job openings which I am qualified for. For now I am good with what I am doing, the money is good via the overtime. Nothing is permanent, some day I will have a different job, just not today.<br />
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Peace Love Light<br />
Scott wolfie185http://www.blogger.com/profile/08113710218994046562noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3827246971084353723.post-23478623122879141832012-02-17T13:20:00.000-08:002012-02-17T13:20:46.518-08:00Love is the Opening Door<span class="messageBody" data-ft="{"type":3}">Love<br /> "As time passes in AA, we hear or read much about love:<br /> love is as simple as becoming always available.<br /> Love is a sincere interest in others. Love is a desire to be of service.<br /> Love is an ability to understand others and their problems.<br /> Giving love is more important than being loved." <br /> - The Best of the Grapevine [Vol. 3], pp. 296-97</span><br />
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<span class="messageBody" data-ft="{"type":3}"><span class="messageBody" data-ft="{"type":3}">An Open Heart<br /> "I had not known that my heart was closed.<br /> Now I knew -- because it was opened. I could now ask and receive help,<br /> and I hoped that some day I would have something to give.<br /> I felt free and light and good.<br /> I would no longer block out love if I kept my heart open."</span></span><span class="messageBody" data-ft="{"type":3}"><span class="messageBody" data-ft="{"type":3}"><br /> - Came To Believe . . ., p. 50</span></span><br />
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<span class="messageBody" data-ft="{"type":3}">I only subscribe to a couple of FB groups and one is AA Thought for the Day, nice small group which doesn't bombard you with a bunch of post, the guy who runs the group comes up with some great quotes from a vast variety of AA literature. These 2 quotes were posted lately, they made me sit back and reflect a bit. </span><br />
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<span class="messageBody" data-ft="{"type":3}">I have talked to my sponsor about love, a few others also but just for me, I am going to write out my thoughts and experience with love. BTW the title from the post comes from the Elton John song, Love Song which can be found on his brilliant and underrated Tumbleweed Connection album from the early 70's.</span><br />
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<span class="messageBody" data-ft="{"type":3}">I have written before emotions were not really expressed in our family, I can count the times I heard my parents say I love you to each other on one hand. My mom and I have said it to each other on a few occasions but not regularly, the knowledge is there and is expressed more in actions than words. I never told my dad I loved him or he me. I have no regrets over this, I respected his old world view on men not saying such mushy things to one another and once again we expressed our love in actions, he took care of me even when I was bottoming out and been there my whole life to give his support in one form or another. I was there for him when his health was such he couldn't take care of himself and was unable to leave the house, I sat by his bed as he took his last breaths and with all the love in my heart sent positive energy his way so that maybe his transition into the great unknown was easier. I did these things because I loved him, I couldn't take away his pain but could just be around for the simple sake of being around. </span><br />
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<span class="messageBody" data-ft="{"type":3}">In writing about dad, one aspect of love for me is letting go. I have been sad many times in life but slowly am coming to understand true love means letting go of my selfish wants and allowing others to live their lives. Carter's premature birth was a lesson in love, knowing I had no control over whether he would live or die. When Carter was born I did what I could for Mich and Angel. Mich has always been a roller coaster of letting go with love. I love her dearly and don't always like what she is doing but I love her and allow her to make her own mistakes, mistakes I have made and cringe at seeing her make. Carter and Angel are my babies and gifts of sobriety, as long as I am sober we will be able to spend time together, time in which they are the center of my world for good or bad, bad meaning Papa allows them to get away with some things Mama won't and Papa is able to treat them to things Mama can't afford within reason. </span><br />
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<span class="messageBody" data-ft="{"type":3}">My siblings and I don't say we love each other either, well my youngest sister will usually put in an I love you on occasion but we have had a falling out so our contact with each other is limited. She is probably the hardest person in my life to let go of and love unselfishly, with my other sister and brother we have a very casual relationship not close but when we are together to talk there is a love present there born out of being family and acceptance. </span><br />
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<span class="messageBody" data-ft="{"type":3}">My youngest sister was a drinking buddy, we would squabble but usually relied on each other, we confided in each other about what was going on and expressed our true feelings the best that we could to each other. She was one of the few people who could get me to say I love you out loud. She got sober a few months after I did and one would think this would bring us closer together but it has had the opposite effect. I started using Buddhism as a spiritual path and basically I am vague about what God is or isn't, honestly don't know and don't try to hard to figure the concept out, I do openly admit I have a hard time accepting a puppet master type of God or that God is one sex or another. My sister on the other hand embraced and fell heavy into fundamental Christianity, she worries about the souls of those who don't believe in the new testament version of Jesus and God, believes pray is the great fixer. She was once very open minded about spirituality but has become more closed. She moved to Oregon a couple of years ago and the last few times when have been in room together she has given off a standoffish aura. I have tried the agree to disagree approach with her but it doesn't to work. It makes me sad that we don't have a friendship anymore, never talk, she sent me a text message on my birthday but didn't add I love you too it even after I replied with a thank you and I love you. O.k I dig that I am being selfish about this, that I want the relationship back. I pray nightly for her, my way of letting go of the situation and not allowing the hurt to fester into anything more serious. I will be writing a new 4th in a month or so and you guessed it, she will on it, hopefully I will get a bit of closure on this love gone astray. </span><br />
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Understanding intimate love is becoming easier for me. I've always wanted the romantic Bogart/Bacall, Tracy/Hepburn, John and Yoko type of magical love, the kind poets and bards write about. As of yet this hasn't happened and I am finally alright with it. The women I have been intimate with I have loved because of who they were and what we shared together. When the relationship ended I didn't love them less, just accepted the path had come to an end, understood we were both probably looking for the romantic magic and even though we cared deeply for each other in time found out the magic wasn't there. <br />
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My sponsor is the one person who has taught more about love than anyone else. My sponsor always tells me at the end of a conversation he loves me, if we are together physically, we hug each other and say I love you. He showed me his love in actions as well as words. Even in my 40's I didn't understand love or more to the point my heart wasn't open to love because I didn't feel I was worthy of love. I didn't understand love was actions by others, sometimes kind and sometimes tough. Again I was trapped in the romantic notion of love, I put way too much stock in the word, seeking something deeper than just people genuinely caring for me and me for them. I think back on my close friends from school, we had a love for each other born out of sticking up for each and companionship, we the lesser than's had a bond. We needed each other to survive, we didn't place any payback on our friendship, we cared for each other, we protected each, not so much physically but with support. I can now see how this type of love works. I see how those who have supported my recovery over the years did so out of love and I can care so much for recovering and sick alkies and addicts.<br />
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I have come to understand and still work on understanding love means just caring for another person, no fireworks, just unselfish caring. It hasn't been hard for me to doing things for others but having them do something for me has been another story or struggle. I have learned to love myself by accepting others love for me. With the practice of unconditional loving kindness and compassion I am learning to love myself unconditionally and with compassion, to accept me just as I accept you. The gradual awakening of self forgetting and self forgiving, makes me available to others and paradoxically to myself. I have to see the difference between people pleasing and honestly caring about others, to say no to people because I love myself enough to not allow me to be hurt by my actions. <br />
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Working on understanding how all beings are co-dependent on each other is a work in progress. To follow the Dharma and love those who make me angry or whose actions I disagree with is challenging. Sometimes I just have to break it down to we are all dependent on the same air, water and earth. There is no self, we are all connected my our basic needs. I may not like someone but I should love them because we are apart of each other in the most fundamental way. I can work on doing the smallest of things for those I don't like by simply being kind to them, give them a pleasant greeting and smile, they to need to feel loved and accepted. Those who are always bitching, cutting others down or just seem plain ass miserable are the ones who need a kind smile and greeting the most even if they don't return the jester in kind. The prayer of St. Francis is what this is all about, giving of myself unconditionally to those I care about the most and those who rub me the wrong way. I don't feel there is anything wrong with the old hippie dippy all you need is love philosophy, if we treat each other with kindness, especially those we dislike, then the world will be a better place. It takes practice, each day I am challenged, some days are good some days are bad but the good is become more common than the bad. I had to find the willingness in my heart to pursue this avenue. My sponsor and others have shown me through their actions how to love others and myself because I saw something I needed I became willing to work on change.<br />
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I put too much into the word love, just as I did God. Love is a roomy word, something which can't be really pigeon holed. Once I started throwing my preconceived notions of love out the proverbial window my heart and mind became open to love. Coming to turns with love is an opening door to inter peace and true happiness. It won't solve all my problems but the simple act of loving all which is around me, getting out of self, provides a perspective which makes other anxieties less. If I focus on the love and beauty in the world, it takes me out of what I am worrying about, just stop to breath and really focus on the beauty of now and the gifts of love. No matter what happens to me I can know I am loved, I can give love, in doing so all will be well.<br />
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Love you all!!<br />
Scottwolfie185http://www.blogger.com/profile/08113710218994046562noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3827246971084353723.post-31899203328044407282012-02-06T11:34:00.000-08:002012-02-06T11:34:04.652-08:00Just somethingsHey all, just writing because I like to do so every week or so. Angel is asleep on the couch and Carter in the bedroom, I have the t.v. on Nick Jr. which is showing a Franklin the turtle movie, this way when Angel wakes up there is something on she will watch without having to channel surf or her getting upset because Scooby Doo or Bugs Bunny isn't on, she is still to young to understand different shows come on at different times. I am not a big pro football fan so could care less about the super bowl.<br />
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The colonoscopy went well, the prep wasn't that bad for me, a lot of people I know complained about drinking the cleansing stuff, I just mixed in some Crystal Lite and drank it as fast as I could, first 2 glasses really fast the other 2 took about an hour, the results didn't bother me either. It was kind of funny because the kids were here and they are my little shadows, so at times I had both kids and even the dog in the bathroom with me, every time I went Carter followed, he would stand by the tub pulling on his shirt thinking Papa was going to give him a bath, he loves taking a bath. My biggest concern was being anesthetized, I have never been put under before, never had surgery. Now grant it I have passed out but never been put to sleep with anesthetics I didn't take myself. My ex and Mich both have a hard coming back around and get a bit sick. It was a rather cool experience, one minute I was talking and the next I was waking up in the recovery room talking to the nurse, I felt really good, think it might have been the drugs they gave me for the procedure, anyway she gave me a cup of coffee and I was good to rock and roll. I didn't over do it after the scope, didn't eat much just some chicken and a bit of candy, rested and watched movies. I am glad I had the colonoscopy done, it really gave me a good piece of mind because I am only 1 year away from 50 and they say colon cancer is a silent killer and I have had stomach troubles off and on for years. <br />
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The temperatures have been in the 50's and low 60's up until Friday. Friday started out with rain and by evening it was snowing, by midnight there was probably 6 inches of snow on the ground. One of the young guys at work is from El Salvador, he drives a Civic and lives in a hilly area. I told him when we left work at midnight, they let us go early due to the road conditions, if he had any problems to call me, sure enough he couldn't make it down his road, got stuck but was able to get out and head back to town. I met him at a gas station and took him home, even with the Suburban the road was treacherous. It is nice having the Suburban, knowing I can get around in the snow plus know it will come in handy this summer. We ended up with 10-12 inches of really wet snow, I stayed home all day and vegged out, made chili and brownies to eat on, the plant was closed due to the weather. It may not seem like much to others but spending a day in my house alone and being perfectly happy is a wonderful thing for me. Not that many years ago I would have started drinking early, probably run out, driven icy roads to get more, would have been pouring beer down the pity pot of loneliness and nobody loves me, boo hoo hoo. Somedays it still amazes me the cravings and compulsion to drink are gone, I give thanks every night when I lay my head on my pillow.<br />
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This morning at my home group meeting, a portion of We Agnostics was read, I love this chapter in the Big Book. For one it takes me back to how angry I was toward religion when I was drinking, how a major of the people I was associating with in recovery my first time around were very 1 sided on spiritual matters and how I suppressed my thoughts just to feel a part of the groups. I remember reading We Agnostics in treatment and the freedom I felt, the comfort of Bill's words retelling me it was alright to have my own understanding of a God, the realm of the spirit being broad enough for all conceptions of a power greater than ourselves. It also brought me back to a night early in this recovery. I was in a meeting, people were sharing about their God which seemed the same for everyone and I felt really disconnected, just about walked out in frustration. After the meeting I stood outside smoking and thinking about what I had heard, also talked to my sponsor. It was at this meeting I truly understood believing in my own concept of a God, not comparing my feelings about a God concept with what others were sharing, not comparing my insides with their outsides. I believe that night was a make or break point for me in my recovery, I stopped think so hard about what God was or wasn't and stopped comparing myself to others so much, I didn't stop the comparisons just started being more mindful of my comparing and how it make me feel. I still catch myself comparing on occasion but usually now when I do it I am looking closer at where I am falling short in working the steps daily or living a spiritual life. I need the reminders of where I have come from, I also need to share this with others because this morning there were people in the room who were feeling the same way I did 5 years ago. <br />
<br />Life is good in my tiny little speck of the universe. I do have some anxiety going on concerning the job prospect. I have been told I am the top candidate for the position and there are just some things the guy who would be hiring me needs to find out. The guy is the regional sales manager, so he has a lot on his plate which I understand so things will happen in his time not mine. I doubt I am much different than others when I foresee a new avenue possibly happening in my life, I think about the changes to come, ability to hit more meetings and put more time into DCM work, the freedom of weekends off, I am also more aware of muscle and body pains at work focusing my my mind on how I need to get a less physical job. I do my best to focus back in on the moment, to be grateful I have a job which pays my bills. Standing in the hallway waiting to see if a new door is going to come open sucks but it is what it is and I will be alright no matter the outcome. This is just a bit of honest reflection on what is going on within me, I know way too many others who are experiencing far worse challenges in life, these people are in my thoughts and prayers.<br />
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Writing this the morning after I started. The kids woke up about 1/2 way through, let them play in the tub together, then just play in the living room. End up with Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire being put in, Angel loves most of the Harry Potter movies, Carter played with his ball and didn't get into too much stuff but still kept Papa on his toes. Mich showed up at midnight to get them, Carter was asleep by then and Angel was ready to go home to her bed. She has got to the point where she still loves spending time with Papa but also wants to be home with mommy, Mich was working a lot of late evenings for awhile so both the kids missed being with her. <br />
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I am grateful for the life I have, for not have an obsession to drink, for my job, for my daughter and grand babies, for my health, for being able to shovel snow, for my sponsors and friends in recovery and for my friends not in recovery, for the awareness of the beauty of nature, seeing how beautiful the heavy snow is on the trees, for the sweet little dog who lays on my lap or whats to play ball when I get home from work, grateful I can afford a 4 wheel drive to get myself and others around in bad weather, grateful for the acceptance that nothing is permanent, grateful for another day to try my best to live a life based on recovery and Dharma principles, for a hot cup of coffee and a warm shower. <br />
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Peace Love Light<br />
Scottwolfie185http://www.blogger.com/profile/08113710218994046562noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3827246971084353723.post-56936795259837080072012-01-23T11:19:00.000-08:002012-01-23T11:19:15.175-08:00Common Demoninator HopeHey all, after a much needed sleep I am able to think clear enough to write, went to bed at 9:30pm and woke up at 9:45am. Friday night I got off work at midnight, laid down around 2am and was back up at 5:15am so I could be on the road at 6:15am, the joys of working 2nd shift. Thanks to coffee and good conversations I was alert all day Saturday but crashed by 10 and up again at 6. <br />
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What this all pertains to is I had my first state AA area meeting as the district chairman for the Kearney area AA, location was in a town 2 hours east of here. I took J with me, J has 14 years sobriety and started going to area meetings about a year ago. J also has a learning disability coupled with brain damage from drug and alcohol use, he lacks listening skills which effect his comprehension which can make him rather annoying because he rambles on without hearing what you are saying sometimes. He reminds me of my elderly mother in ways, you think he understands what you have said and then later talks about the same thing forgetting what you said the first time, I must admit it is challenging being with him for any length of time. <br />
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J had called me earlier in the week to see if he could ride with me to the meeting, though he wasn't a choice for a traveling companion I said yes because well it is what we do, we help those who ask and be damn with our opinions of the person. He also stayed in my room because he had a conflict with the guy he was going to stay with. J insisted he pay for 1/2 of the room, the other guys room was paid for by the area because he holds an area chair position, the guy was adamant J not pay and J was adamant he would. I had the same conflict, my room was paid for by the district, J and I share a sponsor, I talked to our sponsor about the conflict, my thought was to let J pay his share and use the money for some Grapevine books for the district. Our sponsor said he is the one who insisted J pay his way because J is a bit of a freeloader and doesn't think things out, he will do stuff and expect others to help him out, my sponsor told me to just give the money J gave me back to the district treasurer saying someone stayed in the room and paid half. So a solution was found without conflict, J was responsible and the district isn't footing the bill. <br />
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Spending as much time as a did with J was a lesson in patience and mindfulness. The lesson wasn't overly hard, over time I have become more patient with others, allowing them to be who they are. When I did start picking at his character defects I reminded myself of his mental illness and also about how we are all one; we are one in recovery and dependent on the same elements for existence, we all have our baggage and who I am to criticize his. I hang out with a lot of people with baggage, we are good friends because we accept each others baggage, yet can reject others whose baggage we dislike which is really stupid and hypocritical. I don't go out looking for spiritual growth, spiritual growth finds me and spending weekends with people like J are part of it. <br />
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First off it was really good to see old friends at area, the warm welcome hand shakes, hugs and smiles, the mutual warmth of being at area and being of service. I am assigned to the Treatment Center committee, a committee I was only vaguely familiar with. I didn't know the committee chair nor anyone on the committee. The chair briefly outlined what the committee was doing last cycle and wished to continue down this avenue which was agreed upon. We all easily fell into a discussions about improving the website by listing all treatment centers in Nebraska with contact information, also on the website we would like to list all district DCM's and alternates as a means of contact for those getting out of treatment and returning to their local areas, something which is doable with coordination from webmaster and state chairperson. Next we discussed having workshops, last year workshops were held in Omaha and Lincoln, the chair wanted to have workshops in central and western Nebraska. It was agreed upon to have a workshop here in Kearney in May, Kearney is centrally located and easily accessible. With a new homeless shelter coming to Kearney the timing of the workshop is ideal, the homeless shelter will have a program to assist people recover from alcoholism and addiction, though it is faith based we can still support them within the guidelines of the traditions, support not affiliation, with the understanding AA is not faith based. The shelter is run by an organization who has shelters in other parts of the state, they have worked with AA before so this shouldn't be a conflict. We will also have a workshop on the western border of the state, an area which is often over looked due to distance from the most populated areas of the state, eastern and central. <br />
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At break I talked to a woman who I have only visited with a couple times in the past, it was one of those odd chance meetings in the hallway. She is on the Corrections committee, jails and prisons, her town 1-1/2 hours from Kearney is having a workshop in Feb on Corrections. She talked about her challenges with the women's prison which are similar to our challenges with the county jail. There was a mutual relief knowing we were both facing similar challenges, acquaintance was turned into friendship via this conversation. Myself and a couple of others from our district will go to her workshop, 1 to support her and 2 to gather any knowledge we can on possibly improving our jail meetings and support for them from members and county officials. I will be in contact this week with our district Corrections chair to fill her in on the conversation, she has been a little frustrated as of late so needs some rays of hope shined on her. <br />
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Other than seeing old friends at area meetings the really great thing is meeting those new to service work. I visited with few, most were surprised to find the area meetings were not about politics, general prejudice found in meetings, and were really about how we can better carry the message to the still suffering alcoholic. Sure we talk about finances, any organization has concerns over making the best use of the money available and how to limit spending, we on occasion talk about the wording of certain bits of literature pertaining to structure but over all it is about carrying the message. We have a committee on carrying the message to professionals which in turn assist them in dealing with alcoholics and their victims, increasing their knowledge of alcoholism and AA. We have committee's on literature and the AA magazine the Grapevine who also publishes some great books, both carry the message to those in and out of our rooms. We have a committee on public relationships, carrying the message to the general public, a lot of this is just making sure there is easy knowledge and access to meeting information. We have a special needs committee, something newly formed, to insure people with special needs have access to meeting, I will be working on update our meeting information so people know which meetings are handicap accessible. I have already mentioned corrections and treatment so won't go there again. I would stay 95% of the districts in the state were present, each gave a report letting the general assembly know what was going on in their districts. The benefit for me is knowing what is going on in neighboring districts so we can support them if possible and also connect with their representative's to possibly develop a rapport of mutual support and combine resources for events for future events if the opportunity arises. The representative for the Spanish speaking district found me yesterday, the district covers the whole state, he said he wants to start a meeting in Kearney and asked for assistance, he said he has people willing to get involved and taking advantage of the motivation while it last and hopes to see his district grow, I will do my best help him get a meeting going. . <br />
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We heard different people speak this weekend. I have listened to a lot of people speak over the years, both in my past life in recovery and this new one. It is very rarely that hope isn't the underlying message of speakers. Hope there is life without alcohol, hope in how we change our lookout on life and in turn change ourselves. Hope that in periods of darkness there is light. Hope that even when we fall into a recovery rut, if we are willing and seek help we climb out of the rut and better people for doing so. Hope came for me in both new beings by knowing I wasn't alone, others did the same shitty insane stuff I did, felt the same feelings and had the same struggles. Hope is smiles, hand shakes, warm hugs, laughter, a gentle ear listening to what you are saying, giving you feedback even if it hurts a bit sometimes. Hope is knowing things will get better, even if they get worse first, provided we do some footwork to assist ourselves. Hope is a common denominator when anytime we get together with other people going through the same struggles we have and seeking the same solutions. Hope can be found in recovery meeting rooms, therapy groups, places of religious gathers, blogs and anywhere people reach out to one another in love and unity saying " I care, I have been there, I still go there and you are not alone". I see hope in the faces of people who have been in recovery for years and in the faces of those whose feet are new on the path. I also see hope as something we need to give each other, to learn to step out of our selfish enclosure, to be mindful our actions, don't listen to what I say, watch what I do. I am not anywhere near perfect at giving others hope or getting rid of self, but it has become more of an unconscious way of living than a conscience way, it happens now more without thought than it use to. The thing is I try to do my best to practice loving kindness and compassion each day, some days are good, some days are bad and some day are neutral, because life just is. <br />
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We this has been a long ramble, if you have made it this far cheers to you. I need to get myself showered then go get a haircut, which is odd for me because I never use to consider getting it trim when it was already short. I have an lunch interview Wednesday for a purchasing job, figured I need a trim to look as good as possible, will take the little silver loop out of my ear also:) I am trying my best not to focus too much on getting or not getting this job, what they are looking for and my background are a good fit but I have thought this before and not landed the job, the best I can do is be myself and share my knowledge, the rest is up whatever it is up to. <br />
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Peace Love Light <br />
Scottwolfie185http://www.blogger.com/profile/08113710218994046562noreply@blogger.com2