Pecking to be Pecking

“What I want to say is, we are all trying to get back home inside, back in touch with something which means something which is love and caring and that is what we have between us. It took me a long time to realize everything else is a bunch of well something else. Cause for a long time all I could remember to do was run away from myself and everyone who cared for me, you know." Stevie Ray Vaughan

Independence
We have to stay sober no matter how life treats us,
no matter whether nonalcoholics appreciate our sobriety or not.
We have to keep our sobriety independent of everything else,
not entangled with any people,
and not hedged in by any possible cop-outs or conditions.
- Living Sober, p. 64

I have been struggling with trying to change someone I can't, hoping a sick/irresponsible person will get responsible and grow up. I have allow her to effect my serenity. I tried doing some footwork to create change but she resisted the suggestions because she doesn't see how her actions are effecting her kids and me. She is just like her old man a few years back.

I wrote up a list of boundaries and expectations. I outlined what she needs to pay for living with me, when she has to be home so I don't miss my regular meetings and also things she needs to get done and to ask for help getting them done. I will also keep staying on top of this list, reminding her of things to make sure the important things don't get delayed whether she likes it or not.

Since I don't have any control over her all I can do is have my ducks in a row in case she messes up. I learned for the last episode, I know what has to be done if she gets in trouble again, I know exactly where to go to for legal assistance, what forms to be filled out and have authorized which will at least give me temporary guardianship of my grand babies. A good friend talked this over with me, he said all I can really do is sit back and see what happens. I pray also, I give my little ones love, support and guidance they need.

Deep inside I knew I couldn't force change, my concerned side was wanting to speed things up. When I sent a message to FB friends a couple of weeks ago it was written out of fear and the frustration the fear caused. With their mom staying out all night and not coming home until the afternoon I was fearful the little ones were not getting the love and attention they needed from their mom, Angel gets upset when mom isn't here, she is afraid mom won't come home again for a long time like before when she went to jail. I was frustrated/fearful because I have been spending a big part of my income on the kids and their mom, mom got things messed up again with HHS and benefits were dropped; no daycare, no insurance for the kids, no assistance with food. I was afraid mom's behavior would lead her back to jail or the hospital. I was frustrated that even though the little ones and I have a very strong and loving relationship, Papa shouldn't be the main one providing for their emotional needs.

Angel, 4 years old, has started calling me daddy on occasion. I think this may come from watching t.v. and seeing how most homes have a mommy and a daddy. She may be trying to make something non-traditional into something tradition according to what she is see in the world around her.

The money thing money has me a bit spooked. I try to be non-materialistic and not selfish, to not get wrapped up in what I am spending. The kids always have food which usually includes a weekly treat purchase, like fruit gummies, cantaloupe, peaches, etc. I have cut out bottled water, replaced it with 2 plastic jugs of water in the frig, we where going through a couple of cases a week. I started getting movies for Angel and me at the library, instead of Redbox. I also got out my old cigarette making devise to make my own smokes for around the house, I know I should stop all together but not in the right place to surrender. I have processed my needs and wants; been craving old David Bowie, Hunky Dory and Ziggy Stardust, both of which I had on vinyl, put both albums on the want list until things get better, using YouTube to get my fix. Having said all this I am grateful I have a home, can pay my bills, put gas in my truck and keep it insured. I am just going through a financial change do to my own actions; quiting my full time job to pursue a higher education, in time everything will become normal, the change is just stressful right now.

I have been working on my fears and frustrations with others. I share about them in general in meetings, talking about the importance of the steps and how they have helped me look at fear, what my part is and how I am not letting the fear become overwhelming, fear is present but not overwhelming. I have also use living in the moment quite a bit, doing what is in front of me and tackling a job at home which I have put off to keep me busy. It has taken a few 24 hours but I finally reached the point of surrender. I don't like drama and calamity and in true alcoholic fashion was looking for a quick fix not via booze or drugs but through other people and meetings. I acknowledge I was given another opportunity for growth. Through this challenge I was able to come home again, to get out of self, to see how I got into self, to stop worrying about the little ones and just give them what they need without the fear of what their mother is doing.

I have been working on this post for about a week, I am watching kids on the days mom works and even when she doesn't they are by my side, which is wonderful most of the time. Mom did give me part of her paycheck, which went to pay for an increased phone/Internet bill. Mom dropped the BF in South Carolina so I don't have to worry about her taking the kids out of state to live with a guy she hasn't seen in 5 years, who doesn't have a full time job, I had a feeling this would happen but still had things laid out to try and keep kids from moving just in case, she could go if she wanted, see how things worked out then in 6 months if all was good come get kids. She has a new BF, another loser in my opinion but it is her life. I talked to about this with a couple of old timers, who said they think she picks up guys in need of mothering so she doesn't have to look at herself and her own short comings. Once again the apple didn't fall too far from the tree.

 My work schedule has changed, the other person who works the evening shift needs Friday evenings free; she is taking an internship on Fridays and cannot commit to being at work by 3pm. I will be working Monday, Wednesday, Friday, have Saturdays off and we will alternate Sundays. This change in schedule helps out both her income and mine, instead of only working 2 days a week every other week, we both get 3 days regularly plus an added day every other week. I really enjoy working the hotel, talking to guest, making sure they enjoy their stay, selling the hotel to guest so we get good marks and return customers, playing the sly businessman who says "well how about I take $5.00 off the room rate," we get the sale and the guest is happy. With the exception of Friday nights, I will have some dead time to study; once I get towels folded, spot clean main areas, I walk around the hotel a few times a night to make sure everything looks good. The computer program came easy to me, doesn't take me much time to navigate it or find billing errors. The phone system can still kick my ass at times, mainly when I have 2 calls at once and have to interrupt one call to take another, I have to get over feeling like I am being rude to one customer in order to take a call from another.

All in all everything is going well or as it should be. I know things always work out if I put a little faith in Divine Providence. When I do this gig called life, one day at a time, I reap the benefits of the steps, I stay on the Middle Path. I need shaken up from time to time, it keeps me from getting complacent, teaches me new things, keeps me teachable, makes damn sure I use the spiritual tool kit and connect with others instead of trying to fly solo which is what I did in the past.

I am speaking out of town on Saturday, old friend of mine from here asked me to speak at her home group picnic in a town about 150 miles away. I have 3 buddies going with me for the road trip, old time AA at it's finest. I have pondered for a month what I was going to talk about. I now know I will talk about how a chronic drunk has found sobriety and has faced a lot of challenges in the 5-1/2 years he has been sober and stayed sober. I will share about overcoming the stigma of being a non-Christian in meetings which are dominated by Christians who sometimes forget what the BB and traditions say. I will talk about the deaths, the lost of jobs, the changes I done intentionally and those I had no control over. I will talk about the Solution, how it applies to my alcoholism and life in general. I will most definately praise how the obcession to drink has been lifted, now it is still mind boggling how this has happened, especially during challenging times.

Thanks for reading this long babble. Hope all of you are doing well with what life is giving you. Hope you are coming home to the you inside.

Peace Love Light

p.s. I re-enrolled in the VA for health care, last week I went of my check up. In 2009, last time I had a check with them, I had high blood pressure, 3 years later my blood pressure is good. I credit this to learning to live in the now and keep the stress in perspective. I still smoke a pack a day, have cut my coffee intake down to 1 pot a day, don't really exercise, still use salt because my taste buds are shot due to smoking. The only thing which has really changed is drinking more water and really learning to live life on life's terms. Not saying I need to continue the bad habits, I turn 50 next year and really have to make some health changes, my sponsor tells me to just keep praying for the willingness. I trust her, she has been smoke free for over 15 years.

Just somethings

Hey all, just writing because I like to do so every week or so. Angel is asleep on the couch and Carter in the bedroom, I have the t.v. on Nick Jr. which is showing a Franklin the turtle movie, this way when Angel wakes up there is something on she will watch without having to channel surf or her getting upset because Scooby Doo or Bugs Bunny isn't on, she is still to young to understand different shows come on at different times. I am not a big pro football fan so could care less about the super bowl.

The colonoscopy went well, the prep wasn't that bad for me, a lot of people I know complained about drinking the cleansing stuff, I just mixed in some Crystal Lite and drank it as fast as I could, first 2 glasses really fast the other 2 took about an hour, the results didn't bother me either. It was kind of funny because the kids were here and they are my little shadows, so at times I had both kids and even the dog in the bathroom with me, every time I went Carter followed, he would stand by the tub pulling on his shirt thinking Papa was going to give him a bath, he loves taking a bath. My biggest concern was being anesthetized, I have never been put under before, never had surgery. Now grant it I have passed out but never been put to sleep with anesthetics I didn't take myself. My ex and Mich both have a hard coming back around and get a bit sick. It was a rather cool experience, one minute I was talking and the next I was waking up in the recovery room talking to the nurse, I felt really good, think it might have been the drugs they gave me for the procedure, anyway she gave me a cup of coffee and I was good to rock and roll. I didn't over do it after the scope, didn't eat much just some chicken and a bit of candy, rested and watched movies. I am glad I had the colonoscopy done, it really gave me a good piece of mind because I am only 1 year away from 50 and they say colon cancer is a silent killer and I have had stomach troubles off and on for years.

The temperatures have been in the 50's and low 60's up until Friday. Friday started out with rain and by evening it was snowing, by midnight there was probably 6 inches of snow on the ground. One of the young guys at work is from El Salvador, he drives a Civic and lives in a hilly area. I told him when we left work at midnight, they let us go early due to the road conditions, if he had any problems to call me, sure enough he couldn't make it down his road, got stuck but was able to get out and head back to town. I met him at a gas station and took him home, even with the Suburban the road was treacherous. It is nice having the Suburban, knowing I can get around in the snow plus know it will come in handy this summer. We ended up with 10-12 inches of really wet snow, I stayed home all day and vegged out, made chili and brownies to eat on, the plant was closed due to the weather. It may not seem like much to others but spending a day in my house alone and being perfectly happy is a wonderful thing for me. Not that many years ago I would have started drinking early, probably run out, driven icy roads to get more, would have been pouring beer down the pity pot of loneliness and nobody loves me, boo hoo hoo. Somedays it still amazes me the cravings and compulsion to drink are gone, I give thanks every night when I lay my head on my pillow.

This morning at my home group meeting, a portion of We Agnostics was read, I love this chapter in the Big Book. For one it takes me back to how angry I was toward religion when I was drinking, how a major of the people I was associating with in recovery my first time around were very 1 sided on spiritual matters and how I suppressed my thoughts just to feel a part of the groups. I remember reading We Agnostics in treatment and the freedom I felt, the comfort of Bill's words retelling me it was alright to have my own understanding of a God, the realm of the spirit being broad enough for all conceptions of a power greater than ourselves. It also brought me back to a night early in this recovery. I was in a meeting, people were sharing about their God which seemed the same for everyone and I felt really disconnected, just about walked out in frustration. After the meeting I stood outside smoking and thinking about what I had heard, also talked to my sponsor. It was at this meeting I truly understood believing in my own concept of a God, not comparing my feelings about a God concept with what others were sharing, not comparing my insides with their outsides. I believe that night was a make or break point for me in my recovery, I stopped think so hard about what God was or wasn't and stopped comparing myself to others so much, I didn't stop the comparisons just started being more mindful of my comparing and how it make me feel. I still catch myself comparing on occasion but usually now when I do it I am looking closer at where I am falling short in working the steps daily or living a spiritual life. I need the reminders of where I have come from, I also need to share this with others because this morning there were people in the room who were feeling the same way I did 5 years ago.

Life is good in my tiny little speck of the universe. I do have some anxiety going on concerning the job prospect. I have been told I am the top candidate for the position and there are just some things the guy who would be hiring me needs to find out. The guy is the regional sales manager, so he has a lot on his plate which I understand so things will happen in his time not mine. I doubt I am much different than others when I foresee a new avenue possibly happening in my life, I think about the changes to come, ability to hit more meetings and put more time into DCM work, the freedom of weekends off, I am also more aware of muscle and body pains at work focusing my my mind on how I need to get a less physical job. I do my best to focus back in on the moment, to be grateful I have a job which pays my bills. Standing in the hallway waiting to see if a new door is going to come open sucks but it is what it is and I will be alright no matter the outcome. This is just a bit of honest reflection on what is going on within me, I know way too many others who are experiencing far worse challenges in life, these people are in my thoughts and prayers.

Writing this the morning after I started. The kids woke up about 1/2 way through, let them play in the tub together, then just play in the living room. End up with Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire being put in, Angel loves most of the Harry Potter movies, Carter played with his ball and didn't get into too much stuff but still kept Papa on his toes. Mich showed up at midnight to get them, Carter was asleep by then and Angel was ready to go home to her bed. She has got to the point where she still loves spending time with Papa but also wants to be home with mommy, Mich was working a lot of late evenings for awhile so both the kids missed being with her.

I am grateful for the life I have, for not have an obsession to drink, for my job, for my daughter and grand babies, for my health, for being able to shovel snow, for my sponsors and friends in recovery and for my friends not in recovery, for the awareness of the beauty of nature, seeing how beautiful the heavy snow is on the trees, for the sweet little dog who lays on my lap or whats to play ball when I get home from work, grateful I can afford a 4 wheel drive to get myself and others around in bad weather, grateful for the acceptance that nothing is permanent, grateful for another day to try my best to live a life based on recovery and Dharma principles, for a hot cup of coffee and a warm shower.

Peace Love Light
Scott

48 Years

Hey all, 48 years ago today I entered this world, "what a long strange trip it's been"!! I won't recount the journey, most of you know bits and pieces of it. Needless to say I am grateful to still be alive and also not locked up somewhere.

I am going to do something different here, I am going to Vent!. My morning started out with a text from my younger sister, wishing me happy birthday. I told her I hoped I would hear something on a job interview today, she replied "did you ask God for intervention". I replied, "faith without works is dead" and I have been doing the footwork and the rest was up to the Law of Karma. This has lead to a whole back and forth text conversation about basically her God versus my understanding of God.

My sister is one of those who went from drunken agnostic to sober born again Christian. Honestly folks I have nothing against Christianity, Jesus was an awesome teacher and if following his path and the path laid out in the Bible makes a persons life better, more peaceful by all means follow the path. I have seen many a sick person follow this path and become well. I know many who follow the path and are truly beautiful humans and dear friends of mine. What I don't like is when someone pushes their beliefs on me because they disagree with my beliefs. When it comes to being a Buddhist, most people to this out of total ignorance of Buddhism. All they know is the pop culture "fat smiling guy" who isn't the image of the real Buddha but was a Chinese monk. If you see an image of a skinny guy sitting in the lotus meditative position with his hair done in a funky do, it is probably closer to what the Buddha looked like but since photography was still 2500 years away no one living person really knows, same goes with what Jesus really looked like. I do find it amusing, Jesus is portrayed more like a European than a Middle Eastern Jew.

Anyhow my younger sister has always been one of those who thinks she is right. She is really like my dad, in that she won't give in to compromise, very opinionated. When she became a born again Christian, she imposed her views on everyone, in other words she got Preachy. She preached to her kids, her husband, co-workers and my family. When it became evident my dad wasn't going to live much longer, she became worried about him going to heaven, she gave him a book about heaven much to my amusement because dad had dementia and had stopped reading, plus dad didn't care about religion in the greater sense, he believed in his own way in a God force but I doubt he gave much thought the logistics of the God, wasn't intellectually inclined either, he lived a simple life without caring about philosophical things. She still preaches to my mom though. Now my mom is a good Christian, she goes to church every Sunday because as she says "it makes her feel better", she treats others with kindness, she admits her faults, she prays because she believes in the power of prayer and prayer aids those she cares about. She doesn't impose her views on others because she believes it isn't any of her business.

One of the things I like about Buddhism is, you are free to follow the path as you see fit. Like 12 step programs, the path is suggested. The choice is yours whether you are willing to go to any lengths to get what is offered by following the path, you can suffer as much or as little as you like. It is also about attraction not promotion. The few Buddhist teachers in the media spot light don't preach/witness. His Holiness the Dalai Lama is beautiful in this respect, a large majority of the time he is all smiles and compassion. If he is on the stage with other religious leaders, they tend to be all stern and somber, while he is smiling, laughing and making jokes. He understands rule 62 "don't take yourself to damn serious". I fall short on some of this; I still smoke, drink too much caffeine, don't do sitting mediation daily, don't have a formal teacher and still have some strong attachments I am working on.

Back to the text conversation. She didn't like my use of Law of Karma, she said it was God not Karma. I debated on responding but thought she needs hear where I am coming from, basically I wasn't going to allow her views to bully me. Like others I have allowed certain people to bully me and she one of those, so I decide I would stick up for my views. I replied back that I don't believe in God the way she does, I follow the Four Noble Truths, Eight Fold Path and believe in the Law of Karma. I told her this was my Higher Power/God of my understanding and the way I applied Spirituality to the practice of the 12 steps in my life, so I was better able to serve others and keep inter peace and serenity. She replied back with a Bible verse. I replied back, I fully comprehend Christianity but don't believe in it as a spiritual path for me, it is great it works for others but it isn't for me, I also said Jesus was a beautiful teacher but I don't agree with the Bible on a lot of things. I suggested she read "Living Buddha, Living Christ" by Thich Hnat Hanh to better understand where I am coming from, I also said "end of conversation. Agree to Disagree." She ended by saying this conversation wasn't Karma, it was ordained and orchestrated by Him, as a gift to me. She also said she loved me. My only reply back was I loved her too. She had the last word but I was know the texting was going nowhere, plus it was mentally exhausting, for one I am not the worlds best texter.

This conversation hasn't disrupted my day. It did temporarily make me angry. My selfish nature thought "how dare you on my birthday make it about you and your beliefs, couldn't you at least have consideration for my path on this one day!" What my heart told me was, I have to accept her for who she is, she hasn't grasped letting go of selfishness. She keeps herself in turmoil because she tends to worry too much about others beliefs and perceptions, how others are living their lives, this is her lot and I honestly feel sorry for her. My ego bit is to say, maybe she needs to sit in a few more meetings, listen to how it is about changing ourselves and not others, about accepting we can't change others, each person is the way they are out of some Divine providence which we as simple mortals have no control over.

I am not an angel when it comes to being non-selfish. I still get a bit angry when people don't act or react the way I feel they should, the reason I shy away from too much politics or the media attention on religion and world affairs. I get pissed when people can't grasp recovery principles, especially when they have been clean and sober for a number of years, when they only read the parts of the Big Book they like and skip over the rest. Yes I am just as guilty of playing God, wanting to change the will of the God concept to fit my needs instead of allowing the concept to takes it's natural course. I want people to read my resume and think "WOW what a great candidate for this position, better get him in here for an interview." Karma hasn't helped my resume, 2 jobs in 18 months, termination and I have a feeling my last employer isn't giving me a good reference because I really hurt her feelings and she is holding a recent towards me, just a guess, could be wrong. I did more footwork on Friday, so now I will just have to be still and see what happens.

I kept Angel again this weekend, we had a great time, mainly because grandpa lets her play with what every she wants as long as it isn't dangerous or breakable. She made a big mess and today I have to vacuum plus clean up a small mess I was too tired to fool with last night.

Gratitude:
I am sober at 48, years of drunk driving didn't kill me or anyone else.
I have a family, sister above included, who love me and even if we disagree still want to talk to me.
I have wonderful daughter and 2 beautiful grand babies I am honor to watch all of them grow and be a part of their lives.
I have wonderful friends who give me love, encouragement and tough love when needed.
I have roof over my head, food in the frig, gas in the car and the main bills are paid up.
I can read and write, I can hear music, the voices of nature and other sounds.
I have a little dog who needs and loves me.
I have spiritual path I not only am comfortable with but enjoy walking, a connection to a God of my understand which is special and personal.
I am grateful for AA and the path it has given me.
I have inter peace and acceptance more times than not, I am no longer the confused and angry person I once was.
I love me today, I humbly say this is a biggie, once upon a time I didn't.

Love and Peace to all my blogger friends, you make me smile in more ways than you know, I am grateful for everyone of you. This day is about all who have touched my life!

Nameste