My job, My plans for future

As the busy season at work is dwindling down my afternoons are becoming longer with less to do, so I find myself thinking of things to write about. I am a buyer for a small manufacturing company, our business is Ag related so our busy season starts around September and ends in June, my primary purpose the afternoons is to answer questions or contact people for the answer to those questions, once in a while there is odd emergency order that needs to be place but for the most part not a lot happens. I don’t hate my job or the company I work for, they have been good to me over the years, they were big enablers in the later days of my active alcoholism and have defiantly support my recovery, they have let me take time off when I had stuff going on with my daughter, they provide a comfortable living and are easy to get a long with.

I have been reading some different blog’s lately and notice a common thread and that is not being truly happy in their jobs. This is something I can relate to and for the same reason, people and their attitudes and actions. For me what has happen is the long I stay sober and the more my spirituality grows the less I can justify working with people who’s words and actions go against my spiritual principles. Every morning I have to have a little time for pray and mediation because as soon as I walk into my office I am surrounded by negative energy. My boss has bent over backwards for me over the 10 years that we have work in the same office together but he is a very negative and pessimistic person. I will not and can not repeat his words of profanity and vulgarity, the demeaning way he talks about salesmen, engineers and others who don’t see things his way, yes he is selfish and centered to the max, he is also a sexist and racist. A couple of people in production are the type who are never wrong, everything they do is bigger and better, everything wrong that happens is someone else’s fault, anyone who makes a mistake that effects then is a idiot (that is a mild term) one of these guys works outside my door so I hear him quite a bit and the other comes into my office at break or for no other reason than just to BS with the boss. The rest of the employees are decent with the garden variety personalities. I have been in the manufacturing profession for 16 years with only one previous employer. The headaches of sales order ship dates not matching component lead times, the greedy emphasis on monthly ship goals, inventory errors, vendor errors, the fighting and back stabbing between departments has taken me to a point where I am ready to make a career change and one into a totally different direction. I am grateful for the spiritual opportunities I have received because of my mental conflicts at work. Because of my boss, I have learned to mediate at my desk or step outside and mediate, I have learned to hear and see nature on my trips outside, he has helped me to control my own foul month and work on Right Speech more strongly, to more closely evaluate my morals and ethics and work hard on correcting the errors in them, he has taught me to sit silently and not get caught up in the game, he has given me more opportunities to practice living the 12 steps of recovery and Buddhism than he will ever know. The 2 co-workers have taught me to think more about interdependence and radical acceptance so that I don’t start to mentally slaughter them with the double edged sword in my mind. I have learned to accept where I work and I am in no huge hurry to leave, I am not a huge risk taker and think things completely through before I make a huge life change, today’s economy isn’t safe enough to not think ahead.

One of the paths on the Eightfold Path is Right Livelihood. The worst thing that can be said bout my company when it comes to the effect it has on the environment, society and the world as a whole is that the product we makes assist in the application of harmful chemicals that are applied on crop fields. You will find negative and spiritually unhealthy people in most jobs, unless you work totally alone and then sometimes you are stuck with a negative and sick person too, so the personalities are not a big deal in Right Livelihood. I have stayed in this part of rural Nebraska for my daughter and parents. This is a great area for raising a child on your own even if that child gets into trouble it would have been worse in a larger city. My parents are elderly and my dad transcended last November, I have done what I could to assist them over the years. Now that dad is gone my mother is doing alright because she doesn’t have the extra burden of having to care for dad. Also my oldest sister said she would start assisting mom more. My daughter graduates from high school on the 17th of May and by the end of summer she will be out on her own completely, her plans are to move to Denver and attend massage therapy college, as much as I hate to see her and my grandbaby move that far away it is time she starts her own path in life with all the ups and downs. If she does go to Denver she will have to learn to take care of her own problems because dad won’t be handy to bail her out or fix something which will be good for me also. I have no interest or reason to move to Denver. At one time in my life I liked big cities but over the last few years I have become more and more Countrified, I like the slower pace, I like my open fields. My intensions are to move to Lincoln; Lincoln is bigger than where I live now, with ethnic restaurants, specialty shops, a bohemian community, a Zen temple, lots of AA meetings and a strong recovery community in general. I have quite a few friends down there so the transition won’t be too hard, plus I am fairly familiar with Lincoln. Job wise I want to use my talents for speech, insightfulness, positive attitude, experience as a recovered alky, to a practicing alky whose actions cause his daughter to become a ward of the state and more, to a recovered alky again whose life outstanding and whose daughter life is extremely better also. Lincoln has a lot of halfway house and group homes; there are also a few treatment centers there also. I do not want to be a counselor, I have seen too many recovered alcoholics and addicts go into counseling and suffer from burnout because they spent too much time working on others and stopped taking care of themselves. I just want to be around to assist where I can and give something back whether it be with new people in recovery or troubled kids, to me this is the proper use of the Dharma and 12 steps.

So that is my spiel about my job and what I hope to achieve in the future. First off I need to make some minor repairs to my house so can put it on the market for sale, once that is done I can use the money live on while I find a job in Lincoln and a place to live.

Outside the Comfort Zone

Hello anxiety my old friend you’ve come to talk to me again and sending shadows through my mind of things that aren’t real, illusions from a fear (thanks Paul Simon). I have a clearance that allows me to be involved with AA meetings at the county jail. I have only been to 1 meeting since I was cleared in November 2008 mainly due to the fact that the jail meeting conflicted with the mental health hospital meeting that I was supporting. About 2 months ago there was a fallout between the guy who had been conducting meetings at the jail for the last 5 years or so and the inmates; it seems they wanted more NA meetings and less AA meetings or none at all, a majority of the inmates are locked up for meth related offenses. Background, NA has meetings the first 2 Thursday’s of every month and AA has the rest of the Thursday’s so on occasion there are 3 AA meetings due to the month having 5 Thursday’s in it. The guy who was conducting the meetings didn’t contact anyone in upper service work to explain the situation or ask for help, he just stopped showing up. A close friend of mine in recovery is doing 35 days for getting caught bending the rules, he is has work release so he can call me, he really wanted an AA meeting so he asked if I could help and I said I would. I contacted another member who has clearance and he said he would try to help but wasn’t sure since he is still on probation for a domestic violence charge, just cause we get sober doesn’t mean we still don’t have troubles due to character defects that are left unaddressed. The jail is one of those places that brings up anxiety, I have spent a bit of time in jail so the odor of the disinfectant has an almost haunting effect on me even though bring in jail was a dull and boring event but still a bit stressful due to lack of freedom and living conditions. Another thing that brings anxiety is that I was a notorious bad check writer in my drinking days and even though it has been over 2-1/2 years since I have drank there is this paranoia that even after the background check an outstanding warrant will surface. And lastly in the anxiety column is the inmates themselves, I am not a very big person, not muscular and pretty non-violent, so some of the inmates can be a bit intimidating. Some inmates are very angry people and their anger can flare up when talking in a group setting, basically they are venting, very rarely do they cause trouble but my fear is they will and since no guards attend the meetings and we are locked in the cafeteria my mind drifts to the worst possible scenario. So this is where I was at off and on yesterday.

The other guy showed up at the jail and had no problems getting permission to enter. He had conducted meetings in jail before and chaired the meeting. Most of the inmates shared about themselves and what they where going through without getting obnoxious. Most of them thanked us for being there. A couple of the jail staff members thanked us and mentioned the absence of AA meetings and told us to please come back. So once again my anxiety was for nothing, the illusions that messed with me off and on yesterday proved to be just that illusions. Once again a lesson learn, maybe next time I face something challenging the anxiety will only be half as much.

This is not the first time I have stepped outside my comfort zone in recovery. I am by nature rather quiet and reserved, not one who stands around and talks a lot, when I do talk I do so with minimal BS and speak from my heart. I have been on panels and chaired panels at the nursing college, a family advocacy group, probation officers board meeting, I have chair meetings where the majority of people in attendance where from a drug and alcohol awareness class. I just recently spent 2 days with another guy at the state family physicians conference in an AA booth talking to doctors about alcoholism and AA’s role in recovery. I also gave a talk on working with professionals at a state AA workshop, some of those in attendance I admire greatly for their commitment to service worker and their speaking abilities. I have been blessed and gifted with the ability to speak articulately and to share my insight in a way that others can comprehend, not in long drawn out rambles but with shorter to the point statements and metaphors. I enjoy doing service work, I was told early on never to turn down an AA request unless absolutely necessary and also by doing so I am freely given back what was freely given back to me, this is also a blessing and has nothing to do with me other than service work is about learning to be humble and selfless. I have learned that if I share from the heart then the right words will come, if I try and be funny I will fail, I try and sound profane I will fail, I try and show off I will fail, by fail I mean sound phony and ex-drunks can pick up on that really fast. It gets easier every time I step out side the comfort zone, not that I am not nervous but experience has taught me to just flow with it, know that I will be alright and that what will be will be, just as it was proven yesterday.

It was reminded to me again today in a book I am reading by Kevin Griffin, it is about progress and not perfection, we are not saints. Stepping outside the comfort zone is about letting go of self, it is an exercise in non-self, it is about putting the Four Noble truths and the Eightfold Path into practice to the best of my ability. It is about trusting my Higher Power, the Dharma, and faith in the teachings I have received so far on this journey. It is about all the little prayers and short mediations I do during the day when faced with discomfort and need to re-harness the inner peace. Some times awareness needs a helping hand from illusion to open my mind, this is alright though, this is how I learn sometimes, a bit of discomfort leads to using a different tool, once in a while we need to round the head off the bolt with the vise grips to realize we just need to get the correct size wrench to fit the job.

Namaste

10 Honest Things about Me

Monica at http://nebuddhist.blogspot.com/ posted her 10 honest things so I am passing it on, some of this I have been thinking about posting anyway so now is a good opportunity to get them out on cyber paper.

10 Honest Things about me

1) I smoke way too much, drink too much coffee and eat too much meat and not enough fruits and vegetables, oh yeah I am addicted to salt, no wonder I am on high blood pressure medicine.
2) I have a hard time with childish behavior, in fact childish behavior in others pisses me off, I can’t stomach stupid comedies, belching or flatulence out loud and joked about, giggling at sexually innuendo’s, childish sexual remarks in general.
3) I hate profanity or vulgar language used for the sake of just saying “bad words” I can swear with the best of them but when I swear it is in context or to make a point that otherwise couldn’t be made, I suppose this is hypocritical thinking but that’s me.
4) In response to #’s 2 and 3, I take myself too damn seriously and have to keep in mind rule #62 “Don’t take yourself too damn Seriously!!” work on it, work on it, work on it.
5) I have been given the gift of insight but am learning when to share it and when to not, daily awareness through Dharma practice.
6) Sometimes I want to smack people upside the head with a reality stick but know they have to live in their own ignorance and suffering, just hope which they would hurry up and wake up so they can live in inner peace.
7) I have an ego problem, my self centeredness causes me to take others inventories too often, working on this but it is slow progress
8) I love animals and am in harmony with them sometimes more so than humans
9) I am quite comfortable being alone but know I can’t isolate, isolation is dangerous for this ex drunk, I need to interact with people on a regular bases, 1 it keeps my ego in check, 2 when I am with others in recovery it reminds me of where I came from, 3 it provides reassurance that my path even though it may be the one less traveled is best path for me to travel on.
10) I still have a hard time with compassion and interdependence towards all, my sick human side still wants revenge against people I consider evil doers, still can’t be 100% pacifistic, I have to constantly tell my self when I am judging others by their appearance, attitudes, social stanches that we are all One dependent upon each other, that we are connected by the air we breath, our chemical make up and our need for love and security. A am working on overcoming my intolerance of Fundamentalist religions, especially the Christians whose loud mouths are covered 24/7 by the media and who have infiltrated society even in places that use to be completely non-bias.
11) O.k. I added one, I don’t know how to flirt and can’t tell the difference between flirting and just simple friendship and basic kindness from someone of the opposite sex especially if I am a bit attracted to them, try as I might to not care about finding a companion I still try to figure things out, when a pretty lady is giving me a bit of her attention, this is a damn hard one to overcome/mature/learn about.

I have some work to do but I try and chip away at the defects of character as best I can, some days I am sick and love to roll in the manure of my sick judgmental behaviors but most of the time my conscience/awareness stops me before I get carried away. Every morning I take a few minutes for prayer and calm mediation, I give thanks for still being sober and alive, I seek awareness of my selfish nature and the ability to counter it using the Eight Fold Path, several times a day I step outside and listen intensely to the sounds of nature, animals and the wind. Be doing these things I stay fairly calm and get excited about life’s happenings and others defects less often.
The above list seems to be mostly about the negative so here is a short positive list; when asked I help others out if at all possible, answer the phone no matter what time it is, I give back to recovery what was freely given to me, I stay positive most of the time and smile, I am friendly without having to think about it, my granddaughter thinks I am the greatest and my daughter loves and respects me again, it is becoming easier to practice being humble and I keep my mouth shut more often, I am on longer a social burden. I don’t gossip and what is said to me stays with me, except is in recovery I seek the advise sometimes from trusted older members.

Season of the Newcomers

It is the season of newcomers for me, I am sponsoring 5 new guys in recovery and I have a newcomer staying in my spare room so I talk with her, give her what experience, strength and hope I can and for the things I can’t I give her the names of those who can be of more assistance. Dogen Zenji stated “ To study the Way is to study the self. To study the self is to forget the self. To forget the self is to be enlightened by all things of the Universe.” Helping newcomers in recovery isn’t actually studying the Way but it is practicing the 8 Fold Path and I am not looking for enlightenment but it is probably a byproduct. When I sit and talk with these people going over how they are powerless over alcohol and drugs, how their use of alcohol and drugs has damaged their lives, physically, mentally, spiritually, financially; how they have caused harm to those closest to them, I have to go back to my own history of damage. Every time I go through what I went through it shines more light on my own way of living, each of these people is different so in talking to them I have to touch the part of me that they can relate to. I have to be aware of how parts of my history are similar to theirs, I have to really listen to what they are saying and think before I respond, I have to study self to give self. These people depend on me to help them to the best of my ability to assist them in staying and living a sober life, they are trusting me which is a big step for them and a big responsibility for me. I have to be aware of how I am living my life, that I am living a life based on the principles I try and bestow to them. When I tell them they are powerless over other people and other things and that if we allow other people and circumstances in life to effect us negatively then we are only adding to our own suffering, then I need showing them by example. They have witnessed that I live a relatively peaceful life, that I am positive and happy, I also share with them when I am struggling and the challenges I face and also that I have to go to my teacher for help too. I have to understand my own feelings, defects and strengths. I have to touch my fears so they can understand their fears better, same goes for breaking down anger, ego, pride, low self esteem, resentments, all of which stem from self and the want of the big I, the “I want”, “I need” “they aren’t”, “they don’t” the stuff that messes with our inter peace because life isn’t going the way I want it to go and the way “I” want it to go is my way, no hassles, no pain, no conflict, no confrontations and so on. Every time I have one of these discussion I grow a little bit myself. I awaken my mind a bit more too where I am falling short and work towards handling situations a bit better.
I take it really easy on the spiritual part of recovery. I am a strong believer in letting everyone find a concept of a Higher Power that they are comfortable with. Too many people in recovery get fouled up early on because they are trying too hard to get the “God thing” down pat, they are forcing themselves to believe as others believe and get discouraged, which in turns creates mental anguish. I explain to them my way of understanding a Divine Creator, a being that created the Universe and all that is natural. Unless they want to get into a deeper discussion I leave my thoughts on a Higher Power at that. I explain my Buddhism to them as a spiritual path that works for me. I talk about the first 3 Noble Truths but don’t go to far into the 8 Fold Path, this is the easiest and most comprehensive way for me to explain suffering, how to recognize the suffering and how to neutralize the suffering, once again this is done in the most basic form. My favorite thing to tell them is about inviting the feeling to sit down and have tea with us, to greet the emotion as a guess and by sitting down and having tea with the emotion we are taking the power away from the emotion and treating it as an equal, just the 2 of us sitting across from each other sipping tea neither one get anxious over the other one, that when we honestly honor the feelings as a path to growth we become at peace with the feelings; I explain this takes a lot of practice but with practice it gets easier to deal with uncomfortable emotions, I find that I have the hardest time going this when I am angry at someone or something. Once again by going over these things I am reminded that I need to make sure I am practicing what I am suggesting to others. I do share about the importance of prayer and basic breathing mediation. For me my morning pray is a way of saying thanks for being alive and sober, I set my mind on a positive path by reminding myself to practice the 8 Fold Path, compassion and loving kindness through out the day, lately I have been visualizing being a peaceful river flowing through the lives of others, I also do a short breathing exercise, all of these things assist me in meeting life on life’s terms, to counter the negative vibes at work or those that just come with the world we live in. There are times during the day when I have to repeat some of these actions over again because I am allowing others to effect me. I end each night by giving thanks for another day, reflect on the positive events and once again do a short breathing mediation. I explain the benefits of doing this for me and suggest it to them to try going the same in what ever form they feel comfortable with.
It would be great if there was a guarantee that all of us stay sober and clean for the rest of our time on earth but there isn’t. The best that we can do is live each day on a spiritual plain, have regular contact with others in recovery and remember what happened when we drank, meaning the destructive side, the feeling of being utterly alone, the darkness and misery. I am grateful that these people are in my life, they help me get out of self, they remind me of where I came from and where I can go again, they assist me in my recovery as much as I assist them.
As with Buddhism, part of being in recovery is the community of people on the same path, our meeting rooms are the gathering place for the recovery sangha, we need each other. Some times the teachers and the students change roles which is the invisible hand of growth moving us around. Like any community there is good and bad, being in recovery doesn’t mean we give up free will, I suggest based on my experience, perceptions and knowledge and you do the same for me, some times my ignorance comes out the same as yours, we are free to make mistakes, we are free to follow the teachers we choose, we are free to suffer, we are free to be joyful and serene. There are no must, no matter how much people talk about God, steps, slogans, catchphrases, passages from literature, none of this is mandatory. What I am trying to say is there is a bit of prejudice out there towards 12 step recovery a programs, I am not so blind that I can’t see some of the problems that exist but over all 12 step programs do and have saved the lives of a huge number of alcoholics and addicts.

Namaste
Scott