Gifts

When I cranked up the mower both kids had to see what I was doing. Angel helped from time to time but Carter stayed in this position the whole time. He would get mad when I had to lift him out out of the way to do some closer work, sometimes I just picked him up, put his hand on the bar and maneuvered the mower with him attached. I will have to buy a plastic mower for him to push along side papa, so we can mow together. My grand babies are a gift and I am grateful I can really enjoy being in the present with them. It is a gift to not get upset when they try to help me and slow me down in the process, to be patient with their curious minds. I let them play with hammers, small gardening tools and other things from the shed, it isn't an inconvenience to make sure they are safe or not messing something up. They are a gift to be cherished each moment they are around, even though they to tend to smother me with attention. I am finding ways to get some me time, there is a nice small lake park a couple of miles away, I can go there take a walk, mediate or just sit and read. We only have the here and now and I do my best to live in the moment at hand.

Prayer Girl, a blogger I really miss, once wrote and I am paraphrasing, " sometimes when one door closes and we just have to sit in the hallway and wait for another to open". I have returned to her words often since I read them, they are a reminder to me to not let situations I dislike get me down because in time a new door will open, we don't know when but one will always open in time. This is what happen with my job situation.

Monday I walked into one of the employment agencies, they had posted a custodial/general maintenance job, listed as part time but not specific as to whether part time meant less than 40 hours or not long time employment. The lady told me it was only 25 hours a week. I told her I was looking for something seasonal with 40 hours, something to pay the bills and keep me busy until school starts in August. She said the grain elevator in a town 10 miles away was looking for someone to mow, weed, trim and do general ground maintenance, pay was more per hour than I make now, she called the guy and I was scheduled to meet him in an hour. Her data base was on the fritz so she couldn't send him my resume but told me to just go and she would send him my information later.

I told him my work history and also my personal knowledge of maintenance. Told him I like to say busy and find stuff to do when things get slow. He asked about my understanding of safety, company has been almost 7 years without a reportable accident, meaning an accident which required medical attention. I told him you have to be aware of possible hazards all the time and good housekeeping is important. Between the Air Force and manufacturing work, I have learned you have to keep your eyes always open to things which may harm you or others, gave examples of forklift driving, using proper lifting procedures and utilizing all tools available to make the job safer. I was honest about going to college in August and wanting a job for the summer, wanting a normal day time job with weekends off so I can spend time with family and friends. He said if I was hired and things worked out maybe he could work around my classes and have work for me in the fall as well.

O.k. side note for those who don't know. Grain elevators are tall storage units for corn and soybeans, Midwest skyscrapers. They also have concrete bunkers or large piles of corn. The grain is purchased from the farmers at market rate, the grain is the loaded on trains and transported to manufacturers. Field corn is different from the corn you buy in the stores, it doesn't have very much nature sweetening content, the corn you eat is a hybrid actually, originally corn was not sweet. The corn produced by farmers in dried on the stock prior to harvesting and then dried some more, the corn is checked at the elevator for moisture content, if it is too wet it will spoil in storage. Grain bins and elevators have large dryers to assist in the drying process. The elevator areas including offices, maintenance shop and bunkers covering about 10 city blocks.

So anyway by the time I got back to town I was hired. Evidently the guy liked my answers and trusted my experience. I will start a week from Monday, not sure what all I am suppose to do other than mow, clean up around the grounds, trim and pull weeds. I may have to clean out bunkers and also do some vehicle maintenance and general cleaning. I don't really care what I am going to be doing, it has be easier on my body than lifting and bending steel, less repetitive motion. I get work outside, I will be working 7am to 4:30pm mainly Monday thru Friday, maybe the odd weekend all depends on what needs to be done and if the weather during the week keeps me from getting my work done during the week.

I am taking this coming week off, one for some R&R and second try to get my mind and body use to going to bed at a normal time and getting up in the morning. I am use to going to bed around 5am and now I will be getting up at 6am. I have also made plans to meet up with a couple of friends for supper during the week and hit a couple of meetings I haven't been to in over a year.

I will now be able to attend meetings during the week, not sure which meetings I will pick up for sure. I started a Living Sober meeting on Friday night a couple of years ago and will probably start going to it. I will start doing jail meetings again for sure, we really lack in people willing to chair or participate in jail meetings. I will have my summer free for camping or just doing something on the spur of the moment with friends. I will be able to see my friends on a more regular bases and also connect with some new people. Basically I get my social life back and have a less stressful job to boot.

So I sat in the hallway for a year with a job I didn't really like. I was up and down with acceptance and taught about patience and tolerance. I found out I could do manual labor after sitting at a desk for 16 years. I had to make the best of meetings and really talk to my sponsor and friends, be open and honest about my feelings. I had blind faith in the impermanence of everything and trusting that the God of my understanding would see me through this and I would come out the other side better for it. I did and lot of footwork and didn't like the results I wanted but this lead me to seeking the path of going to college and finding a temporary job and not worrying about full time employment for now.

The promises in the Big Book have come true once again and I have been given another gift.

Well campers, I need to take a shower and get ready for the day. Tonight we are having a potluck and speaker meeting, need to make a pasta salad. The guy who is speaking was 1 grade ahead of me in school, we were not friends back then, in fact he use to bully me. He has been sober for just over a year and we are building a friendship based on who we are today and not who we were 30 years ago.

Love and Blessings to all. Enjoy your gifts!!

Peace Love Light

Scott



Thank you Psychic Change

"On the other hand—and strange as this may seem to those who do not understand—once a psychic change has occurred, the very same person who seemed doomed, who had so many problems he despaired of ever solving them, suddenly finds himself easily able to control his desire for alcohol, the only effort necessary being that required to follow a few simple rules."
The Doctor's Opinion page xxix

For me the last couple of weeks have been nuts; frustration, overly busy, added drama, lack of me-time. Each night when I lay in bed and say my prayers I also give thanks for the not having the obsess to drink, I give thanks to God, whatever It is, that I not drinking has become as normal as breathing in and out.

I am a garden variety drunk but this plant in the universal garden of life at one time could not function without a drink. I always drank after work, which meant I had a cooler of beer in my car for the 1/2 hour drive home and if I didn't feel like going right home I would drive around country roads drinking until I did. When I worked a part job at a convenience store and I had a few hours prior to going to work I would drink and once it got really slow in the store I would keep an open beverage in the cooler to sip on. On weekends I would get up, drink a pot of coffee and then start drinking; starting around 11am and stoping sometime around midnight. I couldn't go anywhere in the car without a cooler of beer nor could I attend any function without drinking before hand and reaching my hand into the cooler when it was over.

Here is what is going on with me.

Mich never had her own checking account. Her bf controlled all her money. When they split due to the eviction I found out she was flat broke and bf would not give her any money, saying she blow all her tax refund. They were and he still is involved in a multi level marketing thing, one of the those programs were you get people under you so you can advance. The program is about discount hotels, airfare, trips and online purchases. They do presentations to friends and anyone interested in hopes they will sign up under you and you make a profit from them signing up and there purchases plus anyone they recruit. Another added expense is going to motivational conferences. Neither one works a regular job and both, especially him believe they will make a bunch of money off of this. I told Mich these types of programs are kind of alright if you use them for a side income but are not a living income. She agrees with me but still believes they can make a bunch of money in the long run.

Mich and bf split of over money and him not supporting her or the kids. He is not willing to watch the kids while she job hunts and will not even give her gas or basic needs money. Of course this doesn't sit well with me but I am powerless. I have also kindly pointed out to Mich her roll in all her current troubles, she isn't white as snow in all this.

The kids are smothering me. Angel is still awake at 3am when I get home. She talks to papa until we go to bed, she sleeps with me. When I get up both Angel and Carter are by my side a great deal. Via a conversation with my sponsor, we figured out that not only I am I papa but I am a calm person in their lives and give both positive attention and love. Yes I get after them when they do something wrong but not with loud anger. Mich shows them love too and is good about positive construction discipline. Mich is having depression troubles though all this so she isn't 100%, so they gravitate to papa.

I was going to physical therapy 5 days a week and I now down to 3 times a week, 1 hour a day. This was really messing with my free time also, session are in the middle of the afternoon. Therapy is helping and the exercises they have taught me help me out at work when the shoulder/neck pain starts. It isn't all bad just an added something to adjust to. Ever hear the saying "alcoholics hate change".

I applied for vocational rehab assistance, since alcoholism is considered a disability. Friend of my was able to get some tuition assistance from them. I was turned down because I am recovering successfully. Not a big deal, it was just a footwork avenue to explore to make college a bit cheaper.

Took my Compass test to see what basic classes I will need for college, mandatory requirement prior to enrolling. I scored a 95 in reading comprehension, 67 in writing and a 49 in math. Knew the math would be low, I don't have a mathematical mind, if i can see a practical use for math then I understand it but if a fraction isn't on a tape measure then it is useless to me, 13/25 is not a useful or understandable fraction to me. My advisor told me to hold off on math until my 2nd semester, to first take classes which I am interested in, then tackle the harder subjects. I haven't been in school since 1981, so I had already made up my mind my first semester would be classes of interest which would make studying and homework easier. I will take a writing class, business class or 2 and a psychology class. If I decide to move on after 2 years and get a bachelors degree I will have to take an algebra class but by the time this rolls around hopefully I will be in the groove and the class will not be too hard plus there are free tutors available.

Work sucks! Part of the problem is me. Being on light duty I feel I am not pulling my weight and worry about my coworkers and supervisors. The other part is having a supervisor who is not familiar with the machines we operate. I have been running an old machine which has a really crappy computer program, it takes a 1/2 at least to program it from scratch. The boss whats his production numbers and is pushing us hard, understandable but also it is frustrating when he doesn't understand the challenges of the machines we run. O.k I am grateful for having a job and mental tools which allow me to calm down to a certain extent when I get frustrated at the machine and the boss. I have decided since I am going to quit in August anyway to start looking for a summer job now. I can hopefully find a seasonal job doing mowing or grounds maintenance which will hold me over until classes start in August. Starting around August depending on where I am working, I will try and find a couple of part time jobs to keep me afloat. I also want my weekends relatively free this summer, my current job doesn't allow for this, we have already started working 10 hours on Saturdays.

The way I am looking at the whole work deal is like this; this job has been stressful and too physically demanding from the get go, I now have a clear plan of action for better employment also. I feel I might as well bit the bullet, take a bit of a pay decrease and enjoy my summer, have my weekends and evening pretty much free. Footwork, footwork, footwork is what it will take.

So am going though what for me is a slightly stressful time. I make my Sunday morning home group meeting but that is about all. I meet with my sponsor once a week, actually met a couple of times last week just to download on her. She has been a God sent, she is not my God but is It's voice and ears at times. By finding a God of my understanding and working the steps daily, 1, 3, 10 and 11 plus awareness of defects and willingness to work on them, I have not had a desire to drink. I am still in awe of this fact, this goes against my whole previous behaviors, it is amazing and a miracle. The program of recovery outlined in the books Alcoholics Anonymous and the 12 and 12 really works for me/us if we work it.

I am not skipping down the yellow brick road but I am reasonably sane, serene and accepting of the challenges in my life. I have the mental ability to understand what footwork I need to do to change those things I don't current like in my life and to accept the powerlessness over other things. I love my daughter and grand babies and am glad I am here for them, I am adjusting to their presence but having to search out ways to have some alone time. It is wonderful to be able to find solutions via my God and others in recovery. I really can't say enough about how good it is to not be a total mess right now.

I am not saying my challenges are worse than anyone else, just saying how grateful I am for the tools to get through my challenges. I continue to pray and send positive energy to all my friends facing much harder challenges than me!!

Peace Love Light
Scott

House just got smaller

So I missed a call from Mich early on at work Tuesday night, so called her back on my break, she informed me she was evicted from her apartment and was moving in with me. Serious oh fuck and what the fuck combined in one. I didn't get aggresively angry at her or yell, I have had similar experiences in the past with her, yelling is fruitless. My dad was a yeller and it never solved anything with me, so with recovery I understand it doesn't do any good with her.

First thing I asked her is why she didn't use her tax refund to pay up her past due rent, she said they were looking for a new place to live and hoped to be out before they would be kicked out. She also told me they didn't go to the court appointment on the eviction notice, this screwed them out of having 30 days to move their stuff. Oh yeah the "they" is her on again off again bf and Carter's father, seems once again she thinks he will change and they can play happy family, sorry I don't have any faith in the kid changing. Tuesday night they were moving all their stuff to either my house or bf's parents basement. Bf is living with his parents, we have mutual minor dislike for each other, we are civil and respectful to each other but there is no way he could stay here with out major fireworks happening down the road, fireworks which would be light by both of us.

I understand how she let this happen, I have never been evicted but do understand thinking things won't come to the worst, the feeling of being invincible. My drinking career was checked with pushing the limits, I pushed the limits on paying bills, had my power shut off more than once, I rarely had car insurance and I finally got busted for drunk driving not once but twice within a years time frame. She doesn't drink anything like I used but doesn't know how to manager her money, can't decifer needs from want's, something which took me being sober to really put into place and still have to be mindful of.

I get upset with both Mich and bf for not holding down jobs. She blames not being able to find daycare, don't understand this because I think HHS would help but then again maybe she has burned some bridges with them and can't get the help she needs. Bf has a bad history of job jumping, quiting jobs because they are too hard or whatever, from the 3 years I have known him I get the feeling he is flat out lazy. I have had to and continue to admit I am powerless over Mich and bf when it comes to work ethics and finances.

I did some personal reflection on her situation and previous troubles, trying to see if I contributed to then in some large way. She was 15 when I got sober, up until that point I had held down a full time job and a couple of part time jobs on the side at different times, granted the part time jobs gave me extra money to support my habits. You can say she was raised relatively poor but always had a home, food in the frig, money for school events and was treated well on holidays and her birthday. What she didn't have until I got sober were a lot of new clothes and other nicer things. When I got sober I change my spending habits over time and tried to be a good example to her. I have been honest with her about how I have survived when things got tough, talked to her about how she could make her food stamps go further, how to limit how much driving she does, about calling companies when she can't make full payments on bills. I also live a simple and comfortable life and spend within my means with a bit extra now and then from saving. So I think I have done a halfway decent job of showing and talking to her about financial responsibility. I have helped her out along the way too mainly because she has kids and I want to make sure their needs are met, my parents have help my siblings and me out off and on too so this is kind of a family thing.

I don't know how long they will be staying here. It is a big adjustment for me, I am very much a loner bachelor and use to my privacy and routines and my little dog is use it being just the 2 of us as well. Angel and Carter and such little papa's buddies, they both gavitate toward me when they are awake, thus the reason I am typing this at 4:00am. Angel bless her little heart has been coming into my room early in the morning and climbing in bed with me, kind of messes up my sleep but hopefully she will not do it so often as time wears on. Like I said adjustments are having to be made, also boundaries are being set too.

Well I am physically and mentally fried but wanted share with you this bit of information.

Peace Love and Light
Scott

Can I make this short???

So Friday I get an email from a job I applied for for and had an interview for saying "sorry we have selected someone else". This email made me really sit down and look at my work situation and what I need to do.

Last week my shoulder muscles have really been killing me and by Thursday things were getting bad, I had set my hopes on a new job so I would'nt have to tell my supervisors about my physical difficulties. My pride was looking at taking the easier softer way out. Problem is my shoulder muscles burn really bad after lifting just a few parts, this is starting at the beginning of the shift now and not later in the night after we have done a few orders, also having elbow problems. So after I got the email I knew I had to look what things I could change in order to accept the situation. I talked to my leadman Friday night and told him I need to see the company Physical Therapist, told him the problem and how it was effecting my performance. I also told him I would be interested in transferring to being a forklift driver if I was put on light duty and because I am afraid I can't handle the physical nature of my job. I will meet with my supervisor tonight to discuss all of this.

My pride is somewhat of a bitch at times. I am the oldest operator on my shift and for the last 15 years have not held a jo which requires manual labor. I really don't what to look like a whimp with my peers, so I have been doing the old cowboy up with my pain, hoping things will change, either with my health or a new job. Reality set in Friday, I had to put the Serenity prayer into action. My supervisor is a different cat, kind of bi-polar, so I really never know when it is a good time to approach him and how he will feel about what I am going to tell or ask him. I know part of my own old fears play into not wanting to talk to him, I know he respects me as a operator because even though I am not fast, I am very consistant, my mind still goes back to the little skinny weak kid who always felt he was being judged for not being physically strong enough. I have to face the fact I need to look after my own heath and hope my supervisor and the company appreciate me enough to look after my health as well. I have to accept, 1) there is no day shift job in my near future, 2) my job requires more physically than I can give it. My trainer and I have talked about how we have the most physical job in the plant, so I know it isn't just me, he expressed concern about my shoulder and told me to be careful.

We are trainging 2 new guys on our machine, so if I can't do the job anymore then at least we are not short handed. We have been without a forklift driver since November, so each work center has to move it's own material which cuts down on production time. I will talk to my supervisor about being a full time forklift driver, saying I can still help out on running machines when there isn't any material to be moved. Maybe this is a solution and maybe not but I have to have the courage to try and change the things I can if possible.

Another thing the non-selection brought home was; I am over qualified and under qualified for a big majoity of the jobs out there which fit my back ground. I am over qualified for basic shipping/receiving/inventory control jobs because my resume has a lot of management on it. I think when I interview I stress to much about what I have done as a manager and not enough about what I have done as a laborer which may probably leads people to believe I am not interested in the job for the long haul and only want to get out of manufacturing and off second shift, partially true but I am also willing to be a basic labor to just have a job I am good at. I have applied for mechanic jobs as well and think what I wrote probably applies to why I haven't received interviews for them.

On the other hand when I look at job descriptions for management jobs, most of them want you to have at least an Associates degree. My years of work experience don't account much since people are looking for employees who have had certain courses in managment, courses which tell the employer you have had proper education on how to handle different situations which my arise. J and I took a road trip yesterday, he is just finishing up a degree so I talked to him about me going back to school full time. He told me of a place to start which can tell me about my grant and loan options. I will go see the agency this week and see what they have to say. It has taken a year but I am now fully aware that if I want to finish out my working years doing something managerial I need to get some higher education under my belt. With the right grants and loans plus part time work I can survive, plus budgetting. I know of a few people who have went back to school in their late 40's or early 50's, so I know it can be done. It will take some displine but like J and I talked about, now we are sober we understanding taking responsibility and holding ourselves to that responsibility. If I start the footwork now I can be ready for classes in the fall, plus work out my personal expenses so I know what I need to live on.

So I am at the point of taking action to change the things I can and accept the things I can't. I have had to swallow my pride, acknowledge the my good looks and job experiences will not gurantee a new job;) I an not miserable with my work situation but not comfortable with it either. I accept it on most days, yet understand I have to look at all my options to change what is causing some suffering in my life. I am not unhappy by a long shot but see there are things I need to do in life which will improve the situation I am in. By talking to my supervisors I might be able to improve my heath problems, cause I can't change my age and my physical limitations. By looking at going back to school I can open my horizons for a possible job which will see me through to retirement. Also going back to school will solve some of the problem with being on 2nd shift and not being able to be involve in AA the way I would like to be.

So the answer to the question is no, I couldn't make this short and K knew I couldn't:) I love you all and keep you in my thoughts and prayers as you face your own challenges in life. Thanks for reading about mine.

Peace Love Light
Scott

New toy, Fellowship & Solution

 This is the Wendy, so named after my friend who put her girliness aside and used the nasty outhouse at the Sober Float campground but expressed gratitude when someone allowed her to use the potty in his camper. Some of the places we camp are isolated with only outhouse's available, in searching for a camper one of the must was a working toilet, not just for Wendy but for everyone, yours truly included.

 If you look at the picture above and this one, you will notice a shower curtain. The bathroom has a hand held shower, so you can wrap the curtain around the bathroom and take shower to wash the dirty and grime off. I have never been in a small camper before and didn't know what the shower if any would be like. I can assure you this will come in hand.

 This is the couch and also Angle claimed it as her bed, it is wide enough for 1 person to sleep comfortabily enough on. The bit on the top folds down to make a bunk bed, if I still have the camper in years to come, Angel or Carter can sleep up there. Kitchen has a 3 burner stove/oven, double sink, there is a little fold up extension counter as well. I wasn't able to get the frig to work, I will have to check out circuit breakers and fuses. It may work off of propane but I need to replace the bottles first to check that out.

 Table folds down and cushions pull out to make a bed, big enough for 2 smaller people and just right for me. Table will come in handy for playing cards or just hanging out around/meetings, if the weather turns nasty, plus place to put food on for meals.

1980 camper, 19ft long, bought it for $1700.00. The AC works, I need to pull the awning out in the next few days to check it out, it has been too windy here to do it yet, the awning itself is worth $350.00. I bought this from a guy who was selling it for another guy as part of an estate settlement. The camper has been in a shed most of it's life, so the outside is in good condition for it's age. The propane tanks are old and need up dated, because of this I wasn't able to check out the furnace, hot water heater, stove or frig on gas. I am trusting they work because the camper was owned by an older couple and they took good care of it from what I can tell, plus I trust the farmer who sold it to me, yes blind trust. I was shocked to find an owners manual with it. I know enough about gas systems to clean and fix most problems I may have, thank you Dad. New tanks are only $20.00 and a connecting hose is $10.00. Tires will need replaced before we venue too far from home, remember I travel a lot in rural Nebraska where most of the towns are small and finding a place to fix a flat after 5:30pm is almost impossible, plus on some stretches it is 20 miles or more between towns, trailer tires are less expensive than car tires, so this isn't a big expense. I will also replace the curtains and rods, couple of the curtains were stained, tried to wash but that didn't work. Mich and J suggested new cushion covers since the current ones are a green pattern, older and less attractive pattern, not sure on this one, depends on cost, think the couch will just get a throw blanket on it. Used campers for less than $2000 are hard to come by, the ones I found on Craigslist were being snatched up within a couple of days of being posted. I wasn't able to find any close to home, I found this one in a town 125 miles away, closer to Lincoln, took off work Tuesday to check it out. Since I had the funds available I was rather obsessed with buying a camper now plus the closer to spring the hard to find and the more people would be wanting for them.

The 4 guys who traveled with me Saturday to pick it up are all part of our Happy Campers camping group. We had a good time visiting, talking recovery and thoughts on summer camping outings. J and I at least will start doing some scouting trips on Sundays to check out various camping areas, places that offer enough privacy for campfire meetings plus have things to do like swimming, hiking or canoe-ing, I found inflatable canoes on Amazon for a reasonable price so will get one about May. The nice thing about our group is not only do we enjoy fellowship we are also living in the solution via working the steps, regular meeting attendance and working with others. We have some new people who want to go camping with us this years which is great.

Awe yes living in the solution! I have been going over to my backup sponsors house on Tuesday afternoons. We are listening to the Joe and Charlie Big Book discussion, which basically is about taking the steps. I feel it is healthy for me to review steps and even take a new 4th and 5th steps. Working with C and listening to the tapes are giving me new perspectives on the Big Book, steps and recovery in general. My sponsor is a wonderful man and we went through the steps rather thoroughly, I have changed in recovery, the person I was when I was new is different than the one I am today. C and I have more in common in a lot of ways than my sponsor, so working the steps with her allows me to work through some of my challenges more closely with someone who has been there, my sponsor likes this idea, so I am not back dooring him. Yes C is a woman, mid 60's, she has gone through some of the same spiritual challenges I have, faced the same social challenges, a veteran, she has 35 years sobriety and experience to share with me and others.

One of the things we have been talking about is, fellowship verses solution. She feels sometimes there is too much emphasis placed on fellowship; dances, potluck speaker meetings, camp-outs and social events and not enough on working the steps. It is through working the steps that a spiritual awakening happens. I am a person who promotes social functions so I had to sit back and think about my prospectives on this. The group of people I hang out with attend social events but we also work the steps, use sponsors and are active in the groups we attend via helping the newcomer. I forget that others who promote social events don't always do this, so the newcomer gets the wrong message. What this brought home to me was, when I share about social events I also need to place equal emphasis on working the steps and the solution which is to find a God of ones own understanding via the steps which will remove the compulsion to drink on a daily bases.

Fellowship saved my ass the first time around, getting sober on a remote Air Force base in South Korea it was essential to be with others in recovery. The guys who helped me get sober showed me how to live without alcohol and how to basically work the steps. Later on I really didn't work the steps I just went to meetings, I went for more of a social club and not as a place for spiritual growth. In doing this I believe this created the breakdown which enable me to pick up the first drink. I have said it before I never really worked the 11th step and needed to do another 4th and 5th about my marriage. I never sat down and got totally honest with another or myself about what was going on in my marriage. I don't regret this, I am just acknowledging a flaw which lead up to picking up a drink. The desire for a drink came back, I was under pressure, I didn't have a strong enough relationship with my Higher Power, a relationship that would have stood between me and the first drink. My relapse experience has shown me how I need to continue spiritual growth.

I do a 10th step all day long and at night laying in my bed, I think about what I have done wrong and seek the awareness and strength of character not to repeat the same mistakes. I still make a load of mistakes but the awareness or God conscience grows stronger so I tend not to make them as bad, have mental reminders to keep my big mouth shut when I want to assinate someones character.

A few factors come into my wanting to rework the steps, go through the Big Book again with another person. One is the relationships I have had in recovery, mainly with T last summer and with my sister in recovery, C and I have talked a bit about both already. Another is because of the hours I work, I really don't have a good opportunity to work with others, working with others really keeps me out of my head, keeps me focused on the solution and in strong contact with people in recovery. The 1 or 2 meeting I attend each week are good but they are not enough. By seeing C each week I am getting a good dose of the medicine which helps keep me sober and sane. I need to hear what others have to say about my actions and thought, I need their input for personal reflection, reflection which allows change to happen.

So this is my current ramble. I need to take a shower, do a bit of things around the house prior to work. The new job opportunity which seem so promising fell through at the last moment, it hurt but I dusted my butt off, got back on the horse, started doing the footwork again to apply for a couple of job openings which I am qualified for. For now I am good with what I am doing, the money is good via the overtime. Nothing is permanent, some day I will have a different job, just not today.

Peace Love Light
Scott  

Love is the Opening Door

Love
"As time passes in AA, we hear or read much about love:
love is as simple as becoming always available.
Love is a sincere interest in others. Love is a desire to be of service.
Love is an ability to understand others and their problems.
Giving love is more important than being loved."
- The Best of the Grapevine [Vol. 3], pp. 296-97

An Open Heart
"I had not known that my heart was closed.
Now I knew -- because it was opened. I could now ask and receive help,
and I hoped that some day I would have something to give.
I felt free and light and good.
I would no longer block out love if I kept my heart open."
- Came To Believe . . ., p. 50

I only subscribe to a couple of FB groups and one is AA Thought for the Day, nice small group which doesn't bombard you with a bunch of post, the guy who runs the group comes up with some great quotes from a vast variety of AA literature. These 2 quotes were posted lately, they made me sit back and reflect a bit.

I have talked to my sponsor about love, a few others also but just for me, I am going to write out my thoughts and experience with love. BTW the title from the post comes from the Elton John song, Love Song which can be found on his brilliant and underrated Tumbleweed Connection album from the early 70's.

I have written before emotions were not really expressed in our family, I can count the times I heard my parents say I love you to each other on one hand. My mom and I have said it to each other on a few occasions but not regularly, the knowledge is there and is expressed more in actions than words. I never told my dad I loved him or he me. I have no regrets over this, I respected his old world view on men not saying such mushy things to one another and once again we expressed our love in actions, he took care of me even when I was bottoming out and been there my whole life to give his support in one form or another. I was there for him when his health was such he couldn't take care of himself and was unable to leave the house, I sat by his bed as he took his last breaths and with all the love in my heart sent positive energy his way so that maybe his transition into the great unknown was easier. I did these things because I loved him, I couldn't take away his pain but could just be around for the simple sake of being around.  

In writing about dad, one aspect of love for me is letting go. I have been sad many times in life but slowly am coming to understand true love means letting go of my selfish wants and allowing others to live their lives. Carter's premature birth was a lesson in love, knowing I had no control over whether he would live or die. When Carter was born I did what I could for Mich and Angel. Mich has always been a roller coaster of letting go with love. I love her dearly and don't always like what she is doing but I love her and allow her to make her own mistakes, mistakes I have made and cringe at seeing her make. Carter and Angel are my babies and gifts of sobriety, as long as I am sober we will be able to spend time together, time in which they are the center of my world for good or bad, bad meaning Papa allows them to get away with some things Mama won't and Papa is able to treat them to things Mama can't afford within reason. 

My siblings and I don't say we love each other either, well my youngest sister will usually put in an I love you on occasion but we have had a falling out so our contact with each other is limited. She is probably the hardest person in my life to let go of and love unselfishly, with my other sister and brother we have a very casual relationship not close but when we are together to talk there is a love present there born out of being family and acceptance.

My youngest sister was a drinking buddy, we would squabble but usually relied on each other, we confided in each other about what was going on and expressed our true feelings the best that we could to each other.  She was one of the few people who could get me to say I love you out loud. She got sober a few months after I did and one would think this would bring us closer together but it has had the opposite effect. I started using Buddhism as a spiritual path and basically I am vague about what God is or isn't, honestly don't know and don't try to hard to figure the concept out, I do openly admit I have a hard time accepting a puppet master type of God or that God is one sex or another. My sister on the other hand embraced and fell heavy into fundamental Christianity, she worries about the souls of those who don't believe in the new testament version of Jesus and God, believes pray is the great fixer. She was once very open minded about spirituality but has become more closed. She moved to Oregon a couple of years ago and the last few times when have been in room together she has given off a standoffish aura. I have tried the agree to disagree approach with her but it doesn't to work. It makes me sad that we don't have a friendship anymore, never talk, she sent me a text message on my birthday but didn't add I love you too it even after I replied with a thank you and I love you. O.k I dig that I am being selfish about this, that I want the relationship back. I pray nightly for her, my way of letting go of the situation and not allowing the hurt to fester into anything more serious. I will be writing a new 4th in a month or so and you guessed it, she will on it, hopefully I will get a bit of closure on this love gone astray.

Understanding intimate love is becoming easier for me. I've always wanted the romantic Bogart/Bacall, Tracy/Hepburn, John and Yoko type of magical love, the kind poets and bards write about. As of yet this hasn't happened and I am finally alright with it. The women I have been intimate with I have loved because of who they were and what we shared together. When the relationship ended I didn't love them less, just accepted the path had come to an end, understood we were both probably looking for the romantic magic and even though we cared deeply for each other in time found out the magic wasn't there.

My sponsor is the one person who has taught more about love than anyone else. My sponsor always tells me at the end of a conversation he loves me, if we are together physically, we hug each other and say I love you. He showed me his love in actions as well as words. Even in my 40's I didn't understand love or more to the point my heart wasn't open to love because I didn't feel I was worthy of love. I didn't understand love was actions by others, sometimes kind and sometimes tough. Again I was trapped in the romantic notion of love, I put way too much stock in the word, seeking something deeper than just people genuinely caring for me and me for them. I think back on my close friends from school, we had a love for each other born out of sticking up for each and companionship, we the lesser than's had a bond. We needed each other to survive, we didn't place any payback on our friendship, we cared for each other, we protected each, not so much physically but with support. I can now see how this type of love works. I see how those who have supported my recovery over the years did so out of love and I can care so much for recovering and sick alkies and addicts.

I have come to understand and still work on understanding love means just caring for another person, no fireworks, just unselfish caring. It hasn't been hard for me to doing things for others but having them do something for me has been another story or struggle. I have learned to love myself by accepting others love for me. With the practice of unconditional loving kindness and compassion I am learning to love myself unconditionally and with compassion, to accept me just as I accept you. The gradual awakening of self forgetting and self forgiving, makes me available to others and paradoxically to myself. I have to see the difference between people pleasing and honestly caring about others, to say no to people because I love myself enough to not allow me to be hurt by my actions.

Working on understanding how all beings are co-dependent on each other is a work in progress. To follow the Dharma and love those who make me angry or whose actions I disagree with is challenging. Sometimes I just have to break it down to we are all dependent on the same air, water and earth. There is no self, we are all connected my our basic needs. I may not like someone but I should love them because we are apart of each other in the most fundamental way. I can work on doing the smallest of things for those I don't like by simply being kind to them, give them a pleasant greeting and smile, they to need to feel loved and accepted. Those who are always bitching, cutting others down or just seem plain ass miserable are the ones who need a kind smile and greeting the most even if they don't return the jester in kind. The prayer of St. Francis is what this is all about, giving of myself unconditionally to those I care about the most and those who rub me the wrong way. I don't feel there is anything wrong with the old hippie dippy all you need is love philosophy, if we treat each other with kindness, especially those we dislike, then the world will be a better place. It takes practice, each day I am challenged, some days are good some days are bad but the good is become more common than the bad. I had to find the willingness in my heart to pursue this avenue. My sponsor and others have shown me through their actions how to love others and myself because I saw something I needed I became willing to work on change.

I put too much into the word love, just as I did God. Love is a roomy word, something which can't be really pigeon holed. Once I started throwing my preconceived notions of love out the proverbial window my heart and mind became open to love. Coming to turns with love is an opening door to inter peace and true happiness. It won't solve all my problems but the simple act of loving all which is around me, getting out of self, provides a perspective which makes other anxieties less. If I focus on the love and beauty in the world, it takes me out of what I am worrying about, just stop to breath and really focus on the beauty of now and the gifts of love. No matter what happens to me I can know I am loved, I can give love, in doing so all will be well.

Love you all!!
Scott

Just somethings

Hey all, just writing because I like to do so every week or so. Angel is asleep on the couch and Carter in the bedroom, I have the t.v. on Nick Jr. which is showing a Franklin the turtle movie, this way when Angel wakes up there is something on she will watch without having to channel surf or her getting upset because Scooby Doo or Bugs Bunny isn't on, she is still to young to understand different shows come on at different times. I am not a big pro football fan so could care less about the super bowl.

The colonoscopy went well, the prep wasn't that bad for me, a lot of people I know complained about drinking the cleansing stuff, I just mixed in some Crystal Lite and drank it as fast as I could, first 2 glasses really fast the other 2 took about an hour, the results didn't bother me either. It was kind of funny because the kids were here and they are my little shadows, so at times I had both kids and even the dog in the bathroom with me, every time I went Carter followed, he would stand by the tub pulling on his shirt thinking Papa was going to give him a bath, he loves taking a bath. My biggest concern was being anesthetized, I have never been put under before, never had surgery. Now grant it I have passed out but never been put to sleep with anesthetics I didn't take myself. My ex and Mich both have a hard coming back around and get a bit sick. It was a rather cool experience, one minute I was talking and the next I was waking up in the recovery room talking to the nurse, I felt really good, think it might have been the drugs they gave me for the procedure, anyway she gave me a cup of coffee and I was good to rock and roll. I didn't over do it after the scope, didn't eat much just some chicken and a bit of candy, rested and watched movies. I am glad I had the colonoscopy done, it really gave me a good piece of mind because I am only 1 year away from 50 and they say colon cancer is a silent killer and I have had stomach troubles off and on for years.

The temperatures have been in the 50's and low 60's up until Friday. Friday started out with rain and by evening it was snowing, by midnight there was probably 6 inches of snow on the ground. One of the young guys at work is from El Salvador, he drives a Civic and lives in a hilly area. I told him when we left work at midnight, they let us go early due to the road conditions, if he had any problems to call me, sure enough he couldn't make it down his road, got stuck but was able to get out and head back to town. I met him at a gas station and took him home, even with the Suburban the road was treacherous. It is nice having the Suburban, knowing I can get around in the snow plus know it will come in handy this summer. We ended up with 10-12 inches of really wet snow, I stayed home all day and vegged out, made chili and brownies to eat on, the plant was closed due to the weather. It may not seem like much to others but spending a day in my house alone and being perfectly happy is a wonderful thing for me. Not that many years ago I would have started drinking early, probably run out, driven icy roads to get more, would have been pouring beer down the pity pot of loneliness and nobody loves me, boo hoo hoo. Somedays it still amazes me the cravings and compulsion to drink are gone, I give thanks every night when I lay my head on my pillow.

This morning at my home group meeting, a portion of We Agnostics was read, I love this chapter in the Big Book. For one it takes me back to how angry I was toward religion when I was drinking, how a major of the people I was associating with in recovery my first time around were very 1 sided on spiritual matters and how I suppressed my thoughts just to feel a part of the groups. I remember reading We Agnostics in treatment and the freedom I felt, the comfort of Bill's words retelling me it was alright to have my own understanding of a God, the realm of the spirit being broad enough for all conceptions of a power greater than ourselves. It also brought me back to a night early in this recovery. I was in a meeting, people were sharing about their God which seemed the same for everyone and I felt really disconnected, just about walked out in frustration. After the meeting I stood outside smoking and thinking about what I had heard, also talked to my sponsor. It was at this meeting I truly understood believing in my own concept of a God, not comparing my feelings about a God concept with what others were sharing, not comparing my insides with their outsides. I believe that night was a make or break point for me in my recovery, I stopped think so hard about what God was or wasn't and stopped comparing myself to others so much, I didn't stop the comparisons just started being more mindful of my comparing and how it make me feel. I still catch myself comparing on occasion but usually now when I do it I am looking closer at where I am falling short in working the steps daily or living a spiritual life. I need the reminders of where I have come from, I also need to share this with others because this morning there were people in the room who were feeling the same way I did 5 years ago.

Life is good in my tiny little speck of the universe. I do have some anxiety going on concerning the job prospect. I have been told I am the top candidate for the position and there are just some things the guy who would be hiring me needs to find out. The guy is the regional sales manager, so he has a lot on his plate which I understand so things will happen in his time not mine. I doubt I am much different than others when I foresee a new avenue possibly happening in my life, I think about the changes to come, ability to hit more meetings and put more time into DCM work, the freedom of weekends off, I am also more aware of muscle and body pains at work focusing my my mind on how I need to get a less physical job. I do my best to focus back in on the moment, to be grateful I have a job which pays my bills. Standing in the hallway waiting to see if a new door is going to come open sucks but it is what it is and I will be alright no matter the outcome. This is just a bit of honest reflection on what is going on within me, I know way too many others who are experiencing far worse challenges in life, these people are in my thoughts and prayers.

Writing this the morning after I started. The kids woke up about 1/2 way through, let them play in the tub together, then just play in the living room. End up with Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire being put in, Angel loves most of the Harry Potter movies, Carter played with his ball and didn't get into too much stuff but still kept Papa on his toes. Mich showed up at midnight to get them, Carter was asleep by then and Angel was ready to go home to her bed. She has got to the point where she still loves spending time with Papa but also wants to be home with mommy, Mich was working a lot of late evenings for awhile so both the kids missed being with her.

I am grateful for the life I have, for not have an obsession to drink, for my job, for my daughter and grand babies, for my health, for being able to shovel snow, for my sponsors and friends in recovery and for my friends not in recovery, for the awareness of the beauty of nature, seeing how beautiful the heavy snow is on the trees, for the sweet little dog who lays on my lap or whats to play ball when I get home from work, grateful I can afford a 4 wheel drive to get myself and others around in bad weather, grateful for the acceptance that nothing is permanent, grateful for another day to try my best to live a life based on recovery and Dharma principles, for a hot cup of coffee and a warm shower.

Peace Love Light
Scott