Rope in a Deep Well

I am just going to start typing and let a title materialize out of what I type. I have done some footwork to lessen the financial burden, my time to myself has been shortened and I have had a bloody head cold for a week, not to mention a brewing resentment I need to get rid of.

I did some talking to my banker and was able to rework a loan I have, I had to extend the length which in the long run isn't good but in the right now it cuts my monthly payments down by 1/3, maybe in a couple of years I can increase the payments so I am not paying back so much in interest; this loan was taken out when I was making quite a bit more money. I bought a small car, so my fuel expense has dropped a lot, little Chevy Cavalier with a 5 speed manual transmission, God I love shifting gears again, the car isn't brilliant looking but runs well. I talked to my boss at the hotel and he was able to give me six extra hours a week of work, plus I work every other Sunday. Lastly I bought a trailer, my mom loaned me the money, this will save me $80.00 a month plus I can pay my mom back a couple of times a month instead of having everything come out of one paycheck.

The trailer belongs to I guy I use to work with; it is older but well insulated and has good windows, fenced in yard for the kids, 2 nice size shed for storage, 3 bedrooms and 1-1/2 baths. The kitchen is bigger with more cupboards, my trailer really lacks cupboards in the kitchen, they built on to the dining and living rooms, so they are bigger. Mich and Angel will take the bedroom with the 1/2 bath which is in the front off the living room, Carter will have the little bedroom and mine will be in the back. I need to paint the living room, it is lime green not my color, going to paint it a burgundy for warmth, plus the cupboard doors in the kitchen and bath need painted and a bit of wood putty. 

The main reason for buying the trailer is Mich and the kids moved back in with me and will probably be living with me for quite a while. When the landlord said she wasn't approved to live with me, she moved in with a guy who turned out to be a control freak with a violent background, recently he has been stalking her via FB and driving by the house or finding out from mutual friends what she is up to. It is better for her to live with me, I feel more secure with her and the kids here, instead of her hooking up with some guy just so she has a place to stay, she has been good about not going out at night since she quit dating, she is partying less and is home every night of the week. I have been nervous about the landlady finding out Mich and the kids were here, afraid of being evicted for breaking the lease agreement.

The new trailer is just down the street from the one I currently rent. When I told the landlord I was buying it, she told me Mich was still not allowed to live with me. I contacted a lawyer and he said she cannot tell me who can and cannot live with me, unless the person has a serious criminal record, prejudice doesn't count. Mich copped an attitude when she did the interview with the landlady to get approval to live in this trailer, landlady was talking down to her and Mich being a proud 21 year old who doesn't know anything about having a poker face and keeping her mouth shut, rubbed the landlady the wrong way. Mich can be an arrogant, know it all snot, who doesn't own her mistakes as much as she needs to, she is immature for sure, especially when it comes to putting her wants above the needs of the kids, she sees nothing wrong with going out drinking a couple of nights a week and leaving the kids with someone. Mich hasn't been charged with child neglect from the incident with Carter climbing out the window in July, in fact Child Protective Services were never called. She has a court date later this month and has a Public Defender, so hopefully the charges will be dropped. She has been put on suspense from her job working with the mentally handicap because she can't have anything dealing with neglect or abuse on her record, if the charges are dropped she gets her job back. So Mich isn't a perfect kid, but she isn't a really bad kid either, she does better living under my roof with boundaries than on her own.

My conversation with the landlady has been eating my lunch, she was rude towards me and made accusations about Mich I didn't like. She doesn't know anything about Mich, where she has come from; mother committing suicide when she was 8 years old, dad climbing inside a bottle for 10 years, going into foster care and group homes, completing high school as a teen mother and trying her best to be a mom at a young age. We live a quiet life, the house is alcohol and drug free, since it was reported the girl watching the kids wasn't keeping a close eye on them, she hasn't watched them and will not watch them, when the kids are outside they are closely supervised. Another thing is; I live in the biggest mobile home park in town, I know of a lot of kids who run around unsupervised and you have to drive slow and watch out for them, also I know of homes where people live without approval from the manager. The landlady is one of those know-it-all people who will not listen to what you have to say, she is very prejudice; this was brought to my attention when I talked to her about buying the trailer because the guy I am buying it from is Hispanic and she didn't have anything nice to say about Hispanics even though 50% of the residents here are Hispanic. If I didn't pay my rent, if I had the cops coming around every so often, if my lot was a junk pit, if the kids where running wild in the streets I could understand her being concerned about renting me a lot. I can't explain to her that Mich and the kids are better off and safer living with me, that Mich is at a crossroads and needs to be able to save up to move out. I want to say "listen bitch, I am doing what is best for my daughter and grand kids so butt the fuck out and mind your own business and until we do something illegal leave us alone."

I own and understand her not allowing Mich to live in a home I rent from her, it is her choice on who lives in her property, and I signed a lease saying I would get approval for anyone, be it my kid or girlfriend or roommate, if they moved in with me. Looking at this from a 4th step point of view, the landlady has hurt my pride and since of security. Oh yeah, rental property here blows if you have a pet, only a few mobile home owners allow pets, none of the apartments or houses do, so I am stuck, I looked around and couldn't find a trailer to buy in another park in my price range. Yesterday I realized I had a dozy of a resentment building towards the landlady, I was driving around town with a conversation with her going through my head, wanting to set the record straight with her and tell her I talked to a lawyer and was calling her bluff. Last night when I went to bed I did the only thing I know how to do, I prayer for her and for acceptance.

I don't dig having my lifeboat rocked, I want everything in life to go along smooth. Things have smoothed out again for the most part, money, Mich and kids. The landlady bit will smooth out too once we move, we will live our quiet life, just be another tenant among and few hundred others. I am going to visit my sponsor this afternoon after work, puke on her table for a bit and I will continue to pray for the landlady, it always seems to help accepting someone I dislike, know we will never see eye to eye and move on, might not happen soon but with practice and time it will.

On the lighter side, Angel is really excited for Halloween, she wants to be a tiger princess, not sure where she got this idea but she is adamant this is what she is going to be. I found an orange tutu, plus orange tights, will buy an orange t-shirt, use electrical tape for strips, get her some cat ears and tail, paint her face orange with stripes. I found Carter the cutest gnome costume, little white beard, pointed hat, shirt/shorts with suspenders. I will take pictures and post them. I bought Angel some plastic fangs and she has been in hog heaven wearing them around the house.

Life is still good, even with battling challenges, classes are going well, I will start writing my next two papers for psyche next week. If I wasn't sober I wouldn't have these wonderful challenges. If I didn't go to meetings, talk to my sponsor and others in recovery, work the steps daily the best I can, I would be sitting in a deep well of shit with no direction out.

Peace Love Light

Can I make this short???

So Friday I get an email from a job I applied for for and had an interview for saying "sorry we have selected someone else". This email made me really sit down and look at my work situation and what I need to do.

Last week my shoulder muscles have really been killing me and by Thursday things were getting bad, I had set my hopes on a new job so I would'nt have to tell my supervisors about my physical difficulties. My pride was looking at taking the easier softer way out. Problem is my shoulder muscles burn really bad after lifting just a few parts, this is starting at the beginning of the shift now and not later in the night after we have done a few orders, also having elbow problems. So after I got the email I knew I had to look what things I could change in order to accept the situation. I talked to my leadman Friday night and told him I need to see the company Physical Therapist, told him the problem and how it was effecting my performance. I also told him I would be interested in transferring to being a forklift driver if I was put on light duty and because I am afraid I can't handle the physical nature of my job. I will meet with my supervisor tonight to discuss all of this.

My pride is somewhat of a bitch at times. I am the oldest operator on my shift and for the last 15 years have not held a jo which requires manual labor. I really don't what to look like a whimp with my peers, so I have been doing the old cowboy up with my pain, hoping things will change, either with my health or a new job. Reality set in Friday, I had to put the Serenity prayer into action. My supervisor is a different cat, kind of bi-polar, so I really never know when it is a good time to approach him and how he will feel about what I am going to tell or ask him. I know part of my own old fears play into not wanting to talk to him, I know he respects me as a operator because even though I am not fast, I am very consistant, my mind still goes back to the little skinny weak kid who always felt he was being judged for not being physically strong enough. I have to face the fact I need to look after my own heath and hope my supervisor and the company appreciate me enough to look after my health as well. I have to accept, 1) there is no day shift job in my near future, 2) my job requires more physically than I can give it. My trainer and I have talked about how we have the most physical job in the plant, so I know it isn't just me, he expressed concern about my shoulder and told me to be careful.

We are trainging 2 new guys on our machine, so if I can't do the job anymore then at least we are not short handed. We have been without a forklift driver since November, so each work center has to move it's own material which cuts down on production time. I will talk to my supervisor about being a full time forklift driver, saying I can still help out on running machines when there isn't any material to be moved. Maybe this is a solution and maybe not but I have to have the courage to try and change the things I can if possible.

Another thing the non-selection brought home was; I am over qualified and under qualified for a big majoity of the jobs out there which fit my back ground. I am over qualified for basic shipping/receiving/inventory control jobs because my resume has a lot of management on it. I think when I interview I stress to much about what I have done as a manager and not enough about what I have done as a laborer which may probably leads people to believe I am not interested in the job for the long haul and only want to get out of manufacturing and off second shift, partially true but I am also willing to be a basic labor to just have a job I am good at. I have applied for mechanic jobs as well and think what I wrote probably applies to why I haven't received interviews for them.

On the other hand when I look at job descriptions for management jobs, most of them want you to have at least an Associates degree. My years of work experience don't account much since people are looking for employees who have had certain courses in managment, courses which tell the employer you have had proper education on how to handle different situations which my arise. J and I took a road trip yesterday, he is just finishing up a degree so I talked to him about me going back to school full time. He told me of a place to start which can tell me about my grant and loan options. I will go see the agency this week and see what they have to say. It has taken a year but I am now fully aware that if I want to finish out my working years doing something managerial I need to get some higher education under my belt. With the right grants and loans plus part time work I can survive, plus budgetting. I know of a few people who have went back to school in their late 40's or early 50's, so I know it can be done. It will take some displine but like J and I talked about, now we are sober we understanding taking responsibility and holding ourselves to that responsibility. If I start the footwork now I can be ready for classes in the fall, plus work out my personal expenses so I know what I need to live on.

So I am at the point of taking action to change the things I can and accept the things I can't. I have had to swallow my pride, acknowledge the my good looks and job experiences will not gurantee a new job;) I an not miserable with my work situation but not comfortable with it either. I accept it on most days, yet understand I have to look at all my options to change what is causing some suffering in my life. I am not unhappy by a long shot but see there are things I need to do in life which will improve the situation I am in. By talking to my supervisors I might be able to improve my heath problems, cause I can't change my age and my physical limitations. By looking at going back to school I can open my horizons for a possible job which will see me through to retirement. Also going back to school will solve some of the problem with being on 2nd shift and not being able to be involve in AA the way I would like to be.

So the answer to the question is no, I couldn't make this short and K knew I couldn't:) I love you all and keep you in my thoughts and prayers as you face your own challenges in life. Thanks for reading about mine.

Peace Love Light
Scott

Just somethings

Hey all, just writing because I like to do so every week or so. Angel is asleep on the couch and Carter in the bedroom, I have the t.v. on Nick Jr. which is showing a Franklin the turtle movie, this way when Angel wakes up there is something on she will watch without having to channel surf or her getting upset because Scooby Doo or Bugs Bunny isn't on, she is still to young to understand different shows come on at different times. I am not a big pro football fan so could care less about the super bowl.

The colonoscopy went well, the prep wasn't that bad for me, a lot of people I know complained about drinking the cleansing stuff, I just mixed in some Crystal Lite and drank it as fast as I could, first 2 glasses really fast the other 2 took about an hour, the results didn't bother me either. It was kind of funny because the kids were here and they are my little shadows, so at times I had both kids and even the dog in the bathroom with me, every time I went Carter followed, he would stand by the tub pulling on his shirt thinking Papa was going to give him a bath, he loves taking a bath. My biggest concern was being anesthetized, I have never been put under before, never had surgery. Now grant it I have passed out but never been put to sleep with anesthetics I didn't take myself. My ex and Mich both have a hard coming back around and get a bit sick. It was a rather cool experience, one minute I was talking and the next I was waking up in the recovery room talking to the nurse, I felt really good, think it might have been the drugs they gave me for the procedure, anyway she gave me a cup of coffee and I was good to rock and roll. I didn't over do it after the scope, didn't eat much just some chicken and a bit of candy, rested and watched movies. I am glad I had the colonoscopy done, it really gave me a good piece of mind because I am only 1 year away from 50 and they say colon cancer is a silent killer and I have had stomach troubles off and on for years.

The temperatures have been in the 50's and low 60's up until Friday. Friday started out with rain and by evening it was snowing, by midnight there was probably 6 inches of snow on the ground. One of the young guys at work is from El Salvador, he drives a Civic and lives in a hilly area. I told him when we left work at midnight, they let us go early due to the road conditions, if he had any problems to call me, sure enough he couldn't make it down his road, got stuck but was able to get out and head back to town. I met him at a gas station and took him home, even with the Suburban the road was treacherous. It is nice having the Suburban, knowing I can get around in the snow plus know it will come in handy this summer. We ended up with 10-12 inches of really wet snow, I stayed home all day and vegged out, made chili and brownies to eat on, the plant was closed due to the weather. It may not seem like much to others but spending a day in my house alone and being perfectly happy is a wonderful thing for me. Not that many years ago I would have started drinking early, probably run out, driven icy roads to get more, would have been pouring beer down the pity pot of loneliness and nobody loves me, boo hoo hoo. Somedays it still amazes me the cravings and compulsion to drink are gone, I give thanks every night when I lay my head on my pillow.

This morning at my home group meeting, a portion of We Agnostics was read, I love this chapter in the Big Book. For one it takes me back to how angry I was toward religion when I was drinking, how a major of the people I was associating with in recovery my first time around were very 1 sided on spiritual matters and how I suppressed my thoughts just to feel a part of the groups. I remember reading We Agnostics in treatment and the freedom I felt, the comfort of Bill's words retelling me it was alright to have my own understanding of a God, the realm of the spirit being broad enough for all conceptions of a power greater than ourselves. It also brought me back to a night early in this recovery. I was in a meeting, people were sharing about their God which seemed the same for everyone and I felt really disconnected, just about walked out in frustration. After the meeting I stood outside smoking and thinking about what I had heard, also talked to my sponsor. It was at this meeting I truly understood believing in my own concept of a God, not comparing my feelings about a God concept with what others were sharing, not comparing my insides with their outsides. I believe that night was a make or break point for me in my recovery, I stopped think so hard about what God was or wasn't and stopped comparing myself to others so much, I didn't stop the comparisons just started being more mindful of my comparing and how it make me feel. I still catch myself comparing on occasion but usually now when I do it I am looking closer at where I am falling short in working the steps daily or living a spiritual life. I need the reminders of where I have come from, I also need to share this with others because this morning there were people in the room who were feeling the same way I did 5 years ago.

Life is good in my tiny little speck of the universe. I do have some anxiety going on concerning the job prospect. I have been told I am the top candidate for the position and there are just some things the guy who would be hiring me needs to find out. The guy is the regional sales manager, so he has a lot on his plate which I understand so things will happen in his time not mine. I doubt I am much different than others when I foresee a new avenue possibly happening in my life, I think about the changes to come, ability to hit more meetings and put more time into DCM work, the freedom of weekends off, I am also more aware of muscle and body pains at work focusing my my mind on how I need to get a less physical job. I do my best to focus back in on the moment, to be grateful I have a job which pays my bills. Standing in the hallway waiting to see if a new door is going to come open sucks but it is what it is and I will be alright no matter the outcome. This is just a bit of honest reflection on what is going on within me, I know way too many others who are experiencing far worse challenges in life, these people are in my thoughts and prayers.

Writing this the morning after I started. The kids woke up about 1/2 way through, let them play in the tub together, then just play in the living room. End up with Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire being put in, Angel loves most of the Harry Potter movies, Carter played with his ball and didn't get into too much stuff but still kept Papa on his toes. Mich showed up at midnight to get them, Carter was asleep by then and Angel was ready to go home to her bed. She has got to the point where she still loves spending time with Papa but also wants to be home with mommy, Mich was working a lot of late evenings for awhile so both the kids missed being with her.

I am grateful for the life I have, for not have an obsession to drink, for my job, for my daughter and grand babies, for my health, for being able to shovel snow, for my sponsors and friends in recovery and for my friends not in recovery, for the awareness of the beauty of nature, seeing how beautiful the heavy snow is on the trees, for the sweet little dog who lays on my lap or whats to play ball when I get home from work, grateful I can afford a 4 wheel drive to get myself and others around in bad weather, grateful for the acceptance that nothing is permanent, grateful for another day to try my best to live a life based on recovery and Dharma principles, for a hot cup of coffee and a warm shower.

Peace Love Light
Scott

Mouse traps and other things

Hi all and hope you are doing well with the Christmas season.

First off I bought some live mouse traps. Living in a mobile home I live the typical mouse problem, little buggers find it much easier to get into a mobile home than a regular house. I really don't like killing things anymore, part of it is Buddhism, part of it is respect for all living things and how they have a right to live just as much as I do or my dog. Now I don't mind killing for food if ned be and can do it in case of emergency, say the world as we know it comes to an end, I haven't hunted or fished in years. Now my furry little friends haven't started gnawing on food as far as I can tell, haven't got to the bread or dried goods but they leave their droppings everywhere, kitchen counter, in cupboards, on floor etc. I really didn't want to kill them with snap or glue traps, so I went to a farm supply store to see if there was such a thing as a live mouse trap and yup there is. The trap is a metal box with 2 one way doors on it, you put peanut butter, best mouse bait, in the box, they go for the bait and can't get back out. They are working really well, I catch and then take them to work with me, the plant I work in is on the edge of town with fields on both sides, I release the mice there. They can either find there way into the plant, which doesn't put out poison, hopeless cause in a big plant or they can take their chances with the hawks and owls, hey the hawks and owls need food too. The first couple I caught drove the dog nuts, she kept waiting for them to get out, not sure if she wanted to kill them or just mess with them. It feels good to find a peaceful solution to this problem.

Paula posted a poem about hearing a bird sing in winter. Another change which has happened to me via spirituality is my tending of the birds. When my dad retired he started keeping bird feeders around and watching birds, I never saw what the big deal was all about. I couple of years ago I bought my first feeder and now I make sure it stays full. During the summer I was visited by starlings, doves, black birds and the odd blue jay. Now all that are left are the starlings, I suppose there are at least 20 of them hanging around my house. It may seem weird but I can sense their joy in having food to eat, beside the seed I also crumble up bread for them when it starts to get too dry for my taste, which is usually about 4 slices out of a loaf and the heels. I now understand my dad's simple pleasure in seeing them every day, I call them my little friends. Another interesting thing is the starlings don't eat the sunflower seeds or cracked corn, they scratch it out on to the ground, the squirrels come and eat the corn and sunflower seeds, plus the squirrels found a way to get into the food tote, well they did until I secured the lid.

I told someone my getting sober and changing my way of living was an accident, it was and it wasn't. I didn't want to get sober and live a life alcohol free when I went to treatment. I was in heavy denial about alcohol and my selfish nature being the root cause of all my problems. I was so sick I couldn't fathom a life with out my daily consumption of beer even though I had lived a life alcohol free for 9 years. On the other hand I was whipped, I was tired of being afraid all the time, I was tired of the disappointment and heartache I was causing those closest to me. When I entered treatment I was beat down enough to accept surrender and willing to change my life. It was this willingness which brought about the psychic change. I didn't accidental admit myself into the treatment center, I did it out of sheer emotional pain. I don't know if some form of God played a role in this, if it did it was the God of internal conscience telling me I couldn't go on living the way I was or if I did I was destine for worse things to happen. I do believe the force of love, kindness and hope found in the rooms of AA and NA kept me moving forward. I do believe that when people who share a common problem get together to find a common solution based on loving kindness and compassion there is a divine presence which helps all who are willing to do the foot work, reach out to others and share in the name of loving kindness and compassion. I have seen these types of groups work in the lives of others not just alcoholics and addicts. So I guess there are no real accidents, there are situations in life which happen which either cause us to look for solutions or to keep on living in sickness and self destruction.

Anyway those are just a couple of things which I have been on my mind. It is 12:30am and I need to get to bed, I wasn't tired when I started typing but now I am, guess I need to get this out to quiet a bit of the old brain.

Peace Love Light

Scott

Thoughts on Inner Child

Hey all, seems like time is really flying along, one day it was sandals and t-shirts the next it is boots and jacket, plus holidays fast approaching.

A couple of you have been blogging about the "inner child" which is an odd coincidence because this summer I bought a book by Thich Nhat Hanh called "Reconciliation, healing the inner child". Even though I feel comfortable and forgiving about the circumstances in which I was raised; lack of emotional stimulation and affection, mental and physical abuse, I thought there maybe more I needed to look at, plus Thich always has some great nuggets for better awareness practice. Here is a passage from the book I really like,

"I wouldn't want to send my friends and children to a place where there's no suffering, because in such a place they'd have no opportunity to learn to cultivate understanding and compassion. The Buddha said if we haven't suffered, there's no way we can learn. If the Buddha arrived at full enlightenment, it's because he suffered a lot. We have to come to the Buddha with all our suffering. Suffering is the path. It's through our suffering that we can see the path of enlightenment, compassion and love. It's by looking deeply into the nature of sorrow, our pain, our suffering, that we can discover the way out. If we don't know what suffering is, there's no way we can go to the Buddha, and we'll have no chance to touch peace, to touch love. It is exactly because we have suffered that now we have an opportunity to recognize the path leading to liberation, love and understanding."

Please translate the part about going to the Buddha into what ever makes sense to you. I feel this passage really puts suffering into perspective. Whether I am suffering from the effects of my youth, my alcoholism/addiction, relationship problems, character defects or life on life's term's . It is through suffering I have the opportunity to grow, to learn to better love, show better compassion and understanding.

I have accepted my parents as being the way there were because they were effected by there parents and ancestors, I have to learn to recognize that how I treat my daughter and my grand kids is a reflection of my ancestors as well but in recognizing this I can break the chain of wrongful parenting and suffering.

The kicker is the emotional wounds from others who abused me growing up haven't healed. It is seeing others who remind me of the abuses of my youth which cause my inner child to resurface.

As a kid I was bullied a lot, some by jocks and some by older kids who in hindsight were probably dealing with their own insecurities so they picked on scrawny younger kids. The jocks were the verbal bullies, always saying how big of wuss you were, laughing at your awkwardness and lack of coordination, intimidating you during the ugly and mandatory P.E classes. Side note; I went to a school were the whole population of 7th thru 12th grade was under 150 students, the few kids who were not socially accepted were shunned and picked on, it was worse for boys than girls because boys were expected to play sports all 6 years whether you were good or not. I didn't play sports, I don't have an athletic bone in my body, nor was I ever big enough physically. I could read and comprehend what I read, find insight in literature and the arts, understood and had compassion for social and environment injustices but that didn't count for anything as far as how you were treated by your peers. Most of my friends turned to alcohol and drugs as a means to be a somebody, to feel comfortable in our own skin, some out grew this others like me are alcoholic/addicts.

At work the welders are like the bullies of the plant, they are led by a guy I suspect was an ex-jock. They pick on the non-Caucasians and anyone who doesn't fit into their neat little box of what a man working in a manufacturing plant should be like. Most of this talk is behind backs but of course but it isn't hard to figure out these guys have contempt for people who aren't like them, it is in their attitudes and how they interact with others. They sit in the break room and are loud and obnoxious, make derogatory/vulgar remarks about different races, religions, homosexuals, Democrats and anyone else they dislike.

I have had a few run ins with the welders this week, mainly the leader of the clique. I really dislike these guys and have a lot of contempt for them. The run ins have made me reflect on why have such contempt and dislike. Enter the inner child. The inner child is comparing these grown men to the guys who use to mess with me as a kid, he doesn't fear any physical violence but fears not being able to counter their smart ass remarks with strong enough words to shut them up, remember I suck at quick and witty responses and dislike overly aggressive people. So how does the inner child deal with these people? He displays a sense of arrogance, he displays aloofness and he keeps his contact with them as limited as possible. Now maybe to some people this isn't a bad thing but for someone trying to live a principled life it is.

I need to acknowledge how my sick actions effect my ability to show love, kindness and compassion to all people. The Dalai Lama says the hardest people to show loving kindness and compassion to are our enemies, oh how true this is. I am no better that the bullies when I use intellect as a weapon of superiority. My talents are more cranial than physical but this doesn't make me better than them, yet in my arrogance I think it does and I put off an air to let them know so.

Thich's words are helping me understand how the inner child surfaces in different areas of my life, how the hurt little boy still wants protection. He is also teaching me how to heal the wounds and comfort the little boy, to speak to him and tell him the wrongs of the past can't hurt him now. Thich also keeps reiterating the linage of wrongs we all carry, that sickness is pasted on generation to generation and how we need to end the suffering by showing others loving kindness and compassion whether they return it or not. He talks about how to deal with being hurt by someone close to us and how to get rid of the resentments. I know this sounds a lot like the passage on acceptance from the Big Book, but Thich is going a bit deeper. What I need to do is try my best on a daily bases to work on loving kindness and compassion, especially towards those who remind me of the people who hurt the inner child. I have to be aware of how my inner child will react with bitter cruelty to any who see it sees as a threat. If people dislike me it is probably because my actions effect the inner child in them, maybe they were jealous of the kids who were smarter than them, who think outside the box, who experience life more fully because they are not afraid of people who are different than them, or things which are foreign and new. We may not wish to be like each other but maybe the fears which cause our actions come from the same place? I read this book during my lunch break, so some of the words smack me right between the eyes, which is sometimes the best way for me to take an honest look at my thoughts and actions, plus keeps everything in perspective when my mind starts going places it shouldn't since running the machine can get very boring, just focus on breathing, moment at hand, use breathing exercise based on loving kindness, compassion, getting rid of self.

Anyway those are me thoughts. I hope all are doing well. I am happy to read how some of my friends are accepting life on life's terms, your words help keep me grounded and also make me smile. Love you all!

Peace Love Light and a special Namaste

Scott

48 Years

Hey all, 48 years ago today I entered this world, "what a long strange trip it's been"!! I won't recount the journey, most of you know bits and pieces of it. Needless to say I am grateful to still be alive and also not locked up somewhere.

I am going to do something different here, I am going to Vent!. My morning started out with a text from my younger sister, wishing me happy birthday. I told her I hoped I would hear something on a job interview today, she replied "did you ask God for intervention". I replied, "faith without works is dead" and I have been doing the footwork and the rest was up to the Law of Karma. This has lead to a whole back and forth text conversation about basically her God versus my understanding of God.

My sister is one of those who went from drunken agnostic to sober born again Christian. Honestly folks I have nothing against Christianity, Jesus was an awesome teacher and if following his path and the path laid out in the Bible makes a persons life better, more peaceful by all means follow the path. I have seen many a sick person follow this path and become well. I know many who follow the path and are truly beautiful humans and dear friends of mine. What I don't like is when someone pushes their beliefs on me because they disagree with my beliefs. When it comes to being a Buddhist, most people to this out of total ignorance of Buddhism. All they know is the pop culture "fat smiling guy" who isn't the image of the real Buddha but was a Chinese monk. If you see an image of a skinny guy sitting in the lotus meditative position with his hair done in a funky do, it is probably closer to what the Buddha looked like but since photography was still 2500 years away no one living person really knows, same goes with what Jesus really looked like. I do find it amusing, Jesus is portrayed more like a European than a Middle Eastern Jew.

Anyhow my younger sister has always been one of those who thinks she is right. She is really like my dad, in that she won't give in to compromise, very opinionated. When she became a born again Christian, she imposed her views on everyone, in other words she got Preachy. She preached to her kids, her husband, co-workers and my family. When it became evident my dad wasn't going to live much longer, she became worried about him going to heaven, she gave him a book about heaven much to my amusement because dad had dementia and had stopped reading, plus dad didn't care about religion in the greater sense, he believed in his own way in a God force but I doubt he gave much thought the logistics of the God, wasn't intellectually inclined either, he lived a simple life without caring about philosophical things. She still preaches to my mom though. Now my mom is a good Christian, she goes to church every Sunday because as she says "it makes her feel better", she treats others with kindness, she admits her faults, she prays because she believes in the power of prayer and prayer aids those she cares about. She doesn't impose her views on others because she believes it isn't any of her business.

One of the things I like about Buddhism is, you are free to follow the path as you see fit. Like 12 step programs, the path is suggested. The choice is yours whether you are willing to go to any lengths to get what is offered by following the path, you can suffer as much or as little as you like. It is also about attraction not promotion. The few Buddhist teachers in the media spot light don't preach/witness. His Holiness the Dalai Lama is beautiful in this respect, a large majority of the time he is all smiles and compassion. If he is on the stage with other religious leaders, they tend to be all stern and somber, while he is smiling, laughing and making jokes. He understands rule 62 "don't take yourself to damn serious". I fall short on some of this; I still smoke, drink too much caffeine, don't do sitting mediation daily, don't have a formal teacher and still have some strong attachments I am working on.

Back to the text conversation. She didn't like my use of Law of Karma, she said it was God not Karma. I debated on responding but thought she needs hear where I am coming from, basically I wasn't going to allow her views to bully me. Like others I have allowed certain people to bully me and she one of those, so I decide I would stick up for my views. I replied back that I don't believe in God the way she does, I follow the Four Noble Truths, Eight Fold Path and believe in the Law of Karma. I told her this was my Higher Power/God of my understanding and the way I applied Spirituality to the practice of the 12 steps in my life, so I was better able to serve others and keep inter peace and serenity. She replied back with a Bible verse. I replied back, I fully comprehend Christianity but don't believe in it as a spiritual path for me, it is great it works for others but it isn't for me, I also said Jesus was a beautiful teacher but I don't agree with the Bible on a lot of things. I suggested she read "Living Buddha, Living Christ" by Thich Hnat Hanh to better understand where I am coming from, I also said "end of conversation. Agree to Disagree." She ended by saying this conversation wasn't Karma, it was ordained and orchestrated by Him, as a gift to me. She also said she loved me. My only reply back was I loved her too. She had the last word but I was know the texting was going nowhere, plus it was mentally exhausting, for one I am not the worlds best texter.

This conversation hasn't disrupted my day. It did temporarily make me angry. My selfish nature thought "how dare you on my birthday make it about you and your beliefs, couldn't you at least have consideration for my path on this one day!" What my heart told me was, I have to accept her for who she is, she hasn't grasped letting go of selfishness. She keeps herself in turmoil because she tends to worry too much about others beliefs and perceptions, how others are living their lives, this is her lot and I honestly feel sorry for her. My ego bit is to say, maybe she needs to sit in a few more meetings, listen to how it is about changing ourselves and not others, about accepting we can't change others, each person is the way they are out of some Divine providence which we as simple mortals have no control over.

I am not an angel when it comes to being non-selfish. I still get a bit angry when people don't act or react the way I feel they should, the reason I shy away from too much politics or the media attention on religion and world affairs. I get pissed when people can't grasp recovery principles, especially when they have been clean and sober for a number of years, when they only read the parts of the Big Book they like and skip over the rest. Yes I am just as guilty of playing God, wanting to change the will of the God concept to fit my needs instead of allowing the concept to takes it's natural course. I want people to read my resume and think "WOW what a great candidate for this position, better get him in here for an interview." Karma hasn't helped my resume, 2 jobs in 18 months, termination and I have a feeling my last employer isn't giving me a good reference because I really hurt her feelings and she is holding a recent towards me, just a guess, could be wrong. I did more footwork on Friday, so now I will just have to be still and see what happens.

I kept Angel again this weekend, we had a great time, mainly because grandpa lets her play with what every she wants as long as it isn't dangerous or breakable. She made a big mess and today I have to vacuum plus clean up a small mess I was too tired to fool with last night.

Gratitude:
I am sober at 48, years of drunk driving didn't kill me or anyone else.
I have a family, sister above included, who love me and even if we disagree still want to talk to me.
I have wonderful daughter and 2 beautiful grand babies I am honor to watch all of them grow and be a part of their lives.
I have wonderful friends who give me love, encouragement and tough love when needed.
I have roof over my head, food in the frig, gas in the car and the main bills are paid up.
I can read and write, I can hear music, the voices of nature and other sounds.
I have a little dog who needs and loves me.
I have spiritual path I not only am comfortable with but enjoy walking, a connection to a God of my understand which is special and personal.
I am grateful for AA and the path it has given me.
I have inter peace and acceptance more times than not, I am no longer the confused and angry person I once was.
I love me today, I humbly say this is a biggie, once upon a time I didn't.

Love and Peace to all my blogger friends, you make me smile in more ways than you know, I am grateful for everyone of you. This day is about all who have touched my life!

Nameste

Madman Acoss the Water

Couldn't think of a clever title for this post, so am using the title to the album I am listening while I write, now thats clever ;-D

It’s hot here today, not Sarah in her bikini hawt or Texas hot just straight up hot, temps in the high 80’s to low 90’s, so the whining has begun. We have gone from rainy, stormy, muggy and a bit cool to fairly hot overnight, MySpace, facebook and general conversations are alive with comments about the heat, last week it was the rain and storms. I guess people are never satisfied are they; we want things our way damnit and if we can’t have it that way we complain. I don’t complain about the heat, I dislike the opposite, the cold north wind cuts right through me and my old hippie ass hates wearing shoes and too many articles of clothing, so I accept the heat and always comment back, “well it beats 10 degrees and a 30mph north wind” but that just me. I try not to bitch at all, there is always a positive in every situation if I look for it, although there are things that take some serious thought to find a glimmer of good in what is going down, if nothing else there is always a lesson to be learned and building a strong connection to one’s own God.
I had a good weekend!! I didn’t do much of anything Saturday, wrote the long post for the blog, which I enjoyed doing and it was therapeutic, writing about my past helps the healing process. I watched a couple of movies, spent time at home with Mich and Angel, and just chilled with no schedule. Father’s Day was good also, spent the first bit of the morning with Angel we had breakfast together, then went to my Sunday AM meeting from there to a friend’s house for the afternoon. My yard isn’t a good place to air out the tent in, so I took it to her house, she has a big fenced in back yard. I helped her mow and do some other yard work, plus a couple of odds and ends. Yes I was doing something for someone else but it was work I thoroughly enjoy doing, so it wasn’t work at all, plus I enjoy her company. Today has been spent in anticipation of finding out if my friend is going to buy my house, never got the call so evidently she didn’t find out either, there is a middle man involve in all this so we have to wait for him. I didn’t let it bother me much; I will know when I know. When she talked to me Friday she said it was 99% guaranteed the deal would go through, just waiting for the final green light from the middle man. The limbo of moving to Lincoln should be ending soon. If she can’t get the money then I will just have put the house on the market and see what happens. If we go get the green light then I can inform my boss I am leaving, start sending out resumes and looking for a place to live. Mich was looking at apartments today.
It is all about living in the moment and acceptance. The Serenity prayer in action. Accept the things I cannot change, the weather. Do the foot work to change the things I can, get some down time and me time, do what I can and can about moving to Lincoln. And the wisdom to know the difference, mindfulness in practice.
Until next time. Peace Love and Light
Scott

Burrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Wow the first bitter cold day of winter has hit 12 degrees and add the wind chill and we are well below zero. I had to pry open my car door this morning since the rain from last night froze it shut. Time to change my attire, time for the knit hat and heavy gloves. I live in the Platte River valley, which doesn’t have a lot of trees so the north wind comes sweeping over prairie hills just to the north bringing with it a full mouth bite. The cold north wind is a fact of life for winter life in Nebraska. There are a couple of other places I have thought about living, northern California and central Colorado come to mind but Nebraska is my home and the home of my family and closest friends. We have 4 complete seasons here, nothing half ass, bitter winters, scorching summers, amazing springs and falls. I love the quiet back roads, you don’t have to drive too far even in the cities like Lincoln and Omaha to find a gravel road where you can drive along at a comfortable pace and take in the farm lands pastures with cattle and horses, groves of trees, the peaceful track of a shallow river. Hopefully I will be moving from central Nebraska this summer to the more populated city of Lincoln, the main reason is to be in a community that has a larger population of fringe dwellers, alternatives, bohemians, and people like me. I have close friends in recovery there so the transition will be easy. The time has come once my daughter graduates from high school to move to a place where being a liberal isn’t quite so much associated with being a Satanist. Plus there is a larger spiritual community there and in Omaha. This is just a goal, nothing is written in stone so I don’t have any huge expectations on the line that can cause me to get my Y fronts in a serious twist if the plans fall through. So much about the future, today it is cold but that is alright, I live here and accept that.