Love is the Opening Door

Love
"As time passes in AA, we hear or read much about love:
love is as simple as becoming always available.
Love is a sincere interest in others. Love is a desire to be of service.
Love is an ability to understand others and their problems.
Giving love is more important than being loved."
- The Best of the Grapevine [Vol. 3], pp. 296-97

An Open Heart
"I had not known that my heart was closed.
Now I knew -- because it was opened. I could now ask and receive help,
and I hoped that some day I would have something to give.
I felt free and light and good.
I would no longer block out love if I kept my heart open."
- Came To Believe . . ., p. 50

I only subscribe to a couple of FB groups and one is AA Thought for the Day, nice small group which doesn't bombard you with a bunch of post, the guy who runs the group comes up with some great quotes from a vast variety of AA literature. These 2 quotes were posted lately, they made me sit back and reflect a bit.

I have talked to my sponsor about love, a few others also but just for me, I am going to write out my thoughts and experience with love. BTW the title from the post comes from the Elton John song, Love Song which can be found on his brilliant and underrated Tumbleweed Connection album from the early 70's.

I have written before emotions were not really expressed in our family, I can count the times I heard my parents say I love you to each other on one hand. My mom and I have said it to each other on a few occasions but not regularly, the knowledge is there and is expressed more in actions than words. I never told my dad I loved him or he me. I have no regrets over this, I respected his old world view on men not saying such mushy things to one another and once again we expressed our love in actions, he took care of me even when I was bottoming out and been there my whole life to give his support in one form or another. I was there for him when his health was such he couldn't take care of himself and was unable to leave the house, I sat by his bed as he took his last breaths and with all the love in my heart sent positive energy his way so that maybe his transition into the great unknown was easier. I did these things because I loved him, I couldn't take away his pain but could just be around for the simple sake of being around.  

In writing about dad, one aspect of love for me is letting go. I have been sad many times in life but slowly am coming to understand true love means letting go of my selfish wants and allowing others to live their lives. Carter's premature birth was a lesson in love, knowing I had no control over whether he would live or die. When Carter was born I did what I could for Mich and Angel. Mich has always been a roller coaster of letting go with love. I love her dearly and don't always like what she is doing but I love her and allow her to make her own mistakes, mistakes I have made and cringe at seeing her make. Carter and Angel are my babies and gifts of sobriety, as long as I am sober we will be able to spend time together, time in which they are the center of my world for good or bad, bad meaning Papa allows them to get away with some things Mama won't and Papa is able to treat them to things Mama can't afford within reason. 

My siblings and I don't say we love each other either, well my youngest sister will usually put in an I love you on occasion but we have had a falling out so our contact with each other is limited. She is probably the hardest person in my life to let go of and love unselfishly, with my other sister and brother we have a very casual relationship not close but when we are together to talk there is a love present there born out of being family and acceptance.

My youngest sister was a drinking buddy, we would squabble but usually relied on each other, we confided in each other about what was going on and expressed our true feelings the best that we could to each other.  She was one of the few people who could get me to say I love you out loud. She got sober a few months after I did and one would think this would bring us closer together but it has had the opposite effect. I started using Buddhism as a spiritual path and basically I am vague about what God is or isn't, honestly don't know and don't try to hard to figure the concept out, I do openly admit I have a hard time accepting a puppet master type of God or that God is one sex or another. My sister on the other hand embraced and fell heavy into fundamental Christianity, she worries about the souls of those who don't believe in the new testament version of Jesus and God, believes pray is the great fixer. She was once very open minded about spirituality but has become more closed. She moved to Oregon a couple of years ago and the last few times when have been in room together she has given off a standoffish aura. I have tried the agree to disagree approach with her but it doesn't to work. It makes me sad that we don't have a friendship anymore, never talk, she sent me a text message on my birthday but didn't add I love you too it even after I replied with a thank you and I love you. O.k I dig that I am being selfish about this, that I want the relationship back. I pray nightly for her, my way of letting go of the situation and not allowing the hurt to fester into anything more serious. I will be writing a new 4th in a month or so and you guessed it, she will on it, hopefully I will get a bit of closure on this love gone astray.

Understanding intimate love is becoming easier for me. I've always wanted the romantic Bogart/Bacall, Tracy/Hepburn, John and Yoko type of magical love, the kind poets and bards write about. As of yet this hasn't happened and I am finally alright with it. The women I have been intimate with I have loved because of who they were and what we shared together. When the relationship ended I didn't love them less, just accepted the path had come to an end, understood we were both probably looking for the romantic magic and even though we cared deeply for each other in time found out the magic wasn't there.

My sponsor is the one person who has taught more about love than anyone else. My sponsor always tells me at the end of a conversation he loves me, if we are together physically, we hug each other and say I love you. He showed me his love in actions as well as words. Even in my 40's I didn't understand love or more to the point my heart wasn't open to love because I didn't feel I was worthy of love. I didn't understand love was actions by others, sometimes kind and sometimes tough. Again I was trapped in the romantic notion of love, I put way too much stock in the word, seeking something deeper than just people genuinely caring for me and me for them. I think back on my close friends from school, we had a love for each other born out of sticking up for each and companionship, we the lesser than's had a bond. We needed each other to survive, we didn't place any payback on our friendship, we cared for each other, we protected each, not so much physically but with support. I can now see how this type of love works. I see how those who have supported my recovery over the years did so out of love and I can care so much for recovering and sick alkies and addicts.

I have come to understand and still work on understanding love means just caring for another person, no fireworks, just unselfish caring. It hasn't been hard for me to doing things for others but having them do something for me has been another story or struggle. I have learned to love myself by accepting others love for me. With the practice of unconditional loving kindness and compassion I am learning to love myself unconditionally and with compassion, to accept me just as I accept you. The gradual awakening of self forgetting and self forgiving, makes me available to others and paradoxically to myself. I have to see the difference between people pleasing and honestly caring about others, to say no to people because I love myself enough to not allow me to be hurt by my actions.

Working on understanding how all beings are co-dependent on each other is a work in progress. To follow the Dharma and love those who make me angry or whose actions I disagree with is challenging. Sometimes I just have to break it down to we are all dependent on the same air, water and earth. There is no self, we are all connected my our basic needs. I may not like someone but I should love them because we are apart of each other in the most fundamental way. I can work on doing the smallest of things for those I don't like by simply being kind to them, give them a pleasant greeting and smile, they to need to feel loved and accepted. Those who are always bitching, cutting others down or just seem plain ass miserable are the ones who need a kind smile and greeting the most even if they don't return the jester in kind. The prayer of St. Francis is what this is all about, giving of myself unconditionally to those I care about the most and those who rub me the wrong way. I don't feel there is anything wrong with the old hippie dippy all you need is love philosophy, if we treat each other with kindness, especially those we dislike, then the world will be a better place. It takes practice, each day I am challenged, some days are good some days are bad but the good is become more common than the bad. I had to find the willingness in my heart to pursue this avenue. My sponsor and others have shown me through their actions how to love others and myself because I saw something I needed I became willing to work on change.

I put too much into the word love, just as I did God. Love is a roomy word, something which can't be really pigeon holed. Once I started throwing my preconceived notions of love out the proverbial window my heart and mind became open to love. Coming to turns with love is an opening door to inter peace and true happiness. It won't solve all my problems but the simple act of loving all which is around me, getting out of self, provides a perspective which makes other anxieties less. If I focus on the love and beauty in the world, it takes me out of what I am worrying about, just stop to breath and really focus on the beauty of now and the gifts of love. No matter what happens to me I can know I am loved, I can give love, in doing so all will be well.

Love you all!!
Scott

Love Beats Hate-Learning to Love

My friend Lori at http://mylifeinterupted.blogspot.com/ wrote a wonderful post on Love Beats Hate, complete with her little's holding up poster boards, please check it out. This is an FB cause/challenge I won't take part in for personal reasons but I will honor Lori's request to write a piece on it out of friendship and it is something I have compassion about and like reflecting on.

"In the practice of tolerance, one's enemy is the best teacher" His Holiness the Dalai Lama

I don't know who first told me "you shouldn't use the word hate, it is powerful and ugly". I doubt is was my parents, even though they didn't use the word hate much, they were just not strong teachers of intolerance, although they did teach us to treat others as we would like to be treated, kudos to them. Who ever it was, the phrase has stuck with me, my whole life.

Removing and correcting the word "hate" from my thoughts and words has been a life long challenge. To this very day when I catch myself thinking "I hate" this person or thing, I have to change my thinking to "I dislike". For me to hate is associated with wishing destruction upon someone. Either the physical, emotional or social destruction of that which goes against my beliefs, likes or thing which is treating to me. My biggest challenge in this arena is media figures who I believe to be dangerous to the world, America or even my small part of the world. It is really easy to say "I hate Fred Phelps and all he stands for" but to wish harm on him is wrong. If I believe in the force of the Universe, spiritual principles, then I must believe some how, some way, these dangerous people will pass on and have hope we as humans learn something from their ugliness which we can use for good. The evil of Hitler and the Third Reich has been a great teacher for intolerance in places where intolerance has had a strong hold, it has been used in intercity schools to counteract gang violence and association, it has been used in racist parts of the US to show kids where racism leads. It is sad 11 million people lost their lives to such evil but the loss has not been in vain and will continue not to be in vain as long as there are people willing to teach and live by principle of intolerance and assist others in understanding where it can ultimately lead.

For me a lot of changing my thought process has come from teachers who have been persecuted for their beliefs yet have been able to show compassion to the persecutors. How dare I in my grandiose way hold a resentment/hatred towards someone who has bruised my ego, challenged my philosophy or simply stepped on my toes. Holocaust survivors talk about having forgiveness for the atrocities against them, they may dislike but are not hateful and bitter, they understand how harboring hatred would ruin the rest of their lives. The Dalai Lama and Thich Nhat Hanh are both teachers of how I should show compassion to all, even towards those who have hurt me. These two men witnessed unspeakable crimes against their people yet have found it in their hearts to show compassion and love. I do my best to do as the Dalai Lama says and use those who transgress against me as teachers. I have never had any major acts of violence committed against me or my family, how ugly is it of me to wish ill will towards those who so superficially hurt me when people who have had great acts of violence committed against them, their families, their loved one, their race and nationality can show love and forgiveness. Others who fit this category are, Gandhi, Mandela, Dr. King, people who were on death row for crimes they didn't commit and finally released, civil rights activist, Native Americans, you can add your own to the list, which could get very long.

The other side to this for me is the recovery from a disease of selfishness and ego inflation gone wild. The Big Book says, "But with the alcoholic, whose hope is the maintenance and growth of a spiritual experience, this business of resentment is infinitely grave. We found it fatal." Just down from this Bill writes " If we were to live, we had to be free of anger. The grouch and the brainstorm were not for us. They may be the dubious luxury of normal men, but for the alcoholic these things are poison."

When I relapsed, the fuel which kept me drinking in part was anger and resentment; I was resentful towards my ex for making me a single parent, towards her for killing herself and leaving my daughter motherless in her formative years, I was resentful against the war and those who took us to war, against religion, against a society who mocked and belittle anyone who didn't follow the status quo or refused to pledge blind allegiance, just to name few.Untreated, (one doesn't have to be active to be sick), alcoholism/addiction gives us thousand of reasons to blame other people, places or things for our misery.

The main person I was resentful towards was me. I hated me, what my life had become, what my daughters life had become, the hurt I cause to my parents, I wanted to die. I did not want to commit suicide in the conventional way, no this would have been too much for my daughter to have 2 parents commit suicide, I just kept hoping I would not wake up or have an alcohol induced heart attack or death. Yet I refused to quit drinking, the disease would tell me I wasn't that bad, or if I felt bad the desire would kick in, I would pick up, temporarily blotting out the pain only to have the depressing return, such is the vicious cycle of alcoholism/addiction.

The process of learning to love myself was a bit slow once I got sober. Through the aid of a great sponsor, one who always ended a conversation by saying "I love you", I started forgiving myself, this was also the result of working the steps with him. I learned to accept the mistakes made in the past and take the actions needed to correct the damage done. The actions were showing love, being responsible, not drinking or drugging and practicing spiritual principles to the best of my ability on a daily bases. He told me to pray for my ex wife and in time I forgave her, accepted the disease she suffered from. I stopped reading blogs which fueled my anti-government/society anger, this was part of practicing Right View, I distanced myself from the news even NPR. I came to accept what Bill said about anger and resentment, I take it to heart and know it can be fatal for me. Alcoholics and addicts have two great masters, one is our Higher Power which keeps us staying clean and sober, the other is the Disease. The disease lets us know if we don't take constructive action it will kill us. I don't want to die today.

Love has shown me how to live a peaceful life. Love has shown me how to find balance. This is not to say I still don't dislike things, I just no longer hate things enough to wish destruction. If this type of anger crops up, I reflect on it and see how the wrong view is damaging to my spiritual being. Love is the easier softer road, for me it seems it takes a lot less energy to love than to hate. The energy of love can be transmitted to others. My parents teaching of, treat others as you would have them treat you, is a gift, yah I know this is the Golden Rule found in all religions or spiritual practices. Some people never received this gift or ignored it, they live their lives in angry hatred which is sad. Somewhere in the Bible it says, "love the sinner, hate the sin", I replace the word "hate" with "dislike" for spiritual reasons.

The events of the last month have created a small resentment in my heart. I see this resentment and the damage it can cause. When the resentment rears its ugly head, I counteract it with thoughts of love and compassion. What happened, happened, I played my part in it. I do my best to apply acceptance to the situation at hand. I also know if I don't take action against the resentment it could in time lead to my death, maybe not physical but for sure spiritual. There is a catchphrase which goes "my disease is in the parking lot, doing push ups just waiting for me", harboring a resentment is a sure way for me to walk out into the parking lot and have the disease say "hey buddy, I am here for you, lets you and I work out this resentment thing, you don't need no Higher Power, you don't need those people, you don't need those steps. I will make you forget everything, I will blackout your mind for the time being, reality is over rated anyway." For an ex-drunk and lover of downers like me, it could happen this easily if I am not vigilant. The beauty is, it isn't hard work saying vigilant if I practice love and compassion on a daily bases, spirituality and living sober become a way of life, as long as I do the footwork.

Lastly, I have no direct power to change others views or actions on hatred, violence or intolerance. If I preach against violence, tried this with kids and their video games, or hateful words said, my preaching falls on deaf ears, no one likes to really be told, their ways are corrupt. I can only be a vehicle for love, tolerance and compassion in the way I live my life. If my life is attractive to someone and they wish to make the change then it is their choice, they are the ones how must seek a Higher Power to aid them, a personal means to find inter peace, to end suffering.

Well campers, that is my 2 cents worth. It is going to be a warm day here in Nebraska, highs in the mid 50's. Time to take down mom's Christmas lights, do a bit of work on the Explorer.

Peace Love and Light to all!