Rope in a Deep Well

I am just going to start typing and let a title materialize out of what I type. I have done some footwork to lessen the financial burden, my time to myself has been shortened and I have had a bloody head cold for a week, not to mention a brewing resentment I need to get rid of.

I did some talking to my banker and was able to rework a loan I have, I had to extend the length which in the long run isn't good but in the right now it cuts my monthly payments down by 1/3, maybe in a couple of years I can increase the payments so I am not paying back so much in interest; this loan was taken out when I was making quite a bit more money. I bought a small car, so my fuel expense has dropped a lot, little Chevy Cavalier with a 5 speed manual transmission, God I love shifting gears again, the car isn't brilliant looking but runs well. I talked to my boss at the hotel and he was able to give me six extra hours a week of work, plus I work every other Sunday. Lastly I bought a trailer, my mom loaned me the money, this will save me $80.00 a month plus I can pay my mom back a couple of times a month instead of having everything come out of one paycheck.

The trailer belongs to I guy I use to work with; it is older but well insulated and has good windows, fenced in yard for the kids, 2 nice size shed for storage, 3 bedrooms and 1-1/2 baths. The kitchen is bigger with more cupboards, my trailer really lacks cupboards in the kitchen, they built on to the dining and living rooms, so they are bigger. Mich and Angel will take the bedroom with the 1/2 bath which is in the front off the living room, Carter will have the little bedroom and mine will be in the back. I need to paint the living room, it is lime green not my color, going to paint it a burgundy for warmth, plus the cupboard doors in the kitchen and bath need painted and a bit of wood putty. 

The main reason for buying the trailer is Mich and the kids moved back in with me and will probably be living with me for quite a while. When the landlord said she wasn't approved to live with me, she moved in with a guy who turned out to be a control freak with a violent background, recently he has been stalking her via FB and driving by the house or finding out from mutual friends what she is up to. It is better for her to live with me, I feel more secure with her and the kids here, instead of her hooking up with some guy just so she has a place to stay, she has been good about not going out at night since she quit dating, she is partying less and is home every night of the week. I have been nervous about the landlady finding out Mich and the kids were here, afraid of being evicted for breaking the lease agreement.

The new trailer is just down the street from the one I currently rent. When I told the landlord I was buying it, she told me Mich was still not allowed to live with me. I contacted a lawyer and he said she cannot tell me who can and cannot live with me, unless the person has a serious criminal record, prejudice doesn't count. Mich copped an attitude when she did the interview with the landlady to get approval to live in this trailer, landlady was talking down to her and Mich being a proud 21 year old who doesn't know anything about having a poker face and keeping her mouth shut, rubbed the landlady the wrong way. Mich can be an arrogant, know it all snot, who doesn't own her mistakes as much as she needs to, she is immature for sure, especially when it comes to putting her wants above the needs of the kids, she sees nothing wrong with going out drinking a couple of nights a week and leaving the kids with someone. Mich hasn't been charged with child neglect from the incident with Carter climbing out the window in July, in fact Child Protective Services were never called. She has a court date later this month and has a Public Defender, so hopefully the charges will be dropped. She has been put on suspense from her job working with the mentally handicap because she can't have anything dealing with neglect or abuse on her record, if the charges are dropped she gets her job back. So Mich isn't a perfect kid, but she isn't a really bad kid either, she does better living under my roof with boundaries than on her own.

My conversation with the landlady has been eating my lunch, she was rude towards me and made accusations about Mich I didn't like. She doesn't know anything about Mich, where she has come from; mother committing suicide when she was 8 years old, dad climbing inside a bottle for 10 years, going into foster care and group homes, completing high school as a teen mother and trying her best to be a mom at a young age. We live a quiet life, the house is alcohol and drug free, since it was reported the girl watching the kids wasn't keeping a close eye on them, she hasn't watched them and will not watch them, when the kids are outside they are closely supervised. Another thing is; I live in the biggest mobile home park in town, I know of a lot of kids who run around unsupervised and you have to drive slow and watch out for them, also I know of homes where people live without approval from the manager. The landlady is one of those know-it-all people who will not listen to what you have to say, she is very prejudice; this was brought to my attention when I talked to her about buying the trailer because the guy I am buying it from is Hispanic and she didn't have anything nice to say about Hispanics even though 50% of the residents here are Hispanic. If I didn't pay my rent, if I had the cops coming around every so often, if my lot was a junk pit, if the kids where running wild in the streets I could understand her being concerned about renting me a lot. I can't explain to her that Mich and the kids are better off and safer living with me, that Mich is at a crossroads and needs to be able to save up to move out. I want to say "listen bitch, I am doing what is best for my daughter and grand kids so butt the fuck out and mind your own business and until we do something illegal leave us alone."

I own and understand her not allowing Mich to live in a home I rent from her, it is her choice on who lives in her property, and I signed a lease saying I would get approval for anyone, be it my kid or girlfriend or roommate, if they moved in with me. Looking at this from a 4th step point of view, the landlady has hurt my pride and since of security. Oh yeah, rental property here blows if you have a pet, only a few mobile home owners allow pets, none of the apartments or houses do, so I am stuck, I looked around and couldn't find a trailer to buy in another park in my price range. Yesterday I realized I had a dozy of a resentment building towards the landlady, I was driving around town with a conversation with her going through my head, wanting to set the record straight with her and tell her I talked to a lawyer and was calling her bluff. Last night when I went to bed I did the only thing I know how to do, I prayer for her and for acceptance.

I don't dig having my lifeboat rocked, I want everything in life to go along smooth. Things have smoothed out again for the most part, money, Mich and kids. The landlady bit will smooth out too once we move, we will live our quiet life, just be another tenant among and few hundred others. I am going to visit my sponsor this afternoon after work, puke on her table for a bit and I will continue to pray for the landlady, it always seems to help accepting someone I dislike, know we will never see eye to eye and move on, might not happen soon but with practice and time it will.

On the lighter side, Angel is really excited for Halloween, she wants to be a tiger princess, not sure where she got this idea but she is adamant this is what she is going to be. I found an orange tutu, plus orange tights, will buy an orange t-shirt, use electrical tape for strips, get her some cat ears and tail, paint her face orange with stripes. I found Carter the cutest gnome costume, little white beard, pointed hat, shirt/shorts with suspenders. I will take pictures and post them. I bought Angel some plastic fangs and she has been in hog heaven wearing them around the house.

Life is still good, even with battling challenges, classes are going well, I will start writing my next two papers for psyche next week. If I wasn't sober I wouldn't have these wonderful challenges. If I didn't go to meetings, talk to my sponsor and others in recovery, work the steps daily the best I can, I would be sitting in a deep well of shit with no direction out.

Peace Love Light

Not Celebrating

‎"I will mourn the loss of thousands of precious lives, but I will not rejoice in the death of one, not even an enemy. Returning hate for hate multiplies hate, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate, only love can do that." ~ Martin Luther King Jr

I for one am not celebrating in the death of Bin Laden. I am not really sure I am glad he is dead, not glad about the way he died. Yes he was a murderous evil man and caused the deaths of thousand, non-Muslims and Muslims, he was the one who is responsible for the horror of 9/11, a tragic day burned into my memory. I have a spiritual belief which deep down inside says killing is wrong even the killing of ones enemies.

Are we justified in our blood lust dance? Does our blood lust differ from his and his followers? Do we have the right to think we are superior or our cause is superior? I personally don't think so. For one thing all living organisms are intertwined, we all require the same air, water and earth for survival. I am the same as you, as the flower, the fish, the bird etc. For another, who I am I to play God or Divine what ever? Do I have the right to say and know who has the right to live and the right to die. There are people in the world who would say I should die or be imprisoned for my beliefs, hell there are people in this country who would imprison or censor me for my beliefs. I can't justify the being happy about the killing of another just because I perceive them to be spiritually or socially inferior to myself or my country.

Bin Laden's death will not stop the killings, it will not end the war on terrorist. No many more innocent people will die. Many more American service men and women will die. As a veteran, who served 20 years, my heart goes out to my brothers and sisters in arms. I never wanted to see them experience the horrors of war to begin with and still want them safe at home ASAP. Some how some way, the world needs to address the underlying cause for all the hatred, hatred which has lead to the senseless killings. The world has been at war since the dawn of time, war is the one thing our heightened intelligence has failed to eradicate.

As I have grown in my spiritual practices, I am more aware of how my own ignorance and prejudices shaped the big ME of self. Bit by bit I chisel away at the views which keep me from showing true compassion and loving kindness. I do my best not to sit in judgement of others, I am not God. I am a simple being among other beings, other living organisms. People laugh at me because I don't kill insects for no reason, granted the mosquito sucking my blood is a goner and an over abundance of flies in the house fall to a swatter but I do my best to leave them alone, we have repellents for such pest. I have a fondness for spiders because they are natures own controllers of obnoxious pest. When I look deeply at the interdependence of all living things, I try and see how we can coexist with each other. When I pull a weed from my garden, the weed decomposes and returns as food for the grass where I throw it. What I am fumbling to say is; I am learning to cherish all life. Yes I still eat meat so I have not given up my selfishness on this, nor have I stopped smoking another act of selfishness.

From the recovery side of justifying the celebration of the death of an enemy I reflect on what the Big Book says about resentments. " It is plain that a life which includes deep resentment leads only to futility and unhappiness. To the precise extent that we permit these, do we squander the hours that might have been worth while. But with the alcoholic, whose hope is the maintenance and growth of a spiritual experience, this business of resentment is infinitely grave. We found that it is fatal. For when harboring such feelings we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the Spirit. The insanity of alcohol returns and we drink again. And with us, to drink is to die.

If we were to live, we had to be free of anger. The grouch and the brainstorm were not for us. They may be the dubious luxury of normal men, but for alcoholics these things are poison."

I can't pick and choose who deserves my anger and who doesn't. A resentment is a resentment, whether it is against a murder, my sister or my neighbor. If my spirit is darkened by resentments then I am blocking out the sunlight of the spirit, sunlight which can be used to benefit others. Could my anger at a world figure cause me not to smile at the sad cashier or the person I encounter who is having a rough day and really could use a friend smile and greeting from a stranger? I believe it can. If my eyes are the window to my soul, shouldn't I do my best to make my soul shine from them, to use spiritual tools to wipe away the grime and smugs of anger and resentment.

I am saddened by all the hoopla and celebration of Bin Laden's death. I read post on Facebook by friends in recovery and people who regularly post pro-religious messages and wonder what part of the message of spiritual living are they missing. I know this is judgmental of me. I am saddened by most of the news articles also. A few of the 9/11 families have written post saying they are not happy about the hoopla either, that an eye for an eye will not bring back their loved ones and are sadden the death of their loved ones has brought only more death and destruction. I am saddened by the message we are sending out to our youth. How can we create a future of peace with more violence? We can't teach love and hatred at the same time, it has to be one or the other. What would Jesus, Buddha, Saint Francis think about all of this? I think I know what Gandhi and John Lennon would be saying, Dr. King is quoted above so there is no speculation about him.

I wish I had some answers for the troubles of the world but I don't. I am not perfect either. I do what I can to humbly voice my simple opinion on issues which trouble my heart and I don't expect agreement. This celebration will pass, like everything else it is impermanent. We will all find another issue to obsess about soon, maybe Lindsey Lohan, Donald Trump or Charlie Sheen will do some more stupid shit to divert our attention away from the reality of world suffering.

Thanks for allowing me to express myself. I wrote this because writing this stuff out brings me a bit more peace.

My prayers to out to all who are suffering tonight. To a special blogger friend who has found it necessary to end her blog, she will be missed but knows she is loved my many.

Namaste

Scott

Love Beats Hate-Learning to Love

My friend Lori at http://mylifeinterupted.blogspot.com/ wrote a wonderful post on Love Beats Hate, complete with her little's holding up poster boards, please check it out. This is an FB cause/challenge I won't take part in for personal reasons but I will honor Lori's request to write a piece on it out of friendship and it is something I have compassion about and like reflecting on.

"In the practice of tolerance, one's enemy is the best teacher" His Holiness the Dalai Lama

I don't know who first told me "you shouldn't use the word hate, it is powerful and ugly". I doubt is was my parents, even though they didn't use the word hate much, they were just not strong teachers of intolerance, although they did teach us to treat others as we would like to be treated, kudos to them. Who ever it was, the phrase has stuck with me, my whole life.

Removing and correcting the word "hate" from my thoughts and words has been a life long challenge. To this very day when I catch myself thinking "I hate" this person or thing, I have to change my thinking to "I dislike". For me to hate is associated with wishing destruction upon someone. Either the physical, emotional or social destruction of that which goes against my beliefs, likes or thing which is treating to me. My biggest challenge in this arena is media figures who I believe to be dangerous to the world, America or even my small part of the world. It is really easy to say "I hate Fred Phelps and all he stands for" but to wish harm on him is wrong. If I believe in the force of the Universe, spiritual principles, then I must believe some how, some way, these dangerous people will pass on and have hope we as humans learn something from their ugliness which we can use for good. The evil of Hitler and the Third Reich has been a great teacher for intolerance in places where intolerance has had a strong hold, it has been used in intercity schools to counteract gang violence and association, it has been used in racist parts of the US to show kids where racism leads. It is sad 11 million people lost their lives to such evil but the loss has not been in vain and will continue not to be in vain as long as there are people willing to teach and live by principle of intolerance and assist others in understanding where it can ultimately lead.

For me a lot of changing my thought process has come from teachers who have been persecuted for their beliefs yet have been able to show compassion to the persecutors. How dare I in my grandiose way hold a resentment/hatred towards someone who has bruised my ego, challenged my philosophy or simply stepped on my toes. Holocaust survivors talk about having forgiveness for the atrocities against them, they may dislike but are not hateful and bitter, they understand how harboring hatred would ruin the rest of their lives. The Dalai Lama and Thich Nhat Hanh are both teachers of how I should show compassion to all, even towards those who have hurt me. These two men witnessed unspeakable crimes against their people yet have found it in their hearts to show compassion and love. I do my best to do as the Dalai Lama says and use those who transgress against me as teachers. I have never had any major acts of violence committed against me or my family, how ugly is it of me to wish ill will towards those who so superficially hurt me when people who have had great acts of violence committed against them, their families, their loved one, their race and nationality can show love and forgiveness. Others who fit this category are, Gandhi, Mandela, Dr. King, people who were on death row for crimes they didn't commit and finally released, civil rights activist, Native Americans, you can add your own to the list, which could get very long.

The other side to this for me is the recovery from a disease of selfishness and ego inflation gone wild. The Big Book says, "But with the alcoholic, whose hope is the maintenance and growth of a spiritual experience, this business of resentment is infinitely grave. We found it fatal." Just down from this Bill writes " If we were to live, we had to be free of anger. The grouch and the brainstorm were not for us. They may be the dubious luxury of normal men, but for the alcoholic these things are poison."

When I relapsed, the fuel which kept me drinking in part was anger and resentment; I was resentful towards my ex for making me a single parent, towards her for killing herself and leaving my daughter motherless in her formative years, I was resentful against the war and those who took us to war, against religion, against a society who mocked and belittle anyone who didn't follow the status quo or refused to pledge blind allegiance, just to name few.Untreated, (one doesn't have to be active to be sick), alcoholism/addiction gives us thousand of reasons to blame other people, places or things for our misery.

The main person I was resentful towards was me. I hated me, what my life had become, what my daughters life had become, the hurt I cause to my parents, I wanted to die. I did not want to commit suicide in the conventional way, no this would have been too much for my daughter to have 2 parents commit suicide, I just kept hoping I would not wake up or have an alcohol induced heart attack or death. Yet I refused to quit drinking, the disease would tell me I wasn't that bad, or if I felt bad the desire would kick in, I would pick up, temporarily blotting out the pain only to have the depressing return, such is the vicious cycle of alcoholism/addiction.

The process of learning to love myself was a bit slow once I got sober. Through the aid of a great sponsor, one who always ended a conversation by saying "I love you", I started forgiving myself, this was also the result of working the steps with him. I learned to accept the mistakes made in the past and take the actions needed to correct the damage done. The actions were showing love, being responsible, not drinking or drugging and practicing spiritual principles to the best of my ability on a daily bases. He told me to pray for my ex wife and in time I forgave her, accepted the disease she suffered from. I stopped reading blogs which fueled my anti-government/society anger, this was part of practicing Right View, I distanced myself from the news even NPR. I came to accept what Bill said about anger and resentment, I take it to heart and know it can be fatal for me. Alcoholics and addicts have two great masters, one is our Higher Power which keeps us staying clean and sober, the other is the Disease. The disease lets us know if we don't take constructive action it will kill us. I don't want to die today.

Love has shown me how to live a peaceful life. Love has shown me how to find balance. This is not to say I still don't dislike things, I just no longer hate things enough to wish destruction. If this type of anger crops up, I reflect on it and see how the wrong view is damaging to my spiritual being. Love is the easier softer road, for me it seems it takes a lot less energy to love than to hate. The energy of love can be transmitted to others. My parents teaching of, treat others as you would have them treat you, is a gift, yah I know this is the Golden Rule found in all religions or spiritual practices. Some people never received this gift or ignored it, they live their lives in angry hatred which is sad. Somewhere in the Bible it says, "love the sinner, hate the sin", I replace the word "hate" with "dislike" for spiritual reasons.

The events of the last month have created a small resentment in my heart. I see this resentment and the damage it can cause. When the resentment rears its ugly head, I counteract it with thoughts of love and compassion. What happened, happened, I played my part in it. I do my best to apply acceptance to the situation at hand. I also know if I don't take action against the resentment it could in time lead to my death, maybe not physical but for sure spiritual. There is a catchphrase which goes "my disease is in the parking lot, doing push ups just waiting for me", harboring a resentment is a sure way for me to walk out into the parking lot and have the disease say "hey buddy, I am here for you, lets you and I work out this resentment thing, you don't need no Higher Power, you don't need those people, you don't need those steps. I will make you forget everything, I will blackout your mind for the time being, reality is over rated anyway." For an ex-drunk and lover of downers like me, it could happen this easily if I am not vigilant. The beauty is, it isn't hard work saying vigilant if I practice love and compassion on a daily bases, spirituality and living sober become a way of life, as long as I do the footwork.

Lastly, I have no direct power to change others views or actions on hatred, violence or intolerance. If I preach against violence, tried this with kids and their video games, or hateful words said, my preaching falls on deaf ears, no one likes to really be told, their ways are corrupt. I can only be a vehicle for love, tolerance and compassion in the way I live my life. If my life is attractive to someone and they wish to make the change then it is their choice, they are the ones how must seek a Higher Power to aid them, a personal means to find inter peace, to end suffering.

Well campers, that is my 2 cents worth. It is going to be a warm day here in Nebraska, highs in the mid 50's. Time to take down mom's Christmas lights, do a bit of work on the Explorer.

Peace Love and Light to all!

Damn I hate doing the right thing sometimes

So Friday I get a call from my oldest sister telling me my youngest sister visited my dad in the nursing home Thursday which is a good thing but she also left dad a book, “30 Minutes in Heaven”. First off because of the dementia dad hasn’t been able to read a book in quite awhile, second my dad has never been a religious man, he believes in God in his own simple way but nothing more than that. My oldest sister told me my younger sister told dad “you want to go to heaven don’t you”. My words to my oldest sister were something along these lines “oh for fuck sake, he doesn’t need this kind of crap to confuse him or stress him out anymore than he already is”.
My youngest sister has always been self righteous, opinionate and self serving, thinking she knows what is best for everyone else in the family, one of those who points at the splinter in someone else eye while ignoring the log in her own eye. In January of 2007 she admitted herself to a treatment facility for alcoholism; it was there that she found God. Up to this point she was pretty open to the idea of a universal God, one that was all inclusive and didn’t need blood atonement from his son. As she has progressed in recovery through AA she has become very much a Bible thumper, thinking the God of the Bible is the only God. Since we live in a small AA community we sometimes attend the same meetings. Over time we have grown further and further apart, she talks about God in the biblical since in meetings and I talk about spirituality in general. I don’t talk about Buddhism openly, but I do talk about the Dharma without people knowing that is what I am talking about, usually in the context of suffering, ego, selfishness, mediation, right speech, right mindfulness, right view and awareness. It has taken some time but I have finally stopped think that people are judging me by what she says, talk about ego, but because I knew her before she still gets under my skin because I knew the person who was a lot more open minded, someone who was a lot more unselfish when it came to her family. She has become a person who has less and less to do with her family and spends her time with church, AA, AA friends and work. She rarely visits my parents and only calls a couple times a month. She has pretty much stopped talking to me, we see each other at meetings but she doesn’t approach me and I have taken the low road and stopped approaching her but I always say hi in case she wants to approach me. My selfishness is that I feel she needs to spend more time with my parents and find out what is really going on with them instead of making assumptions based on only a few hours a month.
I really wanted to take a copy of “The Art of Happiness” by His Holiness the Dalai Lama or “The Tao of Pooh” to put on dad’s dresser just to spite my sister. I know this is wrong thinking and I had a hard time not obsessing over it. I had small battles going on in my head most of Friday, battles between right and wrong. At the meeting I went to Friday night we discussed the Serenity prayer, “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, he courage to change the thinks I can and the wisdom to know the difference.” This prayer always comes back to me; I have to use the tools I have to change my suffering, anger in this case. My anger in part is due to the fact that I perceive that my sister is harming my dad who I have been rather protective of the last couple of years because of his health, I am selfish because I don’t trust others best intensions based on their perceptions of what is right for him, there is a part of me that is being a martyr, damn I hate admitting this, because I have been doing the biggest share of the footwork pertaining to my parents well being and because of this I want things to go my way. I can accept the other Bible thumping members of AA but I can’t accept my own sister being one. I can’t accept that she doesn’t have balance in her life, I see her suffer needlessly, my selfish suffering wanting to fix her suffering. Not sure where all this is going to lead, we are like 2 sword fighters standing at ready waiting for the first one to make a move and commence the battle. It doesn’t have to be this way but I am at loss on how to handle it, so for now I won’t, I will just take care of what is in front of me to do and when my discomfort with the her comes up do my best to release it and fertilize what could become a resentment if I let it.
None of this messes with my staying sober but it does mess with my inter peace. I guess it is time to grab the cushion and see where mediating on it goes. I know that by writing this out I have uncovered some things I hadn’t thought about before.

Comments appreciated