Eyes in the Gravel

Stepping outside to take a breathe and clear the mind from the negative energy flowing through the office I glance down at the gravel that is the foundation of the road and parking lot for my workplace. Looking up at me where hundreds of shining eyes, not thick but every few inches another eye shined. The flecks of rocks that make up the gravel where reflecting the brilliant sun that was shining down, bits of rock no bigger than a pin head, vibrant with light. Wow another blessing of learning to be still and see with open eyes!! How many times have I stepped out back to smoke or breathe, yeah I know smoking and healthy breathing don’t go together but hopefully this is my last year of smoking which is a whole different blog post (suffering and addiction to cigarettes), I know I have noticed the reflections before but never gave them a second thought until yesterday when the beauty struck me. With calm mind I moved around, noticed how the tiny eyes and focused on interdependence, how the rocks and I are one and the same and they are a part of me and I am a part of them. Awareness still blows me away and I am just barely touching the wonders of being aware. I don’t strive for awareness nor to a crave it, in the morning I mediate on being open and removed from bondage of self and this helps opens the channel if I allow it to. Yes I do need to push myself on the awareness of those defects of character that are getting in my way. The biggest one I am aware of is ego/self centeredness, sometimes when I am sitting in a meeting listening to a speaker I wish they would just hurry up because I either want my turn or I want to move on to something I find more interesting or just be done with the meeting to I can go about my business, when this occurs I have to force myself to focus on the moment at hand and what is being said instead of my wants. There are other feelings/actions that I am becoming more strongly aware of and do the best that I can to improve them and make a baby step towards the middle path. Every moment is a chance to live in the moment if I open my eyes, seeing the beauty of nature, hearing the sound of a bird’s wings flapping in flight, smelling vegetation growing these are easy but seeing myself is a bit harder, breaking down the individual to become a complete part of the “we universe”. The literature of recovery and Buddhism both stress being patient and practicing to the best of our abilities on a daily bases and I am grateful, it is better for me to work on small pieces of things that need to be done than to look at the big list which will in turn become overwhelming. When I am overwhelmed with something I stopping doing anything at all, part is perfectionism, if I can’t do it perfectly then I won’t do it at all, the other part is pure laziness, seeing there is a ton of work to be done instead of seeing the ounce of work I can do today. I have been talking to a lot of people in recovery about perceptions lately and it has done me a lot of good because the more we talk about them the more I understand my own perceptions and ignorance’s.

Lighter side: my daughter and granddaughter have moved in with me on a temporary bases, could be a couple of months, long enough for her to get a job and a bit of financial stability. I don’t believe that once the cubs have left the den they aren’t allow back in, my parents have helped me out most of my life for good or bad in some cases, I feel my way of paying them back is by helping my daughter and granddaughter. I have set down some rules and also I will not enable her, she has to take action, I will not become a permanent babysitter either. My daughter is really good about keeping the house clean so that is a bit of repayment. The young lady who was staying at my house and turned around and stole from me has disappeared from the recovery community and so has her boyfriend for the most part, sucks to see but hopefully something will happen that will being them back, but like all of us sometimes it takes having life kick the shit out of you before you are willing to change. Starting to itch for spring and day I can put my shoes in the closet for a few months and only wear sandal or flip flops. Visited a place where we are going to camp for a couple of days over Memorial Day weekend, beautiful canyon with lots of trails, it is not a place that gets a lot of people so it is fairly private, there is an awesome fire pit where we can have bonfire meetings, burn some hot dogs and marshmallows, basically just have a very spiritual recovery weekend.

Well that’s the ramble for now.
Namaste
Scott

Question of Compassion????????

In December I was approached by a couple of kids (early 20’s) in recovery, he had lived in the half way house for 6 months until it was shut down and then moved in with a another person in recovery, she was a couple of weeks out of the mental health hospital for manic depression and alcoholism. I have known him since he was placed on the half way house and her for the 30 days or so while she was a patient at the hospital, both are alright kids from what I could tell. They started a relationship while she was a patient, she had no one to take responsibility for her if she was released from the hospital, she was homeless and her parents had basically disowned her, so the guy signs her out taking full responsibility for her and she moves in with him. He is on a program called drug court which has strict rules about cohabitating with someone who has substance abuse problems, the drug court supervisor found out that she was living with him and told them she had to move ASAP and he was given a stiff reprimand. They know that I have a couple of small rooms that I had let another guy rent from me when he left the half way house so they asked if she could stay with me and he would give me some money when he could, I agreed thinking it would only be for a month or 2 at the most. Now 3 months later I have yet to be paid any money and have provided her with meals, TP , smokes and plus a place to sleep, bath, watch T.V. lay around and what not. She doesn’t clean the house to compensate for the food, but I never told her she had to, my bad habit is assuming that if someone lives with you and they aren’t doing something for days on end, that they would do basic things around the house as a gesture of appreciation, my bad, it is my old farmer school way of thinking. I haven’t been really bothered by the food, the bumming smokes ticks me off a bit because I feel one needs to pay for their own bad habits or quit. Here recently the guy moved into his own apartment and has started blowing money on stuff and using the way over price rent to own place for a Xbox, so after buying a bunch of microwavable meals and pop for her, I realize that I need to confront him and tell him he needs to pay me some money to compensate for the food. I haven’t seen him at a meeting to confront him since I made the decision to do but knew I would tonight. Well this morning I went to put some spare change in a 1lb coffee can that I have using for change for a over a year, every once in a while I have pulled out some quarters so I could buy a pack of smokes if payday was a few days away. This morning when I opened the lid the can was empty! I would guess there was probably at least $20.00 in change in the can. I hate to kick a homeless person out but I will not tolerate stealing, especially after I have been very kind to someone and pretty much provided for their needs which included making sure they could get to meetings.
I honestly feel bad about having to do this but in quiet contemplation or maybe it is just justification by telling her she has to leave then she will have to start trying to help herself harder. The compassionate thing to do would be to stop enabling her and make her face up to the responsibilities of her actions. This is part of the recovery process, owning our inappropriate behavior and making amends by taking whatever corrective action we need to take. Being strong and assertive isn’t my strong suit but what I have to understand is that I am doing it for the right reason. Once again I have remember I am not responsible for someone else’s feelings as long as what I am confronting them on is for their own good. Compassion comes in many forms, I need to work on being aware of all the forms.

Parroting Catchphrases, Polly Want Sobriety

Our society loves catchphrases, those cutesy little sayings from commercials or entertainers that for a brief time a large part of the popular are repeating over and over again until they fade away and are replaced by the next brain dead phrase of the moment. Initially some of these phrases have genuinely good meanings but over time they become trivialized and meaningless, spiritual and social awareness phrases and symbols come to mind. Sometimes I feel the same thing has happened with AA slogans, Big Book quotes and AA catchphrases. We sit in meetings and hear these phrases over and over again but when they are said is the person saying them really understanding the implications of what they are saying. I have been guilt of doing just what I am concerned about until I stopped and really thought about it, also I talked with my sponsor and a couple other wise ones in recovery and realized that the phrases need to be used properly with the proper action talked about or explained for the benefit of the newcomer and some phrase really need to be removed from the AA lexicon altogether.

“Fake it till you make it” if one is faking something then they are being dishonest. Bill tells us repeatedly in the Big Book and 12 and 12 about being honest, “rigorous honesty” is mentioned every time we read “How it Works” at meetings, yet people are telling others to be dishonest and “fake it”. The intent of this may be to give those who still have some doubts about their drinking problem or AA in general an easier softer way so that at some point they will “make it” what ever “it” is, the sister saying to this is “Act as if.” When I got sober nobody told me it was going to be easy, they told me to “hang on to your butt, it’s going to be a bumpy ride” and “don’t drink, go to meetings get sponsor and work the steps, above all else don’t drink even if your butt falls off.” O.K. they may have had a fixation with the condition of my butt but at least they weren’t telling me to be dishonest! When I walked into AA I was already pretty good at being dishonest, I was dishonest with myself and everyone else I met and you told me I would have to learn to be honest which requires a bit of trust. You told me to have faith in a Power Greater than myself, that if I didn’t have my own I could use the group for this Power or borrow yours. I just needed to have faith that things would get better and you showed me this by the way you treated myself and other newcomers, by sharing how you had risen out of the depths of alcoholic despair to live a joyous and productive life in sobriety. You told me it was about progress and not perfection, to mellow out and take it one day at a time, and that in time if I took the same actions you took my craving for alcohol would disappear, you said I would truly enjoy being sober and you weren’t dishonest, in what you told me. The ride was bumpy, sometimes difficult, sometimes easy but I wasn’t faking the actions, I was taking the actions and my reward was that the compulsion to drink was removed and those elusive promises started coming true.

“Once again my troubles are of my own making.” If we are going to paraphrase this from the Big Book shouldn’t we quote the paragraph prior to this statement, “Selfishness----self-centeredness! That we think is the root of all our troubles.” Too many times someone will say their troubles are of their own making when they are in emotional turmoil or turmoil due to outside forces, they use the phrase like a cop out, “ oh well I caused my own problem.” If I am causing my own problems then I better learn to identify how selfishness and self-centeredness are creating these difficulties, what aspect of selfishness is generating my fear, fear is the underlying cause for anger, low self esteem, self-pity and a host of others. I also need to remember the how my selfishness gives raise to the seven deadly sins; lust, gluttony, greed, sloth, rage, envy and pride. I need to remember that when I share I need to identify how my own selfishness is causing the problem and what action/actions I need to take change the problem. When I work on my defects using the spiritual tool kit I become more aware of how my selfishness is effecting me, the less selfish I become the better my life is, this doesn’t mean life is always roses and dark chocolate, I still have bad hours, what I do accept is that my selfish desires want the world to revolve around me and the little Veruca Salt inside me acts up and wants everything to go my way 24/7, which is selfishness at it’s best. I create my own happiness or misery, it is all in my outlook and attitude, to be unselfish is to understand that the world and everything in it is doing what it is suppose to and I can’t always have it my own selfish way. I also need to take responsibility for my own actions or inactions, if I do something to wrong someone or an institution then they have a right to retaliate, I need to do a 10th step, learn from the experience and hopefully not repeat it. Yes I do create my own troubles but I am also responsible for my own serenity and whether or not I used the tools of recovery to maintain that serenity.

“First thought wrong” or “My biggest trouble lies between my ears.” I spent a drunken life time perfecting the art of low self-esteem, self doubt and shame, all turbo charged, so now in recovery why should I continue this practice, why should I stay co-dependent on this same self doubting behavior. On page 86 of the Big Book Bill writes about our morning prayer and mediation in which he says, “We consider our plans for the day. Before we begin, we ask God to direct our thinking, especially asking that it be divorced from self-pity, dishonest, or self seeking motives. Under these conditions we can employ our mental faculties with assurance, for after all God gave us brains to use. Our thought-life will be on a much higher plane when our thinking is cleared of wrong motives.” He then goes on to tell us how to use prayer and mediation to improve our day and our lives in general on a daily bases. My problems do not necessarily arise from my thinking but more from acting impulsively to my thinking. When I drank I would act impulsively to a thought without thought of consequences or the effects it has on others, if I wanted to buy something I would without thought of upcoming financial needs, I was in a constant state of fulfilling my wants over my needs no matter what the cost and who I damaged along the way. The other problem with my thinking was not checking my motives. With prayer, mediation and the assistance of others I have learned and am learning to stop and look at the bigger picture of what I am thinking about. If I am planning something major like moving, changing jobs, getting into a possible intimate relationship I mediate about it for clarity and then talk it over with my sponsor or another trusted member of AA, they in turn can assist me in seeing all the pros and cons, my decision to follow my thinking may be correct, my trouble arises in putting too high of expectation on the change, I want to see the changes as being all rosy where as someone else will point out the thorns I need to be aware of thus saving me from unnecessary suffering. My experience has also been that when I practice prayer and mediation I don’t act as impulsively, I wait to buy something I want until I can afford it, my thinking is fine in wanting the newest CD by my favorite artist but if I have other monetary expense I postpone the purchase until I an afford it without causing financial stress. Asking someone out to dinner may be a good idea, but getting emotionally wrapped up in that person after the first date isn’t nor is not considering her emotional and spiritual well being, once again slowing down and rationally thinking about the situation is the un-selfish use of my thought process.

“I would rather be drunk than dry and miserable” or something to that effect. Really who hasn’t had a dry spell or 2, a period when we are caught up in the I, Self, Me of self-pity, a period when we don’t feel like praying, talking to our sponsor, going to meetings, working the step and so on. I would rather see someone be dryer then an Arizona cornfield than to see them pick up a drink again, that drink may be the one that kills them, or kills another person, there is no guarantee anyone will come back after they start drinking again. I was lucky I made it back to the rooms of AA after my relapse but it took 10 years, 10 years of damaging the life of my daughter, putting my poor parents through mental Hell, financial and legal problems, thanks to my Higher Power I never killed anyone even though I was a severe drunk driver. Please don’t throw temptation to the wind and suggest that someone or yourself go ahead and get drunk just because they are dry and miserable, encourage them to use the tools available to them get off the pity pot, the 12th step and our primary purpose aren’t just for practicing alcoholics you know.

“Stick with the winners” I know what you are talking about and understand the meaning of this statement but the newcomer in the corner or back of the room with less than a few months of sober time may not, you know the one who is too shy to ask questions. Do you remember when you first walked into the rooms, your head was swimming with all kinds of stuff, you listened in the meetings and got more confused, thankfully some people reached out to you and explained the basics, I remember those days. I also remember feeling like a loser and how it took a while before I thought I was even in the game of life again let alone thinking I was a winner. When we share about sticking with the winners, let us (myself included) share that the people who enjoy life in sobriety are the ones generally follow the suggestions of, going to meetings, working the steps, getting a sponsor, developing a network of recovery friends, doing service work, reading the literature, and being a part of the fellowship/participating in our own sobriety.

Having said all of this, there are slogans and phrase that just as important as the steps and traditions. “One day, one hour, one minute at a time” just for today/this hour/this moment I won’t pick up that first drink. “Don’t drink and go to meetings” one could add “get a sponsor and work the steps” to this but the chances are if someone just doesn’t drink and goes to meetings eventually they will follow suit and get a sponsor and start working the steps. “Keep coming back it works” this is what our experience has shown us. “Easy does it” but do it. We all have our favorites, as for me I need to make sure I am saying these things out of practice and not complacent parroting, that I am aware of how my words can effect others, words are very powerful and I need to respect them. Now comes the paradox slogan for this whole writing, “Keep It Simple” I just analyzed some phrases bring back the point that we need to watch what we say and keep it simple. Dr. Bob warned Bill and all of us not to louse this thing up by getting too complicated, maybe I am complicating things by analyzing these phrase and need to heed Dr. Bob’s words myself, so I will and close with thank you for reading my rant.

Selfish fear and confusion

I am scared and a bit confused. The fear comes from that old feeling of low self esteem. Here lately I have been assisting quite a few people in recovery and a couple who aren’t. I only sponsor a few of those who have sought me out which is fine, I don’t sponsor people to attain notches on my recovery coin. The AA responsibility statement which reads “I am responsible. . . When anyone, anywhere, reaches out for help. I want the hand of AA always to be there. And for that: I am Responsible.” is something ingrained in my recovery psyche, so when someone asks to talk to me, I don’t hesitate, nor do I judge their character good or bad. The fear comes in the selfish question of “why me and do I really have something to offer them, I’m just a drunk who hasn’t had a drink today nor have I had a drink in the past few yesterdays”. I do my best to stay humble, I don’t give out any suggestions I haven’t done myself or I make sure I let people know that I am expressing my opinion/feelings, if I can’t help I give the name of a person who can. I share my experience, strength and hope to the best of my ability which is all that I can do. All this sounds rather uncomplicated in writing but then comes the fear of making sure I stay humble. I have a hard time accepting the gifts I have, not material but intellectual, and by intellectual I don’t mean the brainiac know it all form of intelligence, I mean an intelligent understanding of things spiritual and emotional. Extended suffering comes from not recognizing or changing the selfish nature on the emotion that is causing us pain; how can low self esteem be selfish? In this circumstance the selfish is not accepting who I am, that it isn’t about “me”, it is about what the Ancestors have given me and what I am suppose to pass along to those who feel I have something to offer them. It would be selfish if didn’t help another, if I didn’t write my thoughts out or send messages of support to those I care about, it would be selfish if I thought “no one wants to hear what I have to share” because obviously they do or they wouldn’t ask me or thank me for the feedback, same goes with those who have asked someone else for help and they have been pointed in my direction because the person they asked know I could help them better. When I doubt myself then I doubt the way of the universe, if I go against stream then I struggle and if I struggle I lose serenity. I took a few days off from a daily AA meeting because since it is the 2nd month the topic of discussion tends to turn to the 2nd step “ Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity”. I am the odd person out when it comes to Higher Powers, mine is still pretty much about a Divine Creator and less about God in the conventional since. My selfish ego was having a battle about the difference between going to the meeting to share about the step and the Higher Power the way I understand them and going to the meeting to be an outspoken contrast to those who speak strongly about the Judeo-Christian concept of God. After mediating about this for a few days, I came to the awareness that I am responsible for making sure the newcomers and others understand the implications of spirituality from a broader perspective and also as long as I was speaking from the heart, from my experience, strength and hope and not speaking to any individuals then I was acting humbly. I am gradually learning that I can be a teacher and stay humble at the same time it just takes being aware of my motives, when the ME or I pop up I need to stick the pin of humility in to my inflated ego. I am grateful that I can be of service to alcoholics and non-alcoholics alike, that I have been given some gifts that can be used for compassion and maybe the betterment of others. I also have to understand that I am not responsible for how others act or don’t act, I cant’ control others suffering, drinking or using, the choice is theirs just the same as it is mine.

Musings

Well so far so good with President Obama, damn it feels good typing that, Bush has always been the “Moron” to me but I respect Obama so I will use his proper title. It is nice to have dignity, intelligence and intellect returned back the White House. I fully accept that he will take a middle of the road stance on something’s and I will disagree with him now and then. His first actions have been simple but yet powerful reversals of some of the neo-con agenda, Roe v Wade is safe again for a while and maybe down the road once some of the more pressing problems get taken care of, President Obama and his team will start working on providing an alternative solution to abortions, incentives for having the baby and giving it up for adoption, doing something to increase birth control, wow how novel to have a president who actually understands there is more to birth control than just say no, who understands the needs of third world countries and will try to do what is necessary to assist them in getting some form of population control. Oh there is so much damage control to reverse but President Obama seems to be the man for the job and hopefully so are the people he picked to assist him. I am very optimistic about Hillary as Secretary of State, I didn’t support her for president but with her background I think she will make a very good Secretary of State. Enough about politics.

After almost 3 long years it seems that my daughter will finally no longer be a ward of the state. In the last year she has really put forth the effort to change some of her habits and ways, of course having a baby to look after helps but I have seen young women with babies who kept on messing with partying and the lot, dumping off the baby with someone or taking the baby with them. My daughter isn’t perfect but she seems to be moving in the right direction. She has some fairly concrete goals and I hope she achieves some of them. I know she is very dedicated to taking care of Angel. I have a feeling that part of the dedication is the fact that her mother wasn’t there for her and I wasn’t either for a few years.

My little Angel is growing by leaps and bounds. She is on the verge of crawling and can sure scoot herself towards any object she wants to examine closely. She continues to be a happy and content baby, fully of smiles or intense observations, taking things in like she is trying to figure them out.

I am continuing to recognize the areas that I need to work on and strive to change them. Seems like with insight I see more challenges all the time or maybe I am just thinking harder about how I treat some people and why. Still have a bit of problem with my attitude toward my sister, I am having a hard time not being harshly judgmental with her, this is just something I have to deal with when we attend meetings together, just because we are siblings doesn’t mean I have to approve of her current actions, I just have to treat her with loving kindness, which I do when we encounter each other face to face, it is just in listening to what she is saying that I analyze her, which is a big ME BAD and something to work on.

My new guys are doing well. The guy who just got out of treatment is going through the raw emotions mode, we had a good talk last night, don’t know if I was much help but man it really reinforced some things for me, relationship stuff that I have been going through myself, understanding that I am looking for long term and not quick feel good companionship and sex. The other guys are at different stages but all seem to be on solid recovery ground.

Coming to understand a bit about myself and living alone. Since I have had someone staying at my house I am more aware of how little I talk. I am not rude, I answer questions and engage in conversation if she starts it but rarely do I start it myself. I am sure if I met the right person someone I have more in common with than her maybe I would talk more, I know that I am not overly attracted to quiet women because of a fear of not having conversations. I need someone who will get me talking, open me up to what is on my mind, I am far better at listening and feedback than instigating. I don’t know if this is good or bad, probably neither, it just is. I do feel that from a spiritual point of view that by my being quiet I am not engaging in selfish blabber, not that everyone who talks a lot is selfish. When I speak I do my best to speak from my heart and not to impress others. For years I have wanted to have an intimate relationship with someone, but now when I stop and think about it with my eyes open wider maybe it really isn’t what I want. I will not close the door on having a relationship and trust that there might still be that magical soul mate out there but my craving has lessened, oh I still get the craving when I see attractive women who I connect with on a surface level or sometimes in the evening when I wish I had someone special to share a meal and movie with, maybe snuggle on the couch but overall I am realizing I am quite comfortable being alone.

Well I guess I will end this rambling for now.

Pet Peeves

Pet Peeves and the practice of love and tolerance don’t go together ARGH!! I was driving to work this morning, 7:55am and noticed a few cars that didn’t have their headlights on; I thought to myself “that is a pet peeve of mine, too hazardous, others have a hard time seeing them” then the next thought that came to mind was, “pet peeves go against practicing Love and Tolerance towards all, freaking ARRGH” I could probably make a long list of pet peeves but if I really think about them they come down to 2 basics things, common courtesy and social etiquette. Don’t know about anyone else but the biggest share of my pet peeves either come while driving or in a store. Have we become such a fast track society that we no longer take the time to use basic courtesies behind the steering wheel (turn signals, head lights at dawn and dusk, no talking on the cell phone, letting someone out onto a busy street, etc) or in public in general (holding the door open for others especially the elderly, saying “excuse me” when moving around people, letting people go ahead of us in a check line if they only have 1 or 2 items again this applies more to elderly, kind smiles and pleasant comments etc) these are just a few. Manners/social etiquette is a another thing that seems to be decreasing in our society, my dad was raised a poor farm kid, he had no idea about social etiquette when he joined the Army he was around guys who did practice etiquette and proper manners and he tried to emulate them because he understood the valve of presenting yourself respectfully in public and mixed company, it was one of the valves he strongly instilled upon his children. I was raised to say, thank you, please, no thank you, greet people with a cordial greeting, to say yes and no instead of yah, yup, naw; the worst case I saw of this was a young man sitting in front of a county court judge, the judge would ask the young man a question and he would reply to the judge with a yah or naw, I am sure the judge is use to this but to me it was blatant disrespect to the judge. I have a problem with people who chatter when another person is speaking in a meeting or formal setting, this is flat out rude and disrespectful. Another problem of mine is childish behavior and I do call this a problem because it is more than a pet peeve or intolerance. When I was growing up childish behavior was looked down on and one could be punished for not controlling ones self, so as I matured I took on a more serious attitude towards certain things. Loud flatulence in a social setting is not funny it is rude, belching loudly is for 5 years and not grown men and women, the same goes for passing gas. Giggling over sexual innuendoes is for adolescent or teenage kids, stupid sexual innuendoes in general are for people under 20, sorry but dick, boob, and vagina jokes for the most part are just socially unacceptable, same goes with any form of vulgarity or excessive profanity. See this is my problem, most people can take this type of behavior in stride but it really gets under my skin, to others I come across as arrogant, humorless, and too serious, so the problem me and how I react and how it effects my serenity.
The things I have mentioned above do need to be worked on by the individuals who do the acts; it is their ignorance and theirs alone. I am powerless over these acts, yes I can suggest corrections to some people who are close to me but all I can give is suggestions. I am responsible for my own emotions, my own suffering. One of the ways to end suffering is to practice loving kindness all the time. When I get these moments where I become aware of something I am doing wrong it is like getting chocolate cake after getting a shot in the buttocks, it hurts like all get out but then there is a sweet reward, if I look at awareness in a positive light is really is a sweet reward. So now that I am aware that even though I will always have pet peeves I need to accept those that exhibit those peeves with loving kindness and tolerance, the pet peeves became an add on to a list of intolerances I need to work on or be more aware of. I need to keep working on not taking things to damn seriously, mainly “me”, this is something I have been gradually working on for some time. When people make a silly rude joke at an AA meeting I try really hard not to scowl; got a feeling this is one of those things that will take a good many years worth of work to become neutral on, if it ever does, hey it’s the journey that counts.

Just for laughs, I am finishing with the lyrics to a Little Feat song about those cars that have there stereos too damn loud, that cause my car to vibrate from 2 car lengths away and drown out my radio station. This is intolerant thinking at its best and the answer to another driving pet peeve; I sing the song to myself quite a bit when a Boom Box car comes close to me.

With all this rap dap 'o' lappin' and those bass drums a flappin
At a million and twenty dee bees
It's got my eyeballs bleadin' and my eardrums pleadin'
I'm beggin' mercy, please, please, please
But what has got me so mad is when you tell me oh dad
Ya 'bout as square as you can be
Would ya think I's neater if I blew out your tweeters
With this 12 guage across my knees
Give up the keys
You and your Boom Box Car

Season of the Newcomers

It is the season of newcomers for me, I am sponsoring 5 new guys in recovery and I have a newcomer staying in my spare room so I talk with her, give her what experience, strength and hope I can and for the things I can’t I give her the names of those who can be of more assistance. Dogen Zenji stated “ To study the Way is to study the self. To study the self is to forget the self. To forget the self is to be enlightened by all things of the Universe.” Helping newcomers in recovery isn’t actually studying the Way but it is practicing the 8 Fold Path and I am not looking for enlightenment but it is probably a byproduct. When I sit and talk with these people going over how they are powerless over alcohol and drugs, how their use of alcohol and drugs has damaged their lives, physically, mentally, spiritually, financially; how they have caused harm to those closest to them, I have to go back to my own history of damage. Every time I go through what I went through it shines more light on my own way of living, each of these people is different so in talking to them I have to touch the part of me that they can relate to. I have to be aware of how parts of my history are similar to theirs, I have to really listen to what they are saying and think before I respond, I have to study self to give self. These people depend on me to help them to the best of my ability to assist them in staying and living a sober life, they are trusting me which is a big step for them and a big responsibility for me. I have to be aware of how I am living my life, that I am living a life based on the principles I try and bestow to them. When I tell them they are powerless over other people and other things and that if we allow other people and circumstances in life to effect us negatively then we are only adding to our own suffering, then I need showing them by example. They have witnessed that I live a relatively peaceful life, that I am positive and happy, I also share with them when I am struggling and the challenges I face and also that I have to go to my teacher for help too. I have to understand my own feelings, defects and strengths. I have to touch my fears so they can understand their fears better, same goes for breaking down anger, ego, pride, low self esteem, resentments, all of which stem from self and the want of the big I, the “I want”, “I need” “they aren’t”, “they don’t” the stuff that messes with our inter peace because life isn’t going the way I want it to go and the way “I” want it to go is my way, no hassles, no pain, no conflict, no confrontations and so on. Every time I have one of these discussion I grow a little bit myself. I awaken my mind a bit more too where I am falling short and work towards handling situations a bit better.
I take it really easy on the spiritual part of recovery. I am a strong believer in letting everyone find a concept of a Higher Power that they are comfortable with. Too many people in recovery get fouled up early on because they are trying too hard to get the “God thing” down pat, they are forcing themselves to believe as others believe and get discouraged, which in turns creates mental anguish. I explain to them my way of understanding a Divine Creator, a being that created the Universe and all that is natural. Unless they want to get into a deeper discussion I leave my thoughts on a Higher Power at that. I explain my Buddhism to them as a spiritual path that works for me. I talk about the first 3 Noble Truths but don’t go to far into the 8 Fold Path, this is the easiest and most comprehensive way for me to explain suffering, how to recognize the suffering and how to neutralize the suffering, once again this is done in the most basic form. My favorite thing to tell them is about inviting the feeling to sit down and have tea with us, to greet the emotion as a guess and by sitting down and having tea with the emotion we are taking the power away from the emotion and treating it as an equal, just the 2 of us sitting across from each other sipping tea neither one get anxious over the other one, that when we honestly honor the feelings as a path to growth we become at peace with the feelings; I explain this takes a lot of practice but with practice it gets easier to deal with uncomfortable emotions, I find that I have the hardest time going this when I am angry at someone or something. Once again by going over these things I am reminded that I need to make sure I am practicing what I am suggesting to others. I do share about the importance of prayer and basic breathing mediation. For me my morning pray is a way of saying thanks for being alive and sober, I set my mind on a positive path by reminding myself to practice the 8 Fold Path, compassion and loving kindness through out the day, lately I have been visualizing being a peaceful river flowing through the lives of others, I also do a short breathing exercise, all of these things assist me in meeting life on life’s terms, to counter the negative vibes at work or those that just come with the world we live in. There are times during the day when I have to repeat some of these actions over again because I am allowing others to effect me. I end each night by giving thanks for another day, reflect on the positive events and once again do a short breathing mediation. I explain the benefits of doing this for me and suggest it to them to try going the same in what ever form they feel comfortable with.
It would be great if there was a guarantee that all of us stay sober and clean for the rest of our time on earth but there isn’t. The best that we can do is live each day on a spiritual plain, have regular contact with others in recovery and remember what happened when we drank, meaning the destructive side, the feeling of being utterly alone, the darkness and misery. I am grateful that these people are in my life, they help me get out of self, they remind me of where I came from and where I can go again, they assist me in my recovery as much as I assist them.
As with Buddhism, part of being in recovery is the community of people on the same path, our meeting rooms are the gathering place for the recovery sangha, we need each other. Some times the teachers and the students change roles which is the invisible hand of growth moving us around. Like any community there is good and bad, being in recovery doesn’t mean we give up free will, I suggest based on my experience, perceptions and knowledge and you do the same for me, some times my ignorance comes out the same as yours, we are free to make mistakes, we are free to follow the teachers we choose, we are free to suffer, we are free to be joyful and serene. There are no must, no matter how much people talk about God, steps, slogans, catchphrases, passages from literature, none of this is mandatory. What I am trying to say is there is a bit of prejudice out there towards 12 step recovery a programs, I am not so blind that I can’t see some of the problems that exist but over all 12 step programs do and have saved the lives of a huge number of alcoholics and addicts.

Namaste
Scott