Sober floating, Sober camping

Photo's top to bottom; THANK YOU district 14 for another wonderful Sober Float, our campsite, Niobrara river valley, river just down from campsite and last my camera shy dog Sweetheart.

My friend Wendy rode up with me, her fiancee Jeremy drove up in his car with a sponcee. We had a really good visit up, part meeting, part fun conversation. Jeremy's sponcee did his 5th step on the trip up. I enjoy roadtripping with fellow recovery people; always talk about what it was like and what it is like now, plus personal insights, lots of laughter and a bit of open heart seriousness.

This was the first 5th step Jeremy had done with a sponcee, it was wonderful to hear and see the effect it had on him. It is truly beautiful to watch people grow in recovery.

We made it in plenty of time to set up camp, have a chili supper and make the 8:00pm meeting. There is no time limit at camp out meetings, it goes on until everyone gets a chance to share, which is really nice; there were 34 people at the meeting. After the meeting with started the bonfire just as a thunderstorm started rolling in. While the others retired to their tents, I tended the fire and waited for 2 other cars to show up. Tending the fire in a gentle rain was a great time for me to do some mediation and feel nature. In one of the cars was my daughter Mich and her new boyfriend, by midnight they still hadn't shown up. There is no cell phone reception at the campgrounds, so I drove a couple miles out of the canyon to call them. Call it God or Karma but I met them just as they were turning onto the road. Once they got to the site, Mich quickly set up the tent, telling bf, who is not a camper, what to do to help, something I found quite amusing, yep she is my kid.

Saturday morning dawned sunny and beautiful. After the tradition breakfast of breakfast burritos, I fry the meat ahead of time and scramble the raw eggs so all I have to do is fry the mixture up, then warm the tortilla's, quick and easy breakfast everybody likes. We got to the launch site at 9:30am. One guy from Kearney, Francis, with about 18 months sobriety ventured the 200 miles on his own, he was a virgin to the whole AA camping and Sober Float experience, he decided to step out side his comfort zone, took the chance and showed up. Francis was going to float on this own but I suggested he tie up with us which he did. We tied 6 tubes together with a cooler tube in the middle. The cooler held, water, Gatorade, smokes, lighters and cameras in a plastic container. The water temperature was brisk but not freezing. There were 4 relatively newcomers tied with us, we shared about ourselves, lots of laughs and perspectives. An hour and a half into the float we stopped at Smith Falls, the biggest waterfall in Nebraska, something like 100 ft. Smith Falls is a common stop on the river, place to use a bathroom, have a picnic and see the beautiful waterfall, stand under the freezing water. For sober alcoholics it is also a great place to get a flashback of what we were once like.

The river is crowded with plenty of people drinking beer and other alcoholic beverages. Some are very loud, others just mind there own business and drink. At the falls, you get to watch people stumble along, listen to stupid alcohol induced conversations, things we use to do. Some of it was sad, like a few young women who were drunk out of their minds, it was only about 11:00am. Nick and I talked about how many light weights there were, how we drank so heavy a 12 pack had little effect on us. This isn't bragging, this is the sad truth of where our addiction took us. Watching others drink on the river is always a good reminder of why we can't and don't want to drink again. Even Mich and bf who are not active in recovery, they still drink, noticed how much better it was to float the river sober.

We landed at the half way point, campground for Sober Float around noon. There is a lunch of burgers, hot dogs, salads and such provided by district 14. After lunch most people get back on the river and do the 3-1/2 hour float which concludes the days floating. I had been in the second half of the float before, it is just as beautiful and peaceful as the first half. This year I decided to forgo the second half, go back to the campsite, clean up dishes, gather firewood and then take a drive along the river and also go into the town of Valentine for ice, plus wanted to call Teresa (new girlfriend) and talk to her, I missed her not being able to come. Mich's bf said he had enough sun for one day and stayed back as well. I asked him if he wanted to go for a ride with me and he did. We had a nice visit while driving, stopped at a scenic lookout. He mentioned he was glad he came, he had never experience this beautiful part of Nebraska before. I didn't talk to him much about recovery, figured he was surrounded by people living in recovery and the message would come through loud and clear without a word being said.

Evening brought a potluck supper and another meeting. One of the guys from Kearney who lives in a three quarter way house, brought his little sister up, it was her 12th birthday and his present to her was tubing and camping, he shared how this was one of the best things he had done in his young life and was so grateful he was clean and sober. The final count for Sober Float was 54 people, many of them newcomers. I think I got as much out of the newcomers being there as they did. It is a joy to watch people realize they can have fun in recovery, to experience "we are not a glum lot, we insist on having fun"!

It started raining once again after the meeting. This time most of my group took a 25 mile road trip to a casino in South Dakota. Me not being a gambler stayed behind, built a big fire and once again took time to mediate. I also laid down and read for a bit, then got a good nights sleep. The gentle sound of rain on the tent was just the right thing to hear while following asleep. Next morning we started a roaring fire, drank a couple of pots of good campfire coffee and loaded up. Another storm move in just as we finished loading. I had a different person ride back with me and again it was good conversation.

We got back to Kearney at 2:30pm. Teresa came over and we had a nice visit while I put things away. My relationship with Teresa is growing, we have much more in common than I did with Lady B. We have common taste in music and movies, both like to read and also our drinking and up-brings are similar. Both come from families where emotions were not expressed with the exception of anger. I met her boys on Tuesday and we really hit it off as well. I will write more on this later.

My yearly journey to Sober Float is something I really enjoy. I love the peacefulness of floating down the river, spending quality time with the God of my understanding. I enjoy the fellowship, the love, laughter and support. It is a time of mindfulness and reflection.

When we got back, Wendy, who is not a tent camper but stepped outside her comfort zone, Jeremy bought a nice tent, even had a battery operated ceiling fan in it, trying to make the experience of sleeping in a tent more comfortable for her, said we need to do another camp out. In the past Wendy and Jeremy have stayed in cabins when we camp, so she has been a part of the camping experience. Anyway, she said she missed not having our bonfire meetings, meetings among our small group of campers, close friends who really open up sitting around a fire surrounded by nature. It was decide we would have a camp out later this summer at a state park a few miles south of Kearney. This will allow others the ability to join us without having to drive very far, be easier for those of us who work second shift or Saturday's. I thought it was really cool she was the one who brought up the idea of camping again, usually it is Jeremy or I who instigate this.

Well friends, this has taken my a week to write. Today is the 4th of July. I am taking my mom and Angel to my home town for the annual parade this morning, I haven't been to the parade in a long time, mom and I will enjoy the parade seeing old friends and Angel will like the candy and abundance of horses. Today is also Angel's 3rd birthday, so this afternoon we are having a party for her. Angel has been a special gift from God to me, she has given me a chance to grow in more ways than I can count.

Peace Love and Light

Keeping Gratitude Alive

A couple of weeks ago I bought a copy of the AA Grapevine collection book called "Spiritual Reflections II". It is a collection of articles from the Grapevine magazine about peoples spiritual experiences. I have read the first volume a couple of times and was glad to see a new one out. I like to hear about others experiences in recovery and life, whether it is an article in a magazine, something shared at a meeting or posted on a blog. The reason "he not busy being born is busy dying" is one of my favorite phrases is; I always have more to learn in life, more to reflection on and more changes to make. If I stop growing spiritually, I will die spiritually, I will become bitter, more egotistical than I already am and a self absorbed asshole who isn't servicing the Divine purpose of life.

One of the writers talked about "keeping gratitude alive". She was saying it wasn't simply enough for her to make a gratitude list, she said she could get complacent with the list because it was routine and she realized she wasn't putting gratitude in action during her hours awake. I liked this and thought, wow another thing for more mindfulness daily reflection.

Yes I am happy a large portion of my day but do I reflect on this happiness as gratitude or do I just accept it as part of life?

I have a habit of saying "thank you" to whatever Divine power there may be when good things happen during the day; a green traffic light when I am in a hurry, remembering something at the right time, a accident prevented which could have created a mess or slight injury, a notion on a better way of doing something thus saying time and money. These are acts of gratitude in the moment.

I love watching the birds eat out of my feeders, I need to remember I am blessed with eye sight to see this. The other morning I heard the black birds making a racket, so I went to the window to see what the fuss was about, figured they were picking on the starlings and finches again. One black bird was taking sunflower seeds to it's mate who was a few feet away bathing in a puddle of water, I can only imagine one was telling the other to hurry up with the food. I was privileged to witness this and have the mindfulness to notice the beauty of nature.

Keeping gratitude alive for me means, acknowledging the gifts I have been given. To understand my head is clear enough to really see things in life, to feel things and to know I don't have it so bad. My knees have been really hurting me the last week or so, instead of complaining I need to be grateful I am still able to do my job, even with a knee brace, others are less fortunate.

It is true nothing in life is permanent and I shouldn't become attached to anything in life. If I lose what I am attached to, I need to still able to remain peaceful even in the face of calamity, mindfulness and mediation are the tools for this for me. Not saying I don't get upset but after careful reflection I can bring myself back to the impermanence of life, it might take a few days for this to happen, it all depends on how soon I am willing to let go of the attachment. Yet I need to feel in my heart a since of gratitude for the wonderful things in my life, for the gifts and not as my sponsor says, minimize too much. I have to work on finding a balance with being humble; to share beauty and insight as a gift, I have been given the gift, I can't take credit for it yet I need to share it and take complements gracefully from others and not minimize my part in the gift, if that makes sense.

The first half of this post was written prior to go to my Sunday morning home group. Bring Fathers day and also due to the death of Clarence Clemons, I was already in a sentimental mood. I was reflecting on my dad and how I missed him, reflecting on how much joy the Big Man brought to the world and also what keeping gratitude alive means. I shared how it is automatic for me to feel gratitude at night when I get home from work and go for a cold bottle of water or ginger ale, how to me this is such a great change and how the obsession to drink alcohol has been lifted. What has really kicked in the last couple of days is the realization I naturally do this in the mornings too. When I was drinking if I had a few hours of idle time prior to work I would start drinking beer or wine. My eyes were teary during the whole meeting because I was filled with such gratitude over how my life has change and how the obsession has been lifted. The thought of drinking in the morning is completely gone, I had forgotten how bad I was and how I couldn't have any idle time without having a drink in my hand. I share easily about a lot of the damage and severity of my active alcoholism but the reality of morning drinking never really hit home until Sunday morning and I couldn't hold back the tears. I was blessed my sponsor was at the meeting for a change, I told him of the experience and also a close friend. My sponsor told me this is the an act of gratitude I really need to share with others, we are never to old or to young in recovery to hear about others experiences.

Saturday evening I had my friend over for supper, she is the one who's son in dying. Earlier in the week I had debated asking her for supper. I realized I needed to ask, there seemed to be a connection, and leave the decision up to her. Yes she is going through a really rough time in life and after putting her life on hold for a few months has started to doing things for herself. So who I am I to think she didn't need my company and someone to talk to. I told her honestly I had mixed emotions, but realized I was enabling her in the grief and reality process if I didn't reach out. We had a really good evening. We have a lot in common, lot more then Lady B and I did, but I had to have the relationship with Lady B to understand more about me and relationships. We shared laughter and she shared tears, we shared commonalities of alcoholism. She was looking through my music collection, identifying artist she liked, when she said the Indigo Girls I was shocked. The Indigo Girls are not very well known in this part of Nebraska, they aren't commercial and are radio stations are very much geared toward commercial artist, even the classic rock stations. Don't know where this relationship will go but for now we going to start building the friendship. When we talked Sunday afternoon I told her of my concerns about rushing into things too fast, how sex can really mess things up and cause a lot of emotional pain if it is too soon, she agreed and told me she was a bit relived to hear this. We are both sharing about ourselves from the heart, I feel this is the best way to start a relationship. Any how thought I would let you in on this.

Well I need to get in the shower. A buddy is coming over to set up his new tent and water proof it. Friday we are headed up north for our camp out and river run.

Prayers, blessings and love to all!!

Peace Love Light

Scott

Not Much to say, well maybe??

Last Saturday and this Saturday have been fellowship days. Last Saturday was the state reunion. This is an event were the delegate gives his report from GSO, it is also 3 days of speakers and fellowship. I wasn't certain I was going to make it, didn't know until Friday night if I had the day off or not, so my expectations were not very high. I enjoy the reunion because it gives my a chance to visit with people from around the state who I only see once or twice a year. The beauty of doing service work is I was allow to meet some really wonderful people in AA from other cities and towns, I cherish the times I get to visit with them for a few minutes. I hardly ever get to see my sponsor anymore, last Saturday I was able to visit with him for a few minutes and be reminded of why I truly admire this man and his outlook on recovery. He is a man of few words but when he speaks he cuts the fat off hog and gets to the point, in a very leveled headed and pragmatic way. A couple of months ago he went to South Dakota to attend a conference on Native Americans and AA, he said the problem is plain and simple, we are prejudice. AA's are just as guilty of pushing our way of doing meetings on Natives as all white people have been about pushing the white way on Natives, in other words, AA is doing the same missionary and cultural change bullshit as everyone else.

My favorite quote from the speakers comes from a dear friend of mine who said "treatment centers are the appetizer, the program of recovery outlined in the Big Book and meetings are the main course."

Today the local Al-Anon's had a hot dog and ice cream social to celebrate 70 years of Al-Anon. It was nice to visit with people, some I haven't seen in a while. One was a lady I have been milling over trying to see if she wanted to spend some time with me, we talked and she told me to call her sometime and we would go do something. A friend of mine was the AA/NA speaker, on the outside she comes across as a tough nut but she broke down in tears a couple of times talking about her neglect of her daughters who she loves dearly, it was powerful and I could so relate. AA's tend to make jokes about Al-Anon, one of the speakers did this last Saturday, and I don't appreciate it. I have a lot of respect for anyone who has lived with a sick person and become sick themselves, granted part of their make up is co-dependency and people pleasing, just as we are obsessed with alcohol, these women and men have had to change their way of life just as much as we have. I think it is great when people start taking care of themselves, focusing on their own suffering and take action to become better humans, even if it doesn't always make other people happy. Emotional recovery is emotional recovery and I applaud anyone who is on this path. It is the Al-Anon's who have taught the AA/NA's about enabling and people pleasing, how we are just as guilty of kissing ass in a relationship at the expense of our own emotional well being in order to not rock the boat.

I am really starting to appreciate how getting fired from my last job was a good thing with positive outcomes. Mich could have survived the breakup with the boyfriend without me being only a couple of miles a way but it has brought us back together as a family. Carter is now a Papa's boy, the other day I walked into the house and Angel came running up to me as usual and Carter was right behind her crawling as fast as he could. Little toad is in the stage of messing with everything, I have finally surrendered keeping my CD's in alphabetical order because he just pulls them out again, we try and catch him before he goes for them but he moves very fast and you can't watch him 100% of the time. He understands the word "no" and is good about stopping what he is doing when you tell him "no" but like all toddlers he is persistent to play with things he isn't suppose to. Angel has just been potty trained and makes a point of announcing when she has used the potty. She has also proclaimed herself as my little helper, she helps me fill the bird feeders, tries to help me in the garden and grabs my tools and fixes things. If I was still living in North Platte working at the old job I would be missing out on these wonderful things and having Mich hang around the house because she enjoys the company of her old man, that and he has internet service and she doesn't.

I also realize I was neglecting my recovery some in North Platte. I wasn't into fellowship there and never found a home group. My job was 8-10 hours a day of working with mental illness and by the end of the day, I just wanted to spend some time alone. Spiritual practices keep me from picking up the first drink and also reasonably serene. Coming back here has brought the fellowship of other travels back into my life, the joy, laughter and heartache we share together. I am back to be committed to my Sunday morning home group, a place I belong with people who know me inside and out.

Doing manual labor again has also been good for me. At first it was the humbling experience of not being in management. Then it was the joy of realizing I don't have to worry about anyone but me, no emails to reply to, no one on one talks with employees about their performance, no issues with my honest appraisal of things being taken the wrong way; certain aspects of honesty are not appreciated by people who don't work the steps or live a spiritual life, duh. The heavy lifting has gotten easier, I surprise myself in being able lift, spin and lift again 45 pound parts for hours at a night. I am still looking for work in inventory control or basic purchasing but for now, I am alright with what I am doing.

Other than my garden doing really good in the pots, not much else, well there is but I won't bore you with it. I am grateful as always to be sober and enjoying life, for the people in my life and the experiences I have, experiences which allow for change and more awareness.

Hope all in enjoying the summer!!

Peace Love Light

Not Self

Hi all!! The photos are from Fort McPherson national cemetery. The top one is George, who was a much loved figure in AA and the bottom one is my dad's.

This isn't a post about the Buddhist concept of Not Self in a traditional way. I don't have enough experience or knowledge of the concept to really explain it. I focus on the concept on occasion but it isn't ingrained in my mindfulness quite yet.

When I think about the people in my life, I think about their influence. Their influence is a part of me. By them being a part of me, then there is no true or original me. Scott is a mixture of other people, some are ancestors I never met, others are the authors, artist and world figures who's lives and words have had an effect on me and then there are those I have had direct contact with, like George and my dad.

George was a character. He was an older bachelor, not the most hygienic person which was part who he was. Most people remember George for his grunting, he would grunt while talking. He was also a chain smoker, back when you could still smoke at meetings George usually had a cigarette lit. George was a chronic alcoholic, he was on of those guys in town who was hired for oddball jobs because during his active alcoholism he couldn't be counted on for long periods of time, unfortunately this stigma followed him in recovery, he didn't mind but others thought he got ripped off on occasion by locals hiring him to help roof a house or other things. George was old enough when he got sober, I seriously doubt he cared much about having a steady job, he enjoyed being able to go have coffee in the afternoons. George always took the time to greet people at meetings, especially new comers, always a friendly smile and a warm hand shake. He love the ladies and liked to tease them, he wasn't a perv, he was sweet and nice in his affection without being overbearing or dangerous. When I moved back to Nebraska in 1992, I use to go and have coffee with George and one armed Bill in the afternoons. George and Bill where a team, Bill use to get upset with George but loved him like a brother. These old boys would sit and tell stories of their lives, it was fascinating to listen to, my drinking career was nothing compared to theirs. Neither really talked the Big Book, although Bill was fairly intelligent, George not so much but they lived the Big Book. They know what it was like to hit rock hard bottom and find a new freedom and life. They really cared about others and showed it in the most basic way, by just talking and listening. George never talked bad about others even when the rest of us might be doing so, George would add comments about hopefulness towards the person. George left an imprint on my life and a lot of others, we talk about him lovingly now and then. I was back out when George died and along with my friend Burl, these are the 2 guys funerals I regret missing because I was drinking again. I know they would be happy for me now and understand I needed to go through what I did to get to where I am today. George's stone is a short distance from my dad's, so every time I visit dad's grave I visit George's, pour some coffee on it and leave a cigarette.

I have written a lot about my dad. Yesterday I visited the grave because I was in the area. I stopped poured some coffee, left some flowers and did a mediation of thanks and remembrance. My dad wasn't the best father, he was physically and emotionally abusive towards us growing up. When we got older I feel he was better equipped to deal with and relate to his kids. It was in these years I grew to know and love my dad. His imprint on me is in how I treat others and carry myself in public. My dad was a bit of a bigot and prejudice against those who where different but if those who were different showed him courtesy he would do the same in return. If a long haired biker or person of dark skin held the door open for him, he would thank them, same goes if they served him. He insisted we have good manners in public. He was born and raised for lack of a better word Hillbilly but he learned to rise above his hillbilly roots. He wanted to be on equal ground with everyone else and by showing good manners, people never know his background. Dad taught me about hard work, both in words and action. My job maybe very hard on my body some nights but I know I can deal with it and would never quit without a job lined up, this I owe to him. The same goes for doing work around my house or helping mom, he instilled in me my duty to keep my house and things I own in good repair if at all possible and to do it as soon as possible. He hated laziness and unfortunately my intolerance for laziness comes out too, one of those defects of character I have to always work on. My dad gave me my love of gardening and also I inherited a portion of his mechanical aptitude.

There are others who make up me also. My mom of course, hers is my gentleness and unfortunately a genetic trait for anxiety, her family has a long history of anxiety problems. Thankfully I have learned to use spirituality to keep anxiety in check and to move past it in as short as time as possible. Mom is also like dad when it comes to manners, respect and working hard. As for my siblings, if nothing else we have a history together and experience no one else would understand because they didn't live in our house with our parents.

This morning at my home group the matriarch of the group Connie, celebrated 35 years sobriety. She has played a big part in my recovery since my return. She sponsors a lot of women in the area, solid women sponsors are limited in this part of the state. She also indirectly sponsors others like me. She is one of my "go to" people, when something is going on in my life I talk to her after the meeting just to get her thoughts. Connie understands and accepts my approach to spirituality. She is one of the few old timers in the area who allow the non-Christian AA's to follow their our own path without interjecting the God of Their understanding. There has been many a time when I have been frustrated with the Christian undertones of old members at meetings, when I have felt alone and isolated from my fellow members. Connie has given me the assuring love I have needed to keep going back, reminding me of traditions and my responsibly to the newcomer. Connie shares about living the steps, not just working them. She shares about the mistakes she still makes after all these years sober. We had a couple of newer members at the meeting this morning, the general consistence shared by all and by Connie was, you get 35 years of sobriety by living sober one day at a time. She made the point of telling the guy with only a few weeks that the one thing we all had in common was we were sober "today". There is no me because Connie is in my life.

There have been many George, Burl and Connie's in my 13 years in AA, 9 years first time around and over 4 this time. All of these people are a part of me. I have also known people in recovery whose way of staying sober I didn't or don't want any part of, they are a part of me also. I have seen people die from active alcoholism and addiction, they are in me. I have seen people die sober and at peace with the world, these are some of my heroes.

My heroes are a part of me. John Lennon, more for the honest way he lived his life and owned his mistakes more so than the great music he gave us. Gandhi, Eleanor Roosevelt, Dr. King, Mandela and numerous other voices who stood up for social injustice. Dylan because he taught me about words, word play and poetry. Jackson Browne's music has touched every part of my soul, Jackson is my musical go to person. Music is a big part of me, I don't need an iPod, I have thousands of songs by hundreds of artist in my head. There is no Scott.

The Buddha and Jesus are a huge part of me. Their teachings have become the foundation of my spirituality. There are parts of Native American spirituality, Taoism and Paganism within also but the foundation is cemented in the teachings of Buddha and Jesus. I may not be a Christian but my Christian upbring and knowledge of the teachings of Jesus both biblical and gnostic effect how I treat others and how I live my life. The Buddha has shown me a spiritual path to live by. Through the words of the Buddhist Thich Nhat Hahn and the Dalai Lama, 2 other heroes, I have been given a guideline to living a peaceful life, a way to understand suffering and how to see it for what it is. A way to readjust my briefs when they get all in a knot.

Bill W. and Dr. Bob are a big part of me. Bill was a great writer and able to put down in words all which AA is for the most part. Dr. Bob was the simple realist right up to his death. Bill and Dr. Bob where the Yin and Yang of AA and divine intervention put them together for us. All the good old timers, I am grateful they paved the way so I can reap the benefits of recovery today.

So if my ego gets caught up in the big ME trap all I have to do is think about all the people who have shape what I am. What ever God there is has a big part in this too, just realized I forgot to mention the concept. There is no me, no self. I am made up of others. I also share the earth with all living beings, it isn't here just for me, we share it together and we need to steward it together. We are interdependent beings, we all depend on each other to make the world we live in a beautiful place to live. I may not be able to stop violence and pollution outside of the area of the world in which I live in but I can do my part right here right now, I can make this a beautiful and safe place for you to visit if you ever come my way.

One last thought in reflection. Just as all these people have touched my life, I have also touched peoples lives. I feel I am spiritually responsible to touch peoples lives in a positive way. If I can't always show compassion at least I should do no harm.

Well I need to get busy in the shed. I brought back more stuff from mom's old house yesterday and just throw it in the shed, now I need to put it on shelves and organize it. I also brought back all my firewood, so I have it to stack up.

I hope everyone is doing well!!!

Peace Love and Light

Scott, who ever he is or isn't ;-)

Being Dad

Hi all and hope spring is treating you well. I have all my plants planted and in their pots, waiting for the ground to warm up enough for the bulbs to grow, weather has been a teeter totter here.

This is about my daughter Mich and me. Many know during my drinking daze I was neglectful towards Mich. I didn't look after her needs emotionally or financially. I compensated my shame of drinking too much by allowing her to run wild, she was drinking and hanging out with older kids when she was 13. By the time she was 15 she was very resentful towards me; too many broken promises, embarrassment at having the cops show up at our house to take dad away in handcuffs, a rather dirty house house much in need of repair. My recovery started the road to healing but not before her actions as a result of my drunken parenting did its damage. By 16 she was in a girls home for being an uncontrollable youth; 2 Minor in possession of alcohol convictions, public assault, drunk in public, plus guilt by association with a bad crowd which the judge wanted to distance her from. By 16 she was pregnant, barely 17 when Angel was born, ward of the state of Nebraska almost to her 18th birthday. Yet she managed to graduate high school as a teen mother. Once sober I have supported her the best I could, sometimes to the point of serious enabling. When I moved away, my enabling lessened which was good for both of us. She is a very level headed young woman for the most part and a very good young mother, she still drinks on occasion but from what I can tell it isn't out of hand, she also has friends in recovery whom she turns to when she needs grounded advice.

Mothers Day was the shits for her! Her boyfriend, father of Carter baby number 2, who lives with her proved once again how immature and selfish he is. Detail, I dislike the kid because he is lazy, can't or won't find a job, spends huge amounts of time playing the Magic card game with buddies, smokes pot and drinks. If he worked to provide for them and smoked pot and drank, I would be more forgiving. To his credit he is good with the kids. So on Mothers day I am outside doing landscaping and here comes Mich with the kids in the stroller, she had walked 4 miles to my house because BF took her car; the car they drive is hers and I pay the insurance, if it wasn't for the kids I would make them go car less. They had a fight because he made plans to spend all day with his mother, not setting aside any time for the mother of his son, Mich also wanted to visit her Grandma for Mothers day. He took off with the car while she was in the shower, leaving her with a dead cell phone on top of things. Mich has had a hard time with Mothers day in the past because of her mothers death, now with kids of her own, the day once again is special. I was pissed at him needless to say at his immaturity to not realize once you have kids Mothers Day is about the mother of your kids and not about your mommy. I could have sent the cops after him for stealing the car but know deep down inside revenge is not the answer, doing the right thing sucks sometimes! In the end, Mich and kids spent day with me and I took them and my mother out to supper.

Last Saturday morning I get woke up by the dog barking a wake up enough; it was 10:30am and I had worked the night before not getting to bed until 5:00am. It was Mich, I had locked the dead bolt so she couldn't let herself in with her house key. She had checked BF's cell phone from the night before, he had been out very late playing Magic, on the cell phone where text messages from a girl, there was a lot of flirting and talk of hooking up. Mich was pretty upset needless to say, she was also tired and a bit hung over from drinking with her neighbors. So after both of us cleaned up and when grandpa had his coffee level replenished, we took a drive to a bigger town to do some shopping. I wanted to go to a discount store which we don't have locally to check on yard decorations. I didn't find anything special at the store for me but bought toys, books and clothes for kids. We also went to the big dollar store, one of those where everything is $1.00, Mich bought a bunch of basics. We went out to eat and they stayed at my house until late Saturday evening. Sunday Mich and the kids where here once again, she was basically avoiding BF and trying to work things out in her head, she did go and visit a good recovery friend of hers. Mich has been in and out of meetings for a few years, she misses the bond with recovery people but all her playmates drink so she hasn't chosen to change her environment, plus BF drinks and doesn't like her going to meetings.

Monday morning she her and the kids where here once again, she was in tears. She said she broke up with BF and was worried about his actions. I reassured her we can handle anything he throws at us, which would include trying to get custody of Carter. She said she has done a lot of reflecting the last week and realizes this is not the life she wants for herself or her kids. Part of it is no financial security, always behind on bills, borrowing money for diapers, or anything else. She is tried of his laziness, the fact that he said she needs a new battery for the car when in fact dad just cleaned the terminals, lot of built up corrosion on the positive post and the battery was fine added to this. She was tired of the manipulation, he always twist things to make it seem like all their problems are her fault. He never wants to do anything with her family or friends, it is all about his family, they are very close and controlling, sickly so. She has friends who are in good relationships and she wants the same. She wants a healthy relationship, one based on mutual respect, sharing of responsibilities plus security for herself and the kids. I hope she sticks to her guns because this is what I want for her too, what parent wouldn't. She would like to get a job but can't trust him to watch the kids, state won't pay for daycare with him living there and out of work.

Tuesday she is over and this time she tells me she freaked out on him Monday night and beat the crap out of him with a tikki torch and kicked him out of the apartment, he called her some pretty rude things. She was scared he would retaliate so she stopped by the cop shop to find out about a restraining order. This has set the ball in motion for her to by charged with assaulting him since she admitted she beating him up and his mom took pictures. Long story short he got his stuff without any problems. Kind of a messy deal now though. What she did was wrong but I feel she just has so much penned up anger she exploded and lost control. She will have to report to jail in a day or so, from there a court date will be set. The cop she talked to said if she reports early enough she should be able to see the judge, post bond and not spend any time in jail right away. She will opt for a Public Defender who hopefully keeps her out of doing much if any jail time, if he explains to the judge the emotional mess she was in. I am not against her going to jail but for selfish reason her going to jail would create problems finding someone to watch the kids.

What has happened over the last few days, months and years between Mich and me is a direct result of me being sober, living the steps and connecting with a spiritual way of life. There are no strings attached to my actions. I try to be here for her and she honestly appreciates what I do for her. Moving back here has given her a place to go when she is down, a safe and serene place. It is like when the chips are down dad is here for her. My being here for her is the best thing I can do. I can't fix the situation. Like a friend says, we have to allow others to experience what they must for their growth. She has to experience every bit of her pain and feel the fear, then and only then is there a chance for her to change. It has taken every experience I have had to make me the dad and grandpa I am now. Every experience has molded my recovery and spiritual life, the good and the bad. I am blessed and grateful we weathered the storm of drinking years and now have the healthy loving relationship we do. I know a lot of people in recovery who's kids are still angry at them or just have a casual relationship with them, they are sad about this and also powerless over changing their kids, sometimes living amends don't work out the way we want them to.

This afternoon I had a BBQ, Mich and the kids where here. We all had a good time and good fellowship. There was a lot of talk about Soberfloat, Soberfloat is when a bunch of recovery people get together for the weekend, camp out and spend the better part of the day tubing or canoeing the biggest river in Nebraska, there is one big potluck all weekend and meetings, big bonfire meeting Saturday night which last until everyone has has a chance to share. This year will be the third one they have had, 3 of us, myself included, have been to the last 2 and are going again. A buddy and I are doing what we can to make sure anyone who wants to go gets to go, we can't foot the $25.00 for the float but we will work out transportation, sleeping arrangements and food, the event is 3-1/2 drive northwest of us. We do it because we love the event and because it is what Dr. Bob would have wanted us to do. Maybe we can't teach someone how to enjoy living sober but if people hang out with us we can show them how to.

Oh yeah and this is cool. We were jamming to Led Zep on the way to G.I. she told me she never realized how great they were! Plus she has started borrowing my Blues c.d.'s. She has listened to this music most of her life and is now maturing enough to appreciate it, instead of it being the old man's music. Hopefully a friend of mine will receive the same warm fuzzy when her kids start enjoying White Stripes and Tool:-)

Well friends this is my tale of late. Work is going alright, I am accepting the things I can't change and keeping do the footwork the things I can. Mom is getting settled into her apartment and really liking it. My aunt, her youngest sister, has really helped her and I think enjoys mom being back in town.

Peace Love and Prayers to all!!!

Not Celebrating

‎"I will mourn the loss of thousands of precious lives, but I will not rejoice in the death of one, not even an enemy. Returning hate for hate multiplies hate, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate, only love can do that." ~ Martin Luther King Jr

I for one am not celebrating in the death of Bin Laden. I am not really sure I am glad he is dead, not glad about the way he died. Yes he was a murderous evil man and caused the deaths of thousand, non-Muslims and Muslims, he was the one who is responsible for the horror of 9/11, a tragic day burned into my memory. I have a spiritual belief which deep down inside says killing is wrong even the killing of ones enemies.

Are we justified in our blood lust dance? Does our blood lust differ from his and his followers? Do we have the right to think we are superior or our cause is superior? I personally don't think so. For one thing all living organisms are intertwined, we all require the same air, water and earth for survival. I am the same as you, as the flower, the fish, the bird etc. For another, who I am I to play God or Divine what ever? Do I have the right to say and know who has the right to live and the right to die. There are people in the world who would say I should die or be imprisoned for my beliefs, hell there are people in this country who would imprison or censor me for my beliefs. I can't justify the being happy about the killing of another just because I perceive them to be spiritually or socially inferior to myself or my country.

Bin Laden's death will not stop the killings, it will not end the war on terrorist. No many more innocent people will die. Many more American service men and women will die. As a veteran, who served 20 years, my heart goes out to my brothers and sisters in arms. I never wanted to see them experience the horrors of war to begin with and still want them safe at home ASAP. Some how some way, the world needs to address the underlying cause for all the hatred, hatred which has lead to the senseless killings. The world has been at war since the dawn of time, war is the one thing our heightened intelligence has failed to eradicate.

As I have grown in my spiritual practices, I am more aware of how my own ignorance and prejudices shaped the big ME of self. Bit by bit I chisel away at the views which keep me from showing true compassion and loving kindness. I do my best not to sit in judgement of others, I am not God. I am a simple being among other beings, other living organisms. People laugh at me because I don't kill insects for no reason, granted the mosquito sucking my blood is a goner and an over abundance of flies in the house fall to a swatter but I do my best to leave them alone, we have repellents for such pest. I have a fondness for spiders because they are natures own controllers of obnoxious pest. When I look deeply at the interdependence of all living things, I try and see how we can coexist with each other. When I pull a weed from my garden, the weed decomposes and returns as food for the grass where I throw it. What I am fumbling to say is; I am learning to cherish all life. Yes I still eat meat so I have not given up my selfishness on this, nor have I stopped smoking another act of selfishness.

From the recovery side of justifying the celebration of the death of an enemy I reflect on what the Big Book says about resentments. " It is plain that a life which includes deep resentment leads only to futility and unhappiness. To the precise extent that we permit these, do we squander the hours that might have been worth while. But with the alcoholic, whose hope is the maintenance and growth of a spiritual experience, this business of resentment is infinitely grave. We found that it is fatal. For when harboring such feelings we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the Spirit. The insanity of alcohol returns and we drink again. And with us, to drink is to die.

If we were to live, we had to be free of anger. The grouch and the brainstorm were not for us. They may be the dubious luxury of normal men, but for alcoholics these things are poison."

I can't pick and choose who deserves my anger and who doesn't. A resentment is a resentment, whether it is against a murder, my sister or my neighbor. If my spirit is darkened by resentments then I am blocking out the sunlight of the spirit, sunlight which can be used to benefit others. Could my anger at a world figure cause me not to smile at the sad cashier or the person I encounter who is having a rough day and really could use a friend smile and greeting from a stranger? I believe it can. If my eyes are the window to my soul, shouldn't I do my best to make my soul shine from them, to use spiritual tools to wipe away the grime and smugs of anger and resentment.

I am saddened by all the hoopla and celebration of Bin Laden's death. I read post on Facebook by friends in recovery and people who regularly post pro-religious messages and wonder what part of the message of spiritual living are they missing. I know this is judgmental of me. I am saddened by most of the news articles also. A few of the 9/11 families have written post saying they are not happy about the hoopla either, that an eye for an eye will not bring back their loved ones and are sadden the death of their loved ones has brought only more death and destruction. I am saddened by the message we are sending out to our youth. How can we create a future of peace with more violence? We can't teach love and hatred at the same time, it has to be one or the other. What would Jesus, Buddha, Saint Francis think about all of this? I think I know what Gandhi and John Lennon would be saying, Dr. King is quoted above so there is no speculation about him.

I wish I had some answers for the troubles of the world but I don't. I am not perfect either. I do what I can to humbly voice my simple opinion on issues which trouble my heart and I don't expect agreement. This celebration will pass, like everything else it is impermanent. We will all find another issue to obsess about soon, maybe Lindsey Lohan, Donald Trump or Charlie Sheen will do some more stupid shit to divert our attention away from the reality of world suffering.

Thanks for allowing me to express myself. I wrote this because writing this stuff out brings me a bit more peace.

My prayers to out to all who are suffering tonight. To a special blogger friend who has found it necessary to end her blog, she will be missed but knows she is loved my many.

Namaste

Scott

Channeling Gratitude

O.k. so may serenity has been on a roller coaster ride this week. The 1o hour days, 6 days a week work gig is messing with some serious ME time. I have been doing training with the machine operators on day shift, they are the pro's, so I have been going to work at 1:00pm to learn stuff from them the guy who trained me doesn't know, get off at 11:30pm. It must be psychological but for some reason working this shift is harder on me than the 4:30pm to 3:00am shift. I get up at 10am but lack energy and it seems before I know it I have to head to work again, no time to go over to mom's or anything, I am going to bed around 1:30am. With the other shift, I go to bed around 4:30am and am up by noon most days, which gives me a bit of time to do errands. For what ever reason, this different work schedule is kicking my butt.

I still have stuff to do in North Platte at mom's house; get stuff from the shed moved down here, odd ball yard work, want to stain the front deck, move rocks. I have some shuffling of stuff to do in my own shed also to make room for the stuff from mom's, garden to work on, spend time with dog. I haven't spent much time with Angel, Mich or Carter in 2 weeks either. So it would be nice to have a Saturday off, but from the sounds of things this isn't going to happen until maybe, just maybe Memorial day weekend. So yeah I have I am kind of bummed about the lack of me time.

There were a couple of times this week when I was actually pissed off about the whole no time on weekend thing. I would look at the work to do, which wasn't much because we are staying ahead and wonder why in the hell are we working weekends? Big picture is, there are quite a few customer orders on the books and they don't want to get behind on them, the rational side of my understands this, the selfish side is giving them the middle finger.

The last few chapters in the book I am reading have been about focusing on impermanence, seeing our frustrations for what they are and moving on, focusing on the moment at hand and staying out of the future. If you have ever read anything by Thich Nhat Hanh you know he puts a lot of emphasis on breathing and being our minds back to this moment, smiling and finding the inter peace within. The readings have given me the reminders I have needed to practice awareness, awareness needed to keep the frustration and anger from getting out of hand, they only ruin a few minutes off and on of the day and not the whole day. So the real perspective and gratitude is;

• I will get a chance to move my stuff down, the house just went on the market.
• After my morning meeting tomorrow, Sunday, I am picking up Angel and she can hang out with me, whether it is going shopping, going to mom's, working around the house. The main thing is we will be spending time together.
• Next Sunday after the meeting I will head to North Platte, to mow, load up the vehicle and do what I can.
• I can alternated my Sundays between Kearney and North Platte.
• I will be back working 4:30pm to 3:00am in another week.
• Prior to March 14th I didn't have a job, thus no income and was borrowing money to keep my bills paid.
• I need to allow myself time to rest, important, I shouldn't beat myself up by not getting everything done at once, I am the only one applying pressure on me.
• I have sent 2 resumes out, so still doing footwork on finding a job which will stabilize my hours.
• I am not money hungry, a lot of people stress and suffer over the want of making big bucks, I am at peace making enough to live on plus a tad extra for some wants, like a new cd, camping gear, stuff for the kids or Mich.
• The dog is happy to spend the time we have together, the extra is a bonus, plus I am more prone to taking her with me in the car now just so she is getting her share of daddy time.
• Through all this, I have not craved a drink nor played around with a notion of one. It is awesome to want a cold bottle of water or root beer when I get home from work.
• I am close to mom and the kids, both are within minutes drive time.
• My home group is on Sunday mornings, so I am not substituting another meeting for it.
• I am healthy, have my sore wrist and shoulder but nothing major.
• My bills are paid.
• My family is healthy.
• I have 2 vehicles so if one is down, like my Honda is now, I have a back up until I can get the time to repair the other.
• I am back living in the community of my choice, place where I feel most at home.
• I have worked long hours and long weeks before, they didn't kill me then and won't now.
• Getting fired was a blessing in disguise, I know this now. So even when things happen in my life I am not happy about I know sometimes good comes out of it.
• Through struggle, I pay closer attention to awareness and the practice of acceptance. I am put in a situation of really applying spiritual principles to my daily life. I look deeper at the suffering, note the causes and use the tools to bring myself back to the middle path, sometimes quickly sometimes a bit slower.
• Misery is optional, I make an effort to not stay miserable.
• My life is wonderful, may not be the way I want it to be but it could be a damn sight worse. All I have to do is look around me with open eyes; tornadoes, flooding, unemployment, over stretched budgets, people placing the material ahead of the spiritual, active alcoholism and addiction, disease, death and suffering in many forms.
• I am grateful for my blogger friends, your post help my unwind at night when I get home.
• Grateful I have friends today, I no longer isolate myself from the world.

Well I need to put on my Frankenstein boots, steel toes, and get ready for work.

Peace Love and Light

Scott