Common Demoninator Hope

Hey all, after a much needed sleep I am able to think clear enough to write, went to bed at 9:30pm and woke up at 9:45am. Friday night I got off work at midnight, laid down around 2am and was back up at 5:15am so I could be on the road at 6:15am, the joys of working 2nd shift. Thanks to coffee and good conversations I was alert all day Saturday but crashed by 10 and up again at 6.

What this all pertains to is I had my first state AA area meeting as the district chairman for the Kearney area AA, location was in a town 2 hours east of here. I took J with me, J has 14 years sobriety and started going to area meetings about a year ago. J also has a learning disability coupled with brain damage from drug and alcohol use, he lacks listening skills which effect his comprehension which can make him rather annoying because he rambles on without hearing what you are saying sometimes. He reminds me of my elderly mother in ways, you think he understands what you have said and then later talks about the same thing forgetting what you said the first time, I must admit it is challenging being with him for any length of time.

J had called me earlier in the week to see if he could ride with me to the meeting, though he wasn't a choice for a traveling companion I said yes because well it is what we do, we help those who ask and be damn with our opinions of the person. He also stayed in my room because he had a conflict with the guy he was going to stay with. J insisted he pay for 1/2 of the room, the other guys room was paid for by the area because he holds an area chair position, the guy was adamant J not pay and J was adamant he would. I had the same conflict, my room was paid for by the district, J and I share a sponsor, I talked to our sponsor about the conflict, my thought was to let J pay his share and use the money for some Grapevine books for the district. Our sponsor said he is the one who insisted J pay his way because J is a bit of a freeloader and doesn't think things out, he will do stuff and expect others to help him out, my sponsor told me to just give the money J gave me back to the district treasurer saying someone stayed in the room and paid half. So a solution was found without conflict, J was responsible and the district isn't footing the bill.

Spending as much time as a did with J was a lesson in patience and mindfulness. The lesson wasn't overly hard, over time I have become more patient with others, allowing them to be who they are. When I did start picking at his character defects I reminded myself of his mental illness and also about how we are all one; we are one in recovery and dependent on the same elements for existence, we all have our baggage and who I am to criticize his. I hang out with a lot of people with baggage, we are good friends because we accept each others baggage, yet can reject others whose baggage we dislike which is really stupid and hypocritical. I don't go out looking for spiritual growth, spiritual growth finds me and spending weekends with people like J are part of it.

First off it was really good to see old friends at area, the warm welcome hand shakes, hugs and smiles, the mutual warmth of being at area and being of service. I am assigned to the Treatment Center committee, a committee I was only vaguely familiar with. I didn't know the committee chair nor anyone on the committee. The chair briefly outlined what the committee was doing last cycle and wished to continue down this avenue which was agreed upon. We all easily fell into a discussions about improving the website by listing all treatment centers in Nebraska with contact information, also on the website we would like to list all district DCM's and alternates as a means of contact for those getting out of treatment and returning to their local areas, something which is doable with coordination from webmaster and state chairperson. Next we discussed having workshops, last year workshops were held in Omaha and Lincoln, the chair wanted to have workshops in central and western Nebraska. It was agreed upon to have a workshop here in Kearney in May, Kearney is centrally located and easily accessible. With a new homeless shelter coming to Kearney the timing of the workshop is ideal, the homeless shelter will have a program to assist people recover from alcoholism and addiction, though it is faith based we can still support them within the guidelines of the traditions, support not affiliation, with the understanding AA is not faith based. The shelter is run by an organization who has shelters in other parts of the state, they have worked with AA before so this shouldn't be a conflict. We will also have a workshop on the western border of the state, an area which is often over looked due to distance from the most populated areas of the state, eastern and central.

At break I talked to a woman who I have only visited with a couple times in the past, it was one of those odd chance meetings in the hallway. She is on the Corrections committee, jails and prisons, her town 1-1/2 hours from Kearney is having a workshop in Feb on Corrections. She talked about her challenges with the women's prison which are similar to our challenges with the county jail. There was a mutual relief knowing we were both facing similar challenges, acquaintance was turned into friendship via this conversation. Myself and a couple of others from our district will go to her workshop, 1 to support her and 2 to gather any knowledge we can on possibly improving our jail meetings and support for them from members and county officials. I will be in contact this week with our district Corrections chair to fill her in on the conversation, she has been a little frustrated as of late so needs some rays of hope shined on her.

Other than seeing old friends at area meetings the really great thing is meeting those new to service work. I visited with few, most were surprised to find the area meetings were not about politics, general prejudice found in meetings, and were really about how we can better carry the message to the still suffering alcoholic. Sure we talk about finances, any organization has concerns over making the best use of the money available and how to limit spending, we on occasion talk about the wording of certain bits of literature pertaining to structure but over all it is about carrying the message. We have a committee on carrying the message to professionals which in turn assist them in dealing with alcoholics and their victims, increasing their knowledge of alcoholism and AA. We have committee's on literature and the AA magazine the Grapevine who also publishes some great books, both carry the message to those in and out of our rooms. We have a committee on public relationships, carrying the message to the general public, a lot of this is just making sure there is easy knowledge and access to meeting information. We have a special needs committee, something newly formed, to insure people with special needs have access to meeting, I will be working on update our meeting information so people know which meetings are handicap accessible. I have already mentioned corrections and treatment so won't go there again. I would stay 95% of the districts in the state were present, each gave a report letting the general assembly know what was going on in their districts. The benefit for me is knowing what is going on in neighboring districts so we can support them if possible and also connect with their representative's to possibly develop a rapport of mutual support and combine resources for events for future events if the opportunity arises. The representative for the Spanish speaking district found me yesterday, the district covers the whole state, he said he wants to start a meeting in Kearney and asked for assistance, he said he has people willing to get involved and taking advantage of the motivation while it last and hopes to see his district grow, I will do my best help him get a meeting going. .

We heard different people speak this weekend. I have listened to a lot of people speak over the years, both in my past life in recovery and this new one. It is very rarely that hope isn't the underlying message of speakers. Hope there is life without alcohol, hope in how we change our lookout on life and in turn change ourselves. Hope that in periods of darkness there is light. Hope that even when we fall into a recovery rut, if we are willing and seek help we climb out of the rut and better people for doing so. Hope came for me in both new beings by knowing I wasn't alone, others did the same shitty insane stuff I did, felt the same feelings and had the same struggles. Hope is smiles, hand shakes, warm hugs, laughter, a gentle ear listening to what you are saying, giving you feedback even if it hurts a bit sometimes. Hope is knowing things will get better, even if they get worse first, provided we do some footwork to assist ourselves. Hope is a common denominator when anytime we get together with other people going through the same struggles we have and seeking the same solutions. Hope can be found in recovery meeting rooms, therapy groups, places of religious gathers, blogs and anywhere people reach out to one another in love and unity saying " I care, I have been there, I still go there and you are not alone". I see hope in the faces of people who have been in recovery for years and in the faces of those whose feet are new on the path. I also see hope as something we need to give each other, to learn to step out of our selfish enclosure, to be mindful our actions, don't listen to what I say, watch what I do. I am not anywhere near perfect at giving others hope or getting rid of self, but it has become more of an unconscious way of living than a conscience way, it happens now more without thought than it use to. The thing is I try to do my best to practice loving kindness and compassion each day, some days are good, some days are bad and some day are neutral, because life just is.

We this has been a long ramble, if you have made it this far cheers to you. I need to get myself showered then go get a haircut, which is odd for me because I never use to consider getting it trim when it was already short. I have an lunch interview Wednesday for a purchasing job, figured I need a trim to look as good as possible, will take the little silver loop out of my ear also:) I am trying my best not to focus too much on getting or not getting this job, what they are looking for and my background are a good fit but I have thought this before and not landed the job, the best I can do is be myself and share my knowledge, the rest is up whatever it is up to.

Peace Love Light
Scott

It's Hot, It's Cold, It's Life

Hello fellow travelers.

We have had usually high temperatures here for January, Thursday was in the low 60's and most of the week 50's. Yesterday and today are back in the 30's which is still warm for January in Nebraska. On one side of the coin is the knowledge we will get hit with some bad weather before summer comes on the other side is as each day passes it is one day closer to sandal season. I enjoy winter now, wasn't always the case, my eyes are open to the beauty of a world at sleep and resting. Having said this I am still a lover of warmer weather and less is better when it comes to clothing.

As most of you know Carter turned 2 on Tuesday. I reflect back on the phone call about his birth at 1lb 10oz, the 2 hour drive to get to the hospital. I remember how I put his and Mich's life in the hands of something more powerful than me and how fairly calm I was on the drive to see them. His birth was probably the most traumatic event of my life, my dad's failing health made his death less traumatic, I was aware of how little power I had over anything and was at peace with the powerlessness of it all. I maintained the same sense of peace over powerlessness during his months in the hospital and various surgeries. He is now 2, he is a wonderful little boy, he is content most of the time, happy and sweet. It is a really joy to watch him grow, to watch his personality develop, his impatience for food, how easily his feelings get hurt when he is scolded. I love the bond which has developed since I moved back to Kearney, how he runs up to me when are united, wanting to be picked up and hug just for a few seconds. He is still my little miracle boy and I am blessed to have him in my life.

This brings up another thing, how I am extremely protective of my grand babies and Mich. While writing the above paragraph I remember the how Angel and Mich were treated by Carter's dad and grandparents, how Angel was put in CPS for alleged abuse and how because I didn't live close enough she had to go into foster care instead of live with me. I remember and am reliving the pain of it all. I had bits and peace of inter peace back then, thanks to friends in recovery and Lady B. On Tuesday Carter's dad wouldn't take time to spend more than an hour with his miracle son, he is doing a type of pyramid program selling airfare and hotels, one where he tries to recruit others, does presentations to others all the time and has big plans for making it big. His reason for not doing anything for Carter on his birthday was he had a presentation to give and his success with the presentations would make all of them rich and happy down the road, so he was doing the presentation instead of the birthday because in the long run the presentation was more beneficial to Carter. This of course pissed me off but after some quiet reflection I came to accept it for what it was and him for being the way he is, still don't have much like for the kid but I accept him, his life is also in the hands of something much bigger than me. Mich for now has decided she has had enough of giving him chances to change and him failing to do so, hope she sticks to it this time but I am powerless over her life as well.

Don't know about anyone else but I can find calm it hellish storms yet heavy gust can throw me off balance. Over time I am getting better at staying on the path during all kinds weather. I get these reminders every so often of how important acceptance is in order to maintain inter peace, to see the suffering and use the tools to accept it.

Thursday I clicked on the state's website for job postings and saw a posting for a purchasing agent which was newly posted, I contacted the employment agency who are doing the referral, updated my profile plus added additional information about my experiences in purchasing since 1994, so the footwork is done now I just wait and see. At least I am comfortable in my current job and have accepted it, don't want to be there any longer than I have to but what that length of time is I have no idea.

Held my first district meeting as DCM yesterday and it went really well. The 3 open chair positions were filled. As a group we found some solutions to a few problems we were having with the county jail. Also got some support for the spring event J and I have talked about. J came up with the idea of creating a district activities chair person, so we will bring this up at our next meeting. The district has too much money in the bank and we need to find a way to use it for the benefit of local members. We have a new homeless shelter opening soon, the group all agreed to reach out to them and see what kind of support the district can offer. Part of the what the shelter does is help people with recovery.

Another cool thing which happened was the secretary called me today for last names, I hadn't looked at the sign in sheet since I know everyone I thought. I looked at the sign in sheet and the last name of a new member rang a bell, same name as a guy I went to school with, well of course I had to call and find out and sure enough it was him. He said he thought I was the same Scott W he knew from school but wasn't 100% sure. I apologized for not recognizing him but it has been 30 years, both of us have facial hair and his head is shaved, plus he was an loud bully of kid in school and is now a humble soft spoken man. We talked for a just a couple of minutes, said we would get together in the future to catch up and get to know the sober men we have become.

Just for laughs, I rearranged my living room, my mom bought herself a couple of new chairs, she gave me her glide rocker. I moved stuff around to make room for it but not certain it will stay this way. I don't or didn't have an arm chair, sit on my couch and there is a kind of love seat thing for company. Humor is I am a creature of habit and not sure I like the change even though the glide rocker is comfortable to sit in. A good friend of mine of from my first time around the rooms told me alkies are creatures of routine, are drinking patterns were very routine, well most of us, so we get to be the same way in recovery. I have been to meetings were the room arrangement has been changed and listen to the complaints and I know for myself certain aspects of throw me for a loop; what to you mean the new hotel hosting area meetings is charging for coffee, hey how come they didn't read How it Works or start the meeting with the Serenity prayer, things at work or other basic routines.

I didn't have the kids last weekend but do today, so it is time to make meatloaf and get it cooking and while I have the oven on might as well make brownies for Carter and papa, Angel doesn't love brownies the way papa and little brother do.

Hang in there my friends, sending love, prayers and positive energy your way!!

Peace Love Light
Scott

Night of Newerbies

Hi all and hope you had a good new years eve, whether it was hanging out with friends or chilling in your home with a movie, or maybe you just said F it and crashed early.

The potluck was good, lots of yummy food. The Alanon speaker did a good job, her talk was short but interesting and she had some positive things to say. Brian did a good job also, provided some humor and good reflections. I sat with a couple of older guys, one of them talked about the icy storms of the 50's and life on the farm, something I always find interesting.

My friends Jeremy, Wendy and I put the word out we were going to the dance in GI, town 45 miles east. A couple of guys ho hummed about going and we basically said BS you are going. One of the guys was Francis, Francis is the guy who went to Sober Float on his own and ended up floating with us and having a great time, he also came out to one of our camp outs. Francis has about 18 months sobriety, I think he likes to hangout with recovery people but is too shy to ask about tagging along, so we tend to rather grab him when we get the chance and say you are coming. The other guy Scott, has been in and out for years, he admitted he had been isolating lately so once again we rather twisted his arm into coming. A few others went down in their own cars. Like all AA road trips there was good conversation on the way down and back, a lot of it was just about enjoying life sober and clean and some talked about how in the past we were too messed up to do this or that.

When we got to the dance we connected with some more people from Kearney. It was nice for me since my work schedule doesn't allow me to see many people that often. Brett and Jamie were there with their sweet little 4 month old baby boy. Brett camped out with us last summer and Jamie who was close to popping at the time had come out to the camp-out for supper and bonfire meeting. I talked to Brett about Sober Float, he was concerned about having enough money, told him it wouldn't cost much because they could ride with one of us and there was always plenty to eat and for the most part we just brought what we could afford, plus Jeremy and I always bring a bit too much. So hopefully they we be with us for the float this year, they are a really nice couple of young people in recovery, they have that special light in their eyes which tells me they are living recovery.

A young guy from Kearney is in the treatment center in GI, he is getting out Thursday, a few of the guys spent time talking to him, trying to strength the seedling of his recovery, telling him they will get him to meetings.

 The hall was filled with young people from GI, Kearney and a surrounding towns, I would guess that 75% of the people were under 40. This in itself made the trip worth it for me. I had some great belly laughs watching some of the kids dance, especially doing the crotch thrust thing, they were doing it for laughs too, mimicking current artist dance moves, everybody was cracking up. I went outside  a few times for a smoke and to give my head a break from the hip hop dance music but wasn't disapproving of the music it because the people were dancing and having a good time. Yes I would have enjoy the background music more if would have been Skynard, Seger, Metalica, Human League, or anything from the 60's, 70's, 80's or grunge 90's but it wasn't about me. I remember going on deployments and going to clubs, getting drunk and really pissed about the music, bitching the whole time about the lack of good Southern Rock, Progressive Rock or early Metal, it was all about my taste in music and screw the fact this kind of music isn't really danceable. I remember leaving a club in Germany and wondering around, drunk out of my mind, some how the Divine managed to get me back to my friends and to the dorm safely because I was in a totally unfamiliar town and didn't speak the language. Once again sobriety changed my perspective and I choose to enjoy the night instead of focusing on the things I didn't like.

 Jeremy and I are kicking around the idea of having some kind of social event in late March or April, kind of a beat the winter blues thing. Our idea is rent some rooms at a local motel out of our pockets, maybe one with pool side rooms, have hospitality rooms were people could mingle, plus they could enjoy the pool and hot tube. We thought it we did it this year out of pocket and the results were positive then maybe next year some of the local groups would spring for rooms and we could turn it into a district event. We have a district meeting next Saturday and I am going to bring the idea up to the group representatives and district chair people to see what they think. We have a lot of events in the summer, both AA and NA but nothing in the spring when people really start to get cabin fever. I ran my idea by a service buddy from GI last night and he told me to keep him posted and he would try to drum up support for us if we got something going.

Everyone had a good time at the dance, visited with people, catching up with some and building new bonds with others. I met one guy I was in treatment with, he has stayed sober the whole time too, we were really glad to see each other and a bit sad others weren't there. Ran into a guy I know from out patient treatment, I was aware he had gone back out, he said he had receive his 3rd DUI and was back in and wanted to stay sober this time. He took my phone number, so maybe he will give me a call sometime, the willingness is up to him.

One guy from Kearney, Kelly celebrated 1 year clean and sober at midnight. I joke with him about a new years resolution that stuck. He said no it wasn't a resolution, it just happened to be the day he ran out of dope, with no way to get more and was totally beaten up. He said he called the hot line and a couple of guys took him to treatment. I had seen Kelly a couple of times before, we hit it off last night pretty well, hopefully I will see him some more and build a friendship, he was another one who was shy about going last night. I am friends with the guy who took him, so when things come up I will remind him to make sure Kelly knows about stuff so he can be a part of.

I take recovery damn serious, I am a bit of a Nazi when it comes to steps and traditions, I use the Big Book and 12 and 12 with newcomers, try and shy them aware from other books which can only be a bunch of mental masturbation if they haven't gotten the basics of recovery started in their brains. But I am also a firm believer in making recovery fun, "we are not a glum lot". People need to learn how to have fun in recovery, learn how to socialize with others on the same path, develop healthy relationship which make breaking unhealthy relationships easier, this is what I was taught early on and it help keep me coming back. I believe we can balance the seriousness of working the 12 steps with having social events. Jeremy, Wendy and my other friends enjoy living sober, we try and show others there is a life after drugs and alcohol, one which is both fun and dead serious, one where we may be laughing our asses off one minute and have tears in our eyes the next.

 I am grateful I have the friends I do, we are pretty damn open with each other, we are open about our recovery and about our spiritual paths. Not all of us share the same spiritual path but we have complete respect for each others paths, so the Catholics, Methodist, Buddhist and Agnostics mix really well in loving kindness for each other. Some of us shot dope, some smoked tons of weed,some did all of it and some like me were just garden variety drunks who would do other things just to get messed up but always came back to the bottle. No matter what our differences are, we have a common bond and that bond is staying clean and sober one day at a time, sharing freely of what we have been given, doing what we can to live in the solution and not the problem. We understand where our heads can go if we don't stay in contact with other travelers on the path, we understand the importance of meetings and of fellowship.

We who are in recovery have a great edge over those who aren't because in my experience you don't find this kind of honest and loving friendship in other places, well maybe some churches or temples, but not often in the work place or with neighbors, I never found it in any political organization I belong to and I was looking hard for this type of belonging. I have been removed of the fantasy of having a beer like non-alcoholics, normal is a cycle on the washing machine, because I can't fathom for the life of me just 1 freaking beer, so I no longer get mad about having an incurable disease. This incurable disease has brought into contact with some of the best people in the world, has fulfilled my need to find a place where I belong.

Well that's about it for today, I have black eyed peas and leftover ham in the crock pot. Mich isn't working so I don't have the kids today, so papa is going to chill, watch some movies and later take down the Christmas tree and decorations.

Peace Love Light
Scott

The Road goes on forever and the Highway never ends!

Hey all. The chorus line from Robert Earl Keen's song struck me as a good title for a post. The road of life just keeps on going even on the dawn of a new year. The new year will bring with it new changes, new growth and new stubbed toes but it will keep on going, my part is to stay on the road, calm the mind and enjoy the scenery even if it gets desolate in places.

"If you want to make God laugh, tell It your plans", "you can plan the plan but don't plan the outcome", "my serenity is directly proportional to my expectations". So some of the things I wish to accomplish this year include buying a camper, getting on day shift either with this company or a new one, spending more weekends camping than I got to last year, taking a vacation east of the Mississippi, tilling up the ground on the west side of my trailer and seeing if I can get vegetables to grow. I hope these things materialize but if they don't my inter-peace will not be effected.

As long as I do the footwork to stay sober and clean I will continue spending quality time with my daughter, grand kids, family and friends. I will continue to my spiritual journey, with willingness I will gain more awareness, I will work on character defects and how they create blocks on the path of loving kindness and compassion. With willingness I will continue to work on selfishness and self centeredness, chipping away at the stone of ego and the big Me which is an illusion anyway. With willingness and a sober mind, I will continue to grasp a little more about non-self and the impermanence of everything.

Tonight there is a potluck and speaker meeting here, my friend Irish Brian is going to tell his story, Brian is a young Irish guy who immigrate to Nebraska to be with his girlfriend, I have heard bits and pieces of his story, it will be good to hear more of it. After this some of the Happy Campers and me are headed 45 miles east to a recovery dance, it is a good time to visit with people I only see a couple of times a year if that, this is the town I went to treatment in so maybe I will run into someone from treatment which would be a joy and blessing. We will finish the night out with a meal, watching all those who remind us of ourselves when we got drunk and went to a restaurant.

I think back on all the new years eves I spent holed up in my house, alone with my best friend the bottle. I was isolated and utterly miserable in my loneliness, the only thing I had to make me feel good was the booze. The booze brought on the delusion I didn't need anyone or was unworthy of love, it told me I was too ugly and weird to be a part of other peoples lives. I look back on that person now and see he was just like Gollum in Lord of the Rings. Gollum was obsessed with his Precious, the ring, I was obsessed with my Precious the bottle. Gollum's obsession lead to his death in fires of Mordor. My obsession lead me to a cold concrete floor with a steel door. Just for today I have a reprieve from my Precious. I live in a beauty shire, filled with love and laughter.

Well campers it is almost time to put the topping on the cheese cake, change into some nicer cloths, never know when I might catch some pretty woman's eye:-)

I hope all of us are able to accept the highway of life as it happens this year, that we find shelter in the storm and understand nothing is permanent, take the good with the bad, always have a song in our heart to sing and dance naked just because we can and it feels good.

Peace Love Light
Scott  

Mouse traps and other things

Hi all and hope you are doing well with the Christmas season.

First off I bought some live mouse traps. Living in a mobile home I live the typical mouse problem, little buggers find it much easier to get into a mobile home than a regular house. I really don't like killing things anymore, part of it is Buddhism, part of it is respect for all living things and how they have a right to live just as much as I do or my dog. Now I don't mind killing for food if ned be and can do it in case of emergency, say the world as we know it comes to an end, I haven't hunted or fished in years. Now my furry little friends haven't started gnawing on food as far as I can tell, haven't got to the bread or dried goods but they leave their droppings everywhere, kitchen counter, in cupboards, on floor etc. I really didn't want to kill them with snap or glue traps, so I went to a farm supply store to see if there was such a thing as a live mouse trap and yup there is. The trap is a metal box with 2 one way doors on it, you put peanut butter, best mouse bait, in the box, they go for the bait and can't get back out. They are working really well, I catch and then take them to work with me, the plant I work in is on the edge of town with fields on both sides, I release the mice there. They can either find there way into the plant, which doesn't put out poison, hopeless cause in a big plant or they can take their chances with the hawks and owls, hey the hawks and owls need food too. The first couple I caught drove the dog nuts, she kept waiting for them to get out, not sure if she wanted to kill them or just mess with them. It feels good to find a peaceful solution to this problem.

Paula posted a poem about hearing a bird sing in winter. Another change which has happened to me via spirituality is my tending of the birds. When my dad retired he started keeping bird feeders around and watching birds, I never saw what the big deal was all about. I couple of years ago I bought my first feeder and now I make sure it stays full. During the summer I was visited by starlings, doves, black birds and the odd blue jay. Now all that are left are the starlings, I suppose there are at least 20 of them hanging around my house. It may seem weird but I can sense their joy in having food to eat, beside the seed I also crumble up bread for them when it starts to get too dry for my taste, which is usually about 4 slices out of a loaf and the heels. I now understand my dad's simple pleasure in seeing them every day, I call them my little friends. Another interesting thing is the starlings don't eat the sunflower seeds or cracked corn, they scratch it out on to the ground, the squirrels come and eat the corn and sunflower seeds, plus the squirrels found a way to get into the food tote, well they did until I secured the lid.

I told someone my getting sober and changing my way of living was an accident, it was and it wasn't. I didn't want to get sober and live a life alcohol free when I went to treatment. I was in heavy denial about alcohol and my selfish nature being the root cause of all my problems. I was so sick I couldn't fathom a life with out my daily consumption of beer even though I had lived a life alcohol free for 9 years. On the other hand I was whipped, I was tired of being afraid all the time, I was tired of the disappointment and heartache I was causing those closest to me. When I entered treatment I was beat down enough to accept surrender and willing to change my life. It was this willingness which brought about the psychic change. I didn't accidental admit myself into the treatment center, I did it out of sheer emotional pain. I don't know if some form of God played a role in this, if it did it was the God of internal conscience telling me I couldn't go on living the way I was or if I did I was destine for worse things to happen. I do believe the force of love, kindness and hope found in the rooms of AA and NA kept me moving forward. I do believe that when people who share a common problem get together to find a common solution based on loving kindness and compassion there is a divine presence which helps all who are willing to do the foot work, reach out to others and share in the name of loving kindness and compassion. I have seen these types of groups work in the lives of others not just alcoholics and addicts. So I guess there are no real accidents, there are situations in life which happen which either cause us to look for solutions or to keep on living in sickness and self destruction.

Anyway those are just a couple of things which I have been on my mind. It is 12:30am and I need to get to bed, I wasn't tired when I started typing but now I am, guess I need to get this out to quiet a bit of the old brain.

Peace Love Light

Scott

Everything is good or normal

Hi all, thought I would try and write a post just to update you all on what is going on here. Angel is sitting on the couch beside me, watching Quest for Camelot. I had her and Carter yesterday, Mich picked up Carter at 10:00pm and Angel spent the night, which is what usually happens because she doesn't want to go home. The kids are doing well, Angel is in the stage of telling papa he is going to buy her every toy she sees advertise on t.v. or if the toy is a boys toy then I am going to buy it for Carter. Carter is doing really well, so far he hasn't had any congestion or infections, last year at this time he had a lot of respiratory and ear infections, hopefully his immune system is getting up to normal.

I have all the kids presents bought, bought a couple of joint presents because Carter tends to play with Angels stuff more than the things you buy for him. He will be 2 on January 3rd, I had to find a birthday present for him as well as Christmas presents, wanted something special for him since I get Angel something special for her birthday, finally found an elephant which shoots small balls out of it's trunk, it will help him with hand/eye coordination. I might get a poolside room at a local motel on the 2nd of Jan for his birthday, I have the day off, so thinking of having a pool party for his birthday.

Bought Mich a pretty necklace which has "You are my sunshine" engraved on it, I will wrap it and put Angel and Carter's name on it. She needs a good vacuum cleaner so that is my present to her. I also bought a new laptop and will give her my old one. She starts college classes in January so will need a computer for school work, my laptop blew a memory board last winter, so it is only running on 1 board makes it slow but will work good enough for her. I am glad she is finally starting classes, the longer she waits the harder it would be to start. It will be rough balancing a part time job and taking care of the kids but she sounds determined, also she has back with Carter's dad and he will help watch the kids.

I am having Christmas dinner at my house. Since Christmas is on a Sunday, I will go to my home group meeting at 11am like normal, then my mom, Mich and kids will come over around 1pm. Not sure whether I will bake a ham or do prime rib, depends on if I can find a small prime rib. I don't care much for turkey and neither does Mich. None of my siblings will be around this year and my niece and nephews will be at their dads house. Actually it will be nice to have just a small family gathering, in the past we have always went to a family members for Christmas.

I bought a Suburban. My Explorer isn't in the best of shape, has a weak cylinder, plus other odds and ends which need fixed. One of Mich's friends is going to buy it from me. I bought Suburban because it will pull a camper without any problems. I should be able to get a good older camper this spring, like I said before, storms and the tent are getting to be a pain in the butt. I am also planning to take a vacation east in late September or early October. I have never really been east of the Mississippi, accept to northern Florida. This years trip to Idaho got me thinking about going east for a week or so, just take off with the dog and go. Of course this is all tentative, but if I start focusing on it I can put the money aside for the trip.

Work is going alright. We had 1 operator quit, so it is just the guy who trained me and myself running the machines at night. They are starting to look for help since we really start getting busy after the first of the year. It would be nice to start training new people now when we don't have parts needing bent stacked up all over the place.

So this is the excitement in my life, enjoying the lack of drama but as we all know things can change over night.

Peace Love and Light

Scott

5 years

End of the Line

by Warren Hayes

And now the gravity of trouble was more than I could bear,
At times my luck was so bad, I had to fold my hands,
Almost lost my soul, rarely I could find my head,
Wake up early in the morning, feeling nearly dead.

I was never afraid of danger, took trouble on the chin,
Mountains I have climbed, that have killed a thousand men,
Spent most of my lifetime downtown, sleepin' behind the wheel,
Never needed anybody, I was king of the hill.

Oh, when I think about the old days,
Lord, it sends chills up and down my spine,
Yeah life ain't what it seems, on the boulevard of broken dreams,
Guess I opened my eyes in the nick of time,
'Cause it sure felt like the end of the line.

No matter how hard I run, I just can't get away
I try to do my best, but the devil gets in my way
Spent most of my lifetime downtown, sleepin' behind the wheel
'Till it all came down to kill or be killed

Oh, when I think about the old days,
Lord, it sends chills up and down my spine,
Yeah life ain't what it seems, on the boulevard of broken dreams,
Guess I opened my eyes in the nick of time,
'Cause it sure felt like the end of the line.

These are the lyrics to an Allman Brothers/Government Mule song which pretty much sum up where I was at 5 years ago.

First a little humor. I walked into Mich's house last week and she asked if I use the word son-of-a-bitch because her roommate and her don't. Seems Angel was doing something and got frustrated and said son-of-a-bitch, which took Mich and roommate by surprise. Here's the thing, this has been past down from my dad, it was one of his favorite expletives, so my dad is still here and pasting on his ways to another generation. Still papa needs to pay closer attention to the words he uses and his actions, there are 2 mini me's in life, little ones who love their papa and mimic him because he is soo cool :-)

So for the second time in my life I have 5 years of sobriety today, it was 5 years ago I checked myself into a treatment center because my life had spiraled out of control and I wanted to get control back. When I told my family I was going to treatment my intent wasn't to get sober but to get the heat of the family, job and law off my ass. The Doctors Opinion in the Big Book talks about a psychic change taking place and this is what happened to me after a couple of days in treatment. Part of this happened by rereading We Agnostics and getting spiritually grounded and having a 2x4 hit me upside the head reminding me that AA is about finding a God of our own understanding and not someone else's, even if they are trying to persuade you to accept their God, this was part of my fall out with the fellowship.

This year started out with the breakup of my relationship with Lady B, it hurt but accepted nothing is permanent. Understood the reasons and moved on. Understood I was probably more in love with the companionship and intimacy than the core her and life style she lived with her son.

Lost the job I really loved in January, this really hurt. It took a while to get over my hurt feelings toward the executive director, I understood what I did wrong but still felt she was overreacting. But I was wrong for writing about other peoples personal lives on my blog which is a public format. A couple of weeks ago she sent me an email apologizing for what happened, how she was in a bad place and listening to people who didn't have her best interest and my words were just to blatantly honest at the time for her to accept. I wrote back saying all was good and had turned out for the best.

Because I lost my job I moved back to my adopted home town, Kearney. Losing the job was a blessing in disguise. I now live close to my daughter and grand kids, plus back with my old AA group and friends.

My moving prompted my mom to move back to Kearney also, she is much happier in her little apartment, she has other older women to spend time with, her youngest sister gladly helps her out and they enjoy spending time together, my mom has a lot less stress in her life now, another blessing which happened with me getting fired.

I learned to humble myself a lot when I took the job of doing manual labor bending steel for 10 hours a night, 5 to 6 days a week. I learned it didn't matter how much management experience I have, there are better qualified people out there for the jobs I have applied for. I have a steady income which pays the bills and provides me with a bit extra when there is a bunch of overtime. I have learned to handle the sore muscle and accept them. I have learned to and continue to learn acceptance of supervisors who in my opinion are poor managers, all I am responsible for is doing my job to the best of my ability.

I have enjoyed plenty of yard work, something I missed living in an apartment. I have gone camping a few times. I built a shed, even though it isn't perfect, I took the time and used the appropriate tools and materials to make it the best shed I could with the skills I have. I put up a Christmas tree for the first time in a lot of years, I did this for my kids because for me Christmas is about joy in children's faces and not commercialism.

I got into a weird short relationship and learned something from it. This relationship caused me to really reach out to my backup sponsor for help and take a close look at how I react to those things in life which upset me at a deep intellectual and spiritual level. I have also had to look closely at me relationship with those I work with and find ways to accept them for being who they are. My new mantra is "yeah like you are so damn perfect" this makes me step back and smile at my arrogance and ego/selfishness.

I cried at a meeting when I felt over joyed with the knowledge I can spend 4 hours between the time I get up and the time I go to work without picking up a drink. In the last years of my drinking I could not , not drink when I had idol time. I am filled with joy and gratitude that when I come home at night sometimes very sore, I reach for a can of soda or bottle of water instead of a beer. I no longer need to self medicate with alcohol neither do I take a bunch of over the counter drugs to ease the pain.

Some have had a hell of a lot worse year then I have but still I am grateful that through all the low lows and highs I haven't picked up a drink, the compulsion and obsession has been removed, so long as I stay spiritually fit.

What is different about this 5 year mark than the last? My first time around I never really found a spiritual way of life. Today I practice spiritual principles to the best of my ability on a daily bases. Meetings are not enough for me, I need a spiritual path in life. I have also been more willing to share what is really going on deep inside with others. I have embraced living in the moment, focusing on the here and now, do the dishes, bend the steel, I have learned to breath when anxious, I am not perfect at any of this but I work on it and my life is wonderful when I do so.

Thanks to all my blogger friends for sharing their experience, strength, hope and lives with me, I learn much from each of you, you bring me joy and insight.

Peace Love Light

Scott