Too Cute

This photo of Angel is too cute not to post, Mich had it on her Facebook so I snagged it from her.

Going to Kearney Friday, visit my mom and help her with a couple of things then Lady B and me are going out for supper and spend the evening together, more relationship building. I was talking to Lady B the other night the subject of bed sizes came up, started with size of bed in her son's room. She said she didn't know what size of bed she had and not sure about the one in her son's room, that she has to check the mattress prior to buying sheets. For some reason I find this very pleasing. There are probably only 1 out of 100 who don't know what size of bed they sleep on. I find this very comfortable that she isn't so caught up in material things that it really isn't important enough to know if she sleeps on a full or queen size mattress. Maybe it is also the uniqueness in her not know when most would that makes me really love this about her. Is that a weird something to be attracted too? I find it refreshing so I guess that is all that counts.

We have talked and laughed over the phone all this week, the other night it was for over a half hour which is pretty long for me, it was very natural for both of us, I am generally not that good at talking for that amount of time over the phone, something else I find interesting. I am sure we will have a good face to face visit tomorrow night. I need to make sure I tell her the things I like and why I like them, she isn't showing any signs of reject this "sweet man" for telling her what is on my mind yet, so will keep working on letting her know and trust her. This is a big step for me, working past the fear of reject by telling her the subtle things about her that hold my interest and make my attraction grow.

Thanks for listening to the language of my heart. Hope all have a great weekend!!!

Peace Love and Light
Scott

p.s writing this on my Thursday, got off work at 11:30 pm so I am still up at 1:30am Friday morning. Head to bed now though.

Angel, Carter, Lady B and Me

Not sure where this post is going to go. I have specific things to write about but not a clear outline, so I am surrendering to the Muse, with a bit of editing afterwards. Life is awesome right now, it is as it is meant to be.

Carter is doing really well. There are still minor problems but they are normal for one so preemie. My mom and a couple of aunts came down last week to see him for the first time. They were in awe of how tiny he was, my aunt took a bunch of photo's using objects for comparison to give people a perspective of his size. They were all impressed with just how much Mich understood about all the devices he is hooked up to and the different procedures he has, plus the variables concerning his future. My mom and I booked a place to have a Welcome home Carter party for the 2nd of May, if all goes to plan he will be released from the hospital the middle of April which would be his original due date. The party is a way for friends and family to meet this miracle baby without stress.

I had Angel here a couple of weeks ago and I also had her last week for a bit. The pictures are of Angel and my touch lamp. She thought it was the greatest thing that she could touch the lamp in different places and it would turn on and then get brighter with each touch until it turned off again, lots of smiles from Angel and grandpa. I had her sleep on an air mattress, I left the electric pump out and once I turn it on and blow air on her, wow another cool toy, she would get the pump turn it on blow air on herself or me, big grin. For the most part we just stayed at my house, which she had the run of. A couple of times she started to touch a few souvenirs cups I had on lower shelves but once I told her "no" she left them alone. I took her to a meeting and people told me she was really good and wasn't a distraction, which made me feel good. She is at that age where she is really lovely, she climbs on my lap, presses my lips together and gives me a kiss, plus lots of hugs, sometimes just grabbing my leg and hugging it. I am extremely grateful for this special bond with her and know it would be happening if I wasn't sober or living a spiritual life. Toddlers can take a lot of time and energy but I was peaceful and didn't worry about the small messes she made, the changing of diapers, the food, her taking up my time, not once did I get upset with her. If I wasn't at peace I don't think it would have been this way, I would have been caught up in self and my wants. I took her to Kearney with me last Thursday, I had to go to my mom's house and also was spending time with Lady B. She was also very good then and Lady B thinks the world of her.

On to Lady B. We text each other a couple of times a day and usually talk in the evenings. She has started calling me "sweet man" and I call her Lady. Thursday afternoon she had me around her house which was a surprise because I didn't think she wanted me around when her 8 year old son was home, her son and Angel played and we had pizza, she bought. Then in the evening, her son went to a friends and I took Angel over to Mich's best friends house, Lady B and I came back to Mich's apartment where I was staying partially because I had left my dog alone all day and needed to tend to her. We sat on the couch and talked, she asked my about my expectations and I told her I really didn't have any that I was cool just seeing where things went. We ended up kissing and caressing each other but nothing too heavy.

I stopped by her work on my way home the following morning, it was early enough that she didn't have any customers, she is the manager of a cash advance business and was working alone this morning. She told me "we needed to talk" the warning bells went off in my head but so did trusting to hear her out and live in the moment. What had happened the night before had scared her, she said she didn't want to be anybodies property and that is what dating means to her, that if she gets intimate with someone it puts a whole new level on things and she said she just wasn't ready for that. She said, I didn't really know her and that she was different from anyone I had ever met. She said she just wants to be friends and work on the friendship, that physical contact was out of the picture. She also told me that the 10 year age difference bothered her for some reason, that even though she didn't think she wanted another child she wasn't 100% sure. She shared in a round about way about her fears, I was able to read between the lines and have some insight into what she was getting at, my insights were correct.

She asked me for my honest feedback and I gave it to her. I told her I respected her and her decision, that my attraction to her was physical, mental and spiritual, that I felt a connection to her, she was honest and admitted again that she felt a connection to me that was physical, mental and spiritual. Her fear was telling her to play it safe, to deny what was in her heart, to break this off now. I told her that I wouldn't kiss her but that I would still hug her tightly, that on occasion I would put my arm around her and give her a squeeze and also a kiss on the forehead. She ask if I did this with all my friends and I said no, but I told her that we where more than just normal friends that we were special friends and she agreed with this. I told that I would do as she wished but if she ever needed to be held or to cuddle she would have to instigate it, that I would keep my word. I told her I was fine with with letting the friendship grow, that I wasn't worried about seeing the real her, that I have seen quite a bit of the real her and it didn't scare me. That I like the fact that she is very independent, that she has a close relationship with her family and kids. I told her I respect the fact that she is working through some co-dependent issues and that I don't care much for woman who are co-dependent, as far being emotionally attracted them is concerned, I don't want a companion that I am trying to fix. We had plans to go on a date this Friday, I told her that what she had told me didn't change anything, she said she still wanted to spend the evening with me and see me the next morning before I left for Lincoln. I had sent her a rose on Valentines Day, it was a way for me to say I am attracted to you, without using words. When she got the rose she asked me what the rose really meant I was at a lose for words, actually I was afraid to tell her over the phone, fear of reject, so I told her via an email, how I felt about her and how I was a bit concerned about taking a chance with her, she told me she felt the same way and told me to take a chance on her, to take a chance on seeing if there was something more. Friday morning a used her words me back on her, I told her to take a chance on me. This was after she said "someone always gets hurt" I told her that wasn't always true, that she needed to take a chance that maybe this time was different, that neither one of us knows unless we take that chance. I told her I knew her well enough to know that she is confused and scared and I am alright with her being that way. That I care about her, that I want her work this out, that am not going anywhere, that we need to trust each other and over time this will happen, that I won't intentionally hurt her and she will not do the same to me. Lady B is very honest and upfront, she says what is on her mind, so I know she will be honest with me to the best of her ability. I told her, that the Scott she is getting to know is the real Scott, that I haven't put on a front to win her affection, that the same person she sees now is the same person she will see in 6 months, that if the bond gets strong I am not going to change and start being controlling, that I won't take her hostage nor is she my property, that she doesn't have fear me. I told her that if I really love someone and they want to have a child that I am fine with that but it isn't something I think much about because that kind of love is down the road, this also eased her mind. I told her I had no expectations of her and her son moving in with me or relocating to Lincoln. Both of us have messed up and moved in with someone too early and I wouldn't do that again. I said she needs to know she is worthy of being loved for who she is, she said this is something she is working on. When I left we gave each other tight loving hugs and smiles and yes I kissed her forehead.

On the way home, I received a text from Lady B. She told me "thank you, you make me happy and that she was peaceful once again". Over the weekend, in some of her text called me sweet man and we had a couple of wonderful talks filled with joy and laughter. She is interested how my day at work goes and I in how her time with her son's and family went. The honest talk was a step in the right direction for both of us. She needed to express her fears and expectations. I needed to know these. I looked within myself to see what it is I feel, is it infatuation or something more. It is something more, which could be infatuation in disguise. Laby B makes me happy, her text messages, our phone conversations, our spending time together. Do I see differences, hell yes, do they bother me, hell no. We are not from different planets but have some different interest, she knows my interest and though she doesn't share all of them, my music, books, interest in philosophy and deeper levels of thinking she has not shied away. If she can still want to be with me after knowing this then I can easily accept monster trucks, her deep commitment to her family, her interest in financial planning, in fact she hasn't brought up one thing that I really dislike with a passion, her politics are middle of the road which is fine with me, the same goes with her spiritual beliefs. She is very balanced in her spiritual ideals, she believes in tolerance and allowing every one to find their own path.

I am comfortable with the way things are with us, she has asked me to work on talking more in person, to share my thoughts one on one instead via my writings which I have agreed to do. I feel that if I am truly willing to take a chance with her that I need to be willing to change what I can, she said she feels the same. We need to walk the walk with each and not talk the talk. I don't know if there is a label for this type commitment, maybe it is love in the first stage. All I know is that after all was said and done with, 2 people are still willing to continue down a path that so far has made both of them happy. That we both faced our fears and confronted them so that neither one of us playing a guessing game. That she knows about my insecurities and I hers. I am grateful that we have been honest with each other and can't help but feel that being this honest right now is a step in the right direction. I will have to work on this though, because sometimes I can confuse compassion and loving kindness with people pleasing and care giving. I told her not to let me spend money on her or her son unless I have it to spend, this is a character defect she needs to know about, she has a lot of pride and won't allow this to happen either unless it mutual and for a good reason and not an attempt to please or buy love that already exist.

This may sound a bit heavy but it isn't. My mind has not raced too much over any of this. I think about her a lot but it isn't with fear or worry. It isn't about not feeling worthy of her love and attention. It is about a special person who has entered my heart, who I care about on many levels. The nice thing is she has told me she thinks about me also, once again the feelings are mutual. There is no second guessing from either person, it is out in the open. If things fall apart then that is just how it is meant to be and will deal with it when I happens. We both have to take this one day at a time, to not worry about what might be, to live in the moment at hand and enjoy the time together whether that time is spent over the phone, little messages sent or being with each other in person. The not being able to see each other in person all the time may prove to a benefit. That the time spent is quality time even if it is uncomfortable because we are being honest with each other, or maybe I am trying to play God read too much into this?

Her sponsor is a close friend of mine and Lady B uses her, they talk about me and us. This tells me that Lady B is on the same page in recovery that I am. Recovery is very important to both of us and has to come first.

It is because of recovery that all these wonderful things in my life are possible; Angel, Carter, my wonderful Mich who wrote me a beautiful letter for my birthday saying how much she loves me and thanking me for all have done and how proud she is of me and of course for Lady B and the chance I am taking with her. We have a few challenging clients in treatment right now and it is because of recovery that I am able to work with them, to do my best for them and to allow others to work with because Scott doesn't have all the answers.

This has been a long post per normal. I keep praying for all of you and spending positive energy your way.

Peace Love and Light
Scott

Still alive and sober

Hi all I am still alive and sober! I have been been busy lately, watched Angel for a couple of days plus work has been tiring so I haven't had the energy to post. Hopefully I will be able to post and comment on your post in the next few days. I have been reading your blogs and they make me smile and think, your are a part of my daily reprieve.

Until later

Peace Love and Light
Scott

Mich had these pictures of Carter on her Facebook so I downloaded them for you all to see. The one with Mich isn't flattering but it shows how small he is in comparison to Mich's hand.

They are doing alright. Matt is being Matt and I have to accept that, don't have to like or approve of his actions or better yet non-actions but I do have accept him for being who he is, which I can't change with words or 2x4's.

I didn't make it down there this week, I have had to work a couple of over night shifts which throw my day off. I have to work 5 days in a row this week but told Mich I would be down after work Wednesday night. She wants me to bring Angel back home with me which I will. Angel and grandpa need a couple of days together anyway.

Last Sunday on my way back from Kearney the guy that was working first shift called me and asked if I could come in a bit early because he wasn't feeling too well, I said I would. I took enough time when I got home to check my email and unload the car, about 20 minutes. After he left I found out from my other co-worker the guy had brown bottle flu, this really pissed me off. If I would have known it was brown bottle flu sickness I wouldn't have rushed to replace him. The guy was on medical tech duty, so being hungover is placing the clients in a dangerous position, not to mention have an tech at a treatment center for alcoholism and drug addiction come to work hungover sets a really poor example. When I was drinking I didn't miss very much work due to hangovers, I feel this is self inflicted and you just show up and do the best you can until your shift is over, so I have zero sympathy for him. The other co-worker is in recovery and also working on his counseling license. He was also very pissed off too. Mr. Hangover is also the laziest of the techs, on the weekends when there isn't much to do he sits and watches TV, doesn't move around and talk to clients much, isn't motivated to do our normal duties, he either has to be told to do stuff or my peers and I just do them and let him sit around. The hangover and his work ethic's lead him to being fired. I have mixed feelings about this. I want to be compassionate towards those I don't like but I can honestly say I am glad he was fired. His job performance and attitude sucked also I have never really like the kid. He created his own suffering and I guess the compassion from me is in hopes he learns some lessons from the suffering he is going through.

My relationship with Lady B keeps growing. She told me a few weeks ago she really doesn't like to talk on the phone much since she spends a great deal of her work time on the phone but the last few days she has been calling me, just to say hi or see how I am doing. I told her I was mad at Matt but it wasn't a big deal via an email, she called to make sure I was alright and to find out what had happened. She has stuff going on in her life so I don't dump a lot of my stuff on her, figure she doesn't need to listen to my mini drama's but she has a genuine concern for me, Mich, Angel and Carter and wants to know what is going on. Our attraction to each other is building by developing a strong friendship, one based on common interest, not too much though, enjoying talking to each other and lots of laughter. I don't know about anyone else but I have had this idea in my head that the perfect companion should like the same music and books I do but Lady B is pretty much apathetic towards understanding music or literature, it isn't that she isn't a thinker but her interest are different than mine. We like the same types of movies for the most part, although she isn't as excited about Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland as I am, she thinks it looks a bit freaky. We have common views on raising children, she has an 8 year old son and is very big on structure. We both have the same views on recovery, with me be a little heavier on service work and activates. She enjoys camping and being outside, told me she isn't a girlie girl when it comes to camping, big A+ for her. She has had money and material things but lost them all and now realizes these things don't matter much that happiness is based on matters of the heart, A+ number 2. I am doing my best to keep my expectations in check but it is really nice to have someone care about me and show the fondness for me that she does. It has been a long time since I have had a special woman in my life. I know my happiness isn't contingent upon having an intimate companion but it is one of my desires, one that I have to stay in constant awareness of so that it doesn't become overwhelming and create self inflicted misery. I will not try and buy her affection like I did with N, it is tempting with my tax refund coming up. Cool thing about Lady B is she that she is very self sufficient and proud of that. In fact she may be able to assist me in controlling my spending, well maybe a sound voice and a gentle swift kick when I need it. As always this is in God's hands, we do the footwork and see what happens for now though I am grateful it is moving in the direction it is.

Well that is enough rambling from me. I worked last night and I am sitting here in my robe and need to get in the shower and get ready for a meeting. I am working the morning shifts this weekend, so I also need to prepare a class for spirituality. It looks like Sunday mornings are going to be mine, so I need to start working on different things for the clients to do for spirituality group, I have my basic stuff but need to broaden my lesson plans.

My prayers go out to all of you who are having a rough time in life right now, I know a few of you are. Remember campers, there is no "self" we are all interdependent on each other, I am you and you are me and we are all together.

Oh Yeah, I forgot this, 47 years ago on Febuary 7th a dark haired future member of AA was born, he became the blogger known as Wolfie185. I am going to take Mich and Angel out to eat for my birthday, Matt will not go because of the Super Bowl, I haven't watched a Super Bowl in over 20 years so I doesn't bother me to miss this one.
Peace Love and Light
Scott

Be Bopping on the Prairie

Hey all and hope everyone is doing well and life is going as well as it can.

Carter is doing well. He had minor surgery to repair a heart murmur on Saturday, they went through the side and didn't have to do open heart surgery. The surgery had something to do with blood oxygen levels. I went down and saw him last week. I reached in the incubator for the first time and stroked his head and arm. Mich has a small cold and isn't allowed to hold him still but she is alright with that. She is very optimistic about his care, she trust the doctor's and nurse's to know what they are doing. She is much more stable in this than Matt and is overall taking being there pretty well. Angel has been there with them and I am sure this helps, Angel keeps Mich busy and takes the focus off of Carter all the time. Angel is doing well, she was glad to see grandpa. When I left she waved bye bye to Mich and blew her a kiss cause she was ready to leave with me, maybe next week. I have a mixed up schedule this week so I can't have her, next week I have a couple of days off in a row so I can get her then.

Lady B and I went out to eat on Saturday night and then to the wedding reception for my nephew. She told me and also texted me that she had a good time and really enjoyed spending time with me. I asked her if she wanted to go out again when I was in town and she said yes. I am trying not to second guess what is going on too much but we have a 2 way relationship and she is open about wanting to date and also interested in summer events and being a part of them. On the drive to and from the reception she opened up about some of her past, where her addiction took her and I told her more about what I did, not 4th step stuff mind you, just honest sharing about ourselves. She is easy to talk to and likes to talk which helps me out, since I have a hard time with small talk.

I drove back to Lincoln Sunday morning, I had plenty of time before I had to be at work so I took a 2 lane prairie highway instead of the interstate. I just felt like taking it easy on the way home, setting the cruise control on 60mph, instead of the 75mph of the interstate, also I didn't feel like the hassle of the semi's and heavier traffic. The highway I took added about 20 minutes to the trip and maybe 25 extra miles.

The old highway I took runs through towns which average under 500 people, with the exception of 3 towns that are over 1000 people. The highway runs through the heart of farm country, fields, pastures, farm houses, barns and steel grain bins, along with cattle and horses are the sights you see. Most of the old 2 story white farm house with enclosed screen porches are gone now, they have been replaced with more modern brick homes but you still see a few. The old houses were poorly insulated and the window weren't the best either, so I am sure that instead of spend thousands of dollars to fix these up, people just tore them down and built new. I love old farm houses, my dream is to one day own one, the inside were designed for simple living by simple people, big kitchens for cooking and feeding people, functional living rooms, bedrooms and bathrooms, no family room because the family sat in the living room or in dining room, bathrooms were made for getting your business done, get in, get out, not spending hours in them.

A lot of the new farms still have the old 2 story barns, various buildings and steel grain bins on them. The original purpose of these building is gone for the most part, they tend to be storage buildings and a place to put farm implements. The smaller buildings at one time housed hogs and chickens. Not too many people raise either any more, it has become cheaper to buy, chicken, eggs and pork from big national grocery stores than feed and butcher and process your own. I think people don't want to take the time to gather eggs twice a day anymore either. To me chickens are a great asset to living in the country, fresh eggs are awesome plus chickens are God's own pesticide, chickens eat a lot of bugs, they also make great garbage disposals, they will eat most food scraps and love vegetable and fruit byproducts.

The story of the old two story barn goes like this. The top level was used to store bails of hay or straw. The bottom level had a place to store grain for feed and also stalls for cows or horses. Milking a cow is a rare thing with modern farmers, once again it is cheaper and easier to buy milk in a store. A cow has to be milked twice a day, then the milk is separated from the cream and pasteurized but not always. We never pasteurized our milk, the cream was skimmed off the top with a spoon, this was real whole milk because you still had cream in it. You also have to strain the milk through a filter to remove dirt and stuff. This was all done by hand. Dairy farmers do all this by automation today, they have machines that milk the cows, the milk goes into other machines that separate the cream from the milk and then pasteurize it. If the barns are use for cattle today is because either there are kids in 4H who show them at county fairs or they are fed for butchering at a local meat processing place. Horses in this part of the state aren't that common any more either. They have been replaced by motorized 4 wheel all terrain vehicles and 4 wheel drive pickups. The north and northwestern part of the state still has lots of horses because there are more ranches, the ground isn't good for raising corn or soybeans. In this part of state is where you find real cowboys and not wanta be cowboys. Real cowboys and cowgirls are some tough people, their work doesn't stop because the weather is too cold or too hot, working with cattle can be hard work and their strength proves it. Real cowboys and cowgirls also raise a lot of hay which requires man handling as well. If you read admiration in this then you are right.

I don't mean to belittle modern farmers. I have a lot of respect for them and what they do, it is hard work even with all the modern equipment they have at their disposal. I was just writing about the contrast from the farming I was around as a young kid and what it has become today. I still have a fondness for taking a relaxing drive along a highway that takes me to a simpler life style. I still love seeing cattle and horses in pastures. I still make a mental note of who is raising hogs and chickens, it is in my blood and yeah I am proud of it.

I hope you enjoyed this little journey down the back roads of my home land and my memories.

Peace Love and Light to all!!
Scott

God is Inside us Too

Friday night was the holiday party for the staff of the treatment center. I opted not to go, basic reason was I didn't feel comfortable going. I like my co-workers and all but I am still a bit of an outsider and I felt uncomfortable with the idea of sitting around making small talk. I know I should step outside of my box and be more open towards social events with people I don't know very well on a personal level but the uncomfortable feeling was strong, call it fear for that is what it really is. If this was an outdoors event I would be much more comfortable but being at someones house is very claustrophobic for me.

Since a majority of the staff were going to the party we borrowed a couple of Techs from the half way house we are affiliated with to work that night. My boss asked me to come and work also, he needed a medical tech and also someone the clients knew to be there. One of the 2 guys that worked was a guy I know from meetings but not really well, so it was a good time to get to know him, the other guy use to work for us, so he knew a lot of the basics which helped me out.

Friday nights are in general very easy. The group eats supper and then there is a short group called Community Problems. The first half of community problems has the clients picking phone times for the next day, they are allow three 15 minute phone calls on Saturday. Next we go over basic facility needs like cleaning supplies and tp and such. The last part is for voicing issues, clients can express issues they feel need looked at, like showing more respect or common courtesy. Next the techs address any issues we have with the group, this can also me a time to give the group kudos's for good behavior. All of this takes about 20 minutes, once this is over the group has free time until midnight which is bedtime. Piece of cake right?

This Friday it wasn't a piece of cake. Divine providence decided to give me a challenge. Some of the clients went to a 5:00pm AA meeting next door which is during supper time, the clients eat supper when they return shortly after 6pm. The clients that had kitchen chores for the day started cleaning the kitchen and preparing the leftovers had started, this was prior to the folks returning from the meeting, they were moving tables and mopping when the meeting goer's returned. For one of the goer's this was very upsetting, TK has mental health issues and felt pressure to eat, she came to me and expressed this in strong terms. I told her we would bring it up in community problems and she accepted this answer.

Something about this group of clients, they have a bad habit of side talking and not showing common courtesy and respect for each other. This was brought to their attention during therapy group on Thursday. They were told they need to call each other out for inappropriate behavior, that this was not tattle telling but addressing sick behaviors that can keep people from recovering.

Showing respect and having common courtesy has been a recurring issue with this group during community problems. One of the clients addressed it again Friday night and TK brought up the issue with cleaning the kitchen prior to the people returning from the meeting getting a chance to eat without feeling rushed. When it was time for me to talk, I address the same things and explained the importance's of them. While I was trying to talk, TK and a few others were quietly side talking, it was too low for me to hear since I was in the front of the room and they were in the back but MR did hear it and it was loud enough that she couldn't hear me clearly. MR did the right thing, she raised her hand, introduced herself, all clients are required to introduce themselves by first name and nature of disease prior to speaking. She called out the side talk like she was informed to do by staff. When she was done speaking TK said "fuck you", I told the group once again to please show each other respect.

Myself and the other 2 techs returned to our break area which is where we work out of since we don't have a workable office. MR came down a couple minutes later all stressed out and excited. She had tried to explain to TK why she did what she had done and TK replied " I don't give a fuck and if you don't like it you can go tell the fucking techs". MR says TK used the F bomb on her 5 times and she felt violated and threatened, that she does not like people talking to her in this manner and according to the client hand book does not have to be treated like this by her peers, which is correct. I let MR vent long enough to get this out of her system and then along with the guy I know from AA went down to talk to TK, MR followed which in hind sight was a mistake on my part. MR sat down on the opposite side of the room and I calmly asked TK what was going on and why she was so upset, she then gave me a profanity laced hostile response, MR then tried once again to explain herself which lead to the situation escalating. I raise my hands and told the ladies to please calm down and try and be nice to one another, which stopped the verbal battle.

I left my co-worker with the women and called my on-call counselor, which happened to be our director and the one hosting the staff party, freaking great. She gave me some advise on how to handle the situation basically saying to tell them to give each other room and try and tolerate each other for the rest of the night. TK in the mean time had got together with some peers and was belittling MR, I didn't hear much of what was said. I know TK well enough that talking to her any further would just make things worse, so the best course of action with her was no action unless she was dangerous to MR which I believe she wouldn't be. MR over heard the belittling which just amplified her frustration and anxiety. I explained to her what the counselor had told me, she didn't like the answer and wanted TK punished for her behavior. MR said she was going to file a grievance report over the whole situation, this was her right and I told her if that is what she felt she needed to do then please do so and the director and her personal counselor would review it Monday and discuss it with her.

TK eventually went in the kitchen and played cards with some of her peers. MR came to the break room and filled out the grievance report and talk to myself and another tech. I was filling out my own paperwork about the whole incident at this time and had MR explain once again what had happened so that I had the words correct plus it let MR know her grievance was being taken seriously. We told MR that she has no control over how other people behave, that includes how they except apologizes or explanations for our actions. how we understand how difficult it is to have to live with 16 other people and that sometimes personalities clash. MR said she wasn't in treatment to make friends and was here for herself, which we praised her for. Later in the evening I told MR that how sometimes our language, tone of voice, vocabulary and body posture can be seen as threatening to others even if we don't intend it so. MR used the word "violated" the second time she confronted TK, TK has a lower IQ so she may have been threaten by MR having a strong vocabulary and felt MR was talking down to her. I told MR that I have to be careful of my own vocabulary and phrasing around certain client because they don't understand the words and think I am being arrogant or looking down on them. I explained to MR that in recovery part of what we need to learn is how are words can effect others and the situation tonight was a good example of that. MR appeared to accept all the input she received from staff and she had a good rest of the night. I left TK alone for the rest of the night, when she took her bedtime meds I simply asked her how she was doing and left it at that.

There is a lot about TK that MR doesn't know but I didn't tell her because she would have taken this as me excusing TK's behavior and not used the knowledge to understand why TK re-acted the way she did. TK must have really been stressed out over the supper incident, plus something could have happened earlier which she was not handling well, MR's comment was probably the straw that broke the camel's back because I have never seen TK get this hostile before. Saturday MR did say to me that after talking to a female peer she did understand that TK has health issues. TK was still somewhat resentful towards MR but MR was doing her part to show TK consideration and tolerance. MR seems to have grown from the event, she is a smart woman from all appearances and is willing to take suggestions and input from people who can help her get clean and sober.

Now for Scott. I have followed the prescription of prayer and mediation prior to going work, incorporating the 3rd step prayer, prayer of St. Francis and a focus on the Eightfold Path of the Buddha. I believe that by doing this I was able to handle a potentially voilitile situation with calmness, the actions of these two could have effected the whole group for the evening and not just a few clients. I had no real time to think about a course of action when this initial event went down. My words and actions where automatic, they came from a place deep inside. A place were God resides, a place were living in recovery created a profound change in me. After the first way waves of the situation pasted I was able to use words and action based on concentrated thought which further assisted MR and even TK. I was also able to be available to other clients when they approached me, shifting gears so they knew I was there for them. I was placed in a difficult situation, I didn't have my experienced co-workers there to assist me. The clients didn't know the other 2 guys so they sought out the one tech they trusted and where comfortable with. Yes my God did for me what I couldn't have done for myself. I believe everything we need is locked within ourselves and it is times like this that the strength and knowledge is unlocked. I take pride in handling what happened Friday night but it is pride with a humble knowledge that I was assisted by a power greater than myself. The assistance came from a commitment to living in recovery, from practicing a spiritual way of life that includes the Dharma, the assistance also came from the people in recovery who have helped me along the way.

Friday night as crazy as it was, makes me grateful for choosing this new path in life. The path of service, the path of Right Livelihood which means we receive our needs by doing a job that serves all living creature, that we do a job about giving and not receiving. This may not be for you but it is the way I choose to live. It also reminds that there is no real me/self, that Scott is made up of many things and that there is a Divine inside us as well as one outside of us. Today I see this and I hope I will tomorrow as well.

I hope all is well with you all! Keep your hope alive my friends, have faith in whatever God that assist you in trying times, we never know when we will be challenged and have to be of service to others and to self.

Peace Love and Light
Scott

Cabin Fever, this and that

It is that time of the year when I have had enough of winter and my mind turns to spring and summer. I am not projecting a great deal but making plans and doing a bit of footwork for a few things for this spring/summer.

Sorry to say but after close evaluation of my finances, I won't be able to afford the International Convention in San Antonio. I don't make enough money to be able to save any back for the trip even with people going along to split the cost. My tax refund is going to be used for some needs and if there is money left some basic wants. I need new glasses and since I wear feather weight line less bifocals they don't come cheap, need a new lawn mower, need to get my car repaired from the accident plus transmission fluid and filter changed, Mich needs a microwave and also a bed for Angel and maybe a crib for Carter. My wants are a pop up camper, plus I have get some more camping gear, not much but it all adds up. The camper is a want after everything else is bought plus I am selling my old truck to help pay for it. The way it looks I won't be getting hired on full time anytime soon at the treatment center, I am getting a regular 4 days of work a week which is what all the dependable and knowledgeable techs are getting. Maybe next year things will look better and there will be an event that I can meet up with some of you wonderful blogger peeps.

So thinking about the reality of not being able to go to San Antonio got me thinking about what I could do for the 4th of July weekend. There is a state park between Omaha and Lincoln, it sits on the banks of the Platte river. The park does not have camping because the terrain is too hilly and rough but they have 6 person cabins for rent, ones with AC are $60.00 and non-AC $50.00, cabins have frig, fire ring and picnic table, you have to use a community latrine and shower but they are well taken care of so this isn't a big deal. I contacted a couple of my fellow campers and they are up for it, so we will reserve 2 cabins for the weekend. The park also has a swimming pool, guided horseback riding and a lake with paddle boats. Another nice thing about the location is, we can take a day trip into Omaha and visit the zoo. For a small Midwest city the Omaha zoo is awesome. Lincoln has some great fireworks displays and I am sure my recovery friends here will be having stuff going on that we can be a part of. So even though I won't be able to spend the weekend with all you wonderful people, I will be having a great weekend in recovery.

Memorial Day weekend has all ready been booked. We are going back to the Native American center again. This is where the Happy Camper came into existence. For those that don't know, the center is located in a quiet canyon, they have 2 nice cabins we rent out and plenty of room for tents. There is a beautiful fire ring with split log benches around the ring. There is a small lake for canoeing and 5 miles away is a lake for fishing. There are also plenty of hiking trails. Part of the attraction is the guided tour of an early earthen log replica and medicine circle, the people that own the center, have different artifacts and bones from prehistoric animals that once lived in Nebraska, strangely enough Nebraska was once a tropical jungle. The place is very peaceful and last year we were the only people there for the whole weekend.

What we do on our camping trips is hangout and have great recovery fellowship. Another guy and myself do all the cooking, so the mom's get a break and both of us are good cooks I might add, cost of food is shared. We have AA and NA meetings at different times of the day, ending with a bonfire meeting. Lots of Smores are made plus good hot dogs roasted over an open fire. For myself and a couple of others it is a time for quiet mediation in nature. Not everyone is on the same spiritual page but everyone has a spiritual experience, if by no other means than spending a weekend in nature with fellow travelers in recovery.

I am not sure how many of the Happy Campers from last year will be part of the campouts for this year. Right now there are 7 of us but I am sure we will pick up more as it gets closer to the actually events. Lady B and her 8 year old son want to be a part of it but it is early in our relationship, so time and God will tell on this one. N has distanced herself from me and the other campers, so I don't know if her kids and her will be a part either, she has taken a different path in her recovery and life, this happens and is cool as long as she is happy, even if she isn't it is not in my hands but God's. We have had a few people relapse and stay out in their disease and a couple others take different paths, once again they are in God's capable hands. Those of us who do get together will have a great time, we connect on spiritual and recovery levels. The weekends are very honest, we open ourselves up, we share with each other, we accept the words of others because their words come from the heart and are spoken with love. We don't beat recovery into any ones head, we just try and set an example by our actions, in doing this a couple of newcomers last year where able to blossom over the summer, see what it is like to live in recovery and not just work the program of recovery. We are not perfect, we are a bunch of ex drunks and druggies trying to live life on life's terms using spiritual principles as a guide. Christian, Buddhist, generic Spiritualist all embrace in love for one another.

Side notes; Carter is breathing on his own. Mich was able to hold him for the first time yesterday. Mich and Matt have stopped fighting, mainly because Mich gave in and had Angel go back to Kearney and stay at Matt's parents. Angel is alright. I have my concerns about her but know that a few weeks living at Matt's parents won't hurt her, it is more about my ego knowing what is best for her than anything else. She is my baby so I can't help but be concerned about her though. My friendship with Lady B is growing stronger, we have been talking off and on quite a bit, she was very supportive and caring towards me when C died. Next Saturday I have a wedding reception for my nephew and she is going with me, this will be our first date. You know I will let you know how it goes. The reception is going to be a beer bust so I am glad she is going with if for no other reason than to have another person in recovery along. I am not worrying about drinking but I will have a better time with someone I can connect with there to talk with and also a dance partner.

We had a former client get busted for assault, he beat up a guy in an alley for a 24oz can of beer, The former client had only been out of treatment for 3 weeks. Once again a remember that the disease is just waiting for us to rest on our spiritual laurels, stop going to meetings, not work the steps and never call our sponsors.

The photo is from last years first campout, I am in the mix but you have to figure out where.

Hope everyone is doing well. I pray for those of you who are going through some rough times in life.

Namaste, Peace Love and Light
Scott