He Not Busy Being Born Is Busy Dying

Common Demoninator Hope

2012-01-23T11:19:00.000-08:00

Hey all, after a much needed sleep I am able to think clear enough to write, went to bed at 9:30pm and woke up at 9:45am. Friday night I got off work at midnight, laid down around 2am and was back up at 5:15am so I could be on the road at 6:15am, the joys of working 2nd shift. Thanks to coffee and good conversations I was alert all day Saturday but crashed by 10 and up again at 6.

What this all pertains to is I had my first state AA area meeting as the district chairman for the Kearney area AA, location was in a town 2 hours east of here. I took J with me, J has 14 years sobriety and started going to area meetings about a year ago. J also has a learning disability coupled with brain damage from drug and alcohol use, he lacks listening skills which effect his comprehension which can make him rather annoying because he rambles on without hearing what you are saying sometimes. He reminds me of my elderly mother in ways, you think he understands what you have said and then later talks about the same thing forgetting what you said the first time, I must admit it is challenging being with him for any length of time.

J had called me earlier in the week to see if he could ride with me to the meeting, though he wasn't a choice for a traveling companion I said yes because well it is what we do, we help those who ask and be damn with our opinions of the person. He also stayed in my room because he had a conflict with the guy he was going to stay with. J insisted he pay for 1/2 of the room, the other guys room was paid for by the area because he holds an area chair position, the guy was adamant J not pay and J was adamant he would. I had the same conflict, my room was paid for by the district, J and I share a sponsor, I talked to our sponsor about the conflict, my thought was to let J pay his share and use the money for some Grapevine books for the district. Our sponsor said he is the one who insisted J pay his way because J is a bit of a freeloader and doesn't think things out, he will do stuff and expect others to help him out, my sponsor told me to just give the money J gave me back to the district treasurer saying someone stayed in the room and paid half. So a solution was found without conflict, J was responsible and the district isn't footing the bill.

Spending as much time as a did with J was a lesson in patience and mindfulness. The lesson wasn't overly hard, over time I have become more patient with others, allowing them to be who they are. When I did start picking at his character defects I reminded myself of his mental illness and also about how we are all one; we are one in recovery and dependent on the same elements for existence, we all have our baggage and who I am to criticize his. I hang out with a lot of people with baggage, we are good friends because we accept each others baggage, yet can reject others whose baggage we dislike which is really stupid and hypocritical. I don't go out looking for spiritual growth, spiritual growth finds me and spending weekends with people like J are part of it.

First off it was really good to see old friends at area, the warm welcome hand shakes, hugs and smiles, the mutual warmth of being at area and being of service. I am assigned to the Treatment Center committee, a committee I was only vaguely familiar with. I didn't know the committee chair nor anyone on the committee. The chair briefly outlined what the committee was doing last cycle and wished to continue down this avenue which was agreed upon. We all easily fell into a discussions about improving the website by listing all treatment centers in Nebraska with contact information, also on the website we would like to list all district DCM's and alternates as a means of contact for those getting out of treatment and returning to their local areas, something which is doable with coordination from webmaster and state chairperson. Next we discussed having workshops, last year workshops were held in Omaha and Lincoln, the chair wanted to have workshops in central and western Nebraska. It was agreed upon to have a workshop here in Kearney in May, Kearney is centrally located and easily accessible. With a new homeless shelter coming to Kearney the timing of the workshop is ideal, the homeless shelter will have a program to assist people recover from alcoholism and addiction, though it is faith based we can still support them within the guidelines of the traditions, support not affiliation, with the understanding AA is not faith based. The shelter is run by an organization who has shelters in other parts of the state, they have worked with AA before so this shouldn't be a conflict. We will also have a workshop on the western border of the state, an area which is often over looked due to distance from the most populated areas of the state, eastern and central.

At break I talked to a woman who I have only visited with a couple times in the past, it was one of those odd chance meetings in the hallway. She is on the Corrections committee, jails and prisons, her town 1-1/2 hours from Kearney is having a workshop in Feb on Corrections. She talked about her challenges with the women's prison which are similar to our challenges with the county jail. There was a mutual relief knowing we were both facing similar challenges, acquaintance was turned into friendship via this conversation. Myself and a couple of others from our district will go to her workshop, 1 to support her and 2 to gather any knowledge we can on possibly improving our jail meetings and support for them from members and county officials. I will be in contact this week with our district Corrections chair to fill her in on the conversation, she has been a little frustrated as of late so needs some rays of hope shined on her.

Other than seeing old friends at area meetings the really great thing is meeting those new to service work. I visited with few, most were surprised to find the area meetings were not about politics, general prejudice found in meetings, and were really about how we can better carry the message to the still suffering alcoholic. Sure we talk about finances, any organization has concerns over making the best use of the money available and how to limit spending, we on occasion talk about the wording of certain bits of literature pertaining to structure but over all it is about carrying the message. We have a committee on carrying the message to professionals which in turn assist them in dealing with alcoholics and their victims, increasing their knowledge of alcoholism and AA. We have committee's on literature and the AA magazine the Grapevine who also publishes some great books, both carry the message to those in and out of our rooms. We have a committee on public relationships, carrying the message to the general public, a lot of this is just making sure there is easy knowledge and access to meeting information. We have a special needs committee, something newly formed, to insure people with special needs have access to meeting, I will be working on update our meeting information so people know which meetings are handicap accessible. I have already mentioned corrections and treatment so won't go there again. I would stay 95% of the districts in the state were present, each gave a report letting the general assembly know what was going on in their districts. The benefit for me is knowing what is going on in neighboring districts so we can support them if possible and also connect with their representative's to possibly develop a rapport of mutual support and combine resources for events for future events if the opportunity arises. The representative for the Spanish speaking district found me yesterday, the district covers the whole state, he said he wants to start a meeting in Kearney and asked for assistance, he said he has people willing to get involved and taking advantage of the motivation while it last and hopes to see his district grow, I will do my best help him get a meeting going. .

We heard different people speak this weekend. I have listened to a lot of people speak over the years, both in my past life in recovery and this new one. It is very rarely that hope isn't the underlying message of speakers. Hope there is life without alcohol, hope in how we change our lookout on life and in turn change ourselves. Hope that in periods of darkness there is light. Hope that even when we fall into a recovery rut, if we are willing and seek help we climb out of the rut and better people for doing so. Hope came for me in both new beings by knowing I wasn't alone, others did the same shitty insane stuff I did, felt the same feelings and had the same struggles. Hope is smiles, hand shakes, warm hugs, laughter, a gentle ear listening to what you are saying, giving you feedback even if it hurts a bit sometimes. Hope is knowing things will get better, even if they get worse first, provided we do some footwork to assist ourselves. Hope is a common denominator when anytime we get together with other people going through the same struggles we have and seeking the same solutions. Hope can be found in recovery meeting rooms, therapy groups, places of religious gathers, blogs and anywhere people reach out to one another in love and unity saying " I care, I have been there, I still go there and you are not alone". I see hope in the faces of people who have been in recovery for years and in the faces of those whose feet are new on the path. I also see hope as something we need to give each other, to learn to step out of our selfish enclosure, to be mindful our actions, don't listen to what I say, watch what I do. I am not anywhere near perfect at giving others hope or getting rid of self, but it has become more of an unconscious way of living than a conscience way, it happens now more without thought than it use to. The thing is I try to do my best to practice loving kindness and compassion each day, some days are good, some days are bad and some day are neutral, because life just is.

We this has been a long ramble, if you have made it this far cheers to you. I need to get myself showered then go get a haircut, which is odd for me because I never use to consider getting it trim when it was already short. I have an lunch interview Wednesday for a purchasing job, figured I need a trim to look as good as possible, will take the little silver loop out of my ear also:) I am trying my best not to focus too much on getting or not getting this job, what they are looking for and my background are a good fit but I have thought this before and not landed the job, the best I can do is be myself and share my knowledge, the rest is up whatever it is up to.

Peace Love Light
Scott

It's Hot, It's Cold, It's Life

2012-01-08T08:34:00.000-08:00

Hello fellow travelers.

We have had usually high temperatures here for January, Thursday was in the low 60's and most of the week 50's. Yesterday and today are back in the 30's which is still warm for January in Nebraska. On one side of the coin is the knowledge we will get hit with some bad weather before summer comes on the other side is as each day passes it is one day closer to sandal season. I enjoy winter now, wasn't always the case, my eyes are open to the beauty of a world at sleep and resting. Having said this I am still a lover of warmer weather and less is better when it comes to clothing.

As most of you know Carter turned 2 on Tuesday. I reflect back on the phone call about his birth at 1lb 10oz, the 2 hour drive to get to the hospital. I remember how I put his and Mich's life in the hands of something more powerful than me and how fairly calm I was on the drive to see them. His birth was probably the most traumatic event of my life, my dad's failing health made his death less traumatic, I was aware of how little power I had over anything and was at peace with the powerlessness of it all. I maintained the same sense of peace over powerlessness during his months in the hospital and various surgeries. He is now 2, he is a wonderful little boy, he is content most of the time, happy and sweet. It is a really joy to watch him grow, to watch his personality develop, his impatience for food, how easily his feelings get hurt when he is scolded. I love the bond which has developed since I moved back to Kearney, how he runs up to me when are united, wanting to be picked up and hug just for a few seconds. He is still my little miracle boy and I am blessed to have him in my life.

This brings up another thing, how I am extremely protective of my grand babies and Mich. While writing the above paragraph I remember the how Angel and Mich were treated by Carter's dad and grandparents, how Angel was put in CPS for alleged abuse and how because I didn't live close enough she had to go into foster care instead of live with me. I remember and am reliving the pain of it all. I had bits and peace of inter peace back then, thanks to friends in recovery and Lady B. On Tuesday Carter's dad wouldn't take time to spend more than an hour with his miracle son, he is doing a type of pyramid program selling airfare and hotels, one where he tries to recruit others, does presentations to others all the time and has big plans for making it big. His reason for not doing anything for Carter on his birthday was he had a presentation to give and his success with the presentations would make all of them rich and happy down the road, so he was doing the presentation instead of the birthday because in the long run the presentation was more beneficial to Carter. This of course pissed me off but after some quiet reflection I came to accept it for what it was and him for being the way he is, still don't have much like for the kid but I accept him, his life is also in the hands of something much bigger than me. Mich for now has decided she has had enough of giving him chances to change and him failing to do so, hope she sticks to it this time but I am powerless over her life as well.

Don't know about anyone else but I can find calm it hellish storms yet heavy gust can throw me off balance. Over time I am getting better at staying on the path during all kinds weather. I get these reminders every so often of how important acceptance is in order to maintain inter peace, to see the suffering and use the tools to accept it.

Thursday I clicked on the state's website for job postings and saw a posting for a purchasing agent which was newly posted, I contacted the employment agency who are doing the referral, updated my profile plus added additional information about my experiences in purchasing since 1994, so the footwork is done now I just wait and see. At least I am comfortable in my current job and have accepted it, don't want to be there any longer than I have to but what that length of time is I have no idea.

Held my first district meeting as DCM yesterday and it went really well. The 3 open chair positions were filled. As a group we found some solutions to a few problems we were having with the county jail. Also got some support for the spring event J and I have talked about. J came up with the idea of creating a district activities chair person, so we will bring this up at our next meeting. The district has too much money in the bank and we need to find a way to use it for the benefit of local members. We have a new homeless shelter opening soon, the group all agreed to reach out to them and see what kind of support the district can offer. Part of the what the shelter does is help people with recovery.

Another cool thing which happened was the secretary called me today for last names, I hadn't looked at the sign in sheet since I know everyone I thought. I looked at the sign in sheet and the last name of a new member rang a bell, same name as a guy I went to school with, well of course I had to call and find out and sure enough it was him. He said he thought I was the same Scott W he knew from school but wasn't 100% sure. I apologized for not recognizing him but it has been 30 years, both of us have facial hair and his head is shaved, plus he was an loud bully of kid in school and is now a humble soft spoken man. We talked for a just a couple of minutes, said we would get together in the future to catch up and get to know the sober men we have become.

Just for laughs, I rearranged my living room, my mom bought herself a couple of new chairs, she gave me her glide rocker. I moved stuff around to make room for it but not certain it will stay this way. I don't or didn't have an arm chair, sit on my couch and there is a kind of love seat thing for company. Humor is I am a creature of habit and not sure I like the change even though the glide rocker is comfortable to sit in. A good friend of mine of from my first time around the rooms told me alkies are creatures of routine, are drinking patterns were very routine, well most of us, so we get to be the same way in recovery. I have been to meetings were the room arrangement has been changed and listen to the complaints and I know for myself certain aspects of throw me for a loop; what to you mean the new hotel hosting area meetings is charging for coffee, hey how come they didn't read How it Works or start the meeting with the Serenity prayer, things at work or other basic routines.

I didn't have the kids last weekend but do today, so it is time to make meatloaf and get it cooking and while I have the oven on might as well make brownies for Carter and papa, Angel doesn't love brownies the way papa and little brother do.

Hang in there my friends, sending love, prayers and positive energy your way!!

Peace Love Light
Scott

Night of Newerbies

2012-01-01T08:47:00.001-08:00

Hi all and hope you had a good new years eve, whether it was hanging out with friends or chilling in your home with a movie, or maybe you just said F it and crashed early.

The potluck was good, lots of yummy food. The Alanon speaker did a good job, her talk was short but interesting and she had some positive things to say. Brian did a good job also, provided some humor and good reflections. I sat with a couple of older guys, one of them talked about the icy storms of the 50's and life on the farm, something I always find interesting.

My friends Jeremy, Wendy and I put the word out we were going to the dance in GI, town 45 miles east. A couple of guys ho hummed about going and we basically said BS you are going. One of the guys was Francis, Francis is the guy who went to Sober Float on his own and ended up floating with us and having a great time, he also came out to one of our camp outs. Francis has about 18 months sobriety, I think he likes to hangout with recovery people but is too shy to ask about tagging along, so we tend to rather grab him when we get the chance and say you are coming. The other guy Scott, has been in and out for years, he admitted he had been isolating lately so once again we rather twisted his arm into coming. A few others went down in their own cars. Like all AA road trips there was good conversation on the way down and back, a lot of it was just about enjoying life sober and clean and some talked about how in the past we were too messed up to do this or that.

When we got to the dance we connected with some more people from Kearney. It was nice for me since my work schedule doesn't allow me to see many people that often. Brett and Jamie were there with their sweet little 4 month old baby boy. Brett camped out with us last summer and Jamie who was close to popping at the time had come out to the camp-out for supper and bonfire meeting. I talked to Brett about Sober Float, he was concerned about having enough money, told him it wouldn't cost much because they could ride with one of us and there was always plenty to eat and for the most part we just brought what we could afford, plus Jeremy and I always bring a bit too much. So hopefully they we be with us for the float this year, they are a really nice couple of young people in recovery, they have that special light in their eyes which tells me they are living recovery.

A young guy from Kearney is in the treatment center in GI, he is getting out Thursday, a few of the guys spent time talking to him, trying to strength the seedling of his recovery, telling him they will get him to meetings.

The hall was filled with young people from GI, Kearney and a surrounding towns, I would guess that 75% of the people were under 40. This in itself made the trip worth it for me. I had some great belly laughs watching some of the kids dance, especially doing the crotch thrust thing, they were doing it for laughs too, mimicking current artist dance moves, everybody was cracking up. I went outside a few times for a smoke and to give my head a break from the hip hop dance music but wasn't disapproving of the music it because the people were dancing and having a good time. Yes I would have enjoy the background music more if would have been Skynard, Seger, Metalica, Human League, or anything from the 60's, 70's, 80's or grunge 90's but it wasn't about me. I remember going on deployments and going to clubs, getting drunk and really pissed about the music, bitching the whole time about the lack of good Southern Rock, Progressive Rock or early Metal, it was all about my taste in music and screw the fact this kind of music isn't really danceable. I remember leaving a club in Germany and wondering around, drunk out of my mind, some how the Divine managed to get me back to my friends and to the dorm safely because I was in a totally unfamiliar town and didn't speak the language. Once again sobriety changed my perspective and I choose to enjoy the night instead of focusing on the things I didn't like.

Jeremy and I are kicking around the idea of having some kind of social event in late March or April, kind of a beat the winter blues thing. Our idea is rent some rooms at a local motel out of our pockets, maybe one with pool side rooms, have hospitality rooms were people could mingle, plus they could enjoy the pool and hot tube. We thought it we did it this year out of pocket and the results were positive then maybe next year some of the local groups would spring for rooms and we could turn it into a district event. We have a district meeting next Saturday and I am going to bring the idea up to the group representatives and district chair people to see what they think. We have a lot of events in the summer, both AA and NA but nothing in the spring when people really start to get cabin fever. I ran my idea by a service buddy from GI last night and he told me to keep him posted and he would try to drum up support for us if we got something going.

Everyone had a good time at the dance, visited with people, catching up with some and building new bonds with others. I met one guy I was in treatment with, he has stayed sober the whole time too, we were really glad to see each other and a bit sad others weren't there. Ran into a guy I know from out patient treatment, I was aware he had gone back out, he said he had receive his 3rd DUI and was back in and wanted to stay sober this time. He took my phone number, so maybe he will give me a call sometime, the willingness is up to him.

One guy from Kearney, Kelly celebrated 1 year clean and sober at midnight. I joke with him about a new years resolution that stuck. He said no it wasn't a resolution, it just happened to be the day he ran out of dope, with no way to get more and was totally beaten up. He said he called the hot line and a couple of guys took him to treatment. I had seen Kelly a couple of times before, we hit it off last night pretty well, hopefully I will see him some more and build a friendship, he was another one who was shy about going last night. I am friends with the guy who took him, so when things come up I will remind him to make sure Kelly knows about stuff so he can be a part of.

I take recovery damn serious, I am a bit of a Nazi when it comes to steps and traditions, I use the Big Book and 12 and 12 with newcomers, try and shy them aware from other books which can only be a bunch of mental masturbation if they haven't gotten the basics of recovery started in their brains. But I am also a firm believer in making recovery fun, "we are not a glum lot". People need to learn how to have fun in recovery, learn how to socialize with others on the same path, develop healthy relationship which make breaking unhealthy relationships easier, this is what I was taught early on and it help keep me coming back. I believe we can balance the seriousness of working the 12 steps with having social events. Jeremy, Wendy and my other friends enjoy living sober, we try and show others there is a life after drugs and alcohol, one which is both fun and dead serious, one where we may be laughing our asses off one minute and have tears in our eyes the next.

I am grateful I have the friends I do, we are pretty damn open with each other, we are open about our recovery and about our spiritual paths. Not all of us share the same spiritual path but we have complete respect for each others paths, so the Catholics, Methodist, Buddhist and Agnostics mix really well in loving kindness for each other. Some of us shot dope, some smoked tons of weed,some did all of it and some like me were just garden variety drunks who would do other things just to get messed up but always came back to the bottle. No matter what our differences are, we have a common bond and that bond is staying clean and sober one day at a time, sharing freely of what we have been given, doing what we can to live in the solution and not the problem. We understand where our heads can go if we don't stay in contact with other travelers on the path, we understand the importance of meetings and of fellowship.

We who are in recovery have a great edge over those who aren't because in my experience you don't find this kind of honest and loving friendship in other places, well maybe some churches or temples, but not often in the work place or with neighbors, I never found it in any political organization I belong to and I was looking hard for this type of belonging. I have been removed of the fantasy of having a beer like non-alcoholics, normal is a cycle on the washing machine, because I can't fathom for the life of me just 1 freaking beer, so I no longer get mad about having an incurable disease. This incurable disease has brought into contact with some of the best people in the world, has fulfilled my need to find a place where I belong.

Well that's about it for today, I have black eyed peas and leftover ham in the crock pot. Mich isn't working so I don't have the kids today, so papa is going to chill, watch some movies and later take down the Christmas tree and decorations.

Peace Love Light
Scott

The Road goes on forever and the Highway never ends!

2011-12-31T15:36:00.000-08:00

Hey all. The chorus line from Robert Earl Keen's song struck me as a good title for a post. The road of life just keeps on going even on the dawn of a new year. The new year will bring with it new changes, new growth and new stubbed toes but it will keep on going, my part is to stay on the road, calm the mind and enjoy the scenery even if it gets desolate in places.

"If you want to make God laugh, tell It your plans", "you can plan the plan but don't plan the outcome", "my serenity is directly proportional to my expectations". So some of the things I wish to accomplish this year include buying a camper, getting on day shift either with this company or a new one, spending more weekends camping than I got to last year, taking a vacation east of the Mississippi, tilling up the ground on the west side of my trailer and seeing if I can get vegetables to grow. I hope these things materialize but if they don't my inter-peace will not be effected.

As long as I do the footwork to stay sober and clean I will continue spending quality time with my daughter, grand kids, family and friends. I will continue to my spiritual journey, with willingness I will gain more awareness, I will work on character defects and how they create blocks on the path of loving kindness and compassion. With willingness I will continue to work on selfishness and self centeredness, chipping away at the stone of ego and the big Me which is an illusion anyway. With willingness and a sober mind, I will continue to grasp a little more about non-self and the impermanence of everything.

Tonight there is a potluck and speaker meeting here, my friend Irish Brian is going to tell his story, Brian is a young Irish guy who immigrate to Nebraska to be with his girlfriend, I have heard bits and pieces of his story, it will be good to hear more of it. After this some of the Happy Campers and me are headed 45 miles east to a recovery dance, it is a good time to visit with people I only see a couple of times a year if that, this is the town I went to treatment in so maybe I will run into someone from treatment which would be a joy and blessing. We will finish the night out with a meal, watching all those who remind us of ourselves when we got drunk and went to a restaurant.

I think back on all the new years eves I spent holed up in my house, alone with my best friend the bottle. I was isolated and utterly miserable in my loneliness, the only thing I had to make me feel good was the booze. The booze brought on the delusion I didn't need anyone or was unworthy of love, it told me I was too ugly and weird to be a part of other peoples lives. I look back on that person now and see he was just like Gollum in Lord of the Rings. Gollum was obsessed with his Precious, the ring, I was obsessed with my Precious the bottle. Gollum's obsession lead to his death in fires of Mordor. My obsession lead me to a cold concrete floor with a steel door. Just for today I have a reprieve from my Precious. I live in a beauty shire, filled with love and laughter.

Well campers it is almost time to put the topping on the cheese cake, change into some nicer cloths, never know when I might catch some pretty woman's eye:-)

I hope all of us are able to accept the highway of life as it happens this year, that we find shelter in the storm and understand nothing is permanent, take the good with the bad, always have a song in our heart to sing and dance naked just because we can and it feels good.

Peace Love Light
Scott

Mouse traps and other things

2011-12-17T21:45:00.000-08:00

Hi all and hope you are doing well with the Christmas season.

First off I bought some live mouse traps. Living in a mobile home I live the typical mouse problem, little buggers find it much easier to get into a mobile home than a regular house. I really don't like killing things anymore, part of it is Buddhism, part of it is respect for all living things and how they have a right to live just as much as I do or my dog. Now I don't mind killing for food if ned be and can do it in case of emergency, say the world as we know it comes to an end, I haven't hunted or fished in years. Now my furry little friends haven't started gnawing on food as far as I can tell, haven't got to the bread or dried goods but they leave their droppings everywhere, kitchen counter, in cupboards, on floor etc. I really didn't want to kill them with snap or glue traps, so I went to a farm supply store to see if there was such a thing as a live mouse trap and yup there is. The trap is a metal box with 2 one way doors on it, you put peanut butter, best mouse bait, in the box, they go for the bait and can't get back out. They are working really well, I catch and then take them to work with me, the plant I work in is on the edge of town with fields on both sides, I release the mice there. They can either find there way into the plant, which doesn't put out poison, hopeless cause in a big plant or they can take their chances with the hawks and owls, hey the hawks and owls need food too. The first couple I caught drove the dog nuts, she kept waiting for them to get out, not sure if she wanted to kill them or just mess with them. It feels good to find a peaceful solution to this problem.

Paula posted a poem about hearing a bird sing in winter. Another change which has happened to me via spirituality is my tending of the birds. When my dad retired he started keeping bird feeders around and watching birds, I never saw what the big deal was all about. I couple of years ago I bought my first feeder and now I make sure it stays full. During the summer I was visited by starlings, doves, black birds and the odd blue jay. Now all that are left are the starlings, I suppose there are at least 20 of them hanging around my house. It may seem weird but I can sense their joy in having food to eat, beside the seed I also crumble up bread for them when it starts to get too dry for my taste, which is usually about 4 slices out of a loaf and the heels. I now understand my dad's simple pleasure in seeing them every day, I call them my little friends. Another interesting thing is the starlings don't eat the sunflower seeds or cracked corn, they scratch it out on to the ground, the squirrels come and eat the corn and sunflower seeds, plus the squirrels found a way to get into the food tote, well they did until I secured the lid.

I told someone my getting sober and changing my way of living was an accident, it was and it wasn't. I didn't want to get sober and live a life alcohol free when I went to treatment. I was in heavy denial about alcohol and my selfish nature being the root cause of all my problems. I was so sick I couldn't fathom a life with out my daily consumption of beer even though I had lived a life alcohol free for 9 years. On the other hand I was whipped, I was tired of being afraid all the time, I was tired of the disappointment and heartache I was causing those closest to me. When I entered treatment I was beat down enough to accept surrender and willing to change my life. It was this willingness which brought about the psychic change. I didn't accidental admit myself into the treatment center, I did it out of sheer emotional pain. I don't know if some form of God played a role in this, if it did it was the God of internal conscience telling me I couldn't go on living the way I was or if I did I was destine for worse things to happen. I do believe the force of love, kindness and hope found in the rooms of AA and NA kept me moving forward. I do believe that when people who share a common problem get together to find a common solution based on loving kindness and compassion there is a divine presence which helps all who are willing to do the foot work, reach out to others and share in the name of loving kindness and compassion. I have seen these types of groups work in the lives of others not just alcoholics and addicts. So I guess there are no real accidents, there are situations in life which happen which either cause us to look for solutions or to keep on living in sickness and self destruction.

Anyway those are just a couple of things which I have been on my mind. It is 12:30am and I need to get to bed, I wasn't tired when I started typing but now I am, guess I need to get this out to quiet a bit of the old brain.

Peace Love Light

Scott

Everything is good or normal

2011-12-12T11:26:00.000-08:00

Hi all, thought I would try and write a post just to update you all on what is going on here. Angel is sitting on the couch beside me, watching Quest for Camelot. I had her and Carter yesterday, Mich picked up Carter at 10:00pm and Angel spent the night, which is what usually happens because she doesn't want to go home. The kids are doing well, Angel is in the stage of telling papa he is going to buy her every toy she sees advertise on t.v. or if the toy is a boys toy then I am going to buy it for Carter. Carter is doing really well, so far he hasn't had any congestion or infections, last year at this time he had a lot of respiratory and ear infections, hopefully his immune system is getting up to normal.

I have all the kids presents bought, bought a couple of joint presents because Carter tends to play with Angels stuff more than the things you buy for him. He will be 2 on January 3rd, I had to find a birthday present for him as well as Christmas presents, wanted something special for him since I get Angel something special for her birthday, finally found an elephant which shoots small balls out of it's trunk, it will help him with hand/eye coordination. I might get a poolside room at a local motel on the 2nd of Jan for his birthday, I have the day off, so thinking of having a pool party for his birthday.

Bought Mich a pretty necklace which has "You are my sunshine" engraved on it, I will wrap it and put Angel and Carter's name on it. She needs a good vacuum cleaner so that is my present to her. I also bought a new laptop and will give her my old one. She starts college classes in January so will need a computer for school work, my laptop blew a memory board last winter, so it is only running on 1 board makes it slow but will work good enough for her. I am glad she is finally starting classes, the longer she waits the harder it would be to start. It will be rough balancing a part time job and taking care of the kids but she sounds determined, also she has back with Carter's dad and he will help watch the kids.

I am having Christmas dinner at my house. Since Christmas is on a Sunday, I will go to my home group meeting at 11am like normal, then my mom, Mich and kids will come over around 1pm. Not sure whether I will bake a ham or do prime rib, depends on if I can find a small prime rib. I don't care much for turkey and neither does Mich. None of my siblings will be around this year and my niece and nephews will be at their dads house. Actually it will be nice to have just a small family gathering, in the past we have always went to a family members for Christmas.

I bought a Suburban. My Explorer isn't in the best of shape, has a weak cylinder, plus other odds and ends which need fixed. One of Mich's friends is going to buy it from me. I bought Suburban because it will pull a camper without any problems. I should be able to get a good older camper this spring, like I said before, storms and the tent are getting to be a pain in the butt. I am also planning to take a vacation east in late September or early October. I have never really been east of the Mississippi, accept to northern Florida. This years trip to Idaho got me thinking about going east for a week or so, just take off with the dog and go. Of course this is all tentative, but if I start focusing on it I can put the money aside for the trip.

Work is going alright. We had 1 operator quit, so it is just the guy who trained me and myself running the machines at night. They are starting to look for help since we really start getting busy after the first of the year. It would be nice to start training new people now when we don't have parts needing bent stacked up all over the place.

So this is the excitement in my life, enjoying the lack of drama but as we all know things can change over night.

Peace Love and Light

Scott

5 years

2011-11-29T11:01:00.000-08:00

End of the Line

by Warren Hayes

And now the gravity of trouble was more than I could bear,
At times my luck was so bad, I had to fold my hands,
Almost lost my soul, rarely I could find my head,
Wake up early in the morning, feeling nearly dead.

I was never afraid of danger, took trouble on the chin,
Mountains I have climbed, that have killed a thousand men,
Spent most of my lifetime downtown, sleepin' behind the wheel,
Never needed anybody, I was king of the hill.

Oh, when I think about the old days,
Lord, it sends chills up and down my spine,
Yeah life ain't what it seems, on the boulevard of broken dreams,
Guess I opened my eyes in the nick of time,
'Cause it sure felt like the end of the line.

No matter how hard I run, I just can't get away
I try to do my best, but the devil gets in my way
Spent most of my lifetime downtown, sleepin' behind the wheel
'Till it all came down to kill or be killed

Oh, when I think about the old days,
Lord, it sends chills up and down my spine,
Yeah life ain't what it seems, on the boulevard of broken dreams,
Guess I opened my eyes in the nick of time,
'Cause it sure felt like the end of the line.

These are the lyrics to an Allman Brothers/Government Mule song which pretty much sum up where I was at 5 years ago.

First a little humor. I walked into Mich's house last week and she asked if I use the word son-of-a-bitch because her roommate and her don't. Seems Angel was doing something and got frustrated and said son-of-a-bitch, which took Mich and roommate by surprise. Here's the thing, this has been past down from my dad, it was one of his favorite expletives, so my dad is still here and pasting on his ways to another generation. Still papa needs to pay closer attention to the words he uses and his actions, there are 2 mini me's in life, little ones who love their papa and mimic him because he is soo cool :-)

So for the second time in my life I have 5 years of sobriety today, it was 5 years ago I checked myself into a treatment center because my life had spiraled out of control and I wanted to get control back. When I told my family I was going to treatment my intent wasn't to get sober but to get the heat of the family, job and law off my ass. The Doctors Opinion in the Big Book talks about a psychic change taking place and this is what happened to me after a couple of days in treatment. Part of this happened by rereading We Agnostics and getting spiritually grounded and having a 2x4 hit me upside the head reminding me that AA is about finding a God of our own understanding and not someone else's, even if they are trying to persuade you to accept their God, this was part of my fall out with the fellowship.

This year started out with the breakup of my relationship with Lady B, it hurt but accepted nothing is permanent. Understood the reasons and moved on. Understood I was probably more in love with the companionship and intimacy than the core her and life style she lived with her son.

Lost the job I really loved in January, this really hurt. It took a while to get over my hurt feelings toward the executive director, I understood what I did wrong but still felt she was overreacting. But I was wrong for writing about other peoples personal lives on my blog which is a public format. A couple of weeks ago she sent me an email apologizing for what happened, how she was in a bad place and listening to people who didn't have her best interest and my words were just to blatantly honest at the time for her to accept. I wrote back saying all was good and had turned out for the best.

Because I lost my job I moved back to my adopted home town, Kearney. Losing the job was a blessing in disguise. I now live close to my daughter and grand kids, plus back with my old AA group and friends.

My moving prompted my mom to move back to Kearney also, she is much happier in her little apartment, she has other older women to spend time with, her youngest sister gladly helps her out and they enjoy spending time together, my mom has a lot less stress in her life now, another blessing which happened with me getting fired.

I learned to humble myself a lot when I took the job of doing manual labor bending steel for 10 hours a night, 5 to 6 days a week. I learned it didn't matter how much management experience I have, there are better qualified people out there for the jobs I have applied for. I have a steady income which pays the bills and provides me with a bit extra when there is a bunch of overtime. I have learned to handle the sore muscle and accept them. I have learned to and continue to learn acceptance of supervisors who in my opinion are poor managers, all I am responsible for is doing my job to the best of my ability.

I have enjoyed plenty of yard work, something I missed living in an apartment. I have gone camping a few times. I built a shed, even though it isn't perfect, I took the time and used the appropriate tools and materials to make it the best shed I could with the skills I have. I put up a Christmas tree for the first time in a lot of years, I did this for my kids because for me Christmas is about joy in children's faces and not commercialism.

I got into a weird short relationship and learned something from it. This relationship caused me to really reach out to my backup sponsor for help and take a close look at how I react to those things in life which upset me at a deep intellectual and spiritual level. I have also had to look closely at me relationship with those I work with and find ways to accept them for being who they are. My new mantra is "yeah like you are so damn perfect" this makes me step back and smile at my arrogance and ego/selfishness.

I cried at a meeting when I felt over joyed with the knowledge I can spend 4 hours between the time I get up and the time I go to work without picking up a drink. In the last years of my drinking I could not , not drink when I had idol time. I am filled with joy and gratitude that when I come home at night sometimes very sore, I reach for a can of soda or bottle of water instead of a beer. I no longer need to self medicate with alcohol neither do I take a bunch of over the counter drugs to ease the pain.

Some have had a hell of a lot worse year then I have but still I am grateful that through all the low lows and highs I haven't picked up a drink, the compulsion and obsession has been removed, so long as I stay spiritually fit.

What is different about this 5 year mark than the last? My first time around I never really found a spiritual way of life. Today I practice spiritual principles to the best of my ability on a daily bases. Meetings are not enough for me, I need a spiritual path in life. I have also been more willing to share what is really going on deep inside with others. I have embraced living in the moment, focusing on the here and now, do the dishes, bend the steel, I have learned to breath when anxious, I am not perfect at any of this but I work on it and my life is wonderful when I do so.

Thanks to all my blogger friends for sharing their experience, strength, hope and lives with me, I learn much from each of you, you bring me joy and insight.

Peace Love Light

Scott

Thoughts on Inner Child

2011-11-13T08:01:00.000-08:00

Hey all, seems like time is really flying along, one day it was sandals and t-shirts the next it is boots and jacket, plus holidays fast approaching.

A couple of you have been blogging about the "inner child" which is an odd coincidence because this summer I bought a book by Thich Nhat Hanh called "Reconciliation, healing the inner child". Even though I feel comfortable and forgiving about the circumstances in which I was raised; lack of emotional stimulation and affection, mental and physical abuse, I thought there maybe more I needed to look at, plus Thich always has some great nuggets for better awareness practice. Here is a passage from the book I really like,

"I wouldn't want to send my friends and children to a place where there's no suffering, because in such a place they'd have no opportunity to learn to cultivate understanding and compassion. The Buddha said if we haven't suffered, there's no way we can learn. If the Buddha arrived at full enlightenment, it's because he suffered a lot. We have to come to the Buddha with all our suffering. Suffering is the path. It's through our suffering that we can see the path of enlightenment, compassion and love. It's by looking deeply into the nature of sorrow, our pain, our suffering, that we can discover the way out. If we don't know what suffering is, there's no way we can go to the Buddha, and we'll have no chance to touch peace, to touch love. It is exactly because we have suffered that now we have an opportunity to recognize the path leading to liberation, love and understanding."

Please translate the part about going to the Buddha into what ever makes sense to you. I feel this passage really puts suffering into perspective. Whether I am suffering from the effects of my youth, my alcoholism/addiction, relationship problems, character defects or life on life's term's . It is through suffering I have the opportunity to grow, to learn to better love, show better compassion and understanding.

I have accepted my parents as being the way there were because they were effected by there parents and ancestors, I have to learn to recognize that how I treat my daughter and my grand kids is a reflection of my ancestors as well but in recognizing this I can break the chain of wrongful parenting and suffering.

The kicker is the emotional wounds from others who abused me growing up haven't healed. It is seeing others who remind me of the abuses of my youth which cause my inner child to resurface.

As a kid I was bullied a lot, some by jocks and some by older kids who in hindsight were probably dealing with their own insecurities so they picked on scrawny younger kids. The jocks were the verbal bullies, always saying how big of wuss you were, laughing at your awkwardness and lack of coordination, intimidating you during the ugly and mandatory P.E classes. Side note; I went to a school were the whole population of 7th thru 12th grade was under 150 students, the few kids who were not socially accepted were shunned and picked on, it was worse for boys than girls because boys were expected to play sports all 6 years whether you were good or not. I didn't play sports, I don't have an athletic bone in my body, nor was I ever big enough physically. I could read and comprehend what I read, find insight in literature and the arts, understood and had compassion for social and environment injustices but that didn't count for anything as far as how you were treated by your peers. Most of my friends turned to alcohol and drugs as a means to be a somebody, to feel comfortable in our own skin, some out grew this others like me are alcoholic/addicts.

At work the welders are like the bullies of the plant, they are led by a guy I suspect was an ex-jock. They pick on the non-Caucasians and anyone who doesn't fit into their neat little box of what a man working in a manufacturing plant should be like. Most of this talk is behind backs but of course but it isn't hard to figure out these guys have contempt for people who aren't like them, it is in their attitudes and how they interact with others. They sit in the break room and are loud and obnoxious, make derogatory/vulgar remarks about different races, religions, homosexuals, Democrats and anyone else they dislike.

I have had a few run ins with the welders this week, mainly the leader of the clique. I really dislike these guys and have a lot of contempt for them. The run ins have made me reflect on why have such contempt and dislike. Enter the inner child. The inner child is comparing these grown men to the guys who use to mess with me as a kid, he doesn't fear any physical violence but fears not being able to counter their smart ass remarks with strong enough words to shut them up, remember I suck at quick and witty responses and dislike overly aggressive people. So how does the inner child deal with these people? He displays a sense of arrogance, he displays aloofness and he keeps his contact with them as limited as possible. Now maybe to some people this isn't a bad thing but for someone trying to live a principled life it is.

I need to acknowledge how my sick actions effect my ability to show love, kindness and compassion to all people. The Dalai Lama says the hardest people to show loving kindness and compassion to are our enemies, oh how true this is. I am no better that the bullies when I use intellect as a weapon of superiority. My talents are more cranial than physical but this doesn't make me better than them, yet in my arrogance I think it does and I put off an air to let them know so.

Thich's words are helping me understand how the inner child surfaces in different areas of my life, how the hurt little boy still wants protection. He is also teaching me how to heal the wounds and comfort the little boy, to speak to him and tell him the wrongs of the past can't hurt him now. Thich also keeps reiterating the linage of wrongs we all carry, that sickness is pasted on generation to generation and how we need to end the suffering by showing others loving kindness and compassion whether they return it or not. He talks about how to deal with being hurt by someone close to us and how to get rid of the resentments. I know this sounds a lot like the passage on acceptance from the Big Book, but Thich is going a bit deeper. What I need to do is try my best on a daily bases to work on loving kindness and compassion, especially towards those who remind me of the people who hurt the inner child. I have to be aware of how my inner child will react with bitter cruelty to any who see it sees as a threat. If people dislike me it is probably because my actions effect the inner child in them, maybe they were jealous of the kids who were smarter than them, who think outside the box, who experience life more fully because they are not afraid of people who are different than them, or things which are foreign and new. We may not wish to be like each other but maybe the fears which cause our actions come from the same place? I read this book during my lunch break, so some of the words smack me right between the eyes, which is sometimes the best way for me to take an honest look at my thoughts and actions, plus keeps everything in perspective when my mind starts going places it shouldn't since running the machine can get very boring, just focus on breathing, moment at hand, use breathing exercise based on loving kindness, compassion, getting rid of self.

Anyway those are me thoughts. I hope all are doing well. I am happy to read how some of my friends are accepting life on life's terms, your words help keep me grounded and also make me smile. Love you all!

Peace Love Light and a special Namaste

Scott

New service position

2011-10-31T07:32:00.000-07:00

HI all, to those on the east coast hope you didn't get hit too bad by the snow, didn't read anything on the news about Virginia and West Virginia so I think a few of you who live there got lucky this time. Our time is coming just don't know when, so far it has been nice.

Saturday we held elections for our AA district, the turn out was low due to the Nebraska vs Michigan St football game and the current D.C.M (District Committee Member) isn't very well liked in the district. Since I have moved back to Kearney I have attended district meetings even though I don't hold a committee position. Those who read my blog know how I feel about service work.

The responsibilities of the DCM are; represent the district at area meetings (in our case the whole state of Nebraska) they take to voice of the local AA to area and vote on issues in accordance to the voice of the local members, they chair district business meeting, support ideas of local members, communicate with the groups, make sure events are posted in a timely manner and try to generate involvement in AA as a whole. There is also an alternate DCM, who assist the DCM and attends area meetings if the DCM can't make it. Next we have secretary, treasurer and committee positions.

The majority of the people doing district service work have been doing it for years but over the last couple of years some younger people are coming into the fold. My friend Jeremy who is the treasurer and I were talking about how the district has become a bit stagnant because the older members don't connect with the younger members.

General rule of thumb is for the alternate DCM to become the next DCM. The current alternate is also not very well respected in local meetings, she is a very sweet lady but her and her husband tend to get a bit preachy and not keep their personal spirituality out of meetings, this is part of the problem with the DCM also, they both tend to imply more of a Christian God, instead of the God of the individual members understanding.

Prior to the meeting Jeremy was going to nominate me for treasurer which I was fine with if that is where the others wanted me to be. Jeremy had decided not to take another AA service position since he is involved in NA service work as well. We got to the meeting and found out the alternate is moving to northern Nebraska in January, out of our district.

I was elected DCM. Jeremy was nominated and elected alternate DCM, the reason for this was; a lady said Jeremy and I seem to work well together, Jeremy accepted the position. Jeremy and I are kind of the spearheads for local young people, we are the instigators for the camp-outs, try and take people to recovery events and gets events started, we have also both been involved in talking to the public about AA and recovery.

My niece who has 3 years sobriety was elected secretary, this is her first time doing service work at the district level. She is another young person who tries to get others involved. The guy elected for treasurer is new to district service work. We have 2 other people new to service work filling committee positions. Our corrections committee member rolled over her position and will be doing it for another 2 years, she is finally making some headway at the local jail, she enjoys area meetings and wants try and improve corrections in our area. To everyone's surprise the Public Information committee member rolled over too, he didn't get along with the past DCM but since his primary job is making sure meeting cards are updated and printed, he said he would continue, the job wasn't that hard and was comfortable with the procedure, he also has a good rapport with Jeremy and myself.

So our district has some new blood. We are younger for the most part, more liberal in some ways but with a deep respect for the Traditions. I told my sponsor, I don't know how much change we can bring about, this is up to the Divine but we bring a new enthusiasm to the district, we have a connection younger members and younger people in general, my sponsor agreed with this statement. Jeremy, Kristin (my niece) and I all would like to generate some events to bring people together, for fun and fellowship, to show people there is more to recovery than just going to meetings. All we can do is the footwork, we can serve the district to the best of our ability, you can lead a drunk to water but you can make him or her drink. Our sponsors and a few other older members have faith and hope in us, which is nice to have, they have offered their guidance and support. We will listen to the group conscience as it is expressed because we are their voice, we may have our own agenda's but our service is to the district and AA as a whole, we are but humble servants and when our ego's get inflated they will be deflated by the reminder that we are just 1 part of the greater whole.

I am honored to be the new DCM and hope I can serve the district and the fellowship well. I am grateful to have Jeremy, Kristin and the others with me I feel we are a good team, we will keep each other grounded and offer each other support. I am grateful for my sponsors and others who have taught me what service work is all about, the successes and failures.

Well I have the day off, Angel is here, she spent the night. I need to shower, then we are going outside to do a bit more work on the shed, yes it isn't finished yet, 95% done, I need to caulk some of the places where the panels aren't quite tight, the last thing to do is build a door. I am going with Mich and the kids Trick or Treating tonight, it will be fun watching them get candy. Angel is going as Snow White and Carter is a cow, we are taking them over to great grandma's before we hit the streets.

Hope all is going well with everyone.

Peace Love Light

Scott

There and back plus a bit more

2011-10-23T20:17:00.000-07:00

This is a picture of the elusive western Jackalope , Jackalope are native to only Wyoming and eastern Idaho, rarely photographed or captured.

This is a summary of the trip to Idaho, plus some other thoughts and stuff which have happen over the last few days. I woke up at 10:00am Tuesday morning, worked 4:30pm to 3:00am Wednesday morning, didn't go to sleep because I had to pick my mom up at 6am and then Angel, I drove until 8pm Wednesday night, about 800 miles, yup one long day. I was leery of letting mom drive because her eye was bothering her plus I don't really trust her driving in truck traffic and high winds, she just can't make quick decision anymore. I stopped every couple of hours to stretch, smoke, bathroom breaks if needed and I also kept my coffee cup filled. I drove as far as the first big town in Idaho, Montpelier, town of about 2500. All 3 of us were glad to be done for the day. We got to my aunts house around 3pm on Thursday.

Having a portable DVD player in the car was a God sent, I had bought a 2 disc set of old Loony Tune cartoons and Angel watched them over an over, plus she looked at and colored in the color books, when she got tired she let me know, turn off the player and crashed. I was concerned she wouldn't go with my mom to the bathroom but for the most part she was good about going potty with great grandma. She has only been potty trained for a few months but she is excellent about it, she never had an accident and even though we brought Pull-ups along for her to sleep in she was dry the next morning, I didn't want her wetting the motel beds or my aunts bed. My mom got the biggest kick out of Angel breaking out into laughter in the back seat over something she found funny on the videos. Angel was good as gold on the drive out and back, the only problem was her wanting suckers for stores and papa refusing to buy her one, big screaming fit which only last a few minutes.

Having my mom in the car wasn't too bad, we visited off and on, didn't talk too much about anything important. A couple of times on the way out and back she would bring up family members who had drug or alcohol problems, I tried to explain the obsession of addiction but like most people she just couldn't grasp how once a person drinks or uses their mental thinking and reasoning completely changes and we do things even when we know deep down inside it is wrong. A few times she would repeat the same things over but I am use to this, heard some of the story many times and just blow it off, she doesn't realize what she is doing, so I just let her talk. The one thing which did concern me was her over use of Benadryl, mom has fought allergies and sinus pressure her whole life, she has also become addicted to over the counter medicines and is probably immune to Benadryl and a couple of others, complains they don't seem to work yet will not go to the doctor for something which will work, medical expense have been something my parents tried to avoid, so even with insurance she and I are both reluctant to go to the doctor unless we are very sick, crazy mind set which is hard to break.

My aunt is doing fairly well for a woman of 86, she is on oxygen but gets around pretty well. She has home health care come in once a day, they check on her plus clean her house and do odd jobs for her. Mentally she is much sharper than mom. She is worried about my mom but knows there isn't too much which can be done. My mom's hearing even with aids isn't very good, which adds to confusion, my aunt really picked up on this, plus mom being tired a lot. Having said this they had a good visit still. Angel was very well behaved at my aunts house, didn't mess with all my aunts pretty things, my aunt got a kick out of her and I think Angel kind of help keep things going at times. I had a good visit with my aunt, asked some questions about my moms family on things I didn't know or quite understand. My moms dad died in 1954 and I didn't have a clear understanding of him, mom and I talked about her family as well while traveling. We had a beautiful drive in the mountains on Saturday, 200 mile jaunt, it was a perfect fall day, leaves were just starting to change colors, the air was crisp but not cold.

Angel and my mom bonded really well, this is what my mom was hoping for. Angel would play with grandma, try and talk to her as best as she could. Angel only sees my mom once every 6 weeks or so, so even though Angel knows grandma, she hasn't been that close to her, this trip made them much closer.

One last thing about my mom, even though she has some problems mentally and physically, she is very capable of doing things in her apartment without assistance. She is use to being on her own, it is only when others are around does she get overly confused or flustered, cooking, cleaning and taking care of herself are second nature and something she doesn't have to think about. My moms youngest sister and I keep a close eye on things and will know if and when the time comes for a different living arrangement for her. She is also able to drive herself during non busy hours or she will drive to my aunts house and let my aunt take her shopping, she understands her limitations when it comes to driving. The main reason she wants to continue to drives is so she can go to church and the occasional appointment to the doctor.

My stomach is getting better, still some slight pain which I will have to get checked out in a week or so if it doesn't go away. Wednesday, first day home, I got up and drank a pot of coffee plus had half a pot in the afternoon, prior to this I hadn't drank a whole lot of coffee, even driving I was only sipping on it, maybe only 4 big cups a day. Well Wednesday night at work I wasn't feeling very good, realized the coffee may be the problem, plus I ate super nacho's with meat for lunch, ended up throwing up at work, which made me feel well enough to finish out the night. Thursday I only drank half a pot of coffee and ate peanut butter sandwiches, felt a lot better. I repeated this on Friday. So the process of elimination is telling me, I have to lay off drinking so much of my beloved coffee, freaking downer man. I have laid off the coffee over this weekend plus kept my food fairly bland, both seem to help. Damn it sucks getting old:)

Yesterday we had a small AA workshop. My sponsor spoke, he talked a lot about stepping outside of his comfort zone, something he has been doing for 28 years in recovery. I reflected a lot on what he was saying and how he has taught me to do the same. He said he would rather be a fly on the wall but has learned what has help him grow the most spiritually in recovery has been getting outside the comfort zone. By this I mean, talking to people I don't know, speaking when I really am afraid to, putting aside my fear of being judged, going places where I only know a few people if any at all. My first instinct when walking into a big meeting or speaker meeting is to sit in the back of the room but he taught me to sit closer to the front. He taught me do service work when asked, praying for strength and guidance, by doing this I have spoken to crowds of people without messing my pants, saying what is in my heart and being o.k. with it. We are both shy by nature but have learned and are continuing to learn that it is by stepping outside of our comfort zones that has allowed us to serve the newcomer and AA as a whole better. This has also brought about a stronger trust in my Higher Power and benefits of practicing the Dharma to the best of my ability. When I get into a situation which scares me, mediation and breathing calm my mind. It really amazes me how I am able to do some of the things I do, how I have overcome some of my fears. Yesterday I had one of those moments of sincere gratitude, gratitude in knowing the 12 steps and spiritual principles are doing for me what I can't do for myself and making my life a whole lot better in the process.

Speaking of gratitude. I am grateful I was able to take my mom on this trip, to spend quality time with her, my aunt and Angel. I wasn't craving a beer at the end of a long drive, nor guzzling beer in the hotel or a bar on the way just so I could relax and sleep. I was totally there in the nature of the landscape we drove through even the desolate places. I was in the moment with my mom in the car, I played music for relaxation and not to escape conversation. I wasn't worried about getting pulled over by the few highway patrol cars we saw. My aunt drank her normal 2 mixed drinks before bed and I didn't feel the urge to join her, didn't have a craving for an artificial social lubricant. I use to have to drink to feel comfortable talking to people, today I don't. I am grateful I am able to get out of self, get in a car and take an 82 year old lady on what may be her last trip to see her big sister, yes I enjoyed the trip but it wasn't about me this time, not like camping is about me, something deep down inside told me to do it, I believe it was the 11Th step in action.

Well friends it is after midnight and I have a long day ahead of me, my Facebook friends will know why, so I better get to bed.

Peace Love and Light

Scott

Pictures at 11

2011-10-18T20:44:00.000-07:00

I am back home and it is close to 11:00pm. Here are some photos of Idaho, Utah and Wyoming. I will blog about trip later. Since I am not smart enough to figure out how to insert an image then post a caption, we will start at the top and work our way down.

Windmill farms of Wyoming; the land in southern Wyoming isn't good for anything, not enough good vegetation for livestock to feed off of and soil is too poor for raising crops, only in few small places close to a river do you see any cattle but in western and eastern Wyoming you are seeing more and more windmill farms, these windmills stretch for a good 5 miles in places, how wonderful is that. Along Interstate 80 there are frequent signs warning you of high winds and I fought winds going to Idaho and heading home, in the winter when it snow you can experience white out conditions which cause the interstate to be closed, oh yeah southern Wyoming and also southern Idaho are literally treeless, only thing which grows well is sage brush. Image being a pioneer on the Oregon trail having to cross this waste land.

Mountains outside of Ogden Utah; trying to show the beautiful orange color of the trees on the mountain side, going home we drove to Ogden then up the beautiful mountain pass into Wyoming. I lived in Ogden for 4 years in the 80's, nice place to live once you get use to its ultra conservative way of thinking, state is run by the Mormon church, separation of church and state does not apply in Utah:)

Next 4 are of the Snake river at Twin Falls Idaho, notice the high gorge, this is all volcanic rock, southern Idaho is littered with volcanic rock and sage brush, in the 2nd picture on the right side you will notice a golf course, I am not a golfer but to me this is one of the coolest golf courses ever, 4th picture is of a spring coming out of the canyon wall, there are 1,000 springs in a 40 mile stretch of river between Twin Falls and Hagerman Idaho. Once again think of what this must have looked like to the pioneers, doubt if any of them saw something like this in the eastern part of America.

Next is the Snake River valley outside of Hagerman, notice the canyon walls are getting less high and the valley has lush vegetation, great soil for certain crops and grazing. Before the white people the natives live here, farming, hunting and fishing, there are huge sturgeon in the river, the native people gone but some of the land they loved is still with us in its natural beauty.

These are hop poles, they stand about 20 feet high, the hops grow up them like pole beans, hops are a pod plant and it is the dust of the pod which is used in beer, just add corn and barley and you have what used to be my favorite beverage.

Last one of the Snake river, taken at Homedale Idaho, 15 miles from my aunts house, by now the river has gotten smaller and shallower, the local farmers depend on it for irrigation, the valleys west of Boise are home to onions, sugar beets, potatoes, corn, hops, dry beans farms, apple, grape and peach orchards, of course their corn fields are puny compared to those in the heart of corn country, Nebraska and Iowa. If we Nebraskans have nothing else to brag about we can brag about our corn fields and cattle;)

Next is a valley in the Cascade mountains north of Boise, I took my aunt and mom for a drive up there on Saturday. It was a gorgeous day, temps in the high 50's, the trees where just starting to turn red, yellow and orange, there was snow on the high mountain tops.

This is the Payette river just north of Boise, taken on same drive. Of course everyone one knows who the curly headed little girl is, she got mad because she couldn't see any fishes in the river like she could at the zoo but had fun throwing rocks in the river anyway.

All the mountain traveling made me crave for buying either a pull type camper or a small RV. It has been quite a few years since I have been in the mountains and really miss them. I want to get a camper so I can take a trip once or twice a year to the mountains of Colorado or Wyoming, both are within a 5 hour drive of Kearney. Tents are alright but campers are so much more comfortable especially if the weather gets bad or it is cold, at least you have a dry, warm, comfortable place to kick back and read if need be.

Well it is almost midnight, I am tired from all the driving, good 12 to 14 hours both days. My little dog is happy I am home and curled up on the couch beside me, I am sure she is ready to go sleep in bed next to daddy, she stayed with Mich while I was gone. Hope you all enjoyed the photo journey and didn't wear your scroll out going up and down between words and photo's.

Hope all of you are doing well, love and prayers to all!!

Namaste, Peace, Love and Light

Scott

Hi Ho Hi Ho its off to Idaho

2011-10-12T02:41:00.000-07:00

The medicine I was put on last week did the trick and my stomach virus is gone I hope. I lost about 8 pounds which isn't a good thing for me, I am already very slim and can't afford to loss more weight. I ended up taking the whole week off, I needed to rest, regain my appetite and build my strength back up, there was no way I could have stood at my machine for 10 hours. Upon returning to work the boss said it was still alright to take my planned vacation after only being back for 2 days, he understood last weeks missing of work wasn't for fun or DIY projects, also we are slowing way down. The next few weeks will be work 10 hour days 4 days a week, my week day off is Monday, it will be nice to have 3 day weekends for a few weeks.

So I am sitting here waiting for 5:30am to roll around, got off at 3am. I am picking up Mom then Angel. I have drank enough coffee I should be good to go for another few hours, drive about 3 hours then stop for breakfast, by then we will also be out of major traffic and mom can take over driving. I borrowed a DVD player for Angel, so hopefully the movies will keep her amused. Mom can drive in most of Wyoming and if she gets tired she will wake me and I can take over. We will drive as far as the Idaho Wyoming border tonight then the rest of the way Thursday, we should pull into my aunts late evening. If you look at the map, we will be going through Soda Springs and Pocatello, then back south and west to Caldwell which is west of Boise. On the way back I will swing south at Rupert, go to Ogden Utah then north to Wyoming. Most of the drive is through some really desolate country but we do cross through some mountain ranges which are beautiful, I have my camera handy so may get a few photo's for the blog. I will be taking a picture of the great Snake river at Twin Falls, there is an amazing scenic overlook there. Not sure what all we will be doing while at my aunts other than visiting but more than likely we will take a drive north of Boise to McCall, beautiful forest county up there.

Not sure if I will have internet service for my remote router, I think my provider has a tower in Boise, so not sure if I will even be able to get on line, may have to hit a McDonald's and use their WiFi while Angel eats a happy meal.

Well time to finish last minute loading, cooler and snacks. Hope everyone is doing well.

Peace Love and Light

Scott

Captive Audience

2011-10-07T09:22:00.001-07:00

I love this picture Mich took yesterday. I had loaned her my laptop and she was having troubles loading the WiFi device, so finally after a couple of fruitless phone conversations I went over to her house to get it up and running. Of course when I get there the first priority is Angel and Carter, I tried to mess with the computer first but had 2 grand-kid's at my side letting me know in their own way "we come first". Angel grabbed her Sponge Bob book and told Papa to read it. I held the book open in front of me so both could see the pictures and made up a story based on the pictures and story from reading book before, both kids stood there glued to the pictures and the story. Afterwards they went on and played and Papa fixed the computer.

I may spoil Angel and Carter but they are such as joy in my life, as anyone who reads my blog knows. There is instant happiness when we see each other, they rush to me, smiles with Angel yelling Papa Papa, whether it is at my house or theirs. Carter was so happy to see me yesterday, he kept hugging my leg. It is a really blessing to have them in my life to feel their love and return it. Very rarely do I have anything so important that I can't put them first and if I do have something I don't go around them knowing they can't understand why Papa can't give them his attention. I don't watch them if I am ill, really exhausted from work or have projects around the house which have to be done without interruptions or if there is a chance one of them may get hurt while I am working on something. Mich also knows meetings and most AA events come before babysitting, because without AA there would be no healthy Papa or dad.

Another thing which hit me is; this is really what being in the moment is all about. Stopping whatever the hell I are doing, whatever my mind is racing about and being in the moment with those who mean the most in my life. Be completely in this moment right now with our kids, grand-kids, companions, parents, siblings, pets, friends, newcomers. This takes practice, I still have a hard time being in the moment with people who ramble on, my daughter is one of these, I have to work really hard on staying focused on what she is saying, this is also a lesson in getting out of self.

Anyway this was such a wonderful picture I thought I would share it with you. Went to the noon meeting today, talked with a relatively newcomer I see on occasion, he is going through a bit of a confusing time. Since I am on medical absence from work, I am going to pick him up tonight and take him up north about 15 miles to a bonfire meeting and potluck out in the country. Not sure how much he will benefit from going but I know helping another by getting out of self and spending time with a group of fellow travelers will help me out a whole bunch!

Peace Love and Light

Scott

This, that and the other

2011-10-03T12:26:00.000-07:00

Hi all and hope every one is doing well and enjoying the beautiful Indian summer.

So I don't go to see a doctor unless things are really bad, last time was probably 4 years ago. Last week I couldn't cowboy up anymore and went to see a doc for stomach trouble, after 3 weeks worth of problems. What finally got my butt to the doc was 4 days of diarrhea and stomach cramps. My blood and urine test all came back good, so doc gave me a prescription for 20mg of Pilosec, this was Thursday, by then I was worn down enough I couldn't stand at my machine for 10 hours so went home from work sick. By last night my stomach cramps and diarrhea had become so severe I was ready to take a trip to the ER. I looked up the side effects of Pilosec and sure enough, diarrhea, cramping and nausea were part of them. When back to doc this morning, he took me off Prilosec and gave me a med for cramping and diarrhea, plus a note to get me off work tonight so my body can hopefully heal some and get my energy back. Scary thing is I have lost 4 pounds in 4 days, not sure how much prior to that. I am a fairly skinny person and can't afford to lose weight. I know I will back to normal shortly, I don't do sick very well and I hate missing work for illness. I still have this preconceived notion about how bad it is to be sick and I cowboy up when I really need to practice self care.

The doctor visit was good for 2 reasons; 1 I was afraid I had major stomach problems, pancreas, ulcer, colon or something along those lines, at 48 years old this stuff does creep into my head. I didn't panic or get too overly worried about what might be the cause of problems, the thoughts went through my head and then moved on without dwelling on worst case scenarios, which is a benefit of learning how to live in the moment. The 2Nd thing is my blood pressure is normal, this came as a surprise. I had been diagnosed with high blood pressure a few years ago but refused medication because my blood pressure wasn't sky high and also for me I do not want to start taking medication on a regular bases quite yet, someone told me once you are on blood pressure meds, you can't get off because your body is too use to them regulating your pressure. I am a pack a day smoker, plus at least a pot of coffee a day, I salt my food because taste buds are shot from years of smoking, so figured I would have high blood pressure.

I think mindfulness practices and mediation have paid off with my normal blood pressure. Both have allowed me to stay calm even under stressful circumstances. Practicing mindfulness and mediation has been something I have done to try and keep grounded, maintain inter-peace and serenity. I never thought another benefit would be my blood pressure. I am grateful and a bit awed by this benefit. Once again living in recovery has proven to be a blessing.

We finally sold my mom's house last week. It had been sitting vacant since April. This is a huge stress release for my mom, it was costing her money. It was also a relief for me. We took a loss but it is alright, it is better to take the loss than have it sit empty through the winter and have the expenses continue. I had to channel my dad's spirit to make sure I was doing the right thing by selling it at loss, I thought about different decisions he has made over the years and felt comfortable in knowing he would have done the same thing.

October 12th I am taking my mom out to western Idaho to see her oldest sister. My aunt is 86 years old and my mom is 82. Right now at work we are slowing down and will probably be slow until the first of the year, so it is the perfect time to go. Driving through Wyoming from November through March can be tough, it is extremely wide open and you can get caught in a blizzard really easily. Also to get to western Idaho you have to cross the mountains, once again this isn't to be done when there are chances of winter storms, so weather wise now is the time to go. Mom has been to Idaho a few times in the last few years but always with my other aunts, I have one aunt who constantly talks and controls conversations. It has been a while since mom has had a chance just to visit with my aunt one on one, so I thought I would take her out. My aunt is my favorite aunt, I lived in Idaho and Washington state as a young kid, my aunt was like a second mother to me, she holds a special place in my heart and I in hers, this may very well be the last time I get to see her alive, her health is iffy and so is my mom's.

We are taking Angel along to Idaho, I almost backed out of doing so but my mom wants to try and bond more with her. Also my aunt has never meet Michelle and Angel is a mini Michelle. Angel is at that age where she is fun to be around so my aunt will get a kick out of her. I have a portable DVD player for movies, crayon's and color books for the ride.

All which I have written is a benefit of sober living. Five years ago I didn't have a drivers license, so couldn't have taken mom on a vacation, I also couldn't have handle trying to control my drinking around her. I wouldn't have been trusted to handle mom's business affairs, in fact I shied away from my parents out of shame for the amount I was drinking. Any medications I was put on got messed up because they counteracted with the alcohol, I am not happy about having to lay off my beloved coffee but know it is what I have to do for a few days and I more concerned about my heath than my coffee, whereas I didn't give up beer for anything. My days of brown bottle flu are over, so I can talk to my boss about loss of work without him thinking it is alcohol related. Recovery and a spiritual life have amazing benefits, I hope my gratitude for these benefits never stop.

Peace Love and Light

Scott

P.s. I have nothing against others taking medication on a daily bases, some people need meds to live. Other than my natural supplements and the occasional pain reliever I just prefer to stay away from them as long as I can.

Ripping 2X4's learning about life

2011-09-10T14:05:00.000-07:00

Hey all, hope everyone is doing well and taking care of themselves. Really love this time of year weather wise, day temps in 70's, overnights in 50's. It would be nice to have it this way year round but if it did then I would miss the beauty of 4 seasons worth of change.

I am building a lean-to shed on to my existing shed. The existing shed is fairly small, some things are in plastic totes, and in general it is hard to organize anything for easy access. I priced sheds and large plastic storage units, cheapest I could find was $150.00 and it was only 4ft high by 4ft deep. I thought to hell with that, I can build one cheaper.

The existing shed is a concrete block shed, it serves as a safe haven against tornadoes, remember I live a mobile home. I am building the new one against the existing one. It will be 5ft long by 4ft wide and 6ft high, not huge but big enough for shelving, it will be my tool shed and the other one will be for storage, plus allow room to actually use it for a safe place to go if a tornado is headed my way.

I am not a carpenter. I sucked at shop class in school, the teacher hated me too. It was mandatory in my school that 7th and 8th graders take shop, I found out early on in 7th grade it was going to be a long 2 years. Teacher was a manly man, wrestling coach and I was well, not. I was very non-athletic, anxious, awkward with tools, impatient with getting precise measurements and cuts, I was also bookish and interest in social and semi-intellectual ideals. My lack of shop skills effected my relationship with other boys, in other words I was picked on for not being normal. It was in 7th grade when I started smoking and became more obsessed with alcohol and drugs, hanging out with others who were not socially accepted. Although I was already alcoholic by nature it was at this time I really started to feel the force of peer rejection, it was the build up to using alcohol and drugs as a way to make me "feel normal and fit in". If I couldn't be good at shop or sports then I would be damn good at drinking and partying, when I graduated high school my legacy was one of a hard party-er, music and social issue fanatic.

I built a shed at another place I lived in, I was sober then too. It was my first venture into doing this on my own. The shed wasn't pretty but it served it's purpose.

While cutting (ripping) 2x4's Saturday, I thought about how my building skills have increased and how my outlook has changed. I use to envy people who can use power tools with grace, take a 2x4 and cut it straight without the aid of a sawhorse, make things square with little effort. My dad was one of these. My dad had great mechanical aptitude but lacked the patience to teach me stuff when I was growing up, later in life he mellowed out enough to show me quite a bit, plus I have been blessed to inherit a bit of his aptitude. I have learned a lot by sitting on the side lines and watching my dad and others work, observing how they use tools and procedures to get the desired outcome. I have also learned a lot by trail and error.

I realized Saturday, something I have known all along but have not stopped to reflect on, the people who can do mechanical things with ease have had many years of experience doing these things, for most it didn't come overnight, they made their share of mistakes, it took them many hours of cutting, hammering, drilling and such to be able to do it quickly. I am not good at toe-nailing (nailing a board at an angle) I am having to do a lot of this. When I built my previous shed I used a lot of angle brackets to keep from having to toe-nail, this time around I have figured out how to do it, not perfectly but I am doing it, saves the cost of buying a bunch of brackets, nails and wood screws are a lot cheaper. The pitch on my roof is a lot more precise also because I stopped and thought about how to do it.

This is all similar to recovery and overcoming obstacles from our past which use to hold us back. I have in the past thrown money at a problem because I was afraid to do it myself, my 7th grader self told me I couldn't or, I have just not done something because I know I wasn't capable of doing it. I looked at others with envy, thought I could never do things the way they did, judged myself on how they worked or lived their lives.

I am who I am, I have strengths and weaknesses. I am not another person and shouldn't compare myself to them. All of us have had to live life by trail and error, we have had to make our fair share of mistakes, whether it is building/repairing/refinishing something or trying to live a life in recovery. People with years of recovery have sawing the wood in their lives un-square also. Each time we do something we hopefully get a little bit better at it, we learn from our mistakes, we accept we may not be able to do it perfectly. Each time we do something challenging it hopefully gets a bit easier. Do you remember the first time you chaired a meeting or spoke in front of a group of people? New jobs and relationships are like this also, we make mistakes, we learn and we move on. We may make the same mistakes a few times but if we have a bit of awareness, honesty, opened mindedness and willingness, gradually we stop repeating the same mistakes.

Building the shed is very much like my recovery. I am seeing how to do things which use to baffle me. I am stopping and breathing when frustrated. I am slowing down enough to take the time to figure things out, cut along the line slowly instead fast and crooked. I am doing things within my means instead of looking for a quick fix which I will pay for later. Recovery can't be rushed and neither can spiritual growth. For me it is a slow gradual process, with stops along the way to breath and reflect. If I build another shed it will better than this one because I have learned from my mistakes on this one. As I put another day of sobriety under me, I have hopefully learned something about this day or maybe week which like those with more years have done. I can gradually build my days of sobriety up, one day at a time, just like one cut at a time builds the shed. I look at my work and know it is my own, mine to own, it is not someone else's. I can't live my life on another's recovery, they have trudged their own road, so I need to trudge mine. I can use another's experience to assist me, just like building the shed, this is the beauty of it. I sit back and watch how others do things, ask questions and then try it on my own. I accept my short comings because I am aware others have short comings also. I am not innocent of competitive recovery, wishing I had what others have but a bit at a time I am chipping away at this block to spiritual growth. Things like building a shed are my God's way of helping me understand things I need to reflect on, once again to understand my strengths and weakness and how it effects me on a spiritual level.

This thought occurred to me after I wrote this post. Just because we have the tools doesn't mean we know how to use them! My dad gave me his tools before he died and I have bought some over the years, just because I have these tools doesn't mean I know how to make the best use of them. Recovery gives us plenty of tools to use but we need to learn how to use them. With sponsorship, meetings, mentors and most of all the God of our understand, over time we get better at the use of these tools.

Peace Love and Light to all!!

Scott

Paying the Recovery Insurance premium

2011-08-29T12:11:00.000-07:00

Hey all and hope my friends on the east coast survived the storm alright!!

I was blessed Saturday with not having to work. This allowed me to go to an AA district meeting. I have been active in service work in one form or another during both periods of recovery. I didn't know early on when I was setting up the meeting in the tin shed in Korea, starting the coffee and lighting the oil stove/heater, I was doing service work and in doing so I was paying on an insurance premium. From Doctor Bob's Nightmare; " 4. Because every time I do it I take out a little more insurance for myself against a possible slip."

In November we will be hold elections for district offices/committee positions. Like in a lot of areas finding people who are willing to get involved in service work is a struggle. I had been thinking about this struggle and suggested a the meeting we hold a workshop prior to elections on service work. The suggestion was accepted with one change, we aren't calling it a service work workshop, it will be called a back to basics 12th step workshop, since the words "service work" may keep people away. We decide to keep it short and simple; 2 hours, 1 main speaker, panel of 4 speakers and a Q&A session. We will have it at 9:30am on a Saturday in October, this is done so it will not interfere with the Nebraska football game. You never plan an event when there is a football game if you have any hopes of halfway decent attendance :-)

Here just some of my thoughts on service work. Service and 12th step work are first and foremost about getting out of self. It is about the paradox of giving it away to keep it. We/I need to share about how simple acts of service benefit others which in turns benefits me. I can make coffee, unlock meeting places, setup meetings, cleanup meetings, shake the hand of a new face and those returning. When I hear someone share they are new to the meeting or are returning from a relapse I can tell them I am glad they are here and keep coming back. These simple things take very little time and effort on my part. There is no conscience decision to do this, it just happens most of the time and I don't realize I am paying on the insurance premium. This is the simplest form of 12th stepping, caring the message and practicing these principles in all our affairs. We care the message with our smiles and friendliness which offers hope, getting out of self is one of the principles we try to practice.

I don't know about anyone else but our meetings tend to avoid conversations about basic service work, basic 12th step work. Newcomers should be coached in simple service the same as the other suggestions, my opinion only. It seems once people get sober, they get busy and complacent, they forget there are simple things all of us need to do to make sure AA is here for the struggling alcoholic, whether the person is wet or dry. I know people with many years of recovery who will not get a key for the meeting house, nor will they get up and pour coffee for others around the table. Part of me is angered by their arrogance the other part is sad because they have forgot about what it was like in the beginning and about the old timers who showed us the way by doing simple acts of service.

Service at the local, district and area level isn't that hard either, if one considers how much time we spent being self absorbed in our pursuit of the next drink. This kind of service may require one or two days out of the month. We have a hard time finding people willing to attend local jail meetings, really blows considering how many of us where once residence of the steel bar hotel. We sponsor 2 meetings a month at the jail and NA sponsors 2 meetings; alternating Thursdays. We lost our meeting at the local mental health hospital due to lack of outside involvement, people unwilling to chair or share their experience strength and hope with the patients, unwilling is too harsh of a word, it was more about being too busy/other commitments, not understanding the need for hospital meetings, same can be said for jail meetings. A few of us will say we receive much more than we give when we attend such meetings.

I don't know about anyone else but once in awhile I get stagnant with my regular meetings, when this happens I look for new meetings to go to. Going to a jail or treatment center meeting is a good way for me to get refreshed, along with new meetings with some new and old faces. I hit an NA meeting once in awhile for this reason as well.

In this day and age of recovery, the old 12 step isn't very common. It has been years since I have gone with another member and called on a wet drunk or really hungover drunk. Most people show up at meetings via the courts or fresh out of treatment centers. Yet the need to carry the message is as important as ever. People in the medical and social services professions still aren't really clear about who we are and what we really do, thus the need for continued education of professionals. We need to make sure the primary treatment centers, the ones local people go to, have current contact list and meeting list, also road trips to their meetings so people returning to the area know members when they come back. This applies to jails as well, released inmates feel more comfortable with a familiar face and warm hand shake. Counselors also need current information and need to be on friendly bases with people in recovery.

I am totally aware you can no more wish someone into service work than you can wish them into recovery. The best any of us can do is share our experience with people and hope we create a spark or two. The idea for the workshop is all about creating a spark, either with a new member or old member. Old members may say they have done their time, fair enough and understood, hopefully though they will pass the message onto the people they sponsor or are close to.

Stepping out of my low self esteem image of comfort and into service work has done a world of good for me. It has given me the confidence to speak crowds of people and professionals I feel are superior to me. It has allow me to make many new friends throughout the state. It has shown what true commitment is all about and also responsibility. It has allow me to do some serious 3rd, 6th, 7th, 11th and 12th step work. It is a teacher of humility, service work is about the We of AA and not the Me, its joining hands in the Fellowship of the Spirit. AA will survive without me doing service work but will Scott survive?

Anyway these are just my thoughts and opinions. Local, district and area service work isn't for everyone but let us not forget the simple things though.

I spend a great deal of time passing on what I learned to others who want and need it badly. I do it for four reasons:

1. Sense of duty.
2. It is a pleasure.
3. Because in so doing I am paying my debt to the man who took time to pass it on to me.
4. Because every time I do it I take out a little more insurance for myself against a possible slip.
Doctor Bob's Nightmare

Peace Love and Light

Scott

Mellowed out

2011-08-22T08:55:00.000-07:00

This is our campfire from Saturday night. We had 18 people at the potluck and meeting. Nine people camped out. The meeting and fellowship were awesome. The Higher Power has a special effect on people when a meeting is held in the great open cathedral . The sharing tends to come more from the heart; this could be a result of being darker and people being less afraid of others looking too close at them, the special bond with our God's which comes with being in nature, knowing this is a smaller group who are all gathered together for the same purpose, probably a combination of all. We had a woman and her companion show up who just moved to the area and only knew 2 people at the camp out, I love it when someone steps outside their comfort zone for the sake of staying sober, both stated the meeting and fellowship is what they really needed and left with more serenity then they came with. The guy who went to SoberFloat on his own came out as well, another example of being willing to do everything needed to stay sober, live in recovery and establish and new circle of friends.

I really love how the Divine works for 12 step programs. With our busy schedules, odd work hours and days off, it didn't look like we would have another camp out this summer. A few weeks ago the other instigator of the Happy Campers got with me about having a camp out for this weekend and having it 10 miles south of town at a state park. I was able to get the Saturday off, the rest of production had to work, others were also able to get time off or didn't have anything planned. We found a perfect spot for our tents, big enough area around fire pit for circle of chairs, nice shade and bathroom/outhouse close by. I had to work Friday night, so didn't come out until Saturday afternoon. Nine people were at the meeting Friday night, one of the newer members shared his story, this was good for him and others.

I took Angel, my 3 year old granddaughter, with me. I thought there would be other kids which there wasn't but that was alright, we were able to spend some quality time together. I brought some toys along, the over sized bat and waffle ball went over really well, she had fun trying to hit the ball and papa praising her each time she did. She played in the sand by the lake and in general kept herself amused. She never let papa too far out of her sight and was pretty clingy but that was alright. I was afraid she wouldn't go potty in the outhouse; she had a bad experience with a porta potty, she wouldn't go in it and had an accident which really made her upset. She did say it was yucky but as long as papa held her she was alright, she got to the point where she would sit on it by herself. Another example of the Higher Power or maybe Karma working. Having Angel with me didn't allow me to assist in the cooking the way I usually do but others took over without a problem.

In recovery kids for the most part are a welcome part of our lives and events. They are not a burden or hindrance. We understand they are a gift to be cherished, we have a responsibility to make them part of our lives, spend quality time with them when we can. I have noticed, with my circle of friends anyway, kids are welcomed and we all accept them and interact with them, ours and those of others. My friends interact with Angel and Carter and I interact with their kids. The selfishness of active addiction caused us to neglect our kids, they were a burden to our drinking and using. We had to stop momentarily to assist them or communicate with them when all we wanted to do was continue getting messed up. The selfishness of our addiction blocked out the joy of their presence, the understanding of their need for us and our responsibility to them. Today I understand how wonderful the kids are, how important they are to my recovery, even when they are keeping me from doing what I want, they are a lesson in getting out of self.

Work was better this week. Part of it was my attitude and level of acceptance. Part of it was communicating more with my lead man, filling him in on what I was doing, how much time I thought it would take me to do a certain task, this he was able to relay to the supervisor. I was respectful to the guy on 3rd shift and engaged in friendly conversation at times. I still kept to my machine and worked by myself. This proved valuable Thursday night because the 3rd shift crew changed some measurements, measurements which were determined by the lead operator, in doing so they messed up 69 parts. It was not a pretty picture in our area Friday, even with the supervisor not being there. My trainer, myself and the lead man were frustrated and confused as to why they would change the measurements on a critical part after the person with the most amount of knowledge set up the machine to make the parts within specification. I honestly felt sorry for the 3rd shift guys, their arrogance now will have them in front of a board composed of production managers and quality control to explain their actions. My trainer and I both explained the importance of the measurements to the guys when they came on shift, it is sad to know someone has such a big ego they are unwilling to follow directions. Reminds me of active alcoholics and addicts, even when we get into recovery we still like to fly solo until we understand our way doesn't work out and heed the advise of others.

I had a job interview Thursday and a farm retail store. They were looking for a receiving/inventory clerk plus an assistant manager. When I dropped off my resume Tuesday, I told the manager I was interested in the assistant manager position but from my experience most companies aren't interested in me because I don't have a long history of retail. She told me she didn't necessarily look at it that way. The interview lasted 1-1/2 hours. In the end she told me I was very qualified for the receiving/inventory clerk position and bring a lot to the plate due to my background in purchasing and inventory control, she also implied she was interested in having me do another interview with her district manager for the assistant manager position. I told her I was interested in the assistant managers position because it allows for more career opportunities. Friday I have an interview with the district manager for the assistant manager position. At the end of the interview I told her how working second shift was a problem for my recovery, in that I only make 1 or 2 meetings a week and they are for me and I am not able to give something back to the fellowship, via service work or working with others. She told me she has attended Al-anon meetings in the past and understands where I am coming from, HP in work again??

The store has 12 employees, so they are closer knit than a big retail store. Their primary customers are farmers, they sell; fencing, fencing supplies, corral panels/gates, sprayers, small farm implements, repair items for small farm equipment, livestock feed, livestock and pet supplies, tools, gardening supplies, mower, tillers, clothing which is mostly western fashion, same goes for footwear, they have toys like; tractors, farm play sets, farm animals, lots of John Deere stuff. They cater to simple people, I feel I can relate to and assist these people easily. I know if I get this job there will be headaches and stress. I will have to work weekends too. But I will have most evenings off. I needed the job in manufacturing to put my pride in check and my wants. With having limited time off, I have learned to make the most of it. The kids are little so I don't have school and other events interfering with spending time with them. I can ask for a weekend off on occasion if I ask far enough in advance. I will tell them about my planned trip to Idaho and the reason for it and hope they understand and allow me to go. The pay would be a bit higher in one way, I would be loosing out on the overtime pay, so a bit of crunching and budgeting will be needed, actually it is more about spending discipline because I tend to buy wants with OT money. Anyway I will just have to see how the interview goes. If I don't get the assistant managers job maybe she will offer the receiving job to me.

Well I need to mow and trim the yard, finish cleaning the house after Angel's visit.

Hope all of you are doing well. Kristin, I knew about the recipe but haven't had a chance to try it yet, thanks for reminding me and maybe next time I will, we may be camping again in September.

Peace Love and Light

Scott

Assertiveness

2011-08-15T10:59:00.000-07:00

Hey all, hope you all enjoyed your weekend. We have had cooler weather here which is nice. I made the best of my 1 day off by going to my home group meeting, highlight of my week, chilling out and watching a couple of movies, also had friends around to plan this weekends camp-out.

This post is for my sake, if you can get something from it the great, if not cool also.

I have been thinking and mediating on my lack of assertiveness in certain areas of my life and how it causes suffering. I get frustrated with myself because during certain confrontations I lack the ability to stand up for myself in the moment, I can't think quick enough to defend myself or state my perception. This happens most often with people who are more aggressive and have stronger personalities or who I perceive to have power over me.

This awareness and need to work on some form of change has come from my conflicts at work and also the conversation with the ex girlfriend. Accusations where thrown at me about things which I have not been totally at fault on. When under this type of pressure my mind seizes up and I can't think about a constructive reply. After the confrontation I mill it over and over in my mind, thinking of where I was in the right and in the wrong. Problem is it stays in my mind because I don't have the assertiveness to re-confront the person and speak my peace. This has been a life long pattern.

Where this stems from is my life growing up. My dad was a very strong and assertive man. He would stop any counter reply with an angry voice, evil eyes or physical aggression. I learned at an early age to cower when confronted by a strong figure. I was bulled at school for the same reason, never sticking up for myself. My life has been run on fear of strong personality types. This has caused unwarranted shame. Intellectually I know when I am in the right or wrong. Yet I lack the ability to speak up for myself sometimes.

This isn't a constant way of acting. If I feel a person is reasonable I do assert myself, I have stood up to bosses, friends, family members. I can do this either because I have known them long enough to know they respect me or they will not continue to belittle me, they may not agree with what I have to say but they won't hold it against either, we can agree to disagree.

Strong personalities in my perspective are the ones you have to walk on eggshells around. My dad was like this, never knew if something I did, didn't do or said would set him off. These are the people who I feel when confronted will either create bad vibes for a period of time or treat me as less than.

In recovery I have learned to keep my mouth shut to a certain degree and think before I speak, having mindfulness to know whether my words are spoken in loving kindness and whether my intentions are good or not. This is something else I have to work on, being watchful of foot in mouth disease. I have seen where my words or actions have harmed others, learned from them and tried not to repeat them, yet once in awhile I still do this. I have tried not to intellectually bully others but see where my being bullied has caused me to pay back those who have bullied me on innocent others.

I tend to use avoidance with people I perceive have too much power over me. Like the situation at work. My co-worker on 3rd shift has a habit of coming over when I am setting up the machine and taking over the set up. He doesn't explain what he is doing, just like a bull in a china shop he does it. Grant it he is faster than I am and more experienced but I know what I am doing most of the time, just slower out of caution, less experience and some self doubt which makes me recheck some of what I am doing. The guy has a strong personality and ego, this has been noted also by the guy who trained me but moved to another machine, periodically comes over to check on me and chat. This guy, Mr. 3rd shift, also treats me as less than when we work together, always running the controls/show, so sometimes it appears I am not doing anything, which I am not because I am waiting on him. When this happens if the supervisor is walking around it makes me look bad. Now I have 2 choices; one is to accept this, the other is to confront this guy in a proper way and tell him how I feel. I tried last week to distance myself as best as possible from him, this is an attempt to make my work and actions my own, so if the supervisor is around I am working on my own machine and my mistakes or achievements are mine alone. Friday night he was working on his machine with his trainee and came over to my machine, who my trainer was helping me with out of boredom, he started tell us what to do, now at 2:30 in the morning with a 1/2 hours left to work this did nothing but create confusion and animosity. So now I need to put on my big boy underwear and confront the guy next time this happens and tell him I appreciate his knowledge and will ask him for advise but to please leave me alone because he is doing more harm than good, maybe even throw in how he makes me feel very inferior. So I know the answer intellectually now comes the courage to follow through. Thus the mental conflict of years of cowering to strong personalities. Side note, my parts are always done correctly and I haven't had a reject in a couple of months, I may make a scrap part on occasion but it comes with setting up the machine sometimes.

My supervisor is an eggshell person, similar to my last one but at least with her we did have one on one talks which allowed me to express myself, when her mood was stable enough to do so. I don't know where this guy stands, he never talks to me directly, he has made general comments about our operations but never pin pointed who was not doing their job to his satisfaction. The guy is all about big numbers, getting the most parts done on a shift, which isn't always possible due to small orders. He told the lead man to keep an eye on my productivity. The lead man in all fairness told me this as a heads up and I was able to express to him how sometimes it isn't always possible to get big numbers. The lead man is in my corner thankfully. He sees the bigger picture. The 3rd shift guy and his trainee are pets of the supervisor, noted by lead man and other workers, so there appears to be extra pressure on me. When I have my next review which should be coming up in a few weeks, I will try my best to air out my conflicts. I hate being insecure about my ability to talk to my supervisor. I have had problems like this in the past but most of the time they have worked themselves out because supervisors know I am working as hard as I can and see my strong points as well as weaknesses.

Now what can I do about my lack of assertiveness and self esteem with these types of people? First off is to accept myself when I have done nothing wrong even if others think I have, part of this comes in the form of talking the situation over with my sponsors or mentors. In some areas I am very comfortable with me, my views, my stances in life. It just dawned on me, I need to take my faith in my recovery into the work place and use that same faith and conviction when confronted by others who are trying to shame me. I need to learn to speak up, it may not be possible to do so in the moment but for the sake of shutting up the committee in my head I need to do so as soon as I am able. oh boy see this taking some time. With mindful practice in time, who knows how long, I may learn to speak my peace in the moment, do so without sounding like a little kid, to pull forward the inter-strength I know is there.

I feel in the journey of sobriety things are revealed to us when we are ready and able to work on them. Certain situations have not presented themselves in the past because I wasn't completely ready to handle them, emotionally or spiritually. I have learned how to be more assertive in small doses. These doses haves shown me I am worthy, I am not responsible for others feelings. I have learned to handle fear in many different aspects. Life is showing me there are still many fears I need to face. I need to chop the fears up into small doable pieces, handling them this way makes them less overwhelming. I have learned to use breathing and mediation to handle many anxieties yet still find new aspects of life to apply this to, aspect which have a stronger imprinted on how I deal with certain situations. The road of recovery isn't always easy but it is rewarding. The reward comes from facing challenges in life, from lessening the suffering, in finding inter-peace in situations which use to baffle us. The rewards comes in not having a craving for alcohol to kill the feelings of insecurity, of not running away. The reward comes in reaching out for help, either from our God or others.

I am not comfortable with the answers I have found. Growth isn't always the most comfortable of things. I am comfortable with my dad's way of doing things and hold no ill feelings over how I was raised. The uncomfortable comes with knowing once again I have to step outside my comfort zone in order to make my life better, even if better means just accepting the things I can not change after the footwork has been done. I have stepped outside the zone before, I have the experience which tells me everything will be alright in doing so. This is just another aspect of my God telling me to cowboy up and do a bit more self caring. A dear friend of mine says "recovery is not a selfish way of life, it is a self caring way of life." If I care enough about myself I will do the things needed to make my life spiritually and emotionally healthy.

Thanks for letting me babble. In doing so I see things a bit clearer.

Peace Love and Light to all!!

Scott

Killing time before work

2011-08-09T12:52:00.000-07:00

Hey all.

While I finish my morning pot of coffee, my morning starts at noon, and wait for the time to put on the jeans and steel toe boots, thought I would jot some stuff down.

I picked my first cherry tomatoes, all 4 of them and 1 tennis ball sized regular tomato. The cherry tomatoes are in the upside down planter, the bush isn't all that big, so next year I will just plant them in a pot. The upside down planter was just a novelty thing and I haven't had much luck with it. Cucumbers aren't doing the best in the window boxes either, next year I will just have to dig up a spot and plant them in the ground. My flowers and elephant ear plants are finally starting to show some life, couple more weeks and I will take a picture of them to post.

I have had some struggles at work and finally realized I need to keep myself away from my co-workers who come in for 3rd shift, I start at 4:30pm they come in at 7:30pm. It seems they draw the attention of the supervisor and even if I am not doing anything wrong some bad vibes get sent my way. I am ultra critical of myself and don't need to play head games with whether or not the supervisor is pissed at me, the other guys or our work area as a whole. I also have to remember if the supervisor has a beef with me he can tell me, other wise I will keep doing my job to the best of my ability. The other side of this coin is the building of slight resentments towards my coworkers, something I know is unhealthy for me, spiritually and in recovery. Best way to stay out of the drama and line of fire is to remove myself as best as possible.

My poor doggie must have eaten some bad grass, got home the other night to find diarrhea spots all over the carpet. Had to use a wire brush to get them out of the carpet once they dried. Why write about this? Because this is what living a sober life is all about, taking the time to stay on top of things instead of popping tops and saying I will do it tomorrow, like 2 or 3 months at least of tomorrows.

Made plans to take my mom out to Idaho to see my eldest aunt, moms sister, in early October. Time to tighten the money belt. My aunt is 86, she was like a second mom to me when I was a kid. I want to see her one more time before she transcends this life, her health is iffy. Who know she may live another 1o years but I would be upset if I didn't see while I have the chance.

Have a camp out planned for the 19-21st of August just south of town. It will be a chance to have a nice bonfire meeting, good fellowship, good food and relax by some small lakes. The other co-leader of our camping group and I are having a flag made with our Happy Campers logo on it, so people can find us easier, we realized we need something for people to see who may not recognize our vehicles or those who show up after dark. Since it is close to town a lot of people in the fellowship can come out just for the evening. "We create the fellowship we crave", of something like that, don't have my Big Book beside me.

Self reflection and awareness are going well. Seeing areas of improvement and taking action and sometimes inaction to work on them. I feel inaction, like keeping my mouth shut or sitting on my hands is just as important as action. There are time in life when, "do nothing" has its benefits.

Mich is back with her old bf, so I haven't seen her and the kids much of late. She knows I don't like this but I haven't hounded her about it, it is her life to live. She has started a new job and enrolled in college, hope and pray both work out for her.

Even with the heat the days are lovely. Flower bushes in bloom. I have 2 bird feeders and enjoy watching and listening to my little friends hang out at them, they are like a pub for birds. The mice found my bag of bird feed so now I am feeding them as well:-) I have stepped up my practice of the "not killing precept" by not buying a fly swatter and allowing the flies to do their thing and just shoeing them away, all living things are interdependent even if we don't understand the interdependence.

If you want to watch a great movie rent "The Music Never Stopped". It is about a father and son relationship. The son has a major tumor which caused memory loss, he can't remember even things from a few minutes in the past, but he can remember the music of his time, 1965-1970. The only way the dad can connect with the son is through this music. Dad love the music of his era 50's early 60's but learns to enjoy his son's music and understand his son's life better. Oh yeah father and son had a major falling out, it has been 20 years since they have been together. It is a beautiful and heart warming true story, one which will bring tears to your eyes in a good way.

Well time to put together a couple of sandwiches and put on clothes more appropriate to factory work than gym shorts and bare feet.

Take care all and enjoy the warm weather, the bitter cold of winter isn't too far away.

Peace Love Light

Scott

Elevator broken, use the Steps

2011-07-31T10:51:00.000-07:00

Hi all, it is a warm and wonderful day here in central Nebraska, I day I hope I can visualize this winter when the cold north wind is freezing my skinny butt.

I went over to my back-up sponsor's house yesterday. The original plan was to start work on the 4th step using the Joe and Charlie tapes. Joe and Charlie are a couple of old timers in AA who got together to study the Big Book together, somewhere along the line they started doing their study with large groups of people. The studies have become popular within AA and my sponsor uses them as a guideline for working the steps with others. After we talked about certain things yesterday, she asked if I would be willing to go through the whole series of tapes and the steps again. She said she has found the tapes have been most helpful to people with a few years in recovery. My answer was sure. We have placed no deadline on completing the tapes or steps, due to our schedules, we will try and get together weekly but this may not always be the case.

As some know my sponsor isn't easily available and I have been mentally playing around with the idea of getting a new sponsor for this reason. The back-up sponsor is someone I see almost weekly at my home group and the person I use most often as a sounding board for what is going on in my life. Thing is though, I haven't committed myself to talking to one person on a regular bases. Some may think this is no big deal but for me it is. I need to lower my pride and face my fears. By talking to someone on a regular bases, I am allowing my God to work for me through others. I need to hear and talk about perspectives, I need to hear constructive criticism. I don't tend to make a lot of rash decisions but I still make my share of mistakes based on my ideas of what is best for me or my interpretation of God's will. I need a mentor because self mentoring isn't the healthiest thing for this old ex-drunk to do.

I am willing to work the steps again because I understand there is more which needs to be revealed. I need to look at my actions and thinking thus far on my road of recovery. I need to see where I have been right and wrong, to see the patterns and make adjustments if need be. When I had those 9 years of recovery in the past, I never reworked the steps. I believe in hindsight this added to my relapse. I have heard many an older member say they have worked the steps over a few times because life changes once we get sober and we need to evaluate the changes. Reworking the steps is a way of evaluating my emotional and spiritual sobriety. Working them with a new sponsor is an opportunity to get rigorously honest with yet another person. To say I don't fear another relapse would be a lie, I understand way to well how subtle complacency can sink in, how patient a foe alcoholism is. I go to meetings, I talk to people in recovery, I do a 10th step, I practice the 11th step and try to do service work when I can. Yet I believe there is still more work to be done.

In the last 4-1/2 years since I quit drinking I have gone through a lot of major changes and events. The stuff with my daughter, my parents, jobs, relationships. My spiritual path has been opened as well. All these things have a direct correlation on how I am living the steps. So when the suggestion was made to rework the steps, I was willing to say yes.

This is just what is going on with me. Just part of my journey I thought I would share with you.

Peace Love and Light

Scott

It is what It Is

2011-07-25T12:30:00.000-07:00

Hey all, hope everyone is handling the heat. We haven't had the wicked thunderstorms here like some of you. Yesterday Sunday we received 1-1/2 rain, which was fine by me, my plants needed watering anyway. Heat index has been over 100. The plant I work in does not have any AC, so it is around 100 most nights, I have a couple of fans but still sweat rolls down my legs, having to wear jeans and steel toe boots in the heat is the worst. But at least I have a job and the heat will only last for another month or so. I don't have AC in my house either but that doesn't bother me, I use fans. I was raised without AC and a lot of the houses I have lived in didn't have AC either. The lack of AC has kept Mich and the kids way though. I am glad last year I finally got in the habit of drinking water, I am sure it is healthier for me than 3 pots of coffee and day;-)

O.K. I told a dear blogger friend I would write about this new relationship, I just needed to wait until Sunday to see what was going to go down before I did. It ended. The reason was she said she couldn't be in a relationship with a non-Christian and felt I have some deep-seated resentments toward Christianity, resentments which were a powder keg waiting to blow. She is right to a point, I have strong dislikes towards any power which imposes it philosophy on others through force and intolerance.

From the very start I have made it clear I don't believe in a Christian concept of God or Heaven. She was constantly praising me for giving her new perspectives on spiritual matters and life. She would tell me I was amazing and how much I was helping her, even borrowed a book by Thich Nhat Hanh. I had a hard time with the praise, yes my ego liked it but inside it was scary plus all I was doing was sharing what had been given to me, nothing original. I shared my perspectives on suffering, how suffering stems from selfish desires. Since her son is dying from Muscular Dystrophy I shared about my experiences watching my dad die and my feelings when he finally died and how it related to selfishness. I made it clear that even though I do not believe as Christian do, I am cool with Christianity and other beliefs, I believe religion can have a positive impact on peoples live whether they are Christian, Muslim, Pagan, Buddhist etc. We spent many hours talking about spiritual beliefs. We spent many hours sharing about ourselves, the good and the bad. She praised how I was different from other guys she had dated, marveled in our similar taste in music and other stuff. This was also an attraction for me. I hit if off with her son with MD, he is an intelligent young man and talked about religion his and mine. He was concerned about my not believing in Heaven and Jesus, I told him that as of right now I don't believe but this could change down the road.

Here are my thoughts on the afterlife. I don't know, don't know if there is one, if anything I believe the spirit continues on, inhabits different human living forms and when the spirit finally finds enlightenment, it ascends to a celestial place. I also believe that maybe, the spirit goes where we believe in; heaven, gathering of elders or what ever. Honestly I don't know and don't worry about it. For me living in the here and now is more important. My spirit will go where it goes and since I am a human and selfish I hope it goes to a peaceful place or continues on until it arrives at a peaceful place. I think the afterlife is as concept created my humans out of fear, fear of never seeing there loved ones again. Sure I would love to see my loves one again those who have gone on before me and come after, but I just don't know if this is going to happen, this type of belief isn't within my grasp of belief at this time in my life. My fantasy afterlife is to sit in the big concert listening to Stevie Ray, Lennon, Harry Chapin, Jimi, Janis, Cass Elliot, Karen Carpenter, Nat King Cole, Waylon, Cash, all the blues, jazz, folk, rock greats. I would like to also finally know the answers to some questions; who was really responsible for JFK's death, what was Hoovers part in it,and other questions which have baffled man.

So 2 weeks ago we were watching Season of the Witch. The main characters are knights of the Crusades. GF didn't know what the Crusades were about. With a bit of venom in my voice I said they were about the Christians killing non-Christians in an attempt to take back the Holy land. Both her and her son caught the contempt in my voice and pointed it out to me. I acknowledge my wrong, said I have problems with the church killing people for a holy agenda. We also talked about the genocide of the Native Americans and how they were forced to convert to Christianity. Once again I said it wasn't anything against Christians in general but the people in power with an agenda. If we had been watching Cry Freedom or Gandhi and I had made the same contemptuous statements against white South Africans or the British, even though it is wrong to hold contempt against a people for the acts of their leaders, I doubt nothing would have been said. By the affection I received after the movie I thought my amends was accepted and the fact that I still have areas of spirituality which need improving were accepted as well.

During the week thinks were normal, good conversations, words of affection and the I miss you texts. Side note; during this whole time she had been telling me she has let me into her life and her feelings more than any other man she has been with. So the following Saturday morning, there is a hiccup with her hospice worker, worker showed up late, gf had an hour to kill prior to going to work, 5am. I was still up and unwinding from work and she comes over. I am not an affectionate person right after work, I am very habitual about cooking something to eat and going on line to read blogs as a way to unwind and relax. We made out a little bit but for the most part she rested on the couch while I read, we did talk a also. I had to work later that day and then we were going to a friends for a BBQ. I called her after I got off work and noticed she was rather cold. When I got to her house the coldness was still present and pervaded through the evening. We got back to her house and had a healthy discussion, it seems my ignorance about having a child in a wheel chair upset her, I made a couple of wrong statements and suggestions. When I left there was a very confusing vibe in the air. Sunday I went over to her house, cooked supper, watched a movie and we talked about what was going on. I once again acknowledge my ignorance, and told her I reflected back on how I was when my dad was dying and how protective I was toward him and also my mom, how this protectiveness sometimes put me at odds with my siblings, it was the best way I could slightly put myself in her shoes. She told me she had to put her kids first and what was left over was for me, which I was fine with because I believe kids come before companions. My perspective from the hugs and kisses I received when I left was that we had just had a bump in the relationship, that time and more open conversations were needed but things were good between us. Monday's conversations weren't hot but not cold either, other than a comment by her about how I couldn't work in the incoming homeless shelter because it was Christian based. To which I replied yes couldn't, I respect the work the homeless shelter is doing, just have a different perspective on things which doesn't make me right or them wrong just different.

The rest of the week was completely without any communication from her. I sent a couple of text messages to her, mainly saying hi and hoping all was well, basically my way of saying, it is cool if you need to work things out, I haven't jumped ship. Sunday afternoon she invited me over, met me outside the house, gave me the movies and books back I had loaned her and said it was over, due to religious reasons. She said her son with MD was upset with me and didn't want to see me. I feel she took somethings I said out of context and failed to say I most always saying things are my perspective and others have the right to their perspectives. One of these was about a friend of ours who has in my opinion neglected her kids since she got into recovery, she spends at least 5 if not 6 nights a week at either recovery or church related meetings/events, she isn't home and available to her teenage kids and because of this the older ones have got into trouble which includes a teenage pregnancy. When I talk about this friend I always say " I love her dearly but I don't like what she is going and how it has effected the kids". The reason I have a gut feeling my words were twisted is, when she talked about past relationships she always pointed out the negatives about the person and didn't own her part.

The hurt for me is; I fear I have hurt her son. My reflections tell me, I was very careful with my words, always pointing out how my religion and philosophy were mine and other people have other paths.

The other thing which has rattled my cage was how fast she changed. Literally it was within a matter of hours. She went from hot to warm to cold within probably 48-72 hours. This really confused the hell out of me and is still messing with my mind.

We both walked into this relationship knowing the religious convictions of the other. The reason I invited her over for supper was so she could see the spiritual symbolism in my house and also the social convictions on display. I have a wall hanging with Coexist, which is spelled out with different religious symbols, poster of Lennon and the words to Imagine, Einstein with an anti-war quote plus different Buddhist items including a 2 foot statue. I knew she was a Christian and church goer and her faith was important to her. I was willing to see if we could accept each others differences, start a close friendship which might lead to something more. This it did for a few weeks.

I had a long conversation with my back up sponsor Sunday afternoon. She has over 35 years sobriety, she is also in her late 60's by the way. Connie has had some of the same struggles I have had with religion and religious leaders. We also talked about relationships. I have a date to go over to her house Saturday, she is a firm believer in using the Joe and Charlie cd's and 4th step work book. We are going to work on a 4th step about religion plus more on this relationship. I also need to add a Saturday night meeting, right now I only go on Sunday mornings, my work schedule and need for sleep keeps me away from weekly meetings. By picking up an additional meeting, I am opening myself up to the newcomer and at the same time paying more on my insurance policy.

I don't want this writing to sound like I am playing the victim. I understand my mistakes and my quirks. I am writing as a means to heal, grow and better understand what happened. Plus I need to be honest with those of you who read my blog.

I am alright not being in a relationship. I enjoy the spiritual, emotional and physical intimacy which comes with a relationship. For now though I am just going to kick back and breath. Maybe let someone find me instead of me finding them ;)

Stay cool friends and thanks for letting me ramble.

Peace Love and Light

Scott

Sober floating, Sober camping

2011-06-27T09:29:00.000-07:00

Photo's top to bottom; THANK YOU district 14 for another wonderful Sober Float, our campsite, Niobrara river valley, river just down from campsite and last my camera shy dog Sweetheart.

My friend Wendy rode up with me, her fiancee Jeremy drove up in his car with a sponcee. We had a really good visit up, part meeting, part fun conversation. Jeremy's sponcee did his 5th step on the trip up. I enjoy roadtripping with fellow recovery people; always talk about what it was like and what it is like now, plus personal insights, lots of laughter and a bit of open heart seriousness.

This was the first 5th step Jeremy had done with a sponcee, it was wonderful to hear and see the effect it had on him. It is truly beautiful to watch people grow in recovery.

We made it in plenty of time to set up camp, have a chili supper and make the 8:00pm meeting. There is no time limit at camp out meetings, it goes on until everyone gets a chance to share, which is really nice; there were 34 people at the meeting. After the meeting with started the bonfire just as a thunderstorm started rolling in. While the others retired to their tents, I tended the fire and waited for 2 other cars to show up. Tending the fire in a gentle rain was a great time for me to do some mediation and feel nature. In one of the cars was my daughter Mich and her new boyfriend, by midnight they still hadn't shown up. There is no cell phone reception at the campgrounds, so I drove a couple miles out of the canyon to call them. Call it God or Karma but I met them just as they were turning onto the road. Once they got to the site, Mich quickly set up the tent, telling bf, who is not a camper, what to do to help, something I found quite amusing, yep she is my kid.

Saturday morning dawned sunny and beautiful. After the tradition breakfast of breakfast burritos, I fry the meat ahead of time and scramble the raw eggs so all I have to do is fry the mixture up, then warm the tortilla's, quick and easy breakfast everybody likes. We got to the launch site at 9:30am. One guy from Kearney, Francis, with about 18 months sobriety ventured the 200 miles on his own, he was a virgin to the whole AA camping and Sober Float experience, he decided to step out side his comfort zone, took the chance and showed up. Francis was going to float on this own but I suggested he tie up with us which he did. We tied 6 tubes together with a cooler tube in the middle. The cooler held, water, Gatorade, smokes, lighters and cameras in a plastic container. The water temperature was brisk but not freezing. There were 4 relatively newcomers tied with us, we shared about ourselves, lots of laughs and perspectives. An hour and a half into the float we stopped at Smith Falls, the biggest waterfall in Nebraska, something like 100 ft. Smith Falls is a common stop on the river, place to use a bathroom, have a picnic and see the beautiful waterfall, stand under the freezing water. For sober alcoholics it is also a great place to get a flashback of what we were once like.

The river is crowded with plenty of people drinking beer and other alcoholic beverages. Some are very loud, others just mind there own business and drink. At the falls, you get to watch people stumble along, listen to stupid alcohol induced conversations, things we use to do. Some of it was sad, like a few young women who were drunk out of their minds, it was only about 11:00am. Nick and I talked about how many light weights there were, how we drank so heavy a 12 pack had little effect on us. This isn't bragging, this is the sad truth of where our addiction took us. Watching others drink on the river is always a good reminder of why we can't and don't want to drink again. Even Mich and bf who are not active in recovery, they still drink, noticed how much better it was to float the river sober.

We landed at the half way point, campground for Sober Float around noon. There is a lunch of burgers, hot dogs, salads and such provided by district 14. After lunch most people get back on the river and do the 3-1/2 hour float which concludes the days floating. I had been in the second half of the float before, it is just as beautiful and peaceful as the first half. This year I decided to forgo the second half, go back to the campsite, clean up dishes, gather firewood and then take a drive along the river and also go into the town of Valentine for ice, plus wanted to call Teresa (new girlfriend) and talk to her, I missed her not being able to come. Mich's bf said he had enough sun for one day and stayed back as well. I asked him if he wanted to go for a ride with me and he did. We had a nice visit while driving, stopped at a scenic lookout. He mentioned he was glad he came, he had never experience this beautiful part of Nebraska before. I didn't talk to him much about recovery, figured he was surrounded by people living in recovery and the message would come through loud and clear without a word being said.

Evening brought a potluck supper and another meeting. One of the guys from Kearney who lives in a three quarter way house, brought his little sister up, it was her 12th birthday and his present to her was tubing and camping, he shared how this was one of the best things he had done in his young life and was so grateful he was clean and sober. The final count for Sober Float was 54 people, many of them newcomers. I think I got as much out of the newcomers being there as they did. It is a joy to watch people realize they can have fun in recovery, to experience "we are not a glum lot, we insist on having fun"!

It started raining once again after the meeting. This time most of my group took a 25 mile road trip to a casino in South Dakota. Me not being a gambler stayed behind, built a big fire and once again took time to mediate. I also laid down and read for a bit, then got a good nights sleep. The gentle sound of rain on the tent was just the right thing to hear while following asleep. Next morning we started a roaring fire, drank a couple of pots of good campfire coffee and loaded up. Another storm move in just as we finished loading. I had a different person ride back with me and again it was good conversation.

We got back to Kearney at 2:30pm. Teresa came over and we had a nice visit while I put things away. My relationship with Teresa is growing, we have much more in common than I did with Lady B. We have common taste in music and movies, both like to read and also our drinking and up-brings are similar. Both come from families where emotions were not expressed with the exception of anger. I met her boys on Tuesday and we really hit it off as well. I will write more on this later.

My yearly journey to Sober Float is something I really enjoy. I love the peacefulness of floating down the river, spending quality time with the God of my understanding. I enjoy the fellowship, the love, laughter and support. It is a time of mindfulness and reflection.

When we got back, Wendy, who is not a tent camper but stepped outside her comfort zone, Jeremy bought a nice tent, even had a battery operated ceiling fan in it, trying to make the experience of sleeping in a tent more comfortable for her, said we need to do another camp out. In the past Wendy and Jeremy have stayed in cabins when we camp, so she has been a part of the camping experience. Anyway, she said she missed not having our bonfire meetings, meetings among our small group of campers, close friends who really open up sitting around a fire surrounded by nature. It was decide we would have a camp out later this summer at a state park a few miles south of Kearney. This will allow others the ability to join us without having to drive very far, be easier for those of us who work second shift or Saturday's. I thought it was really cool she was the one who brought up the idea of camping again, usually it is Jeremy or I who instigate this.

Well friends, this has taken my a week to write. Today is the 4th of July. I am taking my mom and Angel to my home town for the annual parade this morning, I haven't been to the parade in a long time, mom and I will enjoy the parade seeing old friends and Angel will like the candy and abundance of horses. Today is also Angel's 3rd birthday, so this afternoon we are having a party for her. Angel has been a special gift from God to me, she has given me a chance to grow in more ways than I can count.

Peace Love and Light

Keeping Gratitude Alive

2011-06-19T07:22:00.000-07:00

A couple of weeks ago I bought a copy of the AA Grapevine collection book called "Spiritual Reflections II". It is a collection of articles from the Grapevine magazine about peoples spiritual experiences. I have read the first volume a couple of times and was glad to see a new one out. I like to hear about others experiences in recovery and life, whether it is an article in a magazine, something shared at a meeting or posted on a blog. The reason "he not busy being born is busy dying" is one of my favorite phrases is; I always have more to learn in life, more to reflection on and more changes to make. If I stop growing spiritually, I will die spiritually, I will become bitter, more egotistical than I already am and a self absorbed asshole who isn't servicing the Divine purpose of life.

One of the writers talked about "keeping gratitude alive". She was saying it wasn't simply enough for her to make a gratitude list, she said she could get complacent with the list because it was routine and she realized she wasn't putting gratitude in action during her hours awake. I liked this and thought, wow another thing for more mindfulness daily reflection.

Yes I am happy a large portion of my day but do I reflect on this happiness as gratitude or do I just accept it as part of life?

I have a habit of saying "thank you" to whatever Divine power there may be when good things happen during the day; a green traffic light when I am in a hurry, remembering something at the right time, a accident prevented which could have created a mess or slight injury, a notion on a better way of doing something thus saying time and money. These are acts of gratitude in the moment.

I love watching the birds eat out of my feeders, I need to remember I am blessed with eye sight to see this. The other morning I heard the black birds making a racket, so I went to the window to see what the fuss was about, figured they were picking on the starlings and finches again. One black bird was taking sunflower seeds to it's mate who was a few feet away bathing in a puddle of water, I can only imagine one was telling the other to hurry up with the food. I was privileged to witness this and have the mindfulness to notice the beauty of nature.

Keeping gratitude alive for me means, acknowledging the gifts I have been given. To understand my head is clear enough to really see things in life, to feel things and to know I don't have it so bad. My knees have been really hurting me the last week or so, instead of complaining I need to be grateful I am still able to do my job, even with a knee brace, others are less fortunate.

It is true nothing in life is permanent and I shouldn't become attached to anything in life. If I lose what I am attached to, I need to still able to remain peaceful even in the face of calamity, mindfulness and mediation are the tools for this for me. Not saying I don't get upset but after careful reflection I can bring myself back to the impermanence of life, it might take a few days for this to happen, it all depends on how soon I am willing to let go of the attachment. Yet I need to feel in my heart a since of gratitude for the wonderful things in my life, for the gifts and not as my sponsor says, minimize too much. I have to work on finding a balance with being humble; to share beauty and insight as a gift, I have been given the gift, I can't take credit for it yet I need to share it and take complements gracefully from others and not minimize my part in the gift, if that makes sense.

The first half of this post was written prior to go to my Sunday morning home group. Bring Fathers day and also due to the death of Clarence Clemons, I was already in a sentimental mood. I was reflecting on my dad and how I missed him, reflecting on how much joy the Big Man brought to the world and also what keeping gratitude alive means. I shared how it is automatic for me to feel gratitude at night when I get home from work and go for a cold bottle of water or ginger ale, how to me this is such a great change and how the obsession to drink alcohol has been lifted. What has really kicked in the last couple of days is the realization I naturally do this in the mornings too. When I was drinking if I had a few hours of idle time prior to work I would start drinking beer or wine. My eyes were teary during the whole meeting because I was filled with such gratitude over how my life has change and how the obsession has been lifted. The thought of drinking in the morning is completely gone, I had forgotten how bad I was and how I couldn't have any idle time without having a drink in my hand. I share easily about a lot of the damage and severity of my active alcoholism but the reality of morning drinking never really hit home until Sunday morning and I couldn't hold back the tears. I was blessed my sponsor was at the meeting for a change, I told him of the experience and also a close friend. My sponsor told me this is the an act of gratitude I really need to share with others, we are never to old or to young in recovery to hear about others experiences.

Saturday evening I had my friend over for supper, she is the one who's son in dying. Earlier in the week I had debated asking her for supper. I realized I needed to ask, there seemed to be a connection, and leave the decision up to her. Yes she is going through a really rough time in life and after putting her life on hold for a few months has started to doing things for herself. So who I am I to think she didn't need my company and someone to talk to. I told her honestly I had mixed emotions, but realized I was enabling her in the grief and reality process if I didn't reach out. We had a really good evening. We have a lot in common, lot more then Lady B and I did, but I had to have the relationship with Lady B to understand more about me and relationships. We shared laughter and she shared tears, we shared commonalities of alcoholism. She was looking through my music collection, identifying artist she liked, when she said the Indigo Girls I was shocked. The Indigo Girls are not very well known in this part of Nebraska, they aren't commercial and are radio stations are very much geared toward commercial artist, even the classic rock stations. Don't know where this relationship will go but for now we going to start building the friendship. When we talked Sunday afternoon I told her of my concerns about rushing into things too fast, how sex can really mess things up and cause a lot of emotional pain if it is too soon, she agreed and told me she was a bit relived to hear this. We are both sharing about ourselves from the heart, I feel this is the best way to start a relationship. Any how thought I would let you in on this.

Well I need to get in the shower. A buddy is coming over to set up his new tent and water proof it. Friday we are headed up north for our camp out and river run.

Prayers, blessings and love to all!!

Peace Love Light

Scott

Not Much to say, well maybe??

2011-06-11T21:25:00.000-07:00

Last Saturday and this Saturday have been fellowship days. Last Saturday was the state reunion. This is an event were the delegate gives his report from GSO, it is also 3 days of speakers and fellowship. I wasn't certain I was going to make it, didn't know until Friday night if I had the day off or not, so my expectations were not very high. I enjoy the reunion because it gives my a chance to visit with people from around the state who I only see once or twice a year. The beauty of doing service work is I was allow to meet some really wonderful people in AA from other cities and towns, I cherish the times I get to visit with them for a few minutes. I hardly ever get to see my sponsor anymore, last Saturday I was able to visit with him for a few minutes and be reminded of why I truly admire this man and his outlook on recovery. He is a man of few words but when he speaks he cuts the fat off hog and gets to the point, in a very leveled headed and pragmatic way. A couple of months ago he went to South Dakota to attend a conference on Native Americans and AA, he said the problem is plain and simple, we are prejudice. AA's are just as guilty of pushing our way of doing meetings on Natives as all white people have been about pushing the white way on Natives, in other words, AA is doing the same missionary and cultural change bullshit as everyone else.

My favorite quote from the speakers comes from a dear friend of mine who said "treatment centers are the appetizer, the program of recovery outlined in the Big Book and meetings are the main course."

Today the local Al-Anon's had a hot dog and ice cream social to celebrate 70 years of Al-Anon. It was nice to visit with people, some I haven't seen in a while. One was a lady I have been milling over trying to see if she wanted to spend some time with me, we talked and she told me to call her sometime and we would go do something. A friend of mine was the AA/NA speaker, on the outside she comes across as a tough nut but she broke down in tears a couple of times talking about her neglect of her daughters who she loves dearly, it was powerful and I could so relate. AA's tend to make jokes about Al-Anon, one of the speakers did this last Saturday, and I don't appreciate it. I have a lot of respect for anyone who has lived with a sick person and become sick themselves, granted part of their make up is co-dependency and people pleasing, just as we are obsessed with alcohol, these women and men have had to change their way of life just as much as we have. I think it is great when people start taking care of themselves, focusing on their own suffering and take action to become better humans, even if it doesn't always make other people happy. Emotional recovery is emotional recovery and I applaud anyone who is on this path. It is the Al-Anon's who have taught the AA/NA's about enabling and people pleasing, how we are just as guilty of kissing ass in a relationship at the expense of our own emotional well being in order to not rock the boat.

I am really starting to appreciate how getting fired from my last job was a good thing with positive outcomes. Mich could have survived the breakup with the boyfriend without me being only a couple of miles a way but it has brought us back together as a family. Carter is now a Papa's boy, the other day I walked into the house and Angel came running up to me as usual and Carter was right behind her crawling as fast as he could. Little toad is in the stage of messing with everything, I have finally surrendered keeping my CD's in alphabetical order because he just pulls them out again, we try and catch him before he goes for them but he moves very fast and you can't watch him 100% of the time. He understands the word "no" and is good about stopping what he is doing when you tell him "no" but like all toddlers he is persistent to play with things he isn't suppose to. Angel has just been potty trained and makes a point of announcing when she has used the potty. She has also proclaimed herself as my little helper, she helps me fill the bird feeders, tries to help me in the garden and grabs my tools and fixes things. If I was still living in North Platte working at the old job I would be missing out on these wonderful things and having Mich hang around the house because she enjoys the company of her old man, that and he has internet service and she doesn't.

I also realize I was neglecting my recovery some in North Platte. I wasn't into fellowship there and never found a home group. My job was 8-10 hours a day of working with mental illness and by the end of the day, I just wanted to spend some time alone. Spiritual practices keep me from picking up the first drink and also reasonably serene. Coming back here has brought the fellowship of other travels back into my life, the joy, laughter and heartache we share together. I am back to be committed to my Sunday morning home group, a place I belong with people who know me inside and out.

Doing manual labor again has also been good for me. At first it was the humbling experience of not being in management. Then it was the joy of realizing I don't have to worry about anyone but me, no emails to reply to, no one on one talks with employees about their performance, no issues with my honest appraisal of things being taken the wrong way; certain aspects of honesty are not appreciated by people who don't work the steps or live a spiritual life, duh. The heavy lifting has gotten easier, I surprise myself in being able lift, spin and lift again 45 pound parts for hours at a night. I am still looking for work in inventory control or basic purchasing but for now, I am alright with what I am doing.

Other than my garden doing really good in the pots, not much else, well there is but I won't bore you with it. I am grateful as always to be sober and enjoying life, for the people in my life and the experiences I have, experiences which allow for change and more awareness.

Hope all in enjoying the summer!!

Peace Love Light

Not Self

2011-05-29T07:05:00.000-07:00

Hi all!! The photos are from Fort McPherson national cemetery. The top one is George, who was a much loved figure in AA and the bottom one is my dad's.

This isn't a post about the Buddhist concept of Not Self in a traditional way. I don't have enough experience or knowledge of the concept to really explain it. I focus on the concept on occasion but it isn't ingrained in my mindfulness quite yet.

When I think about the people in my life, I think about their influence. Their influence is a part of me. By them being a part of me, then there is no true or original me. Scott is a mixture of other people, some are ancestors I never met, others are the authors, artist and world figures who's lives and words have had an effect on me and then there are those I have had direct contact with, like George and my dad.

George was a character. He was an older bachelor, not the most hygienic person which was part who he was. Most people remember George for his grunting, he would grunt while talking. He was also a chain smoker, back when you could still smoke at meetings George usually had a cigarette lit. George was a chronic alcoholic, he was on of those guys in town who was hired for oddball jobs because during his active alcoholism he couldn't be counted on for long periods of time, unfortunately this stigma followed him in recovery, he didn't mind but others thought he got ripped off on occasion by locals hiring him to help roof a house or other things. George was old enough when he got sober, I seriously doubt he cared much about having a steady job, he enjoyed being able to go have coffee in the afternoons. George always took the time to greet people at meetings, especially new comers, always a friendly smile and a warm hand shake. He love the ladies and liked to tease them, he wasn't a perv, he was sweet and nice in his affection without being overbearing or dangerous. When I moved back to Nebraska in 1992, I use to go and have coffee with George and one armed Bill in the afternoons. George and Bill where a team, Bill use to get upset with George but loved him like a brother. These old boys would sit and tell stories of their lives, it was fascinating to listen to, my drinking career was nothing compared to theirs. Neither really talked the Big Book, although Bill was fairly intelligent, George not so much but they lived the Big Book. They know what it was like to hit rock hard bottom and find a new freedom and life. They really cared about others and showed it in the most basic way, by just talking and listening. George never talked bad about others even when the rest of us might be doing so, George would add comments about hopefulness towards the person. George left an imprint on my life and a lot of others, we talk about him lovingly now and then. I was back out when George died and along with my friend Burl, these are the 2 guys funerals I regret missing because I was drinking again. I know they would be happy for me now and understand I needed to go through what I did to get to where I am today. George's stone is a short distance from my dad's, so every time I visit dad's grave I visit George's, pour some coffee on it and leave a cigarette.

I have written a lot about my dad. Yesterday I visited the grave because I was in the area. I stopped poured some coffee, left some flowers and did a mediation of thanks and remembrance. My dad wasn't the best father, he was physically and emotionally abusive towards us growing up. When we got older I feel he was better equipped to deal with and relate to his kids. It was in these years I grew to know and love my dad. His imprint on me is in how I treat others and carry myself in public. My dad was a bit of a bigot and prejudice against those who where different but if those who were different showed him courtesy he would do the same in return. If a long haired biker or person of dark skin held the door open for him, he would thank them, same goes if they served him. He insisted we have good manners in public. He was born and raised for lack of a better word Hillbilly but he learned to rise above his hillbilly roots. He wanted to be on equal ground with everyone else and by showing good manners, people never know his background. Dad taught me about hard work, both in words and action. My job maybe very hard on my body some nights but I know I can deal with it and would never quit without a job lined up, this I owe to him. The same goes for doing work around my house or helping mom, he instilled in me my duty to keep my house and things I own in good repair if at all possible and to do it as soon as possible. He hated laziness and unfortunately my intolerance for laziness comes out too, one of those defects of character I have to always work on. My dad gave me my love of gardening and also I inherited a portion of his mechanical aptitude.

There are others who make up me also. My mom of course, hers is my gentleness and unfortunately a genetic trait for anxiety, her family has a long history of anxiety problems. Thankfully I have learned to use spirituality to keep anxiety in check and to move past it in as short as time as possible. Mom is also like dad when it comes to manners, respect and working hard. As for my siblings, if nothing else we have a history together and experience no one else would understand because they didn't live in our house with our parents.

This morning at my home group the matriarch of the group Connie, celebrated 35 years sobriety. She has played a big part in my recovery since my return. She sponsors a lot of women in the area, solid women sponsors are limited in this part of the state. She also indirectly sponsors others like me. She is one of my "go to" people, when something is going on in my life I talk to her after the meeting just to get her thoughts. Connie understands and accepts my approach to spirituality. She is one of the few old timers in the area who allow the non-Christian AA's to follow their our own path without interjecting the God of Their understanding. There has been many a time when I have been frustrated with the Christian undertones of old members at meetings, when I have felt alone and isolated from my fellow members. Connie has given me the assuring love I have needed to keep going back, reminding me of traditions and my responsibly to the newcomer. Connie shares about living the steps, not just working them. She shares about the mistakes she still makes after all these years sober. We had a couple of newer members at the meeting this morning, the general consistence shared by all and by Connie was, you get 35 years of sobriety by living sober one day at a time. She made the point of telling the guy with only a few weeks that the one thing we all had in common was we were sober "today". There is no me because Connie is in my life.

There have been many George, Burl and Connie's in my 13 years in AA, 9 years first time around and over 4 this time. All of these people are a part of me. I have also known people in recovery whose way of staying sober I didn't or don't want any part of, they are a part of me also. I have seen people die from active alcoholism and addiction, they are in me. I have seen people die sober and at peace with the world, these are some of my heroes.

My heroes are a part of me. John Lennon, more for the honest way he lived his life and owned his mistakes more so than the great music he gave us. Gandhi, Eleanor Roosevelt, Dr. King, Mandela and numerous other voices who stood up for social injustice. Dylan because he taught me about words, word play and poetry. Jackson Browne's music has touched every part of my soul, Jackson is my musical go to person. Music is a big part of me, I don't need an iPod, I have thousands of songs by hundreds of artist in my head. There is no Scott.

The Buddha and Jesus are a huge part of me. Their teachings have become the foundation of my spirituality. There are parts of Native American spirituality, Taoism and Paganism within also but the foundation is cemented in the teachings of Buddha and Jesus. I may not be a Christian but my Christian upbring and knowledge of the teachings of Jesus both biblical and gnostic effect how I treat others and how I live my life. The Buddha has shown me a spiritual path to live by. Through the words of the Buddhist Thich Nhat Hahn and the Dalai Lama, 2 other heroes, I have been given a guideline to living a peaceful life, a way to understand suffering and how to see it for what it is. A way to readjust my briefs when they get all in a knot.

Bill W. and Dr. Bob are a big part of me. Bill was a great writer and able to put down in words all which AA is for the most part. Dr. Bob was the simple realist right up to his death. Bill and Dr. Bob where the Yin and Yang of AA and divine intervention put them together for us. All the good old timers, I am grateful they paved the way so I can reap the benefits of recovery today.

So if my ego gets caught up in the big ME trap all I have to do is think about all the people who have shape what I am. What ever God there is has a big part in this too, just realized I forgot to mention the concept. There is no me, no self. I am made up of others. I also share the earth with all living beings, it isn't here just for me, we share it together and we need to steward it together. We are interdependent beings, we all depend on each other to make the world we live in a beautiful place to live. I may not be able to stop violence and pollution outside of the area of the world in which I live in but I can do my part right here right now, I can make this a beautiful and safe place for you to visit if you ever come my way.

One last thought in reflection. Just as all these people have touched my life, I have also touched peoples lives. I feel I am spiritually responsible to touch peoples lives in a positive way. If I can't always show compassion at least I should do no harm.

Well I need to get busy in the shed. I brought back more stuff from mom's old house yesterday and just throw it in the shed, now I need to put it on shelves and organize it. I also brought back all my firewood, so I have it to stack up.

I hope everyone is doing well!!!

Peace Love and Light

Scott, who ever he is or isn't ;-)

Being Dad

2011-05-17T10:28:00.000-07:00

Hi all and hope spring is treating you well. I have all my plants planted and in their pots, waiting for the ground to warm up enough for the bulbs to grow, weather has been a teeter totter here.

This is about my daughter Mich and me. Many know during my drinking daze I was neglectful towards Mich. I didn't look after her needs emotionally or financially. I compensated my shame of drinking too much by allowing her to run wild, she was drinking and hanging out with older kids when she was 13. By the time she was 15 she was very resentful towards me; too many broken promises, embarrassment at having the cops show up at our house to take dad away in handcuffs, a rather dirty house house much in need of repair. My recovery started the road to healing but not before her actions as a result of my drunken parenting did its damage. By 16 she was in a girls home for being an uncontrollable youth; 2 Minor in possession of alcohol convictions, public assault, drunk in public, plus guilt by association with a bad crowd which the judge wanted to distance her from. By 16 she was pregnant, barely 17 when Angel was born, ward of the state of Nebraska almost to her 18th birthday. Yet she managed to graduate high school as a teen mother. Once sober I have supported her the best I could, sometimes to the point of serious enabling. When I moved away, my enabling lessened which was good for both of us. She is a very level headed young woman for the most part and a very good young mother, she still drinks on occasion but from what I can tell it isn't out of hand, she also has friends in recovery whom she turns to when she needs grounded advice.

Mothers Day was the shits for her! Her boyfriend, father of Carter baby number 2, who lives with her proved once again how immature and selfish he is. Detail, I dislike the kid because he is lazy, can't or won't find a job, spends huge amounts of time playing the Magic card game with buddies, smokes pot and drinks. If he worked to provide for them and smoked pot and drank, I would be more forgiving. To his credit he is good with the kids. So on Mothers day I am outside doing landscaping and here comes Mich with the kids in the stroller, she had walked 4 miles to my house because BF took her car; the car they drive is hers and I pay the insurance, if it wasn't for the kids I would make them go car less. They had a fight because he made plans to spend all day with his mother, not setting aside any time for the mother of his son, Mich also wanted to visit her Grandma for Mothers day. He took off with the car while she was in the shower, leaving her with a dead cell phone on top of things. Mich has had a hard time with Mothers day in the past because of her mothers death, now with kids of her own, the day once again is special. I was pissed at him needless to say at his immaturity to not realize once you have kids Mothers Day is about the mother of your kids and not about your mommy. I could have sent the cops after him for stealing the car but know deep down inside revenge is not the answer, doing the right thing sucks sometimes! In the end, Mich and kids spent day with me and I took them and my mother out to supper.

Last Saturday morning I get woke up by the dog barking a wake up enough; it was 10:30am and I had worked the night before not getting to bed until 5:00am. It was Mich, I had locked the dead bolt so she couldn't let herself in with her house key. She had checked BF's cell phone from the night before, he had been out very late playing Magic, on the cell phone where text messages from a girl, there was a lot of flirting and talk of hooking up. Mich was pretty upset needless to say, she was also tired and a bit hung over from drinking with her neighbors. So after both of us cleaned up and when grandpa had his coffee level replenished, we took a drive to a bigger town to do some shopping. I wanted to go to a discount store which we don't have locally to check on yard decorations. I didn't find anything special at the store for me but bought toys, books and clothes for kids. We also went to the big dollar store, one of those where everything is $1.00, Mich bought a bunch of basics. We went out to eat and they stayed at my house until late Saturday evening. Sunday Mich and the kids where here once again, she was basically avoiding BF and trying to work things out in her head, she did go and visit a good recovery friend of hers. Mich has been in and out of meetings for a few years, she misses the bond with recovery people but all her playmates drink so she hasn't chosen to change her environment, plus BF drinks and doesn't like her going to meetings.

Monday morning she her and the kids where here once again, she was in tears. She said she broke up with BF and was worried about his actions. I reassured her we can handle anything he throws at us, which would include trying to get custody of Carter. She said she has done a lot of reflecting the last week and realizes this is not the life she wants for herself or her kids. Part of it is no financial security, always behind on bills, borrowing money for diapers, or anything else. She is tried of his laziness, the fact that he said she needs a new battery for the car when in fact dad just cleaned the terminals, lot of built up corrosion on the positive post and the battery was fine added to this. She was tired of the manipulation, he always twist things to make it seem like all their problems are her fault. He never wants to do anything with her family or friends, it is all about his family, they are very close and controlling, sickly so. She has friends who are in good relationships and she wants the same. She wants a healthy relationship, one based on mutual respect, sharing of responsibilities plus security for herself and the kids. I hope she sticks to her guns because this is what I want for her too, what parent wouldn't. She would like to get a job but can't trust him to watch the kids, state won't pay for daycare with him living there and out of work.

Tuesday she is over and this time she tells me she freaked out on him Monday night and beat the crap out of him with a tikki torch and kicked him out of the apartment, he called her some pretty rude things. She was scared he would retaliate so she stopped by the cop shop to find out about a restraining order. This has set the ball in motion for her to by charged with assaulting him since she admitted she beating him up and his mom took pictures. Long story short he got his stuff without any problems. Kind of a messy deal now though. What she did was wrong but I feel she just has so much penned up anger she exploded and lost control. She will have to report to jail in a day or so, from there a court date will be set. The cop she talked to said if she reports early enough she should be able to see the judge, post bond and not spend any time in jail right away. She will opt for a Public Defender who hopefully keeps her out of doing much if any jail time, if he explains to the judge the emotional mess she was in. I am not against her going to jail but for selfish reason her going to jail would create problems finding someone to watch the kids.

What has happened over the last few days, months and years between Mich and me is a direct result of me being sober, living the steps and connecting with a spiritual way of life. There are no strings attached to my actions. I try to be here for her and she honestly appreciates what I do for her. Moving back here has given her a place to go when she is down, a safe and serene place. It is like when the chips are down dad is here for her. My being here for her is the best thing I can do. I can't fix the situation. Like a friend says, we have to allow others to experience what they must for their growth. She has to experience every bit of her pain and feel the fear, then and only then is there a chance for her to change. It has taken every experience I have had to make me the dad and grandpa I am now. Every experience has molded my recovery and spiritual life, the good and the bad. I am blessed and grateful we weathered the storm of drinking years and now have the healthy loving relationship we do. I know a lot of people in recovery who's kids are still angry at them or just have a casual relationship with them, they are sad about this and also powerless over changing their kids, sometimes living amends don't work out the way we want them to.

This afternoon I had a BBQ, Mich and the kids where here. We all had a good time and good fellowship. There was a lot of talk about Soberfloat, Soberfloat is when a bunch of recovery people get together for the weekend, camp out and spend the better part of the day tubing or canoeing the biggest river in Nebraska, there is one big potluck all weekend and meetings, big bonfire meeting Saturday night which last until everyone has has a chance to share. This year will be the third one they have had, 3 of us, myself included, have been to the last 2 and are going again. A buddy and I are doing what we can to make sure anyone who wants to go gets to go, we can't foot the $25.00 for the float but we will work out transportation, sleeping arrangements and food, the event is 3-1/2 drive northwest of us. We do it because we love the event and because it is what Dr. Bob would have wanted us to do. Maybe we can't teach someone how to enjoy living sober but if people hang out with us we can show them how to.

Oh yeah and this is cool. We were jamming to Led Zep on the way to G.I. she told me she never realized how great they were! Plus she has started borrowing my Blues c.d.'s. She has listened to this music most of her life and is now maturing enough to appreciate it, instead of it being the old man's music. Hopefully a friend of mine will receive the same warm fuzzy when her kids start enjoying White Stripes and Tool:-)

Well friends this is my tale of late. Work is going alright, I am accepting the things I can't change and keeping do the footwork the things I can. Mom is getting settled into her apartment and really liking it. My aunt, her youngest sister, has really helped her and I think enjoys mom being back in town.

Peace Love and Prayers to all!!!

Not Celebrating

2011-05-02T22:41:00.000-07:00

‎"I will mourn the loss of thousands of precious lives, but I will not rejoice in the death of one, not even an enemy. Returning hate for hate multiplies hate, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate, only love can do that." ~ Martin Luther King Jr

I for one am not celebrating in the death of Bin Laden. I am not really sure I am glad he is dead, not glad about the way he died. Yes he was a murderous evil man and caused the deaths of thousand, non-Muslims and Muslims, he was the one who is responsible for the horror of 9/11, a tragic day burned into my memory. I have a spiritual belief which deep down inside says killing is wrong even the killing of ones enemies.

Are we justified in our blood lust dance? Does our blood lust differ from his and his followers? Do we have the right to think we are superior or our cause is superior? I personally don't think so. For one thing all living organisms are intertwined, we all require the same air, water and earth for survival. I am the same as you, as the flower, the fish, the bird etc. For another, who I am I to play God or Divine what ever? Do I have the right to say and know who has the right to live and the right to die. There are people in the world who would say I should die or be imprisoned for my beliefs, hell there are people in this country who would imprison or censor me for my beliefs. I can't justify the being happy about the killing of another just because I perceive them to be spiritually or socially inferior to myself or my country.

Bin Laden's death will not stop the killings, it will not end the war on terrorist. No many more innocent people will die. Many more American service men and women will die. As a veteran, who served 20 years, my heart goes out to my brothers and sisters in arms. I never wanted to see them experience the horrors of war to begin with and still want them safe at home ASAP. Some how some way, the world needs to address the underlying cause for all the hatred, hatred which has lead to the senseless killings. The world has been at war since the dawn of time, war is the one thing our heightened intelligence has failed to eradicate.

As I have grown in my spiritual practices, I am more aware of how my own ignorance and prejudices shaped the big ME of self. Bit by bit I chisel away at the views which keep me from showing true compassion and loving kindness. I do my best not to sit in judgement of others, I am not God. I am a simple being among other beings, other living organisms. People laugh at me because I don't kill insects for no reason, granted the mosquito sucking my blood is a goner and an over abundance of flies in the house fall to a swatter but I do my best to leave them alone, we have repellents for such pest. I have a fondness for spiders because they are natures own controllers of obnoxious pest. When I look deeply at the interdependence of all living things, I try and see how we can coexist with each other. When I pull a weed from my garden, the weed decomposes and returns as food for the grass where I throw it. What I am fumbling to say is; I am learning to cherish all life. Yes I still eat meat so I have not given up my selfishness on this, nor have I stopped smoking another act of selfishness.

From the recovery side of justifying the celebration of the death of an enemy I reflect on what the Big Book says about resentments. " It is plain that a life which includes deep resentment leads only to futility and unhappiness. To the precise extent that we permit these, do we squander the hours that might have been worth while. But with the alcoholic, whose hope is the maintenance and growth of a spiritual experience, this business of resentment is infinitely grave. We found that it is fatal. For when harboring such feelings we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the Spirit. The insanity of alcohol returns and we drink again. And with us, to drink is to die.

If we were to live, we had to be free of anger. The grouch and the brainstorm were not for us. They may be the dubious luxury of normal men, but for alcoholics these things are poison."

I can't pick and choose who deserves my anger and who doesn't. A resentment is a resentment, whether it is against a murder, my sister or my neighbor. If my spirit is darkened by resentments then I am blocking out the sunlight of the spirit, sunlight which can be used to benefit others. Could my anger at a world figure cause me not to smile at the sad cashier or the person I encounter who is having a rough day and really could use a friend smile and greeting from a stranger? I believe it can. If my eyes are the window to my soul, shouldn't I do my best to make my soul shine from them, to use spiritual tools to wipe away the grime and smugs of anger and resentment.

I am saddened by all the hoopla and celebration of Bin Laden's death. I read post on Facebook by friends in recovery and people who regularly post pro-religious messages and wonder what part of the message of spiritual living are they missing. I know this is judgmental of me. I am saddened by most of the news articles also. A few of the 9/11 families have written post saying they are not happy about the hoopla either, that an eye for an eye will not bring back their loved ones and are sadden the death of their loved ones has brought only more death and destruction. I am saddened by the message we are sending out to our youth. How can we create a future of peace with more violence? We can't teach love and hatred at the same time, it has to be one or the other. What would Jesus, Buddha, Saint Francis think about all of this? I think I know what Gandhi and John Lennon would be saying, Dr. King is quoted above so there is no speculation about him.

I wish I had some answers for the troubles of the world but I don't. I am not perfect either. I do what I can to humbly voice my simple opinion on issues which trouble my heart and I don't expect agreement. This celebration will pass, like everything else it is impermanent. We will all find another issue to obsess about soon, maybe Lindsey Lohan, Donald Trump or Charlie Sheen will do some more stupid shit to divert our attention away from the reality of world suffering.

Thanks for allowing me to express myself. I wrote this because writing this stuff out brings me a bit more peace.

My prayers to out to all who are suffering tonight. To a special blogger friend who has found it necessary to end her blog, she will be missed but knows she is loved my many.

Namaste

Scott

Channeling Gratitude

2011-04-30T09:07:00.000-07:00

O.k. so may serenity has been on a roller coaster ride this week. The 1o hour days, 6 days a week work gig is messing with some serious ME time. I have been doing training with the machine operators on day shift, they are the pro's, so I have been going to work at 1:00pm to learn stuff from them the guy who trained me doesn't know, get off at 11:30pm. It must be psychological but for some reason working this shift is harder on me than the 4:30pm to 3:00am shift. I get up at 10am but lack energy and it seems before I know it I have to head to work again, no time to go over to mom's or anything, I am going to bed around 1:30am. With the other shift, I go to bed around 4:30am and am up by noon most days, which gives me a bit of time to do errands. For what ever reason, this different work schedule is kicking my butt.

I still have stuff to do in North Platte at mom's house; get stuff from the shed moved down here, odd ball yard work, want to stain the front deck, move rocks. I have some shuffling of stuff to do in my own shed also to make room for the stuff from mom's, garden to work on, spend time with dog. I haven't spent much time with Angel, Mich or Carter in 2 weeks either. So it would be nice to have a Saturday off, but from the sounds of things this isn't going to happen until maybe, just maybe Memorial day weekend. So yeah I have I am kind of bummed about the lack of me time.

There were a couple of times this week when I was actually pissed off about the whole no time on weekend thing. I would look at the work to do, which wasn't much because we are staying ahead and wonder why in the hell are we working weekends? Big picture is, there are quite a few customer orders on the books and they don't want to get behind on them, the rational side of my understands this, the selfish side is giving them the middle finger.

The last few chapters in the book I am reading have been about focusing on impermanence, seeing our frustrations for what they are and moving on, focusing on the moment at hand and staying out of the future. If you have ever read anything by Thich Nhat Hanh you know he puts a lot of emphasis on breathing and being our minds back to this moment, smiling and finding the inter peace within. The readings have given me the reminders I have needed to practice awareness, awareness needed to keep the frustration and anger from getting out of hand, they only ruin a few minutes off and on of the day and not the whole day. So the real perspective and gratitude is;

I will get a chance to move my stuff down, the house just went on the market.
After my morning meeting tomorrow, Sunday, I am picking up Angel and she can hang out with me, whether it is going shopping, going to mom's, working around the house. The main thing is we will be spending time together.
Next Sunday after the meeting I will head to North Platte, to mow, load up the vehicle and do what I can.
I can alternated my Sundays between Kearney and North Platte.
I will be back working 4:30pm to 3:00am in another week.
Prior to March 14th I didn't have a job, thus no income and was borrowing money to keep my bills paid.
I need to allow myself time to rest, important, I shouldn't beat myself up by not getting everything done at once, I am the only one applying pressure on me.
I have sent 2 resumes out, so still doing footwork on finding a job which will stabilize my hours.
I am not money hungry, a lot of people stress and suffer over the want of making big bucks, I am at peace making enough to live on plus a tad extra for some wants, like a new cd, camping gear, stuff for the kids or Mich.
The dog is happy to spend the time we have together, the extra is a bonus, plus I am more prone to taking her with me in the car now just so she is getting her share of daddy time.
Through all this, I have not craved a drink nor played around with a notion of one. It is awesome to want a cold bottle of water or root beer when I get home from work.
I am close to mom and the kids, both are within minutes drive time.
My home group is on Sunday mornings, so I am not substituting another meeting for it.
I am healthy, have my sore wrist and shoulder but nothing major.
My bills are paid.
My family is healthy.
I have 2 vehicles so if one is down, like my Honda is now, I have a back up until I can get the time to repair the other.
I am back living in the community of my choice, place where I feel most at home.
I have worked long hours and long weeks before, they didn't kill me then and won't now.
Getting fired was a blessing in disguise, I know this now. So even when things happen in my life I am not happy about I know sometimes good comes out of it.
Through struggle, I pay closer attention to awareness and the practice of acceptance. I am put in a situation of really applying spiritual principles to my daily life. I look deeper at the suffering, note the causes and use the tools to bring myself back to the middle path, sometimes quickly sometimes a bit slower.
Misery is optional, I make an effort to not stay miserable.
My life is wonderful, may not be the way I want it to be but it could be a damn sight worse. All I have to do is look around me with open eyes; tornadoes, flooding, unemployment, over stretched budgets, people placing the material ahead of the spiritual, active alcoholism and addiction, disease, death and suffering in many forms.
I am grateful for my blogger friends, your post help my unwind at night when I get home.
Grateful I have friends today, I no longer isolate myself from the world.

Well I need to put on my Frankenstein boots, steel toes, and get ready for work.

Peace Love and Light

Scott

Quiet 12 Step work and some just stuff

2011-04-17T20:28:00.001-07:00

My beautiful girls and papa's little miracle buddy.

Hey all, it is 10:30pm, most normal people are in bed or settling down for the night. I would really like to go to bed but since tomorrow I will have still be fairly alert through 3:00 am when I get off work, I am making myself stay up, otherwise I will wake up early and be seriously dragging ass. I am pretty use to the 4:00pm to 3:00am shift and am learning to operate the machine with fewer hiccups, multiple bends with varying degrees are still a challenge though. When I get frustrated, either due to fatigue or over tasked muscles, I remind myself; my bills are being paid and I will not be working this shift forever, I also do a mental gratitude list of the other blessings in my life.

One of the guys on night shift use to come to meetings, he was ordered by the court. He recognized me when I started working and stayed away from me. I would smile and say hi to him and not much else. Over the last couple of weeks we have had some small conversations, nothing to do about recovery, just general small talk. I don't know if he is drinking again or not but since he hasn't talked recovery with me I am pretty sure he has stopped going to meetings. I figured from day 1 if he wanted to talk recovery with me, I would leave it up to him to approach me. His recovery or lack of is none of my business unless he reaches out his hand. The best thing I can do for this guy, if he ever wants to talk is just be an example of what living sober is all about. Which brings me to guy #2. Hope this didn't sound redundant?

Guy #2 is a 24 year old, he was hired on the same time as me and operates the same machines. He is finishing up his court requirements after DUI number 2, has an interlock system in his car so he can go to work and meets weekly with probation and a couple of times a month with a counselor. A few weeks ago he started talking about his situation and how he went to inpatient treatment, I asked him who is counselor was and told him I know the counselor, told him I had went to the same treatment center and have been sober over 4 years. We talked a bit more about counseling that night but really didn't get to much into recovery. Then 2 weeks ago we were running a machine together, no one else was around, he started asking me about staying sober. I didn't go into the steps, shared more about going to meetings and fellowship. He is a big outdoors person; hunting, fishing, camping, kayaking and such. I told him about our sober camp-outs, about the yearly sober float down the big river, about dances. Told him there are plenty of guys in recovery who spend time together fishing and hunting. I gently planted a seed, now it is up to him to become willing to water the seed.

This morning at my home group a guy I use to work with, not technically sponsor because we never worked the steps, came to the meeting. He was shaking really bad and his face was swollen. He sat next to me and after the meeting asked to talk to me in private. His bottom got a bit lower Friday night, he was busted for drunk driving, blow a .2 something, this was his first DUI but it scared the crap out of him. He is pretty worried about the legal consequences for his actions, he has never been in jail before or had to face the judge. I told him some possibilities of what might happen but said it is really up to the judge and county attorney and I had no concrete answers for him. I told him the best thing he could do was try not to worry about it start going back to meetings on a regular bases, oh and to call me any time he needed to talk. Talking to him brought back memories of how scared I was of going to jail the first time but once there realized how big of a joke it was, didn't tell him this, but for me jail did not scare me sober. Another cool thing the meeting was big and the topic was fear, so he got to hear a lot about fear, what it was like and what it is like today.

My 12 step work is and has mostly been of the quiet living type. I have never been on an old time traditional 12 step call. I have carried the message into the county jail and mental hospital. The saying "you may be the only Big Book someone ever reads" is important to me. Like so may other aspects of my recovery I am not perfect with doing this. When it does happen I am grateful to my God for making me a vessel when the call arises. I can't "talk to the talk" and not "walk the walk", there is something inside of me, I believe it is called a God conscience which gives me great discomfort if I am bullshitting. On the other hand I don't flaunt my recovery either, if need be I let others know I am in AA/recovery. If there is a good reason to break my anonymity, like there was with guy #2 I will, otherwise I don't. Basically the sharing of my recovery is on a need to know bases and I have to trust my God conscience for the need of knowing. Part of it comes from hating being preached at, I figure others probably don't like it either. AA doesn't call on us to stand on the corner Big Book in hand witnessing to others about how great it is to be sober. Bill and some others did this once for us and later wrote the traditions to safe keep the fellowship from ruin.

Another aspect of my 12 step and service work is happening this Wednesday. Three years ago I was the district chairperson for Cooperation with the Professional Community (CPC). One of the things I did was start a panel discussion at the local nursing college. Prior to this the nursing students were required to attend a couple of AA meetings, problem was they weren't getting a good picture of AA because the meetings they showed up to could be on a wide range of topics and quite confusing. The panel discussions have been held twice a year since they were started, while I was gone from this area one of the ladies who was on the original panel, a former nurse with 34 years sobriety has taken over as chair for the discussion. Our discussions cover; Doctors Opinion and Silkies words on allergy, compulsion/obsession, hopelessness and psychic change; we talk about the steps and living sober, relapses and spirituality. We share our own stories briefly, then finish with a Q&A session. The college professor as been a good friend to AA and feels we have been of benefit to her students who after all some of which will get to witness alcoholism at its worst on the front lines of nursing. My friend the former nurse asked me to be on the panel again for this Wednesdays presentation. Her asking me was such an honor, it gave me a warm fuzzy inside. Not to blow my own horn here but it is nice when someone you respect says you are an important part of a team, glad you are back in town to be apart of the team again. I owe all of this to my God and practicing spiritual principles via AA and the Dharma.

Now for some lighter stuff.

Definition of nucking futs; we had really bad weather here Friday, nasty rain with mixed snow plus high winds. Friday was also the day the newest Harry Potter movies was released on video, so since I didn't see it in the theater and being a Harry Potter junkie, I went to our Walmart, which sits on a hill on the north end of town with no wind break to buy the movie. The real nutty part was I couldn't even watch the movie until after I got off work Saturday night, so I could have waited until then when the weather was better but nooo I had to have it the day it was released. Plus I wanted chocolates nuggets.

I really listened to the words of the classic Marvin Gaye song "Sexual Healing" the other night. I have always loved the song but with a semi awake mind I really heard the words. The song is very one sided, it is all about his needing sexual healing from her and not caring about her needs or feelings, totally lacks compassion. What a bummer to realize this, rather ruined my enjoyment of the song. Oh well just another one of those things that happens when my eyes open up a little bit more and I start hearing things with my heart. Still love the groove and vibe of the song though.

Speaking of music, I just discovered Joe Bonamassa. Amazon has been recommending him to me, if you use Amazon you know once you search or buy one genre of music they send recommendation emails, saying if you like Stevie Ray, Buddy Guy, Allman Bros, Johnny Winter, etc you will like him. Being rather contemptuous toward newer blues artist I didn't follower their recommendation until the other day when I was bored prior to work. Much to my surprise I really liked what I heard and bought his latest album. He plays the mostly the hard guitar blues I like, kind of a mix between Buddy Guy, SRV and Robin Trower with a dash of Keb Mo thrown in for the mellower songs. It is good to heard someone besides Derek Trucks band carrying on the this style of blues. The new Alison Krauss and Union Station disc is brilliant also, yeah I know I just switch from blues to Americana but my taste vary. If you like bluegrass flavored acoustic music with an earthly angel singer and a soulful male singer this is a must have disc. These talented people go years between albums but everyone is worth the wait.

Lastly, I planted the bleeding heart roots today for Linda. Also planted cannas and caladiums. Once these come up I can put down the landscape fabric and add my moss roses and other shorter plants. There is just something about having pretty flowers around my house makes me feel good, probably something heavy like "coming out of the darkest times in our lives we seek beauty". Then again it could be I just like having flowers to look at.

Well campers, thanks for sharing the ride with me tonight. Made it to 1:00am, probably won't push it much longer, I am grateful for spell check because my spelling blows worse then usual. Spending love, prayers and positive energy to you all. Thanks to my new readers for your comments, I appreciate them and have enjoyed reading your blogs also.

Peace Love and Light

No Regret, No Door Shutting

2011-04-11T07:24:00.000-07:00

Hey all!

I have very few disagreements with what Bill wrote in the Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous), yet I disagree with the promise "we will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it". I do regret certain aspects of my past but I do not wish to shut the door on them, the past gives me valuable insight in how to live my life today. I don't dwell on the past, to me this is where the danger comes in, there is no use in beating myself up over past events, by doing this I would be blocking the sunlight of the Spirit who provides inter peace. Yet on Saturday I rather found myself in a position to want to shut the door, to ignore the reality of the past.

Some of you know my ex-wife committed suicide, so please bear with me as I go over this part of my story again, to help complete the picture I am trying to paint.

When I met my ex she was trying to recover from addiction to pharmaceutical drugs, not just opiates but a whole range of them. In her defense I will say she did have medical problems in which she needed some of the drugs, on occasion. I say on occasion because the problems where not consistent. During the 7 years we where together and the 11 years I knew her, she never had more than a few months of clean time. She never stopped going to AA or NA for very long though. She made 4 suicide attempts within a 2 year period of time, ranging from damn near death to half ass cries for attention. It was the first 3 attempts which contributed to the end of our marriage and me waking up to the fact I didn't really love her in the way spouses should love each other, this is my part. I married her in an innocent rush thinking well this must be what love is, only later to realize, I loved her as a dear friend and not a soul mate, she was my first serious relationship after getting sober. We shared a lot in common, love if music, nature, gardening, we were quite compatible for the most part but the intimacy and passion didn't exist once the fun of infatuation wore off for me, sex became a chore and not a pleasure.

Her 4th attempt landed her in a state run mental ward and not a nice and cozy private hospital or rehab. When she got out she went to a halfway house and seemed to have finally hit a big enough bottom to really start following recovery suggestions. My guess is she probably stayed clean a little under a year.

While at the halfway house, she met the father of a girl there, he was in recovery also. She left the house before completing the recommended time of stay and move with to a town 4 hours away from Michelle. By this time I had also relapsed, this was 1997. Over the next 2 years we made contact via the connection to Mich, both of us where lying to each other about how bad the active addiction and alcoholism was in our lives. We didn't have any bitterness toward each other, although she was resentful towards me for not helping her out financial, she was having medical problems and I wouldn't provide insurance because I change jobs and it was too expensive to get her a supplemental insurance policy. This was a judgement call on my part, my ex was a hypochondriac/addict with a habit of doctor shopping, while she was on my insurance I saw all the statements showing her doctor shopping, going to doctors 50 or more miles away, plus her by then husband wasn't working and I didn't feel it was my responsibility to provide for her any longer, even though the divorce decree said I had to for another year. My money was tied up in raising Mich and my increased use of alcohol. In hindsight this was sick and wrong of me.

The last time Mich or I saw her alive was around Christmas of 1999, her marriage was on the rocks, she was trying to get me to let her live with us, which I wouldn't or couldn't do. She was a sad shell of her old self. Reflecting back on her parting words to me, I now know what she was planning to do. February 20th 2000, a Saturday morning, I received a phone call saying she had shot herself. I think she just gave up hope and wanted the mental and physical pain to end. Mich was 8 years old. Her death was a big blow to both of us, Mich was left without a mother and I was left with a huge feeling of guilt. The guilt fueled my acceleration into alcohol hell and would continue to be an excuse for poor me drinking. I also had a resentment towards her for leaving me to raise a daughter on my own, a daughter who really need a mother as she matured. I now see how selfish all of this was, the shame and resentment.

My ex-wifes husband sent us some of her belongs a few months after her death. I have been hauling them around with me for 11 years, they have been stored in my mom's shed for the last year. With mom now moving into her apartment the time had come for Mich to sort through the stuff, throw away what she didn't want. She did this on Saturday. It was the first time either of us had spent much time reflecting back on her mother and it was a bittersweet event.

One of the first things to go over where the books, her mother thought she could get recovery from reading self help books, mostly Christian based, my ex struggled with finding a connection to God, she wanted it so bad but never could make a connection good enough for her expectations. Like a lot of people, she was expecting too much and over complicating the simplicity of spirituality, I say this because I was to over complicated spirituality. These books Mich didn't want nor the AA stuff, I will give the Christian books to some friends along with the daily mediation books, her Big Book and poetry books I will keep. My ex loved the comic strip "For Better or Worse" she had most of the bound collections, Mich kept these and a couple of other books which struck her interest. Mich kept a few of her mom's clothes, bedspread and scarves. Also a few things her mom had keep from her own past growing up. Mich didn't know much about her mothers life growing up and I tried to fill in the best I could from memory.

Mich kept the photo albums also. Here is where I was shutting the door. As Mich was pouring over the albums I was messing with Angel and doing yard work. I did help identify certain people in the photos, Mich's grandparent, her late aunt and some of the relatives I knew. My ex was from England, so there has been no real contact with her family since her death, this is our fault, laziness born out of shame has prevented us from writing her dad, who was the only living member of the immediate family, that is if he is still alive. I still have his address and feel it is time both Mich and me try and reconnect if possible, Mich agrees.

When I got home Saturday night, I realized I was shying away from the photo's because I didn't want to open the door of the past too far. There where enough memories and emotions going on inside without adding the photos to them. My ex was a big part of my 4th and 5th steps, yet there is still a mixture of shame, love and regret inside of me concerning her. On occasion I will talk about her at meetings or with friends, especially on Mothers day. Mothers day is the one day I do take to mourn her death, I use to say it was for Mich but it is really for me. They say the grieving process last a long time and it is true. I still grieve my ex-wifes death, I still think about how much of Mich's life she missed out on and how things might of been different for Mich if her mother could have rescued her from my alcoholism, if she would have cleaned up and taken control of her own life. I can't help but have some regrets over the events of the past. I didn't pull the trigger and I never did have the power to get and keep her clean but I played a part her life, some was good and some was bad. As I write this I know the part of me that wants to shut the door is the part that doesn't want to reflect back on the good times we had together, there is a fear of opening a door tears. I am slowly understanding this and now know I need to revisit the past once again. I need to do a spiritual 4th and 5th step, to sit and have tea with a ghost. It is not I that I don't think about my ex on occasion, I do but I still have some peace to make with her and with me over our life together. The Divine works in funny ways, it is spring and perfect time for reflection, my ex loved being out in nature as much as I do, she loved flowers too, time to plant another Bleeding Heart in her memory.

Although Saturday was a day of sorrow, it was also a day of joy and happiness for both of us in our different ways. Mich learned a lot about her mother she didn't know. We bonded on a subject both of us don't talk about a lot. We both needed a bit more closure on Linda's death. Linda left an imprint in our hearts, this imprint will be pasted on to Angel and Carter even though will never get to meet her in person. Linda was a very kind and loving woman but she was also a very sick addict, something which has a strong impact on Mich and me today because both of us are quite capable of being just as sick, the disease is lying dormant in both of us.

This blog is dedicated to the memory of Linda Male. I hope you found the peace you where looking for and the suffering came to an end. I am no longer angry at you for taking your own life, you did what you felt was necessary. I will do what I can to honor your life by being the father and grandpa you believed in and loved so long ago when we first met and both of us where keeping clean and sober a day at a time. I loved you then and I still love you now.

Peace Love and Light
Scott

Bleeps

2011-04-05T11:02:00.000-07:00

Hey all, going to try to do short bleeps here of what is going on and general thoughts, see if I can get away from the long paragraphs:-) Actually there isn't much to ramble on about in long paragraph form.

With spring comes new calves, like all new baby animals they are so cute. Haven't been able to hit the back road's to check out colts yet. The cottontail bunnies are all over the place as well, there are 4 hopping around outside our break area at night. My trailer is next to a large grain storage building, so the majority of the birds around my place are turtle doves. I am going to get some bird feeders and different types of seeds and see what other birds I can attract.

I am Jonesing to start working on flower beds. There a bunch of rocks at mom's house I am going to move down and create a border with, then put down garden fabric and top soil. I was checking out Canna's bulbs to put against the house, then work outward with larger to small flowers, rose bushes in the corners. I won't have a place for a vegetable garden but will get some planters for peppers, cucumbers and tomatoes.

Work is going good. I was lucky and didn't have to work Saturday. Last night the boss said things have slowed down a bit so we should be seeing a couple of weeks of 8 hour shifts and no weekends. I am fine with this, I like the overtime money but I am also old enough I like a lighter work schedule. I can survive without OT. I am still looking for another job but not obsessively, put in my resume for a counter sales position which requires knowledge of inventory control, ordering of parts and computer knowledge, all of which I have, time will tell if I get the interview. Staying away from human services positions, too many cutbacks in funding.

I had Angel stay with me Saturday. We had a good time, she played and watched movies, well the movies where playing, every once in awhile she would stop and watch it. She loves the Harry Potter movies, this is a good thing since I have them all and we can switch them up instead of watching the same one over and over again. I really love her random rushing up to me and giving me a big hug saying "love you", really warms the heart and makes me grateful I am sober. I have to keep my eye on her because her 2 year old interest gets into stuff she shouldn't, like finding utility knifes, dumping the salt shaker on the table and eating salt, trying to be sneaky and touch papa's laptop.

Carter is doing well also. There is a different dynamic with him. His father and grandparents control who he stays with, so I don't get to spend one on one time with him like I do Angel. He does know papa though and gives me big smiles when I visit or when Mich brings him over here.

My mom is stressing out about the move.I call her every couple of days and reiterate everything will be alright and there is no big rush to get stuff sorted out. My niece and her husband are helping me move mom's big stuff on the 24th of April, I will be going down each weekend and bring back what I can in the Explorer which holds quite a bit inside plus the roof rack. Even after she gets settled in here she can go back to North Platte and sort stuff out, there is no big hurry to put the house on the market, I will keep the lawn mower down there until the house is sold. High anxiety is a genetic trait in her family, the best I can do to help her is do what I can and comfort her with reassuring words.

As of March it has been 5 years since my last DUI. My insurance will go down in a couple of months, next billing cycle. It took my 7 more months to hit my bottom, 2 trips to jail, Mich attempting suicide at only 15 and being remove from the home. In those 7 months the paranoia was intense because I was doing things I wasn't suppose to be doing and scared to death I would be caught. I had also driven my family away for the most part, they couldn't deal with the pain of seeing me self destruct. I am grateful this is all behind me. I do the maintenance to the best of my ability to keep this lifestyle from returning. I can never forget the last couple of years of my drinking, especially those last 7 months, the insanity meter was pretty much pegged out.

Since I am unable to make it to a lot of meetings; been blessed to make the noon 12 and 12 meetings the last 2 Saturdays, plus home group Sunday morning, I make sure I read something from the Big Book or a spiritual book daily. I have been rereading one of Thich Nhat Hanh's books on my lunch break, maybe only a few pages but it is enough to keep me grounded. Like the Big Book, I discover something new and important every time I reread his books. I have my recovery friends on Facebook who also keep me ground with there post, Paula you are considered one of them, as is Pete.

The bravest 2 people I know are my friend Theresa and her son Trevor. Trevor is dying from Leukemia. They live each day as a new day. They truly understand how each moment we are alive is a gift. Trevor isn't afraid to die, he has accepted it, his acceptance has given Theresa the strength to accept it also. Theresa still goes to meetings regularly and does her best to live in recovery. They have also built a strong foundation in their faith. It is heartwarming to watch them. We can whine about so much trivial shit in our lives, then someone like Theresa and Trevor come along and show us how much we have to be grateful for and how with the aid of our Higher Power we can walk though anything in life. The sadness is still there but we don't allow it to control our lives, we face the reality no matter how unpleasant it is. I am bless to have these living examples of true Spirituality in my life. It proves it doesn't matter what spiritual path one takes, the benefits of living a spiritual life are all the same.

Well campers, time for me to get in the shower, then make my lunch, plus eat a bit before I go to work. My love, prayers and positive energy goes out to all of you!

Peace Love and Light

Insightful view of Anal me.

2011-03-26T01:41:00.000-07:00

So I took a look inside and realized why I can be rather anal about certain things, had to whip the poop off afterwards:-)

The other new guy at work doesn't hold up to my standards or work ethics, mentioned this to our trainer and added "but I am anal". There is a double whammy when it comes to me and working. First my beloved dad was very tough and critical when it came to working, for years I heard him complain about people who didn't hold up to his hard working standards. Second stems from being in the Armed Forces from the time I was 17, once again very strict rules on how one did their job and how you behaved at work. So the other night I caught myself applying my standards to a co-worker and wrapping my head around what he was and wasn't doing, I suffered he didn't. I wasted mental energy thinking about how wrong it was for him to take long bathroom breaks, sneak off and smoke, or how he was messing with his cell phone, or talking too much. None of this was my business, I am only responsible for me and how well I am learning the job and my job performance.

After work and during the day I did a bit of reflecting. There is a side of me which is very serious. This side is reflected in my taste of music, literature and movies. I have always been a rather old soul, as a kid I was interested in social issues, religion, what I then considered serious Rock and not commercial bubble gum stuff. I started questioning Christianity early in my teens based on my interest in Native American culture, I could not fathom how God would condemn the nature abiding Native Americans to Hell just because they didn't believe in the Christian version of him and didn't believe in Jesus; no offense to my Christian friends. I took a strong interest in social injustices and conservation issues.

I was pretty much raised an only child, my youngest sister is 9 years older than me, so I spend a good amount of time on my own, especially after we moved to a farm in the middle of nowhere Nebraska when I was 9, no kids to play with. My parents weren't fun parents either, my dad was a very hard worker, he didn't sit around the house if there were other things which need to be done. His idea of a good family outing was taking a drive somewhere usually on back roads. I have inherited his love of driving, cruising down back roads, looking at nature where it is crops, cattle, scenery or wild animals unfortunately this is boring to kids and some adults. I don't have a lot of funny memories of childhood which is alright, it was what it was and compared to a lot of people I lived in Disney world, there was abuse but not as bad as some peoples. Silliness was not allow in our house, neither was the slightest hint of vulgarity, in other words no laughing at farting, no sexual innuendos, silliness and stupidity were met with harsh words and evil eyes.

I made attempts to do fun stuff with Mich when she was growing up but wasn't the best at it. I wasn't the best at getting down and playing with her and didn't play games either. Also my active alcoholism got in the way, most of the time I didn't have the money to do things, even simple stuff because all my money went to alcohol and cigarettes. Plus I was selfish and self centered to the max, if it didn't seem like fun to me then we just weren't doing it, which most of the stuff she wanted to do wasn't. As a friend now to young kids whose parents are in recovery I do my best to participate in fun things they want to do which may not interest me. As for Angel and Carter, well they have the run of the house when they are here, they can play with anything they want, breakables and dangerous stuff is put away, Angel can watch the same movies over and over, I think this is called spoiling them.

I am getting better but putting Rule 62 "don't take yourself so damn serious" is something I have to be constantly aware of. When I am being too serious, then I am setting my expectations of me and others very high and most of the time neither of us meet them and I create my own suffering by dwelling on stuff. There is nothing wrong with having expectations but I have to allow for some leeway, I expect Mich's boyfriend to provide for his family but I can't allow my serenity to go to hell because he is lazy.

Strong ethics and being serious have their good side as well. I believe in being ethical at meetings, no cross talking when some one is poring their heart out, really prefer people didn't cross talk at all, I believe the newcomer has the right to babble about nonessential shit for a short time, not long rants, because all of us babbled in the beginning. I take recovery dead serious, if I don't I am dead. I have been known to be a bit of an AA Nazi; I believe strongly in the Big Book, 12 steps and 12 traditions. Funny side note; I hate it when people refer to the 12 and 12 book as the 12 x 12, it is not a piece of lumber people, I keep this anal comment to myself but a few close friends know how I feel and laugh at meetings when someone says 12 x 12 because they know my feelings. I am anal enough about recovery to call old timers out in a nice way if their personal religion gets emphasis at meetings, I remind them of our singleness of purpose, what is says in We Agnostics and the traditions. I counteract any advise given in meetings concerning; legal, marital, medical or therapeutic matters by reminding people we are not lawyers, judges, doctors or counselors, we are ex-drunks sharing our experience, strength and hope. What I have just mentioned I am not alone in doing, I take my cue from others who do the same and when I get away from sharing about me and start tell others how to live their lives I value these people who put me back in my place. Mindful insight has allowed me to pretty much change a "you or we" into a "me or mine" mid-sentence, once again wise counsel gained from mediation and listening to how the elders I respect share at meetings. But still there are time when I really want to yell out loud, "shut the hell up" at others because they aren't doing things my way, are being silly, are sharing the same story for the thousand time, this is when the little voice inside my head reminds me of rule 62 and also tells me "who are you to judge others".

So anyway, I am working on not being so judgmental not applying my anal behaviors and ethics on others. I am working on staying focused on me and my responsibilities. I am also strongly aware there is a side of me which is using my work ethics as a means to seek approval from my supervisor. I can't really change my ingrained ethics but I do tend to push myself a bit harder than I need to in order to seek recognition, taking a bit longer bathroom break to rest my muscles probably wouldn't hurt anything but no I walk to the john and walk right back and start working, maybe stretch a bit but not long because I am overly conscience of how long I am taking.

On a lighter note; mom got an apartment for the elderly here in Kearney on Friday. It is in a 15 unit complex. It is set up kind of like an assisted living facility, all the apartments have inside entrances, there is a commons area, mail boxes, trash and laundry inside the complex, all utilities paid except cable t.v and phone. I figured out she will actually be saving money since she doesn't have house taxes, home owners insurance or a high utility bill. My mom is thin skinned and skinny, so she has been keeping the heat way up in her house and having astronomical utility bills. We should have her moved down by the middle of April. She is going to start figuring out what stuff she wants to keep and what has to go on a garage sale or given away. This is big down size for her, she will have to get rid of a bunch of knick knacks and extra stuff. My mom is a product of the Depression and doesn't throw much away or buys things she doesn't need because it was a great bargain. I am losing my extra storage because of the move, so I too need to sort some stuff out, figure out what can go in my small shed or spare room and the rest has to go. I have been hauling around a bunch Mich's late mothers stuff, it is now time for Mich to see what she wants to keep and what needs to go, no matter how emotionally painful digging through this may be.

Well friends that's a ramble from me. Hope and pray you are accepting life on life's term as well as you are able too. When all else fails try to remember Honesty, Open mindedness and Willingness and I will try to do the same. Figure life is all about learning new ways to handle selfish thinking or unhealthy behaviors, something I will be doing the rest of my life, cause you know the Higher Power has a way of knocking me upside the head when I slack off on awareness, loving kindness and compassion to all.

Peace Love and Light
Scott

Amazing!

2011-03-18T13:21:00.000-07:00

Hey all, hope the sun is shining on your spirits!!

First; the dog is loving being able to go outside on her leash and just lay in the grass or under the deck. She is addicted to being outside the way I was to beer, every chance she gets she is outside as long as there is no rain or snow which hasn't been too much of a problem. Glad I rented this trailer for her:-) Her dad is comfortable with it as well. Most of the stuff is put away, like 95%. I have 1 room for storage, a room for my library/desk and then my bedroom, living room and kitchen are decent enough.

Second; I friend of mine in recovery died, he had rectal cancer plus his liver was shot from chronic alcoholism. He was one of those chronic relapser's who most didn't give a chance in hell he would die sober. His last relapse was a dozy, his skin was yellow, he wore heavy clothes even when it was warm, he was drinking cooking sherry and mouth wash when he couldn't get booze. He died with about 2-1/2 years of sobriety. We can never give up on someone, we can never refuse to accept the hand that reaches out to us. He will be missed, he was a unique character, a definite presences in the room and a miracle. RIP Jimbo my friend, glad you shined your light on my life.

I am finding the new job totally amazing, not so much the work but my attitude and serenity. For 15 years I have pretty much done clerical work, purchasing, helping others and tons of documentation. I thought this was the kind of work I needed to find again, hey I am a manager, a people person, this is my destiny! Funny how our God laughs at what we think is best for us and moves us in an opposite direction.

I am training to operate a press brake. This is a machine which bends steel, most of the bends are 90 degrees although we do get into so 45's, 120's, even funky stuff like 68 and 25. One of the irony's is, I suck at math or did in school and math still doesn't come easy. The machines are old so even after you program your degrees and length into the computer you still have to use your tape measure and protractor make adjustments, you start off light and work your way harder. This is one of those jobs you can't rush when setting up the machine. The guy training me is very good, he explains taking your time, it is easier to make adjustments by going slow rather than banging the bend and having to straighten the piece out or scraping it. The blue prints can also be insane, lots of different lines and measurements. The prints are set up for all operations, so you have markings for where the holes goes for punching plus shear dimensions, you have all these lines with different measurements and you have to know which ones apply to you. Reading the blue print hasn't been too hard since I have done this in the past but I have to read it correctly to know how the piece goes into the machine so my bend is in the right place, you can easily bend a piece backwards if you aren't paying attention to the print; the other new guy did this to 39 pieces last night. Once again as the trainer says take your time, pay close attention, the speed will come in time. So my whole problem with not being mathematically quick comes down to taking it slow, looking at my measurements and radius's, thinking about how to adjust them by adding or subtracting. I feel I am catching on fairly well, thanks to some previous experience and hereditary mechanical aptitude.

I am liking the job, for one we don't do the same parts over and over like a lot of manufacturing jobs, reason I applied at this company was I knew they didn't run the same parts all shift long. Last night I took pieces of 3 inch by 39 inch and bent two 90 degree angles in them, making a J form, for example, ran 100 pieces. In the same night I could be bending 48 inch by 48 inch sheets or 6 inch by 10 inch with 3 bends, you get the picture. This job requires thinking but different from clerical or managerial. It is fairly physical, lots of lifting and moving of upper torso, plus standing for the whole shift. My feet kill me by the end of the shift, need to get some gel insoles for my boots to see if they help, probably it is just going to be a case of my feet getting use to it. My shoulders have burned from pain too but I think this again is just a case of the muscles building strength and endurance, I stretch my muscles a few times a night which helps a bit, trying to stay away from popping too many Aleve, just take 1 or at most 2 a day if I really need to. I am handling working until 4:00am fairly well, grant it the last hours are a bite but if I am busy they are not too bad and no I am not drinking a bunch of energy drinks, can't and won't do that, just my coffee or maybe a Dew. I have been going to bed around 5:00am and getting up about noon or 1. The dog is adjusting to the shift as well. We are working 6 days of 11-1/2 hour shifts and I am working Sunday noon to 6pm as well, the press brake has a large backlog so we need to get caught up. We have next weekend off due to company audit. The other new guy says he refuses to work 7 days a week, I hope I am not stuck working too many Sundays because of him, if it starts to look this way I will tell the boss I am in recovery and would like to make my Sunday morning meeting every once in awhile. Of course part of the game in getting good raises is to work when asked without bitching or making an excuse to why you can't work, so I will keep my mouth shut for a bit. Once I get a sleep pattern down and get rested up, I can get up earlier a few days and hit the noon meetings, for the sake of fellowship and hearing and carrying the message, basically remembering I am a hopeless alcoholic and can't forget it. Oh yeah, the 70 hour work week won't last for ever, just a few months, with this industry it flexes up and down, some months full throttle, other months cruising at 40 hours.

I find the work environment amusing. Most of the guys are basically friendly in the acknowledging your presents sort of way. It is cliquish like most work places, like jail every group has there own table to sit at on lunch break. The Latino's have been the most friendly over all, just idle chit chat while smoking. I don't go out of my way either to make friends, I am not one to force myself on others to prove my worth or be part of the boys club, in time I will get to know them and they me, there are only about 15 guys on second shift anyway. The other thing I find highly amusing is the cell phone addiction! Most of the guys are on their phones during breaks, checking messages and talking, this even happens at 1:00am, it is just not the younger guys either, the guys in their 50's are doing it too. I always assumed the cell phone addiction was a younger person thing since I am not a cell phone freak but I was wrong.

To sum things up; I am glad I got this job considering it wasn't what I was wanting. It feels good to be working again, sore muscles/feet and all. I am amazed how easily I have adapted back into this type of work, guess I am not as single minded career orientated as I thought I was. Yep my Higher Power gave me what I needed. Right now I need to pay my bills, pay mom back, build my checking account up, it is a bonus I have inter peace and serenity with what I am doing. Not blowing smoke up my butt, I know there will be days when I am unhappy, when I make mistakes and kick myself in the ass over and over for them, when I take others inventories to the extreme and seriously dislike a coworker but I hope when these happen I open my spiritual tool kit and bring myself back to balance. I will also have to working on finding time for Mich, mom, babies and fellowship. Since this is a new start, it will take some work on my part to level out the Yin and Yang but it can be done, I can't allow work and money to replace the other important things in life.

PEACE LOVE AND LIGHT FROM NEBRASKA
Scott

You Can't always get what you Want

2011-03-09T18:29:00.000-08:00

"You can't always get what you want, but if try sometimes, just might find, you get what you need, oh baby." Now I am not a big fan of the Stones but Jagger and Richards hit the nail on the head with this lyric. I do find Keith Richards amusing and his solo stuff is better than anything the Stones have done in decades. Question "what 2 things will survive a nuclear holocaust?" Cock roaches and Keith Richards!

Reason I choose the cartoon is; the truth is what it is. I can rationalize and justify the answers to events in life which make me unhappy all I want but the correct answer is; life is what it is, just like the truth. No sense in milling things over in my mind, trying to figure out answers to what just is. I can travel a 100 miles up hill in my mind, mess up my serenity and inter peace, only to find out I could have saved the trip because the answer is right here, right now; it is what it is, just be.

Why all this heavy thought dearest Wolfie you wonder? Because I didn't get what I wanted, I got what I needed. No job as a safety coordinator, no job managing the farmers co-op, they both found people better qualified for the jobs. I will start working in the manufacturing plant Monday running a press brake, making parts for grain dryers. I think I told you I will be working 4:30pm to 4:00am, 6 days a week. Now here are the poor me dislikes; it will mess up my meetings, now I am back in Kearney I really was planning on going back to some of my regular meetings and doing jail meetings and service work, it will mess up my weekends and probably some camping trips, I will be doing manual labor again instead of having my nice soft office job. Woo is me me, oh woo!! Reality check; after 2 months of being unemployed I finally have a job, I will be getting a weekly paycheck and with the overtime it will be pretty good, I am grateful my mother has a nice chunk if change in her savings and been kind enough to help me along , priority one is to start paying her back. I will actually be making more money than before, I was salary at the other job, putting in 9-10 hour days without any OT, so financially I am better off. Since I am working 2nd shift I will continue to apply for other jobs and have the ability to be available for interviews, thus not having to take time off for an interview. I know enough about the truth to know, nothing is permanent, we never step in the same river twice. If I continue to do the footwork I will be back to working a day shift job down the road. The company is big enough that with my background I can apply for internal clerical jobs which I am qualified for. I worked for the company when I got out of the Air Force, started out as a shear/punch press operator on 2nd shift and worked my way into a purchasing job on day shift after 18 months. I will be able to attend my Sunday morning home group meeting, which is more important than the rest. As for camping trips, well they are still a few months off so there is no since in getting my Y-fronts in a knot just yet, I will camp when I can. I can keep my earring in my ear at work, the other jobs it would have been a no no:-0 God I am so vain!

It has been 17 years since I have done steady manual labor for a living and I need to remember this for one reason. I cannot push myself too hard, the guy who hired me knows this and I am sure his expectations of me aren't nearly has high as my expectations of myself. I can be my worst enemy, I can beat myself up for not meeting my expectations, yeah I have a bit of pride. I have to allow myself to make mistakes, granted need to learn from them as well. I have to accept I will be sore and tired until I get use to the job and the hours, because I know in time I will, been there done that. I did buy a 15 pound dumb bell and have started doing exercises with it, plus I am doing some stretching exercises, oh yeah and moving boxes from the 2nd floor to the parking lots has help out also;-)

I am in North Platte now, I rented a Rug Doctor and cleaned the carpets, wow it did a great job and I am grateful for the inventor. Tomorrow morning after I take the machine back I will load the Explorer up, then finish doing some cleaning. I am borrowing a friends trailer this weekend, a buddy of mine is going to help me load the couch, bed, desk, dresser and misc stuff, with any luck the balk of the stuff will be moved then. I still have stuff in mom's shed but it can wait for a free Sunday. This Sunday I need to see if Mich can bring me down to get my car, my buddy doesn't have a license, he is in recovery need I say more.

Here is a God/Divine/Higher Power/Karma thing for you all. I was at mom's house this afternoon when her mail arrived. She received a letter from the Kearney Housing Authority, saying she needed to schedule an interview for elderly housing, she is on the waiting list for a city/HUD run complex for the elderly. The letter gave a list of things she needed to bring with her. It was a blessing I was there because she wouldn't have understand exactly what documents she needed, as it was I had to call and verify certain documents were what they were asking for or acceptable. Her appointment is Friday at 9:00am, I will be able to go with her to it. She will have to decide if she will be comfortable in the apartment, I am not sure how small they are, if she likes it then she will be moving to Kearney before too long. If she doesn't like it then she will just keep waiting for a Realtor owned complex, bit more money but they are 2 bedroom with apartment sized washer and dryers. Once again it will be as it will be, do the footwork and see, no rhyme intended.

Well campers, I need to do a few more things around the house before I crash, not really tired, so a bit of cleaning should solve that. I hope all of you are well, Lori you are in my prayers dear one!! I pray every night for any of my friends who may be going through tough times so if this is you, you are cared about.

Peace Love and Light

Coming Together

2011-03-04T10:21:00.000-08:00

"Coming together right now over/under me", apologies to John Lennon.

Well I have job. Yesterday I had an interview with a manufacturer, use to work for them back in the 90's. I got hired on to work second shift as a press brake operator once all the background stuff is complete, I will start on the 14th. They are going balls out right now, 11-1/2 hour days, 6 days a week. It will be rough to begin with but I am sure with my determination I will be fine, or maybe F.I.N.E for a few weeks. Nice thing about 2nd shift is I can still look for other jobs and do interviews without missing work.

Having said this, I use this phrase a lot don't I, I had a good interview Tuesday in a town 25 miles north of Kearney, hears the story. Tuesday I had an interview for the Safety Coordinators job and was going from there to Kearney to get my mobile home later in the afternoon. The route to Kearney put me in a town where I had sent my resume a couple of weeks ago. I hadn't heard anything back from this company and thought what the hell why don't I stop in and see if the position has been filled, my stopping in lead to an interview. The CEO hadn't even started taking a hard look at the resume's nor done any interviews, he took the time to give me a nice long interview and I felt really good when I left. In the past I wouldn't have had the courage to stop in unannounced to check on a job prospect, learning to trust my Higher Power has changed this, basically "nothing ventured, nothing gained and don't take "no's" personally", so I put fears in the trunk and made the stop. His job description on the internet didn't accurately describe what he was looking for, job posting was for "fuel and oil sales person" by sitting down with the man it became apparent I had more to offer him than I expected. What he is really looking for is a manager, who can sell fuel and oil. The job is with a farmers cooperative, they sell fuel (gasoline, diesel and propane) to farmers, they sell and repair tires , service vehicles and pivot irrigation systems. I would have to learn all aspects of the job, start as a worker in each area, once I had total comprehension of the areas then I would move up to assistant manager for this department, the manager is retiring in a couple of years so the assistant manager is being groomed to take his place, $55K annual job. The blessing of stopping in was, I have worked with tires and servicing vehicles before but it isn't on my resume because it was almost 30 years ago, tire machines haven't changed much in this time, I told him I could change a tire right now it he wanted me to. We talked about my management background, my understanding of agriculture, about me getting a CDL so I can drive a fuel truck. I told him I was moving to Kearney, he asked me "if we bought you a house in Ravenna would you move here"? I told him in a heart beat and in fact I had lived in Ravenna in the past. Job pays very well with an outstanding benefit package. I will call him Monday and see what his decision is. If it is "no" then I will be operating a press brake for awhile.

I loaded the Explorer down with pretty much essentials on Wednesday and I am officially living in Kearney. I am grateful I am a camper because I have double air mattress to sleep on until I get my bed moved down, probably next weekend. My t.v and dvd player are sitting on the coffee table, computer is on an end table and I am sitting on a lawn chair, actually the computer goes between the end table and my lap depending on what I am doing. Today is cold and windy so I didn't go and get a load, tomorrow is suppose to be much nicer, I have to pay attention to the wind because it has a big effect on the MPG's of the Explorer, so I will get another load tomorrow, about 75% of the apartment is packed up. Next week I will go back, spend a day cleaning, rent a rug doctor to clean the carpets, just have to shift furniture from one side of the room to the other.

The trailer is alright, living room is nice sized, have a nice room for my library/office/kids toy room, small room for storage and my bedroom is big enough for this one person. My dog loves being able to be outside again, I have her leash attached to the deck so she can walk around or just lay outside. Since I lived on the 2nd floor of the apartment the only time she got to go outside was when I took her out, I didn't like having her on the balcony, now I just put her on the leash and leave her be, only while I am home of course. The down side of the trailer is; of the 8 kitchen cabinets, none of which are very big, only 2 have a shelf, so I will have to get some wire shelf racks, also there are only 3 drawer in the kitchen. When my cash flow gets better I will find a buffet cabinet or china cabinet to put in the kitchen. My mom has a big plastic cabinet in the garage which isn't being used, I will move it down here, put it in the storage room and put extra kitchen stuff in it. The bathroom also lacks storage, has only under sink storage, no medicine cabinet, I will get one of those plastic drawer units for it, they don't look too bad if you keep them clean. I will also put up shelves in the living room for my knick knacks, the brackets and stained wood isn't that expensive and it will add an attractive border to the room. This is all just minor stuff, all in all I am happy with the place. I am grateful to have a yard once again and a shed for my tools.

I have jumped back into Kearney AA. Went to district meeting Saturday, I will take part on the committee to host the state reunion in 2012 if we get the bid. If my schedule allows I will start going back to the jail meetings. I reconnected with an old timer buddy of mine who is visually impaired, we started a Living Sober meeting a few years ago, each week we would read a chapter from the book Living Sober. He stopped going when I moved away and asked if I would take him again, of course I will.

Everything I have written is a direct result of living sober, living the steps and practicing spiritual living to the best of my ability. I have my crappy dazes, days of some despair, some confusion and a bit of poor me anger but they don't last long. My motto's of late have been, "it is what it is", "faith without works is dead" and "this to shall pass". One unchecked thought can make everything disappear. Well campers, I need to get my ass in gear and call my Episcopalian priest buddy and see if he has time to chat, thinking of asking him to be my sponsor. Got to love AA, a Buddhist asking an Episcopalian priest to be his sponsor, man if that isn't traditions and steps in action, no ego intended.

Peace, Love and Light and if life is treating you shitty remember "this to shall pass"!!!

Still relatively Sane

2011-02-25T08:45:00.000-08:00

Hey all! You know some days reading great post really put one back in focus, thanks Gabi, Kristin, Paula and Shadow! Life isn't bad, in fact things are coming together but still others words give me a high, realign my perspective and make me remember what it is all about.

The idle time is starting to lessen, last week the weather was nice enough I was able to do some yard work around mom's. Last fall I started cutting down a tree, there was a 6ft stump left when the temps got too cold for me to work outside. I was able to cut it a 2 ft stump, right height for sitting a planter on or sitting your butt on, also finished cutting the limbs into small piece for campfire burning. I cleaned up the dead foliage as well. We will probably put mom's house on the market in April, so I want to make it look as good as possible, I need to re-stain the deck for sure and there are a couple of minor things which may or may not get done. It felt good to work outside. My sinus pressure pretty much disappeared the days I was able to be outdoors, what a relief that was.

Friday night I went with some recovery friends to a bar to listen to a couple of jam bands play, the music and fellowship were great. I hadn't spent any time in a bar since I got sober, I have been around alcohol and people partying some but not the bar scene. I was spiritually fit to do this on Friday, I observed the drinking without the slightest bit of desire to join in. I was completely aware the pretty young women were young enough to be my daughters, thus no false pretenses they would have the slightest interest in me, the mindfulness of reality told me I have nothing in common with these young women. In a drunk state, my mind would tell me, to hide who I was, talk to the cute girl and try and bullshit my way into her heart and underwear. Sober I hate the facade, being phony, trying to make people like me for what I wasn't or I am not. Sober I am cool with my likes and dislikes, my interest, either you accept me for who I am or you don't, it is what it is. Under the influence of King Alcohol, I am a different person, I want to be socially cool, I want to George Clooney or Harrison Ford. I make an ass out of myself trying to be something I am not, then the real kicker sets in, I know I am not socially cool, I get depressed and fall into a depressive alcohol stupor, full of poor me's, "I will never be loved" and lot of other crap my Master fills my head with. My last years of drinking were filled with isolation because I knew I was unlovable, undesirable and a freak, I rarely ventured outside the "poor me" safety of my house or car. I am truly grateful to understand this today, it is part of the tape I play through when I am around alcohol. I am thankful for the freedom from bondage which allows me to see a good blues or jam band if I am spiritually fit, plus going with fellow travelers is pretty much a given.

Mich's boyfriend was out of town for the weekend so I stayed at her house. I had a great time with the babies, Angel and I watched the last Shrek movie at least half a dozen times, I was good with this, there are a lot worse kids movies she could have wanted to watch over and over. She is papa's little buddy, she didn't want to go with her mom, just hang with papa. Carter and I are starting to bond. He would crawl towards the kitchen and I would say come to papa and he would crawl back to me and stand up on the couch between my legs, give me big smiles. He is really starting to get around and climbing up on stuff. Funny thing is, he still doesn't sit up, he is o.k. in the high chair but can't support himself on the floor. Mich thinks he is just too much on the go to take the time to sit still and strengthen himself for sitting up. Other than this you would never know he was such a preemie baby.

I locked into a mobile home to rent, it is a 2008 models so it is in good condition, good windows, floors, plumbing and heating. I will start renting the 1st or 2nd. I had to go the mobile home route because none of the apartment complexes in Kearney allow pets, my dog is a part of me so she goes where I go. Actually if I am careful the utility bills on the trailer won't be too bad. I do like having a yard, place for flowers and vegetable, plus a shed for my stuff. I decide to go ahead and get a place in Kearney now so if a job is offered I can start work without having to find a place to live first, my lease here is up March 31st, so I had to get something anyway.

O.k. now the job bit. I got a part time job at WalMart working the register/customer service counter back in the tire and automotive department. The job pays just over minimum wage, the manager said if I do well she will give me the max amount of hours allowed, I start in a couple of weeks. One of my recovery buddies told me the convenience store he works at was hiring ASAP, 2 people quit, yesterday I took in a job application and have an interview Monday, his manager told him she would hire anyone he recommended. I worked a couple of years part time in a convenience store so I know the gig, know how to run the gas console, Powerball machine, stock coolers and the rest. so if nothing else it appears I may have a couple of part time jobs to bring in some cash. I figure I can work part time jobs and keep applying for full time positions I am better qualified for, some thing will come along eventually.

Yesterday at 8:30am I got a call from the cattle company about the safety coordinator job, they did a first round over the phone interview, I had given up on hearing from them. I feel I did really well with the interview but my ideas and theirs may not be the same even though I talked pretty straight industry standards on safety with a few suggestions on how to make safety work for the company and employees. The person who did the interview said she would contact me either way if they decide on a second interview or not. I can't play head games with myself on getting this job so until further notice I am keeping on keeping on. I also have 2 other full time applications I am waiting to hear back on.

Been watching a lot of movies, if you get a chance rent " A Kind of Funny Story" wonderful feel good movie. "Twelve" was really good too, different take on the drug dealer and drug user movies. "Get Low" was brilliant, it is funny yet gets you to thinking, cast if awesome, Duvall at his best, Bill Murray and Sissy Spacek are both awesome. An older movie I watched which was wonderful in a spiritual way was "Interstate 60" it wasn't a real popular movie so may be a bit hard to find depending on how big your rental store is, it is a road trip movie about choices and finding ones true self but not the clique Hollywood type. There is my Roger Ebert fill in of the week.

Well campers, thanks for all the great words of encouragement and love. I was successful with dumpster diving for boxes, so today I will be boxing up non-essentials. If the weather is getting you down remember spring is knocking on the door, the birds are coming back to the trees to sing to us, flowers are talking of rebirth and we will be sitting outside barefoot before you know it.

Peace Love and Light

This just in 4:45 pm 2/25/11, I got the 2nd interview for the Safety Coordinator job, Tuesday at 9:00 am. Face to Face interviews are where I can shine, I am fairly relaxed, I don't give snap replies, I process questions and in most peoples eyes this is good because they know I think before I act or react, I don't kiss up either for good or bad, I do my best to be my honest self. When I did interviews I didn't like people who kissed up or tried to suck up to me, bragged about themselves. It is good to be self confident but there is something phony in my opinion about a braggart, I feel braggarts tend to be all for themselves and less about being a part of team or willing to go the extra mile for others. Any hoo keep me in your prayers and positive vibes. Man I will really have to stay busy until Tuesday, see the anxiety rolling in right now.

Namaste

Love Beats Hate-Learning to Love

2011-02-12T06:54:00.000-08:00

My friend Lori at http://mylifeinterupted.blogspot.com/ wrote a wonderful post on Love Beats Hate, complete with her little's holding up poster boards, please check it out. This is an FB cause/challenge I won't take part in for personal reasons but I will honor Lori's request to write a piece on it out of friendship and it is something I have compassion about and like reflecting on.

"In the practice of tolerance, one's enemy is the best teacher" His Holiness the Dalai Lama

I don't know who first told me "you shouldn't use the word hate, it is powerful and ugly". I doubt is was my parents, even though they didn't use the word hate much, they were just not strong teachers of intolerance, although they did teach us to treat others as we would like to be treated, kudos to them. Who ever it was, the phrase has stuck with me, my whole life.

Removing and correcting the word "hate" from my thoughts and words has been a life long challenge. To this very day when I catch myself thinking "I hate" this person or thing, I have to change my thinking to "I dislike". For me to hate is associated with wishing destruction upon someone. Either the physical, emotional or social destruction of that which goes against my beliefs, likes or thing which is treating to me. My biggest challenge in this arena is media figures who I believe to be dangerous to the world, America or even my small part of the world. It is really easy to say "I hate Fred Phelps and all he stands for" but to wish harm on him is wrong. If I believe in the force of the Universe, spiritual principles, then I must believe some how, some way, these dangerous people will pass on and have hope we as humans learn something from their ugliness which we can use for good. The evil of Hitler and the Third Reich has been a great teacher for intolerance in places where intolerance has had a strong hold, it has been used in intercity schools to counteract gang violence and association, it has been used in racist parts of the US to show kids where racism leads. It is sad 11 million people lost their lives to such evil but the loss has not been in vain and will continue not to be in vain as long as there are people willing to teach and live by principle of intolerance and assist others in understanding where it can ultimately lead.

For me a lot of changing my thought process has come from teachers who have been persecuted for their beliefs yet have been able to show compassion to the persecutors. How dare I in my grandiose way hold a resentment/hatred towards someone who has bruised my ego, challenged my philosophy or simply stepped on my toes. Holocaust survivors talk about having forgiveness for the atrocities against them, they may dislike but are not hateful and bitter, they understand how harboring hatred would ruin the rest of their lives. The Dalai Lama and Thich Nhat Hanh are both teachers of how I should show compassion to all, even towards those who have hurt me. These two men witnessed unspeakable crimes against their people yet have found it in their hearts to show compassion and love. I do my best to do as the Dalai Lama says and use those who transgress against me as teachers. I have never had any major acts of violence committed against me or my family, how ugly is it of me to wish ill will towards those who so superficially hurt me when people who have had great acts of violence committed against them, their families, their loved one, their race and nationality can show love and forgiveness. Others who fit this category are, Gandhi, Mandela, Dr. King, people who were on death row for crimes they didn't commit and finally released, civil rights activist, Native Americans, you can add your own to the list, which could get very long.

The other side to this for me is the recovery from a disease of selfishness and ego inflation gone wild. The Big Book says, "But with the alcoholic, whose hope is the maintenance and growth of a spiritual experience, this business of resentment is infinitely grave. We found it fatal." Just down from this Bill writes " If we were to live, we had to be free of anger. The grouch and the brainstorm were not for us. They may be the dubious luxury of normal men, but for the alcoholic these things are poison."

When I relapsed, the fuel which kept me drinking in part was anger and resentment; I was resentful towards my ex for making me a single parent, towards her for killing herself and leaving my daughter motherless in her formative years, I was resentful against the war and those who took us to war, against religion, against a society who mocked and belittle anyone who didn't follow the status quo or refused to pledge blind allegiance, just to name few.Untreated, (one doesn't have to be active to be sick), alcoholism/addiction gives us thousand of reasons to blame other people, places or things for our misery.

The main person I was resentful towards was me. I hated me, what my life had become, what my daughters life had become, the hurt I cause to my parents, I wanted to die. I did not want to commit suicide in the conventional way, no this would have been too much for my daughter to have 2 parents commit suicide, I just kept hoping I would not wake up or have an alcohol induced heart attack or death. Yet I refused to quit drinking, the disease would tell me I wasn't that bad, or if I felt bad the desire would kick in, I would pick up, temporarily blotting out the pain only to have the depressing return, such is the vicious cycle of alcoholism/addiction.

The process of learning to love myself was a bit slow once I got sober. Through the aid of a great sponsor, one who always ended a conversation by saying "I love you", I started forgiving myself, this was also the result of working the steps with him. I learned to accept the mistakes made in the past and take the actions needed to correct the damage done. The actions were showing love, being responsible, not drinking or drugging and practicing spiritual principles to the best of my ability on a daily bases. He told me to pray for my ex wife and in time I forgave her, accepted the disease she suffered from. I stopped reading blogs which fueled my anti-government/society anger, this was part of practicing Right View, I distanced myself from the news even NPR. I came to accept what Bill said about anger and resentment, I take it to heart and know it can be fatal for me. Alcoholics and addicts have two great masters, one is our Higher Power which keeps us staying clean and sober, the other is the Disease. The disease lets us know if we don't take constructive action it will kill us. I don't want to die today.

Love has shown me how to live a peaceful life. Love has shown me how to find balance. This is not to say I still don't dislike things, I just no longer hate things enough to wish destruction. If this type of anger crops up, I reflect on it and see how the wrong view is damaging to my spiritual being. Love is the easier softer road, for me it seems it takes a lot less energy to love than to hate. The energy of love can be transmitted to others. My parents teaching of, treat others as you would have them treat you, is a gift, yah I know this is the Golden Rule found in all religions or spiritual practices. Some people never received this gift or ignored it, they live their lives in angry hatred which is sad. Somewhere in the Bible it says, "love the sinner, hate the sin", I replace the word "hate" with "dislike" for spiritual reasons.

The events of the last month have created a small resentment in my heart. I see this resentment and the damage it can cause. When the resentment rears its ugly head, I counteract it with thoughts of love and compassion. What happened, happened, I played my part in it. I do my best to apply acceptance to the situation at hand. I also know if I don't take action against the resentment it could in time lead to my death, maybe not physical but for sure spiritual. There is a catchphrase which goes "my disease is in the parking lot, doing push ups just waiting for me", harboring a resentment is a sure way for me to walk out into the parking lot and have the disease say "hey buddy, I am here for you, lets you and I work out this resentment thing, you don't need no Higher Power, you don't need those people, you don't need those steps. I will make you forget everything, I will blackout your mind for the time being, reality is over rated anyway." For an ex-drunk and lover of downers like me, it could happen this easily if I am not vigilant. The beauty is, it isn't hard work saying vigilant if I practice love and compassion on a daily bases, spirituality and living sober become a way of life, as long as I do the footwork.

Lastly, I have no direct power to change others views or actions on hatred, violence or intolerance. If I preach against violence, tried this with kids and their video games, or hateful words said, my preaching falls on deaf ears, no one likes to really be told, their ways are corrupt. I can only be a vehicle for love, tolerance and compassion in the way I live my life. If my life is attractive to someone and they wish to make the change then it is their choice, they are the ones how must seek a Higher Power to aid them, a personal means to find inter peace, to end suffering.

Well campers, that is my 2 cents worth. It is going to be a warm day here in Nebraska, highs in the mid 50's. Time to take down mom's Christmas lights, do a bit of work on the Explorer.

Peace Love and Light to all!

48 Years

2011-02-07T07:01:00.000-08:00

Hey all, 48 years ago today I entered this world, "what a long strange trip it's been"!! I won't recount the journey, most of you know bits and pieces of it. Needless to say I am grateful to still be alive and also not locked up somewhere.

I am going to do something different here, I am going to Vent!. My morning started out with a text from my younger sister, wishing me happy birthday. I told her I hoped I would hear something on a job interview today, she replied "did you ask God for intervention". I replied, "faith without works is dead" and I have been doing the footwork and the rest was up to the Law of Karma. This has lead to a whole back and forth text conversation about basically her God versus my understanding of God.

My sister is one of those who went from drunken agnostic to sober born again Christian. Honestly folks I have nothing against Christianity, Jesus was an awesome teacher and if following his path and the path laid out in the Bible makes a persons life better, more peaceful by all means follow the path. I have seen many a sick person follow this path and become well. I know many who follow the path and are truly beautiful humans and dear friends of mine. What I don't like is when someone pushes their beliefs on me because they disagree with my beliefs. When it comes to being a Buddhist, most people to this out of total ignorance of Buddhism. All they know is the pop culture "fat smiling guy" who isn't the image of the real Buddha but was a Chinese monk. If you see an image of a skinny guy sitting in the lotus meditative position with his hair done in a funky do, it is probably closer to what the Buddha looked like but since photography was still 2500 years away no one living person really knows, same goes with what Jesus really looked like. I do find it amusing, Jesus is portrayed more like a European than a Middle Eastern Jew.

Anyhow my younger sister has always been one of those who thinks she is right. She is really like my dad, in that she won't give in to compromise, very opinionated. When she became a born again Christian, she imposed her views on everyone, in other words she got Preachy. She preached to her kids, her husband, co-workers and my family. When it became evident my dad wasn't going to live much longer, she became worried about him going to heaven, she gave him a book about heaven much to my amusement because dad had dementia and had stopped reading, plus dad didn't care about religion in the greater sense, he believed in his own way in a God force but I doubt he gave much thought the logistics of the God, wasn't intellectually inclined either, he lived a simple life without caring about philosophical things. She still preaches to my mom though. Now my mom is a good Christian, she goes to church every Sunday because as she says "it makes her feel better", she treats others with kindness, she admits her faults, she prays because she believes in the power of prayer and prayer aids those she cares about. She doesn't impose her views on others because she believes it isn't any of her business.

One of the things I like about Buddhism is, you are free to follow the path as you see fit. Like 12 step programs, the path is suggested. The choice is yours whether you are willing to go to any lengths to get what is offered by following the path, you can suffer as much or as little as you like. It is also about attraction not promotion. The few Buddhist teachers in the media spot light don't preach/witness. His Holiness the Dalai Lama is beautiful in this respect, a large majority of the time he is all smiles and compassion. If he is on the stage with other religious leaders, they tend to be all stern and somber, while he is smiling, laughing and making jokes. He understands rule 62 "don't take yourself to damn serious". I fall short on some of this; I still smoke, drink too much caffeine, don't do sitting mediation daily, don't have a formal teacher and still have some strong attachments I am working on.

Back to the text conversation. She didn't like my use of Law of Karma, she said it was God not Karma. I debated on responding but thought she needs hear where I am coming from, basically I wasn't going to allow her views to bully me. Like others I have allowed certain people to bully me and she one of those, so I decide I would stick up for my views. I replied back that I don't believe in God the way she does, I follow the Four Noble Truths, Eight Fold Path and believe in the Law of Karma. I told her this was my Higher Power/God of my understanding and the way I applied Spirituality to the practice of the 12 steps in my life, so I was better able to serve others and keep inter peace and serenity. She replied back with a Bible verse. I replied back, I fully comprehend Christianity but don't believe in it as a spiritual path for me, it is great it works for others but it isn't for me, I also said Jesus was a beautiful teacher but I don't agree with the Bible on a lot of things. I suggested she read "Living Buddha, Living Christ" by Thich Hnat Hanh to better understand where I am coming from, I also said "end of conversation. Agree to Disagree." She ended by saying this conversation wasn't Karma, it was ordained and orchestrated by Him, as a gift to me. She also said she loved me. My only reply back was I loved her too. She had the last word but I was know the texting was going nowhere, plus it was mentally exhausting, for one I am not the worlds best texter.

This conversation hasn't disrupted my day. It did temporarily make me angry. My selfish nature thought "how dare you on my birthday make it about you and your beliefs, couldn't you at least have consideration for my path on this one day!" What my heart told me was, I have to accept her for who she is, she hasn't grasped letting go of selfishness. She keeps herself in turmoil because she tends to worry too much about others beliefs and perceptions, how others are living their lives, this is her lot and I honestly feel sorry for her. My ego bit is to say, maybe she needs to sit in a few more meetings, listen to how it is about changing ourselves and not others, about accepting we can't change others, each person is the way they are out of some Divine providence which we as simple mortals have no control over.

I am not an angel when it comes to being non-selfish. I still get a bit angry when people don't act or react the way I feel they should, the reason I shy away from too much politics or the media attention on religion and world affairs. I get pissed when people can't grasp recovery principles, especially when they have been clean and sober for a number of years, when they only read the parts of the Big Book they like and skip over the rest. Yes I am just as guilty of playing God, wanting to change the will of the God concept to fit my needs instead of allowing the concept to takes it's natural course. I want people to read my resume and think "WOW what a great candidate for this position, better get him in here for an interview." Karma hasn't helped my resume, 2 jobs in 18 months, termination and I have a feeling my last employer isn't giving me a good reference because I really hurt her feelings and she is holding a recent towards me, just a guess, could be wrong. I did more footwork on Friday, so now I will just have to be still and see what happens.

I kept Angel again this weekend, we had a great time, mainly because grandpa lets her play with what every she wants as long as it isn't dangerous or breakable. She made a big mess and today I have to vacuum plus clean up a small mess I was too tired to fool with last night.

Gratitude:
I am sober at 48, years of drunk driving didn't kill me or anyone else.
I have a family, sister above included, who love me and even if we disagree still want to talk to me.
I have wonderful daughter and 2 beautiful grand babies I am honor to watch all of them grow and be a part of their lives.
I have wonderful friends who give me love, encouragement and tough love when needed.
I have roof over my head, food in the frig, gas in the car and the main bills are paid up.
I can read and write, I can hear music, the voices of nature and other sounds.
I have a little dog who needs and loves me.
I have spiritual path I not only am comfortable with but enjoy walking, a connection to a God of my understand which is special and personal.
I am grateful for AA and the path it has given me.
I have inter peace and acceptance more times than not, I am no longer the confused and angry person I once was.
I love me today, I humbly say this is a biggie, once upon a time I didn't.

Love and Peace to all my blogger friends, you make me smile in more ways than you know, I am grateful for everyone of you. This day is about all who have touched my life!

Nameste

7:00am Coffee, Smokes and Hershey's Huggets

2011-01-27T05:11:00.000-08:00

Hershey's owes me a dime for mentioning their product here:-) Been munching a lot on these bit sized pieces of chocolate with almonds in them. Being frugal they are a better value than the Kisses, more weight per bag and cheaper by about $.50 per bag. My sleep pattern has really be off of late, most mornings I am up by 7, think it is the anxiety of the unknown. I have also been in bed by 9 most nights, so really I am getting the sleep I need. Positive is, if I get a job working day shift I won't have to fight getting up because I change my sleep pattern while I wasn't working.

Tricia listed my blog as one of the Top 96 Blogs for Recovering Alcoholics”, here is her website, http://www.phdprograms.org/top-96-blogs-for-recovering-alcoholics She also list a couple of our other friends. One is Big Karen who stopped writing last year for personal reasons, I really miss her and hope things are going well for her, her post were very honest and enlightening, I was honored to be her cyber friend.

Tuesday I had a telephone interview for a supply buyers job. The job is with a big manufacture. I feel the interview went fairly well, I know my stuff when it comes to buying, how sometimes it is as much about service and rapport with vendors as it is pricing. The whole phone interview was a bit awkward, I kind of flub up the 18 month career change from manufacturing to human services. I like doing face to face interviews, this way when it comes to personal stuff I can kind of read the person/persons asking the questions, just makes me more comfortable. I now have to wait and see if they want to do a face to face interview. I won't know anything about the cattle company job until next week, bummer dude but that is how it goes.

Yesterday I was back in Kearney. I did the application process with another employment agency. I really hit it off with the manager who did the interviewing. We got to talking about addiction, mainly meth. She moved out here from Arizona, she said meth is really bad there. She also comes from a family of addicts, some are in recovery and others are sick and dying. She had a promising lead for a buyers position in Holdrege NE, 30 miles southwest of Kearney. She said the company is small and very friendly with an atmosphere of people who enjoy their work, one in which my personality would fit in with. With any luck I will have an interview with them next week. Today I will make some calls to see if there are any apartments or houses for rent in Holdrege. Not counting on the job but I still need to do a bit of investigative footwork on the housing front just in case I would get it.

I checked on HUD housing for mom while I was in Kearney, killing time before a AA meeting, Angel and Carter were both taking naps. Got good news on this front. My mom's assets don't go against her moving into a HUD apartment, the price of the apartment is solely based on her income, which is her Social Security payment. She would be paying about $300.00 a month, no utility bills, other than phone and TV. I called mom and told her this and she was really happy. There is a 3-4 month waiting list, I will get her enrolled this morning. She feels rather bad about wanting to follow me, kind of embarrassed but she feels she would be happier back in Kearney, plus knows I will call her and visit her, where as my sister down her won't. She also has a younger sister in Kearney who is really good about taking her shopping or to appointments, mom provides her car for this. Moving her again isn't a big deal, but we will have to have a garage sale to get rid of a bunch of stuff if she is going to move into an apartment.

I have been rereading Alcoholics Anonymous Comes of Age, which is a brief history of the early years based mainly on Bill W's talks at the 20th anniversary convention. I love the history, the stories about Dr. Bob and the other old timers, the Divine insights they had, how even when they had troubles getting others to sober up, they themselves stayed sober by working with other drunks. I also love the discussion on the traditions, which is probably the most important part of the book. This is what I read last night; " Pride, fear and anger---these are the prime enemies of our common welfare. True brotherhood, harmony, and love, fortified by clear insights and right practice, are the only answers. And the purpose of AA's traditional principles is to bring these forces to the top and keep them there. Only then can our common welfare be served; only then can AA's unity become permanent."

It is very true that pride, fear and anger cause a lot of problems in groups but thanks to the traditions things get worked out for the common good of the whole. I look at these as also the stumbling block for individuals and business companies, well actually any organization. If I allow my pride, fear and anger to go unchecked or unresolved, then I am going to create havoc, havoc at work, at home and society at large.

On the other hand if we practice true brotherhood/sisterhood, harmony and love problems/challenges seem to work themselves out. The world is to filled with "one upmanship", with "F-U I am right, you are wrong" attitudes. It doesn't take much paying attention to realize are a lot of people in the world who do not believe in compromise, brotherhood/sisterhood, harmony and love. These negative/wrongful attitudes are found in our homes, churches, businesses, communities, entertainment, government, you can add to the list. They rip apart the very fiber of a peaceful life which is available to all.

Now I am not saying I am perfect nor are organizations which incorporate the principles of compassion and loving kindness. It just seems to me the individuals and organizations which strive to do this on a daily base are more successful in the long run. If my family and I practice these principles we can't help but have an effect on others who come into our lives, whether it be friends, the cashier, the cop, co-workers, so on and so forth. What I guess I am trying to say is, when we apply positive or spiritual principles to our daily lives not only do we get better but the world gets better, even if Fox, MSNBC and CNN prefer to take the low road. It is easy to get caught up in the "F-U" attitude but with mindfulness I can counteract the attitude. For me it is something as simple as correcting negative words towards other drivers or media personalities I dislike. I am not perfect but I am progressing if only slowly some days.

Hope everyone one is feeling a bit of the Sunlight of the Spirit!! Until next time.

Peace Love and Light
Scott

Just Another Rider

2011-01-22T07:17:00.000-08:00

Hey all, we have beautiful large snowflakes coming down here this morning, the kind romantics sing songs and write poems about. We have been blessed and the snow didn't start until after the first of the year. The snow has been the light fluffy kind, so it is easy to shovel accept for the hard stuff the snowplow leaves piled up at the foot of mom's driveway, thankfully I am healthy enough to clear it out without being down in the back or shoulder.

I have been restless most of this week but not irritable and discontented. The restlessness comes from my old friend impatiences. It hasn't even been 2 weeks since my dismissal but I am wanting answers NOW. The main answer is, will I be getting paid unemployment which makes a big difference on which jobs I apply for and forecasting a budget for February. I could probably get a part time job to get some money coming in but I don't like the thought of someone hiring me and then turning around and quiting because a full time job comes open, I just feel this is unfair to the employer. I haven't received a call for an interview from the couple of jobs I applied for either so this was irritating me. Since I can't go outside and mess around working in the yard or just walking in nature, I have a bit of cabin fever. This was how I was until yesterday. I was and am thankful I have a warm apartment, vehicle to drive, cash on hand, little dog to keep me company, laptop, books, movies and music, so I didn't get on my pity pot. I kept reminding myself, if I do the footwork something will come up. Just saying!

Thursday morning I did a job search for jobs in the Kearney area, my old home town. I hadn't gone there before because I don't want to break my lease and also move away from mom. First let me say, North Platte is run by the Union Pacific railroad, the only other major employer is the WalMart distribution center, so jobs are limited here, especially with my background in manufacturing and industrial purchasing, with no college degree I am also limited. Kearney is a more progressive town, there are quite a few manufactures in the area, there is a university also, so the town is more geared toward manufacturing and wholesale services.

My search showed there were indeed jobs in the Kearney area which I was more qualified for. I talked to mom and she accepted I might have to move back to Kearney, if it happens we will just have to make arrangements for someone to do her mowing if I can't make it here. She is also thinking about moving to an apartment complex for the elderly, something with less upkeep. She knows if I move I will stay in constant phone contact and drive down in a heart beat if she needs assistance with anything.

I weighted the pros and cons of moving and the pros won. First is work. Next I have pretty much called Kearney home since I moved back to Nebraska in 1992, I like its vibe and it likes mine. My AA roots and friends are grounded there, my home group, service work, the people I hang with which includes my happy camping friends. Of course Mich and the babies are there. With Mich it is a catch 22, if I move back I will make it clear to her, I am not an on-call babysitter, nor am I a bank. It would be nice though to have the kids spend the afternoon with grandpa or even the night on occasion. My lease is up in April, so I would only be breaking it by a couple of months. Rent in Kearney is the same as here, so there is no added expense. Shopping is actually cheap because you have more stores to choice from which means more competition for better pricing.

Thursday I applied for a buyers position online which one of the employment agencies had listed. I decided Thursday evening I would go to Kearney on Friday and fill out applications with the employment agencies, Kearney has 4 of them. My first stop was at the agency I sent the resume to, the person I emailed was gone Thursday so hadn't looked at the resume until I came in. She said she was impressed with my resume and skills. She told me the buyers job was in a town 30 miles southwest of Kearney but the employer was only guaranteeing the position for 18 months. I told her to go ahead and send it, when I go for the interview, which there is no reason I won't considering I have over 10 years experience as a buyer, I will ask them if at the end of the 18 months will they be offering me another position within the company and take it from there if I am offered the job. If the job is offered and the money is right I will live in Kearney and commute, since rentals are rare in the town where the job is located.

The lady also showed me an opening for another job she felt I was qualified for. It for a Safety Coordinator for a large cattle/feedlot operation, for those of you who don't know; a feedlot is where cattle are sent to be fattened up for, how to I put this gently, well there is no way, slaughter. The feedlot probably covers 10 square miles, lot of cattle, mud and poop. Ninety percent of what they are asking for I can do pretty much right away, the other 10% I can easily learn. The pay is very good which is attractive, as much as my hippy non-materialistic ass hates to admit it. Here is the kicker; I would be moving to a small town 1 hour from Kearney and 1 hour from North Platte. I love the town though and always have. It is the pretty little town of 3500 people, nestled on the edge of the sand hills. It has an old fashion town square and has always had this nostalgic feel to it. I looked up apartments for rent last night, the same company which manages the apartment I live in now manages one in this town, by the way the name of town is Broken Bow, so if hired and there is an apartment available I could possibly roll my lease. There is a country back road which takes you through some of the prettiest canyons and ends up just outside of the town I went to school in, so I know the area. Actually when I joined the Army National Guard it was in this town some 32 years ago. I would be working with real cowboys, guys who use ride horses to check pens and herd cattle with, so my earring would have to come out for work. Weird thing is, Broken Bow has the best damn rock radio station in the state, it is owned and operated by a couple of guys who love good music. They play a mix of old and new, blues, folk, alternative country, alternative rock, punk, funk, reggae, they don't play the same old classic rock stuff all the time, after 40 years Jumpin Jack Flash, Purple Haze, and Stairway to Heaven get old and worn. They play the classic rock artist but are more inclined to play off the wall tracks from classic albums or live cuts of popular songs. In other words they play the music I love. Can you tell I am excited about this prospect. Oh yeah, I know people in AA up there too, this is good old fashion AA, very strong and fellowship related, these are the people who will load up a car and road trip to a meeting 25 miles away in a dinky town to lend support. I am going to email the lady at the employment agency and tell her, if the cattle operation is interested I would like to interview there first, that way if they offer me a job I will gladly take it and not have to concern myself with what will happen 18 months down the road. I know you are all saying breath Wolfie, don't get your expectations up and I am not, I am staying in the moment with a touch hope added in for good measure. If it doesn't materialize then it doesn't materialize.

I spent time with Mich and the kids yesterday too, of course it was wonderful. Had lunch with 1 AA buddy and later picked up another and we went to a 5:15pm meeting together. I have to be back in Kearney on Wednesday for an interview with an employment agency, so I am hooking up with another buddy then, he has the day off. It is nice to spend time with old friends who I haven't sat down and talked with in a couple of months.

The title for the post comes from the new Gregg Allman album, simply brilliant album if you like Gregg's great voice. It is pure old school blues, with a dash of rock and jazz. It sounds like all the musicians are in the same room together during the recording, you get the wonderful echo from the classic albums of a time long forgotten. It was produced by T Bone Burnett, who also kicked ass in producing Mellencamp's last album and also the album Elton John and Leon Russell did together, which is the best music either of them has done in years. Burnett also produce the top selling album by Robert Plant and Alison Krauss, which I own but don't care for. I love Alison but sorry folks, Plant hasn't moved me since Led Zepplin disband.

Seems like a lot of the bloggers I read are going through changes right now, some major some minor. We are all riders on this road campers, some days we ride in the smooth comfort of a brand new Caddy, other days it is a beat up pickup truck feeling every pebble and dip in the road, once in awhile it is the wind in our face feel of a soft tail Harley. Most of the time though it is the comfortable feel of the family sedan, it has some rough spots but it is dependable and gets us where we need to go safely, anyway this is how I think of life. I hope you too can find a comfortable sedan ride in on the road of life.

Peace Love and Light
Scott

Misty Morning Be Bop

2011-01-15T08:42:00.000-08:00

Hey all, there is a beautiful fog outside my window this morning. A blanket which echoes the quietness of a new day.

Thanks to all who commented on my last post and your love and support. I stopped by the office to get a few things I had left behind, did this after all the staff was gone except for the ED. It was explained further to me the damage which may occur do to my writings. It was explained how Google cache's stuff in their memory bank, how anyone might be able to find stuff on the org by typing in the org name. It was pointed out I had mention the org a couple of times in some older post, I forgot I had done this. At the time I posted the org name it was done out of pride for the org and a way for the few who read my blog to check it out.

This morning out of curiosity and a need to possibly justify my actions or at least clear my conscience of wrong doing, I type in the org name and my name a couple of different ways into the Google search engine. After 10 pages there was no mention of my blog connected to the org. After 4 pages there was nothing about me, not even the newspaper police blotter from my arrest. Now I am not saying someone who is really intent on finding out stuff about the org couldn't do a really deep search and come up with my blog but this person would have to do it with the zeal of someone trying to bring down a political figure. As much as I try to be a humble person and accept responsibility for my actions, I am still a human being with an ego and pride. I needed to investigate the accusations against to find out the seriousness of there nature.

My guess is; it has less to do with people finding out who I worked for and any possible damages which might ensue from my writing but sharing my feelings and reflections on matters concerning staff. I admitted the attraction toward to someone I supervised. I talked about the relationship troubles of staff including my supervisor. These topics were caught but what was missed was my feelings about the topics, about my concerns for them and my hope they would find answers to their dilemmas. What was missed was my own admission to seeing a very difficult boundary issue, with the subordinate and how I was working through it in a healthy manner. I acknowledge my shortcoming and was doing the footwork needed. I see how a manager reading my writings could have "red flags", how a fear of lawsuit could make the manager act pro-actively to head off any chance of a lawsuit. This is my guess as to the true nature of my wrong doing, that and my opinions opening up doors someone didn't want to look in. I didn't bash anyone with my words and I will not change my style of writing much because of this incident.

I write because it is in outlet for the weekly goings on in my life. You who read my blog are cyber pen pals. You share about your lives and I share about mine. We encourage each other and sometimes give tough love when needed. We enjoy the journey of life together, through our joys and sorrows, though our struggles. My struggles include the struggles of others as well. Gabi writes a lot about loving, loving ourselves and loving others. With a loving heart comes a genuine concern for the people in our lives. The frustration of being powerless to help someone out when they are hurting, we can listen and at best offer them our experience, strength and hope but in the end like we all know, their river is theirs to cross.

I am doing alright. Tuesday night sucked for sleep, the tape kept rewinding in my head, I lived off of cigarettes and coffee all day, which probably didn't help the sleep much. I had periods of calm, thankfully but it was a day of grief, to allow myself to face the suffering. Tuesday was a day of reflection as well. Wednesday was much better and I was able to accept the events for what they were. I posted my resume on the Nebraska job service website, the people who work there are really great because a lady helped me clean it up so it looked better, she also printed off a few copies for me on nice resume paper. The local Chrysler dealership was looking for an insurance and finance manager, I took my resume to them. The job was filled but he said he was looking for good sales people after some discussion I thought what the hell, I am waiting for a personality test to be emailed to me, the test will determine if I get an interview. Never thought too much about selling cars but my new thoughts are based on my visit with the sales manager; people come in because they like the product, your job is to be friendly and answer questions. This is a dealership which sells primarily new cars, so you are not trying to push a lemon off on someone. I like Chrysler/Dodge/Jeep vehicles, my dad was a Dodge man for many years. It is worth a try, it got me thinking in a different direction anyway, the Ford dealership is looking for salesmen also. I also applied for a job at the large WalMart distribution center, not sure about this, they are needing supervisors. The place is huge, it reminds me of large manufacturing. The fear isn't some much in not being able to do the job but more about it being so big and impersonal. All my life I have worked in fairly small if not small companies, to not have a rapport with upper management is alien to me. Having said this, right now a job is a job, if it looks like something I would pretty much be able to put my energies into for the long haul. College is still on the plate but I am too late for this semester.

Job hunting is a catch 22 right now. I am eager to get back to work but I can't get a job for the sake of a job. I need to bide my time for a bit. I don't want to start something only to quit because something comes along which I am better qualified for with better long term possibilities. I am not broke yet and should be received unemployment pay, will know for sure hopefully by the end of next week. The hardest thing for me to do is, do nothing and wait. Unemployment only requires I apply for 2 jobs a week. So I watch movies, mess around on line some, read, keep the house clean and play with the dog who is digging me being home this much. If the kids were closer I would watch them but I am afraid if I bring them down here for a couple of days and then get called in for an interview, I have no one to watch them for me. I am also hitting meetings, getting to know more people in the local AA community.

I applied for and received food stamps. This will help out quite a bit, the dog and I don't need much but every dollar saved is a benny.

So I sit and look out at the fog covered world this morning with a floor of snow. I am serene and peaceful. I have challenges in my life but they aren't overwhelming. I have a warm apartment to live in, I have food, coffee, clean water, cheap soda and smokes. I have a vehicle with gas in it and a valid licence for driving it. I am not destroying my life with alcohol or drugs. I have people in my life who care about me. I have the awareness to see the beauty in nature no matter what the season. Life is good, also each day is one day closer to warm weather, spending time outdoors, camping and cookouts. I plan on doing a silent camping retreat this summer at a secluded lake, either alone or with a couple of friends who would understand the experience. Yes I dream of summer but on the dwelling type of dream.

Hope all of you are doing well with what ever life is throwing your way!
Until next time.

Peace Love and Light
Scott

Standing in the Hallway

2011-01-11T14:40:00.000-08:00

Well a door was closed today, so I am standing in the hallway once again waiting for another door to open. The door which was closed was the job I loved so much. I was terminated at noon today. The reason for my terminate was, my boss read my last post on this blog and a couple of previous post.

I have always consider my blog to be a safe place to talk about what is going on in my life. I share openly with you because you share openly with me. I maybe naive but believe those I follow and those who follow me are genuine and honest. We would not use this medium to hurt others. I have been very careful in the anonymity of those I write about. Yes it is and will continue to be a way to process my thoughts, right or wrong. My boss viewed my writing as dangerous to the organization for which I worked. She felt if the wrong person/persons or group read the blog and really wanted to find out who I am and who I work for they could. She is correct if someone really wanted to dig I am not that anonymous, my picture is here, I mention my daughter by her nickname and my grand babies by name. The town in where I live is also noted and the description about me is broad enough that in a rural America people could fathom out who I am. If someone wanted to do this type of investigation they would then know who I work for and who some of the people I anonymously talk about are.

My response to this is, I plead total ignorance to thinking someone would do this, I plead a sense of naivety towards anyone wanting to do this. I am not dumb about the Internet, I know people use it all the time to harm others. I keep my Facebook comments very general and never air dirty laundry on it. Never in my wildest imagination did I nor do I think some one would use this blog by a simple old ex-drunk to damage others or myself.

What I write about is me, my feelings, my insights about what is going on in my life. My life touches others, as do yours. I feel my thoughts on others and my criticisms are done our of concern. I end such comments usually on a positive note, a bit of hope and compassion. I look at what my part in every situation is and where I have possibly been in error. I offer my thoughts to others because others may be going through similar challenges in life, maybe my thoughts can help them, maybe their feedback can help me. Our Higher Power gives us many tools to work though life on life on life's terms, to me this blog is just another tool. I enjoy writing, I enjoy the feedback others give, it keeps me in check with ego, my emotions. I could write in a paper journal instead on an electronic one but I enjoy the camaraderie we have here, the other voices from other rooms. I have my suspicions as to what the underlying reason for my termination was; I broke a trust.

Most of us here have accepted being transparent. If we go to meetings or group therapy we are comfortable with others knowing what is going on in our lives, or we have a few trusted individuals who know. I forget the rest of the world doesn't operate this way. I take for granted my thoughts on what is going on in other peoples lives, is extremely personal to them. Just because I trust my readers doesn't mean the parties I am talking about trust you. Again I am taking anonymity too far.

I deeply regret any damage I have done. The hurt I feel is very deep. Part of the hurt is in loosing the best job I every had due to my own actions, my own inability to think about the reality of what I post in this blog. This is a wound which will probably take a while to heal. I hurt because my words effected another so deeply, some one I consider a friend and mentor. I will get over this door in my life being closed.

Tomorrow I will start looking for another job. I will go to the local college and see about classes and funding. I love working with people, so maybe now is the time to get a degree which will assist me in continuing to work with others. My not having a degree has held me back from getting jobs in social services. My personal experiences in life don't mean much on the job market, this was one of the few jobs where people were hired for their life experiences over college degrees. This line of work is where my heart is. I may have to do other things to get where I want to go but in the end I will get there. This is a Karmic wake up call.

I don't have to drink over this pain. I am not white knuckling it either. I am doing the best to open my mind and heart to my Higher Power. I am trying my best to just breath. Each day is a new beginning. My brain has finally become dead, so I am call this a wrap.

Thanks for your love and support a head of time.

Peace Love and Light
Scott

Sunday morning chat

2011-01-09T08:47:00.001-08:00

Hi all!! We are having steady snow here this morning, probably 3 inches so far and it is expected to continue until tomorrow. Boss sent me a text to remind me if the schools are closed then so are we and I am NOT allowed to go to work. I have the on-call cell phone so it isn't a big deal. The funny thing is; there was a time in my life when I would have gladly accepted not going to work because I didn't care about the job I was doing, now I enjoy work and look foreword to being there and Have to be Told to stay home.

Our little miracle baby turned 1 on Monday!! The pictures show how much he has grown. A lot of us commented on how we didn't know if he would be with us for 1 day and how here it is a year later and he is a healthy baby. Mich had a party for him yesterday. I took my mom to Kearney with me to celebrate. He is amazing in retrospect. He is starting move around by rolling, he was clapping his hands yesterday and I caught this on video. One would never know he was such a fragile little being a year ago. Even though I don't have the daily interaction with him like I did with Angel when she was a baby, he still knows my voice and face and reacts with smiles when I talk to him. This is a gift of being sober and living a calm life.

I had to make a tough decision to not enable Mich and Matt this week. She called me and told me their electricity had been shut off. Prior to Christmas she called concerning her electric bill and I told her to talk to the power company. I couple of months ago I paid the past due plus a bit of the current due. I could have borrowed money this time but it wouldn't have helped them. They need to be responsible for their bills, talking to people when they can't pay them, never assuming just because they have babies the power company will not shut them off. There are also 2 people in the house who are capable of working and neither one has made an effort at getting a job. I don't care if Matt will possibly get his manufacturing job back in a month or so, possibilities aren't paying the bills today. Mich is just as guilty, it sucks she has less than ideal work history, history of being late for work and calling in because she can not work for one reason or another. The compassionate thing to do is let them sweat things out, figure out what they need to do to improve their situation. They will not learn if people keep bailing them out. She never told me how they got the power back on and I didn't ask. It is hard at times for me to let her suffer but I know it is the best thing to do, what happened wasn't life threatening, just a crappy situation they put themselves in.

Well campers it is time for the dog and I do have brunch. It will be a day spent inside watching movies, vegging on the couch and eating, which I am sure the dog will enjoy. Hope all is well in your lives!!!

Peace, Love and Light
Scott

My ego needs your thoughts

2011-01-02T11:30:00.000-08:00

Hey all, I have been kicking this idea for a manuscript for the AA Grapevine around in my head for some time. This weekend I finally sat down and composed it. Part of me feels it is egotistical to want something I wrote published, the other part says if I really believe in myself and my words then why not share them with a bigger audience. The bigger audience part won out. I like what I wrote and do believe in and practice to the best of my ability what I wrote. I have had 2 articles published in the Grapevine in the past, neither time did I brag about it, I told my sponsor and let my mother read them but other than that the only way anyone know was via word of mouth. So my humble approach to the possiblity of this being published is the same. The ego side is posting here for your feedback, I respect your thoughts on what I write which gives me the self confidence take a chance on others enjoying what little gift I have. My words are not originally, they are thoughts derived from others influences, some of which you all have contributed. Thanks for any feedback, good or bad you may have.

Becoming Babies again

Many of us have had the joy of new babies in our lives once we received the gift of sobriety, whether they are our own, our grandchildren or the children of others close to us. For me it is grandchildren, I was sober when my daughter was born but relapsed 5 years later, for the next 10 years she was raised with an alcoholic father. My grandchildren have brought a new perspective to my life, a perspective brought on by spiritual awareness.

On the day my granddaughter was born, my first grandchild, the Daily Reflection quoted this passage from the Big Book. “Actually we were fooling ourselves, for deep down in every man, woman and child is the fundamental idea of God. It may be obscured by calamity, by pomp, by worship of other things, but in some form or other it is there.” Sitting outside reading this passage early in the quiet Midwestern morning while my daughter was giving birth was one of many spiritual experiences I have had. I had recently set on the path of Buddhism, so what Bill wrote coincided with what the Buddha taught.

Eighteen months later, I received a phone call in the middle of the afternoon to tell me my daughter was going into labor 17 weeks premature. As I drove the 2 hours to the hospital I calmed myself by know what ever was happening would happen, I had no control over the events unfolding. I reached to the God inside seeking the strength and love which resides there. My grandson was born 1 pound 10 ounces, he was air flown to a children’s hospital in Omaha. My daughter was alright other than being scared, I comforted her best I could, reassuring her doctors would do all they could to make sure the baby survived.

He did survive and is now a healthy 1 year old. He has minor troubles due to being born so prematurely, mainly he is susceptible to respirator infections. He is very attentive, active; he coos and tries to talk, being in a house of talkative people he needs to get his voice heard also. He is our miracle baby. Even though I haven’t been able to spend as much time with him as I did his sister, he is another apple in my eye.

When I think about my grandbabies, I think about how innocent they are and how healthy their minds are. As infants they are truly what I believe, God like, not that I or anyone else really knows the mind of God. They have no prejudices, no preconceived notions, and no labels for things. When they are hungry they cry, they cry when in pain sometimes, yet how often have adults missed an infection because a baby didn’t act like it was sick. Adults on the other hand are prone to whine about every ache and pain, small or large. They do sense tension in adults, acting out in a way signaling there is a spiritual imbalance in the home. They have a primary need to be loved, held and comforted but can live without it and unfortunately too many babies do. They know how to live in the moment. They have no concerns over the past or the future, when they play they are truly in the moment. From the time they wake to the time they go to sleep it is all about being in the moment, how wonderful is this!

It is adults who introduce them to notions and ideas. We say something is blue, they learn about blue but before the introduction it wasn’t anything other than a sight in their eyes. We tell them certain things are right and certain things are wrong. Part of right and wrong is for their own safety and part is to control the selfishness which is developing in their brains, the desire to have what they want, when they want it. Our likes and dislikes become theirs. Our prejudices and ignorance’s become theirs as well. I developed emotionally with many of the same prejudices my parents had and until my brain was developed enough to make my own decisions I held on to them and some are still there, to which I am not happy about but work on to the best of my daily spiritual fitness.

Babies have no material attachments; yes they have emotional attachments to their caregivers and maybe the material attachment to a favorite toy or blankie but not much beyond this. When 2 or 3 years enter a day care center, they don’t care if their clothes came from a thrift store, discount store, or fashion boutique. They have no concept of status quo, social norms or status. Adults on the other hand are attached to all kinds of things, lost of attachment can lead to suffering. A suffering most of us aren’t willing to endure, myself included unless we have no choice.

My wonderfully thick hair is thinning, something I never thought would happen. I don’t dwell on this but I do notice the extra hair on the shower drain, I also have to make sure my head is covered when I spend a long time out in the sun; sun burned my head for the first time last summer, a spiritual experience and wake up call of the painful variety. I am not one to be materialist about neither the vehicle I drive nor how fancy the outside of my home is. But I am proud of my trinkets from my travels around the world, I am arrogantly proud of my large music collection, is a bit eclectic by Midwestern terms and so is my library. I have an attachment to a small silver loop earring I wear and the symbolism of it. I am attached to my job and the position I have even though it is low paying by most people’s standards. My job is spiritually fulfilling, one in which I service others but even an attachment to a selfless job is still attachment. If all these things disappeared tomorrow would I be able to be childlike with my acceptance of having no attachments, no means of defining who I am?

If I strive to relinquish my preconceived notions, my prejudices and my attachment, then I am working towards being more childlike. For me this means finding the inter God and working towards total open mindedness of a God being. I work on what Bill calls the “root of our troubles” selfishness---self-centeredness. I find my inter peace/serenity when I stop criticizing others for being who they are, or for life in general for being what it is contrary to how I want it to be. I accept my attachments don’t make me who I am and others see me for more than my attachments. My attachments are just a small gift, they are not a need but a want. My Higher Power did not make my attachments, my ego driven self did. When I get compliance on this practice all I have to do is watch my grandbabies or think about them, they remind me in the simplest of ways, how crazy I can make my life.

The Steps are the tools for my awareness of how complicated I can make my life, how I create my own prison of suffering. Step 3 was a decision to follow a different path, one leading away from the “bondage of self”. Steps 4 and 5 showed me where I had been ignorant of my actions and thoughts, how I can be damaging to others and true God centered self. Steps 6 and 7 give me a guide for awareness of non-compassionate views; taken to heart they put me on the road of being a better being among beings. Steps 8 and 9 are the levelers of pride and ego which allow me to reconstruct damaged relationships when possible. Step 10 keeps me in check with my actions, my ego, my selfishness as it manifest itself during the day, I do my best to have mindful presences of step 10 throughout my day. Step 11 is where I gain the insight to work the other steps, to focus being more God conscience and less me conscience. Step 11 is where I acknowledge the need to be like the pure nature of the infant and toddler, putting away my past experiences to live in the moment without fear, hatred or unrealistic needs. Step 12 is giving back what gifts the God of my understanding has given me to others, to acknowledge I didn’t accomplish anything on my own, it was only through the gift of a spiritual awakening aided by God using others for an instrument of instruction it was made possible.

My grandbabies have taught me more about life than I will ever teach them. The words and actions I may bestow on them in the future really come from them. They have shown me the true nature of God and the Buddha’s teachings. What an honorable blessing this!!

Zero degrees outdoors, 100 degrees in my heart

2010-12-31T08:57:00.000-08:00

We have received our first blast of winter. The bitter wind rolled in yesterday, we have received only a bit of snow though maybe 3". Generally it seems we get our worst winter weather after the first of the year, Jan, Feb and March tend to be nasty. We have been lucky and anytime I have heard someone complain I remind them how worse it has been in West Virginia, Minnesota and Michigan. As bloggers we live beyond our own front doors. This afternoon I will venture out, put gas in the vehicle for weight as much as need, visit with mom and shovel her walks, get movies and a tad bit of groceries and head home. I have a ham bone, ham pieces left over, they are going in the crock pot with beans, so a nice pot of ham and beans is my New Years Eve supper.

Christmas was nice and small. Mom expected my cousins to show up but they all had things going on with their families, so it was just a couple of aunts, an uncle, my sister and her husband. Mich, Matt and the babies showed up in the afternoon. Later they came over here and we watched a movie. I kept Angel over night and we had a great time together. I really miss her smiling face, active mind and good nature. She played with some of Grandpa's decorations, ones she couldn't break easily, I have some miniature trinkets from around the world and she was having fun with them, I also have a few cool rocks sitting around which she loves to play with. Her main food consisted of baby dill pickles and black olives, using a tooth pick for a fork, figured it wouldn't hurt her to much for 1 day. I was really sad when I got home from dropping her off. Her presents was strong in the house and I miss having her presents consistently around the house. Anyone who has a loved one not close at hand knows what I mean. Not something to dwell in just a part of our lives we aren't able to connect with as often as we would like. It makes me get out of self and focus on being in the present for her, same goes for being with Mich and Carter.

So 365 days have come and gone, 2010 leaves and 2011 begins. 2010 has been a year of highs and a few lows for me, as you all well know. I don't know or care to know what 2011 has in store. I have few things on the horizon, taking my mom to Idaho to see my favorite aunt in April and of course doing some camping, going to Soberfloat but all this could change in the blink of an eye. 2010 was a teaching year, it taught me big time about impermanence. About accepting the things I can't change and doing the footwork to change the things I can. I learned to walk hand in hand with suffering, to find peace and serenity in crappy situations. I grasped non-self a bit more clearly and embraced selflessness a bit more strongly. The law of Karma worked in my life without me work towards it or against it. I have been "busy being born" because I have kept my mouth shut enough to hear the awareness and use it for good, sometime this has come after using it wrongly and correcting my actions and thoughts. There is plenty of room for more growth, this is the beauty of being fully alive in the world.

I am 1 misdirected thought away from destroying everything I just talked about. One misdirected thought and I am standing in front of a cashier with a six pack of tall boy Bud Light. One misdirected thought and I am lashing out in anger and someone who doesn't deserve to be emotionally abused. One misdirected thought and I set the stage for being an enemy to others. One misdirected thought and my mother no longer has a reliable person to assist her. The list can go on and on. Recovery is about being spiritually and emotionally aware of the destructive nature within my thoughts. My old nature is alive and well within me, just as my alcoholism is. I do my best to keep the daily reprieve in my life, to know the only thing between me and the first drink is a power greater than I. I may back slide into being a selfish prick on occasion but so far not far enough back to pick up again.

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE

2010-12-24T08:26:00.000-08:00

Has anyone else experience the inability to sleep in as they grow older? It use to be on a day off I could sleep 10 hours easily but now no matter how tired I am I still wake up close to the same time I do on work days, might get in an extra hour but nothing more, which means I am still up by 8:30am. Not really complaining, just at times it would be nice to sleep in like days of old, since I have no real reason to be up early. I remember thinking how people were nuts for getting up at the usual time on their days off, now I know it isn't a choice, by body clock has changed and I am getting older and doing things older people do. This is really evident when I am camping with my younger friends, they sleep in and I am up at the crack of dawn, part of this comes from being old enough to enjoy and celebrate the peace and quiet of the new day, where as they wake up chatting away. Just saying.

Today will be filled with baking cupcakes, have this easy recipe for pumpkin cupcakes with cinnamon chips. I also bought the fixings for peanut clusters and will make them. I will take advantage of the day and clean the house. I have a few presents left to wrap as well. All this will be done to the sound of Christmas music, the Indigo Girls have a wonderful Christmas album, plus my old standby's TransSiberian Orchestra and Jethro Tull Christmas album.

My mom asked my yesterday if I was alright spending Christmas Eve on my own. I told her , it was no biggie since I have done it a lot over the years. She then tearfully said she wasn't, since the kids and dad are all gone she finds Christmas Eve very hard. We decided to have supper together tonight and then I will drive her around town to look at Christmas lights/decorations. It is the least I can do her help her through a tough time. She is 81 years old and may not have many years left. I thought she was worried about my sanity due to the break up and kids being away from home, you know it is all about me. I never thought she would be sad being alone on Christmas Eve. To me it is just another day but to her it still has special meaning, so I will honor it for her.

Tomorrow mom is having Christmas dinner and the gathering at her house. She said this would be the last time, since she fears not being able to handle it in the future. My mom and sister are doing the turkey and I am doing a ham plus the honorable green bean casserole. My aunts and cousins will all being food, so there will be plenty to eat. I will help set things up this afternoon and again tomorrow. My plan for tomorrow is to get up, put the ham in the oven, then drive out to visit with my dad and give him his Christmas coffee, the cemetery is only 15 miles from here. Mich and the kids should be down about 2pm, they are spending the morning with her boyfriends family. We will open presents in the afternoon.

My gratitude goes out to being sober and awake. If not for these factors I wouldn't be "present" to do these things. My Dickensian Christmas Past is filled with being foggy headed, holding off until mid afternoon to start drinking, waiting for the cold elixir to calm my nerves and clear my head, to bring a false sense of merriment to the day. Like Scrooge, I woke up from a Hell filled dream to understand the true meaning of Christmas.

My thoughts and prayers of positive energy go out to those struggling this Christmas, which includes my blogger friends. A friend of mine in Kearney is spending the last Christmas with her terminal ill son, his days in this life are numbered. She has wrapped herself with the love of God and Fellowship and is doing the best she can to be strong for him. Two of the families we work with have experienced tragedy in the last few days. One was the death of a surrogate grand daughter from child abuse. If there is a God and Jesus I hope this 3 year baby is bring cradled in their loving arms, along with all the other babies who have suffered at the hands of sick adults. The other death hits closer to home. The husband/father of a family we work with died from alcoholism, mom was on the road of recovery but dad was caught in his addiction. He choked on his own vomit in his sleep. I have been praying mom has a strong enough connection with the fellowship and other supports to make it through this horrible time in her life and those of her young children, from what we know she is staying with her mother and given free counseling. Next week the Partner who has been working with her will non forcefully see what additional supports we can offer.

I know Jesus is the reason for the season but I feel the Buddha would appreciate it too. Any time or occasion when people go out of their way to show an extra bit of love and compassion would be approved by him. I may not pray to Jesus but I honor his true message of peace, love and compassion. His message of treating all equally, riding ourselves of intolerance and prejudice. My favorite story is of the Good Samaritan, it was one of his most powerful messages for our world today.

Well my friends, I hope everyone has a peaceful and loving Christmas, one celebrated in your heart of hearts. For those who might of missed in the previous post it has pictures of our new office.

My the God of your understanding Bless each and every one of us!!!

Love
Scott

I am Single Again

2010-12-04T19:29:00.001-08:00

Started to write this last night but my computer is infected by a virus McAfee can't remove, it is some kind of Security virus, these warnings keep popping up, telling me to start my anti-virus and it isn't from McAfee. I will just have to take the laptop in tomorrow. I am writing this from work, thank God for backups.

Lady B broke up with my yesterday. I have had a gut feeling all week and even last weekend something was up. During the week none of our conversations end with her saying "I love you". I was hoping she just wanted a break for awhile, thought she was having some seasonal depression. Her reason was she just doesn't think it will work out, we have too many differences, she said I am not ready to be a dad and she isn't ready to be a grandma. I never wanted to be a dad to her boys, they have their own dads, just wanted to be on friendly bases with them, especially the youngest since his dad isn't a very good dad, tried to a role model for him. As for her being a grandma, I never her asked to be, think maybe this is just something that bothered her with the age difference. She started trying to explain herself then stopped and said she didn't have, which I agreed with. Basically we are moving in different directions.

On the way home and of course last night, I thought a lot about all of this. From my view what I see happened was, I was able to accept her for our differences but she wasn't able to accept mine. I suppose I didn't mind the difference because it was nice being in a relationship, we also didn't live together so our difference didn't get in the way of daily life. Another thing was the miles between us and neither one of us willing to move to the others town any time in the future. She is very close to her family in Kearney. I have my job here and plan on staying with it because my heart is in it. Also my mom is here and I put myself in the role of taking care of her needs, it was too hard living in Lincoln and trying to do this.

So now for the differences. I have over 500 CD's, she only has one, she listens to contemporary pop, hip hop and I don't, I don't really like most of it and will call certain stuff crap, yeah my arrogant intellectual pride showing its self. I have a book case plus filled with books, she owns 4 books, 2 Big Books, a Daily Reflections and an Al-Anon daily mediation book. I know stuff about movies, directors, actors and like some of the off in left field drama's whick leave you thinking. She enjoys watching these with me, but doesn't know actors by name for the most part and doesn't think past what was just watched. There is also the spiritual difference, she can't grasp my spirituality which in turns leads to her not understanding how I have become more dependent on spiritual practices than AA meetings. There are difference in work philosophy, I love of helping others and not the money, she feels I am way under paid. She isn't materialistic but maybe my nonchalant attitude about money bothers her. I recently did one of those "about me" things on Facebook, when I was doing it I realized a lot of what I was putting down where things she didn't understand or know about, nor did she want to.

I have worked hard at being humble with her and her kids. I never tried to force my interest on them or understanding them. I must admit I have made some comments about kids now days being so dependent on video games they have forgotten how to read. And I have made comments about the violent nature of video games and her youngest being mean spirited at times. So yes I have made snide comments about their interest, my bad.

During warm weather we spent a lot of time outdoors. Now with winter we are inside, being inside probably made her start to think about the difference. I don't know and it isn't for me to know. I do know at times it got quiet or if I started talking about certain things she didn't have any feedback.

Rationally with these amount of differences I probably should have known it wouldn't work out in the long run. I took this journey because we are attracted to each other, because we enjoyed being in each others company. I don't feel the attraction went away, just other things stepped in. I do feel that people with opposite interest can have a relationship. Reality check here, we can have a relationship based on seeing each other on weekends but when the time came to move in together would it work? Could I have my space for books and music, for writing, for spiritual time alone? Could I handle the daily noise of having a bipolar kid, with the ups and downs? Maybe, maybe not.

During this relationship I put my spiritual practices where my month is, most of the time. When I was upset, I checked what my selfish nature was up to, I accepted the things I could not change and changed what I could, mainly my thinking my ways were best. I worked on being compassionate and understanding. When I didn't get my emotional needs met, I accepted she didn't see the need the way I did and I couldn't control her feelings or actions. I was hurt when she didn't help with bouts of grief over my dad, she hasn't lost anyone, so she doesn't understand how at certain times the grief comes rushing back and it is nice to have someone sooth the sadness with kind words or a simple hug. I didn't bow down to her, I didn't go over board on people pleasing with her, I saw and see her as an equal. Maybe I compromised some of me because of having live without someone for so long but I was alright with those compromises.

Last night I was very sad and still am a little bit. There will be a grieving cycle just like any other time we lose something special in our lives. I am thankful for the growth I was allowed to experience in this relationship. I was able to work through feelings of fear, fear of rejection. I was able to work on my self esteem, to know someone can love me, that I am not always just a male good friend. I was able to really look closely at the desires which bring on suffering and not just sexual, sex was a part of what we had but not a major part. I was able to further pin point what I need in a partnership. Granted we had our differences but we also had a lot in common, like working hard, being pragmatic about religion, politics, society in general. She is open to trying new things and so am I, with the exception of jumping out planes or off bridges. We both love the outdoors. She didn't wear a lot of make up nor was her hair done in the newest fashion, I like women who have a natural beauty and she does. I am grateful for the season we spent together, she will also be a part of me and have a place in my heart.

All along I have told myself, if the relationship ends all will be alright. Nothing is permanent, we can't control others and it isn't always about me. I am moving on, this is a new day, a new moment in time. I am sure I will find another lady to have in my life down the road, cause I see the friendly smiles of women all the time. Lady B and I hooked up when I finally stopped craving a relationship so bad. I am not in a hurry to find a bed mate, even though last night I did go there for a few minutes but knew it was a sick notion.

The bright side of all this and this is not a put down on Lady B. I can start putting more time into the local AA meetings. I have been mostly absent from them, due to work, being home at night for our nightly conversation, she goes to bed early so if I attended an 8:00pm meeting she would be in bed when I get home, she didn't stop me from meetings, I stopped me. I can also spend my weekends at home, so even if evening meetings don't pan out I can catch weekend meetings like I was doing in Kearney, time to move on, leave Kearney AA in Kearney and find my fellowship here in my home town. I can also spend more time working around mom's, still a lot to be done, I was doing good when the sun was out until 8:00pm or later but now all I have is weekends. Since I can't stay at Mich's house on weekends, I will just have to give her gas money so she and the kids can come spend the night with me once in awhile, I will also have to just start making day trips on weekends to see them every once in awhile. I will only go to Kearney to see the kids when I can, if something else needs done I will take care of it. I bought the Ford Explorer, so now with not spending money on going out to eat every weekend, I will be alright with the added expense of the vehicle and not have to pinch my pennies so close. Honestly we split a lot of the eating out cost, but being one who likes to cook, I always ended up buying food, my choice not something which was expected. I got through this without drinking or drugging, I felt the pain and know it is only human, I understood the pain will pass and there was no need to kill it with beer, wine, gin or drugs. Alcohol would only destroy all the other wonderful things in my life, there are too many to list but regular readers know them.

Thanks for letting me share this with all of you. Writing always helps me see things, mediation wasn't in the plan, this has provided the calm which will allow for mediation later. I need to go get a few cleaning supplies, yup going to clean the house. I also have to go tell mom what has happened. She will be upset but she is a praying woman, she believes God answered her prayers once and will again.

Until next time campers.

Peace Love and Light
Scott

4 years on, well almost.

2010-11-27T07:20:00.000-08:00

The house is quiet, Lady B had to work and took the youngest with her. Later we are picking up the oldest then going to a hotel for the night. Her roommate is having her family Thanksgiving here, it is a whole dramatic event, so the best thing to do is get the hell out of Dodge. Mich and the kids plus some other friends will come over to the hotel and take advantage of the pool and hot tub. We will probably go see a movie tomorrow, my choice is Harry Potter but I am out voted on this one, have to go see it on my own.

I think I am safe in safe in saying Monday I will have 4 years sobriety. November 29th 2006 I walked into a treatment center. Mentally I wasn't ready to quit drinking, just needed to get the heat off and get my ass out of a lot of trouble. Sanity returned within a couple of days and I was willing to do the footwork again to pursue a sober life. My life was filled with unhappiness, hopelessness and unease at this time, within a short few days hope and a glance of serenity started filling up my heart and head. I reconnected with the joy I had once had before when I was on a spiritual path void of alcohol and drugs. Call it what you will, miracle or good karma but I survived a 10 year relapse and found recovery once again.

I have weathered many changes in these 4 years. The first was my daughter being removed from my home and going to live in a group home for troubled girls. Next was her being pregnant at the age of 16. I am grateful to say the birth of Angel turned her life around considerably, though she still makes big mistakes but most 19 year old's do. I have learned not to enable her too much, to be there for her as best I can. She once hated me and today she says I love you when get done talking. I am a part of her life and the life of my grandchildren.

A spiritual path was opened to me about 9 months into recovery. The path of the Dharma has been a wonderful learning adventure, it has brought me inter peace and mindfulness I never had before. I never built a spiritual foundation during the previous 9 years of sobriety, probably why I drank again. My spirituality is like a lot of peoples some days strong, some days weak. Today I have a sense of awareness about my inter suffering, which is a pain in the ass sometimes because I really don't want to take spiritual actions, I want to be a baby and wallow in my pity or anger. I work a lot on knowing life isn't about me and my needs, if my partner is upset it doesn't always mean it is something I have done, same goes for other important people in my life.

I have written a lot about my dads death and will only say it has been a big opportunity for growth and self awareness.

I have learned and am learning about close relationships. I tried to force someone into loving me, chewed up a lot of money but it was money well spent because I learned you can't do it. My relationship with Lady B is good. I have learned I have no control over her feelings and like I said if she is upset it isn't always about me. I have learned to not be such a people pleaser with her, I don't need to do things just to try and force her to be happy. In my previous marriage what came out of my 4th step was I was a big people pleaser and enabler, doing this would send my serenity out of balance. For the most part Lady B is too independent to allow this to happen, her pride is equal to mine in this area. I am learning healthy relationships aren't always lovey dovey, we have periods of quiet time. I crave to know everything is alright when the quiet sets in, I want my fear of rejection to be removed, my crazy mind whats to run in case hurt is forth coming. All of this is just screwed up perceptions, false fear, and my old friend low self esteem messing with me. I am learning I really need to make it clear when I am joking, this was evident yesterday, especially when Aunt Flow comes to visit. My joking is has a dark or cynical side to it, when she isn't mentally in good spirits she takes it personally, this is my bad because I sounded critical when I wasn't. I honestly think it is a good thing there are 90 miles between us. If we had jumped into this by moving in together, I doubt neither one of us would be taking the time to think things out. Even though we talk daily we haven't felt the need to put on false faces to keep the house from being in turmoil if one of us is having a down day. I am sure she is learning about herself as well.

I have changed careers in this 4 years also, another thing I have written plenty about. Changing careers has been an exercise in footwork, mental and spiritual. I have had to chance my way of thinking and doing things. I have learned more about acceptance and living in the moment. I have learned to use my voice, to stand up for myself when need be, to check my motives before I speak. The people I have and do work with are so much different then those who work in manufacturing, I have had to learn how to take a different approach to handling situations. Smile moment; we will intuitively know how to handle situations which use to baffle us! I don't take for granted my insights nor my other gifts, what I have is blessing. What I have has been there all along, it was hidden from view for the most part and needed a spiritual kick in the butt to come out. It needed a spiritual path to be use properly, for me to see my strengths and weakness and work on both accordingly.

I have started taking care of my mother, it started with both of my parents because of dads dementia. I have no ill feelings over this. I am grateful I am able to do this. I chalk this one up to Karma, paying back for when they took care of me and living life correctly. Oh sometimes I get up set with my sisters, my brother has never been attentive or said he wanted to be towards my parents needs so I accept him, my sisters have both said they would help out and not followed through. I accept they have their own lives, they do what they do and it is not my job to judge them.

I humbly owe I all am today to my Higher Power which I choose to call the Dharma and the fellowship of AA. I have my disagreements with AA and some of the people at meetings. Over all when AA's message, the steps, the traditions and service work are kept simple the way Dr. Bob intended it to be, AA is the best way for people like me to get and stay sober. People who needed to know it was alright to believe in a God of our own understanding, people who need to be around other ex-drunks to remember they were once hopeless drunks and can return to living in Hell with one sip. I feel the message of selfishness being the root of all our troubles, seeming to get side tracked by a lot of mumble jumble; too much prayer without footwork and sometimes making AA an Idol to be worshipped. I am grateful for those who see this also, stay around and make damn sure the message is carried on as intended. If AA didn't exist I like others would either be dead, in prison or a mental institution. I am grateful for the fellowship of friends in recovery, those I know in person and online. I am grateful for camp outs and bonfires with fellow travelers on the road to happy destiny!

I am grateful for this blog, it has been my journal and a healthy outlet. It has also been a way for me to stay productive when I had too much idol time on my hands. I am grateful for the fellow bloggers I have met along the way. Some are gone and I miss them and hope they are well. To those who are still here, thanks for being my friend. We may never meet in person, but you have touched my life, you are a part of the journey.

Well campers, I need to get something in my stomach, then off to a noon meeting.

Peace Love and Light!!!!!

Scott

Yesterday and Today

2010-11-26T16:02:00.000-08:00

Hey wasn't that the name of a Beatles album:-)

Yesterday was good, Lady B, her mom and I made some of the food. We were given the task of making sweet potato casserole, irony is none of us like sweet potatoes, so we laughed as fumbled our we through making them but those who ate them said it was good. Mich's boyfriend/Carter's dad show up to my surprise, I don't hate the kid nor is he not invited to spend time with us, just don't like that he is a lazy pot smoker who spends too much time playing Magic cards and not enough do things around the house. Carter was in a really good mood, he was laughing, smiling and talking up a storm. Angel was her usual busy body self.

I knew the uneasiness would lift once I got to town and around Lady B. Her mom is really nice and we get along well, same goes for her sister.

I stopped at the cemetery on the way to Kearney, poured some coffee on my dad's grave, mediated for a few minutes and smiled. My dad was like me in he liked his coffee. I also poured some coffee on the grave on of one of the best characters I ever met in AA. George was something else, he chained smoked, drank a lot of coffee, teased the women in a harmless way and grunted when he talked. He died while I was back out drinking, feel bad I didn't to tell him how much he meant to me. His grave is a short walk away from dad's, when I visit dad I also pour some coffee on his grave and if the wind isn't blowing leave a cigarette in memory, he was friend of my dad's too so it is cool their stones are close together. George didn't have any family AA was his family, his sobriety date is on his stone, kind of cool.

Today I woke up hacking bad with drainage again, not sure if it was caused by the dry air in Lady B's bedroom or the junk just flaring up again. But after a couple cups of coffee and a few cigarettes, yeah I know shouldn't smoke but the chemicals in the cigarettes help at least that is my rationality, I was better. I did the Black Friday thing. Went and bought some fuzzy sleeper socks for $.99 for the ladies who work for me, figured I could give them the socks with candy attached, not much just a way to show them I appreciate the work they do. Lady B had to work but she had me buy some jeans that were on sale for her youngest. I bought her youngest a sleeping bag and battery operated lantern. I didn't find anything for Angel or Carter but got some ideas. I am going to get Lady B a garnet necklace, not sure if I will buy locally or see what I can find on line. Mich is going to get her rent paid up plus maybe a little something, need to find out how much back rent she owes first. I didn't go shopping early, 9am so the stores weren't too bad.

I took Lady B's youngest out to lunch then to buy groceries. He wanted spaghetti taco's for supper, so that is what I am making him, made lasagna for Lady B and I. Since Lady B works retail figure she would be having a very long day, so making supper and doing laundry is a simple way of saying I love you.

All in all it has been a good day, relaxing even with all I did.

Have a sweet one campers!!!

Peace Love and Light
Scott

Illness and Confusion

2010-11-25T06:24:00.000-08:00

I hate it when I get a head cold/sinus infection. My head gets all cloudy, buzzy and for some reason depression and confusion set in. Started out Tuesday morning, woke up with nasty drainage, headache and head pressure. Tried taking over the counter medicine again but that crap makes me even more fuzzy headed, I have zero tolerance for mind altering substances. Yesterday the drainage had let up, it just stayed put causing minor congestion plus confusion. The worst thing of all was the depression it brought on, like a freaking freight train. We got off work at 2 and by 2:30 I was home in bed trying to sleep it off which somewhat worked, I tried doing some housework but it only helped a bit, was still tired/foggy and laid down once more.

A large part of my mind was telling me the depression was due to Thanksgiving and fears associated with the holiday and holiday season at hand. I admit there is some truth to this, I don't like family gatherings. I identified the dislike as a feeling of being caged in, summer gatherings are fine, I can move around outdoors, breath the air, focus on nature. My past experiences with holiday gatherings are one of always feeling like an outsider when sitting with the other men or women. I lack key interest in conversations; don't like sports, don't know much about engine or transmission specifics, don't know much about detailed mechanics or building stuff, don't kill things,I am a Liberal. My old friend great expectations kicked me squarely gonads, I place expectations on myself that I need to be like them, that they are looking down on me, all of which is utter bullshit. My inter fight is to understand and accept all of this. The past has no hold on the Reality of the present, the past is the past just as impermanent as everything else, if I cling to the past I cling a non-reality based notion. This is a case of minor PTSD for me. I can't blame my dislike of gathering on a dislike of crowds, I am perfectly fine at AA events and accept my limits on what I can and cannot converse about maybe because at recovery functions where there is always an underlying sense of commonality and unity, there is no ego telling me I need to prove I am worthy. Hell of it is, I am not even spending Thanksgiving with my family, dad is dead the one person I was comfortable talking with, my mom is going to my cousins house with my aunts people I have zero in common with, 2 of my siblings live out of state and the other is going to her step sons house up north. I am going to Lady B's family gathering, I get along with all of them and am accepted, it just all comes back to old fears and the pressure of having to try and fit in. The gathering starts later today, Mich and the grand babies will be there. So once again I will visit with people who could care less that Elton John and Leon Russell just released a brilliant collaboration album, Eat Pray Love is a must see movie one to be viewed over and over to catch all the wisdom laid out, Tom Delay was convicted and hopefully will spend time in prison and not mention any of this. I will listen to talk about football and NASCAR and other things I find boring. I will accept it isn't about me, it is about others. I will find my pleasure in being with people who care about me because I am who I am and I care about them.

I woke up this morning feeling clear headed as evident by my writing this post. I know much of what was messing with my head yesterday was just the illness screwing with me. I did my best to focus on just allowing the anxiety/depression to just be what it was, to stop fighting it which has helped with my acceptance this morning. I also focused on the Buddha and cause of suffering. The Buddha wasn't a God but yesterday I used him as a Higher Power, a way to refocus and bring reality back. The craving which was causing the suffering was a craving to feel the perceived sense of magical family, the one which is pounded into our heads during the holiday season. I believe I put too much stake in this sense, my sense of family isn't very strong and never has been. I love my family, even the extended family who I rarely interact with, I would drop what I am doing to assist them in an reasonable way I could if asked, even my Fundamentalist sister who sees my spiritual belief's as a gateway to Hell. I reflected back to the time when I was in meetings, feeling insecure because my concept of a God didn't fit with the Christian concept people where so profoundly testifying about. I have to not compare my insides with others outsides, dangerous place to go. My feelings about God and sense of family just are what they are, nothing is permanent, maybe one day the joyous sense of family others have will come to me but for now I don't feel it and it is alright to feel this way.

Another hiccup I have with Thanksgiving is the hatred of gluttony. I have a very ugly selfish side which wants to blast people for gloating about all the damn food, constantly talking about how much they are going to eat, making sure they are stuffed. I personally find this spiritually wrong on many levels but I would be wrong to use my anger in a selfish attempt to ruin their enjoyment.

On a different note. Shadow the reason for a young peoples AA meeting, is that in rural Nebraska, young people haven't built a peer group. They don't stick around long enough to meet others like themselves. In Lincoln and Omaha due to larger populations young people find meetings they congregate around, then go and do things together afterwards or before, plus create their own events. Our hope is to take the model of the bigger cities and use it here. Even if 2 kids connect and go to other meetings together for peer support it will be worth it. Just as I cling to the preconceived notion this Thanksgiving isn't going to be wonderful because my past experiences weren't wonderful, so do young people cling to the notion they can't relate to older alcoholics and addicts. It is all a crap shoot but one worth rolling the dice on.

Well campers I need to take a hot bath, let the stream wrap itself around me. I will stick around the house until noonish then load up and head to Kearney. I hope all of you have a great day and weekend whether you are with family or not. I am smiling at stubbing my spiritual toe, the pain is residing and it is time to move forward.

Peace Love and Light until next time
Scott

First Taste of Winter

2010-11-13T06:33:00.000-08:00

We are getting our first taste of winter and it isn't too bad. Been cold and rainy last few days, thought I would wake up to ice yesterday but we were smiled on and the over night temps weren't too low. Last year at this time we had snow on the ground and lots of it. My chariot is now a Honda Prelude, so I hope we don't have a ton of snow, not sure the car sits high enough to get around the streets. Not really worried, what will be will be, just have to figure it out when it happens.

Worst thing with winter is adjusting to the lack of light and the chill in the air. The lack of light brings on slight seasonal depression for me. I am such an outdoor person I have to mentally prepare myself for staying inside and laugh if you must but to wearing shoes again. I don't get bad depression just get low for a few weeks. I am fortunate in that I understand what is happening, can work with it or at least tell others what is going on.

Working with mental illness is a big part of my job. My understanding of mental illness increases daily it seems. This understanding is helpful in my personal life as well as professional. I have more patience and empathy than I did before. Lady B's youngest, who lives with her, is Bi-Polar, my understanding allows me to know what is illness in action and not get angry so easily. Mich is also having bouts of depression not to mention bouts of ugly co-dependency. There are a lot of people we associate with or who are in our lives, that have mental illness. I have always been empathetic with people with mental illness but now I understand a great deal more about how it effects them, how they can cope with it and live fairly normal lives given the right treatment.

Getting fired from the treatment center sucked. The door that was closed by the firing opened a door to a wonderful new career. My levels of living experience, my insights from them and my drive to find resources for myself and the organization, is something I can put to use at this job, something I wasn't allow to do at the treatment center because I wasn't college educated. I am not blowing my horn here, by Divine Providence, Karmic law or whatever, I have been given a gift. Some of the gift comes from practicing Mindfulness daily. With mindfulness I stay calm, I don't over react, much, I can See what needs to be done, or listen to others and see their words. We alcoholics and addicts have so much to offer the world once we get sober. Sad truth is many who suffer with alcoholism and addiction never make it to the place of seeing what their full potential is.

The reunion was alright, Lady B was bored but a trooper. We didn't stay very long, it was mostly standing around and talking, I didn't want Lady B to feel left out so I talked to most of my old friends then we headed back to the hotel. We had a good weekend together which was the main thing.

I am at Lady B's right now, we just finished breakfast. Later I will see Mich and the kids. Not sure if Angel will spend the night or not. One of the things Lady B had to point out to me was I was assuming it was alright for Angel to come and spend the night every time I was in town. She pointed out it would be nice if I asked first because sometimes she is too tired from a long week at work to have another active kiddo under foot. Mich was also taking advantage of us always watching Angel too. Mich has to learn when you are a parent part of the gig is you have your kids 24/7 and the fun nights out just don't happen as much as you want them to.

Have a great weekend ALL.

Peace Love and Light
Scott

Reunion Weekend

2010-11-06T08:03:00.001-07:00

It is 10am and Lady B is still sleeping like a rock, no kids this weekend, hers or Angel. She has had a stressful few days and really needs the sleep, as for me, well something about growing old has stopped me from sleeping in the way I use to. There was a time when I could sleep in until 10 or later but anymore I am usually up by 8:30 even if I didn't get to sleep until after midnight, kind sucks but that's the way it is.

Later on we are taking the 5 1/2 hour drive up to Sioux City Iowa. My old Air Guard branch is holding a reunion. It has been 9 years since I have been up there. 9 years ago I was fully into my Alcoholism. In those years I never made the drive without beer in the car and between my legs, I drank on the way up, I would start drink on Saturday as soon as drill was over, usually 3pm. My deployments with the unit were one big drinking vacation as well. None of my friends know what a sober Scott is like and to be honest it will be a challenge for me interacting with them sober, not sure how much we have in common with being sober and them drinking. Not many of my old friends are heavy drinkers, for most it is just part of the escapism that comes with being a Weekend Warrior.

We have a hotel room for the night, if it starts getting too crazy we will head on back to it. I know both of us could use some hot tub therapy. There has been a lot of drama at work, so the hot tub will be a good way to message the drama away.

I am glad I have Lady B to go with me. I am sure I could have handled this without her and without drinking but it is nice to have another in recovery there. I am spiritually fit but like I mentioned the guard was a big drinking event in the past. I want to be there because the unit and the people in it are a big part of my past, one I enjoyed to the fullest, even without being drunk. When we worked together we were like a well oiled machine, there was great camaraderie. It will be nice to hear what has happened in my friends lives.

Well the bear has awaken and is in the process of transforming into a lamb, I made a second pot of coffee to assist since I drank the first one. Really she isn't that bad just takes a few minutes, cigarette and coffee for her to get fully awake and clear headed.

Have a great weekend my friends
Peace Love and Light
Scott

More on What's Happening

2010-11-02T19:15:00.000-07:00

This is Sioux lookout, located about 10 miles south east of North Platte Nebraska, my present home, the water in the foreground is an irrigation channel that goes for at least 150 miles. This is the highest peek for many miles, the Lakota Sioux and probably the Araphoe used this peek to watch the migration of settlers along the Oregon Trail, plus watch US Army movements. When I was a teenager you could still climb to the top, you can't anymore probably do to people trashing the pasture land and messing with cattle, not sure but there is a big No Trespassing sign on the fence now.

We did a few camp outs this summer, not as many as last summer because Lady B works on some Saturdays. Spent Memorial Day weekend at our little hide way in the canyons. Lady B and her oldest son went with myself and a few others tubing down the Niobrara on the 2nd annual Soberfloat, they both had a blast and Lady B was thinking about the next summers float when we left, whether to tube or canoe, plus different lodging. We borrowed her dad's RV and the cost of gas was more than a cabin rental. I have hopes of buying good used pop up camper and Suburban for camping season next year. Lady B and her youngest aren't tent dwellers. Lastly we rented a cabin at a really lovely state park outside of Omaha in late August, we used this as base camp for going into Omaha for the air show at Offut Air Base. This was my birthday present for her youngest son. Made brownie points on this venture and now it is going to be an annual event for youngest birthday according to him. Neither Lady B or youngest had been around fighter jets before and the Thunderbirds were the main attraction, total rush for them, did my old Air Force heart some good also.

My relationship is good. Some days I worry when the conversations a bit bland or overly quiet, wander if I am doing something wrong. I just remind myself, it isn't always about me and also I can't take her hostage nor she me. Healthy relationships are just like this, not every weekend is chipper, we humans just don't function like that 100% of the time. We see things from different lights, so what may be of major importance to me may not be to her and this goes the same with her. I don't always give her the feedback she expects the same as I don't get the feedback I expect. We both take the relationship a day at a time, no future plans of moving in together, one both of us have ties to the towns we live in so moving either direction is out of the picture for now. We accept each other for who we are, blemishes and all, don't try and change the other. She is very independent in a lot of ways and I like this. I have been around way too many Co-Dependent people and it bothers me. We found out her youngest is Bi-Polar, he is 9, this has been a challenge but now know why he behaves the way he does makes it easier to deal with him, he was also placed on a med the equals things out for the most part, so the highs and lows aren't so drastic.

Michelle's relationship with Carter's father is a roller coaster. She has some Co-Dependency issues going on. There is a lot of verbal abuse, sure both parties are to blame, he is a control freak also. I try and stay out of their lives unless I see it is effecting the babies. She is like a lot of young women and men too, when she is ready and willing she will do something about the conditions of her life but not until the pain is enough to finally say enough is enough. Every time they break up I hope it is for good and she finds a strong and stable relationship, with a good hard working and fairly sane man. I recently learned they are both drinking and partying which is out of my hands, once again just have to keep my ears and eyes open.

I am extremely grateful to be sober and that I have a spiritual path to walk on, without it none of what I have written would have taken place I still use the Dharma as my guide, it fits my soul like a old pair of sandals. I stay in contact with old AA friends and go to meetings in Kearney most of the time when I spend the weekend at Lady B's house. Still haven't connect with a group here. My lame excuse is been busy at work or at moms, truth be told when I get done in the evenings I am exhausted, still lame excuse but I have serenity and awareness of my disease, recovery plays a great deal in the work I do, I carry the message in a very subtle way.

Well my spiritual kin, I hope this has satisfied your curiosity for now.

Peace Love and Light
Scott

Boo I am BACK

2010-10-31T09:11:00.001-07:00

Photo's were taken in June and July; my mom, Angel, Carter and me; Lady B and me, cattle in south central Nebraska.

O.k. Campers am back. I haven't had my own internet service up until yesterday. I have gone on line at work but only for basic stuff, work related resources and brief ventures onto FB. I have been busy enough this summer to not need internet at home. With the days getting shorter keeping me inside more I how have the time to blog again, plus need something more creative than watching rented movies to do in the evenings. I am keeping this post short since I am at Lady B's house watching Angel and just hanging out. Below is the website address to where I work, I am the Program Manager and will explain more about that later. I will say that I am still sober, didn't relapse, I am still able to walk on the middle road of interpeace and serenity 95% of the time, my relationship with Lady B and her family is solid, loving and a big part of my life. Angel and Carter are both doing well. Angel has entered the terrible 2's, she has an attitude plus, Karma for her mom cause Angel is just like Mich. Carter's health is fairly good, is immune system isn't very strong so Mich has to pay close attention to his breathing, he has been in the hospital a couple of times due to fluid in his lungs, plus he catches viruses easy. Mich is a roller coaster, I do my best to detach with love and help out here and there, I can't stop her from making mistakes or repeating mistakes, like all of us she has to learn on her own.

Well campers, you have all been in my thoughts and prayers and I hope all of you are rolling with the flow of life, finding acceptance in the unpleasent. I will write again very soon. Please go to www.v4f.org and check out the wonderful organization I work for.

Peace Love and Light
Scott

Move is Done

2010-04-29T10:33:00.000-07:00

Well Lady B and I got everything moved Saturday. The weather was the shits to put it bluntly, rain off and on and nasty winds. We left Lincoln at 5:30pm and got into North Platte at 10:30pm finished unloading just after midnight. My old truck was a bugger to drive, she didn't like the wind and finally I got tired of the interstate and we took a 2 lane highway the last 90 miles. The old truck made it without any troubles for which I am grateful!! She looks rough as hell but runs great, minus no gas gauge, cruise control and a flaky speedometer. I finished getting the stuff out of the shed on Monday and the last cleaning done also, spent Monday night at Lady B's and have been in North Platte since Tuesday. I have most of the unpacking done, just have my cd's left to unpack and alphabetize again. Glad mom has the nice shed, I have a bunch of stuff in it with a bit more to go.

Still nothing on the job. I dropped off job apps at some of the motels in town, they need front desk help so maybe with my people skills I can get some work for a while. I also applied for food stamps, figured I have been paying taxes for over 30 years so I might as well take advantage of what I have contributed too and get a bit of assistance. It might take another 4 weeks for the exemption to be approved or denied. If it is denied I will start pounding the street for a long term job.

Oh yeah I am using the public libraries WiFi, feel much more comfortable in here and it is quiet also.

Mich and the kids are doing well from what she has told me. Carter will probably go home next week. He will need to be on a heart monitor. As far as they can tell he is seeing normally. Angel is alright also. I miss my little girl something fierce! Once Mich moves back to Kearney I will take Angel for the weekend, we have some cuddling to catch up on.

Lady B and I both commented on how strange it will be with me not living with her. We have really got along well, only a couple of hiccups and that was just a misunderstanding of how we react to certain things. We complement each other, something her sponsor commented on. I calm her down, keep her focused on living in the now and not worrying about the future. She in turns pushes me to ask for assistance's from agencies and where to find free things. She also doesn't want anything from me and pays for our meals sometimes because she knows I can't afford them.

My inter peace is good. When the anxiety hits I just stop and breathe as soon as I can, look at the fear, see what footwork I can do if any and move on. Once again the 12 steps are a plan for living and just not about putting the bottle down. If I am living the steps I can handle all the crazies life gives me with relative peace and serenity. Nothing is overwhelming, which is a switch from the drunken daze when everything was overwhelming. I will go to a meeting tonight and hopefully within a few weeks I will start finding meetings I really like and can be a part of.

Well campers but get back to business. My prayers are still with you all. Tomorrow I will post some long past due comments. May your God bless and keep you safe, may you find serenity in the storms, may you love each other and show compassion.

Peace Love and Light
Scott